City of IF

[Guest]

Here's a story! Only the prologue. Sorry if it's too short!

Death. It was approaching fast as I lay on the cold flagstones of my former home. My eyes were darting around the glorious hall. The sun shining through the high-arched windows glared on my bleeding chest. I lay in a pool of blood, hearing the screams and yells of my love who was being held back by two guards. Just from her voice, you could tell she desperately wanted to be by my side. Preferably, dying beside me. We were to be married within the month.

I looked over to the eyes of my killer. He stood there shaking, the smoking gun on the floor at his feet. He was forced to shoot me, you could tell. No doubt forced by my father. His knees were shaking as he held onto my father for support. The guy never had a backbone. He was never fit for the crown.

My vision was blurring, but I noticed enough that the gun was picked up and pointed at me. Wasn't he satisfied that the bullet pierced my chest? Wasn't he glad that his eldest, the next in line for the crown was dying only a few meters from his feet? The trigger was pulled, and the bullet drove into the palm of my open hand. Apparently, he was not satisfied.

Slowly, I drew my bleeding hand to my bleeding chest. It was slowly getting harder to move and my vision was starting to blur. My hearing was fading away as well as my heartbeat. I was getting cold and shaking very badly despite the heavy black trench coat I was wearing. Words were being said, but I couldn't hear them against my ragged breath. I was dying, and there was nothing anyone could say or do. The only 2 people that even give me hope were either being restrained or scared out of their wits.

One of the cream colored walls was stained with my blood. That would be my last testament on this cruel and cursed life of mine. But of course, that would be cleaned up by morning no doubt. My father would pay the janitorial service much of the money my country needed, not what I wanted.

I could hear a tussle in the shadows and a scream. She had fought them off. Finally, a shed of hope for my life and this country. No doubt she would do everything in her power to save me, but this feeling welled up inside me as I noticed her standing right before my eyes. She was yelling something but I couldn’t hear her. She wanted me alive, but this feeling welled up inside me, like I wanted to die.

With my bleeding hand, I reached out and grabbed her ankle. Speech was long past me, I tried to tell her what I wanted with my eyes. She turned around quickly and kneeled by my body, Tears were welling up in her eyes as she looked at me. To see me die, it was like it was killing her as well. I didn’t want her to go to Hell with me, I wanted her to be in a better place when she died. I reached over and took her hand in mine, I squeezed it as hard as I could, with the last of my strength.

“Dominic, I promise. I promise that you would be remembered as a hero in this land,” she said through a raspy voice. She brought my hand against her cheek and she cried into it. “You will be a hero as long as I can come with you in death.”

She reached over my body and dug into my pants pocket, drawing out the knife given to me by her. She dropped my hand and unsheathed the knife. No, she wasn’t. She didn’t deserve to die, not like this. She looked out the window, where there was now a helicopter with the media, no doubt filming this for the news. Swiftly, she took the knife and slid against the smooth skin on her neck, slicing it open and deep. Her body crumpled on top of mine, her blood mixing in the pool of my blood.

My love had no chance, and my last hope was being dragged by my father. Walking away from the best thing that brought my country hope ever since my mother died. Why? Why did evil have to prevail? Why was my love now dead on top of my almost lifeless body? A thought crossed my mind before my last breath was drawn away from me.

There was still hope.

[Black Hawk]

Yay first post great prologue ducky I can't wait to read more

[Guest]

omg... I love it. I don't know the main theme yet of the story, but I know it will be a great read! Keep goin Ducky!

[Crunchyfrog]

Well written there, Ducky! Some good imagery. Echoing Harley that I can't see where this is going yet since the narrator seemingly has seconds to live at the end of the piece, but would be very interested to read more.

I noticed a few repetitions creeping in (a problem that trips me up frequently!) -

You mention in the third paragraph that his vision is starting to blur, and then you mention it again in the fourth.

Your fourth paragraph describes the narrators condition so well that you don't actually need to mention his blurring vision again, so you can delete the second instance.

In the fifth paragraph, you repeat the word 'slowly'. You could delete either one of them and you don't lose anything. Actually you could even get away with deleting both of these instances - again, the narrator's state is so well described by this point the slowness is a given.

Quote: I drew my bleeding hand to my bleeding chest This is where repetition works really well. I like this.

However, you mention grabbing the girlfriends ankle with the 'bleeding hand' again later on. Try showing that it's the injured hand he's using in a different way. For example, 'The blood from my hand smeared her ankle as I grabbed it.'

Of the rest - the only thing I noticed was there was no mention of any pain from the shot to the hand. Maybe he's past feeling it at that stage?

