City of IF

[Chinaren]

Warning! Read at your own risk!

Alert! Warning! Danger!

This SGame contains unsuitable material! Twisted adult scenes! Perversion! Violence! Torture! Bad language! More perversion! Other disgusting stuff!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you are young, don’t like ‘naughty scenes’, lack a humorous disposition, or are otherwise unsuitable, then don’t read this SGame!

I have this warning at the top of each chapter, so it should be fairly clear by now.


Chapter 9 – Clowning Around.

Starring, in no particular order:

Lord of the Night as Mr. Night.
Never and Solus as ‘The Twins’
Harley as The Biker Fairy.
Algu as Algu the Amusing.

Special Guest Star: Lebrenth as The Owner.


Lord of the Night leaned back in his chair, tipping it onto two legs as he blew cigar smoke into the air.

“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” complained Harley. “Ever hear of second hand smoke?” She waved her had in front of her face and wrinkled her nose.

“Don’t be such a prude,” said Never.

The three (or four, depending upon how you looked at it with the Twins) were sitting at a table in the library. Dinranwen had been shuffled back off to join her group, and the librarian was recovering somewhere in the shadows. Lord of the Night shifted slightly, the whip marks on his behind still stung.

“I’m a fairy for fucks sake!” Harley retorted. “I live on nectar and love.”

“Yeah, lots of love from what I saw down in that dungeon. Big, fat blubbery love,” Never snickered.

“Fuck you!” Harley said. “If you want to start something you schizo freak…” she leaned forward.

“Ladies, please!” Lord interrupted. “I’ve seen enough bitch on bitch action tonight. It’s time to do some work.”

The two (three) females settled back down slowly, glaring at each other all the while.

Eventually Never spoke. “What’s next on the agenda then?” she asked.

Lord of the Night pulled out his list. “The Stone of the Dead,” he said.

“Sounds like fun,” Never said.

“What’s that then?” asked Harley, taking a swig from her flask. “I didn’t double cross Good to be smothered in MIWLF* blubber. I want results. Action. Drink.”

“The book was surprisingly vague on details. Something dark and necromantic though.” Lord shrugged.

“Where is it? No doubt in some gloomy boneyard with a name like that,” asked the fallen fairy.

“Actually, I’m not sure where it is,” Lord said, reading his paper. He looked at Harley and smiled. “However, I’ve done a little research and I know a man who does. I think you’re going to like this one…”

*The ‘W’ stands for “Wouldn’t”

>

Big city was, as you would imagine considering Evil had founded the place, big on bars and nightclubs. The most popular of which was currently the ‘Rabid Beaver’. That is to say, the most popular with the non magical, half respectable crowd, who wanted nothing more to get wasted and laid, in whatever order came first.

Sliding down the scale, and by down I mean way, way down, came the delightfully named ‘Slut bar’. It was situated in the sleazy part of town, which, considering what the up-market places were like, was pretty bloody sleazy. Parked on the corner of Skank Avenue and Pussy Lane*, it drew a crowd of the most morally reprehensible scum-of-the-earth as anyone could imagine, and I can imagine pretty well, let me tell you. When you went into the place you were asked if you were carrying any weapons, and if you answered ‘no’, they tried to sell you one. Not that it was so dangerous these days you understand. The fatality rate was way down since security had been handed over to the Mob. Barely one person a night was killed now. Except Saturdays perhaps, which was fairly busy.

Three figures splashed through the puddles on Pussy Lane, emerging from the gloom of the night like some cool movie effect. Solus was slightly ahead of Lord and Harley, walking steadily with a big grin on her face and bloodstains on her coat. She was talking to herself.

“Really, that last one was simply not necessary,” she was saying. “You know stomach acid stains are hard to get out. I’m the one who ends up doing the washing you know.”

“Oh hush,” said Solus, in a voice almost exactly the same. “I’m enjoying myself. How come we haven’t come down here in so long?”

“Laundry bills aren’t cheap,” she answered herself, back in her first voice.

“Here we are,” she replied, stopping and breaking the arm of a large biker fellow, who had sidled close and appeared to be wanting something that passed for romance in this area of town.

The three ignored the howling leather clad figure and examined the exterior of the Slut bar.

“Mmm,” said Lord after a moment. “How come I haven’t been here before?”

“Too snobbish,” said Harley.

