City of IF

[Design]

PRELUDE

I have this dream.

I'm running through a wide tunnel. Its dark. I can't even even see the walls that I sense around me. The only way I know it's a tunnel, is the halo of light up ahead. But it never gets any closer.

I'm not alone in this tunnel. I can hear something chasing me. I can feel its hot breath wash against my back. I don't know what it is. But I know if I stop. I'll die.

----

Eyes snap open. Sweat slides down my forehead and enters my eye. Its stings. I blink. My breath is coming in short, fast gasps. Like a sputtering engine that knows its dying.

"Hey, you OK, baby?"

I blink and open dry lips. "Yeah."

There's a muttering sound. Sheets rustle. "Go back to sleep then."

I glance at the slender form lying next to me. Warm bare flesh pressing against mine. Katrina is a thing of beauty. Tender, frail, gorgeous. I wipe the sweat from my brow and slide out of bed.

Walk to the bathroom. The light flicks on and I step closer to the mirror. Those legends, stupid myths. They say we can't see our own reflections. Ridiculous. Stupid tales from stupid men.

I step out of the bathroom and stare at the sleeping form. Her soft breath rattles in the air. I lick my unnatural canines. Time to get this over with.

[Phantomfan]

Yay, first post!
This is really cool so far, Design.
I can't wait to here more of it.

[Design]

CHAPTER 1-CAR TROUBLE


I have this dream.

I'm running through a wide tunnel. Its dark. I can't even even see the walls that I sense around me. The only way I know it's a tunnel, is the halo of light up ahead. But it never gets any closer.

I'm not alone in this tunnel. I can hear something chasing me. I can feel its hot breath wash against my back. I don't know what it is. But I know if I stop. I'll die.

So I run. But never gaining any ground. Voices wail in the background. My mother screams, my father wails, my sister cries. Tearing sounds, gnashing teeth. I keep moving. Don't stop. Or you'll die.

-----

The morning news paper is easy to read in the sunlight. I sit on a park bench, letting my mocha cool in the early morning. I flip the page. Paper rustles.

"Crazy world, huh?"

A stranger settles down next to me. Uninvited. I hide my irritation. "Yeah. It is."

He's old. A Senior by today's standards. A beer belly protrudes and fights against his dress shirt. It's a nice dress shirt. A gray mustache reminds me of an elderly Hitler. I never did like that man.

"Weird way of dying too. She's just sleeping, and then BAM! Heart stops. Or so they say." He lifts his eyebrow conspiratorially.

"Doesn't matter. She's still dead."

The man sighs and leans back in his seat. The bench creaks under the weight. Sprinklers douse green lawns in front of us and the playground buildings glisten in the sun.

"Say, shouldn't you be in school?"

I fold the paper carefully and place it between us. Perfectly rectangular. I move it around to make sure its even. Man watches me curiously. I stand up. I leave the mocha.

-----

I need to clean my car. Its cluttered with paper and coffee cups. I flick an empty Starbucks container off the driver's seat and get inside. The engine purrs to a start. Pressing the gas pedal is petting it. I pet it.

The Nissan Maxima. Its sleek, its black, and it always moves when I want it to. Wires hang from the ignition like separated arteries. I don't know where the owner put his keys.

My eyes flick back to my rear view mirror. A red truck has pulled out too.

A car honks as I cut him off. His horn blares annoyingly. I switch to the right lane, heading for 80 east. I accelerate into the Interstate. Cars slower and faster than mine join me in a metallic celebration. Were all blood vessels in a decaying body. It's just a matter of time until the heart stops pumping.

My cell rings. The tone beeps insistently. My hand reaches out. Grabs it. My eyes never leave the road. It's unsafe.

"Hello."

"Where are you?"

"Why do you need to know?"

"You broke rules. That can't be overlooked."

"It has been many times."

"You're not a prince."

"I should be."

The deep voice sighs on the other line. He knows I'm right. Knows it.

"They'll be watching our area now. The hunters will. And so will the clans."

I switch over to another lane. Mine is too slow.

"Hello?"

"I heard you," I say. "I'm moving anyways. There's nothing here for me."

Vlad sighs again and I hear papers rustle. "You could always blend in."

I laugh out loud. It's hollow. Empty. But a laugh is a laugh. "I do not like denying what I am, Vlad."

"You are not denying what you are," he says, his voice edgy. "Just not being so showy about it. You put our species in danger!"

