City of IF

[Crunchyfrog]

Pain.

Throbbing pain. It pounded in a steady rhythm through his head, gradually synchronising with a blinking light that filtered through the redness of his tightly closed eyelids.

Shaun turned over, his muscles complaining at the effort this involved. The movement caused a sudden nausea, and his stomach readied itself for a good hurl. His eyes snapped open in an attempt to stop the room spinning.

“Owww…” he moaned, as the flashing light stabbed into his eyes, and he shut them tightly again, causing his head to start spinning again. Realising the nausea was less tolerable than the light, Shaun reluctantly accepted that the time had come to wake up.

He cursed his own stupidity. Every year he went through this, an evening never remembered, followed by a deathly hangover. Something nagged at the back of his mind that by now he really ought to know better.

Squinting at his surroundings, Shaun was relieved to find that he had at least made it to his bedroom this time, although not quite as far as his bed. He raised his head from the floor and stared about the darkened room, thankful that the thick, heavy blue curtains were doing their job at keeping the morning sunlight out.

He looked around for the source of the flashing light. It was coming from his laptop, which was lying on the dark blue carpet beside him. The screen was blank and three simple words flashed across it in white letters.

“You have mail.”

Shaun frowned and sat up slowly, holding his pounding head delicately between his hands. His neck felt too weak to hold the weight of his skull, so he carefully tilted his head to one side, resting it on his left hand, whilst reaching towards his keyboard with the right.

Before he touched anything, the screen flickered to life. The display was something that looked like a forum index, but somehow more complex. He recoiled at the relative brightness of the soft, silvery grey background and green text, waiting for his eyes to get used to the glare.

His recollection of registering on this site was vague. Like the rest of his antics during the beer-drenched evening before, he couldn’t remember how he’d managed it, or even why he’d bothered, especially with the account name he’d managed to come up with.

“Oh Jesus,” he groaned his annual post-St. Patrick’s day prayer, “Remind me never to go drinking again…”

Staring back at the screen, Shaun noticed a little pop-up window had appeared. He’d received his first private message!

Leaning forward he tapped the link for his private inbox, and raised his eyebrows at the message title. It came from someone called Key, whoever that might be.

“Welcome to IF, Sucker,” it said.

This took Shaun by surprise. Usually welcome notes were a little friendlier than this. Still, unperturbed, he opened the message… and then really wished he hadn’t.

- - -

The screen of his laptop rippled momentarily, and from it a velvety blackness expanded and enveloped him, spinning him hopelessly faster and faster. He felt his form stretch to ridiculous proportions as he was literally sucked into the computer’s screen. He felt a sickening feeling of falling - the nausea he’d experienced when closing his eyes had nothing on this, and he yelled for all he was worth.

At last his guts could take it no longer, and the remains of the last pint of beer forced itself upwards and he vomited forth into the void.

- - -

Solid ground hit him with a thud. Once more, Shaun turned over, and opened his eyes. To his surprise, he was no longer in his bedroom. Placing his hands on the concrete paving slabs he pushed himself upwards and sat back on his heels, gazing around in wonder.

He was in a large, empty city square, surrounded by enormous buildings of black stone, their beautifully sculpted towers silhouetted against a warm, orange sky.

Shaun gaped at the sight. He’d always imagined IF to look like this. He’d lurked on the site long enough to understand it a little, and long enough to realise that something didn’t seem right.

Where were the creatures? Where were the fairies, wizards, dragons, daemons? The bizarre inhabitants of IF were conspicuously absent from this scene, and it made him feel nervous.

Gradually, Shaun got to his feet, groaning at the pain still thumping in his head, and turned a full circle. He was completely alone.

Welcome to IF, Sucker, he thought to himself. Bastards.

Adrenalin pumped through his body, dulling the pain in his head. He needed to do something. Find out where he really was, and why.

He’d barely taken a few steps when the atmosphere rippled ahead of him.

A body appeared suspended momentarily in thin air, before dropping like a stone to the ground, with a thud and an indignant cry.

