City of IF

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

Hey! This isn't my first story, but it is my first one on here, and my first one in !st person P.O.V. I don't have microsoft word, so please cut my a little slack on grammer and spelling, while feeling free to advise me on the correct spellings of any words. Thanks!


Chapter 1

Hello,my name Chrysanthmum Elizabeth Roselynn, I may look like a normal teenage girl, but I'm often refered to as Detective Chris. I sleuth out evil where ever it may be. Oh! And this is my dog Liza, she is very loyal and has helped me out of a tight spot more times then I can count! Though I'm smart, I rely on the inventions of my friend Dr. Ross Higgims alot. But don't go looking for a female kid detective, theres a reason I'm known as detective 'Chris'. I go out as a boy when i'm sleuthing. Though it may cause a few problems, it prevents anyone from knowing it's me!Well,everyone except that teenage FBI agent Max Mackenzie . . . I haven't told him,but I'm pretty sure he knows anyway . . .

So here I am,sitting in a small shack with me and my dog tied to a pole waiting for the ticking to stop and for us to be blown to smithereens. How'd I get here? That's easy. I was sluething again and sticking my nose where it didn't belong. . .
I was doing my best to keep quiet enough to overhear the Blaster Brothers plans,but there was lots of crushed glass everywhere. My foot came in contact with some of it, and I slipped. I skidded and found myself right next to them, a bad place to be. "Oh it's you again is it!"shouted Bluster Blaster, I laughed too the first time I heard that, as his brother lifted me up. "Chris boy,you've gone and gotten yourself into a lot of trouble." I spat in his face and said proudly, "Nope sorry,that'd be you." Kicking and flailing, I tried my best to get away, but to no avail, he held firm. "Let me go!" The only responce was laughing. Then Liza, silly dog that she is, blows her cover and starts barking at the Blaster Brothers. Bomb Blaster in particular. After all, he was the one holding her master. "Liza you stupid mutt!" I yelled. Bluster looked up at me. "This pitt is yours?" "She's only half pitt." I muttered in reply, while refusing to look him in the eye. I heard a yelp and looked over to see One of Blusters croonies stepping on my dogs tail. "You get off my dogs tail right now or I'll-"I started bursting out, before Bluster interupted me. "Or you'll what? Yell us to death?" I ground my teeth and wisely keep quiet, or at least I thought it had been wisely. I knew when they were tying me against a pole later on that keeping quiet, wasn't what they had wanted.

So, now we're both caught up. What happened next? Me and my dog-Sorry what was that? Oh sorry. My dog and I, were blown up to smithereens. End of story. That didn't happen, but it would of if Max, the arragent jerk, hadn't decided to save me just as I was giving up.

"Liza, I think we finnaly got in too deep this time girl." It was then the door decided to fall down, as if it were kicked,and there in the doorway stood a teenage boy, most likely my age, seventeen, with an FBI badge on his chest. "You Detective Chris?" he asked, to which I replyed smartly."Even if I wasn't it wouldn't matter." I lifted my chin. "Yup I'm Chris, now get me untied please." He raised an eyebrow. "You in some kinda hurry?" He's enjoying seeing me sqirm. I thought before saying. "Kinda, or do you not hear the ticking!" Though I started out calm, the end of my sentence was a yell, which, for some reason, always, always gives me away. "Hormone slip there buddy?" Let me tell you of the only bad thing I've encountered so far in pretending to be a guy, the fact that you got to deepen your voice. "Can't we talk about this after, oh I don't know, we're both safe?!" I snaped, manageing, just barely, to keep my voice deep.
"I'm not in any danger."
"I was talking about me and my dog, you weren't on the list."
He srugged then walked over and untied the rope, then helped me up, after which I started running. I had just jumped over a ridge when the impact hit. I looked to my side and, annoyingly, Max had made it too.
I stuck out my hand gruffly. "Detective Chris, and you are?"He grabbed my hand and shook it gruffly and said "Agent Max Mackenzie, HQ sent me to save you" I blinked and sadi "The FBI, they sent you to save me? But they- they hate me!" I watched as he sighed and ran a hand thorugh his Brown shaggy hair. "WEll, they do hate that your always improching on their territory, but now they need your help cracking a case not even the best agents can solve." I purssed my lips in frustration and muttered "The FBI head office is full of hypocrits." I muttered before looking around and calling, "Liza!" I looked at him, and saw he was
staring at me like I had lost it. "My dogs name is Liza." I explained, before standing up and seeing my dog lying in another one of the ridges, perfectly unharmed. "Thank god." I muttered under my breath, before jumping over one of the smaller ridges and running to Liza, who met me with a lick on my cheek. "Come on girl, we better go. Otherwise the blaster brothers might figure out we didn't die in that explostion." I turned around, and saw that Max was still staring at me, a thoughtful expression on his face. I walked rightt up to him and tapped his shoulder. "Well, Mackenzie? Shall we be off?" He jumped ever so slightly at me speaking, and nodded. "First we'll goto your home-"He started, but I interupted him. "No." I saw him blink a few times, then open his mouth to say soemthing. I got there first.
"I am not going back to my home, we'll go to the FBI HQ."
"Why won't you go back?"
"Well, my parents don't know about-"
"Oh. Well, why not?"He interupted me to say. I blushed and said "They, well. . .I'm not really what they expect me to be." I closed my eyes, briefly, and saw my mother and father. When I opened them again , I added "They, well they don't-"
"I understand." I blinked, surprsied at Max interupting me. "You do?" I looked at him closely then. His eyes had a distant look, and where aimed off somewhere to the side of the field. He then said, completely surprising me, "I ran away from home when I was thirteen because my parents didn't approve of my dream to be an FBI agent." I smiled lightly and said "Well, I'm sure they would be proud of you now, because I'm sure I'm not the first person you have saved." He looked up at me and asked "You sure your a boy, you seem to know to much." I blinked, before saying, "Well, I guess I have jsut matured a little faster then most. Come on, we should get going." I looked around and said "SO which way is HQ again?" I saw Max's face fall, and saw him return to what I believe was his normal self. "You don't know?! Come on, follow me." I smiled at his gruff statement and followed him out of the field where we had met.
End of Chapter 1

