City of IF

[Player of Fates]

I vote for a thin little man in a black suit. His head is a skull, orange or green and only has one eye socket. His fingers are metallic like tentacles and his feet resemble a chickens. The suit in pin striped.

[Masterweaver]

So we have the Bush, the Blob, the Chicken, and the Skull. Anybody else?

[Chinaren]

Mmm. How about all four mixed together? In a repulsive way of course.

[CunningFox]

Not bad Masterweave.

Mmm, how about a crazed robot which collects human parts to attach to itself? Because it wants to be human.

[Masterweaver]

Sorry, not bots right now, fox. Poll is upity up!

[Masterweaver]

*Ahem*

[Crunchyfrog]

Your poll's only been up two days, Masterweaver. Let it run for a week - maybe post a couple of days before you intend to close it. This time of year is a little slower too. Patience! ;)

[Masterweaver]

Poll is shut down. I will writith something... Later.

[Masterweaver]

The creature was a strange being, clothed in ashen rags and delicately balanced on three stiff legs. The nearly skeletal face was enveloped in brown bush-like quills, which branched from the skin in complicated formation. What little skin there was had an unhealthy orange flabbiness about it, merging with the rags indiscriminately. It peered at him with an enduring fascination.

There was silence.

Uncomfortably, he moved to break it. “Hello… friend. I wonder, could you point me to the nearest human settlement?”

“Yes. I will take you to my village.”

“Your village. Your village has… humans?”

“Surely, for am I not human?”

The two stared at each other. The red one looked away.

“Of course. Yes, you are… human.”

“Well, then you shall travel with me. Our village is only a short distance away. What is your name, stranger?”

“I… do not know what my name is.”

His companion nodded, as if that were to be expected. “Knowledge will know. He always does. My name is Flab.”

“What an… appropriate name.”

“Come. If we are to get there by mid-sun, we must leave now.” Flab turns and, with surprising agility, began to climb the cliff.

With one last glance behind him, the red one followed, careful not to crush his guide.

***

“Knowledge! I bring the stranger! He has not a name.”

The red one looked about. Haggard faces on strange bodies paused in their toils over fields of scraggly plants to look at him in fear. He quickly turned away.

Flab addressed a being that had four long, thin legs with bulging knees. Attached to the ribbed body, a three-eyed beaked head gazed upon him. In a method similar to Flab’s, a large mass of green quills branched into a complicated formation from the head.

He began to lever himself to the red one, who suddenly realized that what had been taken for forefeet were, in fact, two-fingered hands.

“So… You are the shinebeast Farsight reported. Unusually well constructed for one.” Knowledge tapped the red one’s arm with his finger. “Hollow, too. They cram whatever they can fit in. No, you are no shinebeast. Tell me, can you remember anything?”

“Glimpses. Of a different world. The humans I know were… different. More like each other.”

“Then you are indeed old. It is said mankind was once all one, before the ancients fell. But now, our structure rots, shifting with every birth. Oh, well, nothing to be done about it. Can you tell me anything?”

“There were cities. Skyscrapers, very tall… and cars. I liked cars. Collected them, in fact.”

“So. Ancient words, ancient objects? No reason to how the ancients fell?”

“Not exactly. I remember… I remember there were large explosions. And some humans, rushing to save everyone else.”

Knowledge sighed happily. “So. We were not cowards to be punished. That guilt, at least, can be laid to rest. I thank you for your help, and for it, I give you a name; Redemption.”

The red one mouthed the word to himself. It somehow seemed to be very fitting.

“And now, I must ask you to help us.” Knowledge turned to face the fields. “We try to grow food out here, but most of what we eat is hunted down. I presume you will join one of our parties?”

“I would be honored to assist. I only hope I can repay your kindness.”

“Trust me, Redemption, you will be assisting in a very important manner. Flab.”

Flab snapped back to the conversation. “Yes, Knowledge?”

“Get together a hunting party. Strength, Long, the usual.”

“Yes, Knowledge.” Flab sprinted away, leaving Redemption with Knowledge.

“Perhaps you could accompany me to the caverns?” Without pausing for an answer, Knowledge confidently began levering across the rocks. “It is not that I would not stay and help, but the sun burns me more then others.”

