City of IF

[Tipico]

hi I'm new and this will be my first ever story game so feel compelled to yell at my poor attempt at literature if you like it please comment and if you hate it please comment that way i can improve or completely change it according to your advice or demands

prologue
Introduction
whatever

Deep in the heart of a Neolithic jungle, the hot, wet, stench, of rotting detritus, filled the hunters nose. The dank, dark, steam filled the air with the stench of decay, causing his body to sweat, and his mattered hair to drip with salty perspiration. Carrying a flint spear in one hand and wiping the sweat from his brow with the other. He silently cursed whichever daemon had lead him of the path, now attempting to retrace his steps, and to find his way home, was his main priority.

As he went, a tongue of fear tickled at his heart, causing him to make foolish mistakes. His dark body shaking with the exertion of survival, his heart, pounding like the skin drums, of the forest temple. He span in terror, as a small wild pig ran squealing behind him, he breathed out
“Just a pig” he gasped aloud.
At this crucial moment as he turned to continue on his way the giant arock that had been stalking him for some time, its striped feline body tensed. It took advantage of this moment of folly, and sprung from its place of concealment. The hunter seeing this huge leopard like animal, flying towards him had no time even to think, his reflex actions kicked in all to late. The beast neatly, with one precision stroke removed his head clean from his body. His head sailed through the air, before dropping down a steep precipice. His decapitated body slumped to the floor,
As his head rolled, the arock, hungry from the hunt began to devour the still warm corpse…

Te’c-eric the afore mentioned hunter found himself in a dark cavern, a pinprick of light ahead of him.
“Well that was a great life”
He grumbled to himself. Raising his now whole body from the floor. Suddenly an enthrall whispering arose
“Name” it murmured in a deathly tone
Te’c–eric looking around and seeing no one, decided that in this situation, giving his name was hardly going to make thing worse, and thus gave it.
“I am Te’c-eric,” he proclaimed’
“What?” replied a slightly startled voice.
“I am Te’c-eric,” he repeated a little sullenly
“Are you not a little bit… well early?” Questioned the voice,
“ Its just I have you down for o whole lot of world saving, and if you’re dead how can you save the world?”
Te’c-eric considered this for some time, and then, slowly and deliberately pronouncing each syllable, carefully said
“Save the world?”
“Yes…”
‘Me?”
“Yes.” Answered the voice, now sounded thoroughly dejected. “and if you are dead what am I supposed to do? When the boss finds out it’ll be furious, I’ll probably lose my job”
“Then send me back.”
“WHAT”
“Send me back”
.................................

So what do you think? (This is not the first chapter so there is not a decision point but feel very very free to insult or compliment to your hearts content.

.................................

so what do you think? (this is not the first chapter so there is not a decision point but feel very very free to insult or compliment to your hearts content.

[Tipico]

Mystic jungle chapter one

Te’c-eric shot up gasping, his pallet drenched with sweat, his well-muscled body dripping with perspiration. Raising his hand to his neck, he traced the horrific scaring that indicated his encounter with the arock; he recalled the events of that fateful day.


Te'c-eric slipped from the raised platform on which he slept and ducked out of his palm leaf hut. Gazing out upon the village in the pre morning light he stretched a long lazy stretch, his muscles rippled, glistening with the perspirations of his dream.

Te'c-eric walked with the practiced grace of the skilled hunter he had become and frowned as he recollected his midnight thoughts, mere fragments of information remained in his mind, and he struggled to recollect the events that followed his scaring, three years ago.

He sighed, and approached the clear pool of water, on which his tribe relied. He stopped looked around, and dived into the clear expanse, his body arching, gliding, producing barely a ripple as he knifed into the water, deeper and deeper he went, pushing himself to the limit before surfacing in a shower of water, gasping like a drowned man, he laughed with the exhilaration of it.

“’You sure you ‘aint got fish blood in ya’ Te’c-eric?” came a sudden voice.