The outside of the establishment was barely visible under the graffiti and bill posts. If either had any that weren’t X rated, Lord couldn’t see them. A long queue of hopeful clientele stood in a line outside, waiting their turn to be vetted by the two enormous bouncers that guarded the way in.

“I was never one for waiting in the rain,” Lord of the Night said. He stepped forward, approaching the nearest sentry, who looked him up and down, taking in his expensive long black cloak and shiny shoes with the distain of one who can’t afford such.

“I require entry,” Lord said to the man, who had ‘Fuck off’ skillfully tattooed on his forehead.

“Name’s not on the list, you’re not coming in,” the large fellow retorted skillfully. “The birds can come in though.” He winked at Never and Harley, showing surprising brain capacity.

“You don’t know my name,” Lord replied. “Yet.”

“Don’t care. Fuck off,” came the reply, as per advertised by his brow.

Lord of the Night stepped forward quickly, and there was a tearing sound as the large blade he was suddenly holding slit the bouncer’s stomach open, spilling intestines out on to the already dirty street.

He watched calmly as Fuck Off slowly collapsed in an undignified heap on the floor, and then turned to the other bouncer, who was watching, wide eyed. “Now then. Do you know my name?” He wiped the dagger on the body.

“Sir,” replied the other large chap, who was possibly slightly quicker on the uptake.

“Excellent. These three… er, two ladies are with me. We shall be requiring a private table and a quick chat with the owner.”

“And a lot of booze,” added Harley.

“And a plentiful supply of beverages,” added Lord.

“This way sir,” the newly friendly bouncer said, gesturing inside at a female in a skimpy bunny outfit apparently made of leather.

“Wonderful,” said Lord of the Night, stepping over the newly deceased. “I knew I’d like this place the moment I saw it.”

The bunny girl smiled at him and gestured for them to follow. She pushed her way through the throng, brutally rebuffing the crude advance of a drunken reveler with an efficient kick to the nuts, and led them into the main dance hall.

The sounds of D.J Piss On Yuz Fuka Bastad washed over the group like a giant tsunami obliterating a city, threatening permanent hearing damage and causing vibrations that traveled up the body and rattled Lord of the Night’s teeth.

Harley said something, shouted it actually, into his ear. He failed to hear and she rolled her eyes and gave up.

They followed the woman in silence, all noise drowned out by the electronic house-punk-garage compositions of Fuka’s drug addled brain. Glancing about as they pushed their way through the crowd jerking around in what drunken/stoned people believe is cool dancing, but in reality closely resembles an epileptic chicken who’s just had its head chopped off.

Lord forced his way past a teenaged girl in a mini-skirt, who was bent over a bar stool and being sodomized by a gentleman in a one piece body stocking, and stumbled up some steps guarded by a security man in a tight black t-shirt.

Immediately the noise levels dropped to merely deafening, and continued to drop until Lord could hear the ringing in his ears. By that time they’d been led to a private booth with a purple semi-circled couch around a low table.

Harley flopped into the seat, sitting with legs spread wide. “Drinks!” she commanded. “Lots of them and quickly. I’m drying up here.”

Never and Lord sat down in a rather more demure fashion next to her. “Tell the owner I wish to speak to him immediately,” he said to the bunny.

The woman nodded and skittered off back into the disco.

“Tell me again why we want to speak to the owner,” said Harley, scratching her private place.

Lord of the Night sighed. “The man is a friend, possibly the only one, of Algu the Amusing. I’m assuming he knows where to find him.”

“How come?” asked Never.

Lord shrugged. “I’m sure there’s a fascinating tale of bonding somewhere behind it all, but I really don’t give a toss. Besides, I wanted a drink.”

“Can’t argue with that,” said Never.

The Bunny came back with a tray loaded with various beverages. She leaned over, giving Lord of the Night a generous view down her top. “The owner will be with you in a moment,” she said, depositing the tray on the table.

Nodding, Lord watched her behind wiggle away, and picked up a bottle of beer.

“Only beer?” asked Harley, who had a bottle of whisky in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other.

“I’m working,” he replied, taking a sip and considering the taste for a moment, before deciding it was acceptable and drinking a little more.

“Is that the owner?” asked Never, pointing at an approaching figure with her mouth open.

