City of IF

[Chinaren]

Chapter 8. The road to Rulm.

Cast (in no particular order):
Evil Homer as ‘The Paladin Hero’
Chainfire as Homer’s sword.
Araex as Homer’s steed.
DukeReg as Oaf Duke Reginald Percival Thunderking Harwobble the Fifth.
Hyperion as the Mage.
Key as the Magical dignified Chamber Pot.
D-Lotus as the Elven special forces commander
Sorrow as a mysterious robed figure.
Idea Master as his wretched minion.
Mother goose as a hydroose
Phang as The Dark Mistress
Muaddib as a wheely thing.
Lord of the Night as an Evil Demon Warrior.
Powers That Be as General Powers ‘the perverted.’
Luvd and Mr Moochie as ‘The Ravens’
Smee as the slug.
Dean as the Dean of the Hood

The Fallen.
Jnmrcs as the High Commander


The Villain

“This filthy damn beast has done it again!” cried Dean the Head. The reason for his disgust and dismay was apparent, as he was half covered in Muaddib’s excrement which had landed on his cart. “The least you could do is turn me around so I don’t have to stare at his smelly behind all day! I think I am going blind.”

Phang sighed and looked up from the spell she was casting. “You need to be quieter, or I will attach your throat tube to his arse! Then you would have something to complain about.”

Ignoring the wails from Dean Head she resumed her scrying. The artifact she needed was hidden away, and despite her best efforts to locate it she still failed. Damn it! She swore and cast a small electrical charge at Muaddib in frustration.

Watching Muaddib jump around in shock, banging Dean the Head around after it improved her temper no end. She chuckled at Muaddib’s distress as the electrical charge leapt about over his body causing convulsions, but then frowned as his waste smell wafted over to her nose. “Mmm, you may have a point Mr. Head.” she conceded.

With a few deft passes of her hands, she conjured up a white wrapping for Muaddib’s rear. “There” she said, crossing her arms. Then frowned once again at the pleased look upon Dean’s face. “No, no, no we can’t go around having people happy now can we? Let’s see…” A few more Words of Power and Muaddib’s new diapers began to sparkle and glow with luminescent colors.

“Ahh! My eyes! My poor eyes!” wailed Dean at this new affront. The psychedelic patterns in front of his eyes threatening to make him vomit, despite the impossibility of this happening without his body.

Phang smiled. ‘A job well done’ she thought.

The Hero

Evil Homer stood and walked around the small camp. A large pile of leaves, brush and cloth marked their landing spot. He found that everyone except one unlucky merry man had landed safely. That one unfortunate was now a merry stain on the ground nearby.

Sorrow walked along with Homer. His pet Hydroose*, whom he called ‘Mother Goose’ by his side, Idea Master shuffling along behind them, scratching at various parts of his body and farting intermittently. Sorrow had still not provided any information as to how he knew where they would land, and Homer still knew nothing of the shady figure, but he was out of options.

Evil Homer gathered his team together. He looked around at the remains of the motley crew. Duke Reg stood still, swinging a giant hammer Sorrow had provided to replace the club he had dropped when in the air. Hyperion walked around making small clucking sounds and scratching at his feathers. Key, the magical chamber pot sat forlornly on the ground near Sorrow. The three remaining Merry Men, looking less merry now, waited patiently.

He took a deep breath and spoke. “We have had some setbacks, I will admit. The Fort looks to have fallen and the Hordes of Darkness are now free to enter the Silver Lands. The situation is desperate, but there is still hope. Our good friend Sorrow here,” he gestured at the dark figure that was standing to one side waiting, whilst his faithful servant sniffed around his feet and Mother Goose pecked at the floor. “…our good friend,” continued Homer, “has suggested a way forward. We have to head to the town of Rulm.”

<cluck>”But to get to Rulm we will have to travel through the Horde!” objected Hyperion.

“I know, which is why we are going to disguise ourselves.” Replied Homer. “Sorrow has told me he can provide some props, but we will have to rely on some magic as well, which is why I need you again my pink feathered friend.”

Hyperion puffed his cheeks out. “What would you have me do?”

Homer explained his plan…

The Villain.

Phang stalked into Jnmrcs’s old command centre. Blood stained the floor still, but otherwise she had restored the place to a semblance of its old order. She rather liked the room and had taken it over as a place to work from.

There was a movement in the shadows. She whirled “Who goes… Oh, it’s you. Still around are we?” She dropped her hands and walked around the desk to look at some papers.

Sorrow moved closer, his black robes trailing behind on the stone floor. “So, you have broken through the pass now. You must be pleased.”

“I don’t see that it is any concern of yours” said Phang looking through the drawers in the desk idly.

“I know something you don’t”

“Oh yes?” Phang seemed uninterested. “What would that be then?” she picked up a knife used as a letter opener and examined it.

“You look for a certain item no?”

Phang looked up, suddenly listening intently. “You know where it is?” She hissed.

“No, but I know who knows.” Sorrow wandered over to the window and looked out at the hordes that were busy exploring, looting and raping the survivors in the fort.

