City of IF

[Chinaren]

Okay all. Sorry. The Poll is back up again, you will have to vote again I am afraid.
:?

[LordoftheNight]

i went for the soup bowl on legs

[jnmrcs]

I voted for the tiny stoat... nice.

[Solomon Birch]

I went for tiny Stoat too.... :D

Hee hee, this should be funny :lol:

[Chinaren]

hehe. One vote for everything except Tiny Stoat. So you say, so shall it be...

*Starts writing*

[Chinaren]

Episode 4 - Of cream cakes and Muggableagoob.

Stoat panted hard as the suddenly giant Muggableagooba tried to catch her using the simple technique of stamping everywhere. Luckily she was naturally wiggly, and the shrinking spell seemed to have the effect speeding her up, so she zipped in and out of the questing legs like a small furry pinball.

Poggoboggo was an elite guard in the village militia, which entitled him to one extra banana a day and the choice of shrunken heads once the shaman had done with them. He took careful aim at the little white creature on the floor and stamped down hard. Movement ceased. He looked down. Nothing. The intruder was no where to be seen. Carefully he raised his foot and looked underneath. Still nothing. Poggoboggo scratched his head, dislodging a variety of small insects from their lifelong home.

The others guards, still looking for the Stoat, suddenly saw Poggoboggo jump three feet in the air and scream, clutching at his sacred banana area*. The guard landed and then went very still, as if listening to a tiny voice only he could hear.

Poggoboggo looked around. “Ah. Nothing. Look for animal. Do now!” The other guards paused a moment, then went about searching through the grass. Meanwhile Poggoboggo moved slowly and very gingerly away, towards the village gates.

*Take a guess.

>>>

“++Bleep++ Danger Danger! Visual obscurity at critical levels. ++ Activate self destruct ++” Cyborgninja flailed its arms about wildly whilst the Muggableagooba crowded round to get a better look.

>>>

“I can’t see the Stoat anymore, perhaps they have squashed her!” said Lordy, peering down into the village.

“There is the robot!” pointed Jnmrcs at the static figure. “He is just standing there in a middle of a crowd of little…”

Cyborgninja exploded in a ball of flame, scattering bits of Muggableagooba over a wide area.

“…pieces.”

“Ah, that would be his self defense mechanism,” said Key who had found the cream cakes in Stoat’s bag and was helping himself.

“Strange form of self defense, blowing oneself up” said Smee.

“Oh, it’s okay. He can be put back together again. Just needs someone to collect the bits.” Key crammed a whole bun into his cakehole.

“So it’s a rescue is it?” RLZ strode forward. From somewhere he had acquired a leather jacket, with ‘Born a man. Now a Hero’ painted on the back, though the last ‘o’ had faded which changed the message in an unfortunate way.

“RLZ is your man!” He struck a Pose, which the flying eyes recorded, and then leapt off down the hill, quickly tripping over a root and rolling most of the way until he hit a tree with an ‘oof!’

Shaking his head he picked himself up and started running, stopped, turned around, and ran towards the village. A Muggableagooba stepped into his path.

“Look!” said RLZ pointing behind the Muggableagooba and then punching the little man in the head as he turned to see, which only served to hurt his fist. RLZ resorted to kicking the guards’ sacred banana area and then leaping past the doubled up form into the village.

Key wiped cream from his mouth and shook his head. “I wonder where he got that jacket from?”

>>>

A strange figure limped from the Shaman’s hut, taking advantage of the guards’ distraction to slip towards the exit. Walking was difficult for Dean as most of his left leg was in shadow form, as was all of right arm and the lower part of his torso. The rest was stuck in non-shadow, and he was feeling decidedly uncomfortable.

“Bloody stupid game show” he muttered to himself as he slipped behind a Muggableagooba guard who had been dazed by Cyborgninjas’ explosion. “Stupid booby trapped box” he added as he tried to hold onto a wall, falling over as his hand passed through it. “Damn! I am going to kill that Chinaren!”

Holding onto the hard won map with his solid hand he stood up and limped off.

>>>

Stoat staggered through the jungle, which was a dangerous task when one has to crane ones neck to see over the grass. She was wiping her mouth, spitting and muttering bad words under her breath. One unfortunate snake who thought she would make a nice meal was left vowing to stick to safer prey after a brief and brutal encounter. Once it figured out how to untie itself of course.

Stoat was not in a good mood. Climbing into a Muggableagooba’s sacred banana area will do that for you. Especially as the Muggableagooba religion forbids showering except on a double lunar eclipse.

>>>

“Welcome back viewers! This is Emerald Eyul reporting from the Jungles of Muggableagooba! Our contestants have returned safe and sound, well a little bit sound, from the first challenge!”

