City of IF

[Serge Wolf]

Heya everybody. I figured after reading a few SG's and meeting some of the great people here, I'd post up a little something I think I would like to do. Its something that should have nostalgic value for some of you.

The Characters Sam, Max, And Bosco, Are copyright Telltale games, Gametap, and Steve Purcel. This story game has no connection other than the characters created by said people and a few previous adventures that are mentioned. Don't sue me please. :(


PROLOGUE

It was one of those days. One of those days where everything was peaceful and nice. One of those days where anything could go wrong at the slightest provocation. Luckily for me, I lived off of those days. It was one of the few things that meant either living peacefully or living without a meal.

You see, my name is Sam and I am one of the two Freelance Police. The only police unit in New York on its own salary with its own brand of specialized justice. You see the Freelance Police comprises of me and my partner Max, but you’ll hear more about him later. We are so special that the NYPD refuses to even acknowledge our existence, but we’ve been doing work for well over 35 years, thanks to the hard dedication of the Commissioner. I’ll tell you more about him later as well.

Oh yes, as I was saying, It was one of those days of just me and Max sitting around in the office, it was a run down hole in the wall but the rent was really affordable, but we didn’t pay rent anyway so it’s not like it mattered. Anyway There I was sitting at my desk, with my legs kicked up on top of my desk. When Suddenly I heard the high pitched squeal of some woman in danger. Soon enough someone bust through the office door.

It was partner, Max, the furry little white, jittery, homicidal, lagomorphic, kinetic rabbit thingy. He had his big razor toothed grin on his face again as he strolled up to his desk and plopped his fluffy white tail into his chair.

“Hey Sam, Guess what?” he asked him, in his moderately high pitch baritone of a voice. I tipped my hat up from my eyes and gave him a thorough look through and then smiled. “What’s up little buddy?” I asked, obviously feeding his game to ask me questions. He cracked his wicked smile again and the preceded to reply back.

“Well I just came back from my investigations at the beach and learned that if you held a shell up to your ear that you could hear the ocean. So I figured that it must’ve been some sort of swirling vortex into a dimension where the actual world is an echo of a bigger ocean or a world inside a shell. So I decided to show my findings to some of the people who walk past our office daily, Like the meter maid who tries to write us up for the broken meter, that I broke 30 years ago. So I casually walked up to her jumped on her head and shoved the shell into her ear and then she went off screaming…” His voice trailed off as he put his paw upon his heart. “I like to think, that I helped her understand her place in our vast universe, just like the ocean is its own world inside a shell, just think about it Sam, She can hear it now, even as she runs screaming to the hospital maybe.”

I blinked a few times and let Max’s words sink in to the full effect and then just smiled. “You crack me up little buddy,” I said and tried to tip my hat back over my eyes and rest, just in case the Commissioner called with a new case for us. But suddenly it dawned on me. Max was moving his mouth as I spoke, he was speaking my thoughts right now, as if he was projected me into some cheesy 50’s film noir movie. Don’t ask me how I knew this, if you’ve been with Max as long as I have, you’d just sort of know these things, so I reached over and smacked him upside the head.

“Cut that out Max, your making me see gray and we haven’t even gotten a case yet.” I said. The moment I hit him, my color vision returned to normal and things felt normal again. Yep, this was going to be one of those days.

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I walked into the office with my casual grace and poise, ready to strike and any nearby offender that happened to offend my personal space but to my dismay I only saw Sam, sitting back in his chair wearing his blue suit with his hat pulled over his eyes. For a really tall dog thing creature he rather fit in rather well I thought. I filled him in on my recent discover only to be praised by his usual, “You crack me up little buddy.” Speech, which was seemingly good enough praise for me oddly enough.

Before I could continue my train of thought Sam smacked up upside my skull and caused my brain to rattle a bit. Opps, he must’ve caught on to the fact that I was secretly making this entire prologue into some sort of 1950’s Film Noir parody with him as the Ace detective and I, his Macho powerful and ruggedly handsome partner.. And with a new breath I secretly vowed that I’d get him to admit that Noir films where cool. One day. Hopefully today even.

Anyway, as the color returned to my vision and I stopped thinking about what other dimensions shells might have hidden inside them. Things calmed down and got boring…They always get boring after we solved a huge case the commissioner gave us. It’s boring! I wanna maim more criminals in a sense of strange and unusual. Hey, I wonder what happened to that Dystopian Ant farm I had lying around. The red ants had been doing so well for themselves recently. Oh well, ANY minute now the commissioner would call with a big beyond extraordinary case just like he always did and until he did, I’d bide my time and wait…It was going to be one of those days after all.

[NeverNeverGirl]

hey! Great start Serge! Welcome to IF!

I am very interested to see what the chapters hold for us!

