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Ravenwing



Joined: 18 May 2004
Posts: 3750
Location: Virginia

Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 10:48 pm    Post subject: Glassbreaker  

A new story finally is up by yours truly. :cool: It was a plot bunny that kept popping out of its rabbit hole. I tried to add some humor into it, but I must admit I am horrible at writing such things. Being sarcastic and cynical seems to be my only window to being humorous.

Chapter 1

“Seems like a murder, Caroline,” a burly man commented to his partner as he chewed on the tobacco in his mouth.

He was dressed simply in jeans and a polo shirt with a leather bomber jacket as added warmth to the brisk November weather.
In contrast to the man standing, the red-haired woman he addressed was kneeling on the ground, dressed in a turquoise blouse and gray slacks. The woman got to her feet, and calmly pretended to brush off the supposed bits of dust that had gathered on the shirt.

“That may be, Dan, but we need a motive,” Caroline replied as she lifted the bright yellow warning tape that surrounded their only piece of evidence that lay next to the outline figure. “But broken pieces of glass don’t tell much.”

She accepted the notebook Dan handed her, and quickly opened it to a fresh page. Plucking the pen that had been nestled behind her ear, she quickly jotted down some observations of the crime scene.

“We will have to wait for the coroner’s report, but it may be that our victim was hit on the head with something made of glass. A bottle, perhaps? A picture frame? The possibilities are a great too many.” Caroline finished her furious scribbling and shut the notebook with a loud snap. “Best start looking a bit more around this place,” she observed as she looked about the magnificent dance hall with its high ceilings, and mirrored walls.

As they headed for one of the doors off to the side of the dance floor, a shrill voice could be heard demanding to know what was going on from one of the police officers in the reception area.

“I am the owner of this establishment, so it is within my right to know what is going on,” a petite, gray-haired woman angrily stormed as she stomped into the main dance hall with a blustering officer following behind her. The woman wore a neon pink leotard, and her hair was in a tight bun.

“That is a pretty hot costume,” whispered Dan to his partner as he watched the woman continue her rant to the frustrated officer.

“It is, if you have an appeal for someone, who dresses in 80s-like clothing,” retorted Caroline. “Then again, she looks to match the age for someone from that decade, so maybe I should not be surprised by your attention to her. I best go save Williams or else he will be deaf for the rest of his life.”

“Hey, I think hot pink is cool!” Dan yelled back to Caroline, who was already walking away from him. She just waved her hand, never turning back to see if he followed.

Caroline reached the middle of the dance hall, where the pair had stopped. The bizarrely dressed woman was still going on about her right as the owner to know everything going on her company, even though it was mostly funded by her deceased husband -Sweet George’s- money. Caroline allowed the woman to go until it became noticeable that she had begun to repeat her rant for another round.

Another reason for her interruption was that Dan, who had caught up to her, had been mumbling about how “hell would have to freeze over before the damn woman stopped talking.”
The police officer that had followed the woman into the room glanced over at Caroline, and gave her an exasperated look. In turn, Caroline gave him an encouraging smile, and nodded to him.

The woman speaking noticing that she no longer had an attentive audience, turned to glare at Caroline.
“I hope you aren’t a potential student. You have an awful figure for a dancer,” she sniffed contemptuously. ”Stand up straight, chin up. Keep those shoulders down.”

Caroline forced a smile in the response to the snide mark about her figure. She would have liked to slap the woman across the face, but duty took priority over personal feelings.

“I thank you for the compliment, Miss…? Perhaps you can give me your name, and then maybe I will contact you later about those dance lessons. I always wanted to learn how to tango. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to make my partners collapse to floor along with me when it comes to the bending over the arm movement.” Caroline smiled when she saw the woman’s face turn a light pink in response to the self-reproof.

“Please, excuse my partner’s manners, Ms. Roxy,” Dan cut in smoothly. He gave Caroline a stern look, but the severity in it was broken when his mouth turned upwards in a smile. “I am Detective Howard, and this most obliging woman is Detective Osherow. I believe we talked on the phone earlier this week about similar events like this one happening in the past few months.”

The woman, whom Dan had addressed as Ms. Roxy, looked eyed the two detectives warily. “I remember talking to you, that is all, Detective. Since the first murder only a few months ago, many a place has had some sort of strange incidents involving broken glass being next to the victim.”

Dan nodded in understanding. Once the woman had started talking, Caroline already had her notebook out, and was talking notes. As the woman continued, she observed Ms. Roxy. Sweat ran down her forehead, and the woman quickly wiped it away, never interrupting her dialogue. Her speech pattern was a bit faulty, but her point got across soon enough.

