City of IF

[LordoftheNight]

Poll is up.

[Phang]

Poll is closed, and by a whopping* 2 out of 2 votes, Lecro and Ralph must watch terrible music videos! Time to put TMF on for inspiration...


*Please note: This is sarcasm.

[Phang]

And now on CHANNEL IF, it’s time for the second episode of…

THE ROOM
Episode 2: Put your hands up for THE ROOM.


THE ROOM, Lord of Darkness’ Mansion, Oblivion, Nowt Dimension.

“Well then, if you’re both ‘nigh-on invincible’…you’ll be able to survive through something I’ve been planning for a looong time…won’t you?”

“Umm…not necesssssarily?” mumbled Lecro, cowering behind Ralph. As usual, he was stubbornly and insanely refusing to back down to any veiled threat. He’d done it all before. And he’d do it all again to get out of here.

“Now…Big Mother, you said your name was? My dear, please, if you would be so kind as to excuse me from such punishments…I was in no way made aware of our purpose here, but now, of course, under your invisible gaze, I see…”

“Wull narr, da’ss sum charmin’ you’se dowin’.” Thelo folded up his porn magazine and placed it carefully back in his pocket, sidling up behind Ralph to listen intently. His list of lovers was long – everyone loves a superhero – but with these skills, he could double the length of the list!

“Quiet, strange mortal. This veiled beauty does not want to hear your stupidity.” A finger, gloved with a long thin blade of metal, bent backwards under the speaker. It was rather hard to place your hand under someone’s head when their head was somewhere else. “I am sure that your beauty is obvious…but, just to let me check…just release me from this prison, just to see you…”

A sudden bolt of electricity blasted Ralph back from the wall, sending Thelo as well behind him. With a flicker, though, Thelo was sitting next to the two skeletal creatures – which seemed the safest, least evil, and most likely to have some sort of hallucinatory substance. Thelo was not a good judge of character, but this had never stopped him before.

“Ralph Sharkelson Slilomv, congratulations. You are now going to have your punishment worsened.” Ralph groaned, pulling himself off the floor. In a random act of violence, Chiacutie smacked him over the head with Chicken’s handbag, releasing man thongs over his head. Ralph growled and remained down, as a high-pitched sound started to vibrate slightly around the room. Lecro looked from Ralph to Big Mother, then back again, and decided to join Thelo pestering the skeletons. He wasn’t a good judge of character either – he seemed to think people respected him for being such a peculiar and powerful creature. “Get back up, Lecro. And Thelo. You’re all going to have to face retaliation for hurting THE ROOM…”


“…Wull, Ah’m nat shurr des bui un gurrd adaya…”

“For god’s sake, talk normal!” The three had been strapped into chairs on one side of THE ROOM, which had been swiftly cleared by lasers. The others were gathered on the other side, watching intently as Ralph refused to consign himself to his fate. “I invented every chair trick in the world! You can’t do anything I’m not prepared for!” Tugging against the leather straps, he bared his long yellow teeth and snarled in the face of Big Mother – or rather, the speaker. “You hear that? I am the master of all this crap! And the next time you sleep…you’ll see what I can do! I am the Nightmare King, and I know your worst fears!”

“Da’s troo?”

“It is, idiot. It’s all too true for anyone who should cross me…” he fixed the speaker with a red gaze, then finally fell silent. The non-chairbound congregation grew relieved, then –

“Blaaaaaaarrrrgrrrraaaaaak!!!!!” Twisting sounds into a cacophony of horror, Ralph screeched at Big Mother and the collected audience, green slime spraying from his wide maw. This morphed into a hideously loud laugh, his chest rapidly inflating and deflating with every howl of mirth. Finally, he fell silent again. “Like I said. I am the greatest. Oldest trick in the book, that.”

“That –” snarled the voice of Big Mother, “was pathetic, infantile and stupid. You don’t learn, do you, Ralph Sharkelson Slilomv? Your punishment will now be increased further!

“Now…” Screens slid up in front of the three victims, “It’s time for you to experience pure terror…behold, the awful music videos!”