Emerald turned to Stoat, who was standing next to her open bag looking inside.

“Little mouse, would you like to say something to our audience?”

The tiny Stoat spit a curly hair out of her mouth.

“I want to know who stole all the cream-cakes. Someone is going to be very sorry.”

She looked at the last remaining one - a long sponge finger with a dab of cream squidged out of the end of it - and shuddered.

“Never mind. Does anyone want the last one, too? I think I just lost my appetite.” She wandered off muttering under her breath. “Wouldn't say 'no' to a breath-mint, though...”

“Er, thank you!” Said Emerald turning back to the flying eye. “And now for our next task!”

“Two further contestants were late to enter, and unfortunately have fallen into hostile hands. Our brave team will now split into two groups and perform daring rescues! Probably.”

Smee, Jnmrcs, Muaddib, IM, Cyborgninja (once he has been re-assembled) will go with Chinaren to rescue Sorrow, who has been captured by the Giant Slug-eaters of lower Muggableagooba valley, to the north of here.

Meanwhile Tiny Stoat, Lordy, Dean, Key and RLZ will head off to rescue Crymzon who has been taken by something far more loathsome. What has captured our valiant companion I hear you ask? A good question…”

>>>>>>

So then. Suggestions needed! What has Crymzon been captured by? Let’s hear it people! Put your warped brains to use…

And thank-you goes to Stoat for her quote!

<<<<<<

[Shady Stoat]

Oooh, good chapter! *sucks on a breath-mint*

Now... what can have taken our dear Crymmy...

How about the Mayor-eating Monkey Hordes of Muggableagooba Mud-pits?

Crymmy should be safe... for now... but I'm not so sure about certain members of his rescue party ;)

[Idea master]

No no no...It has to be a tribe of fanatics. There is always a need for fanatics. I really don't care what they are fanatical about (Heck, it could be green deer and purple cheese) They just need to be fanatical about something.
...
And me rescuing Sorrow? What are you drinking, China, and why are you not sharing?

[Phang]

A huge, fearsome, twisted, foul...rather large blob.

[jnmrcs]

Very nice chapter...

Just one thought, can I really divide into two? :smile:

I'm in both groups. I'm not complaining, I like to participate...

[Chinaren]

Quote: Just one thought, can I really divide into two

Oops! Sorry Jnmrcs, fixed! :?

[LordoftheNight]

Quote: ‘Born a man. Now a Hero’ painted on the back, though the last ‘e’ had faded which changed the message in an unfortunate way.

just wondering - did you mean last 'e' or last 'o' here?

[Chinaren]

Quote: just wondering - did you mean last 'e' or last 'o' here?

Damn! Fixed, thanks Lordy.

[LordoftheNight]

makes more sense that way

[Crymzon]

Very nice chapter there. Erm why is it always me that gets grabbed by the really big nasties? Its just not british ... ah well more fun this way.
I don't know whats grabbed me but I've a funny feeling its going to be BIG.

Nicely done China dude!

:D

[Dean]

Haha, great chapter, ChinRen. I'm starting to think you enjoy injuring me. Lol....

I think I know what captured Crymzon. And it's damned scarey too. It is definately...Margaret Thatcher in a tight dress.

[Solomon Birch]

Dean wrote: I think I know what captured Crymzon. And it's damned scarey too. It is definately...Margaret Thatcher in a tight dress.

I hope not! :-o

Funky chapter Chin, nice one! :D

I reckon that it should be some sort of King Kond look-a-like, with Crymzon becoming the giant monkey's unwilling subject of affection! ;) :biggrin:

We need more Monkey love!! :P

*holds breath* :shock:

[LordoftheNight]

King Kong, surely?

[D-Lotus]

How about nothing's captured crymzon...she's(he?) just being subjected by a deadly virus called...the diarreah virus! :shock:

[Chinaren]

ooh. A virus. I like the sound of that one.

[jnmrcs]

An interesting option... :lol:

[Crymzon]

A) I'm Male

B) I do not want to be the subject of affection for a giant male anything

and C) I'll be having nightmares for weeks now ... thankyou very much :D

[Chinaren]

Quote: A) I'm Male

I told you your av' makes you look like a girl Crimmy! ;)

[D-Lotus]

Its kinda hard to determine gender...the avatar can sometimes be misleading.

[Crymzon]

Well I'm still looking for a new one .... I'm not very good with pictures ... Anyone who finds me a bloody good (and fitting avatar) can av 200 fables :D

[Chinaren]

I am on the job! :D

[Crymzon]

Thanks again for the brilliant spangly new Av ... fables are yours matey

:D

[Idea master]

I said a tribe of fanantics! Don't make me quote myself.
Ooh!
Have the tribe be fanatical about Crymzon!
There's an idea!