Te’c-eric turned swiftly, tensed for battle, hand reaching for the stone knife at his side.
He relaxed as he saw the old wizened shaman. The old man was decked with tattoos, beads and bones and leaned heavily on a dark hardwood staff mounted, with a strange skull.

“Ac’tall!” Te'c-eric roared, a happy glisten in his eyes” I haven’t seen you in months!”

Ac’tall grinned a gap toothed smile “ I’ve been busy. Do you know how difficult it is to find a perfect arock tooth? The dam things are near impossible to hunt, but the tooth is vital for certain rights of passage. How you manage to kill them I don’t know!”

Te’c-eric grimaced “there's a knack to it...”

Ac’tall cut in
“They like the taste of you but you eat them first”

“My point exactly” declared Te’c-eric “you don’t taste right”

Ac’tall laughed and then grew sober his grizzled beard twitching.

“Now listen lad where’s your father, I’ve got some news for him, important news…”

Noting the seriousness in the old shamans tone Te’c-eric replied swiftly

“He should be up by know, I imagine he will be stirring up the morning fire”

The Shaman nodded absently, thanked him, and explained that he would speak to him later, Te’c-eric watched the wizened old man walk the path towards the village with confusion,

“Strange” thought Te’c-eric I wonder what’s happened

“You must find out”

The whispered voice echoed in his brain, he startled, glancing from side to side.
He finished his swim, shook himself of and tied his loincloth, hearing voices was, he thought was strictly not normal.

He jogged along the well-used path, ducking the occasional overhanging vine all the time the enthrall voice echoing in his skull

“You must find out”
“You must find out”
“You must find out”
“You must find out”
“You must find out”
“You must find out”

The words forming a silent chorus in his head louder and louder until it was almost painful to hear
“Alright” he grumbled, “I’ll find out, just shut up”

“You must find out”


The voices stilled as he entered the awakening village, the people were busy, twelve huts of palm leaves, built in a circle with fires in front of them, by each fire small families gathered. The mingled smell of cooking meat filled the air. Here a baby brawled, and to the left two boys wrestled. Te’c-eric’s eyes sought out his father and the shaman

He saw his them, together in front of his fathers hut. His father, a broad, strong man tribal chief of 45 (who in his youth boasted to be able to out run an impala) saw him, and gestured for him to come over.

“Te’c-eric get over here,” shouted his farther

Moving swiftly Te’c-eric approached his father inclining his head respectfully.

“Good hunting chief of our village” greeted Te’c-eric

“Swift running son of our tribe” responded his farther with the ritual reply “Ac’tall has been talking to the chief of the brother bear tribe and brings foul news. Clan Chief mar’quis has died, and has no successor, as a result the two cousins Melam and Natiar are fighting for domination"

'What has this to do with us farther?"

"A great deal, Ac'tall believes both men to young to lead responsibly. He believes that you, as a distant cousin of Mar'quis should lead tribe brother bear, he thinks you have more of a right than either Melam or Natiar"

Tec'-eric, confused by this statement asked " why me? I have little experience as a tribal leader and am no older than the two cousins"

"Ac'tall believes, and so do I, that you are a natural leader people listen to you. I would be a fool not to notice how restless you are, something is bothering you, and if you do not wish to talk about it then you should confront it in the jungle."
Te’c-eric’s father placed a large hand on his sons’ shoulder and stated
“You are to leave in one week, time enough for us to perform the rights of passage and the ritual fasting and prayer”
...............................................................


“What do you mean?” roared a bestial voice “he died? And it took you this long to tell me? You were right to tremble I’m going to rip you soul apart I’ll gift you with exquisite pain I’ll I’ll Arghhhhh…”

"Master No! Please let me explain myself I beg of you…. It happened like this, you see…"

For the second night in a row Te’c-eric dreamed the dream and woke sweat drenched and gasping for breath, he staggered from his pallet and left the hut. The jungle was still asleep and he was wet and cold, he shivered fearfully
“What do these dreams mean?” He wondered, “What should I do?”

