City of IF

[Lock]

Chapter 1 Breaking the Bonds:

ATP- (ā'tē'pē') n. An adenosine-derived nucleotide, C10 H16 N5 O1 3P3, that contains high-energy phosphate bonds and is used to transport energy to cells for biochemical processes, including muscle contraction and enzymatic metabolism, through its hydrolysis to ADP. ATP is hydrolyzed to AMP when it is incorporated into DNA or RNA. In simple terms, the human body breaks down the ATP to create energy.

The sun was high, beating down upon the man below. The field was covered with rows upon rows of cash crops such as corn, wheat, and rice. Sitting atop a large machine, the simple farmer drove over the crops.


He breathed laboriously, with the pains of harvest season. The man wore a pair of overalls, and a trucker hat. His scalp, he wiped with a red bandana that hung around his neck. Beneath the leggings, he wore a pair of boots, and a long brace. Forty-eight years found Joe Reed a worn out man.

Bearing a series of knee injuries and a recent blow to his right shoulder, he was beginning to wear out. His cap covered a slightly balding head, and a thin mess of graying hair. The effects of aging were taking their toll on Joe’s ego. He had to accept the fact that he was weak, that he couldn’t do all the things he once could. This was hard for Joe, often times he pushed himself too far. In these cases, he was out for weeks, which was impossible for him at this time. For it was harvest, and selling crops meant getting money.

Money was scarce of late, for America was in another Great Depression. The year was 2011, and earlier this year the stock market had crashed due to a malfunctioning of the national bank’s computers. Joe was lucky in that his money was not lost, but he needed to find new ways to support his family. Being a farmer for all his life, he continued the trade, although he had hoped to go to school. This, however, was now out of the question, for every last penny was spent in attempt to pay his debts. Understand that Joe was not a poor man, but had his fair share of money that he owed. Then again, who didn’t at this time?

Next to the crop fields, was a kindly home. Painted white, the house was warm and inviting. The building was carefully made of wood, and around it was a nice porch. Sitting under the covering was a woman, and a young girl. The older lady wore a humble, blue-striped dress and a long, white apron. Her hair was a dark brown with streaks of gray that threatened to take over. It hung freely down to her shoulders and looked well maintained. She smiled and revealed a set of white teeth, perfectly aligned. She was beautiful, and was desired by her peers. The woman sat in a wooden, rocking chair, gently swaying from front to back. The young girl sat in her lap and sat quietly as her mother braided her long, red hair. Her face was covered with freckles and, though young, showed signs of impending beauty.

“Go tell your father to bring it in,” the woman said, finished with her daughter’s crimson hair. Running through the large field she made her way to her working father. Satisfied with his progress for the day, Joe steered the tractor towards the barn. He saw her too late. Standing in the path of the tractor was his daughter, a horrified look on her face.

Time froze. Joe’s head became intensely hot, and his face became a dark scarlet. His wife stood up from her perch and her jaw dropped in dread. She let out a blood-curdling scream. Time remained still for Joe, as his body seemed to be on fire. Then everything happened at once. Something inside of Joe was broken and he was given a burst of energy. Jumping through the window in the front of the machine he leapt to his daughter and grabbed her. He lunged to the side, narrowly avoiding the large blades of the machine. The face of his daughter was pure shock. From her ruby lips came two words, “How…? What…?”

“Joe! Emily?” screamed a voice as the worried mother came running through the fields. She jogged up to them, and picked up her daughter. Joe also stood up and looked at his wife. “How did you do that?” his wife asked with a look that was complete amazement. “That’s… impossible…” The energy that had consumed Joe was still prevalent and it seared through his body. He felt every muscle in his body grow stronger.

“I… don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I broke something,” he said looking into her hazel eyes.

“Let me see it. Is it swollen?” she asked, concerned. She lifted his arm and searched for a wound. Seeing none she returned to his gaze, which had fallen to the ground.