The screens flicked on and ‘Searching…’ was displayed for a second, before Ralph’s and Lecro’s switched onto TMF*. Thelo’s spent a far longer time searching, before finally taking a risk and seeing how he coped with emo music.

“Uuurrgh darr gawd!!!” the reaction was far, far bigger than expected. Lecro was swaying and crackling with electrical power, trying to connect to the screen and power-surge it, to no avail. Ralph simply sat with a half-grimace, and Clive, Jack, Sliced Bread and Chicken, enticed by the sounds of trance-like and cop-out repetition which usually suggests a borderline-porn video, began to slip over one by one behind him. Soon all were watching smugly, the moving images of a slightly odd nature just about counteracting the bad music.

“See, Big Mother?” hissed Ralph, tearing his seriously depraved imagination away from the screen. “You obviously underestimate me. And my friends here.” Thelo leant over to look at the two other screens, his face showing severe pain from the disturbing flashing images and screeching pathetic rants blaring out at him. On the other side of THE ROOM, Chia was getting just as affected by the music. She wasn’t emo – or was she…

“Ralph, please, what do you take me for? This is just the beginning…” Robotic arms reached out from behind the chairs and snapped all three heads into place, unable to move away from the images of awfulness.

“Stage two activated.” Stated a metallic voice, and things started to turn up a gear. The collected watchers were blasted away with a jet of water and the three others were sealed inside a glass case. Inside, the volume was turned up, the colour contrast increased to eye-bleeding maximum, and in Ralph’s case, another robotic hand started waving something in his face. As his eyes began to focus on it he saw the pink-tinted vial of liquid, the long, thin point of metal…poised to strike between the eyes…or into the roof of his mouth…as before…


“How long are they gonna be like that?” asked Chia, nervously. Thelo was crying after discovering that depression is musically contagious, Lecro was screaming and refusing to put his hands up for anywhere, and as for Ralph…he was screeching, flailing his arms and lashing out with his tongue as a syringe was waved in front of his eyes. Clive hovered from foot to foot, unsure what to do for his new boss. It seemed impossible to rescue him, and Big Mother was watching…and only an hour ago he’d been considering going for tea at Black Ant’s.

“As long as it takes…” laughed Big Mother, “what it takes, I don’t know!” Unseen even by her camera-gaze, Sliced Bread dived down from Jack’s shoulder and slid across the floor, flipping up and behind the case. First part of the rescue was now complete…now, he just had to look for a way in…

There! A tiny crack in the glass, visible only to an eyeless and all-knowing demi-god of Sainsbury’s. And possibly something as small as one. Performing a corkscrew spin, he began to use his neck-bone nose to drill through the glass, widening the crack. Jack, noticing Sliced Bread had disappeared, quickly tried distracting Big Mother, persuading her to let the three victims out. Slipping through the tiny hole he had made, Sliced Bread flipped up, somersaulted and landed neatly on Thelo KaKa’s shoulder. He couldn’t go near the other two without being injured, but possibly Thelo could deal with them, if he could be cheered up…or possibly, some other plan of action to get the three out? Damn, this had been very poorly planned, both Sliced Bread and the author thought. Still, it was a good point for a DP…what was a DP? Thought Sliced Bread. Maybe it was something to do with Sainsbury’s…


Yep, it was a very bad plan, but now Sliced Bread and you (yeah, you) are stuck with trying to save the three victims from the terrors of awful music. Will you do it? Only I know, and I’ve forgotten!

This was a CHANNEL IF and PHANGVISION co-production.

[LordoftheNight]

Well, I'm not going to try and save the victims - is that an option? Can Sliced Bread decide his plan is heavily flawed, and just sit and watch them?

[Phang]

lordofthenight wrote: Well, I'm not going to try and save the victims - is that an option? Can Sliced Bread decide his plan is heavily flawed, and just sit and watch them?

Yeah, I'd guess so. Not something I'd want to watch, but hey.

[Kalanna Rai]

Humm, I'm thinking that maybe sliced bread could take one of Thelo's pills and see if that doesn't have an effect on Thelo.

