City of IF

[Crossfire]

*grins* Why blame them? I think that was a rather pleasant outcome, personally... Certainly appealed to my sense of morality... ;)

Had I known that chinaren would be writing the *ahem* scene, I would most certainly have not even made a half-hearted attempt to vote. :D

Most enjoyable, highly so, and to take a leaf out of the book of someone you have never even heard of that probably didn't carry around books made out of leaves, *takes a possibly-existant breath* I will be a Half-Elven Blademage named *sighs* Jama'ek Tmaekrulan. *considers* Assuming I have a material form at the time, that is, which I generally won't. However, I will look vaguely half-elven, assuming I ever go into a material form (which I probably will), in my preferred form.

This preferred form will be reasonably humanoid, but still amorphous, possibly male, possibly female, definitely something, maybe androgynous, etcetra. Height, weight, muscle mass, origin and so forth will be indeterminate.

I have vast control over elemental magic and just about the rest of the extent of my abilities can be found... *considers again* here. But more powerful. Muchly so. Muchly muchly. Ignore the biography, it's nonsense. ;)

Again, please proofread your work, it is excellently written but poorly edited by comparison. Incidentally, in the poll it is 'plane', not 'plain', and the phrase should really be Material Plane, in correct form. Not that I would know anything about such matters, of course...

[The White Blacksmith]

X wrote: *grins* Why blame them? I think that was a rather pleasant outcome, personally... Certainly appealed to my sense of morality... ;)

Had I known that chinaren would be writing the *ahem* scene, I would most certainly have not even made a half-hearted attempt to vote. :D


I take that to mean you voted for that then. Congratulations! You are now on my Death List!

[Phang]

Player of Fates wrote: Ralph (as...well...Can someone please explain to me who the heck Ralph is?)

You're putting him in? Oh dear.

[Player of Fates]

The Meaning Of Fear wrote: JESUS! YOU ARE GONNA DIE, PLATES!!! :-x And chinaren... Ohhhh man... You are gonna diiiee.....

Wait till I'm through with you two... You won't be able to walk half a centimetre without experiencing the most horrible pain unknown to man... and gods... and fates... and orange things that write perverted stories. :-x

Other then that... Well done... i guess....

Hey don't make me put you and the Happy Maker in the same scene again Meany! Don't make me!

Crossfire, corrected the spelling mistakes and such on the latest chapter, read it over Crossfire and just quote what I did wrong if you can.

Phang, please explain who and/or what Ralph is.

Whitey, I love you too.

Crunchy, Gender changing.....?

Dinranwen, apreciate the suggestions Din, I'm trying to think of some scenarios.

Chinaren, thanks once again for writing that little uh...scene. I will probably call upon your unusualy services again in a few chapters or so. :shock:

I'll wait another day for suggestions then I'll put up the poll. Thanks everyone for reading and remember....I can't die! AHAHAHA! . . . . . .Hey, where's my hat?

[Lilith]

*tosses POF his hat* Somehow Meanie had it again... ;)

I say that the demon duo end up arguing over something ridiculous where niether one will get over his arrogance and back down... and then they fly into Rai.... who of course is going to be rather suspiscious as to what Lordy's up to this time...

muahaha!

[Player of Fates]

*sniffs hat* Why does it smell faintly like urine?

Anyways, I'm gonna put the poll up.

[dinranwen]

A four way tie...how unusal.

[Player of Fates]

Son of a %$#! Someone break it!

EDIT:

Nvm, looks like Muadibb's District is winning by one...God dammit, Chinaren's gonna be one rich orange furred being by the time this story is over.

EDIT 2:

Screw it. This poll has been open for a couple of days at least. Muadibb's district has won. O.o Chin, um, you might find something your inbox in the next fewdays or so.

Other than that, the list of characters appearing are still going to be in it.

[NeverNeverGirl]

Crunchyfrog wrote:

Hmm, this has got me thinking, perhaps we should build a library of IF characters for authors to draw from...

has this happened yet - its not a bad idea.. poitn me inthe right direction if it has been done...

[dinranwen]

NeverNeverGirl said:
Quote: has this happened yet - its not a bad idea.. poitn me inthe right direction if it has been done...

Some of have been done on the Ifki, and Rai was talking about it for a while, but officially on the actual site no.

[Crunchyfrog]

Gahh, how did I miss the poll?

Anyway, I will be interested in how this one turns out!

Ref the character library - I have a list of the twenty that appeared in the Hangover, with their charactaristics. I could start a thread in the Open Forum with that as a starting point, and each person could comment on what they need, and I could edit it in. When it is as complete as it can be, it could be moved over to the Tales of IF forum for reference.

What do you think?

[Phang]

Player of Fates wrote: Phang, please explain who and/or what Ralph is.

Check out THE ROOM*. I'd give you a link but frankly I don't know what the address is.

Though really all you need to know is that he sucks and should not be included in this story**, or it won't just be White and Mean after you...


*Oh, shameless!
**Or any for that matter - but it's too late now.

[Player of Fates]

IF
CHAPTER FOUR-PART I-MONSTERS AND WHORES(1)


"Ooooohhh! Oh!"

"You like that, baby?"

"Oh Gods yes! Mmm!"

"I'm getting in there deep!"

"Deeper deeper!"

Meany grunted and threaded his thumbs into the knot of muscle in his beloveds shoulder. She groaned as the aching knot finally relaxed and dissipated into the smooth white skin of her naked shoulder.

"That was amazing! Where'd you learn to massage like that?"

"At St. Markit's High School."

"Wait, wasn't that an all boy school?"

Meany didn't answer.

"Oh."

There was a moment of awkward silence before Meany quipped, "It was for much needed extra credit."

"Right right."

Whitey grinned and tossed back a lock of white hair as she ran her fingers down her bare stomach. "There's another place where you can massage."

Meany was about to eagerly answer when there was a distinct sound. The magic user frowned and checked the room carefully. No one else was inside, visible and invisible.

"Did you hear that?" Meany asked as he climbed off Whitey and peered around the room. He eyed the wrecked office door.

"Yea, it sounded like someone throwing up."

Meanwhile, as Whitey and Meany checked suspiciously around their love room, a Imploder was leaping in bounds away from their office door to report back to his monstrous brethren.

He reached the air flier and carefully padded up the walkway with his triple jointed legs and straightened out his tentacles that hung from his large maw.

He walked into the gross smelling compartment and snapped a salute that was an arm straight out forward and his claws flat.

"Heil Zitler!"

The rest of the Imploders were daintily gorging themselves on the carcasses on their dead hosts. They snapped a salute back at him and then at the tall foreboding Imploder with a muscled green chest and the tattoo on his arm that read, "I <3 Mom."

"What news do's ye have, lowly worm scum?" grunted the Zitler as he strutted towards the stock still minion.

"I have'z scouted two's non demon or monster beings, Zitler, oh mighty onez, may you's live forever...z!"

"Doing's what stupid poo poo!"

The shaking minion grew yellow with embarrassment as the rest of his brother's laughed. One started choking on his makeshift fork and promptly began gagging.

"They were in'z the process of some action!"

Zitler stroked his tentacles and glanced at the watching troops. They needed fresh food, and fast. The meat on the unfortunate Holder's had already stiffened and the last fat one had been made almost entirely out of lard. Disgusting.

