City of IF

[Christalnightshade]

Look I've been working on a book for the past four years of my life and I had to start it over, what you think of the beginning? I know I posted a short part of it, but its just so it doesn't take long for you to read it.

The room was shrouded in darkness. In the corner of the room was a cradle with pink muslins. The baby girl in the crib had her eyes shut and in a deep restful sleep.

The baby opened her eyes; her eyes reflected a person staring over her; black hair hung over his face hiding his features, glowing sharp blue eyes in the darkness. "I'm taking you home"

The baby replied with a small cry, "Waa…grrr" drool came down the corner of her mouth.

"Come Samantha" The black gloved hands of the man picked up the baby with care. As quite as possible he walked out with the baby cradled in his arms. A black stagecoach was waiting at the front of the shabby house made out of bricks.

A woman wearing a casual red dress hurried out, "Is the mother still asleep in the house?" Pyre nodded assuring Merniva.

She looked at the baby in his arms, "You done well Pyre Bane. This little princess is going back to her real empire, she has lived long enough in this dirty old house"

Pyre looked at Merniva and handed the baby over to her. Suddenly a scream came from the house. The mother had awoken to find her baby wasn't in her crib.

Quickly Pyre and Merniva climbed into the stagecoach and moved away from the brown house.

The mother ran out of the house seeing the carriage driving away, she ran after it, but couldn't keep up. She cried, "Come back she is my baby!"

Neither the stagecoach nor the driver tried to stop for her and rode on over the bridge and onto the dusty road leading to the northern empire. The imperial palace.

The imperial palace was gigantic with the mote just as big. The stagecoach came to a stop at the end of the road. Merniva climbed out with the little bundle in her arms.

Pyre followed as fast as he could, he bent down and his body formed into a dire wolf. His fur was as black as the night and his eyes were still glowing Sea green.

The baby cried as she was passed over to an elf waiting outside the castle walls. The elf's eyes were green and he wore buffalo hide armour, he was decorated in tether like beads and had a staff strapped to his back by the looks of things he looked like an Indian mage.

He smiled at Merniva and tapped his staff once and he disappeared from sight to the castle.

Pyre and Merniva walked through the open castle door and picked up a bundle of some sort from another elf it was their reward.

Merniva took the bundle and walked off down a corridor. Pyre however went down the other end of the hall and entered a room where the king was seated at a thrown.

Pyre turned into his human form and said bowing to the king, "King Lorem, your child is back in the kingdom"

The king rose from his seat, "Have you received your reward?"

Pyre looked up and replied, "Yes, my liege"

The king had a pleasing look on his face, he proposed, "How about you work for me Pyre? You would be a great allie"

Pyre laughed, "My king, I work for you my whole life."

The king said, "How about captain of my imperial army?"

Pyre accepted, "Thank you, my liege"

[Christalnightshade]

The king gave Pyre a sign to leave. Pyre bowed one more time and converted back to his dire wolf form.

Pyre quickly rushed out the door and down the hall. He turned left to find Triston the elven mage wearing his tethered, beaded robe and carrying the baby down toward the thrown room.

Pyre turned into his human form and exclaimed, "Taking her to the thrown room are you?"

Triston replied half-heartedly, "Y-yes, and you are?"

Pyre replied, "I am Pyre Bane. The shadow...ahem…the captain of the imperial army"

Triston said, "I however don't have a title. So if you don't mind. I have to show the proof that his sire's little girl is here…"

Triston held onto the baby, "Do you think the queen should be restored?"
Pyre grinned, "Immediately, yes."

Triston said, "Now that the baby is here the queen will follow her, one day she will convince him to give her rightful thrown"

Pyre nodded, "His highness might start a war."

Triston laughed, saying, "This quest has taken a lot out of me and so has it taken a lot out of you. I can see blue rings under your eyes. One day the queen will stop living as a peasant"

Pyre departed, Pyre threw his cloak to one side and strode off to his quarters.
Triston strolled into the thrown room and the king immediately gave a gasp jumping from off his thrown; the thrown had golden markings engraved into the oak.

"Samantha is here…" The king ordered servants to take the baby for Triston's arms. The baby was placed into king Lorem's arms and he whispered, "Samantha, your mother doesn't know she is a queen. I should have never have gone as a peasant into the town, but on second thought having you as my child made me the proudest father ever. You're living the royal life now."

Triston left the room, the beads on his robe jingling as he walked out the door.

