City of IF

[Chinaren]

Chapter 17 - Heads up!

Synopsis:
Evil Homer, a renowned Paladin, and a small band are in search of the Dark Heart, a powerful artifact that could help destroy the Evil Phang and end her plans for world domination. Unfortunately Phang is also looking for the Heart, and has sent a hideous Demon to search for it too. The demon has passed through a portal guardian, but the hero is having problems doing so.
Split off from Homer, Duke Reg and a small party are chasing the Duke’s small sister, who has been abducted by the mysterious Sorrow, his eight headed goose and his wretched sidekick Idea Master.
Meanwhile, the Dark Queen Phang and her Army have broken the Silver Land’s main defense, Fort Cra-yon, and have now taken the Gnomish Capital city Chundyer, forcing the King to flee…


Cast (in no particular order):
Evil Homer as ‘The Paladin Hero’
Chainfire as Homer’s sword.
Araex as Homer’s steed.
Shanty as Captain Shanty.
Shady Stoat as The Twisted Witch.
Dragon Fire as The Guardian.

DukeReg as Oaf Duke Reginald Percival Thunderking Harwobble the Fifth.
Key as the Magical Dignified Chamber Pot.
D-Lotus as the Elven special forces commander
Solomon Birch as a misguided AlbinoDrow.

Sorrow as a mysterious robed figure.
Idea Master as his wretched minion.
Mother goose as a hydroose
Sunbellina as Duke Reg’s little sister.

Ingrothechundyer as Ingro Chundyer the Gnome King.
Reiso as Gnome Prince Reiso
Cantolope as King of the Fairies
Author as Gnomish Wizard.

Phang as The Dark Mistress
Muaddib as a wheely thing.
Lord of the Night as an Evil Demon Warrior.
Powers That Be as General Powers ‘the perverted.’
Luvd and Mr Moochie as ‘The Ravens’
Dean as the Dean the Head.
Smee as the Smee Slug.
Ethereal Fauna as Ethereal Slug.

The Fallen – Lest we forget..
Jnmrcs as the High Commander
Hyperion as the Mage.
CowofDoom666 as The Cow of Doom

Guest appearance
Kagemusho as the assassin.



Dean the Head.

The bag he had been carried in was finally tipped up, and Dean the Head rolled out, landing upside down on the ground. A dark figure crouched in front of him. Dean’s eyes widened. “What…?” He started.

“Hush.” Said the figure, picking Dean up and turning him upright. “I have a proposition for you. How would you like your body back?”

“You will get me my body back? Why? And why should I believe you?”

The figure was still a moment before speaking again. “I have the power, never fear. I am offering you a chance to get your body back yes, but first I need a service from you in return.”

Dean narrowed his eyes. “What could I do?” Then he sighed. “I don’t appear to have much choice. These last few days have taught me that I will have a grim existence indeed as a disembodied, immortal head.”

The figured nodded. “Good. Here is what you need to do…”

Smee Slug.

Smee watched as Phang strode out of the corral. She had ridden him for hours around the city, blasting the odd lurking enemy here, casting a death spell there and generally terrorizing everyone she encountered. Finally the Dark Queen had grown bored and returned to the camp which was just inside the city walls in an old park, though the army was slowly making a home inside the city proper as the remaining Gnomish forces were rounded up and eliminated.

Smee dipped his head and munched forlornly on a piece of giant lettuce. When Phang was not near parts of his past life appeared and disappeared fleetingly, taunting him with half-memories. He swallowed his bland meal and was about to take another piece when he caught an aroma on the breeze. He raised his sluggy head and sniffed.

It was a familiar smell, a haunting one that brought a brief image into his head. One where a young man and woman frolicked happily in the fields. She was a daughter of a powerful official and he was but a simple wagon driver, but they were in love and happy.

He twisted his head around. His coral was near a copse of trees and there! Peering around one of the larger ones was a face, as deformed and slug-like as his, and yet both beautiful and familiar too. Smee’s slug heart beat faster as the Fauna slug batted her eyelashes at him and smiled a coy smile. It was her! The woman in his vision!

Smee looked left and right. No one was paying him any attention. Slowly he began to slime towards the gate. Fauna slug winked and waited…

Phang

Phang was playing with her wheelie toy, holding a cute girl dog infront of him and waiting as the toy would wheel up, all excited, and then whip the dog away at the last minute, causing Muaddib to snarl and whine in frustration and Phang to giggle with amusement.