Immediately, Shaun ran to help. He saw that it was a woman of fairly diminutive stature, her long brown velvety coat covering most of what looked like a dark, multicoloured, multilayered flowing skirt. She moaned as she stirred on the stone paving, her face scraped and bloody from the fall.

“Are you okay?” he asked hopefully, crouching down beside her. This question was about as far as Shaun’s first aid knowledge stretched, and he hoped it would do.

She looked up at him, then past him. Sitting up she stared wildly about her. “I’m in IF…” she breathed. She ran her hands over the paving stones, hitting them hard in disbelief. “IF is REAL!” Looking down at herself she then gasped. “…And I’m human!”

Shaun stared stupidly at the woman. She must have had a knock to the head.

“Why, shouldn’t you be?”

“Well, not here, not normally, no…” she replied, standing up and brushing herself down, “although it is rather refreshing not having to assume various amphibian forms at the whims of other’s imaginations. Still, partly my fault for registering as Crunchyfrog, I suppose.”

Shaun shook his head. She really wasn’t making any sense.

“Look,” he said, “I need some help… you said we’re in IF. I really think I may have come here by mistake and I want to go home. You see, I registered by accident when I was drunk and I got this PM…”

“Welcome to IF, Sucker?”

“Yes…”

“Strange, I got that too. Strange because I’m not a newbie, and strange because you don’t get sucked into your computer screen every day. Wow, coming to IF in human form, eh?” she smiled to herself. “I reckon some people are going to have a hard time dealing with that, hehe…”

Shaun was perplexed. Clearly this person had not yet grasped the reality of the situation. “Well, if you’re not a newbie, can you tell me what’s going on?” he cried. “Can’t you take me to someone in charge?”

The woman smiled for a moment, and then her expression turned serious.

“I’ve got good news and bad news, Newbie. The good news is that I am in charge. Apparently, anyway. My name is…” she hesitated for a moment. “Actually, since we’re in IF, perhaps we’d better stick to registered names. You can call me Crunchyfrog. What’s yours?”

Shaun thought of his chosen registered name and turned bright red. It was highly embarrassing. He tried to swing the subject back again.

“And the bad news?”

“Ah, yes the bad news. The bad news is… I’ve not the foggiest idea what is going on.”

Shaun yelled out in exasperation, his voice echoing off the buildings surrounding the square. He was trapped in an empty city inside his computer with a mad woman. What could possibly go wrong next?

The air around them shimmered again, and another human form materialised in mid air, before dropping to the ground like a stone a few yards away from them.

Shaun looked to Crunchyfrog. “Who is it?” he asked.

“I’ve no idea,” she replied. “If we’re appearing in IF in human form it’s unlikely that we’ll recognise one another. Let’s go and find out…”

[Crunchyfrog]

Shaun followed Crunchyfrog to the other human, who was muttering to herself softly as she sat up, rubbing various sore spots from her fall.

"Ow, ow, owies....The next time I get a PM from Key, I'm.. -" She stopped muttering for a moment and looked around at her surroundings, her long, slightly wavy auburn hair falling in her face as she looked about.

"Still no idea who that is, Crunchyfrog?" Shaun leaned over and said in Crunchy's ear. He was very worried now that someone may have spiked his drink with something, besides liquor. He also worried that his dogs might tear his room apart at home in Real Life, but he had no clue whatsoever of how to get back to RL.

"Haven't the foggiest. Ask her, I don't think she'll bite -" Crunchyfrog was cut-off as the girl let out a shriek of surprise.

"AH! IF IS REAL! And I'm.. HUMAN IN IT! AGHHHHH!!!" The redhead wailed, pounding the concrete with her fists in a slightly temper-tantrum-esque fashion.

"Still think she won't bite?" Shaun queried.

"Well, she's human, so maybe it won't be that hard." Crunchyfrog gave Shaun a shove towards the redhead.

Shaun stumbled and tripped, falling into a squat, level with the redhead. "Um, hello?" He caught a a glimpse of green-brown eyes and freckles smattered across her nose and cheeks before she jumped to her feet with another noise of surprise.

