City of IF

[Mephistopheles]

Ok, so it is me, and well, i gotta rate this like, NR17(?) by the Messy rating system. Just to say that i did warn you that there was heavy allusions to sexual circumstances.


God watched, unable to hear a single word due to his inability to find the remote or walk over to the control unit of the surround system and hit the power button. His attempts at remembering how to read lips failed him miserably. All he caught was Bdevil saying ‘heaven‘, and Thumper saying ‘huh?’. That would not do God much good. No one understood heaven, so Thumper’s confusion could be wrought by any number of statements that Bdevil could have made concerning God’s abode. Why had he had to go and confuse everyone so much? Oh, yeah, because he thought that it would be funny. That and the most pivotal moments of his conversations with prophets had been marred by his thoughts of screwing the young women of earth. Even his angels had fell prey to their fleshly wiles. Anyways, suffice it to say, God wished that He could have been a little less enigmatic on most points that He had tried to make.

He concentrated on his television until Bdevil and Thumper parted. Who was he going to follow? Well, the obvious choice was the greater threat: Bdevil. So, Thumper was able to hop away to his destiny without any further interference by God. Lucky bunny, for if God had known his plans, and the havoc that his success would wreak on God’s life, Thumper would have been struck dead then and there, forever passing out of this existence.

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“So, Thumper, as I was saying, I need you to….pay attention! Stop looking at your member and focus, over here, on me. Okay, the guy with the plan, look at me, Thumper.” Thumper had begun hopping about again, attempting to outrun his enormous erection. He couldn’t believe that this really belonged to him! Oh the fun that he was going to have! “I will take it away from you before you even to get to enjoy it if you don’t cease admiring it and pay attention!”

“Oh, sorry Bdevil, it’s just so…BIG!”

“Yes, I know Thumper. I gave it to you, remember? So, now that you are looking at me, I need you to go to heaven. Now, I realize that the thought of heaven probably scares you, but…..”

“Do angel bunnies like to screw, Bdevil? I would love to get some divine hare!”

“Will you please try to focus Thumper! I need you to tap something a bit, er, larger, okay? Don’t worry though, you will be more than up to the challenge of pleasing this woman. Better than the cucumber that she just pulled from the ground at any rate. Now, it won’t be all fun and games, okay? I am going to pull a few strings, Peter owes me some favors, and he is going to let you in while you retain your living flesh, kay?” Never had Bdevil realized the full potential of wining that bet with Peter. Who would have known that Mary would have been a squirter? Well, no one that hadn’t done her, that was who. Immaculate conception! Whatever!

“Peter, Peter Rabbit? I hate him. He owes me some carrots. Maybe I should go beat him with my new equipment?” Thumper was smiling to himself, lost in thoughts of thumping Peter from behind with his log and then telling him to pay up or Thumper would come again and abuse him until he did so.

“No, you stupid bunny. St. Peter. Don’t you know anything? Oh, yeah, the bunny texts pre-date the bible. You wouldn’t know about Peter. No, Peter is this cool guy that lets people through the pearly gates of heaven so that they can enjoy the afterlife.” [ Yeah, if you think that making flower art and listening to harps is enjoyable, thought Bdevil.” Anyhow, he is going to let you into heaven, and you are going to spread seed everywhere as a….Thumper!”

“Huh?” Thumper looked at Bdevil, realizing that he was still talking to him, and that he was irritated again. “Oh, yeah, seed! I can spread that!”

“Not that seed, well, okay, that seed also, but your main duties will be assisting the Heavenly Gardeners in making heaven a beautiful place.” Only because God is too laid back to do it Himself. He works seven days, and calls it quits. The laziness of some people! “Now, there is something that we need to do before you can go to Heaven, okay?”

“Are you going to stand in front of me again?” Thumper asked excitedly.

“No, I am not….just stand there, okay. I will be right back. Do not move for anything!” Bdevil wished that he had brought the priest with him, but, there were some things that you couldn’t let a man of the cloth see, or hear for that matter. Bdevil could only hope that Thumper would behave for five minutes.

“Okay, I will stay right here.” Thumper looked down, wishing that he had thumbs so that he could entertain himself while Bdevil was gone.

Bdevil hopped off, faster than any bunny before. Thumper sat down, which was odd, because he couldn’t do that five seconds ago. He looked down, and What the hell! Where’d it go? Oh did I lose it? Oh no! He began to hop around in circles, searching for his lost member.

Because of his frantic searching, he was completely ignorant of the new entity within the glade. A great roar froze him in his tracks as the she bear let everyone know that she was there. Thumper turned rapidly, but the added weight of his monstrosity carried him full circle, so that he merely caught a glimpse of the bear. He heard a sniff of interest as the bear stood behind him. Thumper trembled, and his new tool quivered in front of him.

The she bear was drooling over Thumper, and a sudden urge to root with the bunny overtook her.
“I was going to eat you, but, my, that seems like it may be a waste. Why don’t you hop around little bunny, and we shall see if you are worthy of living.”

Thumper turned, slowly, afraid that he may injure himself if he tried to move fast again. “My, that does look yummy. If you make me purr, big bunny, I will let you live.”