[The White Blacksmith]

Use his all-knowing powers to throw Thelo into one of them. Might not save them, but it sure as heck would be fun to watch.

[Phang]

The White Blacksmith wrote: Use his all-knowing powers to throw Thelo into one of them. Might not save them, but it sure as heck would be fun to watch.

Lawl! Even if that doesn't go through, I might just make a .gif of it.

[The White Blacksmith]

Hey Phang, is this going to the Headeaters yet?

[steve_domination35]

ok i got it just obliterate everyone by brain washing them into thinking there zombies ha ha ha do it its gunna be funny

[Phang]

steve_domination35 wrote: ok i got it just obliterate everyone by brain washing them into thinking there zombies ha ha ha do it its gunna be funny

Shut up. You're worse than Weaver.

(nobody better delete that post or I'll thump you for putting this one out of context)


Anyway, in reply to Whitey, not yet. But Greater Evil has. Though it hasn't been taken in yet and a lack of literate ideas has me stuck.

[LordoftheNight]

Poll is up.

[The White Blacksmith]

Wow... you have a tie! Of course, with only two votes, it was likely to happen anyway.

[Phang]

The White Blacksmith wrote: Wow... you have a tie! Of course, with only two votes, it was likely to happen anyway.

Gyah, as if I haven't waited enough already.

[Vampireidiot]

lol the second one is winning, it could be very funny :lol:
i could just see Thelo being flung into ralph, heehee

[Phang]

Woohoo, four people have voted*! That's good enough for me!

I'm closing the poll, and then I'll edit this to say which has won. You know, just in case someone voted while I was typing this. That would be some kind of awesome**.


Edit: And the winner is...*drum roll*...

Throw Thelo KaKa into the other two! *Option 2 is led on stage and showered in affection by the adoring crowd*

Excellent choice, people! The third chapter of THE ROOM will be out soon. Meanwhile...let's watch the other two options battle it out for the runner-up prize in the Acid Pit of Loser's Suffering!


*Anyone who reads this story and didn't vote is a humourless sodarse.
**Hint hint.

[Crunchyfrog]

Ah, I enjoyed this! More please! And soon!

:D

[Lilith]

*falls off her chair and rolls on the floor laughing so hard tears come out of her eyes* I LOVE IT! IT"S PURE GENSIS! This is what humor is all about... nice work Phang! :P :lol:

[Phang]

Woohoo! More readers! And they find this funny! I sure hope that's lemonade in my pants!...err...never mind.

The chapter will be up soon, I promise. I'm on the right computer for it as I need to scan the next comic as well! Now whose underwear is soaked with lemonade?

[Vampireidiot]

Phang wrote: I sure hope that's lemonade in my pants!...err...never mind.


lol, i sure hope that's sheppard pie in my pants ;)
heehe
looking forward to the next chap :-D

[Guest]

A bit turmiol I might add. LOL
this is amuzing phang, tough I think there is only one choice to take kill the music bfore brain wash or kill them and runn. LOL :P

[Phang]

Christalnightshade wrote: A bit turmiol I might add. LOL
this is amuzing phang, tough I think there is only one choice to take kill the music bfore brain wash or kill them and runn. LOL :P

The poll's closed, and the brainwashing was suggested by a moron. And if I added any more turmoil the website might explode, a-hyuck. ;)

[The White Blacksmith]

As creator of that poll option, I'd like to take my reward of 100 fabl... What do you mean there's no reward to the creator? But tramp said... TRAMP!

[Chinaren]

Hello Phang. A few pointers with my Head Eater hat on.

The spelling and grammar seem to be fine. No real problems there except:

Quote: A sudden rush of wind sweeps through the building, blinding everyone with a flash of speed. A sonic boom rips through the hall and blows out the windows, and in a moment of chaos all is lost. Then, the dust clears, and there follows rage and confusion. The drugs and underwear have been ripped from the grasps of everyone in the room, within less than a second and leaving no evidence of the culprit. Except, of course, the name.

