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HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

[removed on request by author]

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

Okay, so heres the deal. He is going to help the dude with the sister is. Fate has already decided that. The only problem is how, and why. How does the dude convince him to help him, and why does he decide to do it.

scissorkitty · Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 791 Location: Bottom of a teapot

Great start!

I noticed a few errors here and there, but definitely nothing major. You have a great writing style! Just a few suggestions:

Quote: We sat that way fro some time longer before my father decided to speak again. "Me and your mother met when we were not much older than yourself. "

"You must understand why, that is the only reason I am telling you this. "

I would use "your mother and I" instead, and I might rephrase that last part into something more like, "The only reason I'm telling you this is so you understand why you must stop this from happening to other people."

I'm excited to see where else this story goes! As for the DP, maybe the dude plays on our protagonist's vanity, pointing out that expanding his "safe territory" would make him a better hero. Or, maybe the dude leads our hero on a chase, by causing some petty crime in the "safe area" and then leading him to where the sister is?[/quote]

Chinaren · Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8566 Location: Tome

Well written Halfy.

Mmm, I'd say that the gang do something on his turf too, but escape, and hence it becomes his problem.

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3875

Okay. His father wanted him to be a hero. He's just performed a heroic act outside of his street, but he made an error of judgement. He's less likely to want to bother again after that experience.

So he turns around and the guy from the diner is right behind him. He has to change his tack - the story about helping his sister won't work now. Instead he says if he wants to be a hero, he'll show him how to do it 'right'.

This is a very good start. It makes you want to read more, stops just at the right place and has good ideas for players to draw from to form their suggestions for the DP.

Keep it up, and welcome to IF! :welcome:

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

Ok cool, we got some ideas now. I'll create a poll when I get back from work, so if you have any last minute ideas quickly put them down.

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3875

...and voted! :D

Smee · Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5202 Location: UK

Oh I like this one! A hero story. Very appropriate reading for me right now, I'm enjoying a recent return to a game that entertained me last year - City of Heroes (and Villains ;) ).

Yes, comments about your style are very correct. There's an easy flow to it that feels very natural, and easy to read. It drew me to the end before I even realised it.

Your introduction gave enough information, without it being forced on me, and it didn't outstay its welcome, moving swiftly to the main story.

Voted for vanity. It might not be personal vanity, but he certainly has a pride for his street. I think than vanity can be played on.

Keep this one coming!

Happy Writing :)

Alegria · Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:38 am Post subject:

Nice. I like the premise- he's not really a hero, he's more of an antihero.

This SG (and your writing) has great potential-- nice flow, natural sounding dialogue, and an interesting idea. The only thing I really found that upset the SG at all was a missing caplitilized word.

Oh, and one other tip. In a story like this, don't be afraid to use contractions in dialogue (I noticed a couple spots where I though contractions would sound a little more natural). Dialogue doesn't have to have perfect grammar, as long as it adds to the character.

Welcome to IF and I can't wait to read more!

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

Alegria wrote: The only thing I really found that upset the SG at all was a missing caplitilized word.

Could you point out where? I normally don't proofread anything I write, I wrote it on paper and then typed it up really fast. Anything that I didn't see while typing didn't get fixed.

Alegria · Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 3:50 pm Post subject:

Crap, I can't find it now, but I remember it was the word "you."

There's a good chance it could have been after a comma, though, and I just wasn't paying much attention...

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

I found it. There was supposed to be a comma before it, but I had accidentally put a period there.

DeadManWalking · Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 5:05 pm Post subject:

hey, just found this. Pretty awesome!

You have a pretty cynical hero, which to me has always been a lot more interesting than any knight in shining armor. (unfortunately for me, all i can do is Knights in Shining armors and peasant boys who came from kings)

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

DeadManWalking wrote: (unfortunately for me, all i can do is Knights in Shining armors and peasant boys who came from kings)

I wish I could write fantasy stories. I used to only read/write fantasy, but now I can do neither. For some reason I can't stand fantasy anymore.

DeadManWalking · Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 9:30 pm Post subject:

:scared:

No Fantasy?

None at all? :cry:

Perhaps you should give it another try with The Hunt, a story about a man who finds himself trapped in world of his own design. Link's in the sig.

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

Expect a new chapter by the end of the week. I've been very busy lately, and haven't gotten a chance to write it yet. But I think I will have some free time tomorrow.