Chapter 2
I stood there, half-listening to the Head of the case the FBI needed me for. "You will not under any circumstances reveal anything that is of any realtion to the FBI in any way shape or form?!" This yell brought me out of my half-asleep state."Hunh. . Yes sir!" I watched him smile, and heard him say, "He sure knows how to reply when he is paying attention." I nodded. "Thank you sir!" I mentally thanked my Uncle Manny for all those years of pretending to be an offficer in the army. I listioned to 'sir' for about five more mintues before asking. "So, what is this case I'm going to be helping out with?" Everyone went quiet, which really started to worry me.
"Well, several important items have vanished from all over the country, and they all have one thing in common.One thing alone." I looked over at Max, who had just said this, and asked."So, what is that one thing that is in common?" Max sighed and said, "They have all been stolen from ether a building or plot of land owned by the Roselynn family." I felt my heart drop. "The Roselynn Family, as in The Roselynn Family?" Please don't be taking about my family, please, oh please, oh please. I prayed. "Yup, they have been informed. Surprisingly though, every member has had somthing stolen from them, except the youngest daughter, Chrysanthemum." Oh. . .oh damn. I looked up at 'sir' who finally said. "By the way, I'm Agent Tresscott." I nodded, then listened to him say. "Two people will be on this case, you and Max over there." I felt my mouth drop, and had to seriously restrain myself from saying something rude. I closed my mouth with a snap and heard Max say what I had been thinking. "I have to work with him!?"

I watched as Agent Tresscott turned on Max. "You do if you want this case to be solved!" I felt a frown grace my face and said, "If he wishes to work with someone else, do not yell at him." I suddenly remembered soemthing. "If my dog isn't allowed to work with me, then I don't take the case." I watched as everyone in the rom stared at me as if I had lost my mind. "I'll work with him, after all I want to see if he really earned his name as 'Chris the Case Cracker' or if it was pure luck." I blinked "Chris. . .the case cracker? I sound like some friggon side dish!" I sighed and muttered, "I did not sign up to be called something that makes me sound like food." My stomach growled, right on cue, an everyone laughed. I felt my face burn, and I knew I was blushing. Max laughed and swung an arm over my shoudlers, which i immedently pushed off. "What's wrong with you?" I looked up at Max and answered. "I just don't like to be touched, that's all." He just blinked, then srugged and sadi "I'm gonna go find Chris some food, I'm hungry too." He turned adn walked out, and I turned to follow him when I heard someone yell. "I want this case solved now!" I didn't dare look up, I would know that voice anywhere. My mom had decided to complain to the FBI.

