City of IF

[Shady Stoat]

Chapter Eight: Beastly Behaviour

Oh, the possibilities of this wish were endless. Elladora’s mouth curled into an evil smile as she thought through her options.

Let’s see… something that no-one else in Sofie’s family had…

Blue skin? Antlers? The belief that she was a squirrel? Black death?

For a moment, she revelled in maliciousness, then she looked back down at the ten-year-old, with her battered toy and faded clothes. Reality started to settle on her like a weight.

‘She’s only ten,’ she thought, unwillingly. ‘Maybe it won’t hurt to give her what she asked for. Just this once.”

No! She had been faithfully granting wishes for the last hundred years and look where it had got her. She had to be strong, she had to stick to her goals and…

…and what? Where had it really got her, in the end? Fate was still sticking it to her, in a variety of increasingly creative ways. The Powers seemed intent on showering her with commendations. She still had four hundred years of her contract to see through, and now she had to do it with a deviant housegnome and an increasingly high blood pressure!

Maybe, if only for the sake of her stress-levels, it was time to give herself a day off and grant a normal wish. At least this girl wasn’t as bad as some of the others she had been forced to accommodate.

Her mind began to track over a set of less evil ideas.

New clothes? Uninspired. A special talent? There was no saying that Sofie would make anything of it; if Dora was going to grant a wish right for once, then it was going to be of some use to the recipient. A benefactor, of the rich and eccentric kind? No, in this day and age, they’d probably get arrested for making friends with a ten-year-old. The era of Pollyanna was well and truly over!

A pet, then? A magical pet, perhaps – one that didn’t need to be fed or overly-cared for, but would provide companionship and love and a sense of feeling special. Harmless enough, if she kept it subtle. Perhaps sufficient to keep the girl from becoming too petulant and, when she got bored of it, as she inevitably would, it would cost her a third wish just to get rid of it again. Dora liked wishes like that – they were less hard work!

She nodded to herself. Limbo was full of magical pets. She could make a brief stop there and return with something slightly better than a battered old teddy.

“You’ll have to wait a little longer, I’m afraid,” she said, amused to see the pout that formed instinctively on Sofie’s face. If this little girl could hold off on her third wish for just a few more years, she would be more than brat-enough to get what was coming to her. Dora just hoped she wasn’t around to see it!

“Back soon,” she said, waving her wand and disappearing.

---------

She arrived back at the cottage. Chuzzle appeared in the doorway of the study. Elladora eyed him suspiciously.

“What were you doing in my study, Chuzzle?”

“Nothin’ Miss!”

He looked so indignant that Elladora was almost inclined to believe him. Experience, however, had taught her that, when it came to her house-gnome, things were always more complicated than they seemed.

“Have you been watching the PlayGnome channel again?” she accused.

He looked relieved. If Dora hadn’t been in such a hurry, she would have said almost too much so. “No, Miss. Def’nitely not. I wouldn’t do that, not when yer tole me not to.”

She hesitated, then gave in. “Well, see that you don’t. I’m going to visit a colleague. I’ll be back for lunch.”

“Ooh, that reminds me, Miss Chubb. Fate wants to see yer when yer get back.”

“I want to see Fate too,” growled Elladora, thinking of those extra six names on her list. “I’ll get to her later. For now, I’ve got work to do.”

With that, she swept out of the cottage and into the streets of Limbo. Up Fantasy Lane, into Dreamers Street and past Cupid’s pink cottage. She hurried past the Ivory Tower and Hellspawn House, where the entities of Good and Evil were having their usual arguments about whose rhododendron bushes were trailing over into the other’s back yard.

At last, she arrived at her destination. It was possibly the most unusually shaped building she had ever seen – even in Limbo. Two perfectly oval domes were built on either side of a tall, conical tower, with a minaret at its summit. She was assured that this was supposed to represent eggs and carrots, although she had her doubts.

This was no time to be staring at architecture, though. She strode to the front door and rapped on it. Since neither Fate nor the dreaded Alexander Rose lived here, she was fairly confident of getting an orthodox reception.

She was forced to re-evaluate her use of the word ‘orthodox’ shortly afterwards. A five-foot beige bunny flung open the door, bounced out and wrapped its furry paws around her.

“Dora! Sweetie! How are you?” The Easter Bunny stepped back, held her at arm’s length and looked her up and down. “Been on the cream cakes again, honey? You should try the all-carrot diet. You could be looking as fit and bouncy as me in no time. Put the wiggle back in your walk, eh?”

It laughed, effeminately. Dora forced a smile, wondering for the umpteenth time whether this creature was male or female. Only Cupid seemed to know – and he wasn’t telling!

“Err… hello,” she said, awkwardly. “Can I come in?”

“Darling! Of course! Can I get you anything to drink? Milk? Carrot juice? Hot chocolate?” All the while it was talking, it was pulling Dora along into one of the domed rooms. She looked around at the bunny’s gym, with added drinks-bar and compared it to her own shabby cottage. It seemed that some entities got a better deal than others. Perhaps it was worth keeping the pressure up on Fate, after all.

Then she thought about what tools the Easter Bunny might use to negotiate with its boss, and suddenly the appeal faded.

She sipped at the cold milk, politely, then opened the conversation.

“I was hoping you could help me.”

“Anything, sweetie! Just tell me.” It sat next to her, ears quivering with anticipation.

“I’m trying to grant a wish for one of my clients,” she began, “and I thought a nice solution might be a magical pet. I came to you because… well… you’ve got a lot of friends in the Limbo animal community, with you being… umm…”

“An animal?” The rabbit steepled its paws, trying for ‘mildly disapproving’ and only achieving ‘camp’. “I’d be offended… if it wasn’t true, angel. For a job like this, I’m your bunny. What sort of pet were you after?”

“Magical,” said Dora. “Preferably one that doesn’t require too much maintenance. Just something fun and lovable. Like one of the frog-princes or a unicorn. What’s puss-in-boots doing these days?”

The Easter Bunny’s eyes were bright with excitement. “Forget puss-in-boots,” it cooed. “I’ve got something out back that’s the very thing, lovie.”

Putting down its glass of carrot-juice, it hopped energetically towards the door. As Elladora rose, it paused and waited, bouncing with impatience.