Smee · Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5202 Location: UK

*taps foot impatiently* ;)

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3875

Yes, hurry up, there! :D

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

[removed on request by author]

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

Sorry about how long it took for me to write this, I have been half done for a while now but was to busy to finish it. It won't happen for the chapters to come hopefully.

Okay, so what happens next? Come up with your ideas, make them as broad or as detailed as you want, post them and then I'll make a poll.

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3875

A very good read. :tu:

A few typos - Not listing all of them here I'm sure you'll find them all on another reading -

I was along - (alone) The dress looked plan - (plain) It seemed they Midnight Rangers - (the)

Hmm. What happens next? Well the police are corrupt, but a burning body will bring their attention. I think the sound of sirens just a little too soon to be credible will have him running away from the scene, and from John, into the next sticky situation. :)

Smee · Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5202 Location: UK

First things first... I'd like to see some warnings at the top of each chapter please. We can't stop little kiddies reading violent/mature stuff, but we do what we can.

Now that's out the way, I can take off the mayoral hat and just be a player in this most intriguing Storygame. After his angelic visitation I think our hero is going to need some time to reflect and get to grips with himself. His emotions will be fragile, torn between the violence he's just dished out, and deep down enjoyment of violence, balanced between following what the angel wanted, and her divine form, and his promise to his father. Stomping back to his alley, I think he'll give way to a torrent of emotions, perhaps smashing things up in a fit of anger, followed by desolated sobbing, and perhaps even reaching out to self harm again but failing at the last second at a mental reminder of the angel.

Longer term, all in all I think he's going to lose it for a bit, and in the meantime his 'streets' have a crime spree. Waking up from his desolation, he will be shocked at the state of his streets and angry at the pitiful humanity causing it. If his father wanted a hero for the people, then a hero they will get. But sometimes people need saving from themselves, even if that takes some painful bruises to realise!

Lady of the Shadows · Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 2:16 am Post subject:

Wow, wow and more WOW!

A little violent, a little dark, but Oh. My. God!

I can't wait for the next chapter! I barely knew I was finished! *stares glumly at the wall, wanting the next chapter now*.

As for the DP, I think that he seems just a little indifferent and unfeeling (except with his angel), so maybe his shell cracks open and he starts to feel the pain of everyone he's hurt/killed, perhaps through nightmares. He's guilty, and so he makes a break for somewhere else. I liked Smee's idea of crime in his street.

Basically, his life is falling apart. For a slightly longer term, his new town fails as well after his next heroic deed. Meanwhile, rumours are spreading, mainly about a mysterious but deadly hero (the protagonist), which is starting to build up his fame and fulfilling his father's wish.

Phew, that was long-winded. Sorry about that. Keep up the good work.

Head Eater · Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:29 am Post subject:

Thisssss sssstorygame isss mossst worthy.

Your sssskull isss sssafe tonight.

scissorkitty · Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 791 Location: Bottom of a teapot

Great chapter, Half! I'm glad to see this one back on the books! I noticed a few spelling errors and things like that.. a quick proof-read would most likely catch most of them. A few stood out for me, so I've highlighted them below, along with a few turns of phrase that might be helpful:

HalfEmptyHero wrote: the wolf eat the shepard.
.. shepherd. But i LOVE this analogy!!

Quote: I refused to chain my routine on his account though.
.. change my routine.

Quote:
I sat down across from him and stared at the news whie I waited for Joe to bring me my order. He seemed a little surprised, and clearly was expecting me to be sitting somewhere else. It wouldn't take him long for him to learn just who he was dealing with.
I might specify that you're talking about the punk here, instead of the chef.

Quote:
I watched him leave and then headed back to my alley. My body was quivering in temptation;
I might use "quivering in anticipation" instead.. temptation sounds a little off, here.

The fight scene was really nicely done! I would like to see a little more detail in there.. what's your character feeling as he attacks those men: each one, not just the general rage?

As a final comment, I do notice that you tend to use really short sentances, and you start quite a few of them with "and" or "but". Generally, this is something you want to avoid, as it's really more of something you tack on to a previous statement.

Great job again, though! Very enjoyable.. I'm interested to see what happens in chapter three!

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

scissorkitty wrote:
HalfEmptyHero wrote: the wolf eat the shepard.
.. shepherd. But i LOVE this analogy!!

This was originally done by accident but when I noticed it I thought it sounded cool and decided to keep it.

As for the short sentences, I've never noticed it before. I don't proofread my stories, the closest thing I do to that is typing it up really fast (I write it on paper first) and I do not pay attention to what I actually wrote. I spell check it (which I forgot to do with this last chapter since I didn't notice I had turned off the redlines underneath) but that's it. But it's simply my style, especially when I am writing in first person.

