City of IF

[Chinaren]

Warning! This SGame contains unsuitable material! Adult scenes! Perversion! Violence! Torture! Disgusting stuff!
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you are young, unlawful, lack a humorous disposition, or are otherwise unsuitable, then don’t read this SGame! I’m not going to tell you once we begin, ‘cos it upsets the flow and everything.
Okay? Okay. No flaming the author once you’ve read it then.

Chapter 1 – Gods, Demons and Witches.

Extracting a finger from his nostril, the orange furred being leaned forward and flicked the debris away. Large keen eyes watched intently as it hurtled through the mists towards the planet below. Eventually there was a small ‘plop’. The being smiled to himself and sat back, satisfied with the result.

“You’re disgusting, you know that? A god is supposed to act with dignity, not start tsunamis with a booger that kills thousands of people.” The speaker scowled.

Orange Fur looked at the god sitting across from him. His companion wasn’t much to look at, considering he was a deity. Imagine a stereotypical wizard. Flowing robes, pointy hat, long beard and half moon glasses. Now imagine the same character, but really, really old. The robes are frayed and faded, the hat is bent near the top, and the beard is tangled and has bits of, well… stuff, embedded in it. Oh, and he’s about two kilometers tall. That bit’s impressive anyway.

The booger flicker sniffed, which he did well. He wasn’t at all like his companion, except for the height of course, but gods can be any size they want, and they tend to go for ‘bloody huge’ rather than modestly average. Unlike his companion he had no clothing, choosing to appear as a kind of half monkey, half dwarf, half* something. Large round eyes hovered over a long thin nose that Pinocchio would have been proud of, which in turn drooped over an oversized mouth full of large teeth.

“Doesn’t matter. There’s going to be a plate movement anyway,” he said. “They’ll put it down to that.”

“That’s not the point,” his companion, who’s name was Idea Master, said. “You can’t go around interfering in the world of mortals like that. It upsets the balance.”

“Oh pish,” said the monkey being, who was called Chinaren. “You were always too fussy. It’s only ten thousand or so. No one will notice. Whose go is it anyway?” He leaned forward and tapped the board with a clawed finger.

“Still yours,” said Idea Master. “As it has been for the past three thousand years. Hurry up already.”

“You’re not going to make me rush my turn again,” said Chinaren. “Last time you did that I made a mistake and all my pieces were killed.”

“No great loss there. The dinosaurs were an evolutionary dead end anyway,” replied IM. “Look how far my lot has come, and in far less time too.”

“They were just slow starters,” Chinaren sniffed again. “It took me ages to make Tyrannosaurus Rex too.” He leaned forward and considered the game.

If a human had looked at the board, on the off chance you would get a human two kilometers tall that is, they would have seen, at first glance, something that looked a little like a chess board. On second glance they would possibly have noticed the strange way it seemed to stretch on forever, whilst at the same time fitting nicely on the table.

Possibly the third thing they would have noticed, assuming they hadn’t fallen through the mists and were plummeting to their doom on the planet far below by that time, was that instead of squares, the board used infigons**, and was populated by representations of every living thing currently residing on earth.

“Remind me,” Chinaren said, hand hovering over a piece. “Can a president move sideways?”

“That’s my piece,” said IM. “Honestly, it’s no wonder you have no worshipers left.”

“Well neither have you,” Chinaren countered.

“Yet we’re both still here. Playing the Game.”

Chinaren heaved a deep sigh, causing a hurricane over southern America. “I know! Ah ha!” He swooped down and selected a piece. “Let’s see what that does eh?”

IM frowned, looking closely at the black figure his opponent had touched. “Oh. I didn’t see him. Clever. Still, I think I may have something that will counter it.”

He made a small gesture, and another piece, a white one, appeared next to the first. “There, that should stir things up a bit.”

Chinaren raised an eyebrow, and then leaned over and concentrated, looking down… down… down…

*Gods weren’t that good at math either, but then they didn’t have to be. They simply rewrote the laws of the universe so the answer would be right.
**A shape a little bit like a hexagon, but with an infinite number of sides.

>

The man stepped forward, his shoes clicking on the cobbles, and smiled. “Mr. Walker,” he said in even, smooth tones. “How nice it is to finally catch up with you.”

The rain was coming down hard, sheltering the small group in the alley, creating a self contained area that was masked off from the rest of the world by the silvery wall falling to the earth around them.

