City of IF

[Fats_Masterson]

The Official History of Creation

What we know of our history lays shrouded in darkness. The darkness of evil and of ignorance. From the scraps of knowledge that survived the Contagion and nearly a thousand years of weathering and information gained from spirits, we have discovered little. We know that evil Sorcerers, using bizarre and inhuman rituals, stole the powers of the Mightiest spirits in the sky, the sun, moon, and stars, and used these powers to enslave humanity. We know these sorcerers as the Anathema, wicked men and women who have sold their souls to the alien and demonic Yozi.

It was as the Anathema were gaining power that the Elemental Dragons decided to do something to stop them. The Five Elemental Dragons each called forth the best and most spiritually evolved of humanity and blessed them with a portion of their power. These were the first of the Dragon-Blooded Exalted, the beginning of the Dynasty.

The Anathema were taken by surprise at the appearance of a spiritually superior foe. Their leaders were vanquished and the rest were driven past the edges of Creation into the Wyld, where the rules of Creation cease to have meaning. The Dynasty, young and inexperienced, left the weirding night-magi (the Anathema who possessed the Moon and Stars power) to die in the Wyld. How very wrong they were, and how terrible the price they paid. The night-magi did not die in the Wyld, as everything else in Creation should, they thrived. Again, using their demonic powers and guerrilla tactics from within the Wyld, they attacked and crippled the fledgling Realm. Had the Host had time to react they would have defeated these minor annoyances but it was at this time that the Dragon-Blooded, and all of humanity, were forced to pay the price for the Anathema escaping. And what a terrible price.

It came in the form of the Great Contagion. It was a plague, the most virulent plague that Creation had ever seen. It was highly contagious, one hundred percent lethal, and it spread through creation like wildfire. No on was safe and by the time the disease had run it's course 9 out of 10 people lay dead from the disease. As mankind and Exalt breathed in and saw that the dying had stopped, a new menace reared it's ugly head. The Fair Folk, sensing the weakness in Creation, launched a full scale attack on Creation. The Fae surged into Creation, riding fantastic creatures and wielding impossible weapons, overwhelming the already battered and defeated populace. Humanity had nothing else they could do, they fled. They turned and ran inwards, towards the Blessed Isle. Huge tracks of land were swallowed up by the ever-shifting nature of the Wyld. Today, it is estimated that almost a full third of Creation, in the First Age, was absorbed into the Wyld. Armies of barbarians and Fair Folk flooded into the Threshold, destroying many of the small pockets of humanity that managed to survive the Contagion. It was only the intervention of the Scarlet Empress that finally drove the Fae back into the Wyld.

The Scarlet Empress forced open an ancient Manse of one of the long dead Anathema, bent the device to her supreme will and activated it's defenses. Stories and official documents all report that throughout Creation beams of red light laced through the sky and across the ground, incinerating any of the invaders they touched. The Fae faltered, then began fleeing back towards the Wyld.

For the last seven hundred and fifty years the Scarlet Empress has ruled over the Dynasty and all of Creation. She rules from the Blessed Isle, in the center of Creation. To the west of the Blessed Isle is the endless expanse of the Western Ocean. To the north, east, and south, lays the Threshold. The Threshold is a huge lawless territory between the Blessed Isle and the Wyld. The Wyld surrounds everything.

*****************************************************

Ok, guys, there is it. This is the world of a new SG I will be starting soon. It is based upon the "Exalted" series of RPG's published by White-Wolf Studios, (Which, I think, is one of the best RPG systems out there). More details are coming, I promise. I just wanted to get this up quickly to see what kind of feedback there is.

[Meranos]

Nice... is the scarlet empress good or evil I can't tell... lost focus... anyways, nice start, nice background, and what is this "Exalted series of RPG's published by White-Wolf Studios,."? or is it "Exalted" series of RPG's published by White-Wolf Studios.,? Sorry if I sound like a critical critic. (I dislike those people, they give me a low self-esteem.) :smile:

[Masterweaver]

Whoa.

I think that whatever you have in mind is going to be well-thought out...

[Fats_Masterson]

Please don't think I have made this all up. The "Exalted" series is well written, well thought out, and has a beautiful world to interact in. That is one of the reasons I like it so much.