In the middle of this there was a knock on the tent post. “Enter!” she said, concentrating on the wheelie thing.

A nervous guard* entered holding a bag. He looked at Phang briefly and then ahead quickly, staring at the far wall. Phang was hot and was wearing only the smallest of miniskirts and nothing else.

“What is it?” snapped Phang.

“M.. m.. my Dark Queen. One of the men found this.” He held out the sack, still looking at the far wall.

Phang pursed her lips in annoyance and took the bag from the shaking guard. She tipped it upside down and Dean the Head rolled out onto the floor. Mud covered most of him.

“Oooh! Mr Head is back!” Phang clapped her hands in girlish glee and jumped up and down. The guard turned red and swallowed hard.

Phang stooped and picked Dean up, who groaned. “Oh god. It’s you again.”

“Now, don’t worry Mr. Head. I will have you cleaned up in no time! Aren’t you happy to be back? Wheelie thing has missed you.”

Dean just sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Phang turned to the guard who was still standing stock still and staring ahead. She handed Dean to him. “Take him out and get him cleaned at once!” she commanded.

The guard saluted and span towards the tent flap. He was halfway out when Phang spoke again. “Oh, and soldier. When you come back I may have another duty for you. Very pleasant I assure you.”

The soldier managed to squeak a “Yes Miss” before fleeing in terror.

Phang looked after him for a moment, but was distracted by the ‘yelp’ of a dog. She turned round and looked down.

“Oh wheelie thing!”

*To be assigned as a Guard serving Phang was considered to be an honor, albeit a usually short lived one. There were always vacancies, and anyone who lasted more than two months was promoted and sent to the relatively safe place of the front lines, on the grounds that here was a man who really knew how to survive.

Powers

General Powers strode through the streets with a small squad of bodyguards. Around him the city was returning to a semblance of normality, as the final enemy hold-outs were captured or killed. His scouts had reported that the Gnomish army to the south were heading north at speed, but their numbers, though fairly large, were not large enough, and he was confident they could be defeated. Even so, the necromancers were raising the many dead from the recent battle to re-enforce the Horde and make it stronger than ever.

The Dark Queens’ army, except for that initial rebuff, had taken few casualties. The Gnomes though, taken completely by surprise and off guard had suffered heavy losses indeed. Powers allowed a small smile to cross his face at such a decisive victory. The thought of the battle and the butchery that followed stirred his loins, and he decided to head back to his tent to play with some of the fresh young prisoners he had collected. He rubbed his hands in anticipation and turned left down an alley towards the main camp.

The small squad was halfway along the narrow street when the lead guard slumped to the ground. Within the space of a few seconds another two also fell. Powers had already dropped and was rolling to the right as a small object whistled over his head and bounced off the cobblestones with a metallic clang.

“Get down you fools!” he shouted to his guards. “It’s an assassin!” He scrabbled along the floor and took cover behind several stout barrels. Another guard fell, a shuriken* protruding from the center of his forehead. The two remaining guards managed to get behind a stall on the other side of the street. Powers peered between the barrels carefully. Whoever was attacking them was no amateur. He struggled to draw his sword whilst crouched down.

There was a movement. A man had dropped lightly down into the middle of the road. He was wearing simple white robes, and a bandage appeared to be wrapped around his eyes. He held a long staff in his hands.

“General!” he called out in a strong confident voice. “My name is Kagemusho. I have been sent to see you trouble the world no more.”

Powers narrowed his eyes, absorbing this information. He looked across at his guards and jerked his head towards the blind assassin. The guards nodded and stood up carefully, drawing their blades as they did so.

The white figure cocked his head, as if listening to something. Powers pursed his lips thoughtfully and made a hand signal at the two guards. They walked forward carefully, swords at the ready. Kagemusho stood still.

The guards moved to opposite sides of the street and approached the blind man. A pause. A blur of action. Both guards attacked at the same time. Kagemusho brought up the end of his staff and blocked one blow whilst avoiding the other and jabbing the end of his weapon into the knee of the fighter.

The fighter staggered, but he was one of the best of Power’s personal guards and blocked the follow up blow. Meanwhile his colleague swung and scored a shallow cut on Kagemusho’s upper arm. The blind man ducked to avoid another blow and brought his staff in a low swing around. One guard jumped over it, the other was caught on the ankles and tumbled to the floor.

