City of IF

[Kalanna Rai]

Since you goaded me into it Stoat here's a RED HOT story game that I hope will save my good name...and show that I really care about more than gold...
P.S. It's written like a memoir and I havn't seen many of those on IF so it's pretty experimental...enjoy...
-----------

You Can't Take it With You

Chapter One: I Get to Thinking...

11th of Ferfall, 12 Year of Zalgum the Green,

Lick, snap, chew, nibble, roast, crunch, much, gulp, ahhh....There's nothing more satisfying in the world than finishing off the last of a desperate bunch of gold lured loosers. I've eaten hundreds, maybe thousands of these down on their luck 'heros' that think they can wrap themselves in tinfoil and kill me with a toothpick. Pathetic.

Year after year they try to raid my pile of gold...well small mountain actually...and year after year I add another sword to my collection and, as of late, another band of scales or so to my waistline. Truth is I haven't been out of my cave in years, not since Argack the Black was killed in the battle of Mike's Pastry Shop. My what a wonderful time of looting that was...all those desserts spilling into the street making the others leave their hordes unguarded and ripe for looting...ahhh.

Yet now, as my bulk spreads to obscure all I hold dear, I am beginning to yern for my simpler beginnings, my rootless days when my hord could be packed around in a knapsack and had no danger of being stolen. I long for the azure skies, and the sapphire waves. Yet what of my horde...? If I left surely one of my enemies would come and steal what I have spent so many years defending. What I risked life, limb, and forgone so many social functions to accrue?

Yet now, examining my pudgy bulk, I am beginning to think that there's more to life than gold. Impossible I know but still I can't help but wondering what there is out there in the great wide world that I've been missing these past eleven hundred years...

12 of Ferfall, 12 Year of Zalgum the Green,

I started working out today! Getting myself in shape for some world traveling! I want to see what it is that makes other dragons forgo their hordes and venture out of doors...I really should list out my regimen...just to make sure I stick to it...and my diet as well...

600 tail curls, 1200 push ups. Fly from Creze Lake to Milcot Bay and back in three hours. Swim the Hellbore twice. Take a brisk 30 mile run. If it seems like work IT IS. No pain no gain...

You can eat men in armor but only two weekly. Stick to a diet of deer and boar...no cheating on the village sacrifices...and stay away from virgins...no matter how hansome the boys are!!!
Remember no innkeepers or merchants. You are on a no fat diet.

6th of Garbik, 12 Year of Zalgum the Green,

My regimen has kept me busy but I'm seeing results! I've shed seven scalebands! All those encrusted jewels and squished golden codpieces have finally come free and you don't know what a relief that is! I feel younger than I have in centuries! The villagers are getting scared...it's no longer just idiots who think I'm some kind of 'get rich quick' scheme but professional dragon hunters.

I'm only taking a break to write this down because I think I've found a way to seal off my cave of goodies...but it'll mean bringing the whole mountainside down...I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of commitment. I mean working out and getting in shape is all well and good but if I do that I'll be homeless and hordeless! Besides, where would I go? I havn't the faintest idea what the land beyond my cave is like?

Yet people with think I'm dead! I'll have the ultimate freedom to wander and roam! Oh what to do? I suppose I can seal it with wards but that'll only last a few weeks at best...certainly not long if some other dragon decides to come and take it all away...

What am I going to do?

[Chinaren]

Hey! Great start Rai! :-)

Yes, seal the cave and go roamin'!

[ethereal_fauna]

I think going for a trial-run for a few weeks (leaving some wards behind) will be the best idea for now.

She shouldn't need to worry about another dragon stealing her hoard - she's already said it's a small mountain, and it's the freedom of the other dragons that she is persuing. The most they'll steal is a small part of it, and if she brings the mountain down she'll lose all of it.

If she finds something good on her trial expedition then she can come back and do something more permanent.

Although hoarding is overrated...and this is a mid-life crisis. Maybe just chuck it all and go for tight leather outfits and a dragon-sized sports-cart. But materialism may be the issue, and devaluing the pile of treasure by giving it away might bring a new freedom and profound peace. *grins*

Happy Writing :D

Smauna :D

[Chinaren]

Quote: Happy Writing

Smauna

LOL!

Do you need to change your location Flauna?