But these are minor minor niggles in what I think is a good bit of writing. :tu:

I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next. Good stuff!

o-)

[Reasoner]

I'm not a great author, or even a great critic, but I must say it is a very good start to what could possibly be a fine story. The only thing a can say is to give more information about the problem in the first chapter... but I'm pretty sure this was done on purpose. I will most likely read the first chapter...

[Guest]

Chapter 1: Vacation

It’s not easy being a crown prince to a whole nation. I mean, you have the whole world looking at you the way the media wants. You have responsibilities, big responsibilities that made you feel wonderful to have just a few days off. Of course you were never “on vacation” as one would say. I’m always escorted by a bodyguard and nearly everybody wants a picture of me. Plus, I can’t even look like I want. I have to get all dressed up to even take a step off the estate. I’d rather be walking around in sweat pants without a shirt, but no, I’m royalty. I have to look my best.

At least I didn’t have to look my best in the back of my limo. I sat there, cell phone in one hand, while the other hand was manipulating a towel through my wet hair. My suit was hung up beside me, just waiting to be put on. I myself was in a pair of wet swimming trunks, thanks to my uncle’s pool. My cell fell from my hand under the seat and I started to dry off the rest of my body thinking of my surprise “vacation.”

My father had come to me 3 days ago stating that the stress on my mother was too much. He wanted the family away to help her feel better. My little brother Damien was currently in France, and I was making the 5 hour trip from my Uncle Nathaniel’s to the estate of the Wilkinson family, where my girlfriend Rochelle currently resides with her parents. I started to think about her when I realized I wasn’t buttoning my shirt right.

I fixed my shirt, picked up the tie and threw it off to the side. It was only Rochelle, she would be impressed by me just spending time with her. I unbuttoned the top two buttons and reached in my travel bag. Time for a little hair gel to keep my cheekbone-length hair from frizzing. Lowering the partition between the driver, my bodyguard and myself, I dabbed a bit of gel in my hair and used the rearview mirror to make sure I looked alright.

“Lord Dominic, please sit back and put on your seatbelt now that you have properly changed,” my driver stated. I gave him a look and continued messing with my hair. “Please my Lord, we might get into a car accident.”

“There is a clear reason why you are driving my limo,” I stated with a European accent as I messed with my hair some more. “That reason is because you are the second best driver in all of Rathion.”

My driver kept his mouth shut. I noticed he smiled to himself. I could tell that he was a little depressed that I didn’t say he was the best. The best driver in my whole country was a woman by the name of Vanessa Books. This woman was 26, 4 years older than my self and often seen getting hit on by Damien who is 9 years younger than her. According to Damien, she looked like a hot supermodel about 20 years old. I couldn’t argue with that, I admit I have taken looks at Vanessa while she stood beside the limo for my parents in public. I have also noticed that she would look me over a few times too.

Making sure my hair was frizz-free, I raised the partition and lounged in the seat. Technically, I was supposed to be using proper etiquette in the car in case the media drove by. Whatever. The paparazzi still thinks I’m at my Uncle’s swimming my ass off. A wonderful media-free week was in my hands, a week that I’m spending some alone time with my girlfriend. But I wouldn't put it past the media to find out where I was.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep for what seemed like 5 minutes, that was really the rest of the trip to Rochelle’s. The sound of the tires on the gravel aroused my senses, making me alert to what was happening. The partition came down, and I saw the face of Jonathen, my bodyguard.

“My Lord, we have arrived,” he stated simply. I took in the afternoon sun bearing down on the brick building. A smile fell upon my lips as I saw my love standing there waiting for me. Jonathen must have warned her of my arrival.

Before the limo even came to a complete stop, I opened the door and ran to her. I embraced her in a hug and lifted her off her feet before she could bow down to me, which I hated very much. Setting her down, I brushed a strand of tawny hair from her face and looked her in her hazel eyes. Rochelle was so beautiful. Her hazel eyes, tawny hair and cute button nose along with tanned skin and slender body made me fall in love with her. Suited my father well, this relationship. Rochelle Wilkinson was a noble. The next family in line for the crown.

“Prince Dominic Marseille, my Lord. It is wonderful you are here,” she stated with a smile. I wove my fingers through the belt loops of her jeans. Nobles get to look relaxed, why not a prince? It wasn’t fair.

“Now how many times have I asked you to not call me Prince, or Lord, or Sir while we are in private?” I asked leading Rochelle down the front steps, my fingers tugging at her jeans. I emphasized the last word and glared at Jonathen to let him know I wanted to be alone. “Now I have been wanting to take a walk with you through the vineyard for months.”

I removed my fingers and entangled them with her fingers. We took off onto the vast grounds through a field of grapes. Walking between the 2 rows, I let the smell of the grapes fill my nostrils as Rochelle started to speak.

“So what is the deal with the surprise visit Dominic?” she asked stepping in front of me. I stopped in my tracks and looked at her smiling.

