City of IF

[bookwizard]

Ok, I wrote this short story a while ago, and I know that is not to good, in fact I believe that is one of the worst stories I have wrote, but that is why I am here. It would be nice if I could get some feedback on this, and maybe alter it to make it better. Mybe even just work with the idea and create a whole new story. Ok here it is...



Okewiled Base 39
John departed from okewiled base 39, he started to think about his, and the worlds predicament.

By the name okwiled base 39 you may get the impression that there are 39 of them, then you’ve got the wrong impression. Well in a way there are 39 of them, there just not there anymore, the reason it was called okwiled base 39 was because there HAVE been 39 of them. It had been rebuild 39 times, not in any different places; it had been destroyed and put back up in the same place 39 times (you may be wondering why it was built in the same place every time, but that is a different story and will be told a different time). This was for the simple reason that okwiled was a refuge for scientists, now if you were a person of this particular time period you would immediately understand, but because, I don’t think you are a person of that particular time period, I will explain.

It was currently the year 9032, 4000 years before the Odon war began. The war had been given its name by the cruel dictator who started it, Odon. It was around the year 5000, the world had become so overpopulated that, wars were happing everywhere.

Odon was the leader of some small island range off of Meninton (where in the years before 3011 was called Mexico). He had build a small army up and had somehow, discovered a new form of nuclear missile. People hade long stopped using anything nuclear in battle, because, things like the bio bomb had already been invented. For some odd reason Odon decided to try to develop another kind of nuclear missile instead of making something like a bio bomb, which any other kind of leader would have done . Well as the world works, he just so happened to stumble upon one of the most deadly form of weapon ever to be created in the world yet, the weapon was later known as the Odon bomb.

Now the whole reason this war started was not because Odon wanted power (but he did want that to of course) but because of Odon’s view on the growing overpopulation problem. He strongly believed that the best way to the problem is to have a everlasting kind of lottery to decide on families or individual people to be eliminated, as he put it. Now, of course when he announced this to the world it was not as widely excepted as he hoped it would be. This was the start of the Odon war.

Now where may you ask do scientists fit into this, well the main reason it that Odon not only crazy as many people saw him, but also extremely paranoid. He thought that while any scientist survived there would be a danger of them finding the secret of his special weapon so at the start of the war he did not target his enemies but scientists. Thankfully this led to his demise, but at the cost of many lives.

So many people thought, HOPED that the war would end there. Surly since the sole reason of the war had died, but they were sadly wrong. Odon had a son, who took his place, and continued the ruthless war, and when he died his son took over, forming a dynasty of death. By now Odon’s dynasty had taken over half the world, and the secret of the nuclear bombe had been lost.

There was great hope as well when the plans to the nuclear bombe were accidentally destroyed by one of there more foolish of Odon’s successors. As well though this hope was in vain, the Odon army already had enough power to keep their territory and continue to invade the remaining safe places on earth. Also by this time most of their scientists were gone except a few that were in hiding.

It was one of the remaining scientists of this time who founded okwild base, this was Jennifer okwild. It did pretty well in the start, it wasn’t found out for some 100 years. Witch gave it time to become one of the most beautiful, and interesting places on the planet. Of course no one but the people who lived there new that. After that is was found and attacked and rebuilt from the rubble of the old one 39 times, each time being named with the accordance of the new number.

All of this and more passed through johns mind and more. John was a micro biologist, he was going on an expedition to the bottom of the odons ocean (known as the pacific ocean before the war started) to find the remaining species of a micro organism that would soon become extinct due to mass pollution put out by Odon’s army.

He had never gone diving before, and though he had a whole team of professional divers with him, he was still quite nerves. The boat came to a halt, and john was ushered onto the edge of the boat, he toke a deep breath, slipped on his ADS, anti depressional suit, and plunged into the icy cold water. With the small mounted propeller on hid back, and the encouraging thumbs up from the diving team around him, the dive was not nearly as bad as john had thought it would be.

But then it happened, there was a sudden force more powerful then john had ever felt before, and he was pushed away from the group in a heart beat. He was completely alone in the dark water, not knowing what direction is up, and not knowing what direction is down. He floated stunned and terrified for a moment taking everything in.

He must have been hit by some sort of underwater explosive device, and the group must have been scattered. He didn’t know what to do, so he simply started to swim the way he thought was up, after about what seemed like 2 hours, john felt ground, he had went the wrong way! All was lost he thought, he didn’t have enough air to get back up, he would have to wait, to drown in the depths of the ocean.

John helplessly started to float around the sea floor, and suddenly his micro activity sensor on his suit started to beep. He took out his mini microscope and looked at the place that was registering the disturbance. And to his surprise he saw the familiar shape of a microorganism he had only seen in books, the name had long ago been lost, and no one had thought to replace it, seeing as Odon nuclear bombs had completely wiped them out. It was the molecule that started it all, the molecule of life.

John was stunned, if these had somehow come back to life, then the human race could rebuild itself, after they wiped each other out. There was a great rumbaing above, and somehow john new that it was the bombs being dropped. He smiled to himself, the world will be destroyed, but we will build ourselves back, from scratch, we will. And there he sat, the world’s destroyer above him, and the worlds savior below him, his tank of air slowly running out, and he smiled again.

[Crunchyfrog]

(Moved to Linear)

Book, if you want a crit, make a seperate thread in Critique Corner with a link to this story.

Cheers
CF

[Chinaren]

Book, if you can't be bothered to format it, I don't think that it's fair to ask others to be bothered to crit it, do you?

[bookwizard]

Personally I do, I don't see what the big deal is, I can read it easily, and am writing this in the middle of the night well my eyes are killing me.

[Crunchyfrog]

Book, as I mentioned previously, post a thread in Crit Corner, with a link to this thread.

Cren is right though, a whole block of text with no paragraphs is difficult to read online. If you read any section of text, whether on the internet or in a book, you'll see that it is divided into paragraphs.

You'll get more chance of a crit if you make it easier to read - I may even have a go at critting it myself.

Cheers
CF

[Mephistopheles]

i have to agree with cren, i have great eyesight, and i can't be bothered to attempt to keep track of the words in that block of black and white. at least make it a size or two larger if you want to keep it in one solid block. consider that a first glance crit, bookie :)

[Chinaren]

bookwizard wrote: Personally I do, I don't see what the big deal is, I can read it easily, and am writing this in the middle of the night well my eyes are killing me.

Actually, without wishing to really go off topic here, it's not just about the ease-of-readability.

Critting takes a fair bit of effort to do properly, and if you can't make the effort to attempt to format the work and make it presentable, then it seems you don't really care about it. If you don't really care about it, what's the point in doing a crit for it?

The reason for critting someone's work is to point out ares you think could be done better, or areas that may be improved. Your original post comes across like you don't really give a damn.

So, consider this my first crit. - Correct the formatting!

[EDIT] Oh, sorry CF. This should be in the crit forum. :oops: Maybe lock this thread?

[bookwizard]

Ok, am going to put a link to this in the crit forum, but all respond to cren's last message here. What if I double spaced it, would that be enough, because I just cant get a hang of the format, you should be abel to read it while being double spaced. Sorry if I sounded like I didn't care, because it just so happened at the time I didn't, I was up in the middle of the night and not enjoying myself, so I wasn't really thinking, so would it be Ok if I double spaced it.

[Crunchyfrog]

Double spacing each line is no good either, it needs to be formatted into paragraphs. I'll take a closer look at it and post in the crit forum later today.

Cheers
CF