[Shady Stoat]

:clap: Wonderful start Kalanna! :D

I think her best bet is to plunge right in. Make sure she can't be weak and go back on her new resolutions. After all, she can always dig out the treasure again in a few decades, if it all goes horribly wrong - or she could just work to amass a whole new horde.

I think she should try and get a job. Nothing relieves those mid-life blues like keeping busy. What job, though? Acting? There's bound to be pageants and theatres in need of dragons to 'slay'. Pit-fighting? Stick a dragon up against all those other mythical creatures and watch the slaying begin? Money-counter, or item-evaluator? She should know the worth of loot better than your average fence!

Of course, there's the teensy little problem of not getting people to run screaming, discharge their bowels or faint at the mere sight of a dragon... but I'm sure you can get over that :D

By the way, 654 words so far. Once you reach 3000 (and after at least 3 chapters) I'll hand over the grand prize. Bet you can't wait, eh? :lol:

[Crymzon]

Nice one Kalanna. Well can't help you much with the losing/not losing yer stash bit however.

Dragon's lets remember are MAGICAL creatures ... and as such can usually take human form. People aren't going to run around screaming when you're one of them. :D

Go for a wander ... ya know ya want to!

[Thracia Alba]

Brava, Rai! Excellent read! Although I don't really like the idea of a dragon having shape-shifting abilities, mostly because I grew up with Smaug and related dragons. I say our dear dragon friend packs some of her favorite treasures in a bag and then sets off for adventure and whatnot! But not before sealing her hoarde, of course. Who knows, maybe it won't bring the whole mountain down? Besides, there's plenty more treasure in the world, and she's not as old as all that!

[LordoftheNight]

yeah, just because they're magical, doesn't mean they can shape-shift. i mean, the only reasons daemons can is because otherwise people would always flee at the first sign of them, and they'd never have a chance to convert people

[Kalanna Rai]

Okay guy's polls up...and no I can't do shape shifting...Much...*laughs and switches from dragon to donkey and back*

[Chinaren]

Really, you can't put an option like 'tight outfits' in and expect me to resist it!! ;)

[Kalanna Rai]

I know, that's why it's there...

[LordoftheNight]

i know - evil evil kal

you sure you wont join up?

[Kalanna Rai]

Sorry Lordy, my membership is required elsewhere...I've elected to go with a startup not an established....


Besides...freelance evil is more fun...

[LordoftheNight]

whatever, you're just weak

[Kalanna Rai]

Lordy if I was weak I wouldn't continue to pick fights with you now would I? I'd just give in and join EVIL like you keep on asking me to...unfortunately most people who think I'm weak end up being wrong...and then I eat them and spit out their crunchy tinfoil shells.

Smee's forbidden me to go to war with EVIL but if you keep taking potshots at me...well I just might have to take steps to protect my good name...

If you want to test my mood go listen to Skid Row's Youth Gone Wild for a few minutes...if you find it...

[Kalanna Rai]

Well I'm blending two of Shady's ideas now so I hope you like the result...
-------------

Chapter Two: It's all in the Wardrobe

20 of Garbik, 12th Year of Zalgum the Green,

It seems I have no choice in the matter of my horde, I must move at once. Word reached me not a week ago that the best group of dragon slayers in all the known worlds now seeks out my hide. Yes I'm talking about the dreaded Knights in White Satin!

Their feats are legend, their cruelty just as well known. If they catch me my beautiful, if a tad old, hide will be tanned and stretched for rugs in their living rooms, or tack for their horses...just maybe as several pairs of size twelve boots. Ahhh the shear unmitigated PG-13 Horror!!!!

Yet I have not sat idle these past seven days...no I've been thinking that the solution to all my problems was a simple change in fashion. At first it started as a workout thing...you know to keep my weight heavy so that I bulked up faster. I tied all that loose armor, from all those loosers that have tried to kill me over the years, on in various places...

Well soon I got to thinking wouldn't it be a grand thing to have a set of dragon-sized platemail? So I took a small side trip to visit a coloney of dwarves that lived a little farther down in my mountains to learn smith craft. It didn't take me long...after all your only heating, cooling, and pounding on metal.

Yet the dwarven armor didn't have quite the...asthetic...qualities I was searching for. So I visited the elves for a bit and chatted with them on matters of art and beauty, you'd be surprised how well elves and dragons get along. They even stopped shooting me after I charred only half the forest...