Redemption followed him, stepping carefully to avoid crushing his companion. “You live in caves?”

“Where else could we live? Sunrise is the fractured desert, sunset lay the shinebeasts. Only the mountains are truly ours. Be careful, these rocks are weak.”

“But… What about other lands? Plains of grass? Forests of trees?”

“If those places exist anymore, they are beyond our reach. We can only hope to find small meals here, but they are enough to live on.”

Redemption stopped, shocked. “You are bone-thin! Most of your people are nearly skeletons! How can you day that?”

Knowledge barked out a laugh. “Relax, I am only twenty. I plan to live for another decade yet. Ah, yes, here we are.” Knowledge panted for breath.

Redemption glanced behind. They had only traveled twenty meters.

“Farsight! How are you?”

Redemption turned to view what he had first taken to be some strange statue. It was pale, albino pale, with feet directly attached to the hips and eyes that took up half its noseless face. Because it was bald, he could see that a fleshy sack hung from the back of the head on top of the back.

The worst part was, this was the most human being he had yet encountered.

“Farsight, this is Redemption, the being you saw. It turns out it is not a shinebeast, but something more unique.”

Farsight tilted his gaze up, careful not to allow his head sack to slide off his back. “He certainly is tall.”

“He is going to hunt with a group. I am sure we will find him a useful asset there.”

“That he would be.” Farsight took one last look up and down his body, then remembered himself. Don’t just stand there, come in! Trust me, the cavern is at least as high as you, though you may disturb the bats.”

Redemption sighed. “If you insist.” Getting onto his hands and knees, he cautiously crawled into the cave. Knowledge levered himself patiently after him.

The inside of the cave was well lit by the sun streaming in, with every crevice highlighted in shadow. A few of the things that called themselves humans rested here, and stared openly at him.

“This is redemption,” announced Knowledge. “He will be staying with us for a while. Please, make him welcome.”

The group relaxed, though they still took to glancing at him. Knowledge levered himself to a small ledge and folded himself up.

“Need my beauty sleep,” he explained when redemption glanced at him quizzically.

Redemption nodded and sat down. That made about as much sense as anything else here.

“Ahem.”

Redemption looked up. A young woman with black hair, who only had one leg and stood on ramshackle crutches, was addressing him. She wore what might have been a simple dress eons ago, but was now very tattered.

“Hello.”

“So… what are you?”

Redemption shrugged. “I don’t know. A shinebeast, maybe.”

“No, Ear said Knowledge said you weren’t a shinebeast.”

Redemption nodded. With a name like Ear, it made sense. “What is a shinebeast, anyway?”

“I’ve never seen one up close. I think they’re ancient creations of some sort.” She looked him up and down, then sat down next to him.

“I’m curious. There are a lot of people here, but a lot more in the fields. Why--?”

“Oh, that one’s easy.” She held up her arms. They ended in stumps. “I was born without hands. My name’s Wrist, by the way.”

“Redemption. Pleased to meet you.”

“Yeah. All those who are unfit for work can do whatever they want, so long as they stay out of the way. I used to be out, with scythes tied to my arms, but then a longtooth snagged my leg.” She sighed. “Now I’m only a breeder, except I’m underage so I can’t do that.”

“Well.” Redemption decided that the conversation had taken too awkward a turn to continue. He was saved when Flab scampered in.

“Redemption! I’ve got the party together. We need to go!”

“Nice talking with you,” Wrist said, standing up. “Hope you snag a big one.”

Redemption nodded and crawled out after Flab. “What are we hunting?”

“Oh, you’ll see,” Flab replied. “Though I’d suggest you be ready to dodge a lot.”
>>>
Our hero has a name! But what does he hunt? Feel free to suggest ANYTHING!

[mystery_girl]

Quite an interesting story. Very well written. Can't wait to read on.

[Masterweaver]

Okay, so it's well-written. Where will it go?

[mystery_girl]

How about unicorns ? For there blood or horns ?

[Masterweaver]

Yeah, I could deal with that...

We've got unicorns! Any other suggestions?

[mystery_girl]

Leprechauns?
Scarrobs (don't know how it's spelled)
Elves ?
Dwarfs ?
Slithering silver serpents with a poisonous bite ?

