City of IF

[NecessaryEvil]

There's alot of work that I need to do on this still, but I would like some of your input, like if it would be something that you would read, or if I'm just wasting time. I already know it's kind of hurried and jumps alot, but it'd be much appreciated if you could point them out. Thanks for your time. ^_^






Nitram’s sky was a blanket of darkness. The moon and stars stay concealed behind thick black clouds that meandered across the sky in an unusual fashion. A small breeze guided the clouds across the night’s sky as it gently nudged the leaves on the various trees lining the kingdom of Nitram. The breeze brought with it the promise of rain as well a hint of danger that settled across the land in a chill.

Feeling self-righteous the small wind grew stronger ruffling the leaves violently. It beat against the trunks of the trees who had the misfortune of being tall enough to feel its wrath. One of the tallest and perhaps one of the oldest trees stood strong against the force. As if this angered the wind, it began to build more strength.

The stronger current of air howled barreled its way towards the ancient Oak tree’s massive trunk. Hitting the tree with as great a force as it could. Smaller, fragile trees appeased the wind by groaning and creaking before its might. Some breaking branches and others splitting and collapsing on the ground.

The wind called upon the clouds to bring rain. The call was answered with fat drops of water falling from the sky. Having unleashed the rain the wind bonded with it creating a storm.

With both forces at work even the mighty Oak tree submitted. A low and mournful snap mixed with the howling wind and vicious rain. Nature’s fury continued to beat down the land as if trying to make its dominance clear.

Feeling satisfied the wind died out as did the rain. Left at the base of the ravaged Oak was a massive thick branch that fell across the roadway in a sad manner, as if an epic battle had been fought and lost.



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“Heave, ho lads. We’re to get this roadway open before the day’s.”

Grunting with effort the two soldiers lifted a large piece of the now cut Oak branch. Their efforts were rewarded. The significantly large chunk of the branch was suspended high enough off of the ground to be carried.

But the mass of this section of the tree began to work against the elder soldier. Slowly his left foot began to slide in the mud. Gritting his teeth he worked against the inevitable. His foot came to be at a position where the slightest movement would cause him to fall.

At times like these even the smallest mistake could get someone seriously hurt. Knowing full and well the younger solider, Murtaj, was oblivious to his predicament he called out.

“I’m about to fall, let ’er drop!” Simultaneously the men let go of the log.

With the weight gone it threw the older soldier’s equilibrium off. Letting out a short yell he fell to the ground. While laughing at his friend’s misfortune Murtaj offered him a callused hand.

“That’s a good look for ya Rajnik” The fallen solider, Rajnik, grabbed the other’s hand. Smirking he jerked and pulled him into the mud as well. Taking his turn at a laugh Rajnik fully enjoyed the sight of his friend.

“I’m flattered you want to be so much like me, but perfection like this is hard to come by.” With a wink Rajnik pushed himself from the ground. Sliding a bit and then standing unsteadily he came face to face with the Noryin. Startled, Rajnik took a step backwards. Having seen the commanding officer in advance Murtaj came as gracefully to his feet as he could manage in the mud.

“If ya’ll are a wantin’ to play around you’ll be better off back in the town.” Noryin hissed, his serious gray eyes making contact with each of the men in turn. The soldiers seemed to shrink beneath his gaze. Pleased with their reactions he continued.
“But so help me, if we’re out here more than we have to because of you children I’ll string you both up by your tumbs!”

Giving them one more dangerous glare he turned on his heel. That was the wrong move to make. This foot slid out from under him. In a split second he was on his back looking at the sky. Stifling their laugher the two soldiers stood at attention.

Noryin’s face turned a fiery red as he rose to his feet. His arms were like claws held out before him as he approached the two soldiers.

“We’ve a rider!” Murtaj felt a tide of relief as he spotted a horse and a man coming from the northern road.

Doing is best to brush off any mud Noryin stepped ahead of the other two to address the newcomer. When the rider came with-in ear shot Noryin began to speak.

“Sorry traveler, but you’ll have to turn around and take the long way. The storm last night has this road blocked and well, I’ve been given a couple of idiots to work with. It may be a while.”

The rider gave Noryin no indication that he had been heard. Noryin repeated himself.

“You’ll have to turn around.” By this time it was clear to Noryin that he was being ignored. A hot head like himself didn’t stand for those sorts of things. Noryin took a defensive position before the road. Following his lead Murtaj and Rajnik did the same making a small human blockade in the road. Just as Noryin began to reach for the hilt of his sword the rider came up a few feet away from them.