Post 1 has the above, which is suddenly in present tense.

Quote: Ralph continued laughing, throwing himself around on his throne. Eventually beating himself round the head with his own cane until he stopped, he composed himself, stood up and strode across the platform to the two new applicants, arms outstretched welcomingly. “Welcome, friends, to the Other Side! You’re just the people we’ve been looking for! Especially you, the – errm – puppet, thing, if you don’t mind me saying. You’re absolutely perfect for the job! And, of course, nobody can go without a large roach to keep them company…” Roach mewled in response – puppet-puppet just nodded. Were he able to talk, he would have told Ralph that his name was really Clive Johnson. Unfortunately, a lack of speech implements was one of the problems associated with being a puppet. Ralph babbled on, and Clive just stood there – he couldn’t hear, either. And it was terribly hard to lip-read someone whose way of talking had to incorporate very large teeth. Roach listened intently, and was jumped out of his shell when a thunderous cry ripped through the building.

This and quite a lot of other paragraphs are too long. They need new lines and general splitting up.

If you add some new lines between people speaking and split up your overly long paragraphs this will be fine.

[The Dark Knight]

This story is by far way to ammusing to be healthy... I can't wait to read the next chapter...

[Phang]

And now on CHANNEL IF, after a long break, guess what’s back?

THE ROOM
Episode 3: I’m bringing Ralphy back.


THE ROOM, 25 Blackheart Avenue, Little Hydeling, Houleuris.

Sliced Bread looked around himself in confusion. He didn’t have much time – Big Mother could spot him any minute! Sliding down Thelo’s quivering arm, he landed in his pocket – and entered a pocket dimension like the TARDIS on twenty different mind-altering substances – that was true, they were still here.

The porn magazine from earlier floated past in the starry, warped void. Following after it was a small monkey with a string of sausages for a tail, swimming like through water. Something hit Sliced Bread in the back of the head/vertebrae – turning round, he saw a large jar with G0d Padder scrawled on the lid; though the label announced it was powdered Priestweed for use in hot beverages. Sliced Bread wrapped himself around the bottle and unscrewed the lid, looking inside. The contents puffed out into the void, smothering him in a pale green power. As a demi-god, Sliced Bread did not need to eat, but the powder quickly absorbed itself into what veins he still had…

As he emerged from the great Pocket of Thelo KaKa, Sliced Bread stopped suddenly in his tracks. Sainsbury’s was right in front of him – a vision in truth, justice and half-price offers! The rest of the world seemed to melt around Him in glory and respect, and only Sliced Bread heard the Great Words He had to say.

“Sliced…Bread…” He rumbled, and the bird spine stood to attention. “The gymnastic abilities I blessed you with must face the ultimate test…”

“I’m ready!” shouted Sliced Bread, “I will do anything to prove my faith!” and he felt like he could, like he was the greatest being in the entire world. He could destroy this planet in a click of his fingers. He was second only to Sainsbury’s!

“You must…you must, Sliced Bread…um…” Sainsbury’s paused for a moment, observing the brightly coloured and crinkling world around him. “I…um…I know! Take the one of grey-crested hair, and throw him into the serpent of lightning, and the tortured maggot of horror!”

“Sorry, say what again?” Sainsbury’s sighed with all the force of his godly might behind him.

“Pick up Thelo KaKa and throw him in Lecro and Ralph Slilomv. Ugh, I thought people were smarter than in my day…” Sainsbury’s great Eyes of Power rolled and he faded from view. Reality suddenly straightened up and sorted out its appearance. Sliced Bread steeled his nerves, shook away his sudden hangover and prepared for the ultimate test.


Lecro’s throbbing eyes looked over to Thelo KaKa with shock. He was still sobbing and howling, but now he was levitating! Lecro looked away quickly and was almost struck hard in the face with a razor-tipped gauntlet. Groaning in frustration he had to peel his eyes back to the screen, unable, despite all his infinite power, to do anything about his predicament.