As for the Scarlet Empress, we do not know if she is good or evil, yet. She is however the sole leader and Figurehead of the Dynasty. She has ruled supreme across Creation, since the time of the Contagion. The "Official History" above is also extraordinarily biased towards the Dynasts and the Scarlet Empress herself. This is intentional. The Scarlet Empress has ruled over almost every aspect of everyone's lives for the last 750 years.

What makes the question of, "Is she good or evil?", so difficult to answer it that the Scarlet Empress does what she does to ensure that Creation and Humanity continue to exist.

Hope that answers some questions, and raises a few more. If anyone has other questions post them here and I'll do my best to answer them.

I also hope to have the Main Character and a description of the Characters home village posted within a few days.

[Masterweaver]

I don't suppose you would pay for... donated characters?

[Fats_Masterson]

I would love to pay for donated characters, but being as I only have 800 fables to my name I could probably only pay 20 fables for a fully fleshed out Character. And I'm fairly creative myself.

If you have suggestions for characters you'd like to see, I'll be more than happy to see if I can fit them in. If your looking for a way to make fables without posting a huge in-depth character, well then, sorry guys I just don't need that kind of help.

I am currently in the middle of creating my main Character, if you want to see a certain kind of character or have him/her have a certain power I will do my best to include it in the SG.

[Masterweaver]

There are stranger things in the Wyld then the fey...

Glondrong is a spidron, a rare and unheard of creature who can weave webs of the Wyld's strange laws of physics wherever he goes. Until recently, howver, he was content with eating fairys. Until recently, he was not captured and tourtured by the fairy noble family known as Genthrak. Now, under pain of death, he has sworn to serve the family. And yet, these humans, they somehow seem... familiar....

I'll accept my twenty fables now.

[Fats_Masterson]

Um...good Idea Masterweaver, however, The Wyld is not something I plan on going into at first. We are going to start with our feet planted firmly in Creation.

I also remember saying I'd pay 20 fables for a fully fleshed out character, Glongdrong isn't. It's an idea for a race in a world whose rules haven't even been explained yet. This being said I like the idea and as I explain the Wyld in the SG I may include Gongdrong in the story. He would take some tweeking to make him fit into the cosmology of Exalted and to obey the weird rules of the Wyld, and I am willing to work on it. However, the Wyld is a hugely complex world of it's own. I am planning to delve into the Wyld but until I explain it more can we please leave the Fair Folk and the Wyld alone.

Also let me clarify, I would love to pay for characters, but being that I am poor and that I love building characters, I can't pay for them. Suggestions only please. (I also haven't even began to scratch the surface of the Supernatural world of Exalted so please can we keep it to mortal characters.

[Fats_Masterson]

Ok, I feel that time has come for some decisions to be made. I've been working out plot details and characters but now I want your guys input.

Now the world of Exalted is a primal one of high adventure and fantasy. Here you'll find barbarians and peasants, monsters and demons, mages, demigods all struggling for their place in the world. Atop it all sits the Scarlet Empire, the Dynasty of Terrestrial Exalts that controls all of Creation. The Scarlet Empress sat on the Imperial Throne for over 700 years setting up the Great Houses, pitting one against the others in complex webs of favor and politics. She made sure that no one House could ever rival her power by constantly undermining the power of the Houses.

The Empress also controlled the Wyld Hunt. Using powerful magic and oracles the Empress and her top administrators located and tracked the reincarnated souls of the dead Anathema. These unfortunates, new to their power, would be no match for the elite troops send out to capture and exterminate them. For 700 years the Wyld hunt never failed. The Anathema dedicated to the Sun were all but wiped out. The few that would reincarnate would be easily slain by the Wyld Hunt. Those dedicated to the moon were driven to the wyld itself and have not been seen since. Those dedicated to the stars have vanished, none have been seen since before the Contagion.

This was the way of things. Five years ago the Empress disappeared. The fact has remained hidden from the common populace, many believe that she has retired to her personal Manse to reflect on the matters of today. Since she has disappeared the Houses have begun fighting, for territory, power, and the Throne. The Wyld hunt is no longer omnipotent without her guidance, it returns now in failure as often as victory. The Empire is crumbling and it's enemies sense it.

The Dead, ruled by the cruel beings known as the Deathlords, rise up against the living. Huge tracts of land are partially swallowed into the underworld in horrific areas known as shadowlands.

Barbarians led by the Lunar Exalted, and the Fair Folk, are increasing their raids and becoming bolder with the realms lack of response.