[Masterweaver]

I'll keep your suggestions in mind, but this isn't fantasy.

[mystery_girl]

Well then how about wild animals such as boar, ox, bears, wolves ?

[Masterweaver]

Mys, I understand that you are trying to be helpful, and that I provoked you. Generally, however, we let other people attempt to offer suggestions as well.

[Masterweaver]

So far, thanks to our friendly Mys, we have Unicorns, Serpents of Silver, and Wolves. Does anyone wish to suggest anything more... mutated? This is post apocalypse...

[Jack_D.Mented]

Perhaps some form of freakishly deformed insect like gigantic grasshoppers equipped with a hornet's stinger and a spider's mandibles?

[Mephistopheles]

spitting cobra's, with scorpion stingers on their tails.

good job MW, very minor errors and a decent intro to the people of the future. keep working on it and giving me more to read :)

[Player of Fates]

A mutant tribe of obscenely long armed humans whose skin is the color of gang green and smell like it two. They move like gorillas and have weird spines jutting from their vertebrae. Those are the males. The females look human and are incredibly sexy and ooze sexual appeal.

[Masterweaver]

So that's Jack's Zergling, Messy's Scrobras, and Plates' Gangly Gangreen.

Poll is up! Head to the petting zoo and feed your vote to the animal of your choice!

[Crunchyfrog]

Just caught up with this, but judging by the poll it doesn't look like you need any more suggestions!

Here's a bit of a crit for you...

A few techy bits to watch out for -

Quote: Uncomfortably, he moved to break it. “Hello… friend. I wonder, could you point me to the nearest human settlement?”

“Yes. I will take you to my village.”

“Your village. Your village has… humans?”

“Surely, for am I not human?”

The two stared at each other. The red one looked away.

“Of course. Yes, you are… human.”

“Well, then you shall travel with me. Our village is only a short distance away. What is your name, stranger?”

“I… do not know what my name is.”

It is not easy to figure out who is saying what, here. I was pulled up for the same thing early on in my SG. Adding a few actions helps identify who is who, helps build the characters and adds a little animation to the scene.

For example:

Quote: Uncomfortably, he moved to break it. “Hello… friend. I wonder, could you point me to the nearest human settlement?”

The being's facial quills quivered for a moment. “Yes. I will take you to my village,” he replied after a moment's pause.

The machine brought its head closer to its companion.“Your village. Your village has… humans?” it asked.

“Surely, for am I not human?”

The two stared at each other. The machine looked away.

“Of course. Yes, you are… human.”

“Well, then you shall travel with me," replied the other, turning about and skittering towards the foot of the cliff on its three legs. "Our village is only a short distance away." Suddenly he stopped, and turned back to his mechanical companion. "What is your name, stranger?”

“I… do not know what my name is.”

Probably not exactly right, but I hope you get the idea.

Also watch out for tense - there are a few present tense sentences slipping in there.

Until the hero is given the name 'Redemption', he is always being referred to as 'The red one'. Perhaps you could vary that a bit, which will help keep the visual description of him in mind.

Overall I found this chapter happened a bit too fast. Suddenly we are introduced to a lot of characters with little understanding of what the community is about. Also I am curious as to why Redemption and this community have so readily accepted one another without any questions, mistrust, etc. Also it seems that Redemption is suddenly remembering rather a lot considering he doesn't even know what he is or what his real name is. Too much superficial information and not enough detail can lead to confusion.

Watch out for things being too convenient... slow it down some.

Have voted!

[Masterweaver]

I've had a tie for three days now. Will somebody vote?

And as for being too convenient... We shall see.

[CunningFox]

The poll seems to be closed, but it looks lke it was broken anyway. Aren';t Zerglings on Starcraft?

[DELETED]

DELETED

[CurlyBear]

Quote: How can you day that?

I'm assuming it should be say.

Anyway, this is quite an interesting story. I'm looking forward to the next chappy.

[Masterweaver]

From his perch in the cavern, Knowledge watched as Redemption conversed with Wrist. The red metallic being, crisscrossed with hairline cracks, was still better constructed then any shinebeast he had ever seen. And, of course, there was his size to factor in. There was no doubt this one was powerful.