I quickly tilted my hat down in an effort not to be noticed. I could feel my heart drumming with fear, and with the vain hope that my own mother wouldn't know who I was. "You there!" If my heart had been speedign like a cheetah before, it now was slower that a sloath. With a quick glance, I saw my mother, Caroline Roselynn, pointing at Max. I was glad she wasn't paying attention to me, but I would never sic my Mom on anyone, not even Max. "I demand to know why you haven't caught this culprit yet! You are the FBI for heavens sake! This case should of been-"
"Thats enough Ma'am" I couldn't believe it. My body was tense with surpirse and shock. Max had just interupted Caroline Roselynn, and got her to shut up! I thanked the lord, because Max had just done what I thought was impossible. "Excuse me?! I was not done-"
"Yes you were Ma'am. I understand your concern, but we are working as fast as we can, and are all overworked and have gotten little sleep. We are all in no mood for criticim. So, maybe you should go back to you nice home and begin buying bolt locks, because if this goes the way we think it will, your daughter is the next target, me and my partner will be coming to talk-"
"Good luck."I sighed, looks like mom was about to tell the entire FBI office that her daughter waas a good-for-nothing leech. Just like she tells every laywer and family member she knows. I thought sadly, my grief for being thought of that way nearly making me cry.
"Just why are you wishing us good luck?" I looked up at Max, and saw the complete confusion on his face, the complete bewilderment that any women could act like this. "Well, my daughter habitually disappears and when she comes home, she won't talk to anyone in the family. So, we don't ever know where she goes off to."
The entire room went quiet. Ooh no, I think I just went from possible victim to posssible suspect. I thought, fear filling the very marrow of my bones. "Have you reported it?" I looked at Max, all the while keeping my face hidden. "No, I didn't deem it nessary, it would ruin our good family name." The woman I must call mom, did a completely fake sigh. "Oh how I wish the young girl wouldn't go out so much, and she is always so alone!" Then it occured to me, hitting me like a strike of lightning. Mom would know Liza. I looked around, and found the dog had been smart for once, she was no where to be found. "Wait just a mintue! Your just a child, why are you working this case!" I sent a quick glance at my mother, and found that even in anger she still kept her elgent cool sophistacted shell. Damn, I would just love to see that shell crack, just once. I watch the arguement go on for a few mintues, before they finally forced her out of the office. I breathed a sigh of relief, and Liza walked out from whereever she had been hiding. I tilted my hat up to it's normal place, and found Max staring at me, again, like it had lost it. "Why did you hide your face from Mrs. Roselynn?" he asked me, proving that I had just been busted, so I just blurted out what came to my mind first. "I heard that if you looked her in the eye you turn to stone or have nightmares for weeks." There was a moment of silence, which was broken by every last one of the people, even the villains being taken in for interigattion, in that room laughing at me. I felt the familar burn on my face, and knew I was, yet again, blushing. Max clapped me on the back and said "Well, I didn't turn into stone, but I'll be sure to tell you whether or not I have nightmares okay?" I knew I went a deeper shade of red at that comment, but nonetheless I nodded. I felt Max place a hand on my shoulder, and looked up at him, confused about what he wanted. " You mind eating hotdogs for lunch? After that, we'll start looking for clues, interviewing the family members, stuff like that." I had no idea what hotdogs were, but I nodded anyway. "Okay." I said before saying, despite my better judgement," What are hotdogs by the way?" I knew if we had still been in the office, there would have been another round of laughing, but Max had already lead me out into the hallway. He turned and stared at me again, and I decided to ask another question. "Is you staring at me like I'm crazy a habit of yours?" He merely blinked, then he sighed and smiled. "I guess I just didn't relise some people haven't ever had a hotdog before, you seem to do a lot of things differntly then most." He turned and said "Come on, after today, you won't be able to say you've never had a hot dog. That, I will make sure of."