In Heaven, the Celestial Hierarchy has become corrupt and inefficient in the second Age. The Highest of the Gods do nothing but play the Games of Divinity underneath the Jade Pleasure Dome. The Gods they have entrusted creation to no longer fear the mandate of Heaven, for those that would uphold the law would rather take a bribe than fill out the paperwork.

*****************************************************

This is the world of Exalted, what I what to know is where do you what the story to take place.

Creation, The Underworld, Heaven?

Up to you Guys

[NeverNeverGirl]

I voted underworld. i like the underworld

Fats this looks like it might just be iintersting enough to get my attention!

Love your work :P

[Fats_Masterson]

So i have 2 votes for the underworld (I'm counting NeNe's vote even though she didn't hit the poll bar :-o ). If everyone is ok with that we should have a chapter soon. OK??

By the way here is a link that shows a map of creation.

[Crunchyfrog]

I like the map. I don't know anything about Exalted, but I will be interested to see how this next chapter goes. :)

[NeverNeverGirl]

*blushes*

sorry fats, im vague sometimes....

*voted properly*

i can't wait for the next chapter... the map is cool too, avant chappie!


*mutters incoherently and runs off*

[Fats_Masterson]

The Anathema: The Underworld
Chapter One: The Summons


Darkness descended upon the underworld city of Cosova. There is no Sun in the underworld, yet there is a definite change in the level of light between 'day' and 'night'. During the 'day' the sky remains pitch black but everything is bathed in a twilight gray light, so shadows are twisted and distorted, and the cold chill of the grave can be felt everywhere. At 'night' all light disappears from this nether realm. Light from lanterns ends suddenly, as if impeded by the darkness, and the chill, once bearable, becomes the cold, biting, chill of death.

The dead, however, are not bothered by these physical annoyances; the underworld is their natural habitat. The dead retreated from the 'night' because of the creatures that claimed the underworld 'night' as their own. The dead had nothing to fear from these 'Prophets of the Abyss', as they called themselves, they were already dead. It is said, however, that if one listens closely to the mad doctrine of the Nephwracks you can hear the Whispers of the Abyss, if you do you will lose your soul to the Abyss and become a disciple of the Abyss as they are.

It was as night was falling over the Underworld, an event that happened simultaneously across the underworld as dictated by the movements of the Calendar of Setesh, that a man, or rather the ghost of one, could be seen running through the darkening streets. He wore a long cloak that hid most of his face and body, and a large wide-brimmed hat that covered the rest of his head. He carried a large cylinder underneath one arm and was quickly shuffling through the streets with an odd sideways gait.

Other ghosts barely noticed the small cloaked figure, that is until they were either pushed aside or completely barreled over by the small man. They were usually left muttering, picking themselves up off the ground, or sitting there yelling ineffectual curses at the quickly departing figure. Some noticed blood, either upon them, or in pools around them, although these quickly dried, turned to ash, and blew away. Not an uncommon sight in the underworld, many ghosts were left with marks of their passing. Few, however, were so badly mutilated as to leave pools of blood in their wake.

The man ducked and weaved through streets and alleys, apparently at random. He would move at full speed down a street for several blocks and then abruptly, for no reason turn into an alley and follow it for several more. Obviously the man knew exactly where he was going. He never stopped for directions from a local guide or seemed to consult a map. Now, while the city of Cosova, in Creation, only boasts a population of a few thousand people, its underworld analog houses generations of the dead in myriad and byzantine districts, corridors, and alleys. Most ghosts who had lived there for hundreds of years know the general area in which they reside, but are completely lost in other sections of the city. This ghost seemed to know the entire city like the back of his hand.

Even with his strange, unerring, sense of direction, it was well past dark when the small, cloaked man finally reached the end of his journey. He paused at the foot of his destination, the first time he had done so since being given this errand by his Master. He gazed up at the two-story, black marble building. The Cosovian Academy of Scholars. In Creation the Academy is a grand, majestic, white marble building, built in the style of the ancient Solar manses. It was crude, and infantile compared to the actual First Age ruins, but compared to other architecture of the Second Age it was impressive.

