City of IF

[FatHairyApe]

Hey everyone!

Some friends in the Inn told me that I should start selling my critiques. Well, I love writing them, and I think I have the background to, well, back them up. I have been involved in newspaper all my life, and I am editor-in-chief of my school's newspaper. I also loveeeee grammar, metaphors, symbolism, etc. Haha.

Anyways! Critiques are easy, cheap, and fun! If you want a critique, please just comment here.


Currently Critiquing For...
1. Chinaren



Some Critiques I've Done
A Motherload Critique:
Right here.

And Others:
01, 02, 03, 04, 05.




Critiquing Packages
1. - Grammar. Edit purely for grammatical mistakes including mixed modifiers, spelling errors, misuse of words, incorrect syntax, etc. Price: .04 Fables a word.

2. - Story. Edit purely for story content, characterization, literary elements, metaphors, etc. No grammar editing. Price: .04 Fables a word.

3. - The Whole Shibang. A combination of both the Grammar and Story packages. Price: .09 Fables a word.
Note: Prices are really not finite, and I usually give rebates/bonuses/etc. :)


How it Works
You either post here or PM me telling me you want a critique. You provide a link to the Storygame and tell me with which chapter(s) you'd like me to critique. I then process the chapter(s) in Microsoft Word for a word count.
Example: Let's say you PM me to critique your Chapter 1 of "Bunnies Gone Wrong". You want the Story Package. I process Bunnies Gone Wrong and do a word count in Word. It says there are 1,590 words. 1590 x .04 = 63.6 Fables. Price is always rounded down, so the total would be 63 Fables.



Terms of Service
* All crits will be completed and posted within one week maximum. If you'd like a critique sooner, please tell me and consider donating extra fables o-).

* If you want me to critique your Chapter 3, let's say, with previous knowledge of all other chapters, I am going to charge you for that reading time. The official charge is 5 Fables a chapter to read. (So, to critique Chapter 3 with previous knowledge of all other chapters [1 and 2], you'd need to pay an extra 10 Fables.

* If you are not satisfied with your critique, you must tell me in PM form and we will work it out from there. It'd be nice if you could tell me why and provide suggestions.

* If you'd like a critique but cannot pay for it, PM me. We can work something out. Maybe.

* If you do not pay for your critique, I will consult higher authorities and see what happens then.

* Tips are always appreciated and will not be declined.

* Critique pay may be substituted with an alternative critique (i.e. you crit me; I crit you!)


Please note pricing changes. Feel free to post here after you have received your critique and tell us what you thought. Have a nice day, and thanks for coming![/list]

[Chinaren]

Firstly, great av Fhape. :lol:

Secondly, you want to critique? Oh boy, you really asked for it.

I have a tale for you, if you're serious. PM me for more info. I can probably afford to pay you a shiny new Fable.

Ooh. Shiny!

[Kalanna Rai]

Don't fall for that Fat, we still havn't seen the last 'critter' China hired...

But I've got some work for you if you're open for the next six months. PM me if interested...

[FatHairyApe]

Here is an example critique for CrunchyFrog's The Magician's Touch (found here but some people cannot access it). PS, it's enormous:
Quote:
Critique of Chapter 25 by FatHairyApe



For documentation, here is a copy of the PM you sent me:
Quote: Hey there, I saw your crit services thread! Cool! I'd love for you to do a crit of Chapter 25 of The Magician's Touch if you could find the time. I have been concentrating on 'paring down' my writing, getting rid of adverbs and simplifying dialog tags so the style of writing in this chapter is different from all the rest - but the result was that I got comments that it ran too fast so maybe I overdid it. Anyhow I'd be grateful if you could take a look at the pacing and structure of this (there are several synopsis threads to help get you orientated) but I will understand if you turn it down because of the huge work Magician's Touch has become. It's currently being rewritten offline with a view to submitting to a publisher, but has a lot of polishing to do. Naturally I snap up any offers to critique! I'll pay your going rate in fables, and any extras you think it will cost.

I gave you a sort of mixed package. First will come an in-depth look at your story, and following that there will be a synopsis and some more information. Enjoy, and thanks for shopping at Fat Hairy Critiques!



Quote: Wilson backed away. “Galloway, trust me! What good would it do me if I ran now? There's something dangerous out there, and he may need my help. I'm not going anywhere!”
This is excellent.You show the immediacy of the situation without any unnecessary tags (i.e. Wilson backed away and yelled with urgency, "Galloway...") The continuing dialogue, is excellent. Engaging.

