City of IF

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 4:41 pm Post subject: Ultimate Fantasy Deathmatch!!!

Round One: Gurr vs. Yoda

One night while watching TV with your family a lurid brodcast screen cuts into your normally schedueled program.

Welcome to Ultimate Fantasy Deathmatch! With your hostess, the femme fatale with the mostess, Kalanna Rai!" The screen is suddenly filled with the face of a huge dragon wearing an earset microphone, don't ask how, and a rather peeved expression.

"Thank you, thank you and welcome to Ultimate Fantasy Deathmatch the only show where some of your favorite characters from Movies, Cartoons, Video Games, Comicbooks, Manga, and Anime all come together to beat the crap out of each other."

The crowd in the background, made up of nearly every one of your favorite fantasy characters, cheers wildly at the announcment. The hostess lets out a massive bellow and they all quiet down again. Despite your parent/spouse/significant other's attempts to change the channel it remains firmly locked in place.

The dragon looks back into the camera and smiles. "Tonight a pair of unfortunate, er I mean lucky contestants, will come together for the one and only time...and only one of them will leave the ring alive. Normally we'd have you, the people...we are sure they're people right?, vote on the competitors but my former assistant had some technical difficulties on this so we were forced to choose ourselves."

The arena darkens and the crowd hushes. "May I introduce our first contestant. He's a small green Jedi master from a galaxy far, far, away. That's right I'd like to welcome Yoda!" The Star Wars theme plays and the tiny green midget walks into the arena. The dragon leans down her head to interview the contestant.

"Yoda, any last words?"

"Nothing fear I. The Force with me is." The dragon looks back into the camera.

"Well wasn't that, uh, unintelligible. Now for our next contestant. He's small, made of some unknown metal, likes pigs and is contstantly bullied by his Urkan master. That's right give it up for Gurr!" A single tinny speaker plays the Doom song while the tiny robot is shoved into the ring.

The dragon leans down her massive head and looks at Gurr. "Gurr any last words?"

"Cheese!"

"Ah well there you have it, both the fighers are ready to go so without further ado...FIGHT!" The dragon is blocking the camera view so you can't actually see anything happening in the ring...but the commentary is good so you're not missing much.

"And Yoda pulls out his lightsaber, an obvious move if you ask me, and advances on the brainless robot...who appears to be playing with a small rubber pig toy and dancing...oh it's still singing the Doom Song." The crowd roars.

"Oh Gurr has dodge Yoda's lightsaber throw and continues to dance with his pig...now Yoda's moving in with a flurry of lightsaber blows...and every one of them is missing. Gurr seems to have no tactic besides screaming and running and yet it's working masterfully! Amazing, the he's actually doing something!" Again the crow roars.

"My God! He threw the little rubber pig at Yoda and shorted his lightsaber...no Yoda's trying to do something...It's the Jedi mind trick! He's trying to use the Jedi mind trick on Gurr but he's having no luck...either the little robot is a better Jedi than Yoda...or he has no brain, that's the one that gets my vote." A hush comes over the crowd.

"Yoda has collapsed from exertion...Gurr is walking over to him...he's pulling something out of his head...it's pink...not it's not a brain it's a giant fluffy pink pig! He's putting it over Yoda...what's he saying I can't...oh he's telling him to have a good nap!" The crowd boo's.

"The little robot's tearing up now...he's grabbing his piggy...he's trying to escape from the ring...hang on the offical's checking on Yoda now..." The crowd roars!

"I don't believe it! Gurr has won! Gurr has won! He has smothered Yoda with a giant fuzzy piggy toy! Let's go talk to the winner." Leans down again to where the little robot is clutching his pig with a strange green alien standing next to him. "Gurr you've just beaten Yoda in the Deathmatch...what do you have to say?"

The little green alien gets infront of Gurr and starts talking. "Today...is a GREAT victory for Urkan kind..."

"Uh who are you?"

"I'm Zim! I'm going to conqure Earth for the Urkan people..."

"Yeah well I'm trying to talk to Gurr not you so move." Zim goes flying. "Now Gurr, after beating Yoda what are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to Crazy Taco!" The Dragon leans back into the camera view.

"You heard it, Gurr is going to Crazy Taco. Now just use the remote next to you to select who you want to see in the ring, we've fixed those technical difficulties. Tune in tomorrow, not like you have a choice, for the next Ultimate Fantasy Deathmatch!"
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Okay who do you want to see in the ring? Anybody works as long as I've heard of them, played them, seen them...etc..