Even in the underworld the Academy still retains much of its grace and glory, although it is twisted like all other reflections in the Underworld. The finely cut and polished white marble is replaced with the rough, uncut, black obsidian that can only be found inside the Labyrinth. The flowing corners of Creation are transformed into stark angles and rough edges. It reminds one of the construction of Creation, while being completely of the underworld itself.

After pausing for just a moment, the man continued up the stairs to the doors of the Academy at the exact same pace he had been traversing the streets only moments earlier. As he reached the top of the stairs he hurried forwards to the giant ebony doors. From within the folds of the heavy cloak a small gray hand extended towards the door in the jerky, inhuman motions of the dead. The hand raised and slammed down on the door three times. Three enormous knocking sounds could be heard reverberating throughout its black marble walls. The man slowly drew his hand back into the folds of his cloak and waited. Small pools of blood collecting at his feet.

The man was not kept waiting long. Within moments a small clicking and whirring sound could be heard from inside the door. Suddenly a small, ornately carved panel, sprung open with a loud popping sound. The panel had been indistinguishable from the rest of the door, it was designed to fluster those not used to dealing with change. A tactic that worked well in the lands of the dead. The man, however, was not surprised, he didn't seem to notice the door at all.

“State your business,” A hollow voice, devoid of emotion, echoed from inside the door.

“I come as a Minister of the New District. I carry a message for the Master Rafalla,” The small man replied.

For a minute there was only silence. Then, again, suddenly a great grinding sound could be heard from everywhere at once. Great clicking sounds rattled the outside of the Academy as the panels in the door started turning. It could be seen now that they weren't panels, but giant wheels and cogs designed to look like panels. Now that all the panels were spinning they began to pull away from each other and embed themselves in the surrounding wall, until the entryway was a single, unbroken, seamless archway.

Even at this marvel of second age restorative technology the small man hurriedly rushed forwards without even sparing a glance for the archway.

It remained open.

The Academy was, simply put, huge. Past the archway was the main hall, it stood two stories tall, ten meters across and almost fifty meters long. It would have been spacious, except for the fact that bookshelves were spaced every meter down the hall and stretched to the ceiling. The bookshelves transformed the vast, open, hall into a cluttered, labyrinthine, nightmare.

For the first time since this 'errand' had began the cloaked man faltered. He stood at the edge of the maze-like library, unsure of what to do next. He knew that his query was inside the maze, but he couldn't be sure where. He was also quite sure that without specific directions, or Keywords, it was likely he would wander lost throughout the Library for eternity. A common trap in the underworld, yet quite effective, nonetheless.

He continued to stand at the threshold to the Library, completely motionless, pondering his next move. To venture further would be folly, nothing could be gained if he wound up wandering the Academy until the Void swallowed Creation. Yet, to return to his Master empty-handed... well, he knew that there are fates worse than death.

He considered calling out for someone, a guide, a servant, but to do so would admit weakness, that he could not solve this puzzle on his own. The small man was not about to admit such a thing, especially to another ghost. Someone had interviewed him at the door, so they were obviously still around, probably waiting for the man to call out, ask for some sort of assistance.

The man gathered himself up, he would not be beaten in his task by a crude illusion, if servants could make their way through the Library there must be signs or clues to guide one through. If they could do it so could he. He was about to cross the threshold when a light cough from behind him stopped him in his tracks.

“I would not do that if I were you, sir,” The stranger said. “The Master has given permission to the Library to devour all those unguided or uninvited. A most gruesome way to end ones existence,”

The cloaked man turned to see this new visitor. Standing almost exactly where the small had been only moments before, was a tall man with long curly white hair that fell in ringlets around his shoulders. The man was dressed in archaic robes, the likes of which hadn't been seen in creation in almost seven hundred years, and yet still marked him as a butler. His skin was colored a deep green, which marked him as one of the Contagion dead.

The Contagion wiped out nine tenths of Creations population, many passed into the underworld without even realizing it. As such, the underworld is filled with a disproportionate number of the Contagion dead, entire cities and kingdoms exist in the underworld that continue on in death as they did in life. Beggar's cry out on the ghostly streets, farmers tend empty fields, kings rule from hollow thrones. Many were never buried properly, they have no family to worship them, and no access to the memorandum of the living, which in the land of the dead is the lifeblood of existence. These ghosts have become the backbone of the workforce in the underworld.