The standing fighter attacked swiftly, slicing horizontally at waist height to take attention away from his fallen friend, but Kagemusho did an amazing leap into the air and landed with his pole end down on the fallen guard, thrusting the staff through the guards mid-drift with a dull squelching sound. The guard fell back, out of the fight.

The remaining guard was not fazed, and redoubled his attacks, forcing Kagemusho to block and retreat. One blow got through and cut the blind man’s side. Backing away, Kagemusho jumped backwards, doing a summersault over some stacked boxes.

The guard paused, then sidled around. There was no one there. He heard a slight noise and twisted about. Too late. The staff slammed into the side of his head, breaking his neck and killing him instantly.

Kagemusho paused a moment to catch his breath. The guards had been better than he expected, he had underestimated them. He looked around and moved quickly towards the barrels where the General had taken cover.

“You can come out now General. Time to die.” He waited. No response.

Slowly he moved down the middle of the street, his senses straining. Nothing.

The General had observed some of the fight and decided the risk of fighting this blind demon was too high. There was more than one way** to skin a dwarf. He would deal with this assassin another time, but for now retreat was the way to go. He put his plan into action and was several streets away and accelerating even as Kagemusho stood near some barrels with six dead bodies lying nearby.

*Throwing star.
**Actually, through considerable experimentation, Powers knew of thirteen different methods.

Phang.

Phang was walking through the streets of Chundyer. She was half exploring, bored for the moment of torturing captives taken from the city populace, and half looking for Smee. That damn Fauna slug had been seen sliming around and Smee had slugged off after her. Now she was following their trail of Smee and Fauna slime. She turned a corner and found them both.

“Oh!” She smiled, still in a good mood from the return of Dean the head. “I see I am interrupting! Tell you what, I’ll just come back later, after you have finished eh?” She laughed, a sound that had been known to instantly erode steel, and walked back the way she had come. Behind her the slugs carried on with their extra slimy exercise, re-living old times and different bodies...

King Chundyer.

The King held up his hand and his small force slowly came to a stop. King Chudyer’s pony was lathered in sweat from the long dash away from the city.

Behind him Prince Reiso, his wizard friend Author, King Cantolope and a squad a palace guards were all that was left to him. The king looked about. A small glade nearby held some shelter. A brief rest and then they must be off again. He led his small group forward, dejected in defeat.

“How could this have happened?” asked Reiso, slumping to the floor.

“We were outmaneuvered lad.” Replied King Chundyer. He turned to the King of the Fairies. “How many of your fairies made it out King Cantolope?”

The small king was sitting on a stone. He looked up and thought a moment. “We are not badly hurt in numbers, though to tell you the truth most of my army has fled and are now in hiding. The power that Phang wields has scared most of them witless. I am afraid I have no real force to offer you King Gnome.” He shrugged his small shoulders.

King Chundyer stood up and looked around. “Our army is still out there. It is probably nearing the city from the south as we speak.”

“Can we join up with them?” asked Author.

King Chundyer shook his head. “We would have to take a wide arc around Phangs forces. By the time we reached them they would have attacked the city or pulled back south and east. I suppose we could risk sneaking through, but it would be dangerous indeed.”

“So where can we go now?” asked Prince Reiso.

Chundyer rubbed his chin and thought. “There are two immediate choices that come to mind. First we head west towards the Human lands and try and get them to raise an army with which we can counter attack. The only problem is the humans are renowned for their indecisiveness, and they are split into several kingdoms. Some could well side with Phang.”

“What about the Elves?” asked Cantolope.

“The Elves would aid us I am sure, but they are not likely to take the offensive. They prefer defense, and no doubt they feel nice and secure in their forest. No, they will wait for Phang to come to them.”

“There is always north” said Author.

“To the mystic lands?” King Chundyer laughed. “We barely know anything about those peoples, though from what I hear they are fierce warriors. It would be a big risk, and it is some hard terrain to cross as well.”

“So, to try and join our army is a risky proposition at best. The humans are closer and would take the offensive, but they would need a lot of persuasion to join us. The Elves will help us, but likely not counter attack and the northerners are an unknown quantity altogether.” Summed up Reiso.

“Can anyone think of anything else?” asked King Chundyer. He looked around at the group. “We need to make a plan…”

>>>>>>>>>>

There you go people. What shall the outcast king do now? I’m stumped, but then I am not very bright. Any ideas? Speak up at the back!