Quote: A burning, prickling feeling crept over Wilson’s scalp and shoulders. He looked up at the opening in the ceiling at the Emithium workshop above.
Idiom error. I'd write "He looked up at the opening in the cieling of the Emithium workshop. The "above" is redundant. From what you have here, it seems like the workshop is above the characters, which I am assuming it isn't. I suggested of instead of at because the ceiling isn't going anywhere, and it is part of the workshop itself.

Quote: The impact of Galloway’s fist to his face caught him off his guard. Wilson staggered, regained his balance and then dodged Galloway who pounced and collided with the ladder. It clattered down on top of him, pinning him to the platform.
I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I'd suggest using the Oxford comma and revising your lists. This means your text would read "Wilson staggered, regained his balance, and then dodged..." because it is a series of events that all follow each other. The Oxford comma, is the comma on the last list item (Milk, eggs, and cheese--the one before the and). Personally, I think it is essential and very helpful.

Quote: Wilson gasped as the prickling heat grew stronger.
I'd describe heat as growing hotter, not stronger. Consider: "Wilson gasped as the prickling heat grew hotter yet."

Quote: Scrambling back towards Galloway he kicked the handcuffs out of reach, pulled the ladder away and hoisted him to his feet.
Again, this is a list. It should read "Scrambling back towards Galloway, he kicked the handcuffs out of reach, pulled the ladder away, and hoisted him to his feet." You left out two commas--I bolded them. The first error was you needed to add a comma after your clause "Scrambling...Galloway" because it is an introductory phrase.

Quote: Wilson gripped the Inspector’s arms even tighter, his cold grey eyes staring into Galloway’s. “Give...me...the...lens...”
"Inspector" should not be capitalized. He is, indeed, an inspector, but you'd only capitalized it if it were being used to replace his name. Examples:
Wilson gripped the insepctor's arms. or Wilson said, "Hey, Inspector, what's up?"

Quote: He pressed the lens into Wilson’s hand and together they leapt off the platform, dodging and ducking the web of creaking scaffolding as they ran through the Emithium containment chamber.
I have always been a fan of long sentences. This sentence in particular is expertly crafted. It is exhilarating, and it pushes you through 'til the last comma like a giant wave. Everything is described perfectly with just enough room for imagination. I like the d and ing repetition in dodging and ducking, and I appreciate how you show the scaffolding as this giant webbed trapped for these... insects that are merely insignifigant flies in the large scheme of destiny.

Quote: “Keep your distance!” Magnus was standing at the threshold of the showroom, his arms extended forwards.
Here I would use a tag. It doesn't seem as if Magnus is even speaking. Consider, "'Keep your distance!,' Magnus said by the threshold of the showroom with his arms extended forwards."

Quote: “What’s he doing?” said Galloway.
Here, the indescript "said" tag draws even more attention to the dialogue to me, because this is a question. I'd replace "said" with "asked".

Quote: Two brilliant green field lines sprang from among the workers houses across the forecourt towards Magnus.
Consider: "among the workers' houses"

Quote: “It...won’t harm you whilst it’s connected with me... Can’t... let it hit the power source... ”
Ah. Whilst. This is a sort of steampunk novel, correct? I only don't "tsk'd" at whilst in beyonde ye grave ancient stories. Whilst is extremely archaic--unless it's a character thing, I'd say nix whilst whereever and whenever. It has become lackluster with misuse from authors everywhere.

Quote: The mass of glutinous grey flesh oozed over the cobblestones, shreds of dark fabric protruding from the sticky pulp. A silver button glinted briefly in the mess as it melted into the ground.
Wow! The imagery! Beautifully done. I especially like "shreds of...pulp." Impressive.

Quote: Wiping his face on his sleeve, Wilson looked over his shoulder at the shimmering apparition approaching him. His eyes widened.
You released so much description in very few words. I saw the entire scene in my mind, and that is what storytellers are supposed to do! (Unless you're Charles Dickens, of course) But, before this, the throw up part was a little lacking in... realism. To me, it was just like "Oh he threw up. Onwards." He threw up because there's this CRAZY ASS NASTY STUFF. I thought it should be emphasized a li'l bit mo', 'cause, you know, throwing up is kind of a big deal.

Quote: She pushed her goggles up over her forehead with bleeding hands, revealing a grey lesion stretching from her chin to her ear. Blood trickled from her nose and mouth. “Please...”
If I had to choose between this imagery or the imagery that comes directly before it in your story, I'd choose this. This gives me a beautiful image with few words, but it also lets me imagine a little bit for myseslf. You set it up perfectly, and then you top it off with this seemingly desperate orphan-girl-type "Pleeeeaseeee".