He thought about his dream ‘Please let me explain myself’ echoed in his mind, where had he heard that voice before?
He turned towards the village...’
...............................................

What should Te’c-eric do?

[Tipico]

well thats the first chapter up come look at the dancing freaks!

[Traveller]

Hey Tipico...welcome to the fair city...

I like your story. There are numerous grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes though and I would like to see those fixed. Also it would help if you did a little formatting...Try putting another space between spoken lines and Paragraphs...that will help the reader quite a bit.

Alot of your problems arise from a lack of proper punctuation...especially the comma...For instance...you wrote...

"Te’c-eric shot up gasping his pallet covered in sweat his well-muscled body dripping his hand to his neck tracing the horrific scaring that indicated his encounter with the arock, he recalled the events of that fateful day on this morning exactly three years ago"


It should be...

"Te'c-eric shot up gasping, his pallet covered in sweat. His well muscled body dripped as his hand traced the horrific scar, recalling that fateful day when he had encountered that arock exactly three years prior."

Or something like that...its not a very good edit but I hope you get the point...try reading it aloud to yourself...that often works for me...

Good start none the less...

As for the DP...I think he should go to the Shaman...tell him about the dreams...maybe that will be part of his manhood rites or something...looking forward to reading more...T.

[Tipico]

thanks i edited it hopefully its a bit better now

[scissorkitty]

Hi Tipico!

Nice start to an interesting SG.. I see Trav has started you off, and there's only one main problem that's really eating away at me here.

RUN ON SENTENCES!!!

holy cow, friend. You do go on. I love to talk, but i haven't enough breath in my lungs to try and speak some of your paragraphs! Try breaking them into smaller chunks. Think, "bite sized" as opposed to "pie in face, clown style".

For a DP, and this is a mistake I made myself, you want to leave the choices up to your readers. (i notice you suggest several things instead.) Post the chapter, leaving a decision to be made. Let your readers suggest courses of action, then put those into a poll. Once the poll has been voted on and decided, use that action to continue.

I would like to know more about the culture here, and about how a Tribal Leader is chosen. Perhaps there is a wise woman or someone he could discuss this with?

(EDIT: well, it's no use me giving advice if I mis-spell everything! ha!)

[Tipico]

OK i've shortened the sentence lengths, chopped of the suggestions and stuck even more comers in.

so do i pol now?

and if so the options seem to be go talk to the shaman about hid dreams

or... find someone to ask about gaining chieftainship

alternatively i could incorporate both into the next chapter.

[Tipico]

umm how do you add a poll?

[Smee]

Edit the first post... there's options at the bottom. :)

[Tipico]

thanks Smee!
......................................
polls up pleas vote so i can write another chapter, if i missed something on the poll don't hesitate to verbally kick me!

[shy_blu_eyes]

Everything critical I would have said has already been covered, so let's focus on the good stuff. I like the idea of a poltical struggle in a tribal society, an old idea in a unique setting. I also like the mystery surrounding the dream/afterlife scenes. Whoever's in charge doesn't seem very pleasent, so it makes me wonder if Te'c-eric coming back to finish what he's supposed to do is a good thing. After all, one person's idea of saving the world is another person's idea of oppression. I'll be interested to see where things go...

[Christalnightshade]

*Thwacks bob under smee* Go to the shaman. Let the shaman throw bones or use his knowledge... ^.^

[Tipico]

ok, sorry i won't be able to post another chapter till friday as i have GCSE exams all week

[Tipico]

ok back from exams, poll closed

looks like we are talking to the shaman.
chap 2 should be out ASAP

[Tipico]

Chapter 2


“What do these dreams mean?” He wondered, “What should I do?”
After deep consideration, Te’c-eric realized that in truth, there was only one option. The only member of the tribe, who knew anything about strange and twisted dreams, was his old friend Ac'tall.

