City of IF

[sparta12]

This is an old story I wanted to write from a while ago that I'm reviving. It's a comedy so I hope I can give you guys a few laughs.

Warning: The following chapter involves explicit language and some violence.


Why should the good guys have all the fun?
Chapter I: Handy Work

Blood dripped onto the marble floor as it stood there defensively in front of its group of friends, growling at the Armed Henchmen that surrounded him and his long-time companions. A man holding an H&K-416 Assault Carbine, wearing full tactical gear lay dead in front of the dog. The rifle was still being held in the corpse’s hands which rested on the black chest webbing and Dragon Skin armour. The man’s vocal chords had been ripped out and lay a few metres away. The canine had thrown it across the room. The only thing on the brown-skinned animal was a blue collar with a blood covered tag that had a single “S” written on it.
‘You know, I never figured the Scooby Doo gang would turn into a group of ruthless Mercenaries. I’ll give you one thing though.” A man stood roughly ten metres away from the group of former bright-eyed mystery-solving go getters that had turned into a handful of highly trained Mercs hired by whoever would be the most amount of zeroes next to a one in front of them. The tall, figure with a black goatee, stylish black hair was wearing a casual green shirt with “Death Cab For Cutie” written on it, but over that he was wearing a Dragon Skin vest that covered the writing.
‘I didnt think you would make is pass the security systems... Especially the pendulum part with Linoleum Knives flying at you,’ He said chuckled as he examined his P226 that he held in his right-hand.
‘Well, maybe you shouldnt judge a book by its cover Warren,’ Fred chuckled as he wiped some blood off of his famous blue neckerchief. Suddenly Warren fired a forty calibre hollow-point round that hit Scooby Doo in between his eyes, tore through his body and hit Velma – the member of the group who wore the least amount of protective gear – in the shin. Warren’s face had turned red, he held his pistol above his head, sideways and pointed it towards Fred
‘Maybe you shouldn't judge a book by its cover- What are you fucking twelve? Think the next time you go to use a lame one-liner Fred!’ Warren warmed him as Daphne started wrapping a splint around Velma’s leg.
‘You fucking maniac!’ Fred exclaimed, tensing up and reaching for his side-arm thus causing the surrounding henchmen to tighten their perimeter. Warren’s red, frustrated face relaxed and a wicked grin appeared on his face
‘You’re too kind.’ He replied while playing with his side-arm before putting it by his side
‘Put down your weapons and I wont hurt any of you... Fred... Come with me for a moment. I would like to show you something,’ Warren offered as he holstered his weapon as a sign of trust to the tired, injured Soldiers of Fortune. The rag-tag group looked at each other to decide what they would do next but no one spoke. They all just looked into each other’s eyes, observed their body language and remained still for what seemed like a long time before Shaggy placed his M240G Automatic Machine Gun on the ground and spat out his Marijuana joint that was now almost nothing but hot ash. The rest of the group followed and Fred walked away from his group until he was only two metres away from his intended target when Warren put his hand up to tell him to stop.
‘Do you think you’re the first bunch of rag-tag idiots who have tried to kill me? You’re looking at the guy who killed off the super friends using a tube of tooth-paste and an M-Eighty Firecracker... Get rid of your knives,’ he instructed Fred as he aimed his Pistol at his foe’s teeth. The Blonde haired man pulled out a K-Bar that he chucked on the ground, scratching the Marble Floor, thus causing Warren to grit his teeth and flinch in annoyance. However instead of executing the man who was hired to kill him he holstered his weapon, placed his arm around Fred’s shoulder and walked through a six inch, bullet proof sliding door when he clicked his fingers. The doors shut behind him and all that could be heard was a brief rattle of gunfire before everything was silent.
‘Someone get the janitor before the blood stains... What a mess.’ A henchmen could be heard shouting from behind the door. Fred did not know how to react to this sudden change in event
‘Hey... I did say I wouldn't kill them.’ Warren joked as he got a few steps ahead of his assailant. The super-villain opened a combination-locked, titanium door just ahead of Fred
‘If you would.’ Warren asked politely as he aimed his pistol at the mercenary with his right hand while his left was wrapped around the door knob. The confused, broken man had a pale face, his blue eyes welled up at the loss of his friends and he looked as though he had just lost all reason to live. Upon hearing this command from Warren, he obeyed the instruction, walked through the door and into a room that was pitch black. As soon as he was one step through the door Warren locked him in, turned to his left to face another door but this one had an eye-identification system to the right of the door. This door would opened and closed using a series of cables connected to the building’s security central computer which is buried deep within the facility’s labyrinth-like structure. A red laser danced along Warren’s left eye as he held it up against the goggle-like rubber mold that sat on the wall in front of him. The tiny red stream of light then proceed to run across the bridge of his nose and then across his right eye before the house’s security system recognized him thus opening it for him. Inside this next room there was a red carpet laid out across the floor, on the right side there were six of Warren’s henchmen sat in office chairs that were lined up in front of a control-board which was right below the frame of five inches of bullet-proof glass and on the opposite side of the room was a wall filled with Television Screens that monitored the room the unfortunate mercenary was trapped in. Warren walked through the doorway while greeting his men with a friendly salute and a smile
‘Alrighty then! Lets turn on the lights!’ he instructed while clapping his hands together thus illuminating the dark room where he had Fred trapped. The room was a large and made out of concrete but there were some metal gates on the sides of the room which had a number printed on the centre in red. Warren picked up a pen, a piece of paper and wrote four numbers across the page. The super-villain stood up, placed his left hand over his eyes and his right hand held a pen at breast pocket height.