I looked down skeptically at the cheap, greasy, paperwrapped hotdog smoothered ketup and lined with mustard. "Your sure this is edibal?" I asked Max, looking up from what could barely be consdered food. I watched him take another huge bite and speak around it. "Of course it is, hotdogs are the best!" I glanced back at the hotdog, then up at Max, hotdog, Max, hotdog, Max, hotdog-"Just eat it already!" Max yelled at me, causing me to take a tentive bite. I chewed slowly at first, but the speed grew until I swallowed and shoved another bite into my mouth, though not quite as badly or as grossly as Max had. When I had finshed chewing this time, I went, "This is good!" Causeing Max to burst out laughing. "I told you so! Now, finish up so we can go find out some things about these Roselynn people." I took another bite, then stood up and ate while he walked ahead. We walked past a park, with him constantly looking down at a map, his expression displaying complete confusion and bewilderment. I threw away my trash from the hotdog, and wiped my hands clean with a rough napkin, it's texture scraping my palms in a way the linions never did. I turned back around and began to yet again follow the obvisously lost Max, when he suddenly stopped and I ran into him. "Hey- whats with the holdup!" I yelled at him, moving to his side to yell at him, and then I saw what had stopped him dead cold. Talking to her friends a little bit away, was a brunette with wavy hair, and a figure to match. She had big green eyes the color of forest moss, and her skin was a slight tan. She wore a flimsy white dress, and a fake white rabbit fur coat over it. Her strappy sandles wrapped nearly all the way up her legs. I sighed and turned to Max. "Snap out of it dude." I snapped in front of his face then heard a soft voice ask. "Are you his brother?" I turned around, thinking someone else was being asked a question, then saw it was directed towards me, and mently cursed. "No." It's that brunette that Max is apparently gaga over. I thought, before she asked me. "Would you like to get a cup of coffee with me?" Oh. My. God. I was just asked out on my first date, and the other person thought I was a guy! I quickly stifled the urge to laugh and shook my head. "No thanks, I don't really drink coffee, but I'm sure my pal here would love to." I said, stepping away so she could get a full view of Max. I saw her merely blink, the flirtatious look gone from her expression. I looked up at Max, and saw he had regaine dhis composure. He looked down at the girl and said, "I'm sorry, but both me and my partner must be off." He then marched away, roughly grapping my by the arm as he passed me. "Ow! What is that for!" I yelped as I squirmed, doing my best effort to get away. He glared down at me and said "You payed attention to her! More importantly, you turned her attention to me!" I finnaly got free of his grip and said . "Well, excuse me if I firgured I would get rid of her by trying to help you out!"
"Help me out?! How was that helping me out!?"
"You looked like you were completely gaga over her!"He suddenly burst out laughing and I grew worried. "What, what did I do this time?!" I snapped, and he said. "No one uses the word gaga anymore! Not even babies!" I lost it then. I am normally a pretty calm person violence-wise, but when I lose it, you really need to run for the hills. I lifted up my arms and shoved him with all my might. I punched his gut to put more effort into it, and I kicked him in the face with a high-kick. Now, I know very well that had he not been laughing at me, I never would of even winded him; let alone knocked him on his butt. I watched him as he lost his balance nad fell straight into the huge mud puddle behind him, splattering everyone nearby with mud, except for me.
I watched, frozen in place. I couldn't believe I had actully just done that. Taking a step back, I turned to run away in case he was mad, and felt someone grab my arm. I turned back, expecting it to be Max, but found it wasn't. It was a tall bulky man, the kind that are bodygaurds in all the movies, and he seemed to be trying to sqeeze me hand off. I felt my heart raise up into my throat as he started tugging me along towards an old beat up black car, which was so beat up, I couldn't tell what kind of car it was. I tried, vailently, to pull my hand away, but he just grabbed my arm instead. I knew my face must be white as a goast, and my eyes wide and filled with fear, but nonetheless I couldn't scream. Screaming would sound like a girl, and it would attract to much attention. Just as my entire body was drumming with fear, I heard and shout and saw a fist fly. "Thats my partner your takin'! " Amazed, I watched as Max punched the man smack dab in the middle of his face, and then he grabed my arm. "Run you idiot!" I turned and ran right slong side him, running as fast as I could. The arm he held lay limp, but the other hand, my right, was on top of my head; holding my hat down. When we finnaly stopped, Max hit me across the head. "Why the hell did you do that!?" He yelled more then asked at me. I looked up at him, my cheeks red from the running I had just done. "Push you in mud?" I opened my mouth to explain that when he shook his head. "I'll listen to that later. First of all, why the hell didn't you try to fight back!
"I-I um. . .I don't really kn-hunh!We left Liza back there!" I turned, suddenly very alarmed, but he grabbed me again. I turned around in time to have him say increduasly. "You care more about that stupid do-"He got no further. A moment later he spat out a little bit of blood as i rubbed my knuckled. "Never call my dog stupid." I said simply, and he nodded "Yup, got it." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "You did that to me for insulting your dog, but why wouldn't you fight that guy when he tried to kidnap you?" I was walking back to the place where we had ran off, and he was following me. "Well I- . . . . . . My mind kinda froze alright? I was scared, and my mind just shut itself off." I was absolutly baffled. "I have been in tighter spots then that and not frozen up like that, why did that happen?" I asked myself, confused. I looked around, for a moment believing the man had taken Liza. My throat closed up with grief and my hand raised to my neck, and then Liza barked at me, causing me to bend down and rub her head "There you are, you worried me for a moment there girl." I saw Max's slightly tanned hand rub Lizas head right next to my paleish one. I then looked up at him and saw he was staring at me. "Why did he want you? After all, you don't seem that important." I sighed nad looked down at my dog"Well, I am a decetive, I'm sure that while I was cracking a few cases I bruised a few egos, and caused a few grudges." I sighed again and said . "I just want to do good, but everyone ends up hating me."
"I don't."

I looked up at Max. I couldn't have been more surprised if Liza had said that. He then, jokingly, pushed my onto my face, and said "Be grateful there wasn't any mud nearby" I blew some bangs out of my face, and sat up. Standing, I took in the surroundings. "Okay, we are both lost, so let's take another path of thought."I turned to him. "which relitive are we looking for?" He checked the slip of paper he had been keeping in his pocket. "A Mrs. Kimmy Roselynn." Instant imagges of my prim elderly aunt flashed in my mind. "She doesn't live in this area, she lives farther up, doesn't she?" I added the last part to make it sound like a well-based guess, instead of true knowledge of the family.

