City of IF

NinjaTenorSaxophonisTT · Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:32 am Post subject: Pirate Ty

[color=cyan]The wind whistled through the air as storm clouds cluttered the sky. I silently hoped that the storm would pass, but with my luck it probably wouldn’t. Tiny droplets of water came from the sky, gently dabbing my cheek with water. I swatted the drop off my cheek. “Great,’ I muttered, “rain.”

Every time it rained, all the energy in my body would instantly drain. I cursed the sky and went below deck to my quarters. Slamming the door behind me, I jumped onto my old lumpy cot and listened to the faint thunder roll across the sky. I touched my necklace and it became warm. It glowed even brighter when I touched it, sending surges of energy through my body. Pulling my hand away, the light in the orb grew dim and I sighed.

I had had that necklace as long as I had been alive. There was a mystery behind it, but I wasn't sure who gave it to me and what it was for. Lost in thought, I leaned back on the cot and tried to stay awake, but I was easily consumed by sleep.

When I awoke, I leaned up to look out of the window. No more thunder. Actually, no more rain either. The sun shined brightly, causing the ocean water to glitter. Suddenly there was a thumping at the door.

“What?!” I shouted drowsily as I went to open the door.
The door creaked open as I turned the brass door knob. Tim, the cabin boy, was waiting at the other side of the door. “Hey Ty, we’ve reached land and we’re all headin’ out. Capin’ H sent me down to see if you’d wanna come too.” I considered it… “No thanks. I think I’m gonna practice with the swords,” I replied. Tim shook his head. “You never come out with us, mate! Well, we’ll be back,” Tim said glumly. He ran out the door and joined the rest of the crew.
I waited awhile before heading out. Once all was clear and all of the crew had left, I grabbed my sword and jumped off the side of the ship onto a clear sandy beach. I looked over the palm trees and saw the faint glow of the town. There were other boats anchored near by as well.
Slicing my sword through the air, I felt the orb around my neck glow brighter and warmer. A surge went through my body as my slices became more dangerous as I practiced on.
“Whoa there Tyler,” a gentle voice called from behind me. Quickly, I turned on my heel and wiped my forehead with the back of my hand. A man all in black started walking up to me. “I know who you are, but you don’t know who I am,” he said slyly.

Who is this man and what does he want with me?[/color]

NinjaTenorSaxophonisTT · Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:34 am Post subject:

This is my first story. Sorry if it sucks completely!! :?

Tipico · Joined: 24 May 2008 Posts: 94

it doesn't suck, although it could be a bit longer, i like it.

as for what he wants, he could be a recruiter to some kind of army or rebel group.

i would like to see a little more description of our main character chap (Tyler i think) and a bit of his history in the next few chapters.

good work, keep it up!

NinjaTenorSaxophonisTT · Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:54 am Post subject:

Hey thanks for the advice. I'll be sure to describe Tyler throughout the story!! :P

Traveller · Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 122 Location: Kimberley, BC

Nice start and I agree about the length, but not a bad start none the less...

One bit of advice though, and this is a formatting issue, each line of dialogue should be its own paragraph...this will help the reader differentiate between speakers and make your story easier to read.

As for your DP...the man could be a rebel from the town...maybe there is a group of deserters out to overthrow the nasty rulers of the town. As for what he wants, Ty's glowing necklace, of course...T.

Tipico · Joined: 24 May 2008 Posts: 94

or.... he could be the guy who gave him the glowing neckless, and now he wants it back, or wants Tyler to repay him by aiding his rebel insurgence from the town!

avenger · Joined: 04 Jun 2008 Posts: 9

NinjaTenorSaxophonisTT wrote: This is my first story. Sorry if it sucks completely!! :?

It doesn' suck at all, could be alittle longer, of course. It is very good, keep on working!

As for your questions: The man in the black after Tyler is an assassin. He is sent after Tyler's glowing necklace that gives him surges of energy. He could be sent by the old king of the town that needs all the energy he can get to fight against the rebellion.

Hope you like my answer!!! :smile:

DeadManWalking · Joined: 24 May 2006 Posts: 515 Location: San Francisco

I F5 most of what has been said before me.

And I think that the assassin angle has some potential

except don't make it the king

Possibly someone from the rebel group wanting to use its power to topple the king and set himself up as dictator-for-life?

Chinaren · Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:46 pm Post subject:

Indeed, short and also rushed NiTeSaT.

I don't know what sort of ship he's on, what he looks like (apart from wearing some kind of necklace), what kind of world this is, except they use swords, or pretty much anything!

Let's have at least a bit of detail! :shock:

The man is a lawyer, come to tell him of the passing of his great-great-great grandfather, General Reginald Whistleblower, and he must attend the reading of the will no later than midnight two days hence, in Ballyboom city.

NinjaTenorSaxophonisTT · Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 4:18 pm Post subject:

I'm sorry if the story seems rushed, but remember this is only my first time writing this story and I do appreciate all the advise and critique. I'll keep in mind that in the next chapter I will have to add more details etc.

avenger · Joined: 04 Jun 2008 Posts: 9

DeadManWalking wrote: I F5 most of what has been said before me.

And I think that the assassin angle has some potential

except don't make it the king

Possibly someone from the rebel group wanting to use its power to topple the king and set himself up as dictator-for-life?

Thank you DeadManWalking I like that you thought it was good. I thought of it because right before I got on here, I was playing Assassin's Creed on my Xbox 360. Also i agree on the person from the rebellion group seeking the necklace. But, I think both perspectives would work out just fine. The king seeking it, though, would turn out with a happy ending. The rebel, on the other hand, would end up in a total doomsday for the people of the village. Thanks for the compliment, and the critique! :-D

DeadManWalking · Joined: 24 May 2006 Posts: 515 Location: San Francisco

or it could be totally ambiguous and you don't KNOW who the good guy is.

I must say though, i like Cren's suggestion.

P.S. Assassin's Creed is something that i have wanted to play for SO long. But I just never get around to it.

shy_blu_eyes · Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 327 Location: Away

Perhaps the reason Ty feels weak in the rain is because the necklace draws power from the sun. It uses this energy to augment Ty's abilities and glows when it's working. The stranger in black is part of a rival group who draws their powers from moonlight. Since the town is described as glowing faintly, it's probably dusk, which could lead to complications as Ty's strength wanes and his opponent's waxes. I know that doesn't explain the line "I know who you are...", but maybe leaving that statement to be explained later in the story will help build a sense of mystery and suspense.

DeadManWalking · Joined: 24 May 2006 Posts: 515 Location: San Francisco

or perhaps the necklace creates a circuit through ty, running electricity through him and the water, when built up, acts as a short circuit, making the electricity bypass Ty and going straight back into the necklace

avenger · Joined: 04 Jun 2008 Posts: 9

DeadManWalking wrote: or it could be totally ambiguous and you don't KNOW who the good guy is.

I must say though, i like Cren's suggestion.

P.S. Assassin's Creed is something that i have wanted to play for SO long. But I just never get around to it.

Hey DeadManWalking, since i thought of the assassin thing I have kept it running through my head. Instead of a king or rebel sending the assassin. The assassin could be sent on his own will wanting Ty to join a league of assassins since Ty is so good with the sword. Then they could side with either the king or the rebel depending upon their own choice. I hope you like this new thought on the assassin aspect of the story.