City of IF

[Mattheus]

Hi all, here is the prologue for my story. this is my very first story post. The first chapter will hopefully be up in the next day or so.


Prologue

It looked like all the other houses in the street. Medium sized, red roof, brick walls.
Inside it had all the normal things you would find in a house. Bed, lounges, T.V.,
bath, washing machine, other personal effects, all except for one room. This room
was empty, devoid of any furniture or paintings or any other type of personal
effects. Except for the large machine in the middle of the room. This machine was
silver in color, circular in shape; its surface was smooth, nothing on it except for
what looked like a hand sized piece of glass about halfway down.

Hilton Moss looked just like your average History teacher. He was of average
height, short brown hair and wore glasses but only to read with. The only thing
that others mentioned to each other about him was that he moved very cat like
and also seemed to appear out of nowhere at times.

One morning Hilton was awoken by a buzzing coming from a speaker in the wall of
his bedroom. He immediately went to the room with the machine and pressed on
the glass. A hologram of a strange looking person appeared on the surface of the
machine.

You see Hilton is a Traveler, a group of people who have been selected by the
MECGDT, a mysterious race who has a special interest in the history and future of
Earth.

[Mephistopheles]

good start mattie! can't wait to see what the chapter looks like!

[Mattheus]

OK here is the first chapter. Hope you enjoy it. All feed back welcome :D

Chapter One

The figure on the screen was tall with what looked to be brown, scarred skin with green hair, to the casual observer he would look almost like a tree, in fact this is exactly what he was. He was Oakengnarl, a treefolk who was the leader of MECGDT. Behind him were the five other members of the group.

Myrila, an elven princess, tall and slender with waist length golden hair and blue eyes that looked as if they were looking right through you when she cast her gaze on you.

Nordeth, a dwarven soldier who stood about 4ft tall, had brown curly hair and a stout build. He was encased in shiny armor, carrying a mean looking war hammer.

Kentara, a female centaur with brown hindquarters and black flowing hair and wearing a type of animal skin covered breastplate.

The giant Tersa was not quite as tall as Oakengnarl but was still an imposing figure. Tall, broad and carrying a club the length of a bus.

Finally there was Merdin, a merman. He was naked from the waist up and had a long blue tail. He was floating in a large glass tank full of water and occasionally ducked his head under the water to help him breathe.

“Hilton” said Oakengnarl, whose voice sounded like a strong wind blowing through trees. “We have discovered another piece of crystal. We need you to go and find it”.

Hilton nodded, but waited. Years of experience had taught him that there was more to come. Surprisingly however, it wasn’t Oakengnarl that spoke but Merdin instead.

“This time you must travel back in time to Ancient Greece to the city of Troy. Here is where you will find the crystal”. He finished and ducked his head under the water.

“Time period?” asked Hilton.

“12th century BC” replied Kentara. “The time of the Trojan War”.

Hilton cursed silently. The last time he had been in a time period where a war had been going on, he had almost been killed.

“Remember Hilton” said Oakengnarl. “Do not reveal who you are to anyone, do not kill anyone, and most importantly do not change anything that happens in case you end up changing Time itself”.

With that the hologram switched off. Hilton left the room, returning soon after with a backpack containing a few items he thought he would need. Then turning to the machine, which was in fact a time machine, he pressed the glass. A section of wall slid aside and he entered the revealed space. As the door closed behind him he went over to a keyboard and was about to type in the destination when he realized he had no idea which part of the Trojan War he had to go to.

“Typical” he thought. “Only get half the information I need. Oh well, I guess I need to take a stab in the dark and see what happens”. His hands hovered over the keyboard. Start, finish or somewhere in between?




So then, which should Hilton choose? The start of the Trojan War, the end of the Trojan War or somewhere in between

[Mephistopheles]

pick the end, let him sneak in through the ensuing chaos that the horse brought.

[Kalanna Rai]

Alright Mat. First the positives.

Nice blend of fantasy and reality and while I've seen this concept before every author puts his or her own spin on things and I can't wait to see what yours is. Also I'm interested in seeing a story with a bit more historical fiction in it, I'm a bit of a history buff.

Now the un-positives.

Your chapter is a little short, it should be closer to 2,000 words in length. You could spend those extra words on details, which are pretty sparse at this point. Your prologue's format is also very confusing and you may want to repost it in a manner similiar to your first chapter for easy reading.

Welcome to IF.

[Mattheus]

Yeah I was a bit worried about that part of it, wasn't sure exactly how to set it out. the second chapter will be a bit longer because it will have detail about the crystal and the MECGDT.

Thanks

[Mattheus]

Kalanna Rai wrote:
Your prologue's format is also very confusing and you may want to repost it in a manner similiar to your first chapter for easy reading.

Welcome to IF.



Any ideas on how to do this? I have been reading over it trying to make it flow better but it isn't working.