"Eeep! Who are you?!" She was pretty tall for a girl, all her height in her long torso and long legs; blue jeans and a simple blue peasant top along with impeccably white trainers on her feet made her seem pretty normal to Shaun.

"I'm.. uh..." Shaun remembered his very embarrassing IF name with a jolt and turned to Crunchyfrog. "This here's Crunchyfrog, you know her?"

Shaun watched the redhead's face light-up as she smiled at Crunchy. "Oh, thank goodness you're here, Crunch,... and crap, you're human too. We are so, totally, screwed." She pouted slightly.

Crunchyfrog sighed exasperatedly and looked Shaun and the redhead in the eye. "Maybe not, if we can figure out just where in IF we are... and make our way to Key's palace and inquire about those rather rude PMs.... "

Shaun cut Crunchy off as he realized he didn't know the girl's name. "Hey, who are you anyway, Red?"

"Oh! How rude of me! I'm sorry.. I'm Lilith, mod of Fantasy Forest, but everybody calls me Lily." Lily smiled and held out her hand for a handshake. As Shaun shook her hand, Lily spoke again. "And you never answered my question. Who are you?"

Shaun gritted his teeth and was prepared to say his IF name when they heard a loud thud behind them, followed by a loud "OWW!"

"Let's go find out who that is!" Shaun said enthusiastically, hoping the women would forget about his IF name.

"You two do that, I'm going to look around for a sign post of some sort,.. We need to figure out where we are.." Crunchyfrog stated as she began to meander about, twisting and turning her head every which way, sometimes muttering under her breath, sometimes dusting off her jacket.

Shaun shook his head at the Mayoress. "She always like that?" He jerked a thumb towards Crunchy as he spoke to Lily.

Lily shrugged. "Not usually.. I wouldn't annoy her right now if I were you.. Now who have we got here?"

Shaun looked at the IFian who had just dropped in a few seconds ago curiously...

[Crunchyfrog]

...watching as he landed face first on the pavement with a thud and a loud "ow"

The guy stood up, brushing himself down muttering something about spam.

Shaun looked over his shoulder at his female companions.

"Hey Lily, Crunchy whose this guy?" he asked, gesturing with his thumb at the angry looking newcomer.

Lily looked at him. "Beats me," she retorted. "Why don't you ask him?"

Shaun hesitated, then strolled across the small gap between them looking down at the pavement as he did so. " Excuse me but who are you?"

The man seemed to be stroking his waist and cussing loudly. "Wheres my utility belt? wheres my blimp? where the F*** is my blimp?"

Shaun jumped out of his skin. "What was that bleep? Er... and more importantly, who are you?"

The man looked up, a worried look on his face. "I'm Duffman or i should be... By the looks of it I'm not I've lost my blimp and utility belt! "Oh I feel so naked!"

Shaun shook his head in disbelief. He looked over his shoulder and shouted "He says he's called Duffman. Does that mean anything to either of you two other than the Simpsons?"

Lily looked unconcerned. "Oh yeah he is an old face resurfaced in recent weeks and started a fast paced RP, he's a bit of a hard task master if you ask me always rushing me and my work"

Shaun laughed a silent laugh. My work! God these people are insane! Why the hell did I ever sign up on here?

He looked up into the sky observing the great towers which seemed to stretch miles up dominating the clear orange sky and casting long dark shadows over the pavement on which he stood.

His head felt like it was splitting as the bright sun shone down, and he massaged his temples in vain. He could barely open his eyes, the light hurt them so much. Squinting, he looked over to Crunch, and decided to approach her.

"Um you wouldn't happen to have a pain killer would you? My head is killing me..."

"No, Shaun I don't," snapped the Mayoress. "I got sucked into my computer as I am. Its not like I had time to pack a bag."

He was about come back with a smart ass reply, when they were both interrupted by a loud scream and a thud, inches behind them.