[Christalnightshade]

The baby cried and the king realised someone had to feed the baby.

Morning came and Captain Luis entered the thrown room; he wore his silver armour and he bowed to the king and said, "Sire, a child has been stolen by horse carriage. I ask you if I may order my guards to go in search of the thieves"
The king smiled, "Captain Luis there is no need to search for a missing baby. I have her in the castle."

Luis looked up and said, "Must I take her back to her mother"

The king said in a harsh tone, "No, you must bring Gloria here. Oh… since you are sixty years old you are resigned as captain, I have found someone to replace you with."

Luis frowned at a black wolf entering the thrown room. He pulled his sword out and pointed it to the dire wolf.

The king said, "I have replaced you with Pyre. The one you point your sword at"
Luis nodded, "Yes, sire. I shall take my leave. It is a pleasure meeting you Pyre. If my king wants to replace me with a dog… Gah! Bye" and Luis walked off

The shaggy, black dire wolf reformed back to his human form. Pyre was handsome for a human shape shifter; usually shape shifters had purple tint to their skin, but he had tanned skin. His face was in good proportion and there wasn't a flaw you could see.

The king scared Pyre, "You, Pyre. Go and find Gloria and bring her here. You may take one of the stable horses as your own"

Pyre nodded and dashed out the room, his cloak dragging behind him and his daggers strapped to his belt swaying as he ran.

Luis watched Pyre from the barracks; where soldiers are trained. Pyre ran to the stables and grabbed a black steed. Luis clutched his sword tighter that made his hands ache. That was his horse. It was bound to happen that one day he would be ordered to take his belongings and live in town.

Pyre mounted the black steed and rode over the drawbridge.

The trees passed Pyre as quick as the horse galloped. Pyre pulled on the rains of the steed making him take a turn down a rocky road.

Foam covered the corners of the horses muzzle, it happens when a horse enjoys the riding, but mostly it was because the metallic object in his mouth obstructed his mouth from closing.

Pyre's hair flew wildly behind him as he closed in on the shabby looking house on the corner of the road.

He pulled to a stop; the horse whinnied and stomped around on the ground.

Pyre dismounted and knocked on the door.

A voice came from the house, her voice was distressing, "W-who is there?"

Pyre replied casually, "It the captain malady"

She opened the door to look at his face, but shut it as quick as she could. Pyre shoved his foot in the way and said, "I am the new captain. The old one has been resigned. I'm here to bring you to the castle. Your baby is there."

She slowly opened the door and walked around in her house, she went down the corridor and said, "My baby can't be at the castle and I can't leave this house."

Pyre implored her to come, "Malady please. Your child's father is the king, he has your child."

The mother looked at Pyre and shouted, "Why did he tell me!"

Pyre was puzzled, "I thought you knew he was king."

She looked at Pyre once again and entered her room. She then bent down to pick up a bundle from a crib. "I can't come. My baby boy…"

Pyre nodded, "You need not say anymore, malady. You will always be our queen"

She smiled and said, "Call me Gloria, please."

Pyre turned around, mounted the horse and left the little house.

He came up to the black walled castle, its walls weren't cleaned in a while and the drawbridge was as well built as ever, the chains however had a bit of rust on them. In about a few years the chains would cease to work correctly.

Pyre brought the horse to a standstill at the stalls; the stalls were made out of wood. Pyre dismounted the horse, took off the rains and mount and put the stallion back into his stall with the number one on it.

Pyre looked at the stairs leading into the castle. He moved as quick as he can on the rock-paved road. He walked up the stairs and entered the castle only to find Luis staring at him in the hall.

Luis took off his silver breastplate, walked up to Pyre and shoved it into his chest, "A captain should never be out of uniform."

Pyre took hold of the armour and said, "I like my clothing…"

Luis said, "A captain should never disagree with the king, nor have an incomplete quest."

Pyre was frustrated, "Look, I don't want this. I couldn't complete the quest because the queen does not want to come to the castle."

Luis was surprised by the sudden anger and replied, "I will not stand in the way of your duties. I however have to train you for the post as captain."

Pyre said, "I never wanted this job, if I hadn't accepted I would have insulted the king."

Luis nodded, "Well now you just have to live with being a shadow shape-thief and a captain."

Pyre was taken aback, how did Luis know he was a shadow thief.

Luis laughed, "I know you are one. You are the one that ordered the capture of Samantha."

Pyre spat back, "You dare not tell the king I'm a shadow thief or he'll have my head."

