City of IF

[Christalnightshade]

I know it's not a good idea having another story to work with, but I'm making this becuase I'm going to have to keep myself busy while I and Traveller work on Arthur. Hope you enjoy this short prologue. I'll be taking my time making the chapters of this short story.

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I’m a feather in the wind watch how I soar. Not that there was any wind in the shrouded space. Majestically my spaceship turned with bright blue colors trailing after. I am like a spaceship, built to kill and part of the Reapermothership I call my home. These are my feelings, cold, heartless and assasin. My name is Caroline Pentagon and I’m human.

Women weren't usually made to go on a quest, but only two of us were privileged enough to do so. Adisa always lived up to her meaning of her name; the one will teach us, she was talking through the intercom.

"It’s the year 2082. The Reapermothership is part of the alliance called the P.O.L.E; Public Outer-limits Law Enforcement. The alliance has been in the world for over 25 years. It was created when the scientists had discovered a new planet just outside our solar system, with atmosphere much too similar to our own planet Earth. This planet had life on it, either good or bad. We called it Bathos, meaning deep, deep into space. "

"And what does the alliance look like you ask new subordinates? It has blue stripes on the steam-lined ship, The 'Reaper'. It is huge weighing in 24 tons and can take up to 600 litres of oil. It rarely goes into outerspace and is stationed at Earth"

"As we stand at the threshold of a new century, never has the need for an understanding of the complexity of our planet been greater. We look at the way in which human beings have used and adapted the environment to their own ends and at the pressures on the Earth's resources caused by a growing world population. "

"Our world has changed into an iron place. High roofed houses were made and appliances and doors were consistent machinery. Tough only the people who changed this world so much left a few marshes and meadows. Weightless areas were created where those who want to train for the alliance protected citizens from any creatures coming from the planet Bathos."

"Were there ever a war between the planet Bathos and Earth, yes. The creatures living on the planet Bathos were called Bathonians. It was long ago that one of the Bathonian’s army struck earth with only fifty soldiers trying to capture humans. They had two horns growing out of their skull; a demon’s horns and they were scaly like reptiles. Our Lord had outdone himself with the creation of Bathonians."

"They were agile, intelligent and quick on their feet. They were nasty creatures, no mercy was shown to our people…"

Turning down the intercom just a bit to hear the roar of the ships engine as I raced toward earth. Hearing Adisa's voice shout through the intercom, "I know your tired of knowing the past of the bathonians, but turn the com's sound back up! Don't act like you didn't see me in the computer screen. I'm your superior officer!"

[Traveller]

Hey Shade...nice start...a few little things though...

...k...I'm not really sure how to do a quote out of your post properly so I will just set it seperate...

Shade wrote:

The world has changed into an iron place, flat roofed houses and inside was made out of technology. Weightless areas were created where those who want to train for the alliance protected citizens from any creatures coming from the planet Bathos.

end quote

This is really awkward...why were the rooves flat?, and what sort of "technology" was inside?...not sure, but I don't think "The inside was made out of technology" really makes sense...maybe someone will disagree with me but I think it would be preferable to describe the technology rather than lump it into one thing as "technology"

Sorry to do this out of order, but I'm going to go backwards for a moment...In your openning pgh...I really like this...for the most part this is the best thing I've seen you write (I haven't seen much, but I really like the description in here). One small thing, it should be "THESE" are my feelings...not THIS. Small thing to fix in an otherwise excellent paragraph.

My only other thing to say is I would like to see you try to pad this out with more description. Let me know, in detail, about the ship, the planet, the Bathonians, heck, even what our Earth is like now. I'm sure you have plans to describe alot of that later in your story, I was just using them as examples. But description can be your friend...it helps to drag the reader into the story by painting a very vivid picture of the scene in their heads...

I would like to see you edit this and add some more description. That will help the "Technology" issue from the third pgh as well. You have a very good start here Shade and I look forward to seeing where you can take it...good luck and I would be happy to help you some more if you want...you know you can always PM me...

-T.

[Christalnightshade]

I thought no one would ever reply to this one. Don't worry. I actually meant by flat roofed houses, something ells was sopposed to come there. Wow I feel stupid, but I'll discribe everything better in the next chapter. Thanks. Will edit the prologue then. *sighs* Sometimes I don't know where discription should be, so thank you for pointing it out to me.

[Christalnightshade]

I edited as much as I can and changed much of the prologue. Hope you enjoy.

[Traveller]

Good job Shade...nic edits...a few typos and a couple of clunky bits...but much better...keep it up!