City of IF

[FatHairyApe]

Thanks for voting The Weatherwarden SGOTM for August 2008! On with the story!



Chapter Five
“D-do you f-f-feel that?” Raish asked. She placed a hand on her stomach. “That sort of dr-draining ac-ache feeling?”

I did. It felt as if my torso was a bottomless pit and all of my energy from my feet and my head were piling into this giant void. I didn’t know what to do to make it stop.

Raish hung her head. She knew what was wrong. I could feel it. Then again, I could also feel this awful ache, so I decided to sit down. Trying to orient myself, I looked around. We were in the middle of a giant clearing surrounded by enormous trees. There was a pile of rocks on one end and an opening in the foliage on the other.

“Dendrin,” Raish said, sitting next to me. We both rested backwards onto the ground, together, writhing in pain. She spoke behind clenched teeth. “I think I m-miight know why we have this de-delayed pain—I think it has t-to do with the magic.”

“What do you m-mean?” I asked. Suddenly I clenched my stomach tight. This pain did not stop. “Are—we n-not strong en-enough yet?”

“No,” she whispered, sitting up and looking down at me. “D-do you know about the realms system? We s-studied it in c-class. Realm-m-mology.”

“Huh? No?” I closed my eyes. It made me feel a little better. While Raish gathered her words, the pain was actually starting to go away. With relief, I sat upwards. Raish did the same.

“I feel a little better—how ‘bout you?” she asked me with a hand on my arm.

“Yeah, a l-little bit. It still kinda hurts.” My tongue stopped as my eyes were locked with hers. Breaking the bond, I added, “Tell me more about Realmology—wh-what’s the—ahh—what’s the deal?”

“Well, there’s more than just the realm that we live in. T-there’s another one that our realm surround-ds. In it, little magic ex-exists.”

“What?”

“Yeah,” she began. We both stood up, as the fresh air helped us feel a little better. “Look! Look at how the sky doesn’t-t glow the same way as ours? Notice how there’s just that l-lack of tingly?” Raish pointed upwards at her discovery. The clearing definitely did not have that unexplainable sting that I had encountered so often in Skyward. She heeled over for a moment, propping herself up with locked elbows and hands on her legs. After she had regained her strength, I answered.

“Yeah... it's... different.”

“Well, it’s a place where no o-one is born with the cap-capabilities of magic. The only magical essence that exists, I believe, is called Lo-Love. The people here can feel it without pain, though they cannot ma-manipulate it.”

“Do—do we feel it in o-our realm?” I asked. Hey, I might as well throw it out there, just in case Raish was feeling a certain way about me, if you know what I mean.

“Yes.”

“Ah,” I quickly replied, unwilling to have us slip into an awkward silence in a world to which we’d never ventured before. The pain was basically gone, and so my mind was attuned to getting out of possible awkward situations as fast as possible. “How could we have possibly fallen into this realm though? I mean, we never accidentally fall into the Realms of Never—you have to die to do that.”

“Not necessarily, Dendrin,” she countered. “I believe, though, that those spells take the shortest route at the fastest speed to get you to where you need to be. Remember how I said that it was magic done by Realm Keepers? They possess the ability to funnel through the realms. A Keeper knows no boundaries between realms.”

I didn’t want to say. I had never paid attention in any Realmology courses in school—heck, I didn’t even know if I had taken a Realmology course. I just absorbed what Raish said, because she was intelligent… and really… gorgeous.

“The thing that tipped me off was that-t pain we had, Dendrin.” She motioned her hands in circles, trying to find words while attempting to not think about the ache that was slowly dissipating. “In this realm, any magic done can be performed, but at a considerably higher price. In our home world, magic has a slight toll depending on amount. In the Realms of Never, the spirits themselves are magic, and there is no cost to existing.”

I looked around, still absorbing my surroundings. To think that I had never seen Fire, and yet today I was manipulating it. To think that I had never been on the earth of my own realm, and today I was on the soil of a realm I had never known about. And, above all, to think that there could be those who didn’t possess the ability to… perform magical acts… I couldn’t wrap my head around it all.

