City of IF

[bookwizard]

I have written a few poems in my time (or at least things that resemble poems :lol:) and I was wondering I may get some feedback on a few of them.




Feel the earth move around you,
Feel the great reaches of space fall silently upon you,
Feel the power of creation itself,
Embrace the life of earth and of all that you have felt,
Come now to the world of infinity,
Your time has come to leave all that is this great vicinity,
Now all is nonexistent,
And you are but another of creations many assistants



See that great light,
Feel the ultimate power,
Sense the greatness that is yet to come,
Follow these things so as you don’t become senseless,
Cling to life or prepare for nonexistence,
The choice is come to by many,
Made by few,
Now you must chose, and only you,
All shall die all shall live,
It shall never be,
There is but one thing to do,
And it may be simply as insignificant a bee,
All will fall together,
But there may never be peace,
Simply remember the choice by you must be








The world has gone mad,
Nothing will survive and nothing will fall within the right hands,
But wait,
There is light,
There is a way out of this terrible blight,
And that is pure love and might,
All good shall prevail,
All evil shall fail,
Everything will heal,
All once again will feel,
The world will rise once more



There is no way out,
Loved ones cry,
As I die,
There will never be a way out,
As I fall,
As I doubt,
I know there is no way out,
But something has changed,
As I reach the ground,
As I think and rejoice,
There comes an eternal and glorious sound,
That of singing and merriment,
I now know that happiness has been found,
And even here,
Dark underground,
Even here happiness can be found






Life is but an eternal clock,
You just walk and walk and walk,
Without much stop you walk,
Listening to the eternal ticks and tocks,
But stop you must in this life that is a clock,
For if you don’t stop the clock just may stop.



You want to go through life without a worry,
Without a care,
Maybe go to the fair,
But to bad,
That’s not how things are to be had,
Life is unfair,
But not really completely there,
You must understand the essence of life,
Witch dose not only put happiness into effect,
But also stress and strife,
In this there is an everlasting balance,
Find Pease here,
And understand it,
To grasp life as a friend and be able to willfully unhand it.



You run,
You have fun,
You stop,
You have some thoughts,
You sit,
You ponder a bit,
You stand,
You run again,
In desperation,
Now comes the perspiration,
You sit again,
You relax,
You stand,
You fall.



Fire rages everywhere,
But what is this,
All you can think of is you’re lost under-where,
And your base ball mitt and your hair,
Don’t you think you should care?
But no the fire can wait,
I just remembered I have to get fishing bait,
No, no,
I must get a grip,
The flames up to my hip,
I must get out,
Oh well I suppose everyone’s life is filled with doubt,
No need to pout.




Never eat anything,
You get fat,
You’ll look like a rat,
It will bother you even more then that,
So remember,
Never eat anything,
You will start blemishing,
You be so fat it will look like your melting,
Wow… am quite hungry,
Am going to go get a bit to eat,
No, no don’t even think about moving your feet,
But still remember,
Never eat anything.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also have a few more and I will post those here later... maybe after I get a bit of feedback on the ones that are currently posted.

[Jalorn]

If you want to know, book, that's why I tested you, and why you passed. Oh, and I'm sorry that I haven't been to see you in a while, but I had to stay with some other friends, and if I part with them for too long, their loyalty and trust in me fades. It is required that I spend all of next week with them, too. But, I can easily see you after that for a few days (not in a row), or next week after 3 PM. I look forward to talking with you, as I have much to "express". In our next meeting, I will reveal to you what I have learned in the mountain... perhaps you will also have valuable knowledge as well.
All in all, very good, but unfortunately cheesy. I've tried to write poetry such as this, and have found that for it to be good at all, it must be perfect. So far, I've only written 2 perfect poems in my life, but that's out of a few thousand. Still, your poems are good, and you never cease to amaze me with the grasp you have on spiritual flow.

[Crunchyfrog]

(thread moved to Linear)

When using Critique corner, you should post your work in the appropriate forum and start a seperate thread in crit corner linking to your work as per the Crit Corner Rules.

Book and, Jalorn, I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt as you are new, and so is Crit Corner, and you may not have read the forum rules properly.

However, Crit Corner is not to be abused by posting off topic chat either, and I have therefore moved this thread into Linear. The fables you earned will be deducted accordingly.

Book - feel free to start a new thread in Crit Corner linking to this one for more critiques on your poetry. Only text containing critique will be accepted in Crit Corner, and anything that looks like an attempt to earn cheap fables will be dealt with as appropriate.

Thanks
CF

[bookwizard]

Sorry CF, I did not realize there was a set of rules until after posting, and jalorn, I don't believe I will ever truly understand your way of doing things but, so be it, your a businessman at heart I can tell you that much. The wheel weaves as the wheel wills.

[Jalorn]

*laughs heartily* At heart, I am beyond mortal compensation, friend. However, you WILL discover why I do as I do, know what I know, and feel how I feel. Destiny has become involved, unfortunately.

[bookwizard]

You sound like your trying to initiate me into a secret society jalorn... not everything has to be melodramatic, sometimes it even corrupts the way you think unless you rely on it, which doesn't help to much ether.

[Jalorn]

Drama is not my purpose, only restraint. I have many things to say, but I must first judge the affect they will have upon you I before revealing them. I'm sorry that this sounds so unrealistic to you.

[bookwizard]

No, no I understand, you have started something in a certain way and wish to finish it in the same fashion, I do the same thing, if you don't know what am talking about then don't worry, but it really boils down to about that. But no more "judging", the best way to do that is to not tell the person your evaluating. If you walk up to a person and say am testing you then try to strike up a conversation, it wont be as good as just striking up a conversation and then evaluating them, if you know what I mean. You have a very direct way of doing things, which is good, so do I, I believe you have noticed that, but there are setbacks to everyone, especially when they are trying not to show them. For instance, I am horrible at expressing myself in person, I do so much better in words, I could tell you why, but it would take much to long, and I would have to go into moral philosophy as well as my personal philosophy... Further more, since I have not got a chance to tell you, I remember you telling me that it was better for a philosopher to be his own master and form his own views. Well this is what all philosophers are meant to do, only good ones do this and do more by knowing the views of others, to help compare and revise there own.

[Crunchyfrog]

Can we keep this on topic, please.

[Jalorn]

Topics change. And book, thank-you for your views. But, now that the evaluation is over, I can tell you that I already tested you the way you advised. You simply didn't know it because I didn't tell you. Then I ran a second test by first telling you that I was going to test you. My results, as I intended, varied from the pressure you were under.

[bookwizard]

Sorry again CF, after this everything will be on topic, jalorn, no matter how much you hate school, your going to be a teacher some time in your life :lol:, and not to burst your bubble or anything, but I got the impression of what you were doing the whole time, for the simple reason that you were approaching your "testing" (get shivers whenever I here that word) in a way very much like I would. ;)

[Jalorn]

Exactly, my tests revealed that you and I have nearly the same conscience.

[bookwizard]

thats going a bit to far and sounds a bit creepy, and wouldn't go well with Plato, but sure.

P.S. by the way I finally got "The Complete Works of Plato" YES!!!!...

[Jalorn]

Great... for you. I believe you already know my feelings in that area.

[bookwizard]

:) Yes I do, and I respect your way of approaching philosophy, even though I don't agree with it (am pushing it as a philosopher even accepting it :lol:).