“Let me understand this. You said here that you were not in this place between last night when the last class ended at 11 PM, and 8 this morning. Who then could have entered here between those times? Are there classes before 8 that you do not attend to?” Caroline asked carefully as she looked down at the petite woman.

The woman’s alibi was that she had taken the week off, and had just recently returned. When question about how she knew of the murders going around town, she admitted to having kept in touch with friends while on her vacation.

“No one is supposed to enter this place after it is locked,” Ms. Roxy answered shortly. “I carry around one key, and I keep a spare in the flowerpot outside the front. The other teachers that use this facility, Señor Malaqués and Madam Dempsey, keep to their own schedules, which I do not know of. You will have to talk with each of them yourselves as to get their whereabouts.”

The theme song for Pinky and the Brain suddenly broke the solemn air around the group. Caroline blushed a bright red and quickly moved away from the conversation with a muttered apology, and brought her tiny cell phone close to her ear.

“Do you have their contact information on hand that we may use to reach them?” Dan asked, ignoring his partner’s garbled talk to whomever was on the other end.

“I believe there are business cards in the front lobby that has that kind of information. If we are done speaking, I must call my students scheduled for today, and tell them that our class has been cancelled,” and with that, she headed off into one of the alcoves of the hall, her toes always pointed out when her leg was in the straightened position.

“Reminds me of how an ostrich would move if it moved on its toes constantly,” Dan commented with a grin as he watched the woman leave. “So who called you thus allowing us all the pleasure of hearing the cute Pinky and the Brain theme song once again after nearly a decade?”

Caroline gave Dan a frown as she shut her phone with a loud clap. “It was the coroner. He found something interesting that was not been seen in the bodies of the previous victims. Something to do with the choice of weapon. Did your hot pink lady give you any more information?”

“No more than usual,” Dan answered. “Told me to go find the information for the other dance instructors myself. And from the direction she headed, there may be other rooms in this place.”

Caroline glanced around the room carefully. It just seemed like a giant rectangle filled with mirrors, yet this place seemed to say much more. She glanced at the chalk outline of the body laid out on the ground. “Dan, our victim was a sixteen-year old girl. The youngest one so far in these series of what, I guess, we must call murders. I don’t think we can just call these cases homicides anymore.”

Dan’s laughing manner changed to one of disbelief as he took in the information. “You mean to tell me that there is someone out there killing people with a motive? They all looked like accidents from all the earlier calls we have received.”

Caroline eyed Dan seriously. “That is exactly what I am talking about. We just need to find the connection between them all. There is a someone hanging around this place putting cracks in people’s lives.”

A/N:Well? What do you think should be done? The choice is yours, dear readers. Choose wisely, for there may be another victim soon enough that will have found their life lines clipped.

Other comments are welcome...as long as they are constructive and do not criticize other comments from others.

Clues

-glass found on dance floor
-Ms. Roxy: ownder of dance hall where glass was found
-other cases have similar evidence: glass next to victim
-dance hall closed between 11PM-8AM (according to Ms. Roxy)
-spare key outside dance hall entrance
-choice of weapon different for this case unlike others
-victim was a 16 year old girl
-case no longer a homicide
-earlier cases look like accidents

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Shady Stoat



Joined: 02 Oct 2005
Posts: 2950
Location: England

Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 11:52 pm    Post subject:  

Good start, Rave. I've always liked mysteries. Never any good at 'em though ;)

I think the basic police work has been done, yeah? Forensics, pathology, all that stuff?

We need more information. There's the possibility of going back and studying the combined cases for similarities, patterns, geography, methodology etc.

Or we could examine this building for any way that the murderer could have got in, any signs of the murder weapon etc.

Told you I was no good at mysteries :D
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 4:11 am    Post subject:  

Excellent descriptions!

But I was just wondering what's the difference between murder and homicide? I always thought they were the same.

And what's wrong with Pinky and the Brain. I used to love that show. Brain brain brain brain...zoink.
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LordoftheNight



Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 5276
Location: Hell

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:52 am    Post subject:  

I think it becomes a murder when it's been confirmed, and is a homicide when it's only a suspected murder.

Though I could be wrong.
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Mother Goose



Joined: 09 May 2004
Posts: 511
Location: Connecticut

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 11:12 am    Post subject:  

Maybe homicide is any killing, including accidents (like "negligent homicide") or self-defense, and murder is deliberate.

Nice beginning, Rave. I like mysteries, too.