Te’c-eric peered through the darkness of the grungy jungle, and found he could just make out the old shamans hut. He wiped the sleep from his weary eyes, and stumbled groggily towards the hut of his friend and mentor. As he approached the shamans hut, and workshop he saw Ac'tall crouching by the glowing embers of his fire, Ac'tall, wrapped in a blanket of alpaca’s wool was prodding the still glowing embers.

As Te’c-eric approached the shaman looked up and grinned a toothy smile, his taught skin in the darkness appeared as a black skull in the night.

“ Te’c-eric” he murmured, “I was wondering when you would come to me.”

The old mans voice sounded like a ghostly chorus of enthrall whispers, Te’c-eric shivered, and slowly, with great consideration asked, “you knew that I would come to you?”

The shaman chuckled a dry rasping chuckle and coughed, a trickle of blood dribbled from the corner of his mouth, which the shaman swiftly wiped away.

“ Of course I knew ya’ would come to me. Five years ago ya’ lost yourself in d’a jungle, we all considered ya’ dead, den a week after ya’ vanished, ya’ stumbled int’a ‘da clearing, covered in mud and filth with a bleeding grate scar all the way round yer, neck”

The old man paused to poke the fire with his staff and Te’c-eric politely waited for him to continue.

“ya’ see I ‘ad ya’ marked down as one o dem’ born again men. Ya, had all dem, markings an’ hallmarks of an ancestor reincarnated.

The old man fixed Te’c-eric a piercing glance that seemed to cut through his barriers to see into his soul.


And den ya died an I was left wid nothing to show for my careful teachin’s and lessons so I go inter ‘da jungle ta look for ya’… an I find a decomposing body wi’d no head an in your cloths, an’ so I bury you, and perform all ‘der death rights an rituals and pay my respects an go back to de’ village to tell yer’ ol’ man ‘dat yer’ dead,”

Te’c-eric opened his mouth to interrupt but the shaman stopped him.
“Listen when I’m taking to ya!” he grumbled “now I get back to ‘der village and I find ‘dat you ad come back while I was gone, and when I ask ya’ what happened ya’ can’t remember, so it was pretty clear to me ‘dat ‘der gods were mukin about wid’ ya”

The shaman stood up and straitened his robe, his clawed hands smoothing the heavy wool.
“Now lad, I had a little talk wi’d ‘der spirits an I found a li’ll bit o information bout yer soul, apparently you have two destines, one o destruction an one o peace, its up ta’ you ta’ choose which, but what s important is yer’ dreaming, I fink y’a dreams could be tru’. Your mothers ghost told me ye were having True dreams… tell me about them….”

Te’c-eric shuddered his heart pounded at an extra ordinary rate as he recounted his dreams and described how they were becoming increasingly frequent as he finished with his most recent dream the old shamans eyes lit up and in the dim light his tattoos appeased to glow, a demonic voice issued from the shamans mouth

“ And there shall come a time when a dead man walks the jungles and he shall have two destinies, he shall bare a collar of scars and his might shall be untold, where he walks the ground will tremble and where he runs the skies shall fall, his hour will be of his choosing and it will be in his hands whether to save of destroy”

The shaman dropped to the floor and the enthrall glow around him dimmed a little blood dribbled from his mouth, his eyes clouded and he gasped for breath

“Te’c-eric” he moaned, “don’t trust the drearghssss….” And with that last breath his body began to smoke and as the sun came out in to the clearing, the old man’s corpse burst into incandescent flames. Te’c-eric scrambled back from the inferno and watched mutely as his only friend was consumed by fire, Te’c-eric felt the darkness come and he too fell to the floor.
………….………….………….………….………….………….…
“Why did you do it!”
“arghghhhhh…. What master? Arghhhhh!”
“KILL THE OLD MAN YOU FOOL!”
“ It was an accidarghhhh!….”
“ He was a valuble pawn and you bloody burnt him up with an excess of power, he only needed a touch more than he had!”
“Forgive me marstarghhhh”
“Not this time, I gave you a second chance and you failed me, no I have to get directly involved….”
“One last chance mastarghhhh!?”
“NO! I sentence you to an eternity of PAIN! Maybe that will teach you to mind your butter fingers!”
‘ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!”
………….………….………….………….………….………….…