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

The pole is up.

On a side note...

I christen thee... 'Solace'

DeadManWalking · Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 6:53 pm Post subject:

Sorry, totally forgot about this and just recently caught up. Too bad i missed suggestion phase.

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3875

When's the next chapter? :)

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

I'm hoping I'll get it done today.

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

[removed on request by author]

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

Okay, and as for the dp...

What role shall this new girl play?

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3875

Wow, so now we see the beginnings of his transformation into a hero. I like the way with each of your chapters you have a couple of paragraphs reflecting on the guy's past, and then weave it somehow into what is happening in the present.

In fact I thought it was a brilliant chapter, up until after the point he got a shave. After that it seemed much too rushed, as if you were bored with that section and just wanted to get through it. I couldn't even visualise what he did once he got back to his own territory, it was so quick.

The rushing of it is also reflected in some of the typos, which are more numerous towards the end. Give it a quick run through - there are a few missing words, periods where there should be question marks, and so on.

You need to get into the habit of putting warnings up on top of any chapter that contains violence and/or strong language - particularly important should your SG get nominated for Storygame of the Month (which if you keep your writing consistently top-notch there is a good likelihood ;) )

So, nitpicking aside, the role of the girl. Hmmm.

She's someone he knew from his childhood, and we know already that she's a damn good runner and has a job as a journalist.

I think she'll be the brains behind his fledgling heroic campaign, but first she needs to provide him with a solid base from which to operate. And when I mean solid, I mean bricks and mortar, not cardboard!

The White Blacksmith · Joined: 02 Apr 2006 Posts: 2629

Well, she's the love interest, obviously.

I don't think she knows what he is, at the moment. Since she's a journalist, I'm going to apply a stereotype and say she's looking for a story, and when he bumped into her she was actually looking for information about the mysterious homeless man who attacks crimimals. Would he happen to know anything about it?

If he thinks that she doesn't like the idea of this violent vagabond, he is not likely to tell her who it is. Thus you have a story.

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

Crunchyfrog wrote:
In fact I thought it was a brilliant chapter, up until after the point he got a shave. After that it seemed much too rushed, as if you were bored with that section and just wanted to get through it. I couldn't even visualise what he did once he got back to his own territory, it was so quick.

The rushing of it is also reflected in some of the typos, which are more numerous towards the end. Give it a quick run through - there are a few missing words, periods where there should be question marks, and so on.

I don't remember being rushed, although it is very well possible that I did hurry it along a little (I honestly can't remember). As for the missing words, typos, etc., that one is easy to explain. I tried to save some time by not hand writing the chapter first, as I normally do. I do all my correcting and stuff when I am typing it, so this time I relied completely on spell/grammar check (I'm utterly shocked that it could fail this much).

I plan on writing it by hand, and then typing it again but my normally busy week is completely full this week. So we shall see.

Oh, and good ideas both of you.

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

I forgot to put up the poll earlier :(

Chinaren · Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8566 Location: Tome

uM. Drunk as I am, I think you need to go over th last chapter and do some fixing...

Take this para for xample...

Quote: I ran as fast as I could, but it wasn't fast enough. No matter how fast I ran I could not escape her. She had always been faster than me, this was something she always managed to remind me every time we met. She was a year younger than me but at this time she was several inches taller than me allowing her to stretch her legs much farther than mine

If you use contractions it reads easier...

could not --> couldn't

She had --> She'd

remind me every time --> remind me of

Quote: She was a year younger than me but at this time she was several...

Reads a bit peculiar an' all. Mebe now ?

Quote: fell head first into a roll.

..as long as it was whole grain... Okay, kow what yo mean but soudns a bit funny.

Shit. Sory, too drunk to carry on.

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

Chinaren wrote:
remind me every time --> remind me of

I could be wrong, but I don't think the preposition 'of' is needed in this sentence. I tried to search on google, but I had no idea what to search for. While 'of' would work here, I don't feel awkward saying it without 'of.' I changed it nonetheless.

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3875

I think Mr. Ren was on the tipple last night. ;) Still, I can't believe this SG still only has two votes. This is a good SG, people!

HeH - get yourself to the Shameless Advertising thread in the Open Forum!

:D

HalfEmptyHero · Joined: 16 Feb 2009 Posts: 246 Location: Deep in thought.

Decided to change the title, this one fits more appropriately I think.