Storygames Home City of IF
Free online storygaming
 

Jokes
Click here to go to the original topic

 
       Storygames Home -> The Funny Bone: Jokes and Humorous Pics
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
D-Lotus



Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:57 pm    Post subject: Jokes  

Not because of a case of failing memory, but rather out of a duty to posterity, I am recording within this thread some of my funny thoughts. Some people may even consider them jokes.

When Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, the man on the moon filed suit for trespassing.

The invisible man's vanity drove him into a long plastic surgery operation with no discernable results.

The paper doll was confronted by a dilemma; he could either freeze to death in the wild, or build a fire.

As a means of precaution, the chocolate castle was moved away from the orphanage.

The book was so old that it was even out-of-date for worms.

In the annual reunion of mythical creatures, only the phoenix dared taunt the dragon's fiery breath.

The proud wine, unconscious of its poisoning, took it as a personal criticism when the victim dropped dead.

The rash was embarassed, so it blushed.*

Have you heard of the giant giant? What about the liliputian liliputian?

The Camembert cheese had body odor issues.**

The unfortunate worm regretted his lack of attention when he discovered that the apple was actually Rudolf's nose.

Fortunately, as an adolescent, the devil's complexion hid his pimples.

The sun and the moon are God's testicles. What are they doing swinging back and forth over the earth- are we missing the big picture?
____________
*This joke is a bit rash
**This joke stinks!

I you considered any of these as other than meaningless and confuddling, pray tell! It would greatly encourage me to post any more thoughts I have. Bear in mind that I will be updating this first post rather than posting further. Also, if you have any of your own jokes you'd like to share, go ahead.

If you would like to complain about the indecency of this thread, or complain to me about the ill-example I am providing with my distasteful wit, I will gladly listen you. Simply send me a letter to this address:

Lousy Complaint, c/o Moron Watch, 6666 Imbecility St., Baghdad, Hell.

Thank-you for your painstakingly intense efforts in aiding me improve myself and my jokes. :D
Back to top  
Guest






Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:31 am    Post subject:  

I never spurted milk from my nose, but Coca cola yes and that hurt!! alot!! -nightshade

Me, No I haven't.
Back to top  
The White Blacksmith



Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 2629

Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:46 am    Post subject:  

Does apple juice count?
Back to top  
Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8791
Location: http://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 12:22 am    Post subject:  

You want jokes? You want jokes? You can't handle the jokes in...


Career:

What NOT to put on your CV:

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

”Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

Adult

<Censored>

Religion.

The Pope is taking a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to empty his scrotal sacs, and this is one of these occasions. Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.
This picture is my lottery win,” says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life.” So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replies the Pope. "TWO MILLION QUID!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."


Sports

“Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams..."
* Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia.

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"
* Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.

"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence."
* NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered"
* George Best.

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
* Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.

Men & Women


Subject: If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules":

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.



Sayings, quotes and one-liners..…


The feet you step on today may be connected to the behind you kiss tomorrow.

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

If you want your refrigerator's icemaker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?


Misc

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know,” the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."


Just a small taster from...

Back to top  
D-Lotus



Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 5:15 pm    Post subject:  

I had heard the last one before, but the quote by George Best really cracked me up.

Keep 'em up, Cren. Anyone else, feel welcome to contribute any of your own jokes.

Here's another one:

A man looks in his wardrobe searching for his coat. He discovers a box he has never noticed before. The box contains three eggs and 100 one dollar bills. He asks his wife about it.

"Honey, what is this box?"

"I've hid it there during the twenty years of our marriage. I didn't want to embarass you." she said

"Why would three eggs embarass me?" he asks, perplexed.

"Everytime we made love, and it was... inadequate, I put an egg inside the box." she replies.

"Well, three eggs in 20 years isn't so bad! What about the 100 one dollar bills?" asks the husband.

"Everytime I had a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar..."
Back to top  
Bookwizard



Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 639
Location: Gallifrey

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 8:49 pm    Post subject:  

I put yes, only once though, all over are "important" guests :-o, but that was a very long time ago. :lol:
Back to top  
The Meaning Of Fear



Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:05 pm    Post subject:  

I saw someone spurt water thrrough their nose, which I'll describe in detail below, but never milk...