Anywho when I got home I did everything I could to make some wicked-looking platemail, only to find out that it chafed and itched and was way too heavy to fly in. I was nearly heart broken...then I slapped myself on the head a few times. I'm a dragon, I've got elemental magics...duh.

So I've spent the rest of the week enchanting my badass armor, polishing it to a shine, and digging out a rather peculiar gem I stole from the lands most powerful sorcerer some centuries back...I wonder why I didn't think of it before.

The gem is magical and has only one good quality...it holds an enormous amout of junk in it. After cleaning out the usless effects of the unfortunate fomer owner I managed to stuff my entire horde in it...with room to spare, albeit not much room.

Now as I buckle on my platemail I've made the decision to leave only a scathing note behind for the Knights to find. I'm as good as dead if I stay...although I can't imagine why these guys are hunting me...it's not like I've been a menace to society or anything...well much of a menace.

I'd better stop writing and start running now...Talk to you later.

1 of Oppuck, 12th Year of Zalgum the Green,

I've managed to stay one step ahead of the Knights, but only one step. I'd no sooner left my lair than an explosion rocked the night. I didn't dare circle back to see but the Zephyers tell me that my entire mountain imploded from the force of a very iritated wizard.

Let 'em choake on that for a while, I lived in that cave for more than twenty thousand years and while it might not seem like much to you happy people it was home to me! I have my horde and my armor and my health but it seems like a hollow victory somehow and I don't know why. I should be perfectly happy...but I'm not.

Now as I lay curled here in a boggy marsh, not comfortable incased in magical steel I assure you, I write by the light of these cute little bugs who's butts light up...and everything smells awful. I keep wanting to go home...and the I remember I'm a homeless dragon. Without a nice, safe, imposing lair who's going to take me seriously.

It's dismal and gloomy here and I keep getting this itchy feeling between my wings like somebody's going to shoot an arrow at me. I keep looking at my reflection in the water. I still have my looks I suppose, maybe I'm not as old as all that...that or the swampgas is making me see things again...but the talking purple fish assure me that's not the case.

I am impressed with the fit of the armor...I did a rather good job on it if I do say so myself. It's scale-tight in it's fit, like a second skin...which might prove to be a problem when it comes time to shed since I've kinda forgotten how to take it off...

2 of Oppuck, 12th Year of Zalgum the Green,

Sorry for dozing off last night, I didn't really tell you much and was feeling quite sorry for myself to boot. I stumbled upon a Trader's caravan shortly after midday but didn't have the heart to eat a single armored man, that swampgas has some dreadful after-effects, avoid it if you can it's almost as bad as my breath after I've eaten a fat garlic and onion merchant.

I didn't even feel like attacking, I was just so starved for company, those talking fish made me realized how little in actual converstaion I've had in the last few centuries. I mean somebody begging and pleading for you to spare them gets old...as do the endless monolouges on life after death they always seem intent on giving you while you dine on their companions.

I just wanted some company, a person or two to make small talk with and here they were trying to kill me...a logical mistake I'm sure. A few of them laughed at my armor...until their swords shattered against it then I was the one laughing. After all, this snug little steel suit isn't just for looks.

Well anyway it was a good thing I chanced upon them. I hadn't been skirmishing with them more than an hour or so than this idiotic drake swoops out of the sky and demands that the caravan pay him tribute. Now if there's anything I hate worse than a pompous drake it's a pompous ass of a drake. You see drakes pretend to be dragons...until the real dragons show up...

Naturally I didn't like him dissmissing me as some illusion, or sorcerers pet, just because of my armor. And I told him so shortly before I turned him into a tripod and beat him with the severed limb. I then tied his tail in a knot, a pretty celtic knot at that, and told him if I ever heard of him harassing traders again I was going to neuter him next time.

Tonight I find myself curled up next to a mini-fire surrounded by happy, drunken, traders who keep trying to engage in song...although none of them sing too well under the influence. For a while they tried to get me to sing but when I launched into a wonderful war-ballad a few of them were sick...so I stopped.

Yet I find the converstaion interesting, apparently I could make good money providing protection to traders although most of them agree I could make better money as a soldier of fortune, or a mercinary. I hear there are a few splended wars to the south in a little known kingdom of Oogaboogaboo.