[Crunchyfrog]

"Vital organs. Check. Left arm. Check. Right arm. Check. Legs. Check. Internal system. Check. Activating logic circuts. Deactivateing logic circuts. Brain on. Brain off."

"Well whoever it is, he's nuts," Lilith commented.

"Five nine two, my dear. Let me get up."

The IFian, or presumably the user, made a quick kick with his legs to a standing form. He brushed off his black slacks, whirled his neck around with some slight cricking, and turned to Shaun.

"So, I assume you're responsible for this?"

"What? No!"

"Kay-o. So, where's the party?"

"What?" Lilith asked, shaking her head.

"The costume party? Do you thing I wear all this normally?"

Indeed, his garb was outlandish. He wore what resembled an eight-pointed mortarboard that alternated between red and black with a horn in the center. A blood-red robe rippled over a red t-shirt, and black gloves were encircled by, guess what, red fabric. A mask made of the same fabric with one single, raged eyehole covered his face entirely, and in his hand he held a curved handleless blade that upon closer examination was made of plastic.

"I mean, 'Welcome to IF, Sucker?' It can't be a welcome, so it has to be an invitation. And all us IFians are nuts, so it had to be a costume party. Strange method of transport though."

"You're not suprised?" Lilith asked, shocked.

"You're new here, aren't you?"

"I'm queen of Fantasy Forest!"

"Oh! Lil! I can see you went with the "Stereotypical Modern Teen Model" costume! It really works!"

"WHAT?!?!?"

"We were transported here by accident," interjected Shaun. "You must have been transported too. I don't think it's a party."

"Oh, that? Well it obviously must have been a stable portal with a signal from both ends if we're still human."

"What?" Shaun and Lilith glanced warily at one another.

"Oy gesharek, doesn't anybody read Hawkings anymore? He's not dead yet."

"I'm sorry, what are you talking about?" asked Duffman.

The teen in red shrugged. "It's quantum physics. Simple."

Lilith furrowed her brow as she tried to comprehend. "Wait... Why did you call me a TEEN MODEL?!?!?!"

The teen in red wrapped his arm around Shaun. "Let's go find the mayor," he grinned. "She can work this out."

"Crunchyfrog is over there," Lilith pointed out, "and you still haven't answered my question."

"RL Crunchy is over there. IF Crunchy is in the mansion. Thus, we go to the mayoral mansion."

More wary glances were exchanged between the others. Shaun, however, was more intent on getting information from the newcomer.

"Do you know where we are?" he asked.

"Not a clue. This way." He began wlking off in a random direction, beckoning to the others as he went.

Shaun leaned over to Lilith. "Who is that?"

"Masterweaver, definately. He's the only guy I know who'd think 'Welcome to IF Sucker' was an invitation to a costume party."

[Crunchyfrog]

The dynamic trio left the square and entered the streets of IF, remarking on various buildings as if they'd been there before. Shaun followed, in a state of confusion and awe. He'd only caught a glimpse of the world, it was all random and unknown to him.

He followed them down a lonely dark alley, and marvelled at the shiny street-furniture, glittering around him. "Ah, look at the lights! They look like they've been pulled from England around the 1900s!"

"Meh". Shaun could see the redhead shrug and whisper silently to the clown, "newbs... gah".

They were walking silently, except for Masterweaver who was constantly rambling about time traveling, trying to explain Duff what a stable wormhole was about as if he was talking to a baby. Well, a baby genius with an IQ of 185, but still, a baby.

"I ain't got a damn clue what you're rambling 'ere." Duff shook his head. "Lemme tell ya sumthin'. When we get to the Inn, I'll buy you a duff and we'll have a nice little chat about those holes that the space worms made. K?"

Before Masterweaver could respond, Lillith shouted. They finally found a sign!

"Come on slowpokes! Finally some clues..."

And a clue it was. The sign was on the pavement, and it made Shaun laugh and others scratch their heads. One hand of the sign pointed to the left and said "Left" and the other, on the right, said "Right".