How will Fred from the Scooby Doo gang be executed?

[Smee]

Good to see you still around Sparta, :D

...but Lol! The amount of time you've been here, you should know by now that discussion comes before poll.

Where's our chance to give options?

I'll see if I get round to reading it sometime in the week.

Happy Writing :)

[DeadManWalking]

I do F5 Smee, but I voted anyway.

Gate #2 is just sooo... ingenious.

Just out of curiousity, will Warren here continue to kill heros from tv shows? cuz, if so, i suggest the teletubbies next.

[sparta12]

lol, thank you Smee. Sorry about putting all the options up instead of having a discussion but I was having way too much fun with this chapter.

Thank you DeadManWalking and as for your question about Warren killing off TV Heroes... That is for you to find out! MuahahahahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[D-Lotus]

*chuckles*

I would suggest one of those funky hallways where the scooby-doo gang is always getting chased, and where they keep running in and out of the doors, only that all of the doors open into a precipice. Then have someone chase him.

[sparta12]

lol, yeah but I think with the rest of the Scooby Doo Gang already eliminated that it would be more of a Benny Hill related joke. :P

[sparta12]

Sorry for the absence.
I'll be posting the new chapter for this (as well as my other story in the linear section) soon. I haven't been able to do any writing due to exams and other social dramas... I've also been trying to get a job.
Anyway, as I said: the new chapter will be up soon.

[Tipico]

lol this is kinda crazy...

[sparta12]

Why Should The Good Guys Have All The Fun?
Chapter 2: The joys of insanity

The Following Chapter Contains Explicit Language, Some Violence and is guaranteed to at least make you chuckle.

As Warren loosened his grip the black-felted pen slipped out and plummeted towards the piece of paper beneath it. For the handful of henchman watching the pen drop the amount of time between it leaving their leader’s grip and it smacking against the sheet seemed like an age. One of them leaned forward in anticipation of the resulting death sentence. Finally the pen slammed onto the sheet of paper, leaving a dotted mark a few centimetres away from the number two before it collapsed on its side and rolled to a stop.
‘Malfunctioning Lovy-Wuvy Robot it is!’ Warren announced to his henchmen as a couple of them traded twenty dollar bills while the rest of them opened up the gate from their computer terminals while watching Fred through the window. The man was scared out of his mind and it was clear as day as he stood in the middle of the illuminated white room. Warren scratched his chin as he examined Fred’s behaviour as the gate opened up in front of him
‘Lets make this interesting for him shall we? Private Jackson, turn the room into a maze and Corporal Gibbard... Place them in the Labyrinth and... Give Fred a ten second head-start would you?’ the villain instructed with a smile as he wrung his hands in a menacing manner. The evil-doers minion beside was quick to follow his instruction as his hands danced on the keyboard in front of him for a brief few moments before he hit the Enter Key and the floor underneath the two inhabitants of the “Punishment Room” opened up just as the robot was about to lock Fred in an over-powered embrace. This sudden drop left them falling for a couple of metres to the storey below which was an elaborate maze that had many available traps that could be deployed at the spectator’s discretion while they watched from a series of televisions connected to some surveillance cameras. The machine and the confused Blondie known as Fred were now in two separate cages on one side of the maze. There was only one way out of this maze and that was on the northern side of this elaborate grapevine of corridors
‘Heh... I love the look on their faces when they are put into these situations,’ Warren commented as he looked over at his henchmen while his right hand reached for a small red button that was just below a microphone. Once he pressed his thumb down he began to address the main player in his little slice of mid-morning entertainment


‘Okay Freddy Boy, here’s the deal! As you can see before you, you are currently trapped in a maze with what was something of my design that I made while working for a major toy industry. I call it a “Lovy-Wuvy Robot”. It’s programmed to hug but unfortunately this one has a hydraulic pressure problem. The original owner of this particular robot complained that their son’s head... Exploded... Just... Poof! Now you -you lucky little S.O.B- get to race it to the end of the maze and -just because I’m such a nice guy- you can have one P-Two-Two-Six Sig Sauer Three-Fifty-Seven Calibre Pistol with one magazine to help fend him off as you make your way through!’ The super-villain elaborated while a pistol dropped from a hole in the ceiling above Fred’s stall as he stood there somewhat confused.
‘Any Questions?’ asked Warren as all the henchmen started placing bets –and the odds were in favour of the Six Foot, White Robot that had hearts for eyes and pink fluffy robotic hands that looked as though they could crush the moon- while two others set themselves up to act as commentators for this little show. Fred caught the loaded pistol, which was a good thing too because the safety was off. The henchman who dropped it was hoping for it to go off when it hit the ground so it would go off and shoot Fred in the shin but to no avail. Still though, Fred was dazed by what was going on but managed to mutter a few words from his stiff lips
‘Will these bullets kill it?’ to which Warren roared with laughter over the microphone before saying
‘You get a ten second head start for that cute little joke.’