Some things seem pretty obvious. If the key is in a flowerpot outside the front door, anybody could have got in, no problem there. Also it doesn't seem possible for it to be an accident, unless the blow on the head that killed her was from a big glass chandelier which is lying smashed on the floor (with a hole in the ceiling above) - but you don't say that, so I assume that's not it.

We need to know a little more about the victim, though. Was she a student at the studio? Why would she be there in the night? And were all the other victims related in any way? All teenage girls, for example? Why were these other deaths accepted as accidents, if they were? We don't have much to go on yet.

Keep it coming!
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Solomon Birch



Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 1562
Location: England..... but Japan beckons.....

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:43 pm    Post subject:  

Murder; The unlawful killing of one human by another, especially with premeditated malice
Homicide; The killing of one person by another

Anyway's, great start there. Can't think of anything right now, so I shall return if anything comes to mind. :D
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Araex
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Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:06 pm    Post subject:  

I've decided to comment as I go along so as to not miss stuff out. Be warned...

"Being sarcastic and cynical seems to be my only window to being humorous."

Sounds good enough for me :D

"“That may be, Dan, be we need a motive,” " but?

"“It is, if you have an appeal for someone, who dresses in clothing from the 80s,”"

This seems a bit slow and cumbersome for a retort... too many words and commas.

"her deceased husband -Sweet George’s- money"

:D Lovely interjection.

"Pinky and the Brain" :D

Hmmm... many good bits.

For the decision... (what does A/N mean?) Have we got an ident on the vic yet?

Two things:

1] We should look around for who knows where the key is kept, asking the other teachers the same question.

et

2] We should try and find any similiarities between the victims: bars/nightclubs attended, nearby residences, friends, clubs (art/dance/drama/whatever).

Am I right in thinking all the murder scenes have had glass? We should try and match the glass together or something.

Anyhoo... nice opening. Looking forwards to more.
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 8:00 pm    Post subject:  

*wallows in the comments* Thanks everyone. I have always loved mysteries, but have never written one. Glad to see the positive responses.

Muaddib, Solie here answered your question about murders and homicides. I had to use a dictionary to make sure I was using the correct terms.

Many people seem to be questioning about the purpose of the glass. When Caroline was listing off things made of glass, she was offering ideas for what may be potential weapons. The thing is the glass could be just a calling card for the murderer. That will be answered later.

As for information about the girl, and the previous murder sites, information will have to be obtained from HQ. And yes, Shady, it can be said that most of the police work has been done. Caroline and Dan just need to hear back about what was found out from the evidence. Already through the coroner, there is something suspicious about this case.

Quote: "“It is, if you have an appeal for someone, who dresses in clothing from the 80s,”"

This seems a bit slow and cumbersome for a retort... too many words and commas.


Too many commas, you say. I put them in there as pauses. I will do some rewording.

So many questions. I like that. Means I have opened the story well with what I have given. I will tell you all this. Each question will be answered. As to when and how soon, well, that depends on where we move to next. I offered some suggestions in this chapter. I will add a poll up in a few days. Definitely before the weekend, since I will be away for a funeral.
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Muaddib
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Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 8:46 pm    Post subject:  

Thanks Soiled One, it cleared up a few things.

I think negligent homicide is manslaughter.
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Ravenwing
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Joined: 18 May 2004
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Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 1:18 pm    Post subject:  

Okay, poll is up! I have given you a limit of 5 days. Hopefully by then I shall be able to check on the decision, and then write the chapter out soon enough.

Most of the suggestions have the pair going back to the station, so don't worry if it isn't stated. But also I left the choices pretty open because there are more ways than one to find out information.

If I have forgotten a choice, tell me, and I will add it the list.
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Solomon Birch
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Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 1:27 pm    Post subject:  

Voted for finding connections. :biggrin:
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LordoftheNight
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Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 4:01 pm    Post subject:  

Voted, and winning.
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Muaddib
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Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:35 pm    Post subject:  

I voted for checking the building for clues. Seems much better than just going back and forth haphazardly.
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Ravenwing
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Joined: 18 May 2004
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Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 10:45 am    Post subject:  

Hmm. The vote looks to be leaning toward looking for connections between similar murder cases.

I will check the poll again later tonight. And if that is still the leading choice I will start writing the second chapter. Therefore the chapter will be up either Sunday or Monday. :cool:
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Araex
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Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 10:45 am    Post subject:  

I said explore - first things first.
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 11:00 am    Post subject:  

Okay. Maybe I will wait the full five days...I am just eager to write this next chapter. Nah, I will write the chapter tomorrow based on the poll tonight.