<<<<<<<<<<

[Shady Stoat]

Woohoo! We have sluggie-love *goes to the donate box to make a contribution...*

Great chapter Chinchin!

I think we should hedge our bets a bit. Send King Cantelope and a few of the guards to the human kingdoms that are most likely to support them (they must know something about their neighbours and how they think). Meanwhile, travel to the mystic lands yourself and try to persuade the mysterious Northerners to join in your quest to regain Chundyer.

Even more splits in the story that way, too, which makes it more complicated to write. We'll crack you yet! ;)

[Smee]

ooooh - Twisted Evil Stoat. :)

*feels sorry for Chinaren*

It's a good idea though. If you have several ideas that you have no way of choosing between then try them all, or at least as many as you can.

The Elves will be useful for a final stand right at the end if required, the best bet is the humans and the mystics of the north. Split up and try both.

Happy Writing. :)


* For a second or two. ;)

[Chinaren]

Mmmm. You know, I thought this may happen. Since this story moved into its own thread it has gathered less readers and comments.

I am considering relinquishing this forum and putting it back in the Fantasy thread. Once my free rent period runs out of course.

[Smee]

*pats Chinaren*

I think the whole of IF is a little quiet at the moment.

It'll pick up again. :)

I only got about 8 or so votes recently as well - and that used to be about 16.

Stick it out and come join us in the City of IF RP whilst you wait.


*waves a fresh new star trek hat to tempt him in*

Happy Writing. :)

[Chinaren]

*thinks about it* Mmmm. You may be right. I will hold out a while longer.

*grabs the hat and jams it on his head, having not learnt his lesson from the last time*

[ethereal_fauna]

I didn't comment much on this SG before it had its own forum. :P Must say, most times I'm at a loss for how to respond to this one. Don't want to post when all I'm doing is echoing Smee and Stoat.

But a picture is worth a thousand words, and the latest chapter brought an image to mind, so I will share. :cool:

Slimy Exercises:

[Chinaren]

LOL!

And..

Euuu!!

That's cheered me up a bit. Feeling a bit down after a hard day at work, and another 3 coming up. Sigh.

[Smee]

For more details please see : Recent ground-breaking BBC footage ;)

[LordoftheNight]

well, what i found was that when i joined i didn't bother reading any of the stories with their own forum - just the ones in the section

the only forum ones that i do read are this, the time before, and machine daughter - and thats becasue i was reading them before they moved

[Smee]

Quote: i do read are this, the time before

and I'm very glad you do. :D

*pats Lordy and gives him a evil, ice-cream*

[LordoftheNight]

*eats ice-cram of evilness*

[Guest]

Quote: well, what i found was that when i joined i didn't bother reading any of the stories with their own forum - just the ones in the section

the only forum ones that i do read are this, the time before, and machine daughter - and thats becasue i was reading them before they moved

Aye, me too. It's exactly what I mean. Good example is Stoat's Shadows story. When that was in the main thread I was an avid reader, but now I tend to forget for long periods and have to catch up several chapters, which new comers probably won't do.

I initially thought of moving the bidding thread and other bits in here as well, but the bidding faded out mostly, though there has been a bit more life in that lately thank-you* Smee and Stoat, the story has grown and mutated since those early days.

I will see how it goes for now anyway.


*I think.

[Chinaren]

Crap, forgot to log in.

[LordoftheNight]

we guessed it was you though

[Chinaren]

Well yes, but I hate losing Fables for posting as Guest! ;)

[LordoftheNight]

poor* you

*note this is not a literal meaning of poor

[Ingrothechundyer]

Sounds like everyone is doing better then my two votes :)

[Solomon Birch]

Great chapter Chin. What I find with my stories (maybe its just me) is that many people read it, and if there's a poll, they vote, but becuase most read lot's of stories, and like me, have little time to spare, then they only post occasionally (with the exception of Ms. Stoat, who seems to love posting in my stories..... Dunno why ;) ).

Don't be disheartened! We all love Gvs.Evs.M! :biggrin:

Don't we guys?

[LordoftheNight]

*produce a half hearted chorus of cheers*

[Key]

Interesting discussion. A few comments:

- Can't hurt to send an emissary to the humans, but I think our main chances are with the mysterious northerners. We already know the humans are divided, and many of them will likely want to join the winning side. If we can somehow get these northerners to score a blow against Phang, that will improve the chance that others will join us. BTW, we should also try to send a message to the Gnomish army, to let them know that the King and Prince have survived.