"Explain these actionz!"

The minion straightened. "The one whos appeared to be'z male was mounting-"

The lead Imploder quickly waved his had for the small minion to stop. "Never mind never mind."

He glanced at the second biggest Imploder and snapped his pale green fingers at her. "Shoolah. Take Boeboe and Dollie and kill the non brethrens and bring back their's meatiez!"

"Heil Zitler!" The lumbering Imploder bowed her large head and Zitler took a moment to admire her tentacles. He quickly adjusted and then puffed out his mucus colored chest.

"Firsts! Recite ze Issue!"

The group of Imploders, in one voice, shouted: "We are's lowers then a worm's belly button! I lives only to serve ze great Zitler! If he's may ask us to lick his tentacles, we wills do so! If he desires to breed with Kookoos we do so! We are's lowers then a worm's belly button! HEIL ZITLER!"

Zitler nodded his approval and with a twitch of his talons, his chosen three were off, bounding down the iron walkway and making the semi-empty ruins of the warehouse echo with their passing.

<> <> <> <>

Aithel was in the middle of arguing with Lordy when his cat nose caught a scent in the wind. His wings flapped eagerly and Lordy noticed the sudden change of attitude.

"What? What did you notice?"

"Do you smell that?" Aithel asked as he took a big whiff of the air. "Smells like burgers."

Lordy sniffed hesitantly and his great leathery wings grew rigid for a second, making him dip lower. "Do you know what those are?"

"What? I know, burgers. I'm not stupid," the arch demon growled. He folded his arms and huffed in an upset way.

"They're made from 100% beef."

"You mean from...cows?"

Lordy nodded gravely. "Exactly. Animals."

"You mean, no humans? No soul residue?"

The daemon once again nodded and slightly quickened his flight pace. The scent of meat had begun to fade but Aithel seemed a bit green. "Barbarians," he whispered.

They flew in silence for a long space of minutes. Aithel was enjoying the new scents, no matter how revolting or down right weird they were.

The arch demon may have been a heartless bastard monster but he still enjoyed the wind in his wings and fur, not to mention a few other places that had longed for some breeze.

Lordy broke the silence as he pointed a claw at a dark part of the city twisting with alleyways and suspicious buildings. Just the type of place for demons. "That's Muadibb District."

"Isn't that from a book*?"

"What, the District?"

"No, no, Muadibb."

Lordy shrugged. "Have no idea. But we better head down there. There's a being I know who may help us with this oncoming threat."

Aithel frowned and followed the daemon as he tucked in his leathery wings and dived towards the foreboding district. They landed at the last second, sending rotting roof tile everywhere as they smashed into a violent landing worthy of hell.

The jaguar formed arch demon sniffed the air and raised an eyebrow. "Say, Lordy. Was there another reason you came here?"

The dameon wore an innocent expression. "No, why?"

"Nothing, just, you know...maybe another reason." He sniffed again and winced at the overpowering scent of lust though it was strangely alluring.

The duo was about to leap fro the roof when something stepped onto their path that made the whole building shake.

A enormously fat woman with a fake cat's tail and a too tight leather outfit eyed them with more than seller's gaze. She cracked a black whip and moved slightly, a huge tidal wave of blubber moving with her.

"You boys want a good time?"

"God no." Lordy shuddered involuntarily.

"I'll pass, thanks," Aithel said as he slightly took a step back.

The prostitute took another step and the world trembled. "You sure? I know some moves that," she made a slurping sound, "could make you very happy." She made a hip humping gesture.

"Judge me now Lord," Lordy whispered as he backed away. "We have places to see, things to kill. Bye."

"Come on honey bunches! There's enough of me for everyone!"

He grabbed Aithel by the collar and hoisted the trembling jaguar in the air. As he flew over the woman, Aithel lashed out with extended claws and the whore fell screaming from the roof top, minus her three eyes.

They flew a safe distance before landing in a wide alleyway filled with graffiti and posters proclaiming Muadibb as the Great Leader. Neither talked about what they had seen.

Lordy led his demonic companion through a twist of alleyways and fire escapes. A few beggars pleaded for money but were silence with a slash of claws or a lunging bite but even that got boring after a while. The sun slowly sank into the cloud and appeared to be descending back to the ground. Finally Aithel stopped and scrutinized a graffiti art.

"We just past this an hour ago. We've been walking in circles!"

"I did it on purpose," Lordy quipped as he began tapping the brick wall to the far right.

"Why?"

"To make sure we weren't being followed," answered the daemon. He tapped a different sounding brick and grinned a fangy grin. He began to complete intricate tap patterns.

"Who would be following two demons in a dark alleyway?"

Lordy shook a claw. "Can never be too careful." He completed another pattern of tapping and the section of the alley wall slid to the side revealing a dark entrance. It would be dark for any normal eyed being but demons can see just as well in the night as in the day.

The duo dissolved their wings and sidled into the dark doorway.

*Muadibb is from the book Children of the Dune I believe but its spelled Muadib'b or something.

[Player of Fates]

IF
CHAPTER FOUR-CITY CITY-PART 2


Bills were high. Chinaren had no idea how many bills he had accumulated over the years. He should have never bought that pink elephant! He was so used to giving out bills instead of receiving them. He had to get his fables back, no matter what the cost! The orange furred Mayor paced nervously from one end of his bare living room to the other. Chinaren glanced down at the bright polished tile floor.

"Well, at least they haven't taken you."

"Excuse me sir?"

Chinaren glanced at a tall human holding a type of tool with a crude flat hook on one hand and what looked to be a pike on the other.

"Yes?"

"We're here to remove the tile."

The man fled as his own implement was thrown at him with deadly force.

Chianren sighed and slumped on the ground. He massaged his brow with furry orange digits and glanced at his Colex watch he had hidden in the folds of his coat. His informant should have been here twenty minutes ago. At that instant, a large pillar of smoke appeared followed by a loud sound that made Chinaren recoil in disgust.

Sasuke stepped out of the smoke, waving a dully scaled hand. "Wow, that was a breezy one."

"You're late," the bankrupt mayor growled. "You should have been here twenty minutes ago."

"Went to get a hot dog," the half dragon informed. He tucked a strange scroll back in its appropriate pouch and stared at Chinaren with interest.

"What're you staring at?"

"Sorry, just taking in this moment."

"What moment?"

"The moment where I'm richer than you."

The orange furred being leaped at the half dragon, intending to strange the life out of the young ninja. "Come 'ere you insolent little-!"

The half dragon laughed and expertly danced out of Chinaren's grasp. The young shinobi smoothed out a scale on his arm before coughing, signaling that a report was coming next.

"Alright, what have you gathered so far?" the Mayor asked.

Sasuke coughed again and cleared his throat. He hawked a lougie out the window and a cat hissed in horror and anger. A black feline sprang out of view, a wad of spit hanging from one drooping ear.

"Mr. Fluffles!" cried Chinaren.

"Oh relax, they'll probably repossess him too," assured Sasuke with a wave of a claw.

Sure enough, a van pulled up and a brutish looking elephant man snatched up the cat and tossed him roughly into the back seat. Chinaren stared with a bleak expression as the vehicle peeled out and sprayed gravel inside the open window to scatter around the tile.