[Crymzon]

Man I don't know whats scarier ... a fanatical tribe or a tribe fanatical about me ...

I was thinking that a great big dangerous water monster has for some reason realised I'm one of its young and decided to keep me.

Mental note: Stop taking horse tranquelisers

I dunno, It's not a horrible idea ... :cool:

[Chinaren]

Okay, poll is up. Go for it! :D

[Solomon Birch]

Went for the monkey, cos' I want some monkey-on-man action! ;) :D

[LordoftheNight]

went for the virus, because daemons dont get sick

wait - which group am i in again?

[Crymzon]

Voted I have, hoping not to die horribly I am! o-)

[ethereal_fauna]

Missed the suggestion phase, but here with a vote that some zealous motherly beast adopts sweet Crymmy as her own. :cool:

[LordoftheNight]

would you look at that post option - 1,2,3,4

[Solomon Birch]

*gasp* :shock:

Incredible Lordy, how on earth did you spot that? ;)

[LordoftheNight]

it's all part of my awesome earth-shattering power - i have to be observant

[Chinaren]

Okay then. I think that is enough time.

Lonely mother it is then dammit. I was so looking forward to the virus option. Unless... :shock:

[Crymzon]

Feeling mild concern now but we'll see :D

[Chinaren]

Episode 5 – Jungle perils.


The steaming jade jungles of Muggableagooba are home to some of the most dangerous animals on US*, and include the Mainly Spotted Carnivorous emu, the highly feared Blue tortoise, whose mere angry glance can cause severe swelling** and death by bloat and, of course, the rare nine legged Wort spider, whose bite causes the most agonizingly painful death*** yet recorded by man.

One of these dangerous spiders even now sat on the leafy floor of the jungle, secure in the knowledge that no intelligent creature would dare approach it…

“I say! Look at that pretty insect!” came a voice.

“That’s not an insect, that’s a spider, or an arackynud” replied another.

“Don’t be silly!” said Key, bending down and picking it up, an act that was so unbelievably foolish that he wasn’t bitten purely because the Wort spider was in shock. This had never happened to it before. “Spiders have eight legs. This one has…” a minute of silence followed as Key did the complex math… “Nine! Nine legs!” He beamed triumphantly and waved the spider around.

“Well it’s not an insect then either is it?” said Lordy. “Anyway, you should be careful with that thing, it may be dangerous.”

“Nonsense! How could such a brightly colored thing like this be dangerous? Look at all those pretty red, yellow and black stripes, and its cute little teeth! Who’s a pretty insect thing then? Insecty winsecty,” Key lapsed into baby speak at the stunned arachnid.

“Well, I think we should leave the wildlife alone. It might be endangered or something” said Stoat, who was riding upon Key’s shoulder, rather nervous at the sight of a spider her own size. “Put it down please, there’s a good mayor.”

Key grumbled under his breath, but put it down on a leaf, behind which a ferocious carnivore had been lying in wait, readying to pounce.

“I never get to keep anything,” moaned the mayor as the party moved on, oblivious to the death throes of a vicious giant tiger behind them, which had just been bitten by an enraged Wort spider.

“How far is it anyway?” asked Dean, who was having trouble walking in half shadow mode.

RLZ stopped and fished out the map he had been given. He was holding it upside down, though this was lucky in one way, because he was also misreading it. The combination of the two somehow managed to put them in the right direction.

“RLZ says it is this way!” he said, after some head scratching.

“Come on then, before Key finds any more new friends to play with” said Lordy, and the party moved off again through a particularly dense patch of trees.

There was a sound of a rope swishing and suddenly the party was hoisted into the air like a flock of unusual birds taking flight.

“What the devil?” cried Key above the more muffled and desperate shouts of the others, who happened to be uncomfortably arranged underneath him in the net that now entangled them all. “Trapped! Trapped I say!” He waved his arms about.

A figure stepped out from behind one of the trees. It was some sort of Muggableagooba pigmy warrior, wearing a grass skirt, copious amounts of yellow war paint and with the latest in human-bone body piercing ornaments. A small necklace of shrunken heads finished off the ensemble.

He waved a short stick and did a little jig as he saw the catch his trap had netted. “Oh! Bigoolugoogrublog be lucky today indeed!” he said. “Mucho heads to shrink today yes indeedy!”

Key peered down, an act that didn’t endear him to his companions underneath him. “I say! You down there! We appear to have become entangled in this netting somehow. Be a good native and let us down would you?”