“Hrumf,” The small man replied, his voice cracking like dry paper. “Where have you been? I wouldn't have gone into the Library if you had been waiting at the door like a proper servant, Greenling,*”

“Ah, that. I completely agree with you, sir. A guest should never be unattended. The Master, however, has some...different ideas. He uses the Library, and the complete lack of guidance,” the tall ghost added with a touch of disdain, “To measure the worth of his guests. Most get angry or frustrated and began calling for anyone, very few are bold or fool-hardy enough to attempt the Library without guidance. But do not worry, while the Master may desire his privacy, he also appreciates bold actions. Follow me, I will take you to him”

Abruptly, the tall, green ghost moved past the small cloaked figure and entered the threshold of the Library. He turned and motioned for the small man to follow. The tall ghost walked quickly through the labyrinthine corridors of bookshelves, he said nothing and kept his eyes on the rows of dusty tomes. Every so often he would abruptly turn and follow a new corridor. The small ghost tried to distinguish what his guide was using as directions, but as near as he could tell there was nothing different from one bookshelf to another. Even the books themselves looked almost identical, all of them seemed to be hundreds of years old and in various stages of decay.

Then suddenly the tall green butler stopped and announced, “Ah, here we are,” and abruptly turned at the end of the bookcase.

When the cloaked ghost followed he found that a doorway and a wall around it had seemingly materialized out of nowhere.

“The Master will see you in his private study,” The green butler stated, “I will wait out here to guide you back through the Library,” The butler, backed away slowly, becoming wisps of shadows before disappearing entirely.

The small cloaked figure was left alone in the corridor, muttering to himself about 'ghostly theatrics', and dripping blood into ever-increasing pools around him. The ghost clutched his cloak around him and held the cylinder he had been carrying tightly and pushed open the ancient, heavy, oaken door.

If the small ghost was undaunted by the wonders of the Entry Hall or the Library, he was briefly taken aback by the shear volume of wonders stored in the Study. The massive room was lined, floor to ceiling, in shelves. These shelves were filled with trinkets and artifacts of every size and shape imaginable. All were built out of the Magical Materials. Jade and Soulsteel were in obvious abundance, as Jade is the most common material in Creation much of it passes into the underworld, and Soulsteel itself is only manufactured in the underworld. Orichalcum and Moonsilver, however, were rare enough that few ghosts in the underworld ever saw the burning gold or chilling silver of the Celestial Materials. The Master of the Academy had enough of both materials to support a large kingdom. There were even a few worked pieces of Starmetal, a substance most thought a fairy tale. Yet they were all here, artifacts and weapons of all Five Magical Materials, in a collection that certainly rivaled every king in the underworld and possibly some of the lesser Deathlords. The cloaked ghost had never seen such an impressive array of artifacts, some dating back to the first age, this was a sight that made him freeze in his footsteps and stand in rapt awe at the display in front of him.

“It is quite an impressive collection, isn't it?”A new ghost asked as he entered from the far side of the Study. “You should be honored, very few ghosts have ever seen this collection in it's entirety. I am Agano Rafalla, the Master of the Academy, and you are?”

*******************************************************

Agano Rafalla was a very imposing ghost. He had died in his middle age, an accident while exploring some of the ruins of the Scavenger Lands, and as such stood as an imposing figure among the dead. Unlike many others, his corpus was not scarred by his death, if anything it made him appear stronger and more resolute, rather than mutilated or sickly like many of the dead. He stood over six feet in height, with long black hair that was always tied in a topknot, he wore a thin, well-trimmed goatee and tiny, thin gold-rimmed spectacles.

He had been in his Study, admiring one of the various Artifacts that had been buried with him and become a part of his Grave Goods, when he received word that a Minister of the New District had arrived seeking an audience. Normally ghosts would wait outside the Library for a guide or a proper greeting by the Academy's Master. It was as he was cleaning up the Study that he received a message from his assistant, Turo, that the Minister had attempted to enter the Library without guidance, Turo had been forced to intervene and was now guiding the Minister through the Library. Turo also stated that he would keep the Minister busy in the Library until Agano was ready to see him. Turo's gift only allowed him to transmit messages, he couldn't hold a conversation with Agano.

Agano, however, had his own ways to convey messages to his underlings. Through a series of codes and ciphers built into the titles of books and the labels of bookshelves, all of which Agano could command, allowed him to transmit his location to whomever he saw fit. At times he let his servants guide his guest for hours in the maze-like Library, this time he simply found a quill and parchment and began to pen his response. Turo's gift was such that he could send a simple message directly to a single persons ears, Agano had to rely on invention and innovation.