"We have some new information on the thief. Looks like we finally got a Mage to scry something useful. It seems he saw a fairy."

The Mayor stood still for a moment, eyes slightly blank. He came back into focus and clenched his orange fists. "Do you have ANY idea how many fairies there are in IF!?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Hey, at least you narrowed it down a bit. We'll let you know if anything suspicious comes up."

Chianren sighed ad began to massage his forehead. He jerked his other thumb behind him into a small storage closet that had appeared out of nowhere. Magic Dust was still fading away from the doors.

"Payment's in there."

The half dragon clapped his hands gleefully and zipped over to the closet. He threw open the doors and rummaged inside. He finally pulled out a pink bow that was reserved for giant baby girls and tucked it under one scaly arm.

Chianren raised an eyebrow. "What the f-."

"SHUTUPSHUTUP!" Sasuke flew out the window fast than Chinaren could count money.

<> <> <> <>

Whitey was pressed against the wall with Whitey shivering close to him. His eyes bulged as a trio of monstrosities circles around them, their long green tentacles feeling the air like ever searching mandibles. The green skin that covered their bodies was pasty and seemed to reflect after images of utter nonsense. The biggest one stood on two legs. A female he guessed, judging by the lumps that made up its breast.

The mage was scared. He was surrounded by things of unknown boundaries and terrors. He was about to be ripped to pieces, right when he had gotten laid with Whitey whimpering at him to do something. AND he was naked.

'Be a man! Be a man!' he told himself as the nearest monster stepped forward, its spiked knuckles making cracks in the cement floor. It hissed. Meany screamed like a little girl.

Before Whitey could express her disappointment, one of the monsters leaped. His long tapered fingers ended in hooked talons and his tentacles flapped up to reveal a gaping maw filled with layers of sharp teeth.

On instinct, Meany let loose a blast of magic. 'Yes! The drugs faded!'

The thundering blue fireball struck the creature in the chest and threw it backs. It crashed into the metal table where previous business had been held and bent it in two.

"My love table!" the centaur wailed. She clip clopped forward but the mage pulled her back.

"Are you crazy! You'll be ki-"

Another monster leaped, seeking vengeance for the injured brother. It weaved under Whitey's four legs and struck Meany in the chest. The spikes jutting from its knuckles buried themselves in his shoulder and raked to the side, cutting flesh loose.

The mage shrieked in pain and fell over. The monster chuckled happily and was about to start forward when it received a hoof to the face.

Whitey stepped in front of her quivering lover and grabbed her rubber sex toy and gripped it tightly in one hand. Her once pretty white eyes were tinged with red and and her whimpers had become deep snorts of rage.

"NO ONE. NO ONE TOUCHES MY SNOOKY POO!"

With a screaming charge, she flattened a quivering monster flat with a rush of her iron hooves and sufficiently whacked the female thing with her wet phallus.

"Go get 'em, Gummi Bear," whispered Whitey before he faded into unconsciousness.

<> <> <> <>

It was raining in City Central. And when it rains, it pours, but in IF, i flooded. The streets and alleyways were ankle deep in the clear liquid that turned green and brown as it swept up the filth. Cars and carriages honked as each other as air fliers and beings using wings as a travel agent threaded through the dark sky in a hurry.

On the top of a high tower that made up one of the gothic looking churches crouched Lilith. Her katana was safely tucked away in its sheathe, sufficiently protected by the rain.

Water dripped from her red hair and she flicked the wet strands away from her strikingly pretty face.

She was dressed in tight black leather-pants, sleeveless shirt, and a long vest that trailed to her shapely thighs-, which gave a unprecedented advantage over male enemies.

Her cat like eyes watched the streets below with intense interest. She spotted him, or her, or it. Whatever it was, it was different, dangerous, even Evil.

Lilith had been tracking it for days. It would appear in the blink an eye, snatch an unsuspecting victim then disappear again. She had tried confronting it once but it had snapped its fingers a roaring pillar of green fire had made her flee.

But she had it now. It wouldn't escape. Fairy Magic was on her side. Lilith leaped from her towering perch and her vest trailed after her dramatically as the water splashed down on her head.

She plummeted, faster than any normal air flier could hope to travel. The ground zoomed up in front of her.

She wouldn't land in time. If she even tried to land feet all her bones would shatter. Suddenly, dragonfly like wings sprouted from her back and veered Lilith upwards, avoiding the drowning ground narrowly.

The hooded creature spotted her and jerked in surprise. It pushed aside a vendor trying to get to cover and took off into a black alley. Lilith followed, her katana unsheathed. It would not escape.

<> <> <> <>

Aithel found himself in a brightly lit den complete with a furnished desk a flaring purple fire in a neatly kept fireplace and a plasma tv screen mounted on the far right wall. The fire cast off a neat glow that seemed to fill the room with a cheery after taste.

The demon shivered in disgust. Lordy entered next and felt the presence in the room. Sighing, he snapped his fingers and the fire changed from a happy purple to a chilling black. Evil replaced the happy feel in the den.

Aithel sighed in comfort and made himself at home on the expensive leather couch next to the fire.

"SMUDGER!"

A lumbering hunchback quickly stepped out of the corner just coming down the stairs. He spotted Lordy and made a short bow. He made the same to Aithel.

Lordy coughed and tapped his clawed foot. Smudger sighed and bowed a little lower to the daemon. With his ego pleased, the daemon walked up to the ugly hunchback and slapped him.

"What do you think you're doing?" Lordy growled.

Smudger whimpered and clutched a bruised cheek. "What was that for!"

"How many times do I have to tell you! No happy glow glow! Bad Smudger! Bad! Boy!" He slapped the hunchback for emphasis.

He turned to Aithel and shrugged. "Sometimes my minion gets a little chilly in here and decides to change the Presence of the room."

"That would explain it," Aithel said as he cleaned a ivory talon.

Smudger bowed again. "My apologies, sir demon. I'll make sure to make this den as Evil as possible whenever you come in here."

Aithel offered a grunt in thanks and searched the leather couch for the remote. He looked behind the pillows and under the seats with no avail. Giving up, the jaguar arch demon rested a foot paw on one furry knee and glanced at the fire again.

Lordy sighed and rubbed his rock hard hands together accidentally creating sparks that fell on the carpet. "Now to business."

[Crossfire]

Hash! Albatross! Exclamation Mark, also!

Excellently written, chinaren and the dear Player of Fates... I wasn't aware that Whitey was a centaur... Yay for partial bestiality!

One minor point: <There are probably others, but I am far too lazy to find them and chinaren's writing equals, nay, surpasses my own in grammatical qualities., and spellingnesseseses, so it will probably be a fruitless search anyways.>

Quote:
"Isn't that from a book*?"

"What, the District?"

"No, no, Muaddibb."

I have no doubt that the missppellingg of Muaddib is deliberate, but oh noes! The asterix, it leads nowhere! *dramatic music plays, possibly Beethoven's Ninth, or Greensleeves*

Aoart from that, I can find no fault with it on a cursory glance, although it was never made quite clear that Whitey was a centaur in the last chapter and I am pretty sure there were some anatomically incorrect references in there also.