The Iron Gate that kept Fred locked in his metal booth suddenly lifted and the dazed, rugged mercenary was off like a cheetah on meth-amphetamines when he heard two different voices booming over the loud-speakers that seemed to be commenting on his performance thus far. He was bouncing and weaving his way through the black, concrete walls but after three turns he found himself at a dead end.
‘Oh, he better hurry up Bob because that head-start is up and the robot is out of its cage!’
‘Indeed Jimmy, that robot is chasing after him like a twenty-five year old female stalker on Valentines Day!’
‘That was scaringly detailed Bob.’
Fred pulled back the hammer on the pistol and headed back to the T Intersection. This time taking the path going off to the right but as he sprinted across the centre of the intersection he could hear a mysterious voice that sounded like James Patrick Stuart imitating a robot.
‘ I Will Treat You Correctly!'
‘Oh, Dear God!” Fred replied in horror as he rushed his way down the halls while head-checking every few corners. He could hear the loud mechanical thumps of the machine gaining closer and closer to him as he made his way through the labyrinth but for a moment Fred thought he could hear rushing water below which caused him to stop for a few seconds so he could get a sense of direction to the source of the noise. For the closer he got to the end the louder this sound became and so he started travelling towards the source of this cautiously. Of course this caution was quickly forgotten when he saw the shadow of the Lovy-Wuvy robot behind him. He spun around, and quickly fired three rounds into the metal chest of the beast which caused it to stumble back a few feet. This gave Fred enough time to turn around and start sprinting again but his plan to follow the sound of water was now out the window for the deafening roar of the Sig Sauer affected his hearing
‘I Forgive You. My Behaviour Was Irrational; Please Allow Me To Make Up For It With A Hug!”


Fred suddenly screamed in horror by this request, he tossed his head up in the air and started running blindly through the maze and... Into a bear trap.
‘Oh, I haven’t seen a man scream since Vinnie Jones assaulted that umpire!’
‘Jimmy Please, Don’t Make Me Think About That Kind Of Thing!’

However this did not stop Fred from continuing his attempt to reach the end of the maze and leave the legendary C.A.R.E. Complex. However it was only a matter of seconds before the robot was only a few feet away from Fred who immediately fired the remaining rounds at the robot in a futile attempt to escape. The Lovy-Wuvy robot thereafter picked up the amputated Fred and cuddled him so softly that he began to cry from sheer joy
‘I’ve never known this kind of care before!’
‘HYDRAULIC PRESSURE OVERLOAD!' the robot replied, its LED eyes suddenly turning red as it tightened its grip around the man’s torso. Fred’s face turned red at first as he tried to hold in the agonising pain; soon his entire chest cavity caved in and soon thereafter his head popped off his shoulders like the lid of a shaken soda bottle.
‘I haven’t seen a man explode like that since Michael Richards!’

Warren was pleased with himself as he watched the henchmen on clean-up duty throw away the remains of the Scooby Doo Gang Member into a machine that resembles a trash compacter but eventually lead to a system of conveyor belts. At each stop his body parts were ground, meshed and eventually shaped into several pieces of Sauer Kraut that were going to be shipped off to a mysterious Czechoslovakian food company. The blood-soaked men who were on clean-up duty were those who bet that Fred was going to escape with his life. The delighted Super-Villain twisted his head up to look at the ceiling in front of him, in which C.A.R.E. had been inscribed into the wall and Warren slowly recited what his family business stood for:
Catastrophic Annihilation of Random Expectations
Warren breathed in deeply as he said those words in his mind
‘Excuse me sir?’ Warren immediately spun around while somewhat irritated at this interruption but he hid it as soon as his face became visible to his Assistant, Colonel Paula Fancher -who was also the Commander of Second Division, which consisted of eleven thousand henchmen in Combat and Support Roles. Warren commanded the First Division which consisted of a full Twenty-Thousand men- who was very obedient, disciplined and was slowly developing a sense of humour albeit somewhat of a sadistic one.
‘There’s a scheduling conflict today that I came across while running across your schedu- I mean agenda,’
‘What is it Colonel?’ Warren inquired
‘Well there’s a code red meeting scheduled for the Guild of Innovative Super Villains but you’ve also scheduled to rob the Chase Manhattan Bank again.’

To Be Continued...

[sparta12]

I apologise for the delay with getting this up. When I first started writing this I had a family emergency I had to attend to and I wasn't able to really focus on this for a while. Following that I thereafter had exams but now my plate is clean and I can get back to writing on a regular basis.
Also, I have to say the name of the Super Villians organisation is all thanks to one of my brother's who helped me out at that little roadblock.