[Serge Wolf]

Time for the first chapter then ><

Chapter 1

Hours had passed and transformed into days as they waited. Both Sam and Max had tried to pass the time, with their obscure game of darts which consisted of throwing a whole bunch of sharp instruments, such as a few hunting knifes, an ax, a couple ice picks, along with the original darts, they had played a few game but Sam changed his mind once Max suggested they find a new target, preferably alive. So he went to his desk and tried to relax the hours away.

Suddenly the phone rang, filling the air with the shrill noise of it’s repetitive tone. Sam had dosed off sitting at his desk just for a few minutes while Max was busy watching the ants inside the Dystopian Ant Farm trying to struggle to live on. The moment the phone went off both of them cried out in unison, “I’ve got it!” and jumped up in theirs seats and began to make a mad dash for the phone.

Sam kicked his chair out from himself with his foot as he stood up in a rush and ran to the phone and in the next moment max had jumped onto to his head and was attempting to pull Sam’s hat over his head completely, but being used to this common scenario, Sam reached up and grabbed Max by his small throat, only causing Max to kick his legs wildly and flail his arms about. Max had hit Sam in the face a few times and kicked him in the stomach, before Sam tightened his grip around his neck and punched him in the face a few times, before spinning around and throwing Max into the open closet at the far end of the office with enough force to close the door and keep him busy for a few seconds.

Sam made it to the still ringing phone and picked it up just as Max busted the closet door open, stepping out with his gun pointed at Sam, then frowned as he was too late to answer the phone and put his gun behind his back and out of sight.

“Look whoever this is, you better be someone important to call us or else I’ll send about 40 pounds of fuzzy white death your way. Oh. Sorry about that sir. Great! Uh-huh. Yes. Yes. Great white Scotsman wearing only a plaid kilt while standing in a category three hurricane! We are on it right away!” Sam cried out and hung up the phone as Max casually walked up to his partner.

“Who was that Sam? Was that the Secret Service trying to prank call us again?” he asked remembering back to a time when he was the president of the United States for a short time before being impeached for most heinous of crimes, of which will never be spoken ever again. Sam turned to his head and shook his head. “No Max that was the Commissioner with an exciting new case for us. There have been reports of terrible Hurricane suddenly appearing and destroying cities and then disappearing the next moment. The Commissioner wants us to investigate the last place that was destroyed for any clues that could help us out.”

Max blinked a few times ingesting the whole story and then shook his head. “Look, I HAD NOTHING to do with Katrina, and no one can pin that on me. There was no evidence and we all know that my hate for the Jazz/Blues and Gumbo soup had NOTHING to do with it ever.” He stammered and crossed his arms in defiance causing Sam to chuckle lightly. “No one blames you for that incident Max. At least not to your face. Now let’s go to Bosco’s. I’m sure he has some extremely over-priced snacks we can get before we hit the road.” He said with a smile as he headed for the door, adjusting his tie.

The left their office and walked out onto the street Sam stepping heavily and in a nice smooth gait while Max bobbed all over the place with his bouncy steps, not walking beside Sam, but instead walking in all sorts of directions, as if to explore the littlest detail of the New York sidewalk and many of the deserted building that happened to beside their office. Luckily for them Bosco’s Inconvenience Store was just down the block. So it was a short walk. They passed by Sam’s Car, the Desoto, which was smashed into the old parking meter outside the office a few feet, that he had first crashed into with his old car.

The walked by the last of the run down stores and stood right outside Bosco’s for a few minutes to look at the papers inside the boxes. “Sky Diver falls to death, saving kitten from falling to it’s doom.” Sam read aloud for Max. “Well I guess he had a splitting headache at the end.”

“I like to think that the kitten set him up. Also, Sam don’t tell that joke again.” Max said as Sam continued to read the next article in the other newspaper box.

“Hurricane 14, Talesboure WI, force 4, record time: 6 minutes. Hurricane 12 holds the record of 4 minutes.” Sam read aloud again. “I have no idea whether or not I should be scared that there have been 14 hurricanes so far causing so much destruction in little time, or the fact that they are making a game out of how long the terror last.” He said and looked down to Max.

“At least they are trying to keep up good spirits,” Max replied as they both walked into the store.

Inside the store was a complete wreck, most of the obscure food products were knocked off the shelves, spilling their equally obscure contents all over the floor, in between the aisles. One look over to the counter showed that Bosco was indeed no where to be seen to clean the mess that maybe he had made.

“Well now, it seems that some perpetrator has caused a mess inside this less than fine establishment. I wonder where Bosco has run off to then.” Sam asked as he stepped in and looked around, ignoring the many security cameras that the paranoid merchant had installed. He walked up to the counter and found a small paper note written by Bosco and begun to read it aloud.

“Dear Sam and Max, I have decided for my health, safety, and sanity to not do any business in person now. Instead I will be keeping watch from my panic room. Feel free to buy whatever you want, and make sure you pay, or else my homemade security system will activate and won’t let you leave till you pay. Trust me fools, I mean business. Signed, Bosco.”