The two of them headed into the back garden. It was a grassy lawn, bordered by dozens of hutches. Dora was only half-surprised to see hundreds of rabbitty faces peering through the wire at her.

A five-foot bunny who kept rabbits as pets? Well, there were stranger things, she supposed. Seeing Alexander Rose as Fate’s manservant sprang immediately to mind.

It hopped straight to the nearest cage and pulled out a large, plump rabbit with pale blue fur and sparkling blue eyes.

“This,” it said, proudly, “is Westra. The bunny that lays the chocolate eggs. Perfect for a ten-year-old – and very unique. You have to admit that. Sweetie, she’s just what you need.”

Dora looked at the rabbit thoughtfully. It was hardly a griffon or a baby dragon – but perhaps that was a good thing. She was supposed to stay beneath the sight-line when she was granting wishes, after all.

“She lays chocolate eggs, hmm?”

“Oh yes. It’s a new experiment in Easter supplies. I expect great things of my new ground-breaking bunnies,” said the rabbit, proudly.

“I’ll take it,” said Elladora. “Thankyou.”

“Any time, honeypie.” The rabbit wiggled a rather effeminate goodbye as Elladora swooshed her wand and returned to Sofie’s tree-house.

-----------

The girl was still there and, despite over an hour having gone by, she had still somehow managed to hang onto her sulky expression. That, however, faded to one of bemusement as she saw the large, blue rabbit in Elladora’s arms.

“What’s that?” she demanded.

“A rabbit. It’s yours.” Elladora held it out to Sofie.

The ten-year-old looked at it, dubiously. “That’s my wish?”

“I could take it away again? Just say the word.”

The girl narrowed her eyes as she considered.

“Well, it’s a strange colour, at least,” she conceded, eventually. “I guess it’ll do.”

She held her arms out and took the heavy, fluffy bundle from the fairy-godmother.

“I’ll call it… Angelina,” she announced.

“It’s name is Westra, apparently,” said Elladora.

The pout came back for a brief visit. “I shall call it Angelina.”

Dora sighed. This was obviously going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.

“Just use your third wish if you want anything else,” she said, shortly. “I’m off.”

She waved her wand and vanished. Sofie barely noticed.

-----------

After a brief internal debate, Elladora had decided to get Fate’s visit over and done with. It was too unpleasant a task to leave hanging over her head for the rest of the day.

She reappeared in front of the Palace of Threads and viewed the front door with the loathing of long association. What would be waiting on the other side of it this time? An arsenic bomb? Flying spikes? A giant arm-wrestling gorilla?

Gritting her teeth, she resigned herself to finding out the hard way. She took two steps forward, reached out, tugged the rope and waited to see what happened next.

She barely had to wait at all. The door flew open and there was a flash of light that seared her eyeballs with all the subtlety of a nuclear explosion. Flinging her arms back to ward off an imaginary attack, she took two steps backwards, stumbled on the crazy paving and landed heavily on her well-padded backside.

Spots danced in front of her eyes. She could see nothing other than the glare of a supernova. It came as no surprise, though, when a voice piped out from the direction of the house.

“Ermm… I don’t think I caught your best side. Do you want to try that again?”

“Alexander Rose, if I ever work out how to get up, you are going to get such a hiding…!”

“Oh, sorry Elladora.” She felt a strong pair of hands hoisting her upright again. The vague shadow of a hunchback was beginning to play against the white and yellow flare of her vision. “Didn’t mean to startle you. I’m just trying to capture everyone’s photographs.”

“Photographs?” snarled Elladora, blinking furiously. “Most people don’t have to commit GBH to take a simple snapshot!”

“Oh, you mean the camera?” Alex’s enthusiasm overrode the fairy-godmother’s indignation as if it simply wasn’t there. “Can you believe, Fate was about to throw this out with the rest of the cellar junk? I told her, I said, that’s a perfectly good camera! You could probably get loads of money for it on EBay. It’s antique, but that’ll work in your favour, I said, and it’s in mint condition. Collectors will be falling all over themselves to get hold of it, I’ll put it up for you if that’s what’s worrying you, I said, and eventually I persuaded her. Then I heard about the Employee of the Month competition, and I thought, if I could get the photographs of all Fate’s employees, to put up on the MAFIA noticeboard, then perhaps one of Them would notice what a good job I was doing, and I might even get a promotion out of it. Not that I don’t enjoy being Fate’s handyman, but I just know I’m destined for greater things in Limbo, if I can just… owww! What was that for?”

Elladora had finally got her sight back, and had promptly made the most of it. Alexander cupped his rapidly reddening ear and gave her a wounded look, which she chose to ignore. She strode towards the entrance hall, being careful to hold her arms out before her, in search of any hidden barriers or boobytraps. Thankfully, it seemed that the special-effects department had been given a day off, to make way for the photography-and-small-explosive-devices department. She found her way to Fate’s study with no further incident.

“Miss Chubb,” intoned Fate, as she entered. “Again you force me to take your behaviour in hand.”

“My behaviour?” snorted Dora, “What about your behaviour? How come I’ve got another six names on my list overnight, eh? Are you trying to fix things so I don’t get a holiday, because if you are, you can just forg…”

“Not at all,” Fate interrupted. “I merely assumed that you wanted to be added to the vacation-relief roster.”

“The what?”

“The vacation-relief roster. All the other fairy-godmothers are on it, but seeing as you have never claimed any of your holidays before, I had seen fit to leave you out of the covering duties it entails.”

“You mean… I have some of the other godmothers’ clients on my lists now?” Elladora frowned as she thought it through. “I’m covering their backlogs while they go on vacation?”

“Indeed,” nodded Fate. “They would do the same for you.”

“But you told me I had to get rid of my backlog before I could go on vacation!” she protested. “How come you let the other fairy-godmothers go when they still have duties to fulfil?”

“Perhaps I chose to set your standards a little higher.” Fate bared her teeth in a facsimile of a smile. “After all, any godmother who can win ‘Special Wish of the Year’ and not even bother to accept the prize in person obviously doesn’t feel challenged enough by her current role.”

Elladora suddenly felt like she had missed a step – and it was the one that would have turned her away from the yawning precipice she now faced.

“Special Wish… of the Year,” she repeated, slowly. “I won the S.W.o.t.Y?”

