City of IF

Dragonite · Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject: No Way Out For Santa

This story contains profane language and should be read only by mature readers/players.

Read on at your own behest.

I was looking through the current and old SG's and i saw there were no Santa Story's so i decided to do one
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At the North Pole there was a hustle and a bustle to load the sled for Christmas the most important time of the year.

"No no no, you don't do it like that!!" boomed an angry voice.

When you think of Santa you think of a jolly old man with a long beard and glasses. But thats not true he actually looks like a complete failure. He has no beard just a small bit of hair. He wears the usual Red suit, His eyes are small and beady. And hes not jolly at all... he actually a real jerk. His hair was never long and white, that was lie because his hair was short (almost balding) and black.

"I.I.I'm s.s.sorry m.mr. clause" Stuttered an elf who had recently turned a screw to much.

The angry Santa walked out, scowled and shouted: "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU PEA BRAINS!! BACK TO WORK".

The elves gasped and went back to work making toys for the good children. Santa stormed to his room where he flopped on his bed and wiped his face.

"Fucking idiots" he growled and he went to sleep.

Hours later he was woken by a siren.

"WHAT THE FUCK" He screamed and he pelted out the door to be greeted by searing hot flames that was burning all the toys and Santa swore he could smell something else...

It was flesh. Burning flesh. Santa stumbled back and quickly ran to his escape pod. Then he stopped.

"This is so wrong" He said and he ran back to the other side of his room to the mini bar.

He opened it and grabbed the beer and his smokes from the bedside table. He ran back and pulled down the wing on his statue of Cupid and a secret door opened. Santa hopped in and the rocket took off sailing over the ocean.

He watched from his rocket window as the North Pole melted and sunk into the sea. Suddenly another siren went off and a light flashed: Low Fuel.

"Oh fuck no!" Santa yelled as the pod plummeted towards the ocean. He landed with a splash.

Good news and bad news: the good news is the pod was air tight so no water could get in, the bad news is that the pod was air tight so no air could get in.

How will Santa make it out alive?

Smee · Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 4316 Location: UK

This is squashed up and hard to read. Space it out more.

It has bad language, please include an appropriate warning.

You know this stuff, Dragonite. You'll get much more participation in your stories if you put more effort in.

Happy Writing. :)

NeverNeverGirl · Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 12:18 am Post subject:

I like the concept =- i sent you a PM regarding a few things.

Santa gets swallowed - pod and all by a giant whale.

keep it up (and what smee said)

Dragonite · Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 2:27 am Post subject:

This story contains profane language and should be read only by mature readers/players.

Read on at your own behest.
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Santa sunk lower and lower. He knew he was going to die so all he could do was look out the window at the fishes swimming by. He then heard a noise that sounded like a beautiful song.

He looked downwards and saw a giant whale swimming up at him.

The escape pod must have looked like a fish in the dark ocean water. As the giant mammal came closer it seemed to open its mouth. The whale was going to eat him!

Santa kicked and punched at the hard metal to try and kick the door off and swim to safety, but the door was bolted shut.

"HELP!" Santa yelled but it was no use. The elves were dead and no one knew he was here.

Suddenly he was covered in darkness and he noticed he wasn't floating anymore but he was on his side.

With the door relieved by the sudden change in pressure against and it swung open the second Santa pressed the button.

He walked out onto a sponge-like ground that was strangely pink in the dark light.

In that second he heard a yell. Down in the distance he could see the glow of a lantern

"Father!" Yelled out an unfamiliar voice.

The light became bigger and a little boy stood a couple yards away holding an old fashion lantern.

"You there", Santa said out loud, "Whats your name?"

"Its Pinocchio, Whats your name?" Said the young boy

"My name is Santa Clause" The red suited man said.

At that second a wave of water spilled in and a ship came washing in. Aboard there was a small crew: a pirate, a woman and ,for some reason, what looked like a blacksmith.

"WOULD YOU STOP EATING YOU BIG TUB OF LARD!!!??" Pinocchio yelled out

The pirate jumped from the ship and landed in front of Santa.

"Capton Jack Sparrow, At your service", said the pirate taking his hat off and bowing, "Now how do we get out?"

"Theres a back door but it ain't pretty" Pinocchio chimed in.

Santa walked to the back of the cave and had a look. There seemed to be something big here.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!!" Yelled a voice from deep inside and three figures came bounding from the darkness. There was a young boy, a duck and a dog. The boy had a strange sword that looked like a key, the duck had a staff and the dog was wearing clothes and was carrying a shield.

"Hey what are you running from?" Santa said

"HEARTLESS" Yelled the duck, the dog and the boy

"Whats a Heartless?" Santa said but his question was answered by a fat creature with a heart shape cut into his chest.