Mr. Walker shivered. He was currently being held against a wall by two burly men, whose only job in the world was to beat up smaller people than them, usually on behalf of other people wearing smart clothes. They were doing their job very well at the moment, much to Mr. Walker’s chagrin.

We won’t actually bother to describe Mr. Walker, he’s merely a pawn in this story, a way of showing how bad the bad guy actually is. He won’t be around for too long, so it’s really not worth the effort of describing him.

“Please…” said the victim. “I…I’ll do anything…”

“Of course you will.” The smooth talker smiled, dark eyes watching keenly from underneath a fine black hat. A small stream of water fell over the edge of the trilbly as he tilted his head sidewise. “The only problem is…” A gloved hand felt in the pocket of his long, and very expensive, coat, to fish out a silver cigarette case. “I don’t want anything from you.”

The hand flicked the case open, to reveal a line of slim dark brown cigars. “Smoke?” he said.

“I don’t…” Mr. Walker said.

The man nodded, and extracted one of the cigars, closing the case and putting it back in his pocket. “It’s bad for your health anyway,” he said.

“Please…”

“Please what Mr. Walker? Please let me go?” The man in the long coat shook his head. “Why would I do that now? Hmmm? You know, and I know that can’t happen. I have to send a message. My employer was very specific about that.” He put one end of the cigar in his mouth, and brought his other hand up, slowly removing the glove.

Mr. Walker whimpered. “You see,” continued the smoker, “I have a certain reputation to maintain.” He raised a finger and a flame sprouted from the end of it.

The victim gagged in terror. “Look, sir… I don’t know who you are, but I can pay…”

The finger remained still, and dark eyes opened wide. “You don’t know who I am? How rude of me. You may call me… Mr. Night. Nice to make your acquaintance Mr. Walker.” The finger moved, and the crackling of cigar being lit could be heard through the drumming of the rain.

Mr. Night took a deep drag and exhaled, blowing smoke into Mr. Walkers’ face. The moment was interrupted by a ringing sound, and the hand disappeared back into the pocket, to reappear a second later holding a black cell phone. Looking at the display, Mr. Night’s face showed a slight trace of surprise. He turned to the large men. “I have to take this call. Cut his lips off, tear out his tongue, and pull out all of his teeth. Put them in a bag when you’re done and bring them to me.”

“Yes sir,” said the men.

Mr. Night turned away, flipped open the phone and brought it up to his ear, carefully rolling the cigar to one side of his mouth. One finger went in the other ear to block out the sound of screaming coming from behind him.

“Lord of the Night.” The voices spoke as one. Deep and dire, full of dark power, so much so that the phone grew hot.

“Multitude,” replied Mr. Night. “What a pleasant surprise. What brings you out of the abyss at such a late millennium? Word had it that you were… dormant.”

“There is still time for The Night, Mr. Night,” the voices replied. The phone began to smoke, and Lord of the Night had to hold it slightly away from his ear. “We wish to hire you. Payment will be… sufficient.” Screams of souls in torment could be heard in the background.

“I’m all ears,” replied Mr. Night. He listened intently as the voices spoke, slow and deep, with the promise of deeds foul and black.

Eventually the line went dead, and Lord of the Night lowered his hand. The phone had melted, and he dropped it to the floor, scowling.

“Sir,” a voice said. “You wanted the bag?”

A hand proffered a small clear plastic bag, small white pieces could be seen mingling with a mass of red within.

“Forget Walker,” said Lord of the Night. “Kill him. Something else has come up. Something big.”

Ignoring the bag he dropped the cigar end and trod on it, stubbing out the light. Looking down at the remains of the stogie he laughed. A fitting omen, light extinguished. Still chuckling to himself, he walked off into the dark.

It was time.

>

Fondleton was a small town in the country. Not much happened there that would interest you big city folk though. I mean, of course there were strange goings on there. Mainly the usual stuff that happens when family marries close kin, or possibly farm animals. The general IQ of the population wasn’t much higher than the farm animals either.

Such a setting though, was why other things would happen there too. Strange stuff. Freaky shit, if you would pardon my French, but the locals were usually too busy with their own petty little lives, and generally just too dim, to pay much attention to what was going on around them.

Take this young fellow on a bike for example. He’s the local postman, and the only reason he knows where to deliver the letters is the School Marm draws a picture of the house on the envelope before he sets off. Anyway, few people wrote letters to people in Fondleton, mainly because not a great many could read them.