LordoftheNight · Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5217 Location: Hell

ok, new story - now you're just showing off...and trying to catch chinaren too aren't you?

right then, how about we see - Penfold?

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 6:02 pm Post subject:

No I'm not trying to catch China...I just have this backlog of ideas that I want to get out of my closet*is buried by avalance of paper so only one leg is left free to run keyboard*

P.S. Who is Penfold...I'm a little old school on some things and slightly sheltered from others...

Warmaster Daizo · Guest

You killed Yoda! Miserable wretch; never was there a thing more wicked ever to walk upon this Earth!*

That being said, it's a brilliant idea, I look forward to future chapters. Also, I feel it is my sacred duty to indicate a more accurate verbiage for Yoda:

"Fear of nothing I have. With me the Force is."

My second semester of Latin was devoted to analyzing the notable comparisons between Latin grammar and Yoda grammar. Many they** are.

*hyperbole + sarcasm; please do not take it seriously
**not a typo

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 9:56 pm Post subject:

You're the evil one...I'm just trying to survive in this world...

P.S. Who's killed next?

Warmaster Daizo · Guest

I'll let you decide who dies, but how about a match between Legolas ~[Lord of the Rings] and Wolverine ~[X-men]?

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 10:09 pm Post subject:

Oh now that's a good one...Orlando Bloom vs. Hugh Jackman...I see possiblities...even if there are some short claws and a blond Cher wig involved...

Shady Stoat · Guest Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2852 Location: England

*giggles* Tournament of Glee :D

Let's see...

Alien vs. Paddington Bear for me :cool:

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 12:48 am Post subject:

*snickers behind a massive hand* Oh I like that one too...

Chinaren · Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 1:15 am Post subject:

Who is Gurr? :?

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 1:19 am Post subject:

I knew that question would be asked *sighs* You'll have to google this but search 'Invader Zim' It's a cartoon about a little green alien (Zim) who's been sent by the leaders of his race (Urkans) to conqure Earth...actually they were just trying to jettison him into space and didn't know Earth was here.

Gurr is his robotic sidekick...and is a total moron. All he ever thinks about is watching TV, eating cheese, and playing with plastic toys...generall pigs.

I know, I know he's not universally known but I bet you can find him on the net...he's really stupid though and most adults won't even give the show the time of day. Normall I wouldn't...but then I'm a very twisted individual...

LordoftheNight · Guest Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5217 Location: Hell

Penfold is old school

haven't you ever heard of Danger Mouse? Penfold's his mole companion

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 9:41 pm Post subject:

Sorry Lordy, never heard of them...anywhere on the net I might be able to find them? Or anyone else you have in mind?

LordoftheNight · Guest Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5217 Location: Hell

Oh there's loads of people I could suggest. Don't know anywhere the episodes can be downloaded though, sorry.

How about Bond?

Muaddib · Guest Joined: 31 Dec 2004 Posts: 1640

The PETY(People for Ethical Treatment of Yoda) protest loudly against your sacrilege.

How about Superman versus Elton John?

Vampireidiot · Posted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 10:36 am Post subject:

Noooooo!!! not little yoda! not little green yoda! lol

This sounds like a good idea, i voted for superman vs elton john, I just thought them to battleing it out owuld be funny :biggrin:

LordoftheNight · Guest Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5217 Location: Hell

The names Bond, James Bond.

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 12:15 am Post subject: !

It's all Paddington and the Alien this time so here you go...
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Round Two: Paddington Bear vs. Alien

You're eating cookies on the couch again when the TV suddenly turns itself on and a brilliantly colored commercial adverstising Chinnabrand Toilet paper is whisked off the screen to reveal the face of the dragon Yoda lovers everywhere despise so much.

"Welcome back to Ultimate Fantasy Deathmatch where, once again, an entertaining bloodbath will take place just for us." The crowd screams in delight...or maybe pain but you don't care. "Tonight, brought to the arena by popular vote, is our next pair of warriors is going to fight to the death." Picks up a little slip of white paper.

"And here's our first contestant now! He's a beloved childhood friend in his bright blue raincoat and red hat...it's Paddington Bear!" The Paddington Bear themesong plays as a little brown bear in a blue raincoat and red rainhat walks into the arena. "Paddington, any last words...no okay then, onto our next contestant."