When he had finished his response he reached within the folds of his ghostly garments and withdrew a single black token. One side of the token was completely bare, the other had Agano's sigil etched into it. Agano chanted a few words under his breath, placed the token on the desk, and made a few odd motions over it with his hands.

Without warning the small token burst into a small, coal black, fire of crackling death aligned essence. The fire was no larger than that of a large flower, and it burned nothing. To the touch it bore the cold chill of death. Any ghost could manipulate Essence like he could, it is in their nature as creatures of Essence and Passion, but few used the flows of necrotic essence as ingeniously as he did. He held the small scrap of parchment into the black flames and watched as it and they disappeared into wisps of black smoke and ash.

The ritual completed, Agano's message would now appear, in a cipher known only to Turo and himself, on one book on every bookshelf in the Library. The message was simple: I will see the Minister in my study, bring him immediately
Turo would see it and return quickly, the ghost was single most efficient entity that Agano had ever personally met. Not for the first time Agano wondered what he would without Turo's brilliance and knack for taking care of all the day-to-day details of the Academy.

“I would probably have less time to deal with pushy, demanding Ministers,” He muttered to himself, as he checked on his appearance in a nearby mirror. As usual his visage was impeccable, but it never hurts to check, especially when Ministers were involved. As he was unconsciously fingering a fold in his robes he heard the door to the Study open.

“Best go and see what this, Minister, looks like,”Agano said to himself as turned a corner, entering the main hall of the Study. He had been expecting an average ghostly official, someone who had spent most of their lives working in bureaucracies and now spent their death doing the same. The average court official hadn't changed since the end of the First Age, in life or death. What he saw, however, was something entirely unexpected.

The pushy Minister stood only five feet tall, and instead of the normal robes and perfumes of court officials this ghost was clothed in a single large cloak and a large wide brimmed hat. He carried a single long cylinder made of bone, the customary packaging for Royal documents. No part of the ghost body could be seen, although Agano could see a small pool of blood forming around the small Minister.

Now this is odd, I wonder what game the Shogun is playing at now? Agano thought to himself as he studied the small Minister, who himself was engrossed in Agano's collection of artifacts and recovered grave goods.

“It is quite an impressive collection, isn't it?” he asked, hoping to startle the strange Minister. “You should be honored, very few ghosts have ever seen this collection in it's entirety. I am Agano Rafalla, the Master of the Academy, and you are?”

The Minister quickly turned to look at Agano. He placed the cylinder on the small desk in front of him, and reached into his cloak and produced a stack of other documents. This second stack he forced into Agano's hands.
“I am Minister Atu Ryoshi, I think you'll find that all of my documents are in order. I bare a message from the Shogun of Tears,” The Minister hissed from within his cloak, then thrust the bone cylinder into Agano's hands and sat down on the floor.

Slightly taken aback by Minister Ryoshi's abrupt behavior, he simply took the bone cylinder, broke open the Royal Seal and retrieved the missive. Inside was a Royal Decree of Summons, it was now illegal for Agano to do anything but report to the Shogun of Tears.

“Do you know what this is?” Agano asked Ryoshi.

“I have a good idea. I was given orders to escort you to the Palace, under force if necessary. I assume this is why I was chosen for this assignment over some of my more, personable, peers,” Ryoshi almost hissed from inside his folds.

Agano looked back over the Decree and then began carefully examining both it and the documents given to him earlier by the strange ghost. After almost an hour of intensive study of the documents, Agano stood up, prompting the Minister to stand as well.

“Well I guess there's no way around it, I'll have to go see the Shogun,” Agano announced, “I'll call my servant and tell him to make the necessary arrangements,”

“No,” Ryoshi stated, “We cannot take any normal means of transportation. My department has arranged for transports to meet us. They will come as soon as I call. This is a matter of the utmost security,”

“What if I happen to have a different means of travel?” Agano asked with a sweeping motion across the various artifacts collected in front of the two of them.

“I, obviously, would have to accompany you, just for securities sake of course. But as long we were going to the Palace you've broken no laws in my eyes,”

“Hmm, and I don't suppose you can tell me what any of this is about?”