"Son of a blade! Who posted this?" Lillith shrieked. She turned to the other two as if she was looking for an answer... and she got one. Duffman was sincerely confused, but Masterweaver was sightseeing, looking around innocently.

"WHY YOU LITTLE!!!..."

She dashed towards him, stretching out her hands to choke the teenage bugger, but as Duff was turning away and he was itching for a sneeze. Just when Lillith grabbed Masterweaver's neck, Duff turned around politely and sneezed... unfortunately there was a breeze along with the sneeze...

"Oh my God! "
"Jesus H. Christ!"

Duff went as red as his baseball cap, while the Lil' let go of MW's neck to hold her nose and wave her hand, trying to swish the stench away.

"Sorry... must've been those canned beans... and I guess that six-pack of duff didn't help..."

"Didn't help? I smells like something died inside you and rotted!"

"Well, uh... There IS a good side in all of this..."

Lillith coughed and said "Like what" as she tried to breathe in as less as she could.

"Lookie at the sign."

MW and Lil' turned around, but instead of the previous inscriptions there were words "City Central" on the one that pointed to the left, and "Linear Lane" on the right.

"MW, what did you do with the sign?"

"Uh, you see, when Lecro was ripped apart by the angry mob, I felt like doing something very mean. That's how I got the idea to post these fabulous and informative signs in places of the previous ones. Though I didn't think Duff's wind would blow the disguise of my inventions..."

"Very funny." Duff groaned, his stomach still growling with something that shouldn't be named."

Lil' scratched her tingling nose. "So guys... uh... where do we go from here?"

[Crunchyfrog]

Shaun opened his mouth to make a suggestion when a loud 'oomph' followed by a string of bleeps and half broken words issued from the depths of the darkened alley.

"Um, guys? I think someone else just joined the party from down that direction," he said, pointing.

Lily was already darting forward, Duff and Weaver none too far behind. Shaun quickly found himself being left in their dust and hustled to keep up, wondering at the same time what kind of people darted down randomly dark and spooky alleyways. The sounds of the censored tirade grew louder until a figure suddenly seemed to pop out of the darkness.

She was tall, Shaun noticed, a good six feet and most of it in the legs, and a bit overweight. She looked rough and tumble, from the well-used black leather work boots, obviously men's, to the blue jeans that were spattered with bleach stains. She wore a long sleeved grey shirt with a red plaid flannel shirt over that. Her red hair was getting in her face as she swore yet again, hobbling forward another step. "D*** useless F***** ankle! I would have to F****** land on the d*** thing!"

The others had stopped, probably for good reason, yet Shaun reached out a hand for assistance. "Anybody know who she is?"

"You could try asking her." Lily said with a snort. Shaun flushed.

"Ah, excuse me...I realize you're an IFian but which IFian are you?"

She looked up at him, hazel eyes flashing angrily behind burgandy wire rimmed glasses. "If I told you that, I'd have to kill you."

Lily and Weaver looked at each other, uttering the same name at the same time. "Rai."

Rai looked up with a snort. "Alright, you got me. Who might you be?"

"Well...that's Lilith, that's Duffman, that's Masterweaver and I'm..." Shaun flushed, the name stuck in his throat. "I'm...McLovin'." He watched their jaws drop and braced for the snickering.

Rai glanced at Lily. "This day just keeps getting better and F***** better," she growled.

Lilith snickered. "Well, look at it this way sweetie. It isn't just you. It got Duff, Weavo, Crunchy, and I too. Oh and *gigglesnort* McLovin' over there too."

Shaun, red in the face and fully embarrassed, watched the red headed Rai look around with a puzzled expression on her face. "What?" he asked.

"Well...you said it got Crunchy too. So where is she?"

[Crunchyfrog]

The rest of the IFians looked about, realising for the first time Crunchy wasn't there.

"Crunchy!!! CRUNCHYFROG?" Shaun yelled, his voice echoing down the alleyway. There was no reply.

Lilith furrowed her eyebrows. "EVERYTHING here is desolate. She may not even be in IF any more! Come to think of it, how many people wander the streets usually?"