Changing someone's body from the waist down tends to do tha- WAIT A SECOND... How- *is abruptly muffled, then trails off into silence mysteriously as shadows drip liquidly from the sky around it and engulf it noiselessly to drag it to parts both horrific and unknown* :P

Additionally, I would like it if I could be in the next chapter in some form, preferrably not in a part written by chinaren, who I know full well takes a peverse delight in abusing anyone who has the utter misfortune to appear in one of his stories, including but not limited to himself. :P

For information, refer above, and for any mistakes you make I will complain accordingly. ;) I wouldn't mind it if you referred to me also, since I'm the most reliable source of information on the matter, but that is entirely up to you. It would be nice, though. :)

Try to make me grim, enigmatic and utterly serious. Any jokes at my expense will result in... unpleasantness. As I said, like the abilities on that link that I gave you in my last post, but far, far stronger and with a command of the elemental arcana. :)

My voice <pardon any poetic language beyond this point, please> echoes even unto infinity and resonates within the confines of the souls of those around me, or makes painfully aware of the lack thereof. It is not one voice, but many- countless, endless voices speaking in exact unison of manner and variety as multifarious as the stars- not necessarily human, or indeed humanoid, either.

I Speak in any tongue I wish, any tongue that fully Conveys in absolute clarity that Meaning which I wish it to Convey. My Meaning is made clear through images and telepathic contact- no matter what language I am speaking.

I will be Understood, even if my subject is deaf, or if I am in an enchantment of silencing, regardless. I Speak with stark beauty, power undreamt and grace unimaginable. I am a Sophist, a Speaker of Meaning, not Words. I simply... Communicate, now- with an absolute purity unattainable by any method of communication known to mortality. I Speak.

There, eloquent enough for ya? ;)

[Masterweaver]

Fateman. Huh. Yes, I know that IFian storys usually engage in that sort of...stuff... BUT THERE ARE CHILDREN WANDERING THE STREETS!

[Chinaren]

IFians commonly have at least two forms. One IFian form (such as Demon Lordy) and a more human appearance, for those polite tea-parties and suchlike.

[Crunchyfrog]

Very entertaining, but I am lost for the DP!

[Player of Fates]

While Meany and Whitey were getting busy, Whitey was in human form I suppose, but now that the things have attacked, centaur form. Hooves come in handy for smashing things.

Lol, sorry Weaver, I'll put up a warning on the saucy scene.

There are 4 (FOUR) parts to this chapter. I had to split them up. I'll let you guys in a little secret....I'm writing this as I go a long, I have no plot, no pre written chapters. So, uh, when I close the poll I'll just hit REPLY and start typing then just paste it on word for corrections.

So bare with me. :)

[The Meaning Of Fear]

Quote: Whitey was pressed against the wall with Whitey

Normally I wouldn't even bother telling you, most probably because of this SG, but I'm never one to miss an opportunity to show off...

And, just a little side note, if you won't stop the little "scenes", YOU ARE GONNA BURN IN HELL, MAN, BURN! :-x

[Player of Fates]

WARNING: CONTAINS A GRUESOME DEATH.

IF
CHAPTER FOUR-SACRIFICES-PART THREE

Oh, by the way. Chinaren has not written anything for the Fourth Chapter in any of the parts. Not yet anyways. The last part he probably will. :shock:

Alive Characters so Far
Kalanna Rai
Chinaren
Lilith
Aithel
Lordofthenight
Sasuke
The White Blacksmith
The Meaning of Fear

Introducing
Phang


The Imploders screamed in terror and horror as Whitey attacked with venom. She was a blur of motion, weaving and ducking, striking hard and fast with her peculiar weapon. Boeboe screeched and hollered as he dove to avoid the flailing hooves that sought to crush him like a cream cake under tires.

Dollie took a daring leap and was brought down by the absurdly thick and long phallus. He shrieked as his soft skull was split open spilling brains and black blood. Death by sex toy.

Boeboe shivered and shrilled at Shoolah. "This creature is a battle machine! Surely she must be the greatest of all-AGH!"

Boeboe ducked a seeking hoof and scrabbled over to the corner. He rebounded off the wall and completed a neat and stylish 360 drill pile drive. He was met with the long weapon and he knew no more.

The remaining Imploder hissed warnings at threats at the naked centaur. Her tentacles flared and waved menacingly in the air as she prepared herself for her final leap.

Whitey roared a challenge and galloped towards the waiting Imploder. She shot her arm downwards, intending to shove the dildo into Shoolah's eye. The centaur missed and watched in horror as the gangly monster leaped over her and landed next to the unconscious mage.

Blood seeped from the wound in his shoulder and Shoolah lapped at it. The liquid rejuvenated her, filled the monster with strength. Turning to the trembling Whitey, she squeezed Meany's head tightly in a green gnarled fist.

"Surrender and offer yourself to the Brethren," Shoolah hissed in a tone that seemed to strive for sultry. It sounded like fingernails running down a mile long chalkboard.

"Never!" Whitey cried in a heroic tone. "Release Lemon Drop at once!"

Shoolah blinked. "Lemon Drop?"

"You got a problem with my names, you fat shrew?"

The Imploder reared up and waved an insolent finger. "Don't be talking to me like that! You don't know me!" She shook her tentacles. "Lemon Drops just plain stupid!"

"Bitch, don't make me put the beat down on you!" Whitey growled as she raised her weapon.

"Ho, please." Shoolah dropped Meany unceremoniously and the mage's head cracked against the stone floor, jolting him into consciousness.

The Imploder leaped at Whitey and slammed into the half horse opponent. They promptly began slapping and clawing at each other while shrieking horrifying insults. Meany watched this with wide eyed interest.

<> <> <> <>

"Come with me, sirs," Smudger said as he beckoned the two demons to follow.

The daemon changed into his human form. He was dressed in old gladiator type of armor with an n iron chest plate and a snarling demonic visage at the front and a threaded loincloth made of leather and celestial bronze. A great sword was strapped to the back and the blade resonated Evil.

Aithel kept his jaguar god form and followed after Smudger.

The hunchback led the two underworld dwelling beings into a dark cellar. It was pitch black, the normal eye could perceive nothing and Smudger groped and fumbled for the light. He felt something soft and was about to squeeze when Lordy's voice echoed in the cellar.

"What are you doing?" The daemon's voice bordered on hysteria.

"I'm trying to find the light switch, sir." He squeezed hard, though still wondering when the switch had been so round and soft. There was a whimper of pain.

Aithel reached out and flicked a switch on the far right wall. A blue orb flickered on and flooded the torture chamber with light. The demon raised an eyebrow at his two companions. "Well I'll be..."

Smudger looked in horror at what he was clutching and quickly recoiled making retching sands while wiping his hands on the wet bloodstains on the ground. "I'm so sorry! Sorry sorry! I'll dip my hand in acid! I swear!"

Lordy was to shocked and embarrassed to punish his minion as he pulled his leather loincloth down more. He would be switching to pants soon.

"When you said minion, Lordofthenight, I assumed you meant just a regular henchman...not a uh---personal...lightswitcher."

"It was a mistake!" Lordy hissed, his black face becoming beet red.

Aithel nodded understandingly. "It's alright. It's alright. I'm mean, after a while, she demons can get kind of boring."

