City of IF

[Chinaren]

Chapter 9. Tastes like chicken!

Cast (in no particular order):
Evil Homer as ‘The Paladin Hero’
Chainfire as Homer’s sword.
Araex as Homer’s steed.
DukeReg as Oaf Duke Reginald Percival Thunderking Harwobble the Fifth.
Hyperion as the Mage.
Key as the Magical dignified Chamber Pot.
D-Lotus as the Elven special forces commander

Sorrow as a mysterious robed figure.
Idea Master as his wretched minion.
Mother goose as a hydroose

Phang as The Dark Mistress
Muaddib as a wheely thing.
Lord of the Night as an Evil Demon Warrior.
Powers That Be as General Powers ‘the perverted.’
Luvd and Mr Moochie as ‘The Ravens’
Smee as the slug.
Dean as the Dean of the Hood

The Fallen.
Jnmrcs as the High Commander

And introducing…
Sunbellina as Duke Reg’s little sister.
Solomon Birch as a misguided Drow.
The Twisted witch.


The Hero.

Hyperion was forced to stop and confront the forces surrounding him. The Drow commander, a swaggering elf with black and gold armor pushed forward. “So, you decide to heed us after all troll do you? Know that I am high in the ranks of the Dark Queen’s forces, and I am not used to being…” The elf stopped talking, a puzzled look upon his face.

Looking from the cover of the rocks, Homer drew Chainfire. “Prepare to go in,” he hissed at the Duke.

“What sort of troll are you, with pink feathers?” The Drow stepped forward.

Unable to maintain his disguise spell any longer, Hyperion dropped it and cast a cloak around the area to prevent others seeing what was going on. Simultaneously he cast an energy pulse at the elves in-front of him, ripping the commander and several others to bloody shreds in one quick action.

Homer and Duke Reg charged into the fray, with Key the Valiant pot close behind them.

Blood sprayed across Hyperion’s face as he caved in the head of a Drow who was trying to sneak up from behind him with his staff. He turned back and swung at another one as Homer and Duke Reg battled to come to his aid, cutting through the elves in their way. Key ran with them, tripping the dark forces and pushing them off balance.

But the elves were not stupid, and they were veteran fighters too. The remaining group rallied and organized swiftly. Hyperion had cleared the last Drow in-front of him when he felt a pain in his back. He reached around and pulled a black arrow out, throwing it down he started to run towards Homer and Duke, who were still fighting the few remaining Drow in his way, but another arrow found its mark and he stumbled. Ahead of him Homer and Duke cut down the last of the enemy, and cleared the way. He took another step but his leg gave way as it was pierced by a dark crossbow bolt.

The light started to dim, and he struggled to move on, but the Elves had his range now, and burning pains shot through his back. He swayed, and his knees started to buckle. Crawling forward, his breath catching in his throat he saw Homer urging him on, and then the earth move up to greet him…

Lord of the Night.

“Ahhh!” Phang slumped back on the desk sweating. Lord of the Night moved back and looked smug.

The demon chuckled and moved towards the door, leaving a trail of drips behind him. “I shall be on my way fair Queen. I thank you for the diversion.” And he bowed before turning and stepping out of the room.

He made his way along the hallway and into an echoing room full of pillars. As he walked along he passed behind a large white column, still stained with blood from the recent battles. The figure that emerged the other side was totally different. A man, human, of small build and dressed in plain traveler’s garb, a gray robe swinging behind him and a slim saber at his belt. Straight black hair framed a wiry face with a long nose. His eyes… his eyes were black as night and his smile thin and cruel.

He chuckled to himself, a chilling sound, and made his way to the stables to secure a mount for his journey.

D-Lotus.

D-Lotus looked on as the fat feathered thing was peppered with black Drow arrows. The Paladin cut down the last of the Elves just as the big flamingo-man fell to the floor. He sighed. Brave, but stupid.

“Come on! It is too late! Unless you want to join him, follow me! He ran up to Homer and grabbed his arm, pulling him back. “Those arrows are poisoned; unless you wish to join your friend we retreat, NOW!”

Reluctantly the paladin nodded, seeing the Wizard was already dead, he turned and ran behind D-Lotus to the safety of the rocks. Black arrows started to fall around them as they reached cover…

The Witch.

The orb clouded over as the hunched figure of the witch looked up. Her face was creased with age, and her hands were gnarled and claw-like.

She cackled to herself as if she had told a joke which only she found amusing. “So, after all these years my task is nearly done.” She pottered over to the kitchen where an enormous black kettle was boiling. “Yes indeed,” she spoke again as she picked the boiling pot up with her bare hands, “it’s nearly time for old Shady Stoat to ride again!” She threw her head back and screeched with an insane laughter that echoed around her hut and bounced off the hills of the small valley outside…

The Hero.

“So tell us who you are again?” Said Homer as the small group climbed over some rocks, hunkering down to minimize their exposure.