Lil' had a point, and Rai snickered, which told Shaun she had an idea.

"We might see if Bruno is real..." She grinned.

MW scratched his head... "But Rai, Bruno is not..."

"Just try and finish that sentence! I'll tear your head off even without my IFish dragon strength!"

Duff and Shaun were taken aback, and they slowly retreated. When their hands touched by accident they jumped like they were zapped.

"Damn, Duff! Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry... heh... McLovin!"

Shaun was, yet again, embarrassed because of the nickname he gave to himself in his half-conscious state. But Rai's fury flurry ended soon, and Lilith concluded.

"I know another IFian who might be at the Inn, perhaps he might be able to help..." she said and put a gentle smile on her face. The rest watched her, surprised to see her face change. Suddenly her daydreaming stopped and she snapped back to reality... if IF could be called reality.

Rai gave her a puzzled look. "Lil', honey, what, no, who are you talking about?".

"Uh, nothing, I just wanted to say... that... if any more IFians would pop into IF, I think they would first visit the bar!" she said, speaking the last unmuttered part with great clarity. After that she put a huge grin on her face.

"Although there's something fishy going on here, I think that's a good idea."

Rai turned to the three guys that were looking at the deep orange sky. Shaun commented how he wanted to get a tan, but unfortunately he forgot to bring any sun cream.

"Hey you three. We're going to the Inn. Any objections?"

The three musketeers looked at her in fear. That last sentence didn't give them much room or for objecting, so they just tried to put a smile and waved their heads "no".

Rai led the way as if she knew these alleyways like the bottom of her pocket, and the others followed her unquestioningly.

"Uh, Rai..." ventured Masterweaver, after a short while, "How do you know we're going the right way?"

Rai whirled round at him menacingly. "I have no F***ing idea," she snapped. But we can walk, or we can stand still for eternity. What's it to be?"

Rai gave them a questioning look and raised an eyebrow, and all was silent. MW broke the short silence and pointed at a large sign hanging from a wrought iron bracket screwed into one of the black stone walls. In bright orange letters it said simply 'The Inn'

"How about over there?" he asked.

"Indeed, in pitch dark, one has come to lead us to the light," smiled Shaun.

The lights in the Inn were lit. It was an old building, looking like the rest of the street decor, England-ish. Actually it looked like something from those fantasy novels, as Shaun concluded when he observed more closely.

They got to the Inn door, and Rai tried to slam the door open with her foot, as she always did. That ended with her hitting the door, then staying in that position and falling on her back, one leg up. The door didn't budge.

"Uh, I don't think it's open after-hours, Rai", MW said as he almost burst into laugh because of that comic scene.

Rai got up and was about ti give MW a roundhouse kick, when a clicking sound came from the door.

"Seems like someone IS here."

The door opened slowly, and they all looked at the resident. It was a boy, about six feet tall, brown hair and eyes. He wore a black t-shirt and trousers that had a belt with a strange symbol on the buckle. He also had a rag in his hand, and it was smelling like polishing cream.

"Uh, heya. What's shaking?"

"Your head if you don't let us in." Rai snapped back. She turned to the others "See, I told you Bruno was real."

"Oh, pardon my manners." the young man said and let us in. It was just as how Shaun imagined it would be. Old and comfy, with a nice mood in the well lit room.

"I got sucked here when I opened a PM with a rather funny title. More funny because I've been here for exactly seven months now."

Lil' gasped, but nobody except Shaun saw that. She covered her mouth as if she just saw a ghost. She whispered in a barely hearable tone "That was August last year. Shit..."

They looked at the young man as he started polishing the bar with the scented rag.

"Acting like a housemaid again, huh? That means you can only be..."

"Yes, I'm Cy. I suppose you two redheads are... wait. Lil'? ". He looked at the redhead, surprised to see her specifically. He looked as if he never thought he would meet her in IF in person...

"Uh, wrong redhead, chummy."

"Oh, sorry Rai!" he blushed. He then looked behind a guy he instantly knew was MW because of his robes. There he saw the gasping IF fairy who was not a fairy. He raised a hand and waved her. "Hello Lil'!"

