City of IF

[Loony]

Shadow Hand

Prologue: The Unexpected Witness


I was on my way back to good old Wick-Town for the weekend, I missed the feeling of home, the feeling of Wick-Town; Sunny mornings watching the dust particles dance around in the rays of sunshine that use to gleam through my window every morning, with the calming scent of whatever mom was cooking for breakfast, and if I slept in, then it would be the smell of a brewing lunch. The gentle clanking of pots, bubbles of boiling water, that church bell on Sunday always getting stuck ringing, ringing and ringing until the vicar finally figured out how to stop it. The little things you always overlook but always look back on when they’re gone. I was looking forward to this weekend, going back home, but it doesn’t feel the same way anymore. Life’s different now moving out to go to college, constantly transmuting, you’d think that my home ties would grow, but they seemed to disappear. I’m not really complaining, I love my life, I’m thankful to the fact that I got into a good enough college and I don’t have to pay a thing, I’m thankful that I made a whole bunch of good friends, I’m thankful to the fact that I’m simply surrounded by opportunity. But I can’t help but miss it you know, that feeling, not having a single care in the world. Things are different now, the rat race started early, now I constantly find myself five steps behind where I want to be but two steps ahead of the rest, that won’t do for me, I have to keep running. No running this weekend though, I can take a little break, stretch my feet, take a walk around old town, sit under that big maple tree I use to always dream about climbing but never did, might even climb it, no one really knows.

The train was out of the city now, you don’t usually find too many people catching this train, Wick-Town isn’t exactly a tourist attraction, but this time things were different, the train was packed I was glad to find my usual empty booth though, I simply sat in and locked the door, didn’t care what was going on and didn’t care that I was taking up a whole booth to myself, I earned this booth. I usually take this time to enjoy the view, the trip, all alone away from people, contemplating. That’s the best part about Wick-Town, it’s my little mount seclusion. The train whisked along the train tracks, slithering along the old mountain tracks. People usually complain that this whole trip could be cut short if they just build a massive bridge from one side of the mountain to the next instead of using the old road our forefathers built. I don’t mind it, I love this road, “people are too busy trying to get from point A to Z that they miss all twenty four letters in between” I wish I could take credit for that little quote, but it’s not mine, I heard it somewhere I just don’t recall where.

Less then an hour later, the train came to a halt the hissing and puffing of the train was quickly replaced by the loud roars of its occupants making their way out, I usually sit all the way in the back of the train so I opened the window and smelled that refreshing Wick-Town air as I waited for the coast to clear, I wasn’t about to go into that misplaced crowd. I could hear some commotion in the distance but the ambient sounds of birds chirping quickly subdued me and I forgot all about it. A few moments of cool contemplation and admiration later I decided to make my way out of the train. Walking down the narrow walkway I quickly realized something was not right, the closer I got to the exit the louder the noise became, it sounded like a whole lot of people like a protest or something. The sound of brass instruments rehearsing and tuning themselves made me realize it was nothing bad, but a crowd this big at Wick-Town couldn’t be good for me. As soon as I got outside it didn’t take me long to discover what was going on, the president and a bunch high ranking politicians were coming to Wick-Town as part of a “Renewal and Progress” campaign. The billboards and banners gave it away. I didn’t care much about politics or the president, I have nothing against him or our political system I just prefer to follow and lead myself instead.

Deep down I was hoping that the “Renewal and Progress” campaign is just another publicity stunt because honestly I don’t want Wick-Town to transform into another dead bustling city, it has its own magic and they should respect that instead of changing it, it’s that A to Z thing again.

I loved walking down those streets again making my way back home but when I got there, I wasn’t welcomed by the sight of cooking pots or the fresh aroma of home cooked meals instead I got a dried up letter. “Teddy Bear I’ve gone to see the president and watch the parade, you should come it should be fun, there’s a burger meal in the fridge if you’re hungry ~Mom”. Burgers, I eat that every day back in the city, I never thought I’d be sick of it, oh well I’ll leave it in the fridge go out later and look for a decent bite, so much for Teddy Bear. It was not time to get reacquainted with my old friend. I walked upstairs and took a left into my room throwing myself on my good old bed… Hello bed…

A few hours later I woke up feeling great, an extra special kind of great that only this bed could provide. I could see from the light that the sun had almost faded and judging by the rumbling in my stomach I ought to get some food fast. Out the front door I went, the street lamps were already lit and I could hear the festivities in the distance. Every now and again a fireworks display lit up the night sky but I was more interested in food. I walked the street for a while, from closed café to closed restaurant, damn politics and they wonder why I never get involved. Soon enough the president’s convoy arrived and the streets were filled with body guards. I stayed far away from the festivities but not far enough, I was enjoying my walk when two security guards come up to me. Their radios were rattling with crisscross conversations all ending with “Clear, Clear”.