“I am D-Lotus big boy, commander of the Elven crack forces, or at least I was before Phang came through here. Now I am just a wandering fighter, looking for a chance to hit back.”

“You could join us, we may have a way to defeat Phang, and we need all the help we can get. Especially as we just lost our wizard.”

“So that’s who that was. You were lucky to get across, I was watching you all the way.”

“How could you see through our disguises?” asked Homer.

D-Lotus gestured at his sword. “This blade has many enchantments, piercing illusion is one of them… Hush!” He ducked down and gestured for the others to do the same.

A voice could be heard from the other side of a rock. It sounded like singing. Homer and D-Lotus exchanged puzzled glances, but the Duke suddenly surged forward.

“Sunbellina!” he shouted running around the rock before Homer could restrain him. “Is that you?”

Evil Homer followed the big man, to see the Duke sweep up a small girl, barely the height of his knee, in his arms.

“Put me down brother!” came the high pitched voice, “you are squashing me! Put me down!”

The big Duke, tears in his eyes put the diminutive figure down on the ground, sitting by her as she stood and fluffed out her skirt.

Homer saw it was a young girl, maybe nine or ten years old, dressed in a pink top and matching skirt. Her blond hair was fashioned into small bunches, so it looked like fountains were sprouting out of her head. She looked at Homer with big round eyes and said in a clear voice:

“Evil Homer I presume?”

Drow.

The remains of the squad joked and laughed, and one of them spoke to an ogre who had wandered up to see what the fuss was about.

“I swear, it took the Commander and five others with him, but I’ll say it again,” the Drow reached for another piece of meat, blowing a pink feather off him as he did so, “it’s the tastiest damn chicken I ever did eat!”

The Villain

Phang strode through the fort with Muaddib behind her, the wheelie toy occasionally stopping to sniff at a piece of debris or filth on the floor before rolling quickly to catch up with his mistress. Dean the Head, his eyes closed to ward off the glow of the diapers, rested in the cart behind Muaddib, muttering and complaining all the while.

General Powers was leaving the chamber he had commandeered once the fort fell. As the door closed Phang just made out a smooth body, strapped to some sort of iron device in the room.

“General!” She smiled an agreeable smile as she approached. He jerked to attention as he saw her.

“At ease General, at ease. We don’t stand on attention here.” She wrapped an arm around his armored shoulders in a companion-like way and walked with him up the hallway. “So, how is my army? I see they have had their little fun,” she stepped over the naked corpse of some poor maid lying in a doorway, her legs sprawled open obscenely, half the face had eaten away. “Now we must look to the Silver Lands. Where do you suggest we move next?”

The General may* have been a twisted deviant in many ways, but he was also a master in the area of combat and strategy. He wrinkled his brow and spoke carefully**. “There are three major lands nearby who could still cause us some difficulty your Darkness.”

“I am listening.”

“Well, there are the light Elves to the northwest. They live in their Royal Forest, and are no doubt well entrenched there. As you know, they posses strong defensive magics, and the forest aids them. It will not be an easy task to reach the Silver Oak, where the Grand Elf resides.”

“Mmm, yes, I see your point. Yet, the Elves are a cowardly bunch, they are unlikely to venture from their precious forest to go on the offensive. What else?”

“The human lands are directly north.” Powers frowned and kicked Muaddib who was sniffing around his foot. “The humans are probably the least predictable, and most likely to mount counter strikes against us. Yet they are fragmented into different kingdoms, and it may be some time, if it happens at all, before they can re-group under one coherent banner to challenge us.”

“Now may be the right time to strike then” said Phang, watching as Muaddib urinated in a corner, much to the disgust of Dean the head. “Who else do we have?”

“The Gnomes and their mixed race alliance. They stand northeast. They are a cautious people, but fierce in a fight, and then have excellent equipment. Their cannon were giving us a hard time before you dealt with them.” He bowed slightly to Phang in recognition of her power. “Yet they are the least populous, which is one reason why they have allied with various other races. Where-ever we go next, we shall have to leave a contingent behind to hold the fort, in case of counter attack. There are still forces in the region, and other lands further away which we must not forget about. Still, the three which I have mentioned are the ones to look at, or perhaps we should deal with the stragglers who escaped from our attack here.”

Phang paused. “So what is your recommendation General? Who shall be next to fall under my control?”

General Powers sighed and thought hard. Any mistake could be deadly, not only to his troops, but to him himself. He had no desire to go through the rest of his life with his organs on the outside, or eating his dinner through his backside. He made a decision and turned to Phang.

“My Dark Queen, I believe I know what our next step should be…”


*There was no ‘may’ about it actually. Still, everyone needs a hobby.
**He always spoke carefully around Phang. People who didn’t tended to end up inside-out, or with their mouth where their bottom should be or something equally unpleasant.