Sorry for cutting the poll short, people. Votes in tonight. :cool:
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Mother Goose
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Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 1:20 pm    Post subject:  

Right, Araex. Other info can wait - evidence can disappear or be muddled if you don't get to it soon.
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 7:43 pm    Post subject:  

Okay, I am closing this poll. All votes cast after 7:41 PST, or 10:41 EST (that is what my computer says) are void. Look for the next chapter either Sunday or Monday. :cool:
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 8:27 am    Post subject:  

Here is Chapter 2. Internet was not working is my excuse as to why this chapter was not up yesterday. I should just warn you all beforehand that any mockery in this story is just that. ;)
Chapter 2
“You know maybe in a few years we will find something,” Dan mused as he leaned back in his chair.

Another cigarette was stuck between his teeth as he longingly looked through the blinds at the grey sky outside. He felt claustrophobic cooped behind his desk looking through pages of old case files. Dan would have rather been out in the field with the other officers looking for clues around the Roxy dance studio, but he caved in after Caroline gave him a stern lecture that not all police work meant time on the field.

The newspaper from a few days ago was somewhere buried in the piles of folders covering his desk and Caroline’s reporting on the young girl’s murder. As a joke, the writer of the article offered the hint that maybe the police force should try piecing together all the broken glass found at all the murder sites, and then their culprit would be found. Dan had to restrain Caroline from storming toward the newspaper’s office only several blocks down the street. Dan’s face broke into a grin at the memory. Personally, he found the writer’s humor quite amusing. He knew the young writer only meant to help in some way.

Actually any help would be most useful now, Dan thought letting his face fall. He glared at the pile in front of him. Since their investigation at the studio only a few days earlier, very few clues had come up. The plastic bags protecting both the glass pieces, and several bobby pins, found inside the victim’s cubby in the studio, from contamination sat on the chair in the far corner untouched by either detective.

“Hand me the glass pieces,” Caroline ordered, breaking the silence. She didn’t even look up from what she was looking at when a bewildered Dan gently placed the bag holding the glass next to her elbow.

“What do you need the glass for?” Dan asked as he looked over her shoulder. In front of her, Caroline had placed pictures of earlier victims in chronological order. Each picture showed the victim with the several pieces of glass lying next to their prone body.

“Sorry to burst your moment of Eureka! before it happens, but we already know that glass was next to each victim,” Dan spoke with exasperation. “Are you sure the coffee is keeping you awake?” He eyed the stack of Styrofoam cups sitting perilously at the edge of the woman’s desk.

Unlike him, who was a grouch in the morning, Caroline had been at her desk every morning, a cup of coffee in hand as she shifted through the pile, which only grew as they dug up more files with similar cases in other neighboring towns. “Are you a superstitious person?” Caroline asked calmly, ignoring his pointed questions.

Dan looked up from the pictures. “What does that have to do with anything about this case? Don’t tell me you think this has something to do with the paranormal.”

Caroline gave Dan a quelling look as she stretched her arms behind her head. The sweater together with the corduroy pants made her appearance too sophisticated for weekend work session made up of reading old files. The knit sweater she wore lifted a bit to reveal the black Glock 17 resting nicely in its holster at her waist. Like her, Dan carried the same make of gun, but perhaps not with as much seriousness in mind. He glanced at the desk drawer where his own Glock 17 lay, ready for action when he did go out into the field. The tapping of long nails on worn wood reminded him of what kind of person his partner was. To him, she would always be the same difficult to understand Caroline.

Dan lifted his hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay. I will admit to you I am superstitious. Although, I thought you already knew that.” He gave Caroline a grin in hopes it would break her stern expression. “You have seen me. I never walk under ladders, and I avoid black cats as much as possible,” he continued in a matter-of-fact manner. For a moment, he thought he saw her eyes crinkle in the corners, but it faded quickly.

Dan reached over her for a file that was resting precariously on top of the pile. “How does my superstitious beliefs fit into this broken glass case?” Dan asked as he moved the file he saved to another smaller stack. He then pushed some of the other folders into a bigger mess to clear some space on the desk, so he could sit and face Caroline without having to look over the mountain between their desks. “Nothing whatsoever. Just needed some conversation.”

Dan saw Caroline frown at his actions. He glanced over at what he had done, and had to hold his stomach in case he burst out laughing. The mountain that had been there earlier had collapsed and had sent folders scattering all over the floor.

"Will you stop your childish antics?” Caroline snapped. “Damn, I forgot how cheeky you get when you haven’t spoken in a while.” Dan forced what he hoped was his best repentant look, and bowed his head in obedience.