Thumper wondered what she meant when she turned around, her tiny tail raised slightly. Thumper looked at the great bear arse, trying to decide the best approach. How the hell was he going to get that high up? Without a moments further hesitation, his spear jumped upwards and struck the mark. Thumper hung from the bear, who roared with pleasure.

“That’s it bunny boy! Just like that!”

Thumper kicked his feet into her rump, tossing himself back to the ground. Instantly he returned to the bear, like some perverted yo-yo. After half an hour of bouncing about, sometimes to the left, sometimes from the right, just to keep it interesting, the bear roared in pleasure. Her great body trembled, her lungs rumbled, and for a few seconds she sounded like a great cat.

“No one has ever done that, bunny. I hope to see you around.” The bear winked, then stalked off, a little limp in her step, but a big smile on her snout.

No sooner had she departed than Bdevil returned. Another rabbit, this one black with a white collar of hair around his neck accompanied him.

“Is this the one, my son?” the priestly bunny said.

“Yes, father, this is he who must go to the beyond and do our work where we cannot remain.”

“Ah, so young too. I like the young ones….Holy Christ, that thing is huge!” The newcomer pointed to Thumpers slowly deflating organ.

“Yes, Father, we know. Thumper has pointed it out many time now. Could we just do the ceremony and be done with this? I got work to attend to at home.”

“Oh, very well. How are things anyways? Must be deadly boring with all the…”

“Just do the bleedin’ ceremony would you!” Bdevil interrupted.

“Fine Fine. Let’s do this then.”

“Doe to Doe, and Buck to Buck, Grant this morbidly blessed bunny, The naughtiest of luck.” The priest thrust his loins and slapped his rear, then made a gesture of pulling something large out of his navel. “There, it is done. Now his seed will have the ability to impregnate the dead. Good luck with this plan Bdevil.” He chuckled to himself. “Not that the last one was bad, you just left too many loopholes. Hopefully you thought this one out better. Anyways, I think the choir boys need some, er…guidance, so, I’ll be seeing you later.” With that said, the bunny turned and hopped off.

“Well, Thumper, I think that we are ready. Say good bye to this plane, and hello to….” Thumper felt a spinning sensation, and then, behold! The most massive gates of gold stood before him. The round bars were a foot thick, and seemed to reach to…well, Heaven, Thumper guessed. He looked around, finally spotting some old human with long hair and a long beard. He began to walk towards Thumper.

“What up, my bunny! Dude, you are going to so, like, totally love it here! This is Heaven man, can you dig it? I know I can! Now, why don’t ya just relax and smell the clean air man. Now, normally, I would like have ta like give this big speech like thing over how you can’t get hurt, and how you can’t be sad, and all that sort of happy jazz that peeps wanna hear when they get here, right? But, like, you aren’t dead, bunny dude! So, you can still feel pain, and my, GOD! With that thing, you can probably feel pleasure too! Holy Christ, man, what didja let Bdevil do to ya man? Wow! He will never, ever, cease to amaze me man. So like, anyways, bunny dude, I have probably kept you long enough. Now, the trick to you being here, you gotta find the Gardeners, and you gotta make them happy. Too bad some are dudes man, otherwise I think that all the Gardeners would be happy, ya know what I mean man? So any questions bunny dude, before we part and you experience heaven?”

“Er, yeah, why are there just gates? I could just hope around them couldn’t I?”

“No, bunny dude, ya can’t just hop around ‘em. See, that would like so totally get ya dropped into hell, man, even the devil would laugh at ya man. You can’t take what ya didn’t earn, bunny dude. So, without further ado! Hop through the gates bunny dude.”

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“Oh, such a good pickle.” Mother thought as she sat basking in the glow of her efforts. “I must make these more often.”



So, Dp, what are these gardeners like, and what sort of tasks do they set Thumper to doing? Hope you enjoyed it!

[Crunchyfrog]

Heheeee, chuckles all the way through! Especially the bear. :lol:

Got a bit confused, at one point it seemed that his thumping great whassit had been taken away, but no, it was still there!

Also perhaps more could have been made of his journey to the pearly gates, but still a good laugh!

Gardeners, hmm. I dunno, I think we should be incorporating some garden gnomes in this somehow...

I dunno, something to do with gnomes!

:D

[Chinaren]

Your writing is getting better Messy.

What are the garderners up to? They grow things don't they? And they need him to do a risky run of their 'product'. ;)

[Cyberworm]

Nice one there Messy! ;)

Maybe he needs to use his "tool" like a tool! To dig the ground for the Gardeners... which is very risky because of the snakes and other things... leeches included. :shock:

Wow, I never cease to amaze myself. :D

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[NeverNeverGirl]

whoa, dude like totally, that was so far out man.

lol seriously i loved it

thumper and Mrs God.. whatevr next

im going to let this one play out

[D-Lotus]

What about if he buries himself underground, in a certain way in which he can still breath, with his 'monstruosity' sticking out like a pickle? That should entice Mother when she makes the rounds looking for vegetables.

[Mephistopheles]

any more suggestions? Anyone?

[Mephistopheles]

Poll is up. vote away flesh bound spirits!

[NeverNeverGirl]

ok i voted but didnt help much messy needs a tie breaker.... o-)

[Phang]

Tie broken.

[Mephistopheles]

Poll is closed! Next chappy to follow very shortly!