City of IF

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 2:20 pm Post subject: The Madness of Lord Charles

[removed by author]

snow tiger · Joined: 07 Dec 2008 Posts: 56 Location: u wish

Very interesting beginning. It's quite intriguing but there are a few mistakes in grammar.
Ex; Quote: My dearest Agnes. She has finally succumb to her affliction.

Did you mean succumbed?

Klafarius · Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 8:09 am Post subject:

Interesting beginning. I can't wait to read more.

purplequeen4321 · Joined: 07 Sep 2009 Posts: 2

I really liked it!
It was really interesting! :)

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 9:50 am Post subject:

snow tiger wrote: Very interesting beginning. It's quite intriguing but there are a few mistakes in grammar.
Ex; Quote: My dearest Agnes. She has finally succumb to her affliction.

Did you mean succumbed?

Unfortunately, you are right. Although I completely disagree and think that the past participle of succumb should be succumb and not succumbed, as 'She has finally succumbed to her affliction' does not sound right to me. I'm staging a silent protest and am simply going to leave it as succumb.

If you have found more grammar mistakes, please tell me. I don't make many, but I am happy to learn from my mistakes any day.

Chinaren · Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 5:50 pm Post subject:

No, it's 'succumbed' I'm afraid. Succumb is just wrong, and it looks wrong too.

There's a few other areas in the first part that could use looking at a bit as well, though they're not overly frightful.

In the second part you need to watch your POV, as it seems to switch between characters a bit randomly.

If you're following the Charles, then you should just keep to his POV, follow his feelings and thoughts. If you're following the bible thumper, then you need to follow just his.

I must admit I drifted a bit reading this, but that was mainly because of the religious bumf, which fails to interest me. ;)

On the plus side, I dig your avatar.

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 8:30 pm Post subject:

Chinaren wrote: No, it's 'succumbed' I'm afraid. Succumb is just wrong, and it looks wrong too.

I realize that it should be succumbed, however I just think succumbed is a terrible sounding work. In my opinion languages are driven more by sound than appearance, and so that is how I judge. I would never, ever, be caught dead saying succumbed even if it means I look like a fool. I would much rather use something like succamb. It looks extremely awkward and goofy, but it sounds good. It may not be a real word, but that won't stop me from using it. Rules are meant to be broken, and this one I choose to break. Anyways, I'll stop my rambling now.

As for the POV, I haven't read over it yet, but what you said makes since. I rarely, and I mean rarely, write in the 3rd person. The reason I wrote this in 3rd person was because I needed practice in it. I'll try and fix that in the next chapter, and if I ever get around to rewriting this one (doubtful with the amount of free time I have) I'll fix it here too.

Chinaren · Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:22 am Post subject:

Well instead of using a word that's wrong and, IMO, looks rather foolish, why don't you reword it, or maybe use a different phrase?

'She's given in' is one alternative. Isn't quite as nice as 'succumbed' but at least it reads right.

It's your story of course, and your call, but if you go around using bad grammar and spelling, it doesn't encourage people to read it.

I don't mean any offense here or anything - Just saying is all! :D