The arena goes dark again and the dragon clears her throat. "Direct from the outer fringes of the galaxy comes the creature that put Sigornea Weaver through hell and took out the Preditor, yes it's the Alien!" The Alien spooky music plays while the thing is led into the arena by men in alienskin suits. "Any last words?"

The alien screams in the dragon's face, both set's of slime dripping jaws snapping inches from her snout. In a blurr of movement the dragon knocks the alien back five feet. "You're damn lucky I'm not in that ring with you you slimy bastard! They'd need to scraped you off the walls with a rubber spatula. Now let the fight begin."

Once again the dragon is blocking your veiw, it's starting to piss you off, but the commentary is still very good. "Alright the alien is going for intimidation...but Paddington's not falling for it, he's turned his back on us and is rummaging under his raincoat. Oh the alien is lunging...and Paddington has pulled a high-grade plasma cannon from under his raincoat that sneaky bastard!"

The dragon fits a pair of sunglasses over her eyes. "We caution those of you at home to put a pillow over your eyes. Remember none of us at Rai Corp. can't be held responsible for any injuries sustained while watching our program." You hear a strange whine followed by a massive detonation. The inside of your house lights up like Chevy Chase's christmas light display.

The powerful beam that emmenats from you window can be seen by astronauts in space and you now have a nice sunburn on you arms. "Oh the poor alien never saw it coming. And Paddington's raincoat has sheilded him from the acid rain that is now falling here in the arena, looks like they'll need the rubber spatula afterall."

"Paddington the veiwers at home want to know where you developed your beautiful stratagy."

"Bought the thing on SmeeBay. Tootles all."

"And there goes a true competitor folks. Tune in next week when one of the multitude shall battle it out for honor, glory, and the right to keep breathing."

As soon as the TV clicks off you grab the reciver to phone your local hospital, these burns are nasty. Before you're rushed to ER you manage to cast your vote for next weeks competitors...
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Okay give me some new ideas, just for variety I'm going to keep one of the old ones in the poll and hold the rest in reserve.

Chinaren · Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 12:39 am Post subject:

nice one!

e-bay, or Smee bay?

Shady Stoat · Guest Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2852 Location: England

LOL! He should have bought it at SmeeBay. Much more reasonable prices ;)

Now... who shall we have next?

Smaug vs. Gremlins :D

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 1:13 am Post subject:

SmeeBay it is then, oh and can you delete the poll here Shady, I remember who's gonna get kept and who's going in the 'wait for later' file.

Shady Stoat · Guest Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2852 Location: England

Done it :)

Vampireidiot · Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 8:24 am Post subject:

Rofl!!!

I say Noddy vs Tinkiewinkie ( out of the telly Tubbies) :biggrin:

LordoftheNight · Guest Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5217 Location: Hell

Jack verus Goliath

Chinaren · Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 3:51 pm Post subject:

This sounds like a good idea for a storygame* but how about...

The Stoat vs The Devil! :-o

*Which I may just write at some point.

Shady Stoat · Guest Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2852 Location: England

chinaren wrote:
The Stoat vs The Devil! :-o

I think we already will get this one if Soily ever pulls his finger out and writes chapter two of 'The Furry Goblin' ;)

ethereal_fauna · Guest Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2572 Location: USA

Says something for you when so many feel that you can successfully take on the devil. :grin:

LordoftheNight · Guest Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5217 Location: Hell

Pulls his finger out of where?

ethereal_fauna · Guest Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2572 Location: USA

Now there's an interesting question ;)

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 11:49 am Post subject:

Polling options! Vote!

Shady Stoat · Guest Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2852 Location: England

Smaug vs. Gremlins, not make it to the polls? *looks all pouty* ;)

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 12:12 pm Post subject:

Only four at a time, and you have to admit that the Elton John vs. Superman idea has way too much potential. Smaug is on the list for those dryspell moments along with Bond and Legolas vs. Wolverine...Don't worry you'll see that option in the future...

LordoftheNight · Guest Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5217 Location: Hell

Went for everyone's favourite giant slayer.

And created a tie.

Kalanna Rai · Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 9:43 pm Post subject:

One more day to see if the tie is ever broken...if not then it's at author's discretion and all the other ideas go into the recycle for later bucket...

Muaddib · Guest Joined: 31 Dec 2004 Posts: 1640

Voted for elton John and Superman. Singing gay man vs. flying gay man-way to cool.