Raish seemed to be thinking the same thing. “We should rest,” she said. “We’ll discuss this more in the morning.”

I knew that she was pained and exhausted, and yet we didn’t have any tents, let alone bedding of sorts. The grass was very soft, unlike anything I had every felt. Individually, each blade was sharp to the touch at the point; however, if I ran my hand along it all, it was smooth and soft.

“Are you fine with just sleeping here?” I asked, trying to please her.

“I don’t think I have much of a choice, Dendrin,” she laughed.

Raish curled up in a ball, and I hugged her from the outside to keep her warm. It was odd to be cradled by this solid earth below us. In Skyward, we'd rest on pillows and tufts of wind. It did not feel like we were safe back in that realm--we were just napping and, technically, floating. Here, though, amid all of my questions, the soil kept me comforted.

Together, next to our giant orb of fire, we fell asleep in the new, magicless realm.



I woke up to Raish getting up. Both groggy, we yawned, stretched, and rubbed our eyes. Finally, after moments of grunting and mumbling, we were on our feet.

“Any idea where to go? We should go eat something and talk more about… our situation. And how to get out it,” Raish said.

“I guess our only hope is to go through the clearing in the trees and take the trail out of here,” I replied. The ball of fire must have extinguished overnight, but now everything was illuminated by the daylight. Ever since Raish pointed it out, though, I noticed that the rays didn't quite touch things like the light at Skyward did.

It was strange that I was not consumed in utter despair. In fact, when I thought of it some more, I even questioned my sanity. See, here I was in an entirely different realm—one where I didn’t know anything about the history, people, or anything. I had no idea how to get out, I had a mission that I had to complete for the sake of everything ever, and I—ahh, but for some reason, I knew everything would be okay. I guess I was just investing all of my hope in Raish, and I was perfectly okay with that.

We finally made it through the forest. Raish and I were filthy, stinky, and pretty tired, but we had to keep moving. Walking on such terrain was, albeit jolting at first, an incredibly experience. Empowering, raw, and tangible.

We saw civilization at the end of that path. It was wondrous.

There were stores everywhere, people everywhere, life everywhere! True, everything lacked that magic luster that was so present in Skyward, but the life made up for it. I didn’t see quarreling, and I didn’t see people using magic as shortcuts. They just existed as themselves.

And there were, what I later knew the name for, cars. Machines everywhere! There were colored orbs in the street that these automobiles obeyed; there were words flying through the sky, pulled by aeroplanes. It was like a scene out of a fairytale, except without the magic. This technology was their magic.

Raish had the great idea to go into one of the nearest stores and sit down. I agreed.

We entered some sort of coffee shop. Oddly enough, I could hear and understand everything that those inside were saying. A barista had asked us if we’d like anything; politely, we declined and then took a seat by a table with a nice vase of flowers and a flickering candle.

I had seen an equivalent to the wax candle. In Skywards, they'd imported harvested light from the fireflies. Sometimes it would be brought in the form of flaming candles.

“You tired?” Raished opened.

“Not very,” I replied, smiling. It was warm inside that shop. The smells of the freshly ground coffee (a delicacy I had only heard of) seemed to soak right into my skin. I was immersed in it, immersed in the whole ambiance of the store, too.

“Okay, Dendrin,” Raish said, imitating the hand clapping motion that Hiergo always did. I didn’t know if it was in jest or in admiration. “I think the most important thing to do is understand what is going on right now.” Carefully, she looked around, scoping out the situation.

I looked at our surroundings as well. It was obvious that everything was being done by hand, and that magic definitely did not exist here. Or at least, it existed in the forms that Raish had touched on. No one was listening, either, which is what I think Raish was worried about.

“I don’t know a lot, because I didn’t take it for that long, but I do know some stuff. Basically, Realms exist in a limitless amount of time and space; you couldn’t reach the ‘end’ of one. However, They are curved, spherical if you will, so their direction in certain positions on an axis matters." She paused. "So let's try to envision this."