Max stared at me strangely. "How would you know that?" I srugged my shoulders and answered, "Well, uptown is a classier place, and these Roselynns are rich." He stared at me for a moment, and I knew he didn't believe my nice-sounding lie. So, again I srugged and asked. "Does it really matter? I mean, so long as we find the person?" Max stared at me for a moment, and I knew I was right; he just didn't like it. SO we started off cue north, and I could feel him brooding and simmering. "Whats up with you?" I finnaly confronted him, turning to look at his face as he, if he did, spoke. "Just wondering how you could know something I didn't, is all." I chuckled and said "Well, it balances off, you know about a lot of things i don't, I'm sure." I turned away and took another step forward to hear him ask. "Like what?" Why do they always need examples? I mentally asked myself, before answering with what came to my head first. "Like how to shoot a gun for one, and how to not get caught I'm sure." I could just feel him blink.
"You--you don't know how to not get caught?"
"I do, just not very well, hence the way we met is by you friggon saving me from a bomb rigged building, and taking your own damn time doing it."

He laughed, and I felt my pride be wounded. To cover it up, I again blew my bangs out of my face. "Well, we should be-" a sudden lame ringing of a cell phone broke Max off, and I watched him, amused, as he began searching his many pockets for his cellphone.
"Hello?"A pause.
"WE didn't get anything done though" Another pause.
"Oh, if he's there I guess we have to go." Yet another pause.
"I know that! We're on our way!" He snapped, before hanging up. "What's up?" I asked him, following him and Liza as they began making their way back to the HQ. "Dr. Higgims is in the office" I felt a smile grace my face. "He is? Then let's hurry!" I really warmed to the thought of seeing my old friend again. "I haven't seen him in ages." Startled, Max looked back at me. "You know him?"
"Of course, he's one of my only friends."
"Sad, when your only friend is a chubby old man with white hair and mustase, and he doesn't have much of the first." I felt my temper flare.
"Well- at least I have friends! I bet you That Crhys-er- what was her name again? The Roselynn girl?" He rolled his eyes, and I coulodn't believe he believe me.
"Chrysanthemum."
"Her! I bet you she doesn't have any friends!" And so it went. We argued the whole way there, and almsot walked right past it. "Wroof!" We both jumped and looked back at Liza, who was pointedly sitting down, lookiong at the HQ. I felt the familar flush, and saw that Max was blushing too. I marched in and heard Dr. Higgims exclaim "There you are Chris!" Silence reined, and I said "Oh great, does everyone think I'm crazy!" I heard someone burst into laughter, and picked up the thing nearest to me. A bowl of peanuts. WIth a mighty throw, a handful of peanuts hit him square in the face "Bullseye!"
End of Chapter Two

[Masterweaver]

This is a good story. It should be in Linear Lane.

You see, the idea is you put your character, say, deciding what to do with an army. We, the readers, suggest various tactics, and you put a poll up based on what we say. Then, We vote, you take the results, and you write the next chapter.

Granted, putting them in charge of an army first chapter is jumping the gun a bit, but hey! Tired Of Death started off with some zombies figuring out who to kill.

It's a good story. A very good one.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

well, um i guess that makes sense, right now i busy figureing out how 'Chris' gets back to her house nad changes into Chrysanthemum without blowing her cover

[Masterweaver]

Back it up. We, the readers, do the figuring out FOR you. That's what a storygame is. You deliberately leave us hanging so we can try to climb ourselves.

For instance, I would suggest that Chris find a secluded spot and dump the disguise. There's one poll option. Whoever posts after me will say, "I think you should do such-acnd-such." Etc., until you think you have enough options. Then you put up a poll, we vote, and you write a new chapter based off the results.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

Thanks! I guess i'm being a little impsation though, because i am already working on chapter three , lol

[Masterweaver]

:wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall:

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

lol, btw i'm useing another site to create the basic image of the characters, but i'm not sure it'll work on this site

[Masterweaver]

PLEASE!

Stop with the leet. This is a site devoted to the artistry of writing. Leet only makes it go by faster.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

leet? what. . .whats 'leet' ?

[Masterweaver]

lol, btw, i is teh uber....

It makes sense in chatrooms. But not here.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

.. . .hunh? that top line really confused me, oh and btw those pics? they aren't working, oh well.

[Masterweaver]

BTW! THAT'S LEET!

I have no objection against leet, but it is supposed to enhance communication speed, whereas now it just slows it down.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

Blank post! The message previously posted has been moved! IT wouldn't allow me to delete this.

