City of IF

[RocksteadyNeo]

On a dark and gloomy night the year is 3010 A.D, a little girl stands on a corner of a street in New York City. Smiling while holding the heads of her mother and that she recently killed father in her hands, she suddenly drops the heads, turns around, and says "I can hear you, I can smell the fear, and I can also see you, so come out and fight."

Out of nowhere, a person in black falls from above, landing behind the little girl and saying "You will not live to see another day you bitch." The person in black reaches down to her anckles and pulls out two throwing daggers, throwing both at the girl.

The girl jumps and dodges the daggers but before she lands the person is behind her and slices her in half with a broad sword. "Take that you little bitch," the mysterious person says.

When out of the darkness of an alley way, appears Cox dressed in a ninja outfit. Cox, with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and very muscular, says "Not another one I missed out on seeing you slice in half again Kiri."

"Unfortunally, Cox, yes another one. Why is it that tonight I have to take all of these little cunts out? Why can't they go back to where they came from?"

"I am unsure Kiri. Well are you coming? I am going to see if Baxter and Charlie can fix my tech gear. Well?"

[Kalanna Rai]

Okay Rock. I've done a little formatting work and added some punctuation. It cleans it up for an easier read. These are just suggestions, feel free to make use of them or not.

Quote: On a dark and gloomy night the year is 3010 A.D, a little girl stands on a corner of a street in New York City. Smiling while holding the heads of her mother and that she recently killed father in her hands, she suddenly drops the heads, turns around, and says "I can hear you, I can smell the fear, and I can also see you, so come out and fight."

Out of nowhere, a person in black falls from above, landing behind the little girl and saying "You will not live to see another day you bitch." The person in black reaches down to her anckles and pulls out two throwing daggers, throwing both at the girl.

The girl jumps and dodges the daggers but before she lands the person is behind her and slices her in half with a broad sword. "Take that you little bitch," the mysterious person says.

When out of the darkness of an alley way, appears Cox dressed in a ninja outfit. Cox, with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and very muscular, says "Not another one I missed out on seeing you slice in half again Kiri."

"Unfortunally, Cox, yes another one. Why is it that tonight I have to take all of these little cunts out? Why can't they go back to where they came from?"

"I am unsure Kiri. Well are you coming? I am going to see if Baxter and Charlie can fix my tech gear. Well?"

These are minimal fixes and changes Rock. I'd suggest you add some more descriptive text for atmosphere and you'll want a language warning at the top of your post due to some of your more profane words. Also, the tense seems a little skewed.

Also, I broke things into small paragraphs depending on who the description focused on and who was talking. Adding an extra return in between paragraphs really helps your readers...otherwise it's all one big block of text.

[Chinaren]

Welcome to IF Rocks!

I've read your little introduction, and I have to say it needs some work. A few pointers:

New speakers should start on new lines.

You need to split the paragraphs up.

You need to edit it for punctuation.

The grammar needs to be tidied up.

The spelling needs a good overhaul.

More description!

Take it slow. This is very rushed. Had I done the same, it would have been at least a thousand words.

I write my tales in Word (or Open Office/Star office). That way the WP picks up on my more obvious spelling mistakes. Once I've done that, I copy and paste it into IF, I strongly recommend you do the same.

Read some of the more mature stories on the site to get an idea of the format. (I recommend mine ;) Just click on a picture in my sig).

There are more tips at the top of this forum, and in the Technical Institute. I'd have a read of them.

If this seems like a lot to work on, don't worry! We've all been through a learning curve here.

Keep writing!

:cool:

[Edit] I didn't see Rai's post at the top, but she's split things up for you at least, so you can see what it should look like in that department anyway.