“If you had taken the least bit of interest, you would know that you had,” snapped her boss. “Not that you deserve it, of course. Still, the Powers seem to see things differently. Despite your shameful sneaking away last night, they still want to award your prize to you in person.”

Curiosity got the better of Dora. “What wish did I grant to earn a Swottie?”

Fate glared at her. “An S.W.o.t.Y.” she emphasized, with an edge to her voice, “is a serious award. There is no need to trivialize it with your meagre attempts at wit. Apparently, your efforts with Alexander Rose have, however undeservedly, earned you this honour.”

Alexander Rose! Elladora groaned. Would that boy never cease to cause her trouble.

“You are to attend the MAFIA Club at two o’clock this afternoon,” continued Fate, disapprovingly. “There will be a special presentation ceremony. I hope you appreciate the effort that is being made for you!”

“Do I have to go?” moaned Dora.

Fate considered. “No. I am sure they could award the prize to some other, more deserving candidate.” Then, as the fairy-godmother brightened, she continued. “If you care to visit Them and tell them in person that you will not be attending, I am quite sure they will understand. I believe they’re looking for more Gratitude Gremlins at the moment.”

Elladora’s smile faded. Gratitude Gremlins? Oh no! They were some of the only entities that got a worse time than fairy-godmothers in this poor excuse for a Limbo-world. They had always existed, although they were unrecognised, unthanked and, generally rather unpleasant.

The theory was that, however badly off an individual was, there was always somebody or something worse off than them. Gratitude Gremlins existed to illustrate that point. The jogger on a rainy day, drenched by road-spray from a passing car – in all likelihood, it was a GG, put in place to show the driver that there were worse things than being in a car with three screaming children and a complaining wife. The guy in the Emergency Room – the one with slightly hunched posture, the grimace, and an inability to sit down? Probably a GG, put there to remind people that there were worse things than having a nail through your foot.

“All right, I’ll go,” she muttered, sourly. She looked at her watch and realised that it was lunchtime already. She would have to hurry if she were to keep the two o’clock appointment and fit in a well-earned doughnut (or two). She hurried down the hallway, keeping her wand drawn just in case Alex Rose came within zapping distance of her. He obviously didn’t fancy the other ear being boxed, because she made it out of Fate’s chambers without further incident. Relieved, she transported herself back home with a swish of her wand.

----------

Lunch was already served when she got home. It was well-balanced and healthy food, but Elladora soon put paid to that with a few cream-filled additions. Chuzzle was nowhere to be seen until she was finishing up the last of the bakery selection. He attempted a smile, but it was a poor effort.

Dora eyed him with her usual suspicion. “Up to mischief again, Chuzzle?”

“No, Miss Chubb.” He wrung his wrinkly little hands together.

“Hmm. I’ll find out sooner or later, you know.”

The gnome’s attempt at innocence was neither well-practiced nor well-executed. “I don’t know what yer mean, Miss.”

“Have you invited your friends around again? Is that it?”

“No, I ‘aven’t. Honest, Miss Chubb!”

Elladora considered the gnome’s perspiring and earnest little face. There was definitely something going on, and she definitely ought to get to the bottom of it. Then again, there was the dreaded meringue to get into before two o’clock, and that was going to be enough of a challenge in the time she had left. Chuzzle could wait. She hoped.

“Don’t touch the PlayGnome channel while I’m out,” she grouched, heading upstairs to change.

Eight petticoats, under-vests, corsets and bustles later, she had finally wrenched her ample frame into the dreaded costume. She vowed to herself that, if she was ever in a position to have one of her own wishes granted, she was going to change these nineteenth century travesties for something more modern, with Velcro fasteners, and preferably, elasticated waistbands.

Finally, she put the tiara-of-tackiness on her head and picked up her wand. For badder or worse, it was time to go. She swooshed and vanished.

---------

This time, the MAFIA gates were being guarded by The Wicked Queen.

“Fancy an apple, dearie?” she asked, as Elladora approached. There was no real enthusiasm in it, though. The gesture was half-hearted at best, and the apple looked withered and wrinkly.

“Hello Maleficent. Back on guard duty?”

Dora had the sneaking suspicion that she was running late for her ceremony. Still, she felt an odd sympathy for the hag apple-seller. What role was there for a wicked queen to play in twenty-first century, when Monarchies were all but obsolete and the concept of Evil even more so. In another twenty years or so, the poor woman would probably be out of a job completely. Then a demotion to wicked witch, and finally Bogeywoman or Gratitude Gremlin. Limbo was a cruel world for the more anachronistic entities.

“It was either that or spend hours braiding Rapunzel’s hair again,” said the Queen, gloomily. “That girl needs to find a good conditioner, I’m telling you. Straw hair and split ends - a nightmare to comb out! And the Three Little Pigs have been at my gingerbread cottage again. Took out half the roof and the front door overnight. Oh, I can’t prove it was them. Not this time – but if I ever catch porky little house-eaters in the act, I’ll shove one of these poisoned apples straight up their…”

“Yes, well, I’d better be getting inside,” interrupted Elladora, hurriedly. “Don’t want to be late for the ceremony.”

She made haste through the gates, rustling and crinkling with every step. The glass slippers pinched her feet and she just hoped this award-giving would be brief. She panted as she ran up the steps, through the door and down the corridor. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she pushed open the door to the Party Room and stepped inside.

Whether she was late or not was debatable. Whether she was overdressed was, unfortunately, not. She blushed as she looked around. Fate was in her usual green cloak, not the formal one with ivy-trim. Alexander Rose was accompanying her, but he had foregone the formal hump and dress coats, for his usual grunge metal t-shirt and faded jeans. The Powers… well, they always looked the same - but there was a definite difference in the state of Dora’s attire and that of the other godmothers. They were all sitting around, drinking dainty cocktails and wearing a variety of skirts, blouses, slacks and fleeces. Not, in fact, the whole official regalia! A few of the other entities were hanging around too. Two of the tooth fairies, Father Time (minus his white robes) and Cupid, who wasn’t so much formally dressed, as formally undressed.

She cursed fate, under her breath. Why hadn’t her boss told her that it was casual dress? Oh, she had never mentioned it was an officially-uniformed ceremony either, but she must have known!

Of course she had. Fate was out to get her. The only up-side was that she was out to get Fate too. Whoever said that you couldn’t win against fate had obviously not been as stubborn as Elladora.