Some people are fat and ugly. It has to be said. I know it’s not all ‘P.C’ and all that shit, but there you go, call a spade a spade for craps’ sake. Now, people who fall into the category can do one of two things. Most Fugglies try and cover it up. Maybe the richer ones have cosmetic surgery. They wear dark baggy clothes and try to avoid bright places and standing next to thin people.

The other type go the other way. They flaunt their ugliness, enhancing it by dying their hair, piercing parts of the body and wearing outlandish garments. ‘Look at me!’ They scream at you. I’m a fat ugly bastard and I’m proud of it! Fuck you and all your thin handsome ways, this is what the gods gave me, so who am I to argue?

Who knows? Maybe they have the better of it.

This man fell into the second category. Actually more than fell. More like pushed and kicked his way into the second category, swearing all the way. He was a large man, in girth as well as height. His hair had been fashioned into a spiky upstanding mold and dyed a bright yellow, which made it look like a mutant lemon had overwhelmed his head. Elton John style star shaped, pink tinted glasses clashed horribly with both the hair and the green velvet jacket he wore. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, which allowed the onlookers a view of his pudgy body, complete with pierced nipples. A sparkly gold tooth did match the large nose ring, which in turned was paired with the hoops threaded through both his protruding ears. Stubby fat fingers were decorated with coin sized rings. A set of purple britches, which complimented the couch, and bright red Dock Martin boots completed the fashion extravaganza.

“S’up bitches?” he said.

“Your attire?” muttered Harley, who had momentarily stopped drinking to stare.

“You’re the owner?” asked Lord, ignoring the fairy.

“Yo, brutha, dat’s me. Lebrenth** not at yo service. Who da fuck are you?”

“My name is Lord of the Night. If you would kindly be seated, though not too close, I wish to ask you some questions.”

“Aint got time fo’ no interr-igashun man. Busy, you dig?”

Lord stood up. His eyes suddenly darkened, and a chill shadow crept over the booth as he stepped up to the large man. “Listen to me weirdo. I’m a member of a certain… underground organization, and I wish some information. Now, are you going to be obliging, or am I going to have to cut parts of your body off?”

Lebrenth gulped. “Okay man! Chill! I geddit. What you want?”

“I understand you know of the whereabouts of a certain Algu, often called ‘The Amusing’, am I correct?”

Lebrenth suddenly went silent.

“Come now, surely the information can’t be that hard to impart?” Lord said.

The big man took a deep breath. “Listen bro,” he said. “Yo’ don’t want to be messin’ wid dis dude. You hear what ‘m sayin?”

“No, I don’t believe I do,” Lord replied. “Please enlighten us.”

“Man, dis man, he aint no clown, not really. He just bin cursed like dat. Fo’ hundred twenty years, it’s made him one mean bruder.”

“And yet you’re his friend,” Never said.

Lebrenth looked at her for a moment, and then back at Lord of the Night. “Really man, dis…” He stopped suddenly as he was grabbed by the throat and lifted off the floor.

“Just tell us where he is… man!” Solus snarled.

Lebrenth’s eyes widened at the sight of the diminutive female who was currently holding him up by one hand. “K! k!” he gasped. “He live upstairs. I let him use da apartment der.”

“Very well,” said Solus, dropping him and returning control of the body to Never.

“Let’s go,” said Lord.

“Go?”

“To see him.”

“He aint der bro. He goes out at night, y’ know? Likes da graveyards. Dunno when he back man.”

“Ha! Told you!” said Harley, who was standing up and swaying in time to the beat, still holding her drinks, which had considerably less alcohol inside by now.

“Still, I think we’ll wait for him. It shall be a wonderful surprise when he comes home, yes?”

“For who?” grumbled Never, but followed as Lord hustled the grumbling Lebrenth away, towards the back door.

Harley followed, grooving to the beat in an ever less steady way. At one point a large gentlemen swung close, grabbing her around the waist. The small fairy shouted and smashed her nearly empty whisky bottle over his head. The man fell to the floor and Harley stole his wallet before catching up with the others.

Lebrenth led them through a small door at the rear of the club, reducing the music to a bass rumble in the background. They followed him through some dark corridors that were seriously overdue for a cleaning, and to the bottom of a flight of dusty stairs.

“Up der man. First on da left. I aint going wid yo bitches. He aint happy about being disturbed, yo know what I mean man?”

“Thank-you,” said Lord. He looked at Never, who rolled her eyes and pushed past him.

“Ladies first is it?” she said.