Details:

Class has just been walking around in steep paths. Class is tired.

Teacher: Let's take a break!

Student 1: Water is life! (Starts chugging down water from a bottle)

Student 2: (Says something weird/funny)

Student 1 blows water out through his nose and onto student 2.

That was actually a true event. I saw it with me own eyes.

Here's a joke:

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there he sees billions of clocks everywhere around. Confused, he asks god about the clocks.

"Well, my child" says god, "these clocks measurwe the lives of people! And whenever you lie it goes foward one second."

The dead man thinks for a second and asks about George Bush's clock.

God replies "It's down in hell. Satan is using it for a fan"
Back to top  
Masterweaver



Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Posts: 1463
Location: Look around

Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:46 pm    Post subject:  

A chicken, a turkey, and a leprechaun are all playing poker. The leprechaun glances around and says, "I'm in the wrong joke!"

A pixie, an elf, and a parrot are walking through the woods. The elf asks the parrot, "What are you doing here?" The parrot cocks his head and begins, "Well, you know how parrots have four tows on each foot, and like two feet or so?" The pixie, who has now become interested in this strange bird, replies, "I am well aware of that. I don't understand the point." The parrot jabs a wing at the previous joke and says, "The punchline was going to be peices of eight."

A red guy with horns walks into a cafe and kills everybody but Insert Name Here. He then glances at a paper and comments, "Whoops, got the orders reversed."

The readers start pelting the comedian with criticism, and he is upset.
Back to top  
The White Blacksmith



Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 2629

Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 11:08 am    Post subject:  

Masterweaver wrote: The readers start pelting the comedian with criticism, and he is upset.

Are we allowed to do that? Your other jokes were rubbish.
Back to top  
The Meaning Of Fear



Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 5:08 pm    Post subject:  

The White Blacksmith wrote: Masterweaver wrote: The readers start pelting the comedian with criticism, and he is upset.

Are we allowed to do that? Your other jokes were rubbish.

Agreed.

That was my joke, by the way. ;)
Back to top  
D-Lotus



Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 6:56 pm    Post subject:  

Lamentable, MW; nonetheless, let's not be judgmental... at least his were original, unlike my next joke, which many people have heard before. Even so, here it is for those of you who haven't.

Two friends are arguing about baseball; one of them wonders whether there is baseball in heaven. After much discussion, they agree that if one of them should reach heaven first, he should come down from the stars and communicate to the other the news that baseball indeed exists in heaven.

Years pass, and finally one of the two friends dies. A few days go by when suddenly the deceased friend appears to the other.

"You're here!" exclaimed the man still alive. "So tell me, was I right? Is there baseball in heaven?"

"I have good news and bad news for you," says the apparition, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you are scheduled to bat next week."
Back to top  
sparta12



Joined: 24 Jan 2005
Posts: 1201
Location: Victoria, Australia

Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:55 pm    Post subject:  

A Joke Is A Very Serious Thing! - Winston Churchill
Back to top  
The Meaning Of Fear



Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:29 pm    Post subject:  

D-Lotus wrote: Lamentable, MW; nonetheless, let's not be judgmental... at least his were original, unlike my next joke, which many people have heard before. Even so, here it is for those of you who haven't.

Two friends are arguing about baseball; one of them wonders whether there is baseball in heaven. After much discussion, they agree that if one of them should reach heaven first, he should come down from the stars and communicate to the other the news that baseball indeed exists in heaven.

Years pass, and finally one of the two friends dies. A few days go by when suddenly the deceased friend appears to the other.

"You're here!" exclaimed the man still alive. "So tell me, was I right? Is there baseball in heaven?"

"I have good news and bad news for you," says the apparition, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you are scheduled to bat next week."

*Tries hard not to have a heart attack from laughing*
Back to top  
sparta12



Joined: 24 Jan 2005
Posts: 1201
Location: Victoria, Australia

Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 5:18 am    Post subject:  

Here's a racy one:
What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking binge?
"I freed WHO!?!"
Back to top  
PopeAlessandrosXVIII



Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Sun Feb 20, 2011 3:19 am    Post subject: Oh boy...  