She marched in, defiantly, and sat down at one of the tables. There was a chorus of insipid greetings from the fairy-godmothers, who all looked like they would rather be somewhere else. Dora couldn’t blame them. She would, too!

At length, the last couple of stragglers came in and the ceremony began. One of the Powers drifted to the raised dais at the front of the room.

“Workers of Limbo.” It’s mysterious voice shimmered into the minds of those assembled, causing strange thrills to run through them. Elladora couldn’t help thinking, though, that it was more like the opening of a Communist Manifesto than a congratulatory speech.

It continued. “We are gathered together today…” (and now it sounded like a wedding ceremony!) “…to pay tribute to an exemplary employee, with an innovative technique to granting her clients’ wishes. Miss Elladora Chubb, come forward, please.”

Sighing, Elladora stood up and minced her way up onto the stage (those glass slippers were really beginning to rub!).

“Despite being given a very difficult wisher to satisfy, not only did Miss Chubb fulfil the conditions of his wish…” (at this, there was a murmur among the other fairy-godmothers. Granting wishes to a male?), “…but she managed to do it in such a way as to persuade him to apply for a job in Limbo.”

It was with some difficulty that Elladora managed to keep the irritation out of her face, when the crowd burst into spontaneous applause at this point. The shortage of Limbo staff was a well-known problem. It was part of the reason for the long contracts and the difficulty of getting out of any of them.

“It is for this special wish – and in consideration of her recent excellent work in the wish-granting department, that we are awarding Miss Chubb with the S.W.o.t.Y as a mark of our respect, and our hope that she will continue to pursue new heights of achievement in the field of twenty-first century fairy-godmothering.”

From beneath its cloak, the Power brought forth a rather strange object. For a moment, Dora thought it might be a silver fish-slice. Then she realised what it was and groaned to herself. A stirling silver fly-swatter. A swattie! Her only consolation was that Fate looked outraged at the Powers’ acknowledgement of the award’s abbreviation.

“Err… thankyou,” she said, reaching out for the award. “It’s…uhh… very…”

“Furthermore,” continued the icy-hot voice, “we have a special reward for our new high achiever. Miss Chubb, you have won the honour of taking a special training class for the rest of your peers. We wish you to explain your personal techniques for wish-granting and illustrate how they have led you to such positive results.”

“Whuu…?” managed Elladora. She tried again. “Bhhhuu…?”

“Yes. Tomorrow, at the schoolhouse, you are to give a presentation of your techniques. Shall we say, eleven o’clock in the morning? When you choose to end the course is up to you and the…”

The door crashed open. Everyone jumped. Elladora dropped the fly swat and watched it roll off the end of the stage to land with a thunk. Then her eyes travelled across to the door and her piece-of-junk award was promptly forgotten.

A bizarre monster stood framed in the doorway. It had tall, spindly legs with knock-knees, rather reminiscent of a camel. A bushy tail sprouted from the base of its spine and fluffed up to the shoulder blades, partially, but not altogether, masking the huge butterfly wings on either shoulder. Its torso was covered in black fur which seemed immensely well-muscled. The fur on the arms lightened to a smoky grey and cat-claws sprung from the ends of its fingers. Its neck was thin and stalk-like and seemed to belong more to an ostrich than anything else. A pair of twitching rabbit ears, bulbous eyes and an anteater nose were only topped by a forked tongue that seemed to have a life of its own.

“What… is that?” breathed one of the fairy-godmothers, in an otherwise silent hall.

The creature struck a pose. “I,” it announced, proudly, “am BeasssstlyGirl, sssssaviour of Urbanopolisssssville.”

More stunned silence greeted this remark. Then:

“Whothewhatsisville?” remarked the same fairy-godmother again. This seemed to break the silence into a sea of buzzing voices.

Elladora stood frozen on the stage, while the pieces of the puzzle clicked together around her like the bars of a cage. Veronica Crumpet, in all her glory, was underneath that tangle of animal-parts! Here, in front of Dora’s boss, in front of the Powers, in front of everyone who had the power to make her future life hotter than the fires of hell.

The idea of granting wishes badly had been so that she would receive complaints – but they were meant to be complaints in writing, not science-projects-gone-wrong, standing there large as life! This was not only likely to get her sacked, but erased from existence altogether – or altered in a way that would make her wish they had erased her from existence altogether!

How on earth could she explain this wish away? Was there any way she could reverse the effects… make people forget what they had seen… grant the wish in a different and less destructive way…?

It was already hopeless. There was no going back now. She doubted whether there ever had been. At least, though, she could face this on her own terms.

She descended the stage and walked towards the thing that used to be a girl.

“What are you doing here, you silly girl?” she demanded. “Let’s go back to my cottage, I can get you sorted out there.”

She put an arm on Veronica’s enormous bear-shoulder and steered her out of the room, as quickly as she dared. As she was going, the girl protested in an all-too-audible voice.

“I don’t want to be sssssorted out, that’sssss what I came here to tell you,” hissed BeastlyGirl. “I made my sssssecond wisssssh, but you didn’t come, ssssso I thought I’d sssssee if I could make it to Limbo, with my new ssssssuper-powersssss. And now, here I am.”

“I can see that,” said Elladora, hurriedly. “All right then, you’re here now. What’s your second wish?”

“I wisssssh to make my friendssss and family accept my new role in life,” announced the creature. “Urbanopolisssssville needs BeasssstlyGirl to sssssave them from ruin.”

Elladora reigned in her impulse to strangle the girl. She stopped in the corridor and turned to face her. “Urbanopo… Urbanibble… Urbol… what are you talking about?” she growled. “You live in Diddlesfield, my girl!”

The creature lifted its head proudly. Its ears flopped rakishly at each side of its malformed head. “I renamed it. There’ssss no way I’m going to be the Ssssuper-heroine of Diddlessssfield. That would jusssst be sssssilly!”

Dora couldn’t help herself. Despite the fact that her life was caving in around her more rapidly than a seventy-three storey stack of cards in a hurricane, she began to laugh.

“Silly…” she gasped, choking on a combination of hysteria and a sense of the ridiculous. “That… would be… silly… oh my!”

With a great deal of difficulty, she contained her mirth. “You can’t stay like that Miss Crumpet! It’s ridiculous!”