Quote: He shut his eyes tightly and thought about the room where he’d memorised the documents. The door... the lock... the claustrophobia... Yes! Wilson caught his breath as Munro’s diagram flooded his mind’s eye in all its detailed glory.
I am asuming you're American. Disregard the next sentence if you're not. Memorized. Publishers (you'd mentioned possibilities of this) hate when you screw up "our" language like that. I like the fragments as the memories enter back into his head. Just a quick nitpickity comment: the "it" in the last sentence (in all its detailed glory) could be confusing and technically implies the "mind's eye". Consider revising so the pronoun couldn't be confused. Reason and logic of the average reader will prevent any confusion, though.

Quote: With the image vivid in his mind, he plunged his arm through the aura, gasping at the unexpected coolness inside the pale haze. He felt for a panel underneath the handle of the weapon’s casing, and flicked it open, searching with his fingers for a tiny wheel.
Great imagery, again. You have grammar issues at the second sentence, though. "He felt for a panel underneath the handle of the weapon's casing and flicked it open, searching with his fingers for a tiny wheel." is the correct form. There should not be a comma, because there is no subject in "and flicked it open".

Quote: As he turned it, it sprang away from his fingertips, releasing the handle that opened weapon’s casing. Now he had access to the machinery surrounding the crystal itself.
Reread and fix. This is missing a word or two.

Quote: As he turned it the aura faded.
The text before this in your story is great. Well done. Here, though, you should have a comma after "As he turned it" so it reads "As he turned it, the aura faded." As he turned it is an introductory phrase much like "Yesterday" or "After I go to lunch".

Quote: The agony all but but eclipsed the shouts, approaching footsteps and movement around him;
Here is a good example of how a lack of an Oxford comma can lead you to trouble. In the novel business, usually you want everything to be coherent as soon as the reader reads it. Here, however, I read "The agony all but but" (there are two buts--fix that) "eclipsed the shouts. Approaching footsteps and movement around him... DID WHAT?!" It doesn't read perfectly, because I think you are continuing with something new at the approaching. Consider: "The agony all but eclipsed the shouts, approaching footsteps, and movement around him." Otherwise, it doesn't seem like the footsteps and movement are getting eclipsed. Not the best example, but eh.

Quote: “Wilson, are you alright?” Galloway was crouched beside him.
Here, your lack of a tag leads me to confusion. It's okay to have some dialogue tags, honest! Consider: "Wilson, are you okay? [this removes possible error with alright which I have to check on]" asked Galloway, crouched beside him.

You spell armor like "armour". Are you British? Tell me the truth.

Quote: In a lightning movement, Magnus lunged for Galloway and pushed him against the wall, pinning him there by the neck. The sharp green light from the tiny crystal in his cufflink reflected on Galloway’s face.
Wohoo! Jam-packed with action. This is a really exciting part. I like the whole cufflink and light idea, by the way, throughout this entire chapter.

Quote: Magnus removed Amelia’s belt, and retrieved a roll of gauzy fabric from her bag.
No comma after belt, because there's no subject in "retrieved a roll of gauzy fabric from her bag."

"Stabilises." Okay. Are you really British? Or... not-American...? :)

Quote: Wilson lay down on the cobbles. He shut his eyes and concentrated on the rain spattering his face, trying to block out the pain.
Good work inserting description without the boring "And then it began to rain a lot." This is a great skill to use, and you have just shown you can use it effectively.
Quote: The heat of a thousand white hot nails pierced the skin on his hand, and raced up his arm. He drew breath to scream but instead sank away into unconsciousness.
Comma. None before "and raced up his arm".

Wohoo. Good story keeps a'comin'. "Recognised." I am pretty sure you're not American anymore.

Quote: “In the holding area - still wrapped up in that shroud thing,” said Galloway, waving a dismissive hand. “The Magician wants her back at the mines.” He looked at Evans. “Alright, Evans, you’ve done your job. Go and report back to the sergeant in the conference room. We’ve not finished with you yet.”
I always use em-dashes for interruptions, because that's what you're supposed to do. An em-dash is "--". Again, there could be a tag here for dialogue and it'd be perfectly fine. Consider: "The magician wants her back at the mines." Then, looking at Evans, he added, "Alright, Evans, you've done..."

Quote: “Listen, Wilson,” he said. “We’ve had the identity of Ambrose’s attackers confirmed. One of them IS Smythe from Carrucuse Construction... the same Smythe who visited Cerde yesterday. It’s looking like Cerde is the one that’s behind it all.”
Ayayay, no capitals ever. Unless you're Terry Pratchet. Consider is with italics. I thought IS Smythe was an organization for a sec.