Smudger groaned and tapped the crowbar against the long steel table that held a quivering victim. The man was soaked in blood, various limbs missing his entrails spilling out of his neatly sliced abdomen. A red stained scapel was resting on the counter by the table.

He was gagged with a spit covered rag that dripped with acid. His lips had already been eaten away showing only thin muscle and bloody bone. His blue eyes were glazed, only knowing pain.

"The sacrificial victim is ready sir," announced Smudger. His voice shook slightly with a rising gorge and guilt.

"Hmmmm." Lordy tapped his spiked chin and walked around the victim. "Break his ankles."

The hunchback shuffled uneasily. "Sir, is that really necessary? I mean, shouldn't we just put him out of his misery?"

"What do I pay you for!"

"You don't pay me!"

"I pay you with cheese!"

Smudger broke the man's ankles. A little eagerly too. The human let out an unearthly shriek and fainted. Aithel growled and snapped his furry digits. The victim's eyes snapped wide open again and yelped from the new waves of agony that coursed through his body.

The daemon smiled at the screams and tossed a lump of yellow at his waiting minion. The hunchback pounced on it and began gorging himself in the dairy product.

Lordy rubbed his hands together, causing more sparks to fly. "Now, he's ready."

A dagger appeared out of thin air in the daemon's hand. It was curved and wavy, the edges finely shaped and sharpened. It would cut through steel. Lordy grabbed the man's head and wrenched it forward so that his crown was facing the daemon's face.

With a sickening piercing sound, Lordy plunged the knife hilt deep in the sacrifice's skull. He sawed open the man's shaking head and dug his claws inside to pull out the dying brain that dripped blood and clear matter. The daemon plopped the brain onto the counter.

Aithel watched this with undying interest and hunger. He quickly grabbed the brain off the stand and tossed it into his mouth. Smudger threw up his cheese.

Lordy plunged his whole arm down the man's skull. With a simple tug, Lordy tore out the victim's entire spinal cord complete with the clattering and blood soaked vertebrae. He quickly hissed a spell and the human's fleeing soul was bound to the cords of nerves and bone that dangled from Lordy's hand.

"Nice," the jaguar demon muttered as he basked in the wails of the tortured soul.

<> <> <> <>

In the dark part of Skiffyville two figures converged on a glass walkway hanging over a gushing river. Droids and hover cars sped above them, making the resonant humming the background sounds for the meeting.

The first, a tall anamorphic lizard with a peculiar color pattern licked his dry lips with a fork tongued. The second, a woman with flowing purple hair and shapely hips watched this with disgust.

"Ever consider getting a normal tongue?" she said.

The lizard shook his head and blinked twelve times within a millisecond. "Nope."

"Back to business. I've drawn the summoning portal. It's in the City Palace, on the ball room floor."

The lizard blinked several more times and raked a claw against the metal rail. "Won't that be kind of obvious? Anyone can see it!"

The woman sighed in exasperation. "I'm not stupid. It's under the new tile."

Nodding in acceptance, the lizard man tipped his cowboy hat at his partner. "Good work. The master will be pleased."

<> <> <> <>

The torture chamber was filled with crackling lightning and dark clouds. The black mist seeping and flooding the entire room sent deathly chills down the hunchback's spine. He had to get out of here. He had to get out of here fast.

Smudger edged to the back door and found it locked. Cursing vehemently, Smudger waited in the corner for his certain doom. 'What have I gotten myself into this time?'

Aithel and Lordy stood in the middle of the dark vortex, watching as the glowing portal in the wall yawned wider like a waking giant. A form shot out of the hole and skidded across the stone work of the floor. The portal snapped shut behind it and a large flash of purple.

Phang stood shakily on her feet. The demoness was covered in numerous gashes that bled black and red. An arm was missing and the sub dripped black into a growing puddle of life liquid. She staggered, her purple hair falling past her waist.

She glanced at a wide eyed Aithel and waved at him. "Hey there handsome." Phang glanced at Lordy. " You could have just called my cell."

She collapsed in a heap of quivering limbs as Lordy rushed to her side.

<> <> <> <>

The cold steel nipped the cloaked creature's neck deep inside its hood. Lilith slowly reached out and relieved the man of his staff and removed the hood. It revealed a normal enough looking face devoid of any kind of emotion.

Rain pounded above them as it splashed into the alleys and swept away the left trash and dead bodies from previous nights. Lilith lifted her foot and let a half eaten burrito float past her.

"Alright, spill."

The man's mouth didn't move as a he spoke. "What're you talking about? You crazy, lady."

Llilith was about to threaten him when the man spoke again. "Of course," he made a show of running his soulless eyes over Lilith's alluring frame. "I can tell you anything you want to know, for a price of course. No fables required."

He yelped when the blade bit deeper. A line of blood trickled down his throat. Gone was the cloaked man's humorous tone, replaced by a chilling and forceful voice.

"You'll pay for that, fairy."

The sword wielding fairy tossed her red hair back and winked at the man. "I doubt it." She pressed the blade closer and leaned into the man's face. "Why are the fairy land's in a mess!"

He laughed. "What makes you think I'm responsible?"

Lilith growled a curse under her breath then spoke aloud. "Woman's intuition." More blood trickled from the man's throat as the steel sawed deeper into flesh.

The man held up his hands and let out a shaky laugh. His vibrating throat made the edge slide against the skin even further and more blood dripped. He didn't notice.

"Such an inquisitive little thing," he muttered softly. His lips still didn't move.

"Answer. The. Question," Lilith growled between clenched teeth. The rain was still falling and her high heeled boots were getting wet.

"All the fairies in the land in their boundless wisdom can't even fathom what is coming." His voice changed from a human tone to something beastly with a lizard's hiss underneath. "IF will fall."

Lilith watched with surprised curiosity as the man's skin bubbled and slid off like he was shedding. In fact, he was shedding. Like a spider leaving it's shell.

The man now had tiny scaled that were so small and closely linked that it looked as if it was smooth green skin. His face remained somewhat human but there was something, demonic, about it.

"US will fall. Then, the rest of the worlds." His new clawed hand grabbed Lilith's sword and twisted it like croissant. "IF is just a small fly caught in the web. The Fairy Lands will be the first to go. Agents are already there, my children will be feasting."

Before the fairy could reply the breath was knocked out of her by a battering ram of force. She flew back and smashed into the smooth brick wall of the alley. Bricks and rubble crumpled around her as she slid downwards.

"You'll be first blood."
---------

God, this is a horrible chapter, but all I can do right now. I have NO WORD to save this on so I have to write it out real quick. I'll come back later and edit it. Talk to you all later and sorry for the mess.

[Masterweaver]

So Lil is out hunting criminals, when all of the sudden, whitey and meany burst out of a warehouse *ahem* and Lil's prey escapes. My suggestion.

[Player of Fates]

IF
CHAPTER FOUR-EXPLODING THINGS-PART FOUR (FINAL)

Phang sat up in the bed and blinked groggily. Her hand unconsciously went to her left arm to feel the bloody stub. Instead she felt the whole elbow and her dainty forearm complete with wiggling digits. Thank the devils for magic.

The demoness slipped out of bed then stopped as she looked down at herself. 'Naked. Not so good,' Phang thought.