I just decided to see what was at the bottom of the last page of the open forum...and found this! I am stunned that such a vital part of human life has been neglected for so long! So, I am here to resurect it!!! Prepare for my onslaught of Jokes I have gathered through out the years from my vast Joke Book collection!*And perhaps many I've only heard by word of mouth*

--The height of Hillbilly sophistication is illustrated by the Hillbilly who sat next to the little old lady in the bus. He scratched himself leisurely, pulled off his shoes and two-week-old socks, wiped his nose accross the back of his hand and calmly asked, "Ma'am, do you mind if I smoke?"

--Marrage: It's like sitting in a bathtub...once you get used to it, it's not so HOT!

--Why did the man climb to the roof of the fast food restaurant? They told him the meal was on the house!

--If fruit comes from a fruit tree, what kind of tree does a chicken come from? A poul-tree!

--Julie: Why are you running?
Ben: I'm trying to stop a fight.
Julie: Between whom?
Ben: Between me and the guy who's chasing me!

--Sister: Haven't you finished that alphabet soup yet?
Brother: Not yet. I'm only up to the K's.

--Why did the mama monster scold her son for eating people? He was suppose to save his dessert for last!

--A young monster nervously approached his girlfriend's father. "Sir," he said cautiosly, "I've come to ask for your daughter's hand." "Nonsense," said the monster father. "Either you take all of her, or just forget about it!"

--Elix-ir, noun: The act of a male mammal, of lapping any specific female with his tongue. "My dog wakes my daughter up every mornin'. He jumps on her bed and elixir face."

--What do you do with a giant blue monster? Cheer it up!

--What is brown, has a hump, and lives at the North Pole? A lost camel!

Time for blonde hits.....

--How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes on her shoulder pads!

--What do you call a blonde with brown dyed hair? Artificial Intelligence!

--A Blonde, a brunett, and a red head are driving down the road with several sacks of potatoes in the back seat. Suddenly, the car breaks down. As they're standing around trying to figure out what to do, they see headlights comming their way. Fearing that it may be a bad person, they each empty out a sack and climb in, settling into the back seat. A nice old man stops by the stalled car, and gets out to investigate, seeing no one around, he inspects the car. Spying the sacks, he gets curious and pokes one. It's the red head. Thinking fast, she goes "Meow, meow." The old man goes "Awww. some one abandoned some poor kittens!" He pokes the second one. It's the brunett. She responds with, "Wuff, wuff." Feeling even worse, he laments, "Poor puppies..." Reaching out, he prods the last bag. It's the blonde. Taking a deep breath, she goes, "Pooootaaaatooooes."

:P well, those were fun! Now, to wrap it all up, some funny quotes!

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity-and I'm not sure about the former."-Albert Einstein

"It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value."-Stephen Hawking

"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Insted of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit thier views."-Doctor Who

"Amoebas at the start
Were not complex
They tore themselves appart
And started sex."-Arthur Guiterman

"Give me chastity and continence...but not just now!"-St. Augustine

"The reason so many woman fake orgasm, is so many men fake foreplay."-Graffiti

Well, I hope you all enjoy this little explosion of jokes. I know some were really bad, but they're suppose to be, so there! I hope this gets up and running again soon! Enjoy!
Back to top  
Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:45 pm    Post subject:  

I enjoyed those Pope, and thanks for waking up this thread... didn't even know it was here to be honest with you! :lol:
Back to top  
PopeAlessandrosXVIII



Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 8:53 pm    Post subject: Next  

Well! Time to open my old joke books again! hope you all enjoy!
_______________

--The phone rang and a Hillbilly rushed out of bed to answer it. "I'm sorry, you'll have to call the weather bureau for that information," he said. "Who was that dear?" his wife asked. "Oh, just some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

--A Hillbilly called on a sergeon and told him he had been given a handsome set of cuff links for his birthday but did not own a single shirt with french cuffs. "Why did you come to me?" asked the doctor. "I'd like to get my wrists pierced," the Hillbilly replied.