The boy turned and did a back flip getting ready to fight. The trio started attacking. The duck quacked a few strange words and lightning came out of know where striking the creature. The dog jumped in the air and squished the Heartless and the boy just did a simple swipe at the creature slicing it in half.

When it was all over and the floor was covered with wiggling body parts the trio walked up to Santa.

"Hi my names Sora" Said the boy

"Donald Duck!" Quacked the duck

"Names Goofy" Said the dog

"Well my names Santa Clause.

They started to talk and think of ways to get out of the whale.

The pirate had pulled out out a case of rum and had already opened his second bottle.

Jack grabbed a bottle and hurled to Sora.

Santa went back to his pod, pulled out the pack of cigarettes and lit one.

"Hey pass me one, you old basterd" Donald said pulling his hat off and stroking his head.

Santa pulled one out and shoved it in his beak.

"There you go, you faggot" Santa grinned showing his yellow and black encrusted teeth.

"Thanks" Donald replied lighting it and taking a drag.

The lady looked at Donalds lighter and then at Pinocchio.

"I got an idea!" She grinned.

6 minutes later they had a blazing fire that was being fueled by the rum.

"ITS NOT HOT ENOUGH!" yelled the woman from the pirate ship.

Santa runs forward and hurls Pinocchio into the blazing flames.

That second there was a lot of wind being pushed around in that mouth.

"INTO THE SHIP!" Yelled Jack Sparrow

They clambered onto the ship as a tidlewave of water came in and washed out in a anormous sneeze.

The ride was incredible. All around was water and green stuff with it.

The ride ceased and the water calmed.

"Who the hell are you woman?" Santa said turning to the woman who came up with the idea.

"Elizabeth Parelly" She said

They sailed the seas until they came to a continent that the old man remembered as america.

"Im Will Turner" Said the blacksmith stepping in front of Liz

"NOBODY ASKED YOU, YOU LITTLE WIMP!" Santa said spraying Will with spit.

What will happen next? What disney (or un-disney)character will they meet next? Send back!

NeverNeverGirl · Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 3:23 am Post subject:

Okay wow. I really love your enthusiasm... i think this story has some great elements - your obviously active imagination.. your energy transfers to the story making it a fun read..

I love that you took on what i said and followed the formatting guide - it makes all the difference in a SG.

now the not so fun stuff

1. The latter half (last half) of the story was a bit too fast - in the space of three seconds we meet 6 characters and battle a bad guy... i enjoy the characters (watch out for copyrights though ;) ) and all the personality you put in but you really could had slowed this down a bit...

2. you have Jack opening a cask of rum and suddenly everyone is drunk.. you really need to include some lines there about them drinking and chatting... setting the scene for the drunkeness...

I would have written in a line like 'Jack grabbed some cans and threw them to the others...' etc etc and stuff like that..

3. Optimum word length for a SG chapter is 1500 words. kepp that in mind.. over 2k makes it a tough slog.. under that is not enough to get anything of any real substance happening.

4. SG's work by writing a chapter with a DP... waiting for replies (i would say a minimum reply number of 5 or a wait of 5 days..) then to the poles for about the same period.. then the winning option is your next chapter. this is the formula and essential to a good SG... if you are so excited that you have to keep writing - which i understand.. then maybe consider a linear story. :D

other than those things i am actually enjoying it.. just remember do not go to far over the top - keep it humorous and light this seems to work best for you..

please feel free to pm me if you need any help or chat to me when you see me...

Ne

Traveller · Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 122 Location: Kimberley, BC

I agree with Ne...this is, BY FAR, your best effort yet...you have some very imaginative ideas here and I can't wait till Santa reaches the mainland and has to explain to regular people who he is...should be fun...

But I also agree with her other points...it is too rushed...take your time...be descriptive...it seemed to start out alright..but by the end it was a mess as if you were just trying to finish...good luck with the next chappy

as for the DP..light something on fire with the rum (possisbly Pinnochio) and smoke out the whale till he sneezes...should shoot them out of his mouth or blowhole to someplace else...

Keep at it Dragonite...you're getting there...T.

Phantomfan · Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:45 pm Post subject:

Wow. This is quite cool, Dragonite! I really like the imaginative ideas and such going into it. However, I do agree with everyone else; it is very much so rushed. It has already been said, so I'm not going to say any more about that.

As for suggestions....
I like the smoking out idea. How about if they get sneezed out, they land in a volcano and meet the guys from "journey to the Center of the Earth"?

Advarr · Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:01 pm Post subject:

The next character should be @$$ kicking master cheif from halo. That would be actually funny. Other than that I agree with everyone else. I also think you rushed it a bit during the latter half.

X.x

Keeping an Eye on This,
Varr