He smiled and the redhead blushed, almost as red as her hair. When Duff asked for a duff, Cy knew who it was instantly. They shook hands and then Cy asked them all to sit on the barstools. He then tended the bar.

"You see Rai, no Bruno here. That means I can play bartender" he said almost mockingly and then showed her the tongue.

"Cy, we're in deep shit." She said. "No time to waste."

He then went to a totally serious mode. "Shoot."

"Have you seen Crunchyfrog?"

[Crunchyfrog]

"No, actually," replied Cy.

"Well, you could have missed her. She's a human now, like the rest of us--"

"I've only seen you people. Incidentally, why is Weaver in the freaky costume?"

"He thought it was a costume party," supplied Lilith.

'Look. I know you all aren't freaking out and all," McLovin interrupted, "but I'm not sucked into my computer on a daily basis. Could you tell me what is going on?"

"Clearly it's an attempt to get our attention," commented Masterweaver. "After all, what other reason plotwise could there be?"

There was a moment of silence.

There was another moment of silence.

"Plotwise?" inquired Duffman.

"The city is founded on Idearium. Even if our initial transport was accidental, we must have now gotten ourselves entangled into some story."

"Awesome! I can have super powers!" McLoven leapt off a table and tryied to fly. Fortunatly, Rai was there to break his fall.

"You said it, not me," Weaver replied.

[Crunchyfrog]

Shaun scrambled away from Rai and took a few steps back from his new companions.

"No, wait... you said it, Masterweaver..."

"Said what?"

"The single most intelligent and sensible thing I've heard since I got here..." explained Shaun, his eyes shining.

Rai and Lilith glanced at each other, Cy stifled a snicker, and Duffman belched.

Weaver struck a pose, and with a flick of his plastic handleless blade, spun the eight pointed mortarboard around on top of his head, the horn in the middle rotating on a very peculiar axis. Behind the ridiculous cloth mask, Shaun imagined the young IFian was grinning like a maniac.

Nobody said a word. Shit, thought Shaun. His credibility had already plummeted at the revelation of his chosen name McLovin'. Had he now just destroyed it completely?

"Y..yes," he continued nervously, his mouth suddenly going dry. "Weaver has made a very well observed point. That private message was an attempt to get our attention. It did that alright, and more. It got us all here. Whether that was intended or not, it must have been created for a reason."

Five pairs of eyes stared blankly at him.

"So, what reason, Sherlock?" scowled Rai, folding her arms.

"How do I know?" shrugged Shaun. "I'm the newbie around here. Who's responsible for mass mailing PM's?"

[Crunchyfrog]

"Well..." Lilith bit her lip, trying to remember who the mysterious PM had been from.

"I think it was from Key. The only other person with thast power is Crunchy." This was Cy, a slight frown on his face as he contemplated the mystery.

McLovin' didn't know much about If, but he knew enough to realise that finding one of the two would be their next task, and said as much. This provoked a flurry of debate, ending in Lilith's declaration of intent.

"If any Ifians other than us get here, they'll come to the Inn. I'll stay here. We'll need someone to tell them what's happening."

"Shouldn't that be me?" Cy again. "After all, I always stay in the bar."

"No, Cy. They'll probably assume you're Bruno."

"Bruno doesn't look like that!" This was Rai. "He looks much more - "

"Look, ladies, can we just go already?" Duff grabbed McLovin' and Cy and pulled them after him, motioning with a flick of his head for Rai to follow. The door slammed shut behind them as they exited.

Lilith sighed and sat down to wait.

*********************

There was a polite tapping on the door, ten minutes later, and when Lil opened it she was confronted with an Ifian she knew instantly. Wearing a green, red and white rugby shirt and dark jeans, the 5' 6" teenager had short brown hair and piercing blue eyes. The hand raised to knock again had several ink splotches and a slim blue watch.