--Doctor: What's the trouble?
Kangaroo: I've been feeling a little jumpy lately.

--Father Kangaroo: Where's the baby?
Mother Kangaroo: Oh no! My pocket's been picked!

--Boy Monster: You have the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen!
Girl Monster: You really like them? Here, you wear them for a while so I can see how they look!

--Reporter: Did you enjoy the rock band, Mr. Werewolf?
Mr. Werewolf: Yes. The drummer was a little tough, but the rest were delicious!

--Rec-ti-fy, adj, and conj. To supose inebriation after continuing consumption. "No thanks barkeep. I'll be completely rectify have another drink.

--Paul: a man who was seven feet tall and fifty inches wide worked behind the counter at a candt store. What did he weigh?
Doug: I don't know. What?
Paul: Candy

--Laurie: Our dog is lost!
Steve: Oh no! You'd better put an add in the paper!
Laurie: What for? He can't read!

--Where are the best tacos served? The Gulp of Mexico!

--Which foods get to go to the best collages? The grade A foods!

Now for the funny quotes! I can't think of any jokes off the top of my head right now, so I'll write up two tomorrow!

"It is better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression thaa you're stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."-Rami Belson

"Some scientists claim that ydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say that there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe."- Frank Zappa

"I finaly had an orgasm...and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind."- Woody Allen

"I wanted to give a woman comfortable clothes that would flow with her body. A woman is clostest to being naked when she is well dressed."- Coco Chanel

Well, I hope you all get a laugh from this little excirp from my joke collection. May you all be in stitches until next time!
Back to top  
PopeAlessandrosXVIII



Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 7:13 am    Post subject: Jokes!  

YO! You all ready for another batch? Well, even if yer not, here they are anyways!

______

--A drunk Hillbilly was sitting in a bar, crying like a baby. A guy walked up and asked what was wrong. "I did a terrible thing tonight," Sniffed the drunk. "I sold my wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
"That's terrible," said the other guy, "and now she's gone, you wish you had her back."
"That's right," said the drunk, still sniffing.
"You're sorry you sold her because you realized too late that you love her."
"No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm thirsty again."

--What's the monster's favorite school subject? Home eccccccch!

--WHat do you call a monster in the classroom? A creature teacher!

--George: Look! I just found a lost football!
Louis: How do you know it's lost?
George: Because the kids down the street are still looking for it!

--Sister: Why is it you get into more trouble than anyone else in the family?
Brother: I guess it's because I get up first!

--What's red, has a tail, and hums? An electric radish!

--How does a monster count to seventeen? On it's fingers!

--What has a thousand ears, but can't hear? A corn field!

--What food can never become heavyweight champion of the world? A lollipop - It always gets licked!

--Ex-pend, noun and verb, One's former spouse on a buying spree. "Dang! You should see my expend money!"

My turn, lesee....Blonde bashing!

--A blonde and her boyfriend decide to change the color of their front room. They go out and buy the paints, but now it's time for the hubby to go to work. He tells her to wait until he gets back before starting on the painting. She gets huffy, thinking he doesn't think she can do it. After a little spat, he tells her fine, she can go ahead and do it.
After work, he comes home, dreding the inevitable mess. Peeking inside, he's astounded to see a beautifuly painted room. Walking furthur in, he sees his girlfriend in the corner, just finishing up. SHe turns to look at him, and asks why he's looking at her funny. He replies, "Hunny, the paint job's great, but why are you wearing all your winter jackets?"
Huffing slightly, she responds, "Well, I read the instuctions carefully, and it said 'For best results, put on several coats!'"


Now, for some funny quotes!

"A word to the wise ain't necessary-it's thestupid ones that need the advice."- Bill Cosby

"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."- Will Rogers

"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean, and the sex was dirty."- George Burns

"The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs."- D. H. Lawrence
Back to top  
 
       Storygames Home -> The Funny Bone: Jokes and Humorous Pics
Page 1 of 1


Powered by phpBB Search Engine Indexer
Powered by phpBB 2.0.16 © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group