“Father decided to give us all time alone due Mother’s health status,” I explained staring off into the bright blue sky. I wasn’t going to lie to Rochelle. Soon enough all of Rathion would know that my mother was ill. I might as well give her a heads up I watched as she brought her hand to her mouth.

“Her Majesty? She’s ill? Oh my gosh Dominic, this jeopardizes your status for the crown!” she said in a slightly high voice.

“It’s more than likely stress my darling. Father just wanted to relieve her of Damien and myself,” hopefully Rochelle would just shut up at these words, and she did. She wrapped her arms around mine, hugging it close to her body. Damn it, whenever she did this, well I’ll just say we were finding someplace private very quickly.

We talked and walked for hours. Talked about anything and everything, walked wherever we wanted to. I felt like I had no duties, like I wasn’t the crown prince. This is why I liked spending time with Rochelle. She made me feel so… normal. That was until a crack and quick cry of pain as I felt her fall to9 the ground. A real chivalrous man I was, letting a woman fall to the ground. Nice going Dom.

“Rochelle, are you okay?” I asked kneeling down beside her at the river’s edge. She had stepped on a rock and broke the heel of her shoe. Why women wear high heels, I don’t know.

“Just get me back to the house so I can put ice on this,” she said trying to stand up. I picked her up and hoisted her on my back. She was light, but heavy enough to slow me down. I wasn’t going to let her know that. My love just injured herself physically, I didn’t need her pride hurt too.

I carried her through the vineyard back to house when we heard the roar of a motor coming fast. Night was falling now, and I looked up the lane. A single motorcycle made it’s way towards us quickly and Jonathen burst out the front door. He ran quickly towards me, gun drawn at the cyclist. The bike stopped 100 feet away and as the person got off it, I noticed instantly who it was. Vanessa Books.
“Lower your gun Jonathen. It’s only Miss Books,” I stated letting Rochelle off my back. I leaned her up against Jonathen as I walked towards Vanessa when she took off her helmet. “Explain what you are doing here Miss Books. You should be at the palace.”

“My Lord, Queen Charlotte has passed away. There was no answer on your phone when we tried to get a hold of you,” Vanessa stated, kneeling down on one knee and looking towards the ground.

There was only one thing I had to do. I had to get back to the palace as quick as I could and right now, the fastest thing would be Vanessa’s bike. I strode past her, got on the bike and turned the key in the ignition. I looked back at the shocked faces of Rochelle and Vanessa. Though I could swear Jonathen’s face looked amused. I shook that from my head as I sped into the evening. This was too much of a coincidence.

DP- I guess it's open



(I know it’s a bit short and the pace kind of changes a bit, but hey this is my first)

[Black Hawk]

very nice Ducky I didn't spot any typos but I'm not really good at that as for the DP I would have to say don't let on that you think/know that your father killed your mother but do a little investigating into the matter

[Guest]

I f5 Hawk. Dom investigates on his own the death of his mom. it is too much of a coincidence...

[Crunchyfrog]

Chapter is a good length, Ducky, no worries about that!

Dominic dropped his cellphone under the seat at the back of the limo. Is Jonathen looking amused because he found the cellphone whilst Dominic was walking in the grounds with Rochelle?

Anyways - apart from Rochelle, there doesn't seem to be anybody that he can go to at the moment - and given his status and high media profile he's not going to get very far on his own. If this isn't a coincidence then he can't trust anyone right now.

He needs to disguise himself, and then find a way of contacting his brother in France to see if he knows any more.

[Guest]

scratch what i said earlier. I say Dom goes into the palace blindly accusing his father of killing his mom.

[GodinJeans]

I take it him and his mother aren't very close. He sure brushed her death off quickly. But actually, I liked it since you didn't waste a whole paragraph about his grieving. Kept the story moving!

I smell a conspiracy. I f5 Crunchyfrog.

[Guest]

Poll's Up

[NeverNeverGirl]

Just wanted to let you know that i was reading and watching - i feel like i cant really vote on this at the moment because none of the DP choices feel very natural to me.

To me i like the 'almost' quality of the story. Your style is really developing and getting more depth and maturity to it. BUT i feel that you have fallen into a trap that most of us often find ourselves in - pacing.

slow it down. It might seem like its ULTRA important to get to the crux of the story asap but a good starting foundation, a feeling of familiarity with the character and their mind set - even the dynamics/personal history (albiet however brief) are tres important in getting the reader involved.

Take your time, feel it out, enjoy getting to know your character and his world.

I cant wait to see where you go with this...

Ne.

[msmelton]

wow duck u gat yerself a good story. i couldnt find ant spellin' mistakes and as for the DP- i think you should undercoverly investigate.