Back to the postman then. Observe the oversized forehead, and slack jawed, vacant expression on his face. This is the result of generations of inbreeding, and why it’s illegal. His name’s Rod, though this fact is not important. What is important, to this story at least, is the cottage he’s approaching.

Look at the cottage. It’s what you would call ‘quaint’ if you didn’t know any better. People often forget that ‘quaint’ can mean lack of reliable electricity, no running water and going to the toilet in a hole in the ground outside. Several days of ‘quaint’ is enough to have most people rushing back to civilization, where you can sit down and have things heated for you.

Enough of this rambling. The postman has dismounted. Let’s watch what happens…


Rod wandered nervously up the path. Everyone knew that Ms. Lily was a witch. The only reason he was delivering this letter was because she was also hot, and word down the ‘Jolly Porker’ was that she put out easily, and frequently.

Standing in front of the door, he made a vain attempt to smooth his hair down. Raising his hand to knock, he paused suddenly. There were shouts coming from inside! It sounded like someone was being a good seeing to. Maybe Ms. Lily was in trouble. He could save her!

Pushing open the door, Rod lurched inside, to be brought up short by the scene. Ms. Lily was being given a good seeing to alright, from a large panting Labrador, or maybe it was an Alsatian, Rod wasn’t very good with animals, which is why he worked in the post office.

Lilith, obviously, was very good with animals. She loved them in fact. A lot.

The moaning stopped, and the dog dismounted, job done.

Lilith sighed, and stood up, dabbing at her leg with a towel. “Hello Rod,” she said, shaking her hair so that the long red locks fell down over her shoulders. “You’re up early.”

“So are you miss, beggin’ your pardon and all.”

Lilith smiled and slipped into a robe, much to Rod’s disappointment. “What do you want? Has that rash come back again? I think I still have some of that ointment I made last time.”

“No, no miss,” said Rod. “I brung you a letter. It’s from the big city. I read the postmark I did.” He beamed with pride.

Lilith took the letter and examined it. “Interesting.” She looked up. Rod was still standing there. Walking slowly over, she gave him a quick feel and a peck on the cheek. “Not now love, it’s too early. Maybe later eh? I’ll pop down the Porker and have a few beers. Off you go, there’s a good lad.”

Rod, disappointed, allowed himself to be led away.

Once he was out, Lily sat down and examined the letter again. Who would write to her here? She tore it open and looked inside…


>>>>>>

So, what is in the envelope? Not the tax bill please, something a bit more imaginative. Let’s hear your ideas!

Don't forget to add this SGame to your favorites if you like it! :D

Bids on this story being accepted in the Market place thread! Go there now and spend some fatbacks! :D

Bills now due:

Main Villain - Lordy - 340F to put the villain back to half-daemon status. Mortal(ish) mother, daemon father.

Lilith - 100F for Lordy to have an Odius complex.

The setting: IM 500 Fables - Two old deities, ones that most people have forgotten about, play a game that looks remarkably like chess, perfectly aware that while they play, the story goes on down below...
The god-like beings to be myself and a certain orange fuzzball.

The Hero - Lilith - 800F a punky good looking witch who's had it up too early.

Rai - 100Fables to make Lilith a nympho.


<<<<<<

[Idea master]

No super sci-fi setting, but pleanty of god-like beings! Me like!

Now, as for what's inside the envelope...

How about a fancy invitation to a ball in the big city? One that has, undoubtly, gotten lost and was meant for someone else.

And I think Lordy is missing a quotation mark somewhere. I can't be bothered to go back and look, but I know there's one absent from around the torture scene.

[Chinaren]

Quote: No super sci-fi setting....

I know, but that was only a suggestion, and this seemed to fit the idea I had better.

Found the missing speech mark too, thanks IM.

[NeverNeverGirl]

May i say Bravo! Belissimo! Encore! YAY! I too, noticed some interesting use fo the English language which wasn't at all contextual but being the being that you are i am sure youwill find them when you look.

I just love your style of writing, you have a big fan in me Uncle dear. I loved the gangster feel of the bad guy scene and the reparte between IM and the fuzzy orange guy was cocacola comedy at its best (not quite champagne but still had some fizz thats for sure).