The guards blocked my path. “You can’t go through here sir please go back” one of them said. “If you want to watch the celebration and speech please head to the designated zones up town” his partner continued. “I’m not attending, I’m just walking around looking for a bite to eat” I replied with my cynical politeness. That didn’t bode well they thought I was up to something. “Can I see some ID sir?” the one on the left asked as the other cautiously watched. “Sure why not” I replied (if they were going to waste my time might as well waste theirs). I handed him my ID and waited to see what Humfred and Humchester were going to do next. The one who took my ID walked out of earshot with my ID talking on his radio while his buddy watched me. They were probably running a background check. “So you guys liking Wick-Town?” I thought it polite to ask, and honestly was getting a bit bored. “It’s alright I suppose, to archaic” he answered to my surprise. “Ah but that’s the beauty of it I mean we have enough cities, leave this little piece of heaven alone I say” I foolishly said, it probably wasn’t the best thing to say considering the president was doing a “Renewal and Progress” campaign, naturally they got a whole lot more suspicious I couldn’t blame them I could have been one of those eco-freaks. His partner came back and handed me my ID. “Here you go Mr. Egan” His partner quickly whispered something in his ear, probably about my little tongue spill. His slightly friendly expression naturally faded when he found out. “So, Egan right, that’s a colorful family” he continued. “Yup, you must be talking about our little “run ins” with the law” I answered checking my words over and over just to make sure I don’t send myself on a one way ticket to jail. “Your father and grandfather were outlaws, isn’t that right?” his partner continued, I had no choice but to respond “yea, they weren’t criminals, just outlaws, rebels you can say, it was a different time then” I cautiously continued. What followed was a nerve testing pause and stare competition, eventually it happened “alright, you are free to go, but you can’t go this way you have to head back sir” he said. Relieved I answered “alright have a good night then” and went on my way. I knew this town better then a few city boys in expensive suits ever will, I decided to continue on my way but through an alternate rout long forgotten and covered by vegetation. I don’t like getting into trouble, but I don’t like conforming either besides this road should bring back memories.

I continued my walk down the road enjoying every step I made and every breath I took until up ahead I saw three figures. One was on his hands and knees, the other was standing over him, and the third behind him waving a small flashlight. I cautiously moved closer and realized that the two figures standing were two local law enforcement agents and the figure on the floor was a well dressed man. Not much has changed. I could just hear my father and grandfather preaching about the injustice. I cautiously listened in on what was going on. The man on the floor was struggling to speak, “you… don’t know what you’re doing to yourselves…” right then the officer closest to him kicked hard on his face sending him flying flat on his back. “we don’t really care, do we bob” said the abuser to his accomplice. “nope…” answered his accomplice still fiddling with his flashlight. To my surprise the battered man burst laughing and then continued “ill-informed green horns, the shadow’s hand will not take this lightly, we won’t take this lightly at all” he struggled to get back on his feet. “Now I’ve had enough of this bob, let’s rough him up and leave him here maybe he’d choke on his own blood” the officer said as he rolled up his sleeves. I realized that if I were to do something it better be now. I could wait and see, after they’ve gone take him to a doctor if I could find one the whole town is closed, but do I really need to get involved? The voices of my grandfather and father were back at it again, “sneak behind them, wait for the fireworks, ambush them… so many possibilities after all you are an Egan Heir”… whatever I was going to do I better decide fast.

[The White Blacksmith]

Very good start, although you need to split the paragraphs a little. Try adding a new paragraph with new people speaking. There are a few gramatical errors, but overall it's good.

I say he should run.

[Loony]

Thanks,
Terribly sorry about the mistakes, I should have proofed it some more >.>
I'll put more care into it if it runs.

[Mephistopheles]

Ok, there were a lot of sentences that should be broken up. You needn't attempt to make a paragraph out of one sentence. I read the rushed comment above, so I will assume that you would have caught all the missing periods had you taken more time. over all, the spelling was good, and the narrative flow was okay.

I agree with the father and grandfather's voices: rebel against the man and do something to help the guy who is suffering the abuse. After saving him, who knows? perhaps enter into the secret organization that his forefathers were members of? I assume that is what the Shadow of the Hand is. Perhaps a bad assumption, but, it could be plot movement too.

Overall, good story. I'll wait a bit to see how things progress before i make any more leaps.

[Loony]

Again I apologize for the lack of structure. :oops:
I won’t give away too much of the story, but things will certainly become a lot more interesting later. ;)

[Adalia]

I like it. Good writing.

[The Dark]

The Dark enjoyed the needless violence. The Dark suggests that he follow the police, try to find out something he can use to his own advantage.

Maybe steal the victims wallet too.

[D-Lotus]

Quote: But I can’t help but miss it you know, that feeling, not having a single care in the world.

This narrative is somewhat slack; you are addressing the reader as a friend. It sounds more like a movie narration than a literary work. I recommend that you tighten your style and make it sound less like common speech.

The story is intriguing, however, and the DP is excellent. I like the story, regardless of the style. I would also recommend to have more description of the narrator, so that we the readers may understand his character and be able to make decisions based upon it.

I would say that because of his ancestors and because of his rebelry, he would help the victim. Grab a rock and hit one of them from behind the head.

[Loony]

I’m glad I finally found some helpful feedback from you guys and gals that will help improve my writing skills. You’re right about the tone, I usually like to connect with the reader on a more personal level in my writing but I should certainly tone it down a little, make it more professional maybe.

Another thing I like to do is gradually reveal the characters’ personalities as the story evolves. I like to believe that it helps give the reader some breathing space allowing him to make a few connections and assumptions on his own. This probably isn’t so good for a Storygame so I’ll certainly reveal a lot more about the character in the next chapter if it runs.

Thanks again for the feedback, and for reading.
:D

[Masterweaver]

No, that's a good method, you just have to take in account the polls. Personably, I would tell the cops a robbery was in progress elsewhere, then help the well-dressed man. Who should have a secret of his own...

[Loony]

Alrighty, so how does this work exactly? Do I open a Poll?

[Crunchyfrog]

Go to the first post that you made in this thread, and click on the edit button. You will see the poll options there. Fill out the fields and remember to click 'add' for each option.

:)

[Loony]

Alright thanks ^.^

[Chinaren]

Welcome Loon! Just caught up. There are a few little things, but most of them have been covered already.

As I missed the discussion, I've voted and will settle down to wait for the next one!

[Loony]

So what do we do when it's a dead lock :)

[Chinaren]

We use a dead key. Just joking. You can vote yourself, flip a coin, ask someone to break the tie, or merge the results.

[Loony]

ah!
Seems i didn't need to :D