I took the initiative. "There are the Realms of Never, the realm you and I were born in, and this one, right?"

"Yes," she replied. "And I think it might sort of be like a spectrum... Realms of Never is made up of spirits, which are almost completely non-physical. This place is almost completely non-magical. So, our realm must be somewhere in between."

“Maybe there's a reason why the ability to perform," I looked around and dropped my voice low, "magic," I brought it up to regular volume, "decreases as you go through the realms. If they're circled within one another, with the Realms of Never on the outside and this one on the inside, maybe there's something in the center that's... taking magic away."

"Or it could be like a decay of magic," Raish pondered. "Which I suppose would make sense. I think all the only magic that has passed the test of time here is raw magic, like Love and Hope. Otherwise, I don't think we'd feel as... optimistic about the situation." She laughed.

“Wait,” I interrupted, “raw magic. Doesn’t raw magic aid you in performed magic?”

“Yes. If you’re doing a spell for the first time, for example, if you are experiencing love in some way, it will help you do the spell correctly with less cost.”

It made sense. That was how I could do all of those spells for the first time! And maybe that was how Raish could do them too. Maybe we were both in love, and maybe—no. I couldn’t let myself stray to that. We had a plan, and we had a mission. After the fate of everything was secured, maybe I’d pursue Raish. I couldn’t get distracted, now.

“Okay, so some how we’re in this realm,” I said, starting up the conversation again.

“Yes. Ezekiel had some sort of Realm Keeper cast that teleportation enchantment on the dust that tried to bring us to the man with three eyes. I think something must gone wrong, and the spell couldn’t go quite the way. It might have hit a Dead Zone. Anyway, in its attempt to bring us along this realm in a form that didn’t require existence at the time, to the other side of our own world, it got stuck, so we lost the enchantment and fell back into reality. Here.”

“Realm Keepers guard Dead Zones, don't they? Because they are areas where the realms intersect, so, theoretically, you could cross them, right?” I asked Raish. Quickly, I moved my head to look around the coffee shop again. I noticed that the barista had been looking at us angrily. Probably because we didn’t order anything.

“Yes. So I suppose the only way we're going to get out of here is if we can find a Keeper and plead with him." Raish sighed.

I began to fiddle with the petals on the flower. They were soft, vibrant, and smelled good; however, they were not as silk, as colorful, and as odorous as the ones in Skyward. It was not as if I missed the flowers, specifically, there, but I think I became a little bit homesick. It was like a euphoria that I could not return to, because I knew that the best flowers existed in my own realm.

Raish’s eyes, in the lull of conversation, dipped to the candle between us. She was zoning out, probably because she was so tired. Without coherency, she moved a hand. Before I could stop her, she pulled the flame alone ever so close to her so that it lifted off its base of the candle and—

“Stop!” the barista screamed. “You there, stop!” she bellowed again, pointing to Raish.



Decision Point: What does the barista do?!



Hope you guys liked it! You guys chose, so now you’re tossed into an even MORE confusing storyline, haha. Stay with me! Please, post DP suggestions and post criticisms/critiques/etc. I love that stuff! Enjoy.

[Traveller]

Another great chapter...This one left me a little confused...but a good confused...confused as to how our heroes ended up here and what they need to do...as for the DP...perhaps the Barista is the Realm Keeper for this Realm and he notices Raish performing the magic with the flame...he either "arrests" (maybe not the best term for this) or assists them in finding their way back...keep it up...you definetley got my vote...T.

[Phantomfan]

Aye, well done Fath!
And an impressive timing too....

dp.... I would say that the bartista probably gets freaked out by this display of magic, so to say, and calls the police/some other kind of law enforcement, forcing the two to either make a rapid escape, or they find someone in that police force that can help them... not sure.

Anyways, good job!