Lord of the Night started up after her, and Harley swayed up last.

The hallway at the top was singularly unspectacular. A plain wooden floor set the scene. Peeling faded wallpaper covered with graffiti lined the walls, with the monotony only broken by the occasional plain door.

Never stalked over to the first on the left and, after wiping it, gingerly put her ear to the door. “Nothing,” she said after a few moments of attempting to hear anything over the dull thump of the music below.

“Go,” said Lord.

Making a face, Solus stepped back and, after taking a deep breath, kicked the door clean off its hinges, sending it flying into the room to smash into the wall on the far side. She leaped in after it, coming to a defensive position in the middle of a dark space.

There was a flash of light and an explosion, and she was knocked back out again, hitting the corridor wall with two dull thumps.

“Spell trap!” gasped Harley, taking a deep swig of vodka. “Bugger!”

“Never, Solus! Are you alright?” Lord of the Night stepped forward and then stopped. Obviously they weren’t. The Twins, born together so it was said, were now split clean down the center, exposing the internal organs in a rather embarrassing display.

As Lord and Harley watched, the left side, which was blond, tried to sit up, not very successfully. The right side, which was dark haired, cursed awkwardly with half a mouth. “Whaa thrr fckk!!??”

“Ouch,” said Harley, wincing. “That’s gotta hurt.”

Lord of the Night rolled his eyes as the two halves of the Twins thrashed about on the floor. He turned to the fairy. “Go down to Lebrenth and ask if he’s got any tape. We need to fix this.”

“Tape?”

“Do you have a better idea?” Lord gestured at the split personality. “The whole is more than the two halves, so they say. We need the whole before Algu gets here.”

“Did someone mention my name?”

The two still standing swiveled around, to view a fat white faced character sporting a red nose and wearing a faded long coat. A plastic flower twirled amusingly on his lapel.

“You broke my door!” Algu cackled, a high pitched laugh that wasn’t at all funny. “You’ll pay for that! Pay with your lives!”

Lord of the Night threw a fireball at the clown, but the humorous figure held out a hand, and it careered away, hitting the wall with a dull fizz.

“Naughty fairy, naughty demon thing,” Algu said. He waved a hand clad in a dirty white glove, and Harley went flying into the wall, propelled by some invisible force.

“Shit,” she said, before sliding to the floor, unconscious.

“Crap.” Lord said, backing away and looking about. The hallway ended a little way behind him. Apart from another couple of closed doors, there was no other way out.

“Your turn,” said Algu, advancing on Lord. “Prepare to be amused. Amused to Death! Mwahahahahaha!”

Lordy rolled his eyes. “Everyone’s a clown,” he said.


*There were a lot of cat shops nearby.
**Hey, I wanted to put someone in for free. I’m generous like that.

>>>>>>

Phew, that chapter threatened to go on forever!

So, what’s Lordy’s next move? Let’s hear all you mad suggestions!

Don’t forget to add this to your favorites if you like it!

Time to pay up for the following bids: :)

Random bid Algu, 200 fables - for Algu only to have been hit with a powerful curse for 120 years. Really, he is not a clown.

Random bid Nenners, 200F - The Twins to be split by a wayward spell at some point.

Corruption Bid. - They only get half-split, from the waist up, so they can argue with each other and first with each other, but they still share... below the belt. *Curently nullified*

Un-corruption bid: Nenners, 220 F - To negate Whitey's bid above.

Minor Random Bid: Harley, 25F - For Harley to break a glass bottle over someone's head

<<<<<<

[NeverNeverGirl]

I think that you are a freaking genius!!! LOL i laughed till i choked. :P

Oh Lebby what has poor ren done to you?!

okay so the fairy is unconcious, the twins are split in half (knew i should have specified! GRR lol) and Lordy is facing off with a psycho clown? :P

Well i think that Lordy is a tough nut to crack. I doubt that Algu will Amuse him at all let alone amuse him to death... so Lordy is the only one in a mazillion years who has ever been immune to Algu thus winning his respect and allowing them to form some sort of alliance. o-)

Or perhaps the guy harley smashed over the head can come looking for her and accidently save the day ... then make it um, Cyberworm :D - and do some hilarious stuff to him. :lol:

BTW please dont forget the tape... :-o

[Rune]

Night threatens to burn algu's home to the ground (including the valuables inside it) unless he provides him with the object he seeks and let's them leave. Better yet, being evil, I'd ask to be heard out first..and plead my case if given the opportunity. Assuming I wasn't given the chance, I'd threaten to burn the place down and demand the item. In the event my case was heard but Algu chose not to give me the item, I'd threaten to burn the place down and all within it.

