City of IF

[Jyoukage]

Ben coughs and clutches at his cloak as the wind tears it open, grains of sand sting his face and hands as he shouts out to his friend "Hey Jyou, how far is it to town?" After sneezing several times, Jyoukage looks at Ben and rolls his eyes "You can see just as far as me, the sign said it's only a half mile."
"But that was half an hour ago" Ben says.
As he says this an ancient stone arch slowly comes into view, marking the east entrance to Isrical. "Hey, is that a one of the golems over there?" Ben asks, pointing to a vague shape looming out of the swirling sandstorm.
"Of course it is," Jyoukage says "but what is it doing so far from the hills?" For the golems never leave their homes except to see a festival.
Ben just shakes sand out of his hair and laughs it off "Oh well, the dumb brute is probably just lost, let's see if my dad is in his shop and beg some coppers off him."
"Yeah! Maybe we could buy some sweetrolls at the inn" exclaims Jyou, but then his whiskers droop "Oh, it's my mom, I've got to go"
"See you later little one" Ben says with a smirk.
"Don't call m- owowow, not my ear, mom. I'll get you back for that, you blighter" yells the mouse over his shoulder as his mom hauls him away.

Still laughing, Benjamin walks into his dad's General Store and starts knocking sand out of his clothes and hair. "Hey, stop that, go do that outside, grab a broom while you're at it, eh" Ben's father, Felix growls.
"Love you too pop, but it's too windy out today. How's business been today?"
"Lousy, all these newfangled 'Republic' types want is to talk about how we should rebel and 'shake of the zip-ties of monarchy'. I personally think they could do with a better motto. The bastids chased out all my paying customers and convinced me to put some fliers by the register. Sleazy little bastids, they are."
"Oh come on, they're not all bad, and besides, your business is." Ben's joking tirade is interrupted by a loud thud from outside the building that seems to vibrate all through Ben's body, causing the goods in the store to jump on their shelves "What was that?"
"hmm, I don't know, lets go check it out"

"Mom, you know if I walk into your Apothecary I'll get sand all over the place" Jyoukage points out
"Yes, well, that's a price I'm willing to pay, I need your help. Walter is in there reading one of my books so don't bug him."
Jyoukage tugs the door to the Apothecary open with a might effort and steps in. Once inside the building he lowers the hood of his cloak, letting his furry ears stick up, and unwraps the cloth around his muzzle. "Hello, Walter, good book?"
"Hello, Daisuke." Walter mumbles as he holds his hand over an old leather-bound books, squinting into the sudden light and wind. "I must say, your mom is the hotness." Just then, Yuri walks in and winks. "Oh, hi Ms. Daisuke" says Walter.
"You know it's rude to call us by our last name, and don't do that, you'll traumatize the poor kid. Look at him, he's blushing bright red" says Yuri, trying to not laugh at her bashful son.
"Yeah, stop it Walter. By the way, did you see that golem just outside? What was he doing" asks Jyoukage.
Walter closes the book and frowns to himself, saying nervously, "I don't know, when I tried to talk to her she seemed overwrought. She tried to step on me. Several times."
A muffled thud comes from the other end of town, causing the herbs hanging around the shop to sway.

Ben and Felix go outside into the sandstorm to look for the source of the thud, thinking that maybe the golem Ben saw earlier had wandered closer and perhaps tripped over something.
"Holy Marduk, what the höll is that?" asks Felix in a shaking voice, staring at the large object embedded in the center of the town square in Isrical.
"I don't know dad, let's get the mayor" says Ben.
"You know that evil man won't do anything constructive about this, probably just try to run us out of town because of our superior genetics" says Felix with a sour expression on his face.
"Hey, what are you louts standing about for, it's bloody stormin' out here and the ground's jumpin' around like...oh, that explains a lot" shouts a young man as he leaves the nearby blacksmith shop. "What is it?"
"I don't know Mordecai, maybe you're master could tell us what the höll it is, it looks metallic" says Ben.