"Favour." OH WAIT A SEC. This is set in an English city/town, right? Is that why you have the English jargon? Are you, yourself, English? Hahahah. Sorry.

Then there is an interlude of great, realistic, and perfectly-tagged dialogue.

Quote: “My priority is to get you safely to the mines, and rescue that bloody Magician’s brother.” Galloway’s eyes looked fierce. “There’s no time to waste. Are you ready?” Wilson rubbed his eyes and looked at Galloway. He’d won the Inspector’s trust it seemed, but now Magnus’s role in all this had been brought into question. Amelia needed help, but was Galloway right to disregard her?

Here, the two "eyes" are too close together. Galloway's eyes look fierce and Wilson rubs his own. It's word clashing like this that can strip the reader out of your world and back to reality. Just always be conscience of overlapping words that have a strict signifigance (i.e. don't worry about two "the"'s in the same paragraph, haha).

And great way to end it with a cliffhanger!



Okay, let me synopsify this! On the whole, I think this was a very good chapter that kept my interest--and to think I am a reader who'd only read a 700-worded summary before embarking on Chapter 25! Your dialogue is almost spot on--if anything, I'd say your purposeful straying away from tags made a slight impression on your story. Let it be natural the first time, but on your edits take away anything unnecessary. Remember: don't be afraid to say "Wilson said". Sometimes it is more clear, anyway.

Your description is excellent as well. Sometimes I feel like you're trying to insert big words, but I doubt that's the case. Just remember, you can describe stuff (as I quoted) in few words and it can still be beautiful. Your job as the story teller is to be the communicator: you have to show us whatever in the time that you keep our interest. This is one of the easiest ways to keep interest. Keep it to the point, exciting, and beautiful.

I don't think that it went too fast at all. I think it was all very realistic with the "fog of war" idea continuing through this chapter. It had a beginning, middle, and an end--the entire thing was a separate story in itself. At the climax, it got to climax proportions--quick, just like it should. Just enough information was released when it should, so our scope was limited enough to want us to know more and yet didn't leave us in the dark.

Right now, I'd say the main problem with the story would be simple gramatical things (including tags) and general syntax. You are a story teller. And a damn good one! You gave us dynamic characters that can lead the story themselves; you gave us an intriguing plot; you spoonfed us action; and you topped it all off with meaning, morale, and lessons. Props to you.

I charged you .05 Fables a word for a mixed package. My reasoning is that you're my first customer, you're awful nice, and I don't really have anything to do with my Fables anyway! I added 5 Fables for the 700-worded synopsis. Your total charge is 111 Fables.

I hope you enjoyed this critique! Your story was very, very well done, and I definitely enjoyed reading it! Keep in mind realism, staying true to your story, and some syntax stuff, and you will be all set in the future.

I would also invite you to write a testimonial/comments for my thread, Fat Hairy Critiques. I appreciate your business, and PM me in the future if this was helpful! Thanks.

Sincerely,
FatHairyApe

PS--this crit was even longer than your chapter, haha.

[Crunchyfrog]

I can definitely recommend Fat Hairy Critiques. They show you what you've done right, and where you've gone wrong, giving suggestions for improvement.

They're reasonably priced, and excellent value whether you're getting a new storygame off the ground or polishing an established storygame.

Get yourself on the Fat Hairy waiting list now! It's well worth it.

:tu2:

[Argon18]

You can give An Angel's Destiny a shot at a critique.

I'll send you a PM with the details of what I was looking for in it.

I have the YouTube version to show flow of the action and the music, the Revver version to show how the text relates to the action and the text to show the details and the emotions that covered all the bases together. you can find it on my blog if you want to see the whole thing.

[FatHairyApe]

Hey, Argon. As of now I am extremely busy. I will PM you when the critiques + sg slow down and I have a little more time. Thanks for understanding!

[The Meaning Of Fear]

*Wanders in*

I could kinda use a crit for CH2 of my Doors to the Truth right now. You can ignore the prologue, but Chapter 1 is important (I guess) so I'll be paying the extra 5 fables.

Oh, and I'd like the complete package please. o-)

[TruePurple]

Shouldn't "The Whole Shibang" be slightly cheaper then either "just grammar" or "just story"? Usually you get a slight discount for package deals of anything in general. Plus its more efficient to do "The Whole Shibang" on one story then it is to say do grammar on one story and plot on another of similar length etc.