“You granted the wissssh,” hissed Veronica. “Perhapssss you didn’t think it was ssssso ridiculousssss back then? All I want issss to fight crime, like a real sssssuperhero. What’sssss so wrong with that?”

Elladora began to feel worried. She had been so sure that the girl would cancel her wish, preferably complaining to anyone who would listen, about her rotten treatment at the hands of the fairy-godmother. It was in the rules that all wishes had to be granted with a view to staying below the sight-lines of the normal world. This was so far above the sight-lines that slugs would have a hard time missing it!

“But… what about school? You can’t go like that!” she protested, flailing around for methods of persuasion.

“Sssschool? Beassssstly-Girl ssssshall learn at the ssssschool of life,” announced the girl. She was getting more pompous by the second, thought Elladora, grimly.

“What about friends, then?” she asked.

Veronica’s long nose quivered with contempt. “Beastly-Girl needs no friends. She is adored by all of Urbanopolisville.”

Dora debated whether or not to simply cancel the wish without Veronica’s assent. It could be done, of course. If it wasn’t what Veronica wanted, though, how could she impress upon Fate and the Powers that this had been an honest misinterpretation of the wish, rather than the malicious act of sabotage that it actually was? Persuasion was better, but she could see she was getting nowhere fast with that track.

“Well, how about…” She trailed off as the door to the Party Room opened again.

Fate had obviously decided to lend a hand - or at least, make an appearance, along with her manservant and one of the Powers.

“Is anything wrong, Miss Chubb?” asked Fate, her voice silky with delight. Behind the three of them, Elladora could see a huddle of fairy-godmothers and a naked Cupid, fluttering his wings to see over the top of the crowd of gawpers.

“It’s nothing,” said Elladora, quickly.

“Really? You seem to be having some difficulty with one of your wishes. I thought our esteemed colleague,” and here, she gestured towards the shadowy form of the Power, “might like to see our top fairy-godmother in action.”

So this was it, thought Elladora with despair. This was where it all finally fell apart. She looked towards the freakish girl, wondering what to do for the best. Surprisingly, Veronica’s eyes were no longer on Elladora. They were staring straight past her, and clinging to the visage of…

Alexander Rose?

“I don’t believe it,” mouthed Elladora, as Miss Crumpet gave an adolescent sigh and clutched her hands (cat claws and all) in front of her chest in a rather flagrant and dramatic gesture of passion.

It seemed the right moment for one last approach.

“What about boys?” she murmured, quietly, into Miss Crumpet’s long and floppy ear. “Do you really think you’ll get a boyfriend, looking like BeastlyGirl, Miss Crumpet?”

There was a long, agonising pause. Then:

“Change me back,” said the girl, firmly. “Sssssecond wisssssh. Change me back at onccccce.”

Elladora could not stop a smile sneaking onto her face. “Your wish is my command,” she said, waving the Wishmaster 2000 in Veronica’s direction.

A moment later, BeastlyGirl was gone and a lovestruck Crumpet stood in her place. Elladora noticed Alexander Rose looking back with new interest. It failed to interest her, even a little. She was just relieved to have got out of a rather sticky situation.

It was only when she trudged back into the Party Room to retrieve her very horrible fly-swatter, that a cherubic voice sounded in her ear.

“That’s two you owe me now,” grinned Cupid.

-----------

With all the distractions, it was nearly four o’clock by the time that the fairy-godmother got back to her cottage. She discarded the shoes and the uniform with a grateful sigh and stepped into something a little more comfortable (although, by that point, an iron-maiden would, no doubt, have been more comfortable!).

When she got down to her study and saw the silver tea-set and a 3-tier selection of cream-cakes beside it, she instantly knew there was trouble of some sort.

“Chuzzle!”

The gnome appeared almost instantly, as if he had been expecting trouble.

“What have you done, Chuzzle?”

He wrung his gnarled hands together. “’sNot like I meant to, Miss. I ‘ad no idea, y’see. I’ve tried ter fix it, I really ‘ave, it’s just…”

“What,” interrupted Elladora, with grim restraint, “have you broken?”

“I… err… well, it’s the orb, Miss Chubb. It doesn’t seem ter be… I can’t get it ter…”

“Oh, never mind!” snapped the godmother. Ignoring the tea and cakes, she snatched the orb out of its holder and swirled her hands over it in the accustomed patterns. A mist immediately began to form and swirl. It began to clear and Elladora leaned in closer as a picture began to form.

This time, though, it wasn’t a picture. Dora found herself looking at a paragraph of bold, black words. They read:

Apologies for the inconvenience. Your orb credit limit has been over-extended. If you wish to continue viewing from this device, please contact the Limbo Orb Helpline. Thankyou for choosing Limbo Orbs as your scrying-device of choice.

She looked at Chuzzle.

“Orb credit limit?”

“I… err… well, some of the channels’re Pay Per View, y’see, and…”

“You’ve been paying for PlayGnome?” Her voice was rising.

“Ah, well, not payin’, not as such, coz y’see, I only get me wages at the end o’the month an’ I’m a leedle bit short on the ole cash front and I didn’t know that…”

Elladora took a deep breath. So deep, in fact, that the buttons of her blouse threatened to pop.

“So, let me get this straight,” she said, terrifyingly calm. “You’ve been watching gnome pornography. On my orb. And now you expect me to pay for it. Is that right? Have I missed anything?”

“Errr…”

“I’m beginning to think I should have got an outdoor and maintenance gnome!” growled Dora.

“No, Miss! Please don’t gimme the sack, Miss!” Astonishingly, the gnome hurled himself at her feet and started to bawl. “I’ll be good! Honest! Gimme another chance, I’ll never get another job if I’m fired again.”

The fairy-godmother felt her anger turning to embarrassment and, finally, giving way to pity, even as she stashed away the words ‘sacked again’ to confront Fate with, at some later date.

“Oh, get up,” she said, only half-cross now. “I’m not going to sack you. Yet. This is coming directly out of your wages, though, I can promise you that!” She poked the gnome with her toe. “Now, what’s all this about an orb helpdesk?”