[Scheherazade]

The barista doesn't seem overly freaked out to me; it's more like anger. It could be that this realm was purposefully purged of magic at some point in the distant past, perhaps after they learned of the elemental battle that destroyed all life in Dendrin's realm. In that case, it would make sense that he's a Realm Keeper or some other sort of enforcer of the no-magic rule (if anyone wanted to work past the barriers already in place).

I say he should blast them into some other dimension.

or possibly prison. or a prison realm? possibly with the three-eyed man in it as a warder, who eventually releases them and/or trains them, after some form of punishment.

[Crunchyfrog]

Nicely written, Fath.

Couple of points that meandered through my mind whilst reading this that you might want to consider...

At the beginning it isn't really clear what their environment is, and without going back to the previous chapter, there's no way of finding out. Consider rewriting the first paragraph intermingling what he can see with what he can feel. This dull, draining ache, he's never felt it before. What is it? As they lay back down on the ground, what does it feel like? What can they see around them?

Then he hears Raish saying - can you feel it too?


I found Raish's dialogue to be a little flat. You're using her character who has obviously paid more attention in classes to deliver explanations and theories about the effects of magic in this new realm, to explain what is happening to them. Although this is a useful tool, you're using it to the exlusion of all else, and much of the chapter feels like a lecture in the theories of magic. Raish is almost as much a novice as Dendrin is, and it would be too much of a coincidence for all her guesswork to be accurate, or even for Dendrin to believe it all.

As a result, this chapter is missing the excitement of discovering this realm, their sharing the experience of that discovery. It is a completely new world to them, and despite what they may have learned in class, the reality will never be the same.

Let this physical world 'happen' to them; describe their surroundings, how it feels on their skin, the smells, the sounds. How different are they to their home realm of Skyward?

For example, they're walking along a path - is this a normal thing for them to do in Skyward? Using comparisons with Skyward as they discover this new Realm will help reveal more about both realms at the same time, and the lives of the Weatherwardens themselves.

The image of life in this new Realm is a little sketchy. What does the 'civilization' look like? Is it a town? Is it technologically advanced? Medieval? Somewhere in between? Describing an era would mean nothing to Dendrin and Raish, but seeing and describing things through their eyes as they have never seen it before would give a refreshing perspective of a familiar world to your readers.

For example, show someone striking a match to light a candle - Raish and Dendrin may think this is a special type of magic... Have them guessing about what Realm they're in rather than Raish deducing from her theories and handing it to Dendrin on a plate.

If it is a modern world, show the machinery - there's been no mention of technology in Skyward, this in itself would be a completely new concept to them.


These are just suggestions... you don't have to take them up! :)

~ ~ ~

Anyways, on to the DP... :)


Raish isn't thinking straight, she's tired. She's performing magic in a realm which will cause great pain, and possibly permanent damage to herself. The Barista will see this, will note Dendrin's reaction too.

From the Barista's POV these two haven't ordered anything, they have no money, and one of them is about to freak out all her customers. I believe this is why she's telling her to stop.

I expect that the Barista's reaction will alert the customers that something is wrong, and she will end up evacuating the coffee shop - especially if Raish starts to suffer the consequences of her own magic.


(edits to add:) Leading on from Scheherezade's comment about the physical appearance of the Weatherwardens, this could also be the reason for the Barista getting a little jumpy. So if it's their appearance, the magic, or both, even more reason why she might evacuate the coffee shop.

Definitely a panic scene. :-o

[FatHairyApe]

Crunchyfrog wrote: Nicely written, Fath.

Couple of points that meandered through my mind whilst reading this that you might want to consider...

At the beginning it isn't really clear what their environment is, and without going back to the previous chapter, there's no way of finding out. Consider rewriting the first paragraph intermingling what he can see with what he can feel. This dull, draining ache, he's never felt it before. What is it? As they lay back down on the ground, what does it feel like? What can they see around them?

Then he hears Raish saying - can you feel it too?


I found Raish's dialogue to be a little flat. You're using her character who has obviously paid more attention in classes to deliver explanations and theories about the effects of magic in this new realm, to explain what is happening to them. Although this is a useful tool, you're using it to the exlusion of all else, and much of the chapter feels like a lecture in the theories of magic. Raish is almost as much a novice as Dendrin is, and it would be too much of a coincidence for all her guesswork to be accurate, or even for Dendrin to believe it all.