In short, burning the place down is a good, all around backup plan. :-p

[algu95]

So, you two above - Rune and Nene - want Lordy to die? You are evil :shock:

I suggest Lordy does something really unexpected, which fails in an amusing way, somehow.

Phsyco clowns rock the day...

[Rune]

I said something about death? I could see how someone could misconstrue 'threaten to burn the place down and all within it' as maybe meaning burn himself dead as well...but A.) it's a threat and B.) it would constitute everyone...including Algu and Ne and Solus and Harley. C.) for it to be read that way would be taken out of context with the previous statements and point of burning the place down.

So I'm honestly wondering how you concocted the idea that I wanted Night to die from what was said in my post. I don't see hints, allusions or anything to imply it anywhere within the post. No words related to it, nothing.

Furthermore, the whole point in threatening to burn the place down is (hopefully obviously) to prevent himself from dying. You might as well have said 'So you want Night to wear a pink skirt and suck a lollipop! How mean' since it's equally as alien and unrelated a concept.

I didn't know Ne posted. She must have done so exactly at the same time I did. Evil.

[LordoftheNight]

I think what Algu means is that a confrontation with him would only have one ending. He's obviously mistaken in the matter, but we'll let him keep his little delusions.

Due to the character of Lordy portrayed, I think he'll try to bargain with the Clown. Maybe offer him a job, or something - everyone wants something afterall.

[algu95]

Rune wrote: I didn't know Ne posted. She must have done so exactly at the same time I did. Evil.

You posted two minutes later.

Oh, and I was just... ;) Suggesting things. Not really kill him... Why not... Hire him out to Lebbie? :grin:

[NeverNeverGirl]

Rune wrote: I didn't know Ne posted. She must have done so exactly at the same time I did. Evil.


I am not Evil. I am pretty* - there is a difference though some of the powers are basically the same.




*and modest too :P

[The Dark]

The Dark liked this. The Dark thinks Lord of the Night should hold the fairy in front of him and use her as a shield.

[The White Blacksmith]

The Whitey gives the F5 to the Dark.

[algu95]

Evil, both of you, but a good plan :lol:

[Chinaren]

Any more? I'll put up a poll in a day or so.

[Chinaren]

Very well, the poll is up. Laugh at the clown of voting.

[NeverNeverGirl]

okay i totally couldnt decide... so i just went with my gut... YAY

[Crunchyfrog]

*begins huge catch up crusade, starting with Wrath*

Voted! Excellent chapter. :D

[algu95]

I was feeling evil today. Sorry, Harley, but I think this will hurt! :lol:

[Chinaren]

You lot are nasty.

Hehe. :grin:

[The White Blacksmith]

Of course we are. Otherwise it wouldn;t be as much fun.

[algu95]

We all are as evil as the Devil,
The Devil,
The Devil,
We all are as evil as the Devil,
The Devil,
The Devil.

We all hate little fairies,
Little fairies,
Little fairies,
We all hate little fairies,
Little fairies,
Little fairies.

What?

[The White Blacksmith]

LOL!

Algo's rapping!

[algu95]

Nope, just ripping off 'We all live in a yellow submarine,' and changing it... A bit ;)

Oh, and note: It's Algu/y, the ev(/b)il Wizard/Necromancer :grin:

... Or phsyci :-x Clown.

[Chinaren]

Okay people. So Harley wins*. Now, what horrible curse can Algu cast upon her? Bearing in mind he'll be aiming at lordy.

Don't hold back now! Let your imagination rip. Remember this is a clown. Twisted and evil, but still a clown.


*In a losing kind of way.

[algu95]

Hmmmm...

Something that turns the cursed one so big (but leaves the eyes unaffected), so the cursed one is blinded. Also, they get weak. And remember, they get a red nose and pink/purple/'geeky' red hair colors in stripes.

[The White Blacksmith]

A curse that puts 70 years on whoever it is cast on.

Remember, this is a clown. I can't be deadly, or serious.

[algu95]

Hey! I mixed penalty and humor, since no one would be stupid enough to put a curse that does nothing on someone! Well, maybe that half-orc bard...