She looked around the bare room and spotted a wardrobe. She rushed over, slapped on a long red dress meant for ball room parties and took in a deep breath.

"LORDDDDDDDDDY!!!"

The daemon appeared in a flashy puff of smoke accompanied by a hulking demon in the form of a anamorphic jaguar who was Aithel.

"Aithel?"

The jaguar coughed in his throat and looked around nervously. "Hello dearest."

Phang bristled. "Don't try it! You said you were going to call!"

Aithel stammered nervously. What was he to say? The demon shrugged. "I was busy?"

The daemon was at a loss as he glanced over at the two demons, one starking mad the other obviously nervous. "You two know each other?"

"Barely."

Phang shrieked, outraged. "You proposed to me!!!"

The jaguar demon began stuttering again before Lordy sighed and waved his hand for both of them to shut up.

"Look, we have a situation. What I want to know is," he pointed a clawed finger at Phang, "Is why you came out of the Hole broken, bleeding and missing an arm!"

The demoness blinked as the painful memory rushed back into her head. She winced as pangs of pain afterimages flashed through her head. The Hordes, Dorloeth, the lightning. She shuddered.

"Dorloeth and the Hordes," she whispered. "I was looking on a lead for something. Seems I touched forbidden ground."

Lordy stiffened and Aithel groaned aloud. Lordy massaged his horned brow and thought furiously. 'Dorloeth? Impossible! He hasn't been active in EONS!'

Aithel scraped a talon against the wall. "If he's in this whole, End of the worlds thing, we'll need some major firepower."

"Indeed," muttered the daemon. "The Underworld is playing a large role in this. The Skyla, the Hordes. I think we have Rebellion in progress here."

"What? Rebellion?" Phang shook her pretty head and let the purple hair whip around to rest on her shoulder. "Someone clue me in here."

"I've noticed a disturbance in the planes. Unnatural shifting. Three worlds," he raised three fingers. "Have winked out. Simultaneously. Their Underworlds surged with power for an instant then vanished." He clapped his hands then continued.

"I gathered Aithel here. He has some experience in Rebellions."

The jaguar demon nodded vaguely. "Yep. The last one didn't go to well, and this was ages before IF and its predecessor was raised. Gor had been getting restless so he decided to wage a rebellion against the Outer Planes. He was killed in the final battle."

Phang frowned. "This is weird. The Abyss has been pretty quiet lately. There's no signs of such stirring."

"Maybe it's only a select group?" offered Aithel.

"Maybe..." Lordy mumbled.

Smudger walked out from a wall and offered a tin plate full of refreshments. "Lemonade?"

<> <> <> <>

A cloud floated above IF. It was large and almost exactly proportioned like a square and in the center seemed to be a shadow like something was sitting a top it. Something indeed was.

A castle in the sky to use the term loosely. It floated above the City like a silent watcher and guardian. Made of polished stone and wood, it was fortified and protected by the strongest magiks. In the highest tower of the highest level sat Crossfire.

She was messing with her altimeter when an hooded figure quietly opened the door and bowed before her, his head low. "Mistress, a letter." He offered a thin maniall envelope

The being that had taken the form of a elegant woman resembling an elf nodded at the servant and he quickly fled the room, the skirt of his robes in his grimy hands.

Crossfire examined the letter she had taken from her servant, turning it over in her hands. She sensed no malice in it. Raising an eyebrow, she tore open the letter and pulled out a blank piece of paper.

Suddenly, words began to form on the front. They were stylishly written in cursive and lettered with blank ink.

"Dear Crossfire,

One...Two...Three...Boom."

The castle in the sky exploded in a mystical ball of blue, green, yellow and black fire. The huge white cloud contracted then began to spread around the flying ruins and envelop it like a tight bag. This detail escaped most of the IFians below. Another weird occurrence in IF. Nothing to worry about.

Inside the ball of vapor, amidst the flaming ruins of her castle, Crossfire still sat in her chair twirling a lock of hair in her white fingers.

"Well that was stupid."

The mighty being rose from her chair and it crumbled to dust. She let the ashes of the paper fall from her hands. She was going to put a whole new meaning in 'Return to Sender.'

<> <> <> <>

The world was in a boiling cauldron of color. Lilith couldn't concentrate on anything as the alley she was in spun around her like a crazy top. She tried to focus on the approaching figure but couldn't.

The lizard smiled at Lilith's crumpled form and laughed a avaricious laugh. "Stupid fairy."

He stretched out his scaly arm and the water swirled beneath it. Then, in a inverted whirlpool of water, a sword made of the contaminated liquid appeared in the man's outstretched hand.

The watery edge hardened into nearly unbreakable ice while the flat remained the chilly and dirty liquid. The hilt became like cold stone and the pommel reflected invisible light inside of it.

"Are you ready to meet your creator, dear?" asked the lizard in a rough tone. He raised the sword of water high above his head. "I, Donky, claim your pathetic life."

<> <> <> <>

Lordy suddenly jerked his head out of the heated discussion. His horns slightly slipped lower as he frowned.

"Somethings wrong."

Aithel sniffed the air then probed the planes. "No, I can't sense any unusual activity."

"Not with the plains," the daemon snarled. He opened his hand and the great sword strapped to his back appeared in his hand. It cried out for blood, literally.

With a salute, the daemon waved his sword at Phang and promptly disappeared. After a few moments of stunned silence, he reappeared, grabbed a cup of lemonade, then disappeared again.

Aithel looked at his ex-lover in confusion.

"Lilith," Phang answered simply.

To any regular IFian, it would have explained it all.

<> <> <> <>

Donky brought his sword crashing down, intending to split the fallen fairy in two. To his surprise, his edge was met by another sword, this one much sharper. The red steel cut cleanly through his own blade and he ducked to avoid the rest of it.

Recoiling, Donky and reformed his liquid weapon even stronger and glared at the daemon standing in front of him.

The lizard raised an eyebrow. "Nice loincloth."

"Thanks," Lordy growled.

They both leaped at the same time and their swords met once again. They fought furiously, the daemon caught off guard by the lizard's abnormal strength that matched his own.

Strange colored sparks leaped into the air to perform the intricate dance that mimicked their creators' below.

Lordy and Donky were a whirl of movement, the blades an extension of their arms. Bricks walls on both sides shattered from the sonic booms that echoed from their resounding parries and blocks.

It could have gone on for centuries. The were equally matched despite the Donky's stronger arms. Lordy was still faster. Their blades nicked and cut at each other, sending chips of magic ice and steel spinning in the alley. They battered at each other relentlessly never giving ground, not that they could in the cramped alley.

The sonic blasts became stronger and more intense. If it were not for Lilith's fairy ears, her head would have exploded. An unfortunate cat was not so lucky. Its blood sprayed into Donky's eye and made the supernatural lizard flinch in surprise.

The daemon didn't waste the opening. With a sweeping uppercut, he chopped off Donk'y sword arm. The lizard didn't even utter a grunt of pain or surprise.

He simply backed off and allowed his sword to dissolve into liquid as his black blood mixed with the swirling water below.

"You win this time, demon," Donky snarled.

"It' daemon," Lordy hissed irritably.

"Whatever." The lizard waved his green hand and a portal appeared in the wet air. Before the daemon could react, Donky leaped into the portal and it snapped shut.