“Speak, or I will make you suffer!”

“You make me suffer! Ha! That is a joke! You are the one who has caused me centuries of suffering and sorrow. You, who brought me into the world to bear the suffering you did not want! How do you think you could make it worse?”

Phang sat back in the chair and smiled. “Well yes, you have a point. So are you going to tell me, or is this just a visit to catch up on old times?”

Sorrow paused and turned away from the window. “There is a witch; I believe she is in Rulm. She knows the location of the artifact you are seeking. Maybe she is even the guardian.”

Phang’s eyes narrowed. “Why are you telling me now?”

“A certain paladin representing the forces of good is aware of the witch, even now he is on his way to Rulm to find her himself.”

Anger suffused Phang’s face. “You told him! Get out! Get out of my sight wretch!” She cast a spell of disruption at Sorrow, but jerked her hand aside at the last moment, disintegrating a rare lamp instead of the dark figure.

Sorrow, who had not moved, merely bowed and backed away into the shadows again before disappearing.

D-Lotus

A body lay under a trail of slime. It was only one of many thousand, so no one paid it any attention. Most people (and creatures) had passed this area by anyway.

The body twitched. An arm jerked and then the eyes flew open. Struggling for a few moments D-Lotus managed to break through the layer of gunk left behind by Smee, and sat up coughing and gasping for air.

Recovering, he looked around, alert for any enemy. No one was near. He looked down and struggled to stand up. Still grasping his sword he scanned the area. Things had obviously not gone well for the Silver forces. The first order of the day had to be to get out of sight, then he could consider striking back somehow.

Stooping only to loot an item from a fallen warrior D-Lotus moved swiftly off to start planning his revenge…

The Villain. Warning: Contains suggestions of lewd behaviour. Muaddib, don’t read this part!

Phang was sitting in the commander’s chair, idly playing with the letter opener and thinking. She suddenly came to decision. “Lord of the Night! I need your services!”

A column of smoke appeared in the middle of the floor. It cleared to reveal the Demon’s grinning figure. “Are you horny again already mistress? You crave some of my special services? I would be glad to attend your needs.” He rubbed the part of him that he would use in such an act.

Phang ignored him. “I have just been made aware of the location of a certain witch. She holds information I want.”

“So go and get it from her then.” The Demon moved forward and rested on the edge of the desk.

“It is not so simple. I cannot leave here just now, not until I have secured my hold upon this fort. Plus the witch is a magic user of no small power. I could defeat her of course, but I can’t afford the distraction now. You shall go in my stead.”

“It shall be done. I shall leave immediately” the large creature stepped back.

“Wait! Two things first.”

Lord paused and waited.

“One. Rulm is not yet under my control, you shall have to change your form to travel there.”

“Not a problem. What is two?”

Phang put the paper knife back on the desk and stood up, letting her robes slip to the ground. Now naked, she walked around the desk and reached for the Demon. “We have a few moments before you need depart. Your initial suggestion has some merit…”

The demon chuckled a low chuckle and moved forward to meet Phang…

The Hero.

A small group made their way through the camp of the horde. The leader was a tall for a goblin, even a war goblin, but no one paid them any attention. By his side were three smaller goblins. Following them was an ogre, who in turn was followed by a three legged hell-hound. Bringing up the rear was a short fat troll, puffing as he tried to keep up with the others.

Duke Reg caught up with the goblin, who was Homer in disguise. “This fun!!” he said. Homer didn’t berate him, Duke Reg actually suited his ogre role quite well. He was relieved that the illusions were holding. Sorrow had not come with them, pleading business he had to attend to. For some reason that worried Homer. He looked around and then answered Duke Reg.

“We will head for that area of rocks, we should be able to climb through and over them and we will be free of this area and the horde.”

“Ug” The Duke grunted in agreement and they carried on.

They were at the base of the rocks when the trouble started. Homer, the Duke, Key and the merry men were through, but Hyperion had fallen behind. He was moving past a group of Drow elves when one of them called out to him.

“Hoi! You troll!”

Hyperion kept walking, ignoring the Elven squad leader who has called out, hoping they would leave him be. It was not to be so.

“Ho! Troll dullard! Hold.” The elf strode up to Hyperion, and several other Drow moved to block his way. Homer and Duke looked back from the rocks, but just as they did so a figure dressed in a long grey robe and wielding a sword appeared from behind a rock.

“Ppst! Come on, quickly before they see you!”

Homer turned and looked at the figure, then back at Hyperion who was now surrounded by Drow, there must have been about 20 of them in the squad.

“Come on! Your friend is doomed!” Hissed the figure in the robe, “You can’t fight them, it would attract too much attention! Come on, this way!” And he motioned them on.

Homer looked back and forth between the two. The robed figure was right, to risk attention could draw doom on them all, but they couldn’t leave the wizard. Could they? Maybe the Drow would not see through his disguise, and let him go…

He hesitated, undecided. What should he do now?

*Hydroose: A rare cross between a Hydra and a Goose, resulting in a large goose with eight heads. Has the added bonus of laying some very tasty eggs.