“Oh, Miss Chubb. Thankyou. I’ll pay yer back, yer won’t regret it!” He gave her a fervent look of gratitude as he picked up the orb as if it might burn him. “The ‘elpdesk, Miss – it’s one o’the orb functions. Yer just wave yer ‘ands – like this – an’ yer get through ter…”

A swirling mist began to form in the face of the orb. It billowed and thinned out, to reveal a paragraph of rounded writing…

Unfortunately, many of our orb-erators are busy dealing with other clients at the moment. Your communication is important to us and if you would care to hold the orb, we will be sure to deal with you as soon as an orb-erator is free. In the meantime, the following selection may help us to narrow down your problem.

The message faded into mist, only to be replaced by another:

Trace ‘1’ if your Orb has been cracked or dropped. Note: Sledgehammer damage does not come under normal warranty or support agreements.
Trace ‘2’ if your Orb is showing fuzzy or doubled images (see above notice on sledgehammers)
Trace ‘3’ if some or all inscribed runes are failing to work upon command
Trace ‘4’ if your orb has been subject to damage by pixies, gremlins, goblins or gnomes
Trace ‘5’ if your orb has exceeded its credit limit
Trace ‘6’ if you have any other problem

An orb-erator will be with you soon. In the meantime, please enjoy some music.

Some offensively saccharine music began to issue forth from the orb. Elladora tried to ignore it as her hand hovered between tracing a ‘3’, a ‘4’, a ‘5’ or a ‘6’. She had always hated these things. Why couldn’t they just have a simple person, answering a simple enquiry? As far as she was concerned, artificial-intelligence was something that she could get quite enough of in a single visit to Fate’s Palace!

Finally, she hesitantly inscribed a ‘5’, only to get an equally ridiculous set of options appearing on the screen. By the time she had struggled through her sixth screenful of menu options, she was just about ready to get the sledgehammer and settle things once and for all. Just then, the orb brightened, and a drab face came into view.

“Hello, my name is Assistant Number 6121, how can I help you?”

“I’m having a problem with my orb,” said Elladora.

Assistant 6121 raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

Great! A sarcastic orb-erator. Just what she needed.

“Yes. Really,” she said, sharply. “I tried to use the orb this morning and it said something about my credit limit being exceeded.”

“Hmm. Just let me take a look.” His face creased into a frown as he concentrated on something that Dora couldn’t see. Then a strange quirk lifted the corners of his mouth. “You’ve been overdoing it on the PlayGnome channel, Miss Chubb.”

“It wasn’t me!” Elladora protested, her face lighting up in indignation. “My housegnome has been messing around with my new orb, and I didn’t know it was Pay Per View and…”

She stopped as she realised that the orb-erator’s smirk was not going away. It was, if anything, widening into a grin. Flushing, she wondered how often Assistant 6121 had heard people say the exact same thing to him.

“Oh, forget it,” she snapped. “Just tell me how much I owe.”

A dark look at Chuzzle promised that this outrage would not soon be forgotten…

----------

An hour and a half (and 4 cream cakes) later, Dora finally had her orb back under her own control again. She decided to test it out by taking a peek at her latest client.

How was Sofie Mackland enjoying her new magical rabbit? Would it make her happy, or would it turn out like so many of Elladora’s other ‘good’ wishes?

There was only one way to find out. Her hands curled over the orb as she tuned it into the Mackland household…

-----------

Sofie smiled fondly at her new pet.

“Angelina,” she murmured.

As expected, her family had been envious, and more than a little curious. They had wanted to know where the large, sky-blue bunny had come from. In some cases, they had wanted to know where they could get one from, too. Sofie wasn’t telling. This was hers alone, it was unique and nobody was going to be able to take it away from her.

She watched it bounce around on the lawn for a while. Then she decided to go inside and see if she could pilfer a carrot or a lettuce-leaf to feed to it. She came back with some scraps of diced turnip, only to stop and stare in amazement.

Angelina was hopping towards her from the far end of the garden. Lying where it had been, just moments before, were six foil-wrapped ovals. Sofie squinted, then started to walk towards them. They looked like…

Easter eggs? Puzzled, she unwrapped one and examined the shell of chocolate underneath. She cautiously broke off a lump and tested it with her tongue. Yes. They were. Six easter eggs, lying in the middle of her lawn. She turned, to see the sparkling blue eyes of Angelina, gazing knowingly at her.

The ten-year-old’s face lit up, triumphantly. A rabbit that gave out easter eggs. The fairy-godmother hadn’t ripped her off after all! Nobody else could possibly claim to have a chocolate bunny of their own. Not in her family, not in the whole world!

She may have to put up with the old clothes and having to follow in the footsteps of her brothers and sisters, but they would have to put up with her having all the chocolate she could ever eat, and a cool pet to show off, besides! Maybe she would even share with them. Give them the leftovers – the bits she couldn’t manage to finish.

She smiled as she thought uncharitable thoughts and sat in the garden, eating chocolate.

Four eggs later, she had gorged enough. She took the two remaining eggs into the treehouse and hid them in a dusty corner, where the others wouldn’t find and eat them. Shortly afterwards, she was called in for lunch.

After picking at her meal and excusing herself as swiftly as possible, Sofie raced out into the garden again. Soon, she would have to do her homework, but for now, it was time to play with Angelina again. She grinned broadly as she saw another five eggs by the sweet-peas. More for her secret stores!

Throwing another carrot in Angelina’s direction, she swiftly gathered up the Easter eggs and climbed the rungs into the treehouse again. A strange sight met her eyes.

The two stored eggs were gone. Two rabbits were snuffling around the wood-boards – one with blossom-pink fur and the other in pale green. They looked at her with their strangely intelligent eyes and snuffled.

Two eggs, two rabbits. It was simple enough to work out. Sofie stood frozen on the top rung of the treehouse ladder while her thoughts whizzed furiously. The eggs she had eaten had been chocolate eggs – but the ones she had left had turned into bunnies? Now there were three of them, and they were no longer unique.

That could be a problem. If she told her family or her friends about… about Brad and… Orlando… then they could be taken away and given to someone else. She couldn’t let that happen! They were her unique pets and she wasn’t about to share them with anyone!

Easy, then. She would just have to eat the eggs before they got a chance to hatch. She could find a way to keep the rabbits a secret, at least for now, and all that chocolate would be great!

Funny, though. It didn’t taste quite as nice by the time she reached her sixth egg…

-----------

Elladora only realised that she had fallen asleep when the rattle of a silver tray startled her awake again. The orb was clasped in her hands and Chuzzle was halfway out of the door with the remainder of the tea and cream cakes.