From a group of stragglers, a legless hag pulled herself over to him. Her face was stretched taught over her skull, and her three-fingered hands protruded bone. The strang flowing cloth she wore was as black as her scraggly thin hair. She turned her hateful gaze upon Redemption.

“The others of the village are too trusting in your judgment to say anything, but we’re all thinking it. That is a shinebeast, no argument.”

Knowledge clacked his beak. “He is not a shinebeast.”

“The fact is, he is not to be trusted. He will slaughter us in our sleep if we let him run wild!”

“Wisdom, you have argued with me over every choice I’ve made.”

“For good reason! You are completely capable of failure, as your actions with this new creature demonstrate—“

Knowledge nodded as the hunting party entered. “Strength! Come over here.”

A man with a lopsided head and a single braid of brown hair separated from the group. His build was squat, but very powerful, and wore baggy shorts. Every muscle in his right arm was defined to a pristine condition, and his six-fingered right hand looked able to wrap around anything’s neck. Only his left arm, shrunken to the point of vestigial use, looked out of place.

“You called?”

“You’re taking the new one out on you hunt. He’s called Redemption. Watch for longteeth.”

Strength nodded and returned to the group.

“You’re sending him out on a hunt?” Wisdom clenched her hands, which must have been painful for her. “He’ll kill all the hunters!”

“Three stillborns and five deaths this week alone.” Knowledge sighed, watching as the hunting party left. “We need all the help we can get.”

***

“This is Long,” Flab said, pulling Redemption over to meet the man. Dark skinned and with four legs, Long extended his right arm to its most and grasped the metal one’s hand in greeting. His left eye appeared to have been gored out a few years back. He was incredibly thin, to the point where it amazed Redemption he could walk.

A feeling had been building up for a while, one that Redemption had yet to identify. In an epiphany, he realized it was revulsion. Revulsion at the life these people had to live in a land that he vaguely remembered as being wonderful.

“So, you going out on the hunt?” A new figure entered the conversation, returning from his brief chat with Knowledge.

“Redemption, this is Strength,” Flab sad, fingering a quill nervously. “He, ah, has some issues with, well—“

“Shinebeasts killed my son.”

Redemption froze. Then, slowly, he bowed his head. “I am very sorry to hear that.”

“He went to their lands. It was a fair move.”

“Nonetheless—“

”I only trust you as far as Knowledge does. He stops trusting you, and your life ends.”

Redemption balked at this simple, emotionless threat. True, he was a bit of a stranger in these parts, but death? This was unprovoked…

“Flab, you arranged the party, who’s coming with?” The muscular man turned to the tripod, who began counting off his fingers

“Me, Long, you, Redemption, the Twins, maybe Spider.”

“Maybe?”

“You know how she is.”

Strength nodded and rubbed his weak arm. “Let’s go round them up. Not you,” he added as Redemption stepped forward. “You stay here. Polish that metal of yours.”

Redemption paused, then nodded. “I suppose you know what you are doing.”

“Have to. Else I’d die.” Strength motioned to Flab and Long, and the all maneuvered their way down the rocks.

As they headed off, Redemption looked at the sky. The sun was beating down in a cloudless sky, scorching the ground and the people below it. The fields of thin, scraggly plants were carefully tended by the strange beings that appeared to believe themselves human. A six-legged lizard skittered by, pausing to glance up at him, then moving on.

The world had taken a very strange turn.

***

“So, what are we hunting?”

Spider turned her bald eyeless head to Redemption. “Scrobras,” she hissed in her sibilant voice. “They spit death and have a barbed tail.”

She returned her head to its former position, one that allowed her to pick up a multitude of quiet sounds, and crawled onward. Her spine was at a right angle to her pelvis, so she always needed to keep one of her two pairs of arms on the ground. But most frightening was her expression, one that remained unaffected by fear, love, hate….

She had also obtained a grey leotard. Redemption wisely deigned not to comment.

“I still don’t think taking this shinebeast along was a good idea,” commented the left twin.

“And if we didn’t?” queried her sister. “I want him where we can see him.”

“Enough,” Long said suddenly. “Knowledge trusts him.”