As for your mistreatment of Ms Liliths good character i am abbhored! and laughing and shocked and loving it! Oh K-Rai did you know what you had done? Yes i think you did... LOL

well as to whats in the envelope it is to tickets to the Opera in the City for a secret assignation with an undisclosed/unknown gentleman or gentlemen? hmmm maybe its a female lover who is the only one Lily really trusts? What with her Nymphotic diesease.

[Chinaren]

Thank you NeNe, glad you liked it. I've been through it again and tidied it up a bit.

And for all you less rich IFians, there's a bidding round exclusively for you now running in the Auction house.

[NeverNeverGirl]

Rune wrote: I don't know what else to say. Nene stole something from me: the words from my mouth

i did?!? i am sorry... would you like me to put them back...

[Kalanna Rai]

Did I know what I was doing...yes I believe I did. I'm very methodical about screwing up other peoples lives. I've had lots of practice.

Now as for the mail, I'd say it should say something like 'Your mission, even if you don't want it...' and be from the council of Magical and Mundane affairs. There's been a daemon sighting and they need 'Miss' Lily to check it out...

[Mephistopheles]

Hmm, perhaps i am a bit paranoid and hold back a little much when writing? Bestiality? Disfiguration and death? Silly gods with pre-teen mentalities? God, I love it!
As for the letter, well, hmm, *going to smoke and ponder this a moment* okay,here it goes "Your attention is required in the exile and imprisonment of many demons going by the name of Multitude. Further instructions to follow. Thanks, The Gods.
P.S. Stop screwing the dog. It is so damn arousing, and my last orgasm caused an earthquake that killed twenty thousand people in africa. "
Or something along those lines. oh, one question, do i have to bid on my choice if i want to see it a reality?

[Chinaren]

mephistopheles wrote: Hmm, perhaps i am a bit paranoid and hold back a little much when writing? Bestiality? Disfiguration and death? But all done very tastefully of course. ;)

mephistopheles wrote:
Or something along those lines. oh, one question, do i have to bid on my choice if i want to see it a reality? Nope, this thread is purely a SGame. People who don't wish to be involved in any bidding can play this just like any other SGame.

[Rune]

A message from her sidekick saying something along the lines of 'They're on the move'. Or a message from her 'superiors' saying 'you're on' or-

an encoded message that only one person she knows could decipher (enter new character) and the message says something along the lines of above or otherwise intriguing.

[Crossfire]

*inquires curiously* Who might Multitude be? I mean, it is entirely possible that it is me, but... *is baffled by this* Love it, though. I always liked Greed, and I look foward to the next chapter, assuming it isn't up already! :)

I say that the envelope contains a missive from the Lord of the Night, inviting her to join his cause, possibly as his dark bride. Why not? It sounds like a fun thing to occur in the story, and Lordy's twisted tastes will nicely complement her own. Who says true love can't be found through Mail-Order? ;)

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[solus.serpen]

Very nice. :)

I needed something new to come along and inspire me to start reading again on the site.
Nowadays I spend all my time in the open forum ambushing people and preening threads (or, more acurately - deleteing them).

Unfortunately, I am rather low on iderium atm, and cannot come up with any suggestions. Still - I think other people are doing pretty well. ;)

Anyhoo, I'll be following. I think I read the last Greed, but I can't remember it much...
...there was a chapter with argo and a market somewhere, wasn't there?
I remember that bit.
Hmm...maybe I should read the end again.
I really do think I have memory loss - in some form or other. :?

Looking forward to the next chapter,

~Solus

[Crunchyfrog]

I would say it is a party invitation. To the sort of parties Lily likes going to. :-o

Very entertaining, I thoroughly enjoyed the read. :D

[Rune]

Nice one Feathers!

To counter that we could also have Peta or some Animal Rights Activists organization be the letters sender.
*Cackles diabolically*

[Chinaren]

Any other suggestions? I'll put up a poll sooner or later. Or somewhere between those two even.

[Chinaren]

A lot of suggestions already, so poll is up.

Time to pray to the god of voting.

[NeverNeverGirl]

I voted Ball as i feel this gives China more room to move within his story when introducing new players to the game. I also think that it would be interesting to see who goes to the kind of ball Lily would attend...

i wonder how a certain phallus will look in a suit? Charming i am sure lol

[Chinaren]

MMm, it's a draw, but as I feel like working on another chapter of this (I have to make a start into the big pile of outstanding bids) I will merge the two winners.

Thanks for playing everyone.