Abruptly, Caroline stood up, her hands clasped behind her back, and started pacing the small office, delicately avoiding the fallen folders. At the same time, she tried ignoring Dan, who had began to fan himself with one of the folders in a big wave motion thus sending loose papers flying off her desk. “Each victim has met the same fate in all those pictures, except our most recent one,” she began. “Unlike the others, who died from unexplainable accidents, according to the coroner, our most recent victim died from a deliberate blow to the head thus causing some internal bleeding around the brain. If we are to assume that this is the work of the same person then that would mean that their game plan changed somewhere between their last murder and this past one.”

“But we haven’t found that difference,” Dan interrupted. He stopped waving the folder and instead pointed it at Caroline. “Why, the difference could be that the murderer decided to focus on girls that had hair an inch shorter than the last one!”

Caroline paused for a moment at Dan’s wayward comment. “Dan, you could be a genius!” Dan stared at her for a moment. There must have been something in her coffee this morning, he thought.
“There may be no connection, this could be just the work of a copycat.”

Dan watched as she grabbed the pencil from behind her ear, nearly stabbing herself in the process and then begin writing furiously in the notebook that never strayed far from her. “I talked to Williams yesterday as soon as he came back from the dance studio while you were out talking to the two other instructors,” she spoke as a way of explanation.

Dan just sat there as she spoke to him, still trying to understand how his one comment about hair length lead Caroline to the conclusion that there was no connection between the cases. “From what I gleaned from him, was that the extra key, Ms. Roxy talked about, you know the one supposedly in the flowerpot out front, is not there. Either way, that front door was certainly opened somehow. Did you get anything from the other two instructors?” Caroline turned to glance at Dan, who was still dazed at her change in tone.

Outside the office, raised voices could be heard. “Never mind, Dan, you can tell me later. Go out there and see what is going on, I can’t think straight with all the noise,” Caroline ordered.

She didn’t bother to look behind her to see if her partner followed her instructions. Instead she just looked outside the window at the grey afternoon sky. She had been in the office since eight in the morning with her usual cup of coffee sitting beside her as she read over the case files. Each one told the same story until the most recent case came up.

Since the announcement of this case in the paper, the whole town seemed to be in an uproar. This place was supposed to be a quiet place, where petty crimes like theft were the norm. But now, with all the publicity of the numerous murders and a likely connection had every person jumping to their feet with outrage. Took them long enough to figure out ‘tis time to react, Caroline thought cynically.

She had hoped that with the case being the paper, someone would be able to shed light on whom the victim was. Not knowing the girl’s identity, the police just called the girl, Jane Doe, the technical name used when a female victim’s identity is unknown.

“That was my niece in that photo!” A tearful voice cried breaking through Caroline’s quiet moment.

“Please, calm down, madam,” Caroline could hear Dan say comfortingly to whomever was outside the door. The sobs turned into short sniffles as the person tried to gather herself together.

Caroline identified the Chief’s gruff voice telling the stranger that the police force had their best men on the case, and that anything the person had to tell would be most helpful. The door to the office quietly clicked open. Caroline turned to see a sedate, pretty looking woman walk in with Dan following behind.

“When your chief said he had his best men on the case for my niece, I didn’t realize he meant his best was female,” the newcomer said with a sniff. “You better find whoever killed Sandy.”

“My partner and I will try our best,” Caroline answered diplomatically as she sat behind her desk. From one of the desk drawers, she took out a tape recorder. Caroline also moved aside the folders cluttering her desk, and she shifted herself, so she could take a better look at the woman. “Madam, whatever you can tell us about your niece would be most helpful.” A faint click of a button started the tape.

The woman nodded as she tried to contain her tears. Dan courteously handed her a tissue. “Like I said before, I am Sandy’s aunt, Mrs. Walcombe. Sandy was the dearest girl, and I thought of her as my own. Independent and free were the two characteristics that described her best. She was a superb dancer, signed her up for lessons at the dance studio-Roxy’s, I think was the name-on the spot when the talent began to show, even though I feared it would lead her to trouble like my sister. Anything she wanted, I gave it to her.”

As Mrs. Walcombe continued to describe her saint-like niece, Caroline learned that Sandy came from a dancing background. Apparently, Mrs. Walcombe’s elder sister had run off to New York in hopes of being a star when she was 15 and instead ended up becoming a teen mother. To make a living for herself and her child, Shirley worked in the nightclubs as one of the dancers.

Dan interrupted asking Mrs. Walcombe how she knew all of this about her elder sister if she had never been in contact with her family since running away from home. The woman opened her purse, and handed him a yellowed piece of paper.