As a result, this chapter is missing the excitement of discovering this realm, their sharing the experience of that discovery. It is a completely new world to them, and despite what they may have learned in class, the reality will never be the same.

Let this physical world 'happen' to them; describe their surroundings, how it feels on their skin, the smells, the sounds. How different are they to their home realm of Skyward?

For example, they're walking along a path - is this a normal thing for them to do in Skyward? Using comparisons with Skyward as they discover this new Realm will help reveal more about both realms at the same time, and the lives of the Weatherwardens themselves.

The image of life in this new Realm is a little sketchy. What does the 'civilization' look like? Is it a town? Is it technologically advanced? Medieval? Somewhere in between? Describing an era would mean nothing to Dendrin and Raish, but seeing and describing things through their eyes as they have never seen it before would give a refreshing perspective of a familiar world to your readers.

For example, show someone striking a match to light a candle - Raish and Dendrin may think this is a special type of magic... Have them guessing about what Realm they're in rather than Raish deducing from her theories and handing it to Dendrin on a plate.

If it is a modern world, show the machinery - there's been no mention of technology in Skyward, this in itself would be a completely new concept to them.


These are just suggestions... you don't have to take them up! :)

~ ~ ~

Anyways, on to the DP... :)


Raish isn't thinking straight, she's tired. She's performing magic in a realm which will cause great pain, and possibly permanent damage to herself. The Barista will see this, will note Dendrin's reaction too.

From the Barista's POV these two haven't ordered anything, they have no money, and one of them is about to freak out all her customers. I believe this is why she's telling her to stop.

I expect that the Barista's reaction will alert the customers that something is wrong, and she will end up evacuating the coffee shop - especially if Raish starts to suffer the consequences of her own magic.


(edits to add:) Leading on from Scheherezade's comment about the physical appearance of the Weatherwardens, this could also be the reason for the Barista getting a little jumpy. So if it's their appearance, the magic, or both, even more reason why she might evacuate the coffee shop.

Definitely a panic scene. :-o

This is incredibly helpful!! You have no idea! Thank you for taking the time to write it. I'll go back in and rework the chapter.

See, the main problem I was faced with is that this community (like myself) has such an active imagination that sometimes it's hard to have a character who knows nothing! Haha. I suppose I need to adjust the pacing and just let it flow.

HOWEVER, I can't take back the knowledge you read in this chapter, so I'll just find a different way to release it. Thanks again.

Edit: I went in and reworked it. I showed you guys a bit more of what Dendrin is seeing, incorporated more of the wow factor of the realm, and made the analysis of where the hell they are a little more two-person'd. Now it is not so much Raish being like, "This is what's up, homies" and more of the two working together and figuring it out. I hope it seems more real and more exiting! Thanks again, and tell me what you think of the revised version :D

[Crunchyfrog]

A definite improvement! Their figuring it out together makes me feel more like I'm figuring it out with them, and Dendrin's interpretations of what he sees in the mortal realm are giving a much better impression of him as a character and of Skyward.

Good stuff, and I'm glad you found it useful!

:tu:

[Crunchyfrog]

*cough cough*

Just to let everyone know that FHA has sneaked in a poll and not told anyone. :P

[FatHairyApe]

I changed the Subject! Haha. When I spam the Inn they get angry :)

[FatHairyApe]

Someone break it! It's only for 2 days so break it fast, though :)

[DeadManWalking]

lol.

i just tied it.

[Crunchyfrog]

Congratulations FHA! :D (breaks tie again :? )

[FatHairyApe]

Thank you very much, Crunchy! It has been tied again! I should probably get an uneven number of Warden Lovers soon :)

[Alegria]

I'm now a reader. Officially.

Does that help with the ties???

[FatHairyApe]

Alegria wrote: I'm now a reader. Officially.

Does that help with the ties???