“Sorry, yer godmotherness,” he half-whispered.

She yawned and rubbed her eyes. It had been a very long and very eventful day. Weren’t they all, recently?

“I’d better get an early night,” she said, standing up and hearing her bones creak.

“Fancy some cocoa, Miss?” asked the gnome, smiling an ingratiating smile.

She shook her head and took a deep breath. “No. Just some sleep. And tomorrow, my dear gnome, we are going to discuss your problem. Good night.”

Chuzzle’s worried eyes followed her as she made her way to bed.

-------------

In the morning, she awoke and went down for breakfast. Croissant and coffee. Chuzzle was making himself scarce, but that was to be expected, thought Elladora. She quickly finished her repast and went to examine the notebook again.

Carly Morris. Thirteen. First wish. The fairy-godmother shook her head, perplexed. She had been given no information on any of the new names. Probably Fate’s way of making her pay for all of her recent exploits.

Well, she would just have to take it as it came. She would get that holiday if it killed her – and everyone else around her, for that matter!

She swished and flicked and vanished.

------------

She landed in a dark and slightly smelly bedroom. It was dark because the curtains were still drawn and it was smelly because it looked like nobody had done a decent bit of housework here for months. Then again, perhaps that was something to do with the giant poster on one of the walls that read:

Touch my stuff and die, die, die!

Half-eaten food lay on the floor and on every surface, scattered throughout with clothes that virtually stood up and walked around on its own. The only light shone from the television screen, which currently showed a digitally created (and implausibly large-breasted) woman, swinging her way across a computer-screen on a series of chandeliers. Her actions were dominated by a manic-eyed girl sitting at a computer and twitching her fingers across a joypad.

“Good morning,” said Elladora, clearing her throat. “I’m…”

“Shhh!”

The computer-animated woman landed on a ledge, drew some pistols and began firing them at some creature who was, no doubt, on the endangered species list. It roared and ran around in a circle, with computer-enhanced stupidity. Never once did it seem to consider biting the computer-heroine’s gun-wielding hand from her wrist.

Elladora sighed. “Look – you made a wish. I’m just here to…”

The girl gave an irritated jerk of her head. “In a minute.”

“Carly! Time for school! Are you ready?” Another voice called from downstairs.

Carly raised her voice. “In a minute! Don’t nag!”

By now, the far-more-endangered species lay bleeding at the computer heroine’s feet. Instead of stopping, the girl at the computer promptly turned the large-breasted heroine and began a series of jump-cling-pull up manoeuvres to traverse a series of nearby pit-traps.

Elladora had finally had enough. She reached over and turned off the computer screen.

Carly shot out of her chair. “That’s it, scumball! You die!”

She then proceeded to act out a series of highly ridiculous fake-karate moves on Elladora (who remained entirely unimpressed). Finally, the situation seemed to sink into the girl’s skull and she came to a gradual stop.

“Here – who are you?” she protested.

“As I’ve been trying to tell you,” snapped Elladora, “I’m your fairy-godmother.”

The usual annoyance ensued, complete with denial, reassertion, disbelief, repetition, cynicism and final proof. It was mind-numbingly tedious, but five minutes later, she was, at last, ready to believe.

“Is this the bit where I get to make a wish, then?” she asked, eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Yes. It is.”

“Great! Then I wish… to have an adventure. The more exciting, the better.”

She gave a decisive nod.

Another kindergarten-IQ first wish. Elladora wondered what she could do with this one…

[Smee]

Excellent Chapter in your new digs :D

I'll be back with ideas laters...but

How about Jurassic Park? Being hunted by velociraptor's should petrify just about anyone.

Happy Writing :)

[LordoftheNight]

Ooo, yes. Nice one Shady.

And nice Jurassic Park idea as well Smee.

How about being on a Titanic or something along those lines?

[Solomon Birch]

Quote: The era of Pollyanna was well and truly over!

Possibly one of the funniest lines I have ever come across! Great chapter again your Stoatliness! And nice to be in a spangly new forum for it all too! :biggrin:

And onto the decision... if she likes Tomb Raider, then Lara Croft her up and send her on a tomb-raiding adventure! With big, triangle breasts and pixelated pistols that, unfortunately, don't work in real life! Put a few (serious) scares in her and she will come crying for a wish change! :D

And Dora really needs to sort Chuzzle out; I think we should sit him down and have one of those awkward parent-teenager talks about the wrongs of Gnome pornography and how the participants in those filthy...:-o... yeah, sorry.... I've gone and revealed a little too much info... damnit! :?

*holds breath* :shock:

[DukeReg]

Ooh ooh! Take her to one of the more interesting training courses for some of the beings that work in limbo!
I bet somewhere there is something Tomb-Raider-esque that she could be put in. Just don't let Fate know if possible, and if something goes horribly wrong, she can say she was trying to recruit more people to limbo.

Besides, an adventure in the real world wouldn't be very low profile I'm sure, unless it was something lame like tickets to an "african safari adventure - at your local zoo!".

[Chinaren]

Hahaha! Another excellent episode Stoat.

Loved...

Quote: orb-erator

I think you have a slight problem though, as the story goes on, you are going to have more and more wishes, history and plotlines to incorporate into each chapter, and they will get longer and longer and more complicated as time goes by! Good for us readers, but harder for you! ;)

Anyhooo, I really like Smee's Jurassic Park idea. That way she will soon be asking for another wish getting her out of it. (Or will she?)

Happy breath holding. :?

[Chinaren]

Just seen the forum pic as well! Nice one Stoat! :D

[Idea master]

I present unto you, your Stoatliness, the idea that no other has yet had...
Bring her here. Yes, here as in IF. Put her in one of the finished storygames and make her run the course of 'adventure.'
If possible, put her in Sorrow's Skaldin story...
But bring her out before her brains get ripped out by mind flayers. That'd kinda be bad. Make her get noticed and fired prematurly.
And I must congratulate you, O twisted stoat. You do good (And very very twisty) work here.

[Kalanna Rai]

I like Idea Master's comment but I'd also like to add that you could always kidnap her parents and have the FBI turn her into an X-Files agent so that she could go save them from some unimaginable horror...eternal existence in the Playgnome channel perhaps?