So I think that after a little rest I might take flight in serch of a battle I might get paid to fight in...a war I might get paid to win...or maybe just some sober conversation...I seem to have a great passion for conversation all of the sudden.

31 of Oppuck, 12th Year of Zalgum the Green,

It's taken me a month and now I've found my calling in life. I was on my way to the war in Oogaboogaboo when the Knights caught up with me. I'm not going to describe what happened, it gives me nightmares, but I am going to thank every god I know, and a few I've made up for the occasion, that I didn't run into all of them at once.

I ran into one, a man they call Pinky. He was bald and fat, his satin suit stained about the chest and neckline with gravy and other food particles. I had landed and was walking, yes walking, because I'd smelled an enchanting perfume while in the sky. It turned out to be these cute little white flowers that were growing by the side of the road.

I had literally stopped to smell the flowers when he came out of nowhere, his lance leveled at my heart...or where my heart would have been if I hadn't had it removed years ago. He wasn't prepared for my armor, I've figured out that unless I'm actively engaged in combat or willing them to see it my armor is invisible, and his cute little toothpick turned into so many matchsticks.

Then he drew his sword and I was really in for it. We fought for the better part of the day and then...I won't tell you how it ended but it involved spraypaint and the old 'your shoe's untied' gag. The next thing I know I wake up with a splitting headache, a half nude Knight corpse at my feet, and a gaping hole in my side.

I drifted in and out of conciousness for a time...then I woke to the sound of sobbing. A little girl was crying out there somewhere. For some reason that sound touched me like no other had, like the flowers that had called me out of the sky the sound of this little girl forced me to my feet and sent me into the forest after her.

I was limping, cursing, and badly injured when I found her. Her parents had been murdered and dumped there, a few days ago by the smell, and the little girl left to fend for herself. When she saw me I expected her to run screaming or die of fright, I wasn't exactly looking my best.

Instead she ran to me and threw her arms around me and sobbed against my leg. I put my head next to her and muttered to her, like I would a scared hatchling, and curled around her. I promised I'd never let anything happen to her, that I'd keep her safe, and then I sang her a lullabye, that didn't scare her, and put her to sleep.

I've been here ever since, healing and tending the child. She's rather sweet and gentle, yet feirce and wild at the same time. We buried her parents and I rolled a large stone over them. Now I'm well enough to fly and my former goal of flying off to war seems so trivial and petty. This little girl needs my help more than anyone else in the world.

So I've come to another decision. The girl tells me her home was in the west but that it's not safe for her there and that her parents were taking her somewhere in the east. She thinks the place was called Schmoeland. I know the west well, I could keep her safe, get to the bottom of things...or I could fly blind into the east on the assumption that she'd be safer there or wherever?

[Shady Stoat]

Kalanna Rai wrote: I won't tell you how it ended but it involved spraypaint and the old 'your shoe's untied' gag.

LOL! Love it! And this chapter more than qualifies in terms of word-count. We're definitely rolling up to 'grand prize' point ;)

So, our dragon has found a target to focus her affections on - and a foe to run away from. Life just gets more and more interesting. The mid-life crisis seems to be settling down a little, so I guess we focus on whether we want to run towards trouble or away from it.

I say go for it. Life was dull, now if we go West, we can have some excitement and still protect the little girl. We can also show her that running away doesn't solve problems for long, but facing them at least gets some interesting things to scorch along the way :P

[Kalanna Rai]

Glad you like it. I appriciate the use of the Knights in White Satin since it wouldn't have been as fun without them...

[Shady Stoat]

You want me to take down this poll too? :)

[Chinaren]

Great chapter Rai! :D

Well, maybe she has relatives in Schmoland? I reckon there is the place to start.

Knights in White Satin, never reaching the end...

[LordoftheNight]

personally i think she should eat the girl, and go east

[Chinaren]

lordofthenight wrote: personally i think she should eat the girl, and go east

LOL! :lol:

[OldJoe]

Head west young dragon. Yup.

[Kalanna Rai]

Okay Shady delete the poll and i'll take all these people's suggestions seriously*.










*lauhges outrageously

[Shady Stoat]

Done :)

[Kalanna Rai]

Poll's up.