“No, something inside me. Something that was holding me back,” he continued. “I don’t feel the same…” he said, and walked towards the house.
“You need some rest,” she said.

“You’re probably right,” he replied and retired to his room. He lay down on the spring mattress, but could not fall asleep. The energy still pumped through his body and made sleep impossible. He considered standing up, but then he briefly lost his awareness. All of a sudden, the sky outside his window was bright and he heard the alarm of the rooster. “What the…” he muttered. “I must be dreaming,” he thought to himself, assured that he hadn’t drifted asleep. “I didn’t fall asleep, but eight hours just passed in the blink of an eye. This is crazy,”

Stepping out of bed, his wife awoke and sat up. “Oh, what time did you end up coming home last night?” she asked, clearly honest.

“What are you talking about?” he asked. “I never left the house?” he replied.

“If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, but don’t lie,” she said stepping out of the bed. Her hazel eyes were transfixed upon his, searching for a lie.

“I swear, I didn’t go anywhere. I was here the whole night,” he said, assuring himself. The truth was, he had no recollection from the previous night. All he could remember was lying down then all of a sudden it was morning.

“Whatever honey, maybe you just got up and went to the bathroom,” she said, brushing it off. The morning was just as normal, beginning with the barn. He milked the cow and collected the eggs. Standing alone in the barn, he remembered the feeling of power. The energy that had flowed into him, and he remembered the feeling of obtaining it. “This power…” he thought to himself. “Do I dare, do it again?”



Should Joe attempt to break the bond in his body again? Should he consider the effects, or forget the whole thing? What about his lack of memory from the previous night? One thing was for sure, everything was about to change in the life of Joe Reed.

[Smee]

Hey again, :)

Another new story, and easily the clearest to read so far. Part of that being because it's the best choice in font size you've had yet ;) .

But the writing itself is clearer too, and eloquently displaying a budding maturity from you.

~

Some quick points...

Quote: Next to the crop fields, was a kindly home

Not necessarily wrong, but a 'kindly' home doesn't make much sense to me. Kindly is more an action, than an attribute. I would use adverb, or adjective, or some other technical word, but I always get those muddled. ;)

"The young man kindly stood up, allowing the old lady his seat on the crowded bus."

Instead of kindly, perhaps something like endearing, friendly, cheerful...etc.

~

Quote: “Go tell your father to bring it in,” the woman said, finished with her daughter’s crimson hair

You are very good at using alternative words to describe the same thing, rather than repeating a description. Instead of repeating house, house, house. You use home, building etc. Very good.

However, here I think you've gone a step too far. You've described the girl's red hair, and then go on to mention it again as crimson. Red hair typically means the ginger colour that can look really nice, or really, really bad. However, it's a long way from crimson. It could be, in 2011 crimson hair is more common, but I thought it worth mentioning if you intended the typical ginger colouring, you need an alternative to crimson.

~

A couple of points your tense slips a litle...

Quote: Stepping out of bed, his wife awoke and sat up. : As he stepped out of bed, his wife...

Quote: Standing in the path of the tractor was his daughter, : I'm not certain on this one, as it does read ok to me. But I struggled for a long time with a past tense issue in my own writing. I think 'Standing' should be 'Stood', or better would be 'Stood directly'.

~

All incredibly minor points in a good piece of writing. Well done.

As for the DP... I think he's a cautious fella', not prone to rash decisions or hasty action. On a farm, methodical logic and hard work gets things done. He'll 'methodically' work through his memories of what happened, trying to understand it as much as possible. For fear of hurting his daughter or wife, I doubt he'd be in too much hurry to 'break' himself again.

I feel that it's going to take another accidental breaking before he starts experimenting himself.

[Chinaren]

Ah. I was just about to comment and find Smee's done it for me. I knew he was useful for something. ;)

Anyway, I f5 all the above, except the 'standing' thing, which looks okay to me. I think I saw another place or two where the tense slipped, but I think this one is more readable than your other one, mainly due to the more normal POV.