Redemption looked down at the Twins. Their hair had the same quill quality as Flab, and their skin was dotted with scaly growths. They were mostly human otherwise, though they shared a pair of legs. The complicated two-top dress they wore was obviously a jury-rigged solution. Their most unfortunate tendency, in his observance, was that they would quarrel over whether the sky was blue or denim in color.

Strength held up his hand. They all fell silent.

In front of them was a dip in the land. Slithering around it, black as the rocks, what presumably were the scrobras. Their tails were capped by massive stingers, and their lidless eyes slowly lifted to peer at the hunters with mild interest. Each one was around two meters long, and all looked able to crush rocks in their powerful coils.

Very quietly, the twins handed out spears to each of the hunters. Redemption took his with a slight nod. The group spread out and took positions in a semicircle around the mass of reptiles.

“Aim for their heads,” Strength advised. “Locks their jaw, so they can’t spit.”

There was a brief moment of tension, as the hunters watched the scrobras who looked at them quietly.

Strength nodded.

The spears were thrown.

In an instant, the scrobras changed from resting harmlessly to rising and expanding their cowls. The hunters ducked down as an ominous hiss filled the air. Redemption, unprepared, was assaulted by a spray of liquid that drained harmlessly down his torso. The scrobras, unfazed, began to slither toward him, barbs raised.

“Second volley!”

Strength’s command brought the hunters back up to throw their other spears. They dodged down immediately, but one scrobra moved fast and managed to hit Spider. She gave an involuntary yip, and Redemption started towards her.

“Stop!” ordered Strength. “You’re covered in poison, you’d make it worse!”

The scrobras, hissing angrily, slithered onwards. One managed to jam its barb into Redemption, without effect. The creature emitted a startled, almost human gasp, pulling back its tail. The red one picked it up and flung it desperately back into the depression.

Innumerable black heads followed the trajectory of their brother. Then, with a final hiss, they retreated, soon merging with the mountainside.

The hunters stood, examining their kills.

“Twelve,” commented Strength. “Not bad for one outing. Twins, gather the spears. Long, tend to Spider.”

“And I?”

Strength looked the metal giant up and down. “You? You’re covered in scrobra spit. Find some way to wipe that off, we can’t waste water back at the village.”

Redemption nodded. “I will try. How would you suggest--?”

A loud, screeching howl pierced the area, It was followed by another, and another, and yet another…

Strength grabbed a spear from the twins and threw it. A yelp and a gurgle later, a canine covered in thick grey quills fell at Redemption’s feet. Its mouth was propped open by the spear embedded in its jaw, and for an instant he saw the yellowed half-meter incisors.

“Longteeth,” pronounced Strength, pulling out the spear. “They know where we are.”

“We’re too far from the village,” said Spider. “They won’t know to send the guard—Ouch!”

“Hold still,” ordered the left twin, wrapping her venom burn. “You got it all over your shoulder.”

Long said nothing, only took a pair of spears.

“Redemption, you must get to the village and bring the guard,” growled Strength. “You’re the only one that can fight through the longteeth. You hear me? Get the guard! We can hold out for as long as it takes!”
>>>
Death is nearing. How shall we ward it off? I wish to know from you...

[DELETED]

DELETED

[Masterweaver]

What sand?

Okay, so we've got move as a group to the village and skin the shoulder. Did I hear that right?

[Masterweaver]

*ahem*

[DELETED]

DELETED

[Masterweaver]

Is anybody else going to suggest anything, or do I have to make all the options myself?

[Crunchyfrog]

Patience, Masterweaver. Your chapter has barely been up 3 days. Give it a week before putting up a poll, and announce when your poll is going up about 24 hours beforehand.

I'm catching up on a few SG's right now and will be getting around to yours soon.

Cheers
CF

[Chinaren]

Nicely written MW. I said I'd comment after the 4th chapter, and here I am.

Just one little thing I caught. A word repetition...

Quote: Redemption looked at the sky. The sun was beating down in a cloudless sky,

As for the DP. There appears to be no shelter yes? If they can find shelter, get to it whilst Red fight the longteeth. Use the poison all over his body if it affects them to cover their spears to help the others.