Yes it does! :) Thanks for the reads! Hope you'll enjoy WW in the future!

[FatHairyApe]

She, a Realm Keeper, assists them WON.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

Just started reading this, and I must say, it's mighty fine work.

However, as I worked my way through it I found a couple of things which just bothered me unreasonably:

Concerning chapter 2:

Quote: He passed right through all of the remaining Wind Peoples who had casted some sort of spell

I'm not 100% sure but I think cast is the past tense of itself.

Quote: As the intensity of your magic increases, the ware on your soul

wear.

A notable point that bothered me in chapter 2 is that, when the girl (whoever she was) got blown up, Dendrin didn't seem too upset, and it was quickly forgotten.

Concerning chapter 3:

Quote: This is why a Weatherwarden is essential: he is the one that control any bad [weather] no matter where it comes from.

The word within the brackets wasn't present in the sentence.

Quote: He wasn’t being serious—the time was now, and we were the ones to do it.

I kind of WTFed here. It might just be me but I seriously don't know what Dendrin is talking about.

Quote: As soon [as] nothing interrupted my vision except for that strange, moving eyeball, my field of vision suddenly changed.

Same thing with the word.

Concerning this chapter:

Quote: I couldn’t get distracted, now.

You don't really need the comma, but you can keep it if you want.

I've also noticed the chapters tend to be fairly short. It would be nice if you had slightly more description, if time allows.

Other than those minor errors (I'm fussy) this story is of high quality, and I'll be waiting excitedly for the next chapter. Sadly I missed the poll.

~Holds Breath~ :shock:

[FatHairyApe]

The Meaning Of Fear wrote: Just started reading this, and I must say, it's mighty fine work.

However, as I worked my way through it I found a couple of things which just bothered me unreasonably:

Concerning chapter 2:

Quote: He passed right through all of the remaining Wind Peoples who had casted some sort of spell

I'm not 100% sure but I think cast is the past tense of itself.

Quote: As the intensity of your magic increases, the ware on your soul

wear.

A notable point that bothered me in chapter 2 is that, when the girl (whoever she was) got blown up, Dendrin didn't seem too upset, and it was quickly forgotten.

Concerning chapter 3:

Quote: This is why a Weatherwarden is essential: he is the one that control any bad [weather] no matter where it comes from.

The word within the brackets wasn't present in the sentence.

Quote: He wasn’t being serious—the time was now, and we were the ones to do it.

I kind of WTFed here. It might just be me but I seriously don't know what Dendrin is talking about.

Quote: As soon [as] nothing interrupted my vision except for that strange, moving eyeball, my field of vision suddenly changed.

Same thing with the word.

Concerning this chapter:

Quote: I couldn’t get distracted, now.

You don't really need the comma, but you can keep it if you want.

I've also noticed the chapters tend to be fairly short. It would be nice if you had slightly more description, if time allows.

Other than those minor errors (I'm fussy) this story is of high quality, and I'll be waiting excitedly for the next chapter. Sadly I missed the poll.

~Holds Breath~ :shock:

Thanks for the comment! New chapter is in the works. Hopefully done this weekend. I'll address your comments:

You're right about cast. My bad. I'll fix that soon. Same with wear.

Regarding the girl that died--she was really, really annoying. Dendrin's a teenager boy. He doesn't reallllly understand death and decay, and it didn't bother him as much as it shocked him; the entire essence of the murderous tribe took his full attention.

I will fix the Weatherwarden sentence. I think the word should actually be element, as Weathewardens technically have powers that extend past weather in the sense we think of.

Your WTF comment made me LOL. Literally. I'll look at that.

As noted.

Regarding the , now, you are precisely right. I am a fond advocate of commas, and if they're only slightly necessary, I will use them! Regarding its syntax: "I couldn't get distracted now." almost implies that this time, now, he couldn't get distracted--maybe as opposed to last time. However, the sentence needs to mean he could not get distracted at this moment, regardless of comparison; thus, the comma is used to install a sense of time.

Thanks again!