[Solomon Birch]

Heh heh heh! Glad I found this, nice one Kal! :biggrin:

Little typo:

Quote: Let 'em choake on that for a while

This should be choke.

And I reckon they should head west. You are a dragon after all, so you should be able to keep her safe. So going west should be fun. :-D

And Lordy, Dragons can shapeshift. But this isn't D&D so... :P

[Kalanna Rai]

Look you know I can shape-shift and I know I can shape-shift, nobody's run me down with a torch an pitchfork yet, but lets keep it a secret okay?

P.S. Gotta go, there's some demon hunters outside I need to have a word with...

[LordoftheNight]

what? there's no eating girl option - what is this?

went to go east - why bother helping an insignificant mortal?

[Solomon Birch]

Its not an evil dragon. Well, so far it hasn't done anything evil, so I'm assuming that its not. :D

[LordoftheNight]

just because it's not evil doesn't mean it doesn't like to eat

are vampires evil because they drink blood?

[Mother Goose]

Glad I found this - a very good story! I vote for West.

Nitpicking: a pile of treasure is a hoard; a horde is a crowd, like a horde of barbarians.

[Kalanna Rai]

Lordy you've been outvoted so the dragon, and girl, are headed west...
----------------

Chapter Three: Into the West...your 'Other' West...moron...

4th of Blarg, 12th Year of Zalgum the Green,

We've been traveling west for four days now and I now realize why most of our kind prefer to eat humans rather than travel with them. It was fine while I was traveling with the caravan, I'd just fly ahead and come back to them when they stopped for the night. Traveling with this little girl is, well, a pain in my tail...and several other places.

She can't ride on my back, the wind would scrape her off like a bug or she'd get slice and diced on my spines, and I can't carry her, she's so tiny she slipps through my claws like a grain of sand...or I'd forget and just drop her, oopse...hey quit staring at me like that I caught her again didn't I? You have no concept of how hard that was...

Anywho, we finally found a workable solution...she rides in my mouth...don't look at me like that! Yes I realize better than you just how big a temptation that is...it's like flying around with a giant piece of chocolate on your toung and not being able to chew or swollow it. Talk about difficult.

I'm rather sick of flying around with my mouth open as well. I flew through a flock of geese on accident and I'm still spitting feathers out three days later. And I think I have a griffon wedged in my teeth someplace.

Bedding down is also a problem. Before I'd just pick a nice secluded bog, or swamp, or grassy meadow and nap for as long as I needed. Now I have to go through the trouble of lighting a fire, and itty, bitty, thing so small I have burp to get it going just right. It's not like I can just shoot out a jet of flame and be done with it, nooo a forest fire is too big for her.

My movements are so erratic I fear that the Knights will have no trouble finding me...and what happens if someone sees me like this? I'd just die if any of my friends...oh wait...I don't have any friends. Not even this girl, I suspect she's just using me...don't look at me like that! She's sneaky for a...nine?..year old.



5th of Blarg, 12th Year of Zalgum the Green,

The girl was absolutely terrified today. I flew over a recently raized castle, ah how I love the stench of charred ruins in the morning, and she began screaming and crying...something about home I think.

She wouldn't let me land for a closer look, and it's not like I can go into the village and ask questions, but I could tell you this much. It wasn't burned by any self-respecting dragon. A youngster on their first raid wouldn't have made those kind of mistakes. First, you don't leave livestock in the feilds...that's your after-raid meal. Second, you loot the place afterwards...the place looked simply like it had been put to the torch.

It was definetly human work, pah-worms. Human's wouldn't know how to wage war if it jumped up and handed them a manual called 'War for Dummies'. Duh, what'd you think I'd call it? 'The Complete Manual on Waging War'? Most humans can't read...or can't read well.

Back to my present complaints though. I fear I have gotten wrapped up in a human power struggle. The girl weapingly told me that her uncle was the King of the Eastern Marches. I never did get why the western-most part of the kingdom of Boopia was called the Eastern Marches but then again I'm not human.

So I agreed to fly her as far as that...maybe there's a tidy reward in this for me...or an angrey mob I like those too. I realize that my attitued toward the girl has taken a callouse turn but hey! The little brat's getting on my nerves.