Ignoring his opponent's escape, Lordy rushed to his lovers side. He gently plucked her up in his muscle corded arms.

"Would you please stop flexing," Lilith said as she winced. "You're hurting my back."

"My apologies, Lambchop."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh, Lilith."

"Much bet-get your hand off my butt!"

Lordy pouted and slid his hand up to Lilith's lower back again. "Will you be alright?"

The fairy didn't nod or shake her head. She closed her eyes for a minutes, gathering strength for another sentence. "We must go to Fairy Land."

((((((DP))))))

Finally, a DP! :shock: but leaves some questions unanswered. Like; Who wins the catfight between Shoolah and Whitey?

Alright, does Lordy* agree to accompany Lilith to Fairy Land to handle the threat or stay in IF to battle the strange forces gathering?

*and company

[Kalanna Rai]

Quote:
Alive Characters so Far
Chinaren
Lilith
Aithel
Lordofthenight
Sasuke
The White Blacksmith
The Meaning of Fear

Introducing
Phang




So I'm dead* now? WTF!






*was I ever really alive to begin with

[The Meaning Of Fear]

I thought cross was a guy. Not that he would tell anyone. If we asked, he'll crap on about him being a shapeshifter, Etc.\

Now, that bit with Aithel once proposed to Phang really surprised (Not to mention amused) me. It feels good to watch someone else get humiliated...

Quote: "Lilith," Phang answered simply.

To any regular IFian, it would have explained it all.

You're right on this one, hehe. However, I think you will be getting one of those letters that go boom yourself, VERY soon.

DP: Lordy should agree to go with lilith (Maybe asking for some "Benefits"), and persuades others to come with em.

[Masterweaver]

It turns out the shoolah and whity are old collage roomates, and they stop fighting.

[LordoftheNight]

Would mentioning that Phang and I had a wild fling - she paid me for services - back in the days of Greed be helpful here?

[Player of Fates]

Kalanna Rai wrote: Quote:
Alive Characters so Far
Chinaren
Lilith
Aithel
Lordofthenight
Sasuke
The White Blacksmith
The Meaning of Fear

Introducing
Phang




So I'm dead* now? WTF!






*was I ever really alive to begin with

I'm sorry dearest, I completely forgot to add you. You're on the list now.

Yes Lordy, I read that Demon's Reward chapter, you and YOUR BIG LOUD CAPITAL WORDS!!!!

O.o Whatever happened Phang's baby? Plus, she's a demoness who's mellowed down some, lowered her standards.

But that's going to help though, thanks Lordy.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

lordofthenight wrote: Would mentioning that Phang and I had a wild fling - she paid me for services - back in the days of Greed be helpful here?

Don't do a Greed crossover, Plates, C'ren will charge you for it.

[Smudger]

I think Lordy should volunteer his valued minion to go with Lilith, ie ME!!!!!!

[Player of Fates]

Sorry for the wait. Poll is up!

[Guest]

I only shudder at how I'm going to be tied into this. Oh and I thought I told you not to mess with my stolen fables!

[Player of Fates]

Holy Shitzu, the ice cream monster is winning. Most unexpected...

I'll be gone throughout Friday-Monday so, on Tuesday the chapter will hopefully be up. While I'm gone, I'll soak in a bubble bath, finish off a whole bottle of vodka in under twenty minutes, and wander the streets in a drunken stupor smashing streetlights with an aluminum bat. Then, I'll sleep with the first woman I see. I hope you will all do the same. You stay classy IF.*

*props to whoever guesses where I got that from.

[Mastermind]

An excellent story, this one. Can't wait to see more of it.

Voted for the first option, and made a tie. :( My most humblest apologies.

[Player of Fates]

lol, looks like the chapter might be coming later than I expected. It's cool MM, gives me more time to rest. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were pretty awesome and energy taking. :P : D

[Player of Fates]

Poll's been closed, I'll start on the next chappy when I have the time.

[Player of Fates]

Sorry guys. I don't have WORD and will just edit the rest of the chapter in. Sorry!

IF
Chapter Five-Land of Dairy Products

"You must go with me to the Fairy Lands!" breathed Lilith. The fairy shivered and Lordy hoisted her higher in his arms.

He mulled her quote over. The Fairy Lands? Demons weren't exactly well loved in the fairy lands, especially since that last drunken rampage he had...

The daemon chuckled. Good times, good times.

"What was that?"

"Huh, oh nothing!" stammered Lordy. He let his hand slip a little lower, accidentally of course. "Well, if there was some type of...reward I might accompany you on this dangerous journey."

Lilith frowned and touched her bleeding shoulder. "I don't have much gold..."

"Wasn't talkin' about that, honeybunch."

The fairy's eyes widened and a slap echoed in the wet alley. A drunk leaning against the stained brick wall to the left snapped from his alcohol induced slumber, looked around, farted then went back to sleep.

Before Lordy had time to touch his throbbing cheek, a rather large ice cream cone broke through the alley wall in a shower of dirt, grime, filth and lots and lots of bricks.

Lilith groaned as a tidal wave of red stones hurtled at her. "I'm missing Oprah for this?"

<> <> <>

"SONUVABI-"

"Control yourself sir!"

Chinaren picked up his desk and threw it at the nearest black clad mammal. The monkey easily dodged out of the way and retreated to the far corner of the ceiling. There was a loud crash and a small shower of splintered wood.

The elephant like accountant sneezed and made haste to try to pin his boss's arms down. "Killing the monkeys will not help our situation, Mayor Chinaren!"

The biggest elite monkey ninja in the seven mammal group stepped forward. His brown fur peeked out of his black leather and cotton ninja suit and then he proceeded to beat his chest and hoot.

The accountant adjusted his glasses and made sure Chinaren was calmed down. "Jojo says that he and his clan does not appreciate your behavior and would have you cease and desist."

The orange financially inept being folded his thick arms and glared at JoJo. "You can tell JoJo that he can throw him and his clan off a cliff with iron pipes shoved up their holes."

The accountant stuck up his middle finger.

There was much hissing and hooting and the second largest EMN scampered forwards and turned his rear in Chinaren's direction. He proceeded to scratch.

"Why you little!" The Mayor leaped at the monkey and missed. His chin banged against the tile floor and he leaped up quickly, blubbering indignation. He swayed on his feet, tears leaking down his fur.

The elephant like being patted his employer's shoulder as he sobbed. "Now now, it's all right."

"I can't t-take much more-more of this," said Chinaren between sniffles and tears. "My own monkey's don't s-show respect."

"We'll find the thief sir, quite all right."

Wailing, the Mayor collapsed onto his knees. "The only source of incoming is that anonymous idearanium buyer! Look what I've sunk to!"

Nodding reassuringly, the accountant shooed the group of ninja's out. "Continue to find information! Be gone!"

"Would've never guessed it..."

Chinaren and his comforter whirled around in surprise. A tall man with rather large stunner shades stared at them with a frown. A peek of fangs glinted from his upper lip. Purple and black shadows swathed around him like different cloaks and a disturbing aura emanated from him.

"Crossfire?"

In his anger, Crossfire changed to a female form, complete with a flowing purple dress and auburn red hair. "Why would you have me dead, hm?"