- Re people reading stories in the separate forums vs. main forums: This is something that I have sometimes noticed, that stories sometimes decline in traffic after they move (or at least that it doesn't boost their traffic) which is completely opposite to what the point of getting your own forum. I still need to look into this phpFetchAll mod which jnmrcs is helping me to install, but it may be possible with that to do some site redesign, including things like "newest chapters" on the front page. That might give some more visibility to the stories that have their own forum.

- Cool avatar, Solomon. :D

[Phang]

But why does this decline in readers happen?

I mean, what makes it so different? It still appears on new posts.

Does anyone here actually use the 'view new posts' link? It's near the top of the index page.

[Ingrothechundyer]

I do when I have time. When I don't I only look at stories I'm currently following.

[Chinaren]

If you did do a site re-design, it would be cool (but not sure how practical) to do the page as a 'city map' and you click on parts of it to enter, or 'zoom in'

[Key]

chinaren wrote: If you did do a site re-design, it would be cool (but not sure how practical) to do the page as a 'city map' and you click on parts of it to enter, or 'zoom in'

I'd love to do that, but probably won't get that ambitious in the next few months. :cool:

[Idea master]

Lazy people of the world, unite! We will take over the city!
...
As soon as we get off our lazy arses in our La-Z-Boys, have someone open the door for us, and hand us the deed.
I believe that the Elves are more likely to listen to the fairy boys than the gnomes, and the humans will just make fun of the dimuntive size of both of them. So off and away to the far reaches of the north!

[Suneila]

I say send a fairy emissary to the elves and gnome emissaries to the humans (I don't know why, but I'm sure the humans would be more willing to listen to gnomes than fairies).

Also about reader participation: When I first started on the site, I only read the main stories, but then as I got caught up on stories that were already in later chapters, I started reading other stories as well. I still don't read all of the stories. I read the ones I've started, and I catch up on all the stories that are nominated for SGOTM (cuz I think it's just wrong to vote if you haven't read all the stories in the list)

~sunny

p.s. Have any of you ever seen the movie Gnorm the Gnome? I keep seeing Reiso and Chundyer like that.

[Chinaren]

Okay, thanks for all the comments all* I will put the poll up, with one option to split the party.

Let the voting commence!

*After all my moaning. Sorry about that, I was feeling a bit blue that day.

[Smee]

I want an option for humans/north split - I'm not sure why the elves are so heavily in the poll when it seemed common opinion that they aren't much use at this time. :?


But the poll has started now, so I've voted for the second option.

Happy Writing. :)

[LordoftheNight]

i voted for the elves, simply because elves are better than everyone else

especially if they're dark elves/drow/druchii

[Chinaren]

Smee wrote: I want an option for humans/north split - I'm not sure why the elves are so heavily in the poll when it seemed common opinion that they aren't much use at this time. :?


But the poll has started now, so I've voted for the second option.

Happy Writing. :)

I don't know what you are talking about Smee, there it is, not just added or anything.

Okay, if you want to change the vote then I will delete this one and restart it. Sorry all.

[Smee]

LOL - it's ok - option two covers the northerns and the humans, with the elves tied in for a bonus.

More work for you, and fitting revenge for forgetting the poll option in the first place. Mwahahahahahaha.

~ Random evil moment dept :D

[D-Lotus]

I'm still here...I came back...but I'm doubting my talent. So I think I'm gonna start making movies...(or 10 minute shorts)....Well, I'll see what I'll do. So far my idea is for a short called The Wall, in which there is this guy who's wall is picked for a Steven Spielburg movie in which the wall is the main character, so he starts getting fanatical with the wall and washing it everyday...etc... :D

[Chinaren]

D! Glad to see you are still around!! :D :D

Keep writing mon, no need to doubt your talents, you are a great writer!

[Chinaren]

Okay, Go North has taken it with 4 votes, which was a bit unexpected, but then I should be used to that by now.

Writing chapter 19 now, which is going to be bloody hard.

[Mother Goose]

Sorry, missed the vote. I'm still here, reading, but it's hard to keep up with everything! Especially since I'm short on ideas for comments.

[Chinaren]

Mother Goose wrote: Sorry, missed the vote. I'm still here, reading, but it's hard to keep up with everything! Especially since I'm short on ideas for comments.

I forgive you MG! ;)