14th of Blarg, 12th Year of Zalgum the Green,

Ha ha ha ha he he he he ho ho ho ho wheew! That was the best little skirmish I've had in years! I didn't give the King of the Eastern Marches the kind of credit he deserved! I fly for nine days straight to deliver him his beloved neice, and she was too he wasn't trying to kill her or anything...that could change if her behavior dosen't.

But back to my daring exploits in battle YEE HAW! The King had a pet mage, and by pet I mean it was his dog, who's now traveling with me believe it or not. This amazing little dog, Puddles by name, had managed to get hold of the real name of a rather foolish young dragon. I'm going to have to talk to his mother about him sometime, she really outta know what her boy's been up to for the past thousand years.

But when some soldier spotted me, he obviously didn't send a very flattering report....I believe he belittled me as this...fledgling...was under the impression I'd be quite a bit smaller than he was. As If! I'm old not dinky but they found that out.

Anyway I out flew the fledgling and spit the spoiled little brat out in her uncles courtyard. He was rather shaken and we were having words when the fledgling came back and demanded we finish our battle. To make matters worse at that exact moment a man on a white charger crested the hill to our north at that exact moment.

He drew his sword and bellowed something about avenging his fallen brother...it wasn't until he got close, the fledgling was a bit too pudgy to see all the way around like a little balloon with flippers instead of legs, that I saw he was wearing white satin armor...

You can imagine my chagrin at having to fight both of them at the same time. Well the fledgling realized it was going to be pointless to continue when he chomped down on my tail and broke all his teeth on my bad ass armor! Man I love to say that! The Knight took some extra work.

Even after he'd shattered his lance, blunted his dagger, bent his sword, run out of arrows, tried to use his bow as a rock and thrown it at me, and found out that it looks really stupid to try and use hand to hand combat on something that can darken the sky for miles I managed to rid the world of him. I do regret the loss of that herring but I had to use it on him...it was my last resort.

"But why a herring?" You ask. The answer's simple...they're rather nasty and toxic when they've been in one's armpit since early Garbik, I knew I should have showered after swimming the Helbor that last time...but it's a good thing I didn't...I wouldn't have had that fish to defend my self with otherwise.

Now, with Puddles snoozing at my feet, a charming little habit he has, I realize I would never have had any of these amazing adventures if I had stayed home and sat on that mountain of gold. Although I'm glad I didn't have to leave it behind. You see that mountain wasn't just made of gold...it was made of memories. Before I started keeping this journal I kept track of my life in possessions.

That hoard wasn't just a worldly mountain of wealth, it was a wealth of memories as well. This sword from that foolish king who made me laugh, this gem from that wizard that invaded the Icewall mountains in a Speedo...ahh good times.

My journal now has so many pictures of exotic places, although the pages are a bit sloppy in places and I can't read, or remember, a thing I wrote in that dratted swamp. Is that a reference to purple fish? Purple talking fish? That swampgas must have really gotten to me.

Back to the pictures. See there's one of me in my armor for the first time, magically inscribed in this book forever. And that one with me having a good time with the caravan guards...where'd I find a lampshade that big? And that one...urm that's a bit embarrassing maybe it's better left unsaid what happens to a dragon after that many ales...

As I look toward the pinkening east I wonder...what new adventures might await me there? Till then good friends we must wait because I've run out of...
---------------
There you have it folks...the rambling memoirs of a dragon. This tale has finished but who knows..it might begin anew in the future...

[Shady Stoat]

*grins* Compact... but I like it. Definitely worth of the grand grand prize of a pitiful handful of fables. They'll be coming your way soon.

Maybe we could wheedle a sequel out of you, too? I'm sure there's plenty of knights left out there somewhere - and plenty of herrings too ;)

Nice one Kal. :D

[Kalanna Rai]

Well lemme think about the sequal but thanks Stoat. You're right about all those knights still left...she said there were more adventures out there...she just ran out of...

[LordoftheNight]

see - now that's why humans are there to be eaten

just how big was the dragon rai - to have swallowed a gryphon...

[Kalanna Rai]

You don't really want to know Lordy...

[LordoftheNight]

that's sort of why i asked

[Kalanna Rai]

Well...she's somewhere along the lines of 1500 feet long, 750 feet tall, and she's got a 4500 foot wingspan. Not to mention the glare off the armor...big dragon...

[Chinaren]

:clap: Hurrah!

A loverly compact tale Rai! Well done! Excellent.