Noryin tried in vain to make eye contact with the rider. But pulled about the rider’s head was a hood. Where his face should have been there was an impenetrable darkness. Even the morning’s early rays did nothing to break the gloomy atmosphere that hung around the rider. It is possible that the atmosphere was set there due to the fact that the rider’s horse, his clothes and cape seemed to be the same death black shade.

With one quick fluid movement the rider was off of his horse and a blade was held before him. Silver and gold wrapped around one another on the blade almost blinding the soldiers with its reflection. Before any other weapons could be unsheathed the rider stepped forward, almost as if it were flying and thrust his blade deep into the gullet of Noryin.

Noryin’s face issued shock as he was guided down to the ground by the blade of the rider. The rider flung his sword out to the side sending a trail of blood through the air. Murtaj and Rajnik stood open-mouthed at the sight that they had witnessed.

The rider’s attention was still on the body that lay before him. Slowly his cowl turned and faced the two still standing before him. Just as swiftly as before he moved to them. Coming to the side of Murtaj the rider spoke to him in a raspy voice.

“Tell your king that Merciful Death has come.” Having no trouble in the mud the rider walked back to his horse. No sooner had the rider touched the reins of his horse did the two soldiers run in the direction of the town. Falling and rolling they were sure to deliver the message.

The rider did not even cast a glance back at the dead man laying in the road. A small spring breeze tickled the grass and the leaves of the trees as the rider turned his back going up the same road that he had come down.

[Chinaren]

A promising start Neevil. Some places that could do with a little tightening up, but I don't have time for an in depth crit atm.

Welcome to the city! I suggest putting a link to your story in your sig and then playing some other people's Sgames, to spread your name about!

[DeadManWalking]

This seems somewhat cliche.

Although I probably shouldn't say anything about that, being somewhat clicheish myself.

But just out of curiosity (wow, that's a phrase I use way too much) why did you choose for the blade to go down his gullet?

Most of the time, it goes through the stomach.

Or if the rider was going for the throat anyways, why not just cut off his head?

I mean, it just seems sorta... idk, messy to stick a sword down someone's throat.

It's just so much quicker to pierce his heart. Or his eye. Or just cut off his head.

so why gullet?

[/random rant]

[Adalia]

Well, I noticed the lack of commas in places that could certainly use the help.

And...

NecessaryEvil wrote: “Heave, ho lads. We’re to get this roadway open before the day’s.”

end?

NecessaryEvil wrote: "...I’ll string you both up by your tumbs!”
thumbs :D

Anyways, it's good, keep it going.

[Traveller]

I really enjoyed your opening paragragh, Neevil (and I enjoyed this nickname for you too...let it be so) There is some flow problems and some sentence structure things I am not going to go into but the promise is there.

The rest of it, while a little cliche, was good. You set the scene well and made me want to find out why Merciful Death wants the King so bad...looking forward to some more.

Oh..and as for a title...what about Merciful Death. It has a nice ring to it...maybe it doesn't fit with your thoughts but it is just a suggestion...T.

[Smee]

Hey Nessy (my preferred nickname ;) )

I've written a full crit for you in the appropriate forum. Hope it helps.

But I do like this start and would like to see it continued.

Happy Writing :)

[Chinaren]

Nessy. Pfft. Sounds like some sort of large, mythical loch thing. 99.5% of all NecessaryEvil's prefer Neevil. It's a well known fact.

:off:

[NecessaryEvil]

I'm not exactly sure why I chose the gullet. I admit, alot of the story makes no sense what ever. I was rushing through it. Thank all of you for helping me though.
Now I have a very good idea about what needs changing. I think that the next few things that I post will be far better than this. Or so I hope. ^_~

[shy_blu_eyes]

I think you're off to a good start. I am a bit confused, you've got me attached to the two soldiers, but they seem like minor characters that we won't see again. You should consider keeping them in as a minor subplot running parallel (I can not spell that word right to save my life!) to the main story. As for the gullet thing, I felt like it was a good choice as it conjured the disturbing image of a sword thust into an open mouth and protruding from the back of the neck, holding the corpse in a standing position...Graphic, but it certainly makes "Merciful Death" feel that much more supernatural and disturbing.

[Tipico]

i like it its better than my attempt anyway.