Chinaren scowled. "What? Are you crazy? I haven't talked to you in years!"

A ball of flame flashed in Crossfire's open palm. "The EL* came from here, Mayor!"

The accountant by this time had let go of his employer and was slowly edging away from the two. His actions did not go unnoticed.

Chinaren whirled around and grabbed him by his scrawny neck. "Where are you going?"

"How dare you touch me stupid mortal!" boomed the elephant thing in a much deeper voice than was normal. He flicked his wrist and the bankrupt Mayor flew into a wall. Plaster and paint cracked and fell to the floor around him.

Crossfire's eyes widened. "You!"

The small ex-accountant laughed. "Yes, it is I! Susie the god of Corruption!"

Crossfire frowned. "Susie?"

"I had a sex change."

"Ah."

<> <> <> <>

A fist made of 700 degrees below zero triple fudge complete with sprinkles smashed into the area where Lordy and Lilith had previously been.

"What is that!" screamed Lilith.

The daemon dodged a vanilla spike that was shot from the depths of the waffle cone and rebounded off the alley wall. "Its Googa the great Cream Demon for the Land of Dairy Products!"

Lordy grunted in exertion as he dodged another flying fist, cookies and cream this time. "Have you been putting on some wait, love?"

The fairy raised her hand to give Lordy a good knuckle to face reunion then stopped. 'Save it for later,' Lilith told herself.

"Kill it!" Lilith screeched. A large chunk of the alley wall came down in a confusion spray of rubble.

The ice cream monster roared and little bits of waffle cone snowed the floor. Lordy leaped forward, tossing Lilith across his broad shoulder. There was a rushing ringing sound as the daemon swiftly drew his sword.

It glowed with hot energy and easily sliced into the putty flesh of Googa. The dairy demon roared and batted the two away before the sword could be withdrawn. Lory watched in horror as his favorite blade sank deep into the creamy flesh of Googa.

The ice cream demon stretched out a fudge flavored right hand and a long red sword grew in place of the clenched fist. It was an exact replica of the daemon's lost sword except sherbet flavored and much much longer.

"My sword!" wailed Lordy.

"There! What's that!?" Lilith pointed to a glowing portal flashing blue and white lights. It was floating abut twenty feet high above them.

"A gateway! And our ticket out of here!"

In a flash of leathery wings they were up up and away.

<> <> <> <>

Whitey had the female's Imploder's head between her two hands. With a sickening crunching sound, the head smashed into the very hard floor and so ended the fight.

The victor sighed and wiped the bloody hands on her shapely thighs before turning towards her unconscious lover. She quietly walked over to him and gently prodded him with a finger.

"Booboocake? Wake up..."

Meany moaned and rolled over.

Whitey frowned and poked him ever harder. "Wake up Dear."

The magic user mumbled something about boobs and whipped cream before Whitey gave him a sharp slap. It woke him up completely. Yelping, Fear sat up straight and was immediately transfixed with the awesome sights below Whitey's collar bone.

"No time for that now, honey bunches," said Whitey. She grabbed her slightly dazed lover and dragged him to his feet. "Make quick and summon us a steed or something."

"Wha-? Why?" The magic user shook his head. "What were those things."

"I don't know but we have to-" The centaur in human form frowned and craned her smooth neck. She could hear them, slobbering and running, their claws scraping against steel and stone.

"CRAP! There a horde of them! Hurry Meany!" At that instant, the obvious sound of talons sliding against the wall outside reached both of their ears.

The man fumbled and felt his body. "Oh wait, pockets are in the robes! No time!" The door buckled under a ferocious blow.

Words of power streamed from Meany's lips as he drew flashing Runes in the empty air. The signs writhed and twisted like live snakes under a levitation spell. They grew brighter and brighter, eye blinding and burning their after images in the retinas of a still staring Whitey.

"Hold on!" screeched Meany. He grabbed his lover's forearm and a large black horse the size of a school bus galloped out of nowhere. With a toss of its thick neck, he tossed the duo and thundered out of the warehouse.

They met no resistance from the walls and passed right through them, ghosts in the wind. And so the two escape in a flurry of hooves, yelps, and blood. Both were still stark naked.

<> <> <> <>

Key, with much difficulty, hoisted himself off his large throne and rolled himself over to the balcony window that overlooked much of IF. A tall woman lacking any garment that covered more that three inches of what they were supposed to clothe tagged along.

The King stroked his chin. "The Ball will start soon!"

"I'm sure it'll be a blast, sire," responded the whore.

"It was your idea, Butterscotch. I should have celebrated my kingsmanship like this long ago."

"Your greatness inspired me sir," said Butterscotch ever humble. "It starts in two days, yes?"

Key nodded in confirmation and scratched his blue whale sized thigh. "Yes yes. This will be so much fun." He clapped his fingers excitedly, the many rings making ringing sounds as they connected with each other. It was like big chunks of metallic ham slapping together.

Butterscotch gave a small smile, an Evil smile. Key turned away from her watch a bird fly by, just for a instant. It was enough to miss the red flash of her slitted eyes.

<> <> <> <>

"It's a land flowing with milk and honey!" Lilith paused. "Well, milk at least."

The two companions were standing on a large healthy hill covered in bright green grass made of peppermint ice cream that seemed to whistle in the wind. It overlooked a wide expansion of fertile plains that were something out of a perfect painting. Beyond that was a great forest that seemed to carry in the winds of the scent of chocolate milk.

Lordy was looking down with distaste at a large river made of creamy milk. It bubbled and small frozen bits floated pleasantly in the middle.

The great fields and valleys and of the Land of Dairy Products seemed to emanate happiness and joy. The daemon felt like he was going to throw up.

Lilith sniffed the air. "Do you smell cheese?"

The daemon frowned and gave a hesitant sniff. "Cottage. Yes...where is the YOW!" The arrow bounced off his chest and dissolved into the ground they stood on.

Another arrow thudded into his chest making him jump in surprise. He grabbed at it and raised it to eye level. The shaft was made of regular birch wood but the arrowhead was made of the finest quality cheese.

"Wow, you got to be pretty stupid to make weapons out of cheese," Lilith commented. She held up her own arrow souvenir. "Who's shooting these?"

"Obviously the Moo people," chuckled Lordy.

At that moment a cow standing on its hind legs like a man rose from the deep depth of the ice cream hill holding a wickedly sharp spear of frozen fruit. Seven more rose up to the right and left of it.

Lilith cocked her pretty head. "That's not a dairy."


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*Exploding Letter

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So sorry for the short chapter but it would have been unfinished forever. I'm working Sunday and all next week. :( Wouldn't have time to write anything so had to finish it now before I go to work.

The DP is what do Lordy and Lilith do, also, does being in the Dairy Land affect their abilities and if so, how? Have fun1 By that, think of something crazy, but not too crazy, which means you Weaver.

[Guest]

Damn Fates, Lilith is going to kill you when she reads this. It's been nice knowing you and oh, I haven't seen any replies on AcDarchazhan. You got your damn furry animal.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

Omg... OMG! Man! Did you really have to do that last sentence? I'll never hear the end of this... :(

What's the DP?

[Guest]

*watches Meanie* Ah, I'm glad I'm not being humiliated