Te’c-eric clawed his way into consciousness, he was lying on a familiar bed, and looked around in confusion, like a hammer to the head he remembered the night’s events and he, cursed himself and sat up, he looked at his body and retched, he was covered in the dry ash of the human bonfire. Staggering out of the hut he ran to the deep pool and plunged deep into the water. He arose gasping and looked again at his dripping torso his rippling muscles were covered in strange tattoos and he cursed, his vision whirling he swam to the edge of the pool and shuddered with revulsion crawling on to the bank he lay there heaving and considered his options.
………….………….………….………….………….………….…

hoky doky folks the dancing gibbon is here to repel you eyes.

Sorry its late but GCSE math takes priority

[Chinaren]

Hey Tip. I have to f5 the comments above. You need to watch your grammar, spelling, use of capital letters (or lack of), and spacing to start with.

Once you've done that, you need to work on your writing style. One thing I picked up on (I only scanned the story) was this...

Quote: Te’c-eric shot up gasping, his pallet covered in sweat, his well-muscled body dripping with perspiration. Raising his hand to his neck to trace the horrific scaring that indicated his encounter with the arock he recalled the events of that fateful day.

Te'c-eric slipped from the raised platform on which he slept and ducked out of his palm leaf hut. gazing out upon the village in the pre morning light he stretched a long lazy stretch, his muscles rippled, glistening with the perspirations of his dream.

Te'c-eric walked with the practiced grace of the skilled hunter he had become and frowned as he recollected his midnight thoughts, mere fragments of information re...

That's three paragraphs all starting with Te'c-eric. This is a symptom of one thing you need to change, which is the old chestnut of 'show don't tell'. You are telling...

He did this. He did that. He...

You need to change it around make it more colorful. I've no more time now, but check out the FAQs elsewhere on IF.

Keep writing!

[Tipico]

*sniff* okay fuzzy orange monster...*snif*

[Chinaren]

:cool:

[Crunchyfrog]

Okay. I like your use of language, and the way you are forming your characters. Unfortunately I found it difficult to read, because of issues with formatting, punctuation and run-on sentences. Here are some pointers, which I hope will help.

Formatting:

I didn't see your formatting before your edit, but you still need to format your entire prologue.

In chapter 2, Tec's conversation with the shaman is almost illegible. It needs to be broken up.

For example, this...

Quote: The shaman chuckled a dry rasping chuckle and coughed
“ Of course I knew ya would come to me, five years ago ya lost yourself in da jungle, we all considered ya dead, den a week after ya vanished, ya stumbled inta da clearing covered in mud and filth with a bleeding grate scar all the way round yer neck” the old man paused to poke the fir with his staff and Te’c-eric politely waited for him to continue. “ya see I ad ya marked down as one o dem marked men, ya had all dem marking an hallmarks of an ancestor reincarnated, and den ya died an I was left wid nothing to show for my careful teachins and lessons so I go inter da jungle ta look for ya… an I find a decomposing body wid no head an in your cloths, an so I bury you and perform all der deff rights an rituals and pay my respects an go back to de village to tell yer ol man dat yer dead,” Te’c-eric opened his mouth to interrupt but the shaman stopped him “listen when I’m taking to ya!” he grumbled “now I gut back to der village and I find dat you ad come back while I was gone,…and when I ask ya what happened ya can’t remember, so it was prity clear to me dat der gods were mukin about wid ya”

...looks like this when formatted:

The shaman chuckled a dry rasping chuckle and coughed. “ Of course I knew ya would come to me, five years ago ya lost yourself in da jungle, we all considered ya dead, den a week after ya vanished, ya stumbled inta da clearing covered in mud and filth with a bleeding grate scar all the way round yer neck.”