[Masterweaver]

Harley, you explain. *Shuffles off*

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

okay two questions fo all the readers:
How do you think she should change back in Chrysanthemum?
and
What do you think her home should look like?
Thanks! I have to go now though!

[Masterweaver]

Okay, you are missing the point to the extreme. Up there under Info is a scroll with a pen. Click it.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

sorry. guess I'm not good at this thing, only one question, even though i think I'm still gonna get scolded at.
Anyone have any ideas for how she changes back to Chrysanthemum?
If I'm still getting it wrong, I'm sorry.

[Masterweaver]

That's actually very correct, although it would have been better to post it at the end of your first chapter.

Oh, well. You're new, and I'm being a bit harsh.

I would suggest that Chris drop the disguise in a secluded spot and head for home.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

oh, okay thanks! Wait, was I not usposed to post TWO chapters in the first post. oh hehe whoops.

[Chinaren]

Welcome to IF Noni!

What MW is trying to say, in his own strange and confusing way, is that this area is for StoryGames. The idea is you stop your chapter at a certain point, where a decision is needed (a decision point or DP) and then your readers suggest what to do next. Then you put all those suggestions into a poll and they vote on it, and then you write your next chapter based on the results of the poll.

Should you wish this to be a normal 'linear' story, then we can move it to the linear section. Please let us know where you want it.

If you don't have Word, then you can download Sun Open Office, which is the same as Word, but free. Do a search and you should be able to find it easily enough.

That will help you catch some of the errors.

When someone starts speaking, you need to start on a new line, or it becomes very confusing.

You may want to break some of your longer sentences up as well.

The story is okay, though I'm not sure when the FBI started recruiting teenagers, but you made the common mistake of rushing straight into the action. Take your time, build up the world and the characters before getting down to the story.

For example, I personally would have started this one with how Chris became a private dick, and her first case.

Anyway, keep writing! I look forward to seeing more.

:D

[Kalanna Rai]

Hello Noni and welcome to IF. Please ignore MW's comments, I think he may be jealous. *laughs*

I like the story although at the moment it's not a storygame, and am looking forward to more of it. It's got an interesting take. It's a little Scooby Doo, a little Nancey Drew, a little Agent Cody Banks, and a smidge of all those women out there who've ever thought that they needed to be male to get the job done.

If you'd like to take it SG, just ask. There are plenty of us around here who would be more than willing to help you sort this out into a respectible storygame. If you'd rather keep it linear and work with it as you have been, that's equally cool. There is, of course, experimental option F...but we won't talk about that one now...*shifty eyes*

Once again, welcome to IF! Enjoy your stay.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

Okay, thanks! BTW I like the idea of moving it to linear , any idea how i do that?

[Chinaren]

All you had to do is ask!

Ta daa! Moved. :D You're in Rai's domain now! :shock:

[D-Lotus]

I haven't time right now to read this story, but I will as soon as I finish studying for a test. However, the first thing I would suggest is that you space your lines or paragraphs, otherwise, it is very hard on the eyes if you are trying to read it.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

Thanks! now, give me 10-20 min and i'll have a bit more writing for ya to read *wink* lol

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

(note: i will be starting from the begining of chapter three in this post,and wil goback and put all of chapter three in this post when i finish it. BTW I went back and edited it so that the italics, which got edited out, are in there now. I'll try to watch out for that in the future! Thanks for reading!))

Chapter Three
Again, I was mortified. NOt bothering to let it show, I watched as the man wiped peanuts off of himself, and as Everyone started scolding me. I didn't bother to listen very hard, instead turned on my heal and walked to Cr. Higgims. "Hey!" I declared louder, with a smile. I watched as Dr. Higgims shook his head sadly and I waited for it. "YOu really need to learn to control that violence Chris." I merely srugged. "YOu know very well I do, just not around these types." I knew Ross would get my meaning. You see, Dr. Ross is one of the few, the only one come to think of it, who knows my true identity. Lucky for me, because whenever I need an exaim taken, My ole pal Ross pulls out his medical degree. I looked back at Max, and found he was stareing at me again. I was just about to make a comment on this, when the clock started to chime.I felt shock enter my body.If I didn't get back soon, Mom might find me out! And now I feel like Cinderella at her ball. I thought, turning to try and find an excuse to run off. I looked back pleadingly at Ross, but he too came up excuseless. "Well, I'll be going then." I turned tot he door and said, over my shoulder. "If anyone tried to follow me, I'll throw a lot more then jsut peanuts at them." Walking, I wondered if anyone would believe my threat. I sighed when I heard footsteps, then turned anrgyly to see Max skid to a stop a feet inches in front of me. "What?! " I snapped. "I'll make sure you get home safely." I sighed and said, aggravted "Max, my threat aplies to you as well."
"Well, I'm just trying to help, you were almost kidnapped today!"
"Well, back off!"
"All I"m doing is-"
"I don't care! All I'm doing is trying to get home without anyone figureing out where it is!" I froze. "YOu did not just hear me say that!" He blinked before saying "You sure are strange Chris, you sure are strange." I watched him walk back into the building, and began my twisting turning trek home.

