City of IF

tinman · Joined: 05 Sep 2008 Posts: 5

Removed

Christalnightshade · Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 10:19 pm Post subject:

Haha! Hey nice. I like it. Just wondering didi the name bryce pop into your head, becuase once it happened to me. lol only I spelled it like this > Brice. Much like rice. Is this a prologue? or the beginning of the chapter?

How about "I sure wish for some miracle to happen, right about now" Or, "I sure wish life didn't have to suck" or "I sure wish that I knew what the medallion is for"

tinman · Joined: 05 Sep 2008 Posts: 5

Actually Bryce is my son's name.

I suppose you could call this a means to the beginning.

I am hoping for some feedback, it's much more fun when others play along.

See we need the first wish, before he even discovers that wishes may indeed come true.

tinman · Joined: 05 Sep 2008 Posts: 5

I suppose I could help on this first one, just to get the ball rolling.

NeverNeverGirl · Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:31 am Post subject:

Hi Tinman. Sorry that you haven't gotten the replies that you wanted - that really sucks*! but never fear the readers are here!

A tip for storygames (and forum posting stories in general) is to keep the paragraphs a little shorter - ease of reading is optimum :)

Start a new paragraph everytime you start a new subject or an event begins. Like the feathers rushing past him as he tries to open the door - this is a perfect example.

Watch your tenses, this is a minor thing that trips most of us up - we get caught up in our writing and forget its was not were or some such thing. Just reread it, out loud is a great way to pick up on these grammatical things, and you will probably find the few minor slips.

Another formatting tip is to drop any speech to a new line.. this makes it easier to read and it helps the reader differentiate speech from narrative text and also to differentiate between speakers.

i like the way you describe the walk bryce takes, its descriptive without being bogged down in details - imparting what the reader needs to know to set the mood and allowing them to fill in the blanks a little themselves.

and i would have suggested (for the DP) ...'I sure wish that my best friend had moved here too' and then mentioned that to match the current tone of the story i would have his best friends parents die suddenly and he comes to live with Bryces family - thus Bryce gets his wish - but at a great cost.

keep it up - i think with the few adjustments i mentioned that you will be soaring along in No time at all!

*i would recommend waiting at least a week - as more often than not some of the older Ifians don't get to check in daily as they would like too. Wait a week for readers and comments, run your poll a week and then so the cycle continues... :D

Mattheus · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 34

I agree with NeverNeverGirl, I think that his wish should be "I wish my friends were here" or "I wish that I could make some friends".

Looking forward to reading more

The White Blacksmith · Joined: 02 Apr 2006 Posts: 2409

tinman wrote: Most of us at some point in our lives have pretended we found a magic lamp, or thought about how cool it would be to have wishes. The ability to acquire what we want just by thinking it. Imagine if you will all the things you would wish for, money, power, love. What would be your first wish?

Moving to a new house is scary for anyone, moving to a new state when your 12 years old is downright horrifying. New surroundings, new friends, new school, is hard enough. If you have trouble making friends, the thought is unbearable.

Ok. This is a good start, but I agree with NeNe. You need to check it through any make it easier to read. There are also a couple of grammatical errors as well, but nothing that's not fixable. I'll go through this first it to get you started.

First of all, separate the introduction from the story. (green)

Secondly, check it all through for spelling mistakes (particularly your/you're or there/their), even the intro. (red)

Next, check plural and singular, as well as could/would (although this one depends) and past/present. (violet)

Then break up any sentences or paragraphs that look too long (read these out loud, and only put in breaths where you've written them).

Finally, check where commas go and re-read it for anything that sounds odd. (I've highlighted these in blue, but not changed them)

Quote: Most of us at some point in our lives have pretended we found a magic lamp, or thought about how cool it would be to have wishes. The ability to acquire what we want just by thinking it. Imagine if you will all the things you could wish for, money, power, love. What would be your first wish?

__________________________

Moving to a new house is scary for anyone, moving to a new state when you're 12 years old is downright horrifying. New surroundings, new friends, new school, is hard enough. If you have trouble making friends, the thought is unbearable.

However, the plot seems good, and the Dp is very good.

I would have voted for the 'making friends' option, which is good because it won! But put a twist on it, so that his new friends won't leave him alone or that they're all girls (who want to be more than friends) or something.

tinman · Joined: 05 Sep 2008 Posts: 5

Thanks but no thanks for all the negative comments. I didn't realize this was the professional writers guild.

The White Blacksmith · Joined: 02 Apr 2006 Posts: 2409

It's not a profession writer's guild. We're trying to help you improve your story, not chase you away.

tinman · Joined: 05 Sep 2008 Posts: 5

What little feedback I was given, was negative. Not the most encouraging welcome I have ever gotten. At least my publisher still likes my work. Just to add (your) means a possession, (you're) is you are, so my grammar was correct.

Christalnightshade · Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 5:59 am Post subject:

Hey! I actaully liked the story! We're not all that good with expalining alot about stories. So, If you ever plan on posting it again or any other story expect negative and positive. People actaully liked your story. I think it was quite descriptive and I liked the way you used your sons name in the story. I think it was good trying to write a story based on your son. Please tell me you won't give up on writing here. Were only trying to help you. They were doing kindness to you, just in a weird way. I had to get use to it too. So I just want you to understand how we are trying to help you out. And welcome to this place! (if your staying)

Nightshade