The old man paused to poke the fir with his staff and Te’c-eric politely waited for him to continue. “Ya see, I ad ya marked down as one o dem marked men, ya had all dem marking an hallmarks of an ancestor reincarnated, and den ya died an I was left wid nothing to show for my careful teachins and lessons so I go inter da jungle ta look for ya… an I find a decomposing body wid no head an in your cloths, an so I bury you and perform all der deff rights an rituals and pay my respects an go back to de village to tell yer ol man dat yer dead.”

Te’c-eric opened his mouth to interrupt but the shaman stopped him. “Listen when I’m taking to ya!” he grumbled. “Now, I gut back to der village and I find dat you ad come back while I was gone,…and when I ask ya what happened ya can’t remember, so it was prity clear to me dat der gods were mukin about wid ya”

Now this still needs work, because you have run-on sentences - which I will cover below:

Punctuation

Read the Shaman's speech out loud. He may be a magic man, but if he attempted to say that lot even he would need to pause for breath! Split up his sentences, and think about how the Shaman might speak. You've already given this some thought, which is good. He pauses to stoke a few firs, and you've given him an accent, there. You don't have to make him pause more often, just break the speech up into smaller sentences.



The punctuation is practically non-existant in your prologue.

For example:

Quote: Deep in the heart of a Neolithic jungle the hot wet stench of rotting detritus filled the hunters nose the dank, dark, steam filled the air with the stench of decay causing his body to sweat and his mattered hair to drip with salt sweat carrying a flint spear in one hand and whipping the sweat from his brow with the other he silently cursed whichever daemon had lead him of the path, now attempting to retrace his steps and to find his way home was his main priority.

Now read it out loud to yourself. I ran out of breath by the the time you were tallking about dripping sweat.

You need to read the whole thing out loud, then place the full-stops and the commas in the right places.

Do this with your prologue and both your chapters. I see you've already done some work on the chapters, and they look a lot better than the prologue, but they can still be improved.

Once you've inserted the punctuation throughout your work, go back and read it out loud again. You may have to do this two or three times before you get the punctuation absolutely right.



When you're writing to give the impression of dialect, you need to add extra punctuation - inverted commas are needed to show that the character is missing off letters from his words.

Here I have highlighted the inverted commas in red, showing where they should be in an excerpt of the Shaman's speech.

Quote: “Ya see, I 'ad ya marked down as one o' dem marked men, ya had all dem marking an' hallmarks of an ancestor reincarnated, and den ya died an' I was left wid nothing to show for my careful teachin's and lessons so I go inter da jungle ta look for ya…

You need to go through all the dialogue, and make sure you've put in the correct punctuation.


Don't feel despondent with all this - it sounds like a lot to correct, but on the whole your use of language is very good, and I like the way you are building your world and characters. Unfortunately the punctuation and formatting stood in the way of the story for me, but I will gladly come back and re-read once it's been sorted out.

Hope this helps, and keep writing!

Cheers
CF

[Tipico]

* grins* sorry!

i tend to rush it a bit and i speck to fast as well when i start tripping it comes out in a lump and i can't type fast enough thats why the punctuation's messed up..

wait a sec... EXTRA punctuation????
BUT I CAN'T EVEN DO NORMAL PUNCTUATION

oh dear......

[Tipico]

OK i edited everything, i imagine it still will make your eyes burn but feel free to gaze upon the horror of my literacy skills. no I'v made it (perhaps) a little better feel free to pick holes in everything else!

i mean it i want the criticism... :smile:

[Crunchyfrog]

I've been away for a while, but I just looked at Chapter 2 again, and have to say much better!

The formatting is spot on, and the punctuation much better.

Still coming across run-on sentences, so my advice to you would still be to read out loud what you have written.

Keep in mind the advice given in this thread when you write the next chapter. Look forward to seeing it!

:)