However, if I may, one minor piece of advice, if you would listen to an old fuddy duddy like me...

There's an old adage in writing: Show don't tell.

I felt that a lot of your text, especially the first part, is more of the telling kind than the showing.

Quote: Next to the crop fields, was a kindly home. Painted white, the house was warm and inviting. The building was carefully made of wood, and around it was a nice porch. Sitting under the covering was a woman, and a young girl. The older lady wore a humble, blue-striped dress and a long, white apron...

I'd be more inclined to write something like...

The buildings' whitewashed walls reflected the sunlight, contrasting with the waving golden corn in the fields next to it....

Okay, perhaps 'contrasting' isn't the best word here, but you get the idea. Try to create a vision in the readers head, don't just state how things looked. It's not easy to do, but with a little practice, it will come...

One other one. Don't forget, try not to rush the plot to get to the 'action' too quickly. I may have done one wierd event, much as you have, in the first chapter, but I'd move slowly after this. Let us get a feel for the world, the people and so on. It may sound boring, but anticipation is half the fun.


DP: I'm back to f5ing Smee again. I don't think he's going to be someone who embraces wierd and funky stuff. He'll put it down to a freaky event and move on with everyday stuff.

[Mephistopheles]

hmm, i have no reason to add to what has already been stated, so, i say break the bond! breaking things is fun, especially when it gives you the ability to create moments and actions that one is not normally capable of! love the simplicity of reading your works Lock.

[Masterweaver]

I say go to the university. Maybe meet up with Doppy.

Sorry, different sg. Love the prose!

[Lock]

Masterweaver wrote: I say go to the university. Maybe meet up with Doppy.

Sorry, different sg. Love the prose! What?

[Guest]

Love it! Very interesting. Only a few mistakes that I found but Smee took care of that.

[DELETED]

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[NeverNeverGirl]

I agree with Z - his wife makes him go to the Doctor.. he lost his memory and he 'broke' something..... she would def boss him into going to the doctors.

[Lock]

C'mon people... vote!

[Chinaren]

You need to put up a post to say there's a poll usuall Lock, or people don't notice. o-)

[Lock]

A Tie? Someone come break it!

[NeverNeverGirl]

ooopps lock - sorry i retied it!

mibad...

tie breaker anyone..

[Lock]

Tiebreaker?... Please? Anyone?

[Cyberworm]

There, I jumped in with a tiebreaker. :D

A good one, Lock. Let's see how you write this...

[Lilith]

And I just made sure that it can't be re-tied, Lock. Keep it up and Good luck....

Whatever it was that broke had to be some sort of mental thing though....

[Cyberworm]

Excuse me? Who has a mental thing? Don't you go insulting the people that give breaks!

Just kidding, I'm glad I could help. :D

[Lilith]

Nonoonnoonono,

Cy you misunderstand me.

I meant what broke inside the character that allowed him to move so quickly to save his daughter was something to do with something mentally. You know, how we only us 10% of our brain capacity? Theory is that it's because we hold ourselves back.

So maybe he has found away to stop holding himself back?

[Cyberworm]

I know Lil', I'm just kidding ;) . Those 10% are really weird, though. I don't even know if there is 10 % in my brain. :P

[Aponi]

I don't think he'll break it again without another compelling reason - he needs to see a doctor. You know that if he describes his symptoms to his wife she'll be concerned for his health, so unless he has something against doctors, he'll go.

Probably won't get much out of a country general practitioner, though - my guess is that the dr. will tell him to lay off the fried eggs and bacon and to reduce stress.

[Lock]

Wow this has been tied for the last 6 months.

[Chinaren]

Well, you could either merge them (do both) or flip a coin. That's allowed! Nice to see you still around Lock.

[D-Lotus]

Nice story. Keep it up. I broke your tie, btw.