“Before Shirley died, she sent a single letter home explaining all that happened to her. She begged my parents to forgive her, and to take care of their granddaughter. They never did. I was married by then, and having no children myself, I took Sandy in and treated her as my sister would have. She was about four years old at that time.” She bowed her head at the memory.

Caroline stood up, her hand outstretched. “Your information has shed a bright light on this case, Mrs. Walcombe, and I thank you. You will not mind if the letter remains in police hands, so that we can examine it more thoroughly?”

The woman raised her head slowly. “Keep the letter. It has too many memories. I hope I have your oath you will find whoever did this dirty deed.” And with those words, the woman left the room.

“Dan, what do you make of this situation?” Caroline asked as she pressed the rewind button on the tape player. Dan looked up from the letter he was examining, pinched the bridge of his nose before answering.

“Well, that was certainly some story,” he began. “It had me close to tears.” He lifted his sleeve to the corner of his eye. “I hope we can find whoever did this.” Disgusted, Caroline handed Dan a tissue when she saw the tears had begun to creep down his face.

“You didn’t hear the wrongness in the story?” Caroline asked. “How did you become one of us?” She muttered.

A smile broke through Dan’s tear stricken face. “I was lucky. I only needed a college degree, a driver’s license, and qualification to carry a firearm. Of course the idea of eating a lot of donuts helped also, but I didn’t put that on my application.”

Caroline just shook her head, and started picking through one of the folders. His dark hair sticking out in odd places, and dressed in a faded pair of jeans and a worn grey sweatshirt made Dan look out of place among the mess of case files. He reminded her more of her younger brother, who sat in the plush chair, watching television all day on most weekends. How did the chief choose him?

Tissue still in hand, and his face a bit red from crying, Dan sat in the chair that Mrs. Walcombe had vacated only a few moments earlier. “You asked whether or not I interviewed the two other teachers earlier before the woman’s hysteric disturbed us, and I did, but none made mention of a girl named Sandy being on their roster, nor had they ever seen her when I described the girl. Although, I did find these at both instructor’s residences.” Dan held up two plastic bags, each with a copper key inside.

A/N: What to do next? That is your choice. Add a few suggestions and comments. :cool:

Clues
-glass peices from behind
-bobby pins in vicitim's cubby in the dance studio
-earlier victims had glass next to their bodies (certain from pictures)
-unfortunate accidents cause of death for earlier victims
-Victim, Sandy died from a deliberate blow to the head from a blunt object
-connection going on: work of a copycat
-extra key outside studio missing
-Ms. Walcombe: victim's aunt, younger sister to Shirley, adopted niece when the girl was 4
-story implausible to Caroline
-Two sets of keys that may open the front door to the dance studio found in each of the instructor's residences.
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Solomon Birch
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Location: England..... but Japan beckons.....

Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 8:48 am    Post subject:  

Good chapter Rave; really getting a feel for the characters now. :D

Hmmm, lot's of things we could do now. Dan could go and try and find out what the keys unlock, either by asking the instructors he got them off, or doing some spangly police technique to determine their origin or whatnot. Otherwise, they could try and look into this Sandy person, running her name through the missing persons database, trying to find some hint of her existence. And they could run the fingerprints of the newest victim in the system and see what they get (although they may have already done this...)

*holds breath* :shock: ©
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LordoftheNight
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 10:46 am    Post subject:  

Quote: To him, she would always be the same difficult to understand Caroline.

I think you've got an extra word in here. And I agree with Soily, try to find out what the keys are for.
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Shady Stoat
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 10:48 am    Post subject:  

I think we ought to find out more about this 'Aunt'. She's probably lying about Sandy and we need to find out what her motivation is.

What's in it for her?

I'd agree with finding out about the keys, though. That could be done in conjunction :)
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Mother Goose
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 11:52 am    Post subject:  

Good chapter, answering some questions. I still would like to know what this broken glass looks like. Is it a mirror (question about superstition), a flat pane like a window, a drinking glass or what?

A few technicalities:

"A few day’s old newspaper was somewhere"
sounds confusing - maybe "a recent newspaper" or "a newspaper a few days old" or "a newspaper from a few days ago"

"a cup coffee in hand"
"of" missing

Glock 17 lied,
guns don't talk - it LAY!

“What does my superstitious beliefs have to do anything with the
What do my.......have to do with
or Why does my... belief have anything to do with

person tried to gather themselves together.
herself

and I thought her as my own.
"of" missing

She was superb dancer, signed her up for lessons
"a" missing

there was also a "whom" that should have been "who" but I can't see it now

I'll probably have more questions about the story when I read it again - again, good start.I'm enjoying it
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 2:24 pm    Post subject:  

And I thought I gave it a good read over...