Luis said, "I shall take no pride in killing someone. Even if it’s a shadow thief"

[Christalnightshade]

Pyre headed off to the thrown room, carrying the breastplate in his hands.

Entering the thrown room he bowed and said, "Sire, Gloria does not want to come"

The king stood up from his thrown, "Is there no way that she'll come here?"

Pyre nodded, "It doesn't look like she is going to come, sire"

The king spoke to a servant and then said to Pyre, "I here by send you to watch over Gloria. You should go in your dire wolf form."

Pyre wanted to object, but could not do so in risk of losing his post and the trust of the king, "I shall do my best"

The light diminished and nighttime came. The full moon was out and the stars shone bright on the small town of Lorem and Halo hill.

Pyre dashed off to the house on the corner of the road in his wolf form and scratched at the door.

Gloria reluctantly opened the door, but seeing a wolf she froze, "Nice wolf"

Pyre bowed at her feet and crawled closer. Gloria patted his head and said, "Your tame aren't you. Where is your master?"

Pyre dashed into the house and jumped onto the closest chair, turning around and looking at Gloria.

Gloria closed the door and went into another room. She looked at the baby in the crib and said, "Sweet dreams, Jea"
---
15 years passed and the two twins grew up without ever knowing each other. Jea however lived a farmer's life and Samantha a royal one.

Jea had his pet dire wolf and Samantha had the luxury. Many had changed during fifteen years. The harvesting went better during the summers and the farmers were paid well.

That wraps it up for the beginning of the story please tell me what you think. I already fixed the errors on my computer, but couldn't edit the posts. So yea.

[Christalnightshade]

Chapter 1: My home is somewhere

The bard, Rupert was standing in front of a crowd, his brown long hair hung to his knees and he shouted, "It was fifteen years that passed since the war against draconian colony. Fourteen years ago bandits had raided the castle and killed the well-known king Lorem. Luis had become an advisor and stood by the side of any king."

He bent down and smiled at a girl and continued, "A year later Halo hill had a new crowned king, Lucifer. Naturally the kingdom now belonged to Lucifer, but all was not well."

He raised his hands, "Taxes were raised and farmers weren't paid if there was one flaw on the food. A war had started between the northern forests filled with dragons."

He raised his voice, "And now the princess is in constant fear of her uncle Lucifer. He sent her to the highest tower and the maids do everything for her."

He whispered, "Underground rebellions were formed and the draconian colonies grew to such an extent that they are currently posing a threat to human life."
One person in the crowd asked, "What are draconians?"

Rupert replied, "A draconian is dragon minions, the draconian law states that if a human were to step on their land that they will be kept prisoner."
One man asked, "How do you know of all this?"

Rupert shouted, "I was the king's bard, bards need stories to sing a song, but I give up I can't make one song without thinking of these high taxes and the new ruler of our land"

Guards arrived and they grabbed hold of Rupert on top of a wooden box and one guard said, "Causing commotion are you" They dragged Rupert away and what all the citizens could do was just watch.

Between crowds was a girl cloaked and hooded, she was relieved that the guards didn't notice her. She turned around and walked over to her white mare. She mounted her horse and rode off.

It wasn't long ago that she had left the palace, her uncle Lucifer was beginning to scare her.

A snake was in the road and the horse whinnied, running faster than before.

She pulled on the rains and the horse came to a sudden stop. She said, "Relax girl it was only a garden snake."

She could hear hooves of horses running toward her. She looked behind her only to see guards chasing after her.

She thought, 'Ok, relax Samantha. No one is going to find you. They are just going to pass by you"

She waited a few seconds and the guards galloped by her. Samantha was relieved, this time she was going to get away from this royal life of hers.

Noon came and Samantha came to a little inn called, 'The two headed horse inn'. It was homey and comfortable to sit at the chairs near the bar.

She asked the bartender, "Water please"

The bartender nodded, threw water into a glass and passed it to her.

A man walked up to Samantha and said, "Now what is a girl like you doing at a bar like this?"

His smile was yellow and his eyes wondered around her body.

Samantha calmly said, "Sir, please leave me alone…"

He looked at the bartender and said, "Get this girl a beer."

The bartender poured a drink and gave it to Samantha. She looked at the drink, it was bubbling with foam. The man next her came closer to her. She impulsively threw the drink into his eyes and ran out the inn. She jumped onto the saddle of her horse and galloped off.