“Don't know myself,” The cloaked figure seemed to shrug. “Don't have the clearance,”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ok, folks. It's been a long time coming and I hope you think it's worth the wait.

As for the DP, well is Agano going to go with the Minister, is he going in the department transports, or will he take one of his own relics (and maybe ideas for what it could be), or does he blow off the Shogun entirely and flee the Minister.

What do you think?

[NeverNeverGirl]

Hey Fats! I love it! So I am going to give it a good going over despite my absence from IF. Great Writers deserve the extra effort and you are one! YAY

Quote: The dead, however, are not bothered by these physical annoyances, the underworld is their natural habitat. The dead retreat from the 'night' because of the creatures that claim the underworld 'night' as their own.

Okay so I am on holidays so bear with me if I don’t use the technical terms okay…

You should have one of these ‘;’ after annoyance – its more than a regular ’,’
pause but less than a ‘.’

also I think it should be retreated and claimed. theres a reason I just cant think of it – oh yeah it’s a tense thing as well as the fact you are describing the action they have always taken not that they are currently taken – yes I know that seems untechnical – because it is.

Quote: He carried a large cylinder underneath one arm and was quickly shuffling through the streets with and odd sideways gait.

Should be an. this is one thing I have noticed word or similar programs rarely pick up. And means as well as (which I assume you know :D ) and so unless he is walking along with a an physical embodiment known as ‘odd sideways gait’ I assume it is and.

Quote: Other ghosts barely noticed the small, cloaked, figure, that is until they were either pushed aside or completely barreled over by the small man.

Um theres a technical reason here again but I guess its easier just to say that ‘small, cloaked figure’ or (IMHO) preferably small cloaked figure. Reads better flows better and makes for better cohesion.

Quote: They were usually left muttering, picking themselves up off the ground, or sat there yelling ineffectual curses at the quickly departing figure. Some noticed blood, either on them, or in pools around them, although these quickly dried, turned to ash, and blew away. Not an uncommon sight in the underworld, many ghosts were left with marks of their passing. Few, however, were so badly mutilated as to leave pools of blood in their wake.


Because you have said yelling, muttering departing - the sat should be sitting.
I found the last part of this paragraph awkward maybe check your fragmentation and consider merging some of these sentences together. And I would prob consider the blood being ‘upon’ them rather than ‘on’ them. Maybe also elude more to the fact that (remember some readers are idiots) this ghost was more badly mutilated than most… I understand how/where you have made the implication but I think that with the run of the previous sentences its somewhat awkward.

Quote: The man ducked and weaved through streets and alleys, apparently at random. He would move at full speed down a street for several blocks and then abruptly, for no reason turn into an alley and follow it for several more. Obviously the man knew exactly where he was going. He never stopped for directions from a local guide or seemed to consult a map. Now, while the city of Cosova, in Creation, only boasts a population of a few thousand people, its underworld analog houses generations of the dead in myriad and byzantine districts, corridors, and alleys. Most ghosts who had lived there for hundreds of years know the general area in which they reside, but are completely lost in other sections of the city. This ghost seemed to know the entire city like the back of his hand.

I would consider splitting this paragraph at the point where you say .. Now, while the city…. Blah blah…
Though the tow parts are related the introduction of a new topic regarding the labyrinth of streets (where previously you were addressing his movements) warrants a new paragraph. Again a cohesion and flow thing as well as some tech reasons someone else could better explain (try D lotus or Z – they are great with techie stuff)


Quote: He paused at the foot of his destination, the first time he had done so since being given this errand by his Master.

I would prob say ‘doing so for the first time since being given this errand by his master.’

*damn my time on the net is almost up so I will try to get through this quickly- please forgive me if I don’t go into to much detail at this stage – I will give you full explanations later if you want them*


The major issue with this is the use of tenses I believe, there are also so awkward turns of phrase but it is for the vast majority a beautifully descriptive and interesting well thought out piece of work. I hope that you don’t take offense at my remarks but as I stated previously I think that any piece that has seen the work/detail that one such as yours has deserves to be recognized and commented on to the same standard.

I will post the later parts of this if you are interested or I can PM you with my thoughts. (sorry once again my net time is being hijacked by stupid family members – I cant wait to get home!)

Let me know fats! I love it and cant wait for more – I will think of a DP idea and let you know. :D

Loves,
Ne

[Chinaren]

Wooo yeah! Finally.