"Glock 17 lied,
guns don't talk - it LAY!"

Argh. I hate English. I really do. It's so damn confusing.

Thanks for catching the errors, Mother Goose.

Keep the comments coming. I was afraid I put too much information in this chapter.
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Araex
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 2:35 pm    Post subject:  

Nice chapter, I really like the character development going on.

No great ideas from me really (I'm far too tired to think properly :lol: ) but I would agree with doing a background check on the aunt and investigating the keys.
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Kalanna Rai
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 3:01 pm    Post subject:  

Glad I caught up with this one...
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 3:21 pm    Post subject:  

'Tis good to see you here, Rai. :cool:
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Mother Goose
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Posted: Wed Mar 22, 2006 6:02 am    Post subject:  

You didn't put too much information in this chapter - I'm still full of questions.

Is it so, then, that all the previous victims have been girls, or at least female? I'm inferring this from the "length of hair" comment.

I'd still like to know how they died, that was taken as accidental. How many of them were there?

Also what do the glass pieces look like?

I do see a problem with the"aunt's" story. If Shirley left home at fifteen, became a teen mother, and died when her child was four, that makes her younger sister pretty young to be already married and willing to take in the orphan. Possible, but....

I'll be back when I think of more.
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Chinaren
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Posted: Wed Mar 22, 2006 6:31 am    Post subject:  

mmm, I am following this one, but I can't add anything (meaningful anyway) to the above. I will just sit back and watch others do the work here! ;)
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 11:48 am    Post subject:  

Mother Goose wrote: You didn't put too much information in this chapter - I'm still full of questions.

Is it so, then, that all the previous victims have been girls, or at least female? I'm inferring this from the "length of hair" comment.

I'd still like to know how they died, that was taken as accidental. How many of them were there?

Also what do the glass pieces look like?

I do see a problem with the"aunt's" story. If Shirley left home at fifteen, became a teen mother, and died when her child was four, that makes her younger sister pretty young to be already married and willing to take in the orphan. Possible, but....

I'll be back when I think of more.

You're really delving into this story, Mother Goose.

To make a few clarifications. What the glass pieces look like is really immaterial, but if you're curious I will describe them perhaps next chapter. But right now, neither Caroline or Dan can't make out what the pieces mean. So I can't tell you much about them.

As for all the victims being female, yes. Telling you that, won't hurt the story I know. Not to be bias to male ballet dancers, but this town is bias.

And as for the aunt's story. We don't whether or not to take it at face value. And when I said teen mother, I meant sort of around 17 or 18.

Does that sort of help sort things out?

I know there will be a lot of questions, but I can't answer all of them until my characters figure find the answer. I hope to have a poll up tomorrow, Saturday at the latest.
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Ravagerrr
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 7:12 pm    Post subject:  

Interesting story so far!

You seem to be running into many of the difficulties I imagined I would have if I were to attempt a murder mystery. A world of variables!

In part, it is difficult to formulate a plan to get to the bottom of this one because we don't have all the information that a detective would have, and some of the information we've been given has been through inferance rather than explicit, further confusing a would be detective. Obviously, prints would have been ran at the scene, the glass itself would have been run, analyzed etc.

Sure we can look into the people surrounding the case, and yes, thats exactly where we should begin is by asking questions of anyone and everyone who may have known the victim or have any intrinsic knowledge of the crime scene. The keys are an interesting lead... he found those at the gal's appartment?

OK, so there are so many things to do at once in this sort of scenario that it's hard to say what the best thing to do NEXT would be. I like having so many options, but its hard when there is so little to go on to make a decision in prioritorizing them.

Good story though, and a progressive attempt into a difficult genre.

However, I found that it was a bit hard for me to separate the plot and the details of the case, from the descriptions of the character interactions and environments. In other words, since we need to analyze the data of the case to make valid decision considerations, your powerful usage of descriptive terminology becomes a bit of a hindrance. You write very well, however, in a situation where we need to be more analytical, you are inspiring a great deal of right brained activity, making it hard to use the left. Make sense?

I, too felt that the characters really came out in this chapter and much of that was due to your strengths in dialogue and descriptive nuances. Therefore, it is also necessary to continue using that artistic strength of yours.

The solution could be to offer a cold, explicit synopsis of exactly what has been learned after each chapter. It would help me to see exactly where we stand in the plot and give me an idea of what to do next. I hope my comments have been helpful.