With a sigh, I began walking the three or four miles towards where I change from Chris, to Chrysanthemum. I nearly passsed by it, 'it' was a meger forest that I knew just barely egde some of Dr. Higgims property. I quickly, quietly, and with ease, hopped the tall fense, and began counting trees
One. . .Two. . .Three. . .Four! I thought, before begining my check to make sure i had the right tree. I pulled out a penlight and shined it on the tree, leanign in very close. There it was! The slight matalic glare even Ross couldn't avoid. I pressed my palm to the bark, and felt it warm. After mentally counting to ten, I pulled my hand away slowly, and watched the tree open up. I stepped inside the hollowed out space. It was a tight fit, and I barely managed to get in there. I saw the bark panel close, and was envolped in darkness. I never have figured out how Dr. Higgims does it, teleportation, underground passages, tubes, who knows, but I do know this. I felt a slight whooshing sensation, like every other time, and watched the panel open in front of me. I took a step out, and slid into the room. It was a hidden back room in Dr. Higgims old shed, and wasn't very well furnished. I used it every time I swapped identities. I quickly pulled off my big buly brown hat, and felt my long braided hair fall to my waist. Then I took off the stuffy brown waistcoat and the shirt underneth it. I glared down at the demin jacket used to bind my breasts, and could glare right through it to the white bindings I used- just in case. I quickly took them both off, as I did with the rest of my disguise. Then I pulled on my 'normal' clothes.

It seems to me that Chrysanthemum is more of a disguise then Chris. I never act like myself as Chrysanthemum, or dress the way I want to. When I'm Chris, I'm more myself, even though I'm pretending to be a boy. I pressed a button on the wall, again mentally thanking Dr. Higgims, and looked in the mirror that appeared on the wall. I exaimened the girl in the reflection. Long blonde hair that came in airy waves down to just below her waist, big blue eyes in a pale as the moon skin. There was small but lush light pink lips, and a small slightly upturned nose. The face was heart shaped, with slightly arched eyebrows, and was framed well by the wavy blonde hair. I had a figure that matched my hair, while still remaining modest. I wore a light airy pink dress that went to my knees, , with white strappy sandles clinging to my small dainty feet. I had legs that seemed to go on forever, dispite my petite figure. My hands were the only thing that didn't fit. They were small, with short fingers, that were slightly chubby. I suddenly turned away from the mirror in disgust. "That's not me. That's some rich heiress. Some fancy how-do-you-do girl, who never messes up. That's not me."

Quickly turning away, I began to tidy the room so it would seem like no one had been there for days , if someone had been there at all. I then peeked my head out he door and looked both way, before taking a step out into the dimming sunlight. "Thank god I don't need my sunglasses, they're part of 'Chris'. " I muttered softly t myself before beging the walk home.

It was about thiry mintues later when I came upon the manner. It was a tidy vitroain building, with extravagent gardens and window designs. I flickered my gaze across it briefly, the layout pernamently imbedded in my mind, before I walked down to the wall hiding the East Gardens.with a jump, I hooked my hand over the top and lugged myself up. I scanned the surroundings briefly, before jumping down. With my feet nearly giving way under the impact, I was surprised I didn't fall flat on my face. I glanced around before straightening, and walking to the door. I smoothly glided in, my head erect, my posture perfect, my face emtionless. All in all, I was acting like I was a princess. Which was, again, not me. I had just layed my palm on my doorknob, and was consdering myself home free, when i heard my mothers shrill voice. "And just where have you been?" Damn, just when I thought I was safe. The thought flowed through my mind before i turned and poletly said. "I've been out mother. Did you not say I needed to interact more?" I did not give her a chance to answer. Turning, I again placed my hand on the knob. "Good evening mother. I am a bit tired, so I believe I will take a small nap before supper." I inclined my head slightly before wafting into my room, shutting the door, and sighing in relief when I heard her walk away. I hated confronting my mother, because I never have anything to say. The main reason I disguise myself as Chris, is because I would never be allowed to do my decetive work as Chrysanthemum. Being Chris though, let's me have a short period of time, when i can just be myself. . .When I can truly act like me, and not some proper young lady who isn't allowed to think. These were my last thoughts before I drifted to sleep, leaning against the shut door.

[Lilith]

*head spinning* Okay wow.....