[Shady Stoat]

chinaren wrote:
I think you have a slight problem though, as the story goes on, you are going to have more and more wishes, history and plotlines to incorporate into each chapter, and they will get longer and longer and more complicated as time goes by! Good for us readers, but harder for you! ;)

It's already happening. I can't leave out Alexander Rose or Chuzzle. People would pout. It can only get worse from this point on! :shock:

Don't worry, though. When the chapters get to 10,000 words, I'll split them into 2-parters. Might be just as difficult for me, but I'll try and make it easier on the poor readers :D

Thanks all, for the suggestions (and the ego-boosting comments) you've given so far. Keep 'em coming...

[Solomon Birch]

Shady Stoat wrote: Thanks all, for the suggestions (and the ego-boosting comments) you've given so far. Keep 'em coming...

*grin* Alrighty....

*does the NEW IMPROVED Shady Stoat Super-Upbeat Downtown, across-town, high-tailin', high-rolling unbeleivably hip, hop wonderfully uber-cool CRAZY SNOUT DANCE

Yay! Go Shady *dance dance dance* ;) :D :biggrin: :P

[Kalanna Rai]

Yes dance Stoat.*steals the Wishmaster 2000 for a moment to give Stoat two pink butterfly wings* Now dive bomb your adoring fans! ;) :D :P

[Ingrothechundyer]

Could she be given the job of a GG? They sure have a lot of adventures ;)

[D-Lotus]

lol, I like that one.

Hey Stoat, well done.

Keep up the new characters and other cool things. Also, don't worry about time...you have 1 month for the chapter. And congrats on being the first person to win the SgoTM!

[ethereal_fauna]

This girl has in mind one of her video game adventures...where she sits comfortably in her trashy room and gets thumb cramps, but she wants it to be more exciting, more real.

What's more adventurous than going back in time, and becoming a part of one of history's true-life explorations? Make her a part of the Donner-Reed party: exploration, untamed lands, wild animals, inclement weather, adversity, hunger...cannibalism...

[D-Lotus]

I still like the idea of a GG.

[ethereal_fauna]

A GG involved in any of these adventures would be a riot. The GG at Jurassic Park, the GG of the Donner-Reed party...

[LordoftheNight]

By GG we are referring to Gratitude Gremlin right? Otherwise I'm lost...

[ethereal_fauna]

Yep, the Gratitude Gremlin. That guy that makes everyone realize just how much worse things could be.

[LordoftheNight]

Thought so - just checking.

[jess1561]

:shock: I Loved this story... got caught up last night and this morning... :D I'm going for something along the lines of the movie "The Mummy" :D... Egyptian culture is fascinating!

[Sorrow_A]

Put her in a Jackie Chan movie so she can get whooped by the real martial artists. Preferably make her one of the "bad guys".

Or, make her a Bond girl. Preferably one who dies after being shown as a traitor.

Those are the only things I can think of...for now.

[Stubby]

Wow.

that is one loooong (but very good) story! Love it!

I think we have an opportunity here to solve two problems at once.

You could send her off on a wonderful adventure by casting her in the role of a wise old wizard. To keep her company (and to keep them out of trouble and away from orby temptation) you have a ready-made party of bold intrepid adventurers. Chuzzle, obviously, and you could also send Bobbin and Dobbin. Fuzzle and Nuzzle. Skippy, Chippy, Grippy, Greeny and Beany. Tally, Trumpy and Tubbs and… Roger, son of Roderick son of Rupert, king under the Mountain. All the guests at the Unexpected Party.

They could travel...

Far over the foggy foothills cold
To cellars deep and caves quite old
They must away err... quite early
To seek the playgnome's wonderous orbs.

Of course, there are a few possible reasons why she might not want to do this.

1) Chuzzle could end up becoming a common thief
2) He could end up coincidentally finding a ring of power
3) If they bungle it, there could be one very angry dragon around soon

Keep it up Shady! Great story!

[Kalanna Rai]

*lands in a flash of smoke and fire* Somebody needs angery dragon? You know if you really want to give her an adventure you could stick her in my cave, have her call me a guy, and watch what happens when I chase her to the ends of the earth...or not that gets boring after a while and I'd just sort of go away without her being able to slay me or anything...not that she could in the first place...

[Shady Stoat]

Poll goes up tomorrow. If you have any ideas, get them in soon :)

[Blaze_]

This story is dam funny!

[Shady Stoat]

Poll's up. I hope I got all the options. The GGs I left out, because Carly asked for 'an adventure - the more exciting, the better', and while GGs have a lot of adventures, many of them are of the dull and mundane kind. It wouldn't quite be sticking to the letter of the wish, I'm afraid.

However, if the opportunity arises, I might be able to include that one in one of the other adventures. We'll just have to see :)

3 days to vote. 9 options. Pick well *covers eyes...*

[Solomon Birch]

Voted. Slobbering while waiting for the next chapter... :D

*holds breath* :shock: ©

[LordoftheNight]

Had to go for Jurassic Park

Voted, and Winning

[Suneila]

I went with "tomb raider for real" because she's so into video games.

~sunny

[Kalanna Rai]

Had to tie it didn't you Sunny...

[Suneila]

always do...

[Random]

As I start playing catch up here I would just like to say, this is one really great story! Excellent job Shady!

I voted for the Jurassic Park adventure but I really liked the idea of incorporating her into IF stories. That could really have been an interesting ride! :)

Once again, great job Shady!

[Shady Stoat]

Thanks Random. Wooo! 14 votes. That HAS to be my personal best :D

*parties like its 1999* ;)

[Smee]

A Mr Dan started reading last night too - he most likely won't vote, but he's there in Welsh Spirit. :D

Well done on the new record :clap:

[Shady Stoat]

OK, the dinosaurs may well be getting an extra meal in chapter nine.

It'll be a few days. These chapters are loooooong! :D

[Solomon Birch]

*grins* No hurry, we shall all be hear, wating with baited breath. :D

At least, the rest of you lot will, I'll be holding my breath! :biggrin:

*holds breath* :) :shock: ©

[Mother Goose]

Soily, those of us who are waiting with bated breath are also holding our breath.

[Solomon Birch]

Not as much as me! I just wanted to make a distinction! ;) :D

[Kalanna Rai]

Ah dinosaurs! Yes I remember them vaguely...they were tough, crunchy, and none too bright...