"Um. Excuse me, but I seem to be lost. Could you please tell me where I am? I mean, I think I know, but - "

"Whitey, right? This is If, and more specifically, the Inn. I'm Lilith, and there are a few others roaming the streets."

The girl's eyebrows raised, and her mouth curved into a smile.

"Are you kidding me? And how did you know who I am?"

"I know who you are from your shirt. It's got a little tiger head on it, just there. And as for the rest... come in and I'll explain."

**************

When Lilith had finished explaining, Whitey sat back in her chair and frowned slightly. She had got herself a cup of tea, and absentmindedly picked up another biscuit from the plate beside her.

"So we've all been summoned to If from this PM, and we don't know he what, why, wherefore or who?"

"Pretty much. More tea?"

"Thanks."

As the kettle finished boiling, there was a tap, then a knock, then an all-out hammering on the door. Lilith looked up.

"More people. I wonder who this one is..."

[Crunchyfrog]

The door slammed open, and a somewhat frustrated-looking teen walked through. He was just a little under six feet tall, and his straight brown hair came down right above his eyebrows. The scowling teen was wearing a dark grey trenchcoat, with loose-fitting jeans and a brown t-shirt. After mumbling something about evil doors not working, he looked up and noticed Lily and The White Blacksmith.

Lily poured herself some more tea, and said, "Hi. I'm Lily, this is Whitey." She explained the situation to the newcomer, pausing every now and then to take a sip from her tea. When she had finished telling everything to him, she addressed him once more. "I don't think I caught your name. So, who are you, anyway?"

Still wearing his perpetual scowl, the teen thought for a minute, and started talking. "I think, in these circumstances, that you should call me Syranore. Does this place have any soda? I need my caffiene fix."

Lily pointed to the bar, and watched as Syranore returned with a drink, and pulled up a chair, and plopped down beside the two. "So what do we do now?", said Syranore.

Lily started to speak, but was suddenly interrupted."Well, we wait to see if any more people are coming to the Inn. So, why are you wearing a trenchcoat anyway? You kinda look like a-"

"Yeah, I know. I just like them. Got a problem?" Syranore glared at them. "I thought not. Has it ever occurred to you people that whoever brought us here might be hostile? Perhaps we should find some method of armament. Wouldn't want to encounter any...unpleasant surprises." Syranore let out a mirthless laugh, a creepy noise to the other two in the room.

Lily wondered if this was his normal state of mind, and shuddered. "In any case, we still need to wait here for any more new arrivals coming to the Inn." She shifted in her seat, and waited.

=======

A few minutes later, and Lily and Whitey were still sitting, trying to avoid looking at Syranore too much, who was searching the room for potential weapons, when the a faint knock was heard on the door.

Lily got up, and when she opened the door, she was surprised at who she saw. When she opened the door fully, the other two turned to look at who was walking in...

[Crunchyfrog]

It was shocking. They had expected a human, but instead, the creature that entered the door was a full eight feet tall. Thin, skeletal arms ended in stick-like fingers and thumbs. A strange black kilt obscured everything waist down. The ribcage was barely contained in parchment-yellow skin. The head was mostly enveloped in a spider-like mouth, but a pair of green orbs stared out in hunger above it.

"The Head Eater," whispered Lilith.

Slowly, the creature turned its gaze upon the redhead. "Yesssss. That issss who I am." The voice was quiet, subtle, precise. "The quessstion isss, who are you?"

"I... I'm Lilith."

"No," replied the creature, delicately shutting the door. "Lilith issss a fairy. You are a human."

"She was sucked into her computer," Whitey said. "We all were."

The Head Eater turned to the teenager with a quiet piercing gaze. Whitey fell silent.

"Perhapsssss. That would explain sssssome thingsss."

"Like what?" inquired Syranore.

"I will not sssay. I do not trusssst any of you yet. You have not proven that you are who you sssssay you are. And until you do, I sssshall not let you leave thissssss Inn. It isss ssssafer all around." The Head Eater slowly took a seat and fixed its gaze on the IFians.

"Well," Lilith managed, "I guess we have a new problem."