She stopped at a temple tied her horse to a wooden pole and entered the temple.

She passed a group that was fighting and walked up to the statue in the middle of the room, put her hands together and sat down to pray, with her hood still up.

She listened to the fight, "What are you saying that dragons are bad"

The tallest man said, "No, I didn't insinuate that. You as a dragon master should know that dragons have a temper"

The dragon master said, "Well, when dragons are threatened they naturally have a temper, or ells they wouldn't survive"

Samantha stood up from the floor and a priest dressed in a brown robe walked up to her.

He said, "Don't listen to them. They have been fighting here since the morning."

Samantha asked, "Father, Does a princess have to be one?"

The priest said, "On my opinion if they don't want to be one then they don't have to be."

Samantha smiled, "Thank you…"

The priest gasped, "Your Samantha!"

Samantha clasped her hand over his mouth and said, "Please father don't tell anyone. I want to run away. I don't like this life. Living day in and day out in that high tower. The maids helped me escape"

[Chinaren]

Not sure about others, but I think it's in the wrong forum Crady. This should be in linear.

I haven't managed to get around to reading it in any detail I'm afraid, but as I skimmed, this jumped out at me:

Quote: She pulled on the rains and the horse came to a sudden stop. She said, "Relax girl it was only a garden snake."

She could hear hooves of horses running toward her. She looked behind her only to see guards chasing after her.

She thought, 'Ok, relax Samantha. No one is going to find you. They are just going to pass by you"

She waited a few seconds and the guards galloped by her. Samantha was relieved,

That's 5 out of 7 sentences starting with 'she', one other starting with her name, and the last one shouldn't really be the start of sentence but a continuation of the one before.

I've noticed this in other tales too, not just yours, and I have to be careful not to do this in my own writing. So you're far and away not the only one who does this, but this part is a bit of an extreme example. Try and re-arrange the sentence structure, maybe merge some of the shorter sentences or use something other than 'she' or her name.

The only other piece of advice I'd give to you just now is to try and stop telling and start showing. It's a hackneyed bit of advice I know, but it's still valid.

eg: She looked back and saw the guards chasing her.

That's telling. Perhaps:

There was a harsh shout from behind her, and several bulky armor covered figures emerged from a side-street. The City Militia!

Watch your contractions as well:

She is my mother. This isn't really what people say. It's usually:
She's my mother.

There seems to be quite a few areas where punctuation seems a bit distressed.


So. My advice? Stop writing it, and go back over what you've done and re-write it without so much 'telling'. You'll be amazed, when you re-read, how much you think you can improve it.

Don't let this put you off though. Keep working on it. Whenever I go over something I wrote some time ago, I tut and shake my head at such feeble wording, so it's an ongoing process!

[Christalnightshade]

As much as I've tried editing the posts. I can't. I know that part there was a but weird. Humm... let me see. I wasn't sure where to put it. I'm not good at putting two sentances together. I'll see what I can do to improve this. It's kinda funny. Umm.. Yea. Unfortunatly It's hard for me to see in my own writing what is wrong.
It takes me time to see that the story has gone off the deep end.

[Christalnightshade]

Pulling on the rains the horse came to a sudden stop. She said, "Relax girl it was only a garden snake."

Hearing horses hooves, she looked behind her to see bulky guards chasing after her.

Thinking she tried to get her composure, 'Ok, relax Samantha. No one is going to find you. They are just going to pass by you"

Waiting a few seconds she watched the guards gallop by her. Relieved this time She was going to get away from this royal life of hers.
(here you go)

[Christalnightshade]

Or even better --Pulling on the rains the horse came to a sudden stop. The mare was out of breath and distraught, "Relax girl it was only a garden snake."

Hearing a rash shout and horses hooves, she looked behind her to see several bulky armoured guards on horses chasing after her.

Thinking she tried to gain her composure, 'Ok, relax Samantha. No one is going to find you. They are just going to pass by you"

[Christalnightshade]

Gloria reluctantly opened the door, but seeing a wolf she froze, "Nice wolf"

Pyre bowed at her feet and crawled closer. Gloria patted his head and said, "Your tame aren't you. Where is your master?" What am I to do with this?

[Christalnightshade]

Front cover, weird huh?

[solus.serpen]

Christalnightshade wrote: Humm... let me see. I wasn't sure where to put it.
I haven't go much time - but I believe it should be in Linear. Definitely not the OF anyway. :?

~Solus