First though:

~Dons purple and orange hat of critiquing~

I f5 Nenners here Fats, you need to go over your tense. It slips in and out of present and back through the tale.

I also think you need to watch your comma use. Maybe break some up rather than use so many commas, or reword slightly.


Quote: It was as night was falling over the Underworld, an event that happened simultaneously across the underworld as dictated by the movements of the Calendar of Setesh, that a man, or rather the ghost of one, could be seen running through the darkening streets.

This sentence should be two, or possibly three sentences I think. It needs breaking up anyway!

Quote: and a large wide-brimmed hat that covered the rest of his head.

This reads a little oddly. Maybe change it to something like 'pulled down low on his head' or: 'sat atop his head, the brim pulled low' or somesuch..

Quote: quickly shuffling through the streets with and odd sideways gait.
A couple of lines ago he was running. To me, shuffling is something that zombies do, in Tired of Death* for example. Maybe change one of them.

Quote: Other ghosts barely noticed the small, cloaked, figure, that

I think you should drop the first comma, and split it into two sentences, or change the wording a little at the second. It's a long sentence as is, and winds around the brain quite a lot. :? You also have two 'small's quite close together, and figure too.


Quote: by the shear volume

sheer

Quote: ceiling, in shelves

with

Quote: small Minister

You repeat this several times. It's quite hard finding things to call people who haven't thus far, got a name. However, 'figure' 'form' 'shape' 'man' (or in this case 'ghost') or just 'him' could all be alternatives. Give it some variety.

Quote:
I bare a message from the Shogun of Tears

bear

I think the tale really picked up from when he arrived at the library. The descriptions were great.


So, enough of that. ~removes hat~ To the good stuff.

I really like the world portrayed here Fats. It's cool! The ghosts, souls, histories and so on all hinted at portray a rich tapestry to be unveiled as the story progresses. Nice stuff.

DP? Well, we still aren't very familiar with the politics of this world, so I would say go. However, going by his own transport may be the way.


*Me advertise in a comment? Never.

[Cyberworm]

Congrats Fats! This is so realistic I could almost see the dark streets of the underworld and the library. Well done indeed! :tu2: :clap:

As for the dp... :laround:

I say go, and by his own mean of transport. he could use some kind of capsule artifact as some kind of fast-traveling gadget. He could use an invisibility cloak of some kind, a ring that accelerates body molecules and allows the wearer to pass through solid objects. Another option is that he uses special boots that accelerate his movement by, let's say... 200% and it seems like he moves in fast-mo...

I think it's enough now. Sorry for the list of suggestions... :D

[Crunchyfrog]

Excellent work, Fats!

Pretty much all of the comments I had have been covered by Nenners and Cren. All that is left for me to say is well done!


For the DP - I'd say go with the Minister. There'd be far more to learn quickly, I think, but he must be wary and defensive, perhaps to use just one of the artifacts Cyber has mentioned above.

:)

[NeverNeverGirl]

DP? I want to see one of these marvellous relics that he has..

a humpfenagel... its shaped like a kitchen whisk and you use it by placing it over your nose....

(i got nothing lol)

[Fats_Masterson]

Ok People, we've had sometime to discuss, so here it is; Poll Time!!

[Bookwizard]

that was very well written, i egerly await your next chapter :clap: :clap: :tu2: :tu2: *sits down and stars blankly at the screen waiting*

[Cyberworm]

Seems like everyone awaits one of his artif... I mean the second chapter! Yay! :D

[Fats_Masterson]

Ok, that's it poll is closed!

Chapter 2 forthcoming!!

And the winner is:

Go with the minister, but use one his own artifacts.

With an overwhelming 5 votes to nothing for any other option

[Bookwizard]

*still staring at the screen blanky* is the new chapter still going to come or have i somehow missed it :blink:

[NeverNeverGirl]

ok bw i think we are still waiting!

come on fats!

[Cyberworm]

Hey, Fats! We are eager to feast upon your writing, come on! :grin:

Just kidding. Really, we await your next chapter!

[Fats_Masterson]

its coming, its coming!! Sorry to all Ifians who are patiently waiting the next installment. Soon I promise.

[Cyberworm]

*taps with his foot nervously and looks at his watch*

You haven't posted since last year! ;)

[NeverNeverGirl]

*sends Fats a PM reminder*