Suddenly, however, he could, as Thelo KaKa decided to stop levitating and start hurtling towards him! With a crunch and a blast of electricity the two of them hit, surged the televisions and tumbled over onto Ralph, whose head was knocked forward. His face met the needle, and it plunged itself in just above his jaw, letting its contents flood into his bloodstream.

Its contents were known to induce extreme rage in mere human mortals, never mind a technically immortal genetic/bionic freak.


A little later, and Thelo KaKa was lying unconscious on top of Lecro, who was in turn surrounded by shards of glass. Ralph was stood next to them, facing the crowd of other ROOM inmates who regarded him with abject horror - and with good reason.

The muscles in his segmented body shuddered, his eyelids twitched, his thin lips curled. His right eye welled up with tears of rage, his gloved hands bunched into fists. Long, dagger-like teeth grinded against each other. And a high-pitched noise vibrated in the heads of everyone, forming itself into one word, over and over again,

“FATHER FATHER father father father…”

Chicken hastily buried his head in his handbag, and Chiacutie attempted to hide in his plumage. Sliced Bread quickly made himself even scarcer in Thelo KaKa’s pockets. Clive hid his puppet and tried his best to look like a lamppost of some sort, and Roach scuttled about the place panicking. Jack Skellington decided that disguising himself as a rock was the best possible thing he could do at this moment, and so covered himself with his robes and huddled up in the corner.

“Ahahahhh…ahhhahahhh…” Ralph made like he was gearing up for a sneeze. He wasn’t. “Yaaaaaaaarrrrgh!” is the best that can be made out of what he said as he flipped out.

Totally and ninja-styley.

Rounding on the gathered victims, Ralph clicked his tongue, his fingers moving almost too fast to see in anticipation of things it may not be suitable to describe here.

“Which one…” he murmured under his breath, “Which one of you shall be first to meet my true horror?”


Which one indeed? It’s a toffee, because whoever dies is out of the game! So who will be going (and in a most unpleasant fashion, rest assured)?

This was a CHANNEL IF and PHANGVISION co-production.

[NeverNeverGirl]

sorry but i think you should take out chiacutie as she hasnt had a lot of input into the story line so far...

I love the way you write, it really brings the 'characters' to life and the humour is really on my wave length.

does this mean i am slightly warped??

[Crunchyfrog]

My head says Chia. My heart says LECRO!!!!

Wow, I thought this one had died...

Nice one, Phang!

:lol:

[Phang]

Crunchyfrog wrote: My head says Chia. My heart says LECRO!!!!

Woohoo! Lol.

[tramp in a storm]

I say Chia. We need Lecro so that he can be tortured abit before dying. :D

[Head Eater]

Thisss thread will be moved once you have made the ssssugesssted adjussstments. :grin:

[Phang]

Head Eater wrote: Thisss thread will be moved once you have made the ssssugesssted adjussstments. :grin:

I'm on it, honesssst!

[The White Blacksmith]

I think Chia too. She's not done anything yet, and all the others aer surrounded by various shades of Funny.

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[tramp in a storm]

The White Blacksmith wrote: I think Chia too. She's not done anything yet, and all the others aer surrounded by various shades of Funny.

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Yeah. see? that's EXACTLY my point. And yes i know that I didn't say that.

Anyway, when's the next chappy coming out?

[The White Blacksmith]

Be patient! It's only been 16 days.

[tramp in a storm]

Damn. If we go by the time it took her last time..... we've got a while to wait.

oh :( Phang hurry up! :)

[The White Blacksmith]

Just get a bazooka to her head till she posts or puts up a poll or something. I mean, how hard will it be to put up a poll listing the names of the characters?

Although I could nominate that Chicken reveals hithero unknown talents and projects their images onto a wall, which Ralph procedes to attack.

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[tramp in a storm]

lol then they can all laugh at Ralph! that'll be funny. As long as the chicken doesn't die I don't mind lol

[Phang]

I already have plans for Ralph's stopping, involving DEER!

And I'm putting a poll up now.

[tramp in a storm]

woooo! go chia! I voted :)

hey, where is MW these days? not seen him in ages