Max looked at Sam and was silent for a few seconds. “I don’t know about you, but his paranoia only gets worse with each passing week. Do you think it has anything to do with the ghostly noises recording I left playing in his bathroom?” he asked with a curious smile.

“I don’t know little buddy, Bosco has always been a little unhinged. Anyway I’d rather not find out what home security he has rigged up this time. So how about you get what you want while I wait here.” He said and leaned back against the counter as his partner had already taken off at a moments notice tearing through the aisle grabbing this and that in eager glee.


Alrighty Then here are the obvious DP's: Should They Leave Without Paying? Should they Try and Explore to find Bosco? Or Forgo all that stuff, leave the money on the counter and Go look for clues?

Anything else is free game.

[Lilith]

*chuckles* Indeed quite chuckle worthy there.....

Let's see.. hmm.... Explore around for Bosco is my bet...

[Masterweaver]

I like your style. My vote is Sam whips out a vampire costume to frighten Boris.

[Mephistopheles]

i say...let's see what security looks like. Rules were made to be broken, and threats were meant to be challenged. So grab some really good stuff and head for the streets!

[Crunchyfrog]

Okay, you asked for a crit.... :D

Quote: “Hey Sam, Guess what?” he asked him, in his moderately high pitch baritone of a voice - stray word in there somewhere... he's talking to the narrator, Sam.

Quote: So I casually walked up to her jumped on her head and shoved the shell into her ear and then she went off screaming…”
need a comma between 'her' and 'jumped'

Quote: “I like to think, that I helped her understand her place in our vast universe, just like the ocean is its own world inside a shell, just think about it Sam, She can hear it now, even as she runs screaming to the hospital maybe.”

mixed up on the sentences here, probably the second sentence should start with 'Just think about it Sam,'


OK when we move to Chapter 1, we're out of the first person and into 3rd person.
Bit of a shock there, when you're reading straight from one to the other, but you need to make sure that you stay in the same mode.

Quote: Sam had dosed off sitting at his desk just dozed

Quote: The moment the phone went off both of them cried out in unison, “I’ve got it!” and jumped up in theirs seats and began to make a mad dash for the phone. Jumped up in their seats

Quote: Sam kicked his chair out from himself with his foot as he stood up in a rush and ran to the phone and in the next moment max had jumped onto to his head and was attempting to pull Sam’s hat over his head completely, but being used to this common scenario, Sam reached up and grabbed Max by his small throat, only causing Max to kick his legs wildly and flail his arms about.

Very long sentence. Needs to be chopped up a bit.

Quote: Sam kicked his chair out from under himself with his foot as he dashed for the phone. In the next moment Max had jumped onto his head, trying to pull Sam's hat down over his head completely. Being used to this common scenario, Sam reached up and grabbed Max by his small throat, causing Max to kick his legs wildly and flail his arms about.

Quote: One look over to the counter showed that Bosco was indeed no where to be seen to nowhere


Quote: I wonder where Bosco has run off to then.” Sam asked Probably wondered is better than asked. It's not really a question.

Overall the technical mistakes are minor, and I could have probably found more, but I'm sure with a proof read you'll catch and fix them!

This is a great read. The only problem is that not being familiar with the characters from the games, I am having a hard time visualising them, and some of the dialogue (Max denying he was responsible for Katrina, for example) left me a little lost. I kinda got that they are very small and live in a hole in the wall but I have no clue as to what Sam may look like at all.

So, perhaps you could introduce a little more description there in your next chapter, to get your readers a little more familiar with the characters.


For the DP - I'm for going to look for Bosco. Sounds like Max would prefer just to grab the loot and run, but Sam seems more sensible, and sort of in control of the pair.

:)

[Chinaren]

I'm with Messy on this one. Let's move!

A good start there Swolf. There's a few things, but CF has covered most of them already.

[Serge Wolf]

Alrighty Then. I've taken everything into account and there are two popular choices for the poll. And I'd like to especially thank CrunchyFrog for the advanced Crit. As It really helped me understand what I normally need to fix more often.

The Poll Has gone Up!

[NeverNeverGirl]

one word i noticed was Dosed instead of dozed.

one is like dosed up on drugs and the other is dozed asleep.

*will vote and comment aSAP!*

[NeverNeverGirl]

i voted beat the streets.... let me see soem more of this world...

[Masterweaver]

YOu do realize that if anybody suggests anything, no matter how rediculous, it goes in?

Because what's the point of having a DP if you've determined all the options?

[Serge Wolf]

Search around for Bosco 50% [ 3 ]

Beat The Streets 33% [ 2 ]

Author Only 16% [ 1 ]

[NeverNeverGirl]

Masterweaver wrote: YOu do realize that if anybody suggests anything, no matter how rediculous, it goes in?

Because what's the point of having a DP if you've determined all the options?

The suggestion needs to be relevant to the given DP. You are aware of this. Please stay on topic.