This plea stopped Bigoolugoogrublog’s little dance and caused much mirth. “Hohohoho! Big talking ball very funny! Talking balloon head me keep for me! Look good on mantelpiece in hut oh yes!” The pigmy walked underneath the swinging group and started counting his catch.

“Pssst! Hold on!” A small voice above Key made him look up. Tiny Stoat had climbed up through the netting and was busy chewing through the straining rope.

“Aha!” Key said, and tapped the side of his nose, subtle as a brick. “Gotchaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Stoat’s efforts had achieved their desired result, and the lot of them fell back to earth with a resounding crash.

“My arm!”

“Get off me you fat oaf!”

“Who are you calling fat? I have lost weight I will have you know!”

“Oohh my god! I think I have squashed my tibea!”

“Get your knee out of my kidney!”

With much complaining the five of them detangled themselves and crawled out of the net.

“Bloody pigmies!” shouted Lordy looking around. “Where is he? Where is the little yellow haired midget? I am going to make him very sorry indeed.”

“Too late. He is already sorry.” Said Dean and pointed.

Under the remains of the net, mostly buried in the soft earth were the definitely flatter remains of the unfortunate Bigoolugoogrublog.

Lordy winced as Emerald stepped out from behind a tree.

“Great going guys! The ratings just shot up! Keep it up!”

“You were there all the time and didn’t help us?” asked Dean.

Emerald shrugged, causing her upper parts to jiggle distractingly. “Sorry, can’t interfere. More than my jobs worth.”

“I say!” a small voice interrupted from above. “Would someone mind catching me please?”

They looked up and Lordy just about managed to catch Stoat as she let go of the rope.

“Nice catch Lordy” she said, sitting on his head.

“Right, if we are all ready, let’s find Crymzon shall we?” Said Dean.

They nodded and set off again up a steep incline, leaving the unfortunate Bigoolugoogrublog behind.

>>

“This is Emerald Eyul, reporting from deep in the jungles of Muggableagooba. I am here with team A who are currently tasked with rescuing one of their party. As you can see, they are huddled together behind that tree, presumably discussing their tactics. Let’s get closer and listen shall we?

“…tell you one more time, I didn’t eat your bloody cakes!”

“Well, if it wasn’t you, why do you have cream on your jumpsuit then?”

“Stoat, now come on. You know how fast they go off, I was doing you a favor!”

“So it was you! You admit it! Do you know what I had to do to get Chinaren to get those cakes for me? I am going to…”

“Well, let’s leave them to their discussion and look over and see what had captured Crymson instead. Just over this hill and there he is! You can see him just outside that cave there. Oh, and look at that thing! What sort of creature is that? Let’s watch and see what our contestants do next…”

>

Lordy crept over the rise and looked down at the cave. Dean poked his head up next to him. “What can you see?”

Lordy squinted. “There is Crymy. He seems to be laying on the floor against that rock. I can’t see anything that…oh!”

Down below, a thing had just emerged from the cave entrance. It could best be described as a large amoeba, but at least two meters tall and a pulsing green color. As they watched the thing bent over Crymson.

“How is my little girl feeling now? Are you better? Poor thing. It’s lucky I found you.” It extended a tentacle and patted Crymson on the head.

Crymson groaned. “I told you! You are not my mother! And for the last time don’t call me a girl!”

The Amoeba ignored him. “There there, don’t worry, Mummy will look after you until you feel better. Just lay there and rest for now. I will be just inside the cave. Just call if you want any more slug soup.”

“Arg! You are the thing making me sick you overgrown virus! And how can I go anywhere, I am bloody well chained to the rock!” Crymson sneezed and groaned, slumping back on the floor and rattled a large thick chain, which was previously hidden in the leaves. “Oh my head!”

Lordy and Dean looked at one another and slid back down out of sight.

“Well?” asked Stoat, “what did you see? Is he there?”

“Some sort of giant virus thinks he is his daughter.” Said Dean.

“How are we going to rescue him then?” Said Key.

“Hmph. Just pretend it is one of my cakes and eat it” said Stoat, who technically wasn’t talking to Key until he apologized for Cake-gate, as she had named the incident.

“RLZ will rescue him!” said RLZ standing up.

Dean pulled him back down. “It won’t be that easy this time. How will you get the chains off?”

“What we need,” said Lordy, “is a plan…”

*The planet US that is, home of the City of IF and all the rest.
**Usually of the feet or ankles. The blue tortoise isn’t that tall.
***As researched by the Inquisition of AHA during the bloody reign of Hargle the Mad.


>>>>>>

So there you go chums. What now?

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