[The White Blacksmith]

For a start, you should make it clear when the scene switches - from the forest to wherever Hilton is - and make it clear who Hilton is. Maybe you could start by describing the forest scene, then move on by saying 'All this was watched carefully by Hilton, alone in his computer room' or something. Also, if it is a prologue, it doesn't need a dp. Prologues are to introduce the main characters, introduce the setting and so on.

And finally! Some recognition for the half-horses!

[Masterweaver]

As for the DP, I would say maybe a week or two before. Scout the area, who knows? It could be there already.

F5 everyone grammarwise. Way too choppy. Paragraphs need to be at least three sentences UNLESS in dialogue.

[Mother Goose]

This is an intriguing beginning and I look forward to more.

I think the prologue looks choppy because the lines are too long for the screen width and are wrapping each time by one or two words. That didn't happen in chapter one, so however you typed that in is the way to go.

I'd like a little more description of the thing he's supposed to retrieve, but maybe he's already familiar with "crystals" and doesn't need to have them described to him. But a few more instructions would be helpful. Twelfth century BC is a pretty broad range.

As for the DP, I think if he's looking for something in a period he should start at the beginning of the period, or as MW says, a little before.

WB: What forest?

[Kirranna]

I agree that he should arrive during the chaos of the horse because if they gave you the Trojan war that is still something like ten years isn't it? SO if you go in the end of it you will be guaranteed that it will be there, otherwise you might have to wait a few years...

I like Historical Fiction too! Yay!

[The White Blacksmith]

I completelty disagree with all of you who're saying either the beginning or the end. By far the safest time in the Trojan war was the siege, so that's where he should go. If he goes at the start, he would get caught up in the first lot of fighting, before the Greeks had had the time to set up their siege. If he goes at the end, he's very likely to get himself or it caught up in the burning, looting, killing ect.

[Cyberworm]

Looks like we finally agree on something, Smithy. The silence before the storm is the best choice, and hopefully he'll get the crystal before the horsie is brought in Troy.

On the other side, I have nothing to add for the grammar part. Everybody covered it pretty good. Overall, good idea and readable grammar. I'd say: "Well done, keep up the good work". ;)

[Mattheus]

Argh, I made a note of how to put up a poll, now I can't find it and I can't remember where I first read it either. Could someone please help me out?

:oops:

Thanks

[Cyberworm]

Press the "Edit" button in the top-left corner of the screen of your FIRST post in the thread, and when the new window loads you will see the polling options in the bottom.

[Mattheus]

I just put the poll up. It will be up for a week.

May the best vote win. :D

[Thaumaturgus]

I'm voting for the middle of the war, while Achilles is still sitting on his butt defying Agamemnon, so he has free time to help find the crystal (after being properly persuaded somehow...)

[The White Blacksmith]

I've broken your tie for you, in favour of the middle. No doubt this will be a hotly contested poll though.

[Mattheus]

Yeah can't believe i still have a week to go :-o

[CunningFox]

Time travel eh? Well youve got me intersted, though it could be a tricky thing to write.

[Mattheus]

I know I said I would leave the poll open for a week but it seems there is a clear favourite at this stage. I will leave it another day and see if anything changes.

[NeverNeverGirl]

Hi Matt!

I missed this new SG somewhere along the way. i also missed the poll! but anyways..

I think that there is no real SET formula for writing prologues or chapters the best thing to do is make sure it flows easily and is not overly confusing. (unless thats what you intend)

Perhaps you can get someone to read the pst for you before you post it... get some feedback/advice... or not.

anyways i will stay tuned!

i say middle of war during seige is safest!

but i missed the vote.. :(

[Mattheus]

Well I have started work on the next chapter, not sure how long it will take as I am in the process of moving house.

[Masterweaver]

Must be hard work, getting that foundation out of the ground. Everything else is easy, but that ground rock...

[Mattheus]

I am thinking of re writing the first chapter. If I did this it won't affect the ending or the poll. I am just thinking that maybe more detail in the first chapter would be good, was going to leave it until the 2nd chapter but not really sure. Any thoughts?

[Adalia]

I say leave it until the 2nd chapter. Then those who've already read the 1st don't have to reread it. Good job, by the way.

[Crunchyfrog]

Your first chapter is very short - you should be aiming for at least 1000 words.

Whether you decide to edit the first chapter with more description is up to you - bear in mind that your existing readers may not go back and read it, and miss out on important info later on.

Having said that, new readers will get the better version when they start, and you are only in your first chapter.

:)

[Mattheus]

Sorry its taken so long, but I have started work on this story again. Been moving and had major computer issues. Anyway, I'll see how things go and I will probably put some more info into the next chapter about the mysterious group.

[Crunchyfrog]

Good to see you back, Matteus!

[scissorkitty]

I love Greek Mythology! I'm excited to see how this story develops. I'm sorry I missed the Poll as well, although my choice would have been the middle anyway.