"My species," I snarl. "Has NEVER cared for me. Why should I even consider them?" I cut another car off. My larger vehicle almost shoves the small Civic off the road. His horn honks indignantly.

"Don't be so selfish."

I say some choice words about his bloodline. I can hear his voice harden into a glacier. "You're being childish."

"I am a child."

He snorts, "That's no excuse."

I swerve to avoid a biker. Keg like arms stretch upwards and thick hands wrap around mounted handles. I'm tempted to sideline him. I think better of it. I let two more cars pass me. I glance over my right shoulder as I switch lanes yet again. I notice the red tuck again.

"I'm sorry."

Vlad sighs again. "It's alright my lad. By the way, someone is following you." There is a clicking sound. And the dial tone blares in my ear.

I frown as I throw the phone out the window. I watch it shatter into tiny pieces against the asphalt. I watch those pieces being mauled by tire after tire.

Then my eyes go to the red Honda Ridegline. It's a monster, the grill itself could swallow my car.

Bad. Very bad. I eye the driver. Man clad in a black wife beater and a shaved head. His muscle tension screams, "Hunter." It also screams, "Newbie." Has lunch come early. Or am I missing something...

[Traveller]

Good start Design...and welcome to the city...

I like the beginning...my only real complaint is that all of your sentences are very choppy...you are consistant with it so I wonder if its a choice you made on purpose...but I found it a little distracting...

Have to admit I am not a big vampire story fan but I can see there is talent there so I will be watching...

As for the DP...I think Lunch should come early...lead him down a side street that isn't so crowded as the interstate and sink your teeth in...

...T.

[Christalnightshade]

The dentist and vampire thing frightened me when it popped onto the screan. Ok so a reoccuring dream of a tunnel, why is that got to do with the past of the main character or the future or wait did I miss something... Well, I'd like to see more. Um, the Dp, get someone evil and sink your teeth in and then hide the person... Hope to see you do better with a vampire story than I did last year.

[D-Lotus]

Quote: But I know if I stop. I'll die.

I would use a comma there. Also, I agree with Traveller- don't abuse the telegraphic sentence.

Another thing that bothers me is that there is too much action and too little description. There's a lack of spacial setting. As the reader, I have no clue where anything is occuring, so I am somewhat lost.

Other than that, this is an excellent beginning. Very interesting character. As for the DP- Try to throw the hunter off by switching cars.

[Advarr]

Good SG!

With that said, I think our vampire friend should lure our vampire hunter to a vacant building.....

right into a trap! :shock:

[shy_blu_eyes]

I'm not usually inclined to disagree with Trav, but I like the choppy sentences. The create a sense of irritability and distraction in this scene. If it's intentional, its a good choice, but if it's an accident avoid it in the future. As for the DP, there's more than just a hunter behind him. After all, someone told Vlad about the hunter. I say he lures the hunter into a trap, but Vlad's flunkies use the opportunity to ambush him (Vald has apparently decided this is one mistake too many).

[Advarr]

I like Shy's idea adding to my own, it will create a since of betrayal in the story and could personally scar our main character. That would be odd though, since Vlad seems to be Vampies friend and even points out he's being followed.

Mmmm.......

With that twist I think it would be more dramatic but.....

Maybe we should have another vampire group attack, I see Vlad as a possible major key role to help Vampie (which is my new nick name for the main character)

Also I do think the choppy lines help to create a since of distance and uncaring, accident or not.

Good Sg

Your Lord and Master,
Advarr

[DeadManWalking]

I like this.

This is cool.

[Design]

Thanks guys, and I'll take in the description advice D, but the short clipped sentences if purposeful.

[Advarr]

I voted for the trapped trap if that makes since....
I'm excited for the next chapter because it's (hopefully) going to be more descriptive. Yay X.x

Your Faithful Viewer,
Varr

[Design]

Alright, poll is closed. Next chapter jumps up soon.

[Design]

Hoooooly crap! I apologize greatly dudes and dudettes. I've been in arizona and haven't touched the computer the whole time. But now I'm back home so I'll spit out a chapter in a jiffy. I doubt I have any readers left :P

[Crossfire]

Simply by posting that, you've attracted another reader- there is a New Posts section, y'know.

I like the short paragraphing- also the 14-point size. Then again, I use both of them in my chapters too, so that's kind of a given. *grins*

Cut-off sentences are good in moderation, but...

I look forward to further installments! It's a shame I didn't get to vote on the poll, but I see it wouldn't have really mattered unless I had badgered a few others to vote too.