Thanks for your friendly involvement in Pillbox, I appreciate it greatly!
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 9:21 pm    Post subject:  

Ravagerrr wrote: Interesting story so far!

Thanks. :P

Quote: You seem to be running into many of the difficulties I imagined I would have if I were to attempt a murder mystery. A world of variables!

Well, thats all we get. We just need to connect the pieces.

Quote: The keys are an interesting lead... he found those at the gal's appartment?

Check again. :D

Quote: Good story though, and a progressive attempt into a difficult genre.

Thanks. I have always loved reading mysteries, so I thought I would try my hand at writing one. And, yeah, I agree it's pretty hard to write. You have to put out the facts at the right time, and that's hard.

Quote: However, I found that it was a bit hard for me to separate the plot and the details of the case, from the descriptions of the character interactions and environments. In other words, since we need to analyze the data of the case to make valid decision considerations, your powerful usage of descriptive terminology becomes a bit of a hindrance. You write very well, however, in a situation where we need to be more analytical, you are inspiring a great deal of right brained activity, making it hard to use the left. Make sense?

I didn't notice that all...:? I guess that is because I am the writer. I actually would think my right brain would be doing less work than my left 'cause other than writing, I have no artistic skill whatsoever.

Since you say I need to be more analytical, am I that far off? I thought the analysis of the connection between the cases was pretty much a logical left-brain thinking. You must admit though that it was necessary to add a little creativity to it, lest it be a boring droll from the character.

Quote: I, too felt that the characters really came out in this chapter and much of that was due to your strengths in dialogue and descriptive nuances. Therefore, it is also necessary to continue using that artistic strength of yours.

I was looking for that in my characters. I have analyzed my writing over the years since I was 12 when I first started writing, and realized how bland my characters are. I am glad each character is standing out. I think thats what a mystery is all about. Characterization. We have to understand what the character is like, and how they would react in a situation, and anything else that comes their way.

Quote: The solution could be to offer a cold, explicit synopsis of exactly what has been learned after each chapter. It would help me to see exactly where we stand in the plot and give me an idea of what to do next. I hope my comments have been helpful.

Thanks for your friendly involvement in Pillbox, I appreciate it greatly!

I will try to do that. ;) If it would help you, I am sure it will help the other readers. Your comments have been most helpful. Thanks for the long post. :D
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Araex
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 2:08 am    Post subject:  

Oooh! Idea!

Now that we know who the vic is, can we go and search her apartment? See if there are any clues there, specifically anything relating to things found in other victims' residences - which we can go investigate too if we haven't done before.
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CunningFox
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 3:25 am    Post subject:  

This is a cool story Ravenwing. don't knw if it is in the right forum though, i was expecting a comedy! Anyway, don't have anymore to add yet, i will keep waiting like the others.
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Ravagerrr
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 8:41 am    Post subject:  

To be honest, I hate criticizing, and I'm glad you took my response so positively, as that was my intent. I don't know if you were "off" per-se as far as being logical. I felt you were very logical. I just found it difficult to determine what was going on throughout all the descriptive sceneplay. Some of it may have been my waning attention span tho.;)
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 10:29 am    Post subject:  

Okay, when I said I would have the poll up on Saturday, I meant today? I couldn't get online last night. I PMed Shady, so the new poll should be up soon. I hope to keep it for 4 days once its up, then I will start to write the next chapter.

Araex, I added your idea to the poll.

CunningFox-Thanks. But this is also the Experimental forum, so this was where the story fit best.

Rav-I don't like to criticize things either, but when I do, I hope that authors take them as suggestions. Anyways, I will take your suggestion on putting a synopsis of what has been found out and do something with it. I don't really want to do a full one because that may ruin the story. But I will do something creative with it.
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 3:59 pm    Post subject:  

Wow, I think this has reached 2 pages. And I have yet to write the 3rd chapter....

Anyways, I have put up the poll for Chapter 2!! You have 4 days as of today!
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LordoftheNight
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Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 4:51 pm    Post subject:  

Well, there was no - 'all of the above option', so I just voted.
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Chinaren
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Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 7:13 pm    Post subject:  

Bob Thwack!

I think it is time for some serious interogation. Bring on the rubber hoses! Oh yeah. :D
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Ravenwing
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Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 8:35 pm    Post subject:  

lordofthenight wrote: Well, there was no - 'all of the above option', so I just voted.

Well, you see I know all of the above are going to happen, but which one is going to be center point of the chapter? And if you noticed, I sort of incorporated all the choices in the last chapter from the first poll. I will probably do the samething.

Oh, I forgot to add, if you have any other suggestions to add to the poll, give a shout. :D
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