Jyoukage squeaks indignantly at Ben, "now Mr. Püskata, you know I don't like such blasphemy. Hello Mordecai."
Walter looks around and twitches, he opens and closes his fist several times before dropping flat and pressing his ear to the ground.
Jyoukage tailpokes him "What are you doing?"
"Shush, I can hear several golems coming from all sides. They're practically shouting, it seems they know what this is and they are afraid of it" says Walter

From a side street the mayor's entourage comes, six slaves carrying a sedan chair, surrounded by several bodyguards in black armor. At the same time, Mordecai's master comes out of the blacksmith shop and stares at the large rock with a slight start.
"Move aside, let me see what the fuss is all about, get out of my way. What is this all about? ...My lunch was interrupted for a Rock!? Why don't you lazy peasants just bury the damned thing and get back to work." says the mayor from atop his sedan chair.
"I'm sure that's good in theory, but golems are coming to pick it up as we speak, sir. So that it doesn't work it's way up when it rains and creates a bigger nuisance" says Yuri deferentially.
"the day I want advice from vermin will be a cold day in höll, now get off of my street and go back to your witchery, and get that hideous mutant and his son back to the store, there could be customers" Says the mayor of Isrical as he signals for his slaves to take him back to his mansion.

"Don't listen to that overblown...overblown thing" says Mordecai, clamping one meaty hand on each of his affronted friends' shoulders "he's just pissed on account of the sand in his as-owowow, not my ear. Go pick on Jyou, he's your son."
"Well kids, why don't you get inside while we figure this out" says Felix "and Ben, if a customer comes, please let Walter take care of them, he's...a much better heckler...and less likely to scare the customers."

"It looks like the prophesy has come true" says Felix
"You're right, but who will the golems choose?" says an anonymous bystander
"Oh, I hope it's not my Jyou, he's so young" Says Yuri, wringing her hands.
"We all know that this piece of Sky-Steel has to be forged into the sacred armor, otherwise we will fall to the Skrath invaders. Please, whoever is chosen, do not try to talk him out of it, the fate of the Celenae Empire will rest in his hands" says Mordecai's master.


ok, I know, cheesy cliché ending and terrible writing, now, Decision Point, who will the Golems choose to be the main character; this is the basic characteristics and personality that will shape how I write the character: (I had to do this because when I was inventing a storygame I came up with four characters that I really liked and couldn't decide between them.)

Benjamin Püskata-
Intense, driven, with an ambition to better himself and the whole human race. He has some physical mutations due to being a battleborn: he was born without eyelids, spines instead of hair, gray skin, and swirling gray eyes. He has some natural psionic ability.

Daisuke Jyoukage-
Jyou is of the Cricetid species, which are basically anthromorphic mouses, he is shy, timid, nervous, and easy to startle. He is also devout and either tries to avoid the 7 deadly sins or the Buddhist non-virtues(I'll leave that up to y'all). He has a special relationship with his god and has been known to go into prophetic raptures.

Mordecai Karkaras-
He is in the peak of physical perfection due to his job as a blacksmith's apprentice. He has no real family, instead the whole village raised him from the time he was abandoned from a trade caravan when he was a baby. Nobody knows what species he is, he looks human, but you can sense that something about him is different and just waiting to emerge. He has a keen tactical intuition that along with his aggressiveness and focus will see him to achieving whatever goals he sets.

Walter-
Scholarly but active, Walter learns very fast and has advanced pattern-recognition skills. He is curious to a fault and seeks to understand how everything works. Walter enjoys taking a new text and just heading out into the hills for a few days, living off the land and learning. He is an accomplished outdoorsman and a natural leader.

[Traveller]

Interesting premise...Will keep my eye on this...

As for the writing...you need to go back and space out the dialogue a bit better...make it less confusing...each new speaker should get its own paragraph...maybe a few more "so and so said" type things so us readers can follow who is speaking...and I would like to see some of your character descriptions work there way into the story rather than as a sub-tobic at the end...That will clear up some of the confusion...but over all a decent start...with the edits it might be good...T.

PS...I voted for Mordechi...seemed like the most interesting character

[shy_blu_eyes]

I agree, Mordecai seems more like main character material. In all honesty though, I think Daisuke seems more interesting, maybe you could alternate chapters between their PoVs? Since we had to pick ONE I voted for Mordecai.

[Tipico]

i voted Mordecai Karkaras i reckon he sounds good, also if fulfilling a prophesy is required perfectly formed abs are a must for the hero, plus lots of potential for him to develop interesting abilities,

also if he is a blacksmith then he can help to forge the super duper armor.

[Jyoukage]

so far it looks like Mordecai is going to be my main charater and Jyoukage is going to be his wingman. Also: I edited the story for readability, I hope it worked :|