First, I'm going to say Welcome to IF Noni! (as many have before me) I hope you enjoy your stay with us.. btw you may never leave. :shock:

MUAHAHAHAHA!

Now, ... another wow... the grammar and punctuation need some work, heavy duty style,.. no offense or anything .. it's just that plus the spacing makes it hard on the peepers.

BUT!

I like the story... but you seem to have... rushed into it shall we say? You need a bit of a slower start.. introduce us to the character first.. maybe lead us into her predicament rather than retrace from how she got there?

Oh and she soooo likes the FBI agent.

Kalanna Rai wrote: There is, of course, experimental option F...but we won't talk about that one now...*shifty eyes*

She used the shifty eyes..... RUN!!!!!!! (that is no joke! MEEP!)

:P

Good luck Noni!

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

Okay, I understnad on the grammer and puntchuation,i just know i didn't spell that right. My comptuer is really old so the only document for typing that i have is wordpad, which doesn't give me spell/grammer check, and as for the rush intot he story, I ment it to be that way. I know it sounds strange, but I wanted this story to start off really exciting, then slow down a bit, before more exciting chapters come up. And, well, she doesn't like the FBi agent, not yet anyway, but sees him as her first friend, exculding Dr. Ross Higgims of corse( i was on a suger high when i came up with the names btw) but you can't really count him, he's a really old man after all. Now, I have a totally of topic question that will sound really noobish, for lack of a better, and esisting, word, How the heck do you get Noni out of Novelest_Ninjagirl??? Is it obvious and i just missed it or soemthing???

[Masterweaver]

Allow me to shed some light on the subject:

NeverNeverGirl is an important citizen, but we call her NeNe.

Novelest_Ninjagirl is a bit of a mouthfull, so...

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

oh. . . .I feel real dumb now. . .. . . .guess i'm living up to benig blonde. So, whats your opinon about hte story right now MW? WAit. . .that is what they call you right? I don't want to mess up heh.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

Ouch! :shock:

I'm not going to read this until you clean this up... I can already tell this will give me a headache.

Please add more spaces in between paragraph. I don't enjoy pointing this out (*Crosses fingers behind back*), but paragraphs usually aren't ten run-on sentences long, and chapters usually have more than 6 paragraphs.

You kind of remind me of Sax... Rushed typing, check... Total disregard for ease of reading, check...

You should try not to rush in. Take some time to look back on your writing (I make this mistake a lot!), and change anything you don't want, add anything to DO want, and change any mistakes you see. We aren't going to kill you if you miss the deadline slightly.

Well, I won't. ;)

It also helps if you don't type this out on the site. Instead, do it on word, or as chinny (Made that up on the spot, I did.) suggested, Sun open office. The typing area in the reply page is slightly misleading and makes you think you have written more than you actually have!

Also, if you already are using word, reduce font size to about 10-12. The smaller your font, the harder it is to fill up a page, therefore making yourself try harder.

Speed-typing is common in chatrooms, but this is not in actual fact a chatroom. The only time when Ifians get rushed or reckless is when they are hunting down an enemy, or a friend... :shock:

Try to avoid mistakes like "i" and "ya" unless the latter is intended.

I briefly browsed chapter 3 and found 2 mistakes already:

Quote: I came upon the manner

Pretty sure that's supposed to be "Manor"

Quote: muttered softly t myself

Can this be more obvious?

Once again, just be careful with your grammar and spelling.

[Mephistopheles]

also as a side note, if you use firefox for your browser, available from mozilla for free, it will offer some punctuation and spelling correction automatically, as word or Sun do, allowing you to post within the site more easily and grammatically correctly. :) but beware of losing everything if something odd happens and you get booted from the site, as it is rather hard to save. :(

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

. . . .okay. . . .I'll tell you guys now though, that my computer is really ol d and my father doesn't allow me to download anything. Thanks for the corret spelling of Manor, I knew i was getting it right. As for the rushing into the story, why does no one get I did that on purpose? I do my best in watching for grammer and spelling errors, but I still misss a lot of them. as for the spacing, I'm not really sure what your talking about, but I'll do my best to fix it. I'm hopeing for christma my father willl find a way to download Mircosoftword onto my computer, and am checking up on that today after school. And as for the Short chapters thing, I'll do my best to fix that, but i end chapters when it seems best for me. Maybe I'll go back and add more desricption, so as to lengthen the chapters. Thanks for the tips!

[Masterweaver]

The story is great, the grammar is problematic, and you are one of the few people who I've seen that has that sort of con-fee-donce. Now, as to making a storygame, I'll give you a start: Write a chapter and include a lemon. Put this in new storygames. See what happens. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A DECISION POINT.

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

K thanks. BTW I might be posting another story/ possible storygame sometime soon. It'll be a lot better then this one, I'm sure.