City of IF

Klafarius · Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 5:31 pm Post subject:

Sorry DMW but I have only finished half of the last DP. As for the editing, my wife usually helps me with all of that considering it is one of my weak points. As you could probably guess though she has been just a tad bit occupied lately. :blink: Although she did say that when she gets some time she will go through and do a better job than I did. :clap: I just wanted to get the next part out there for you guys to enjoy because I had such a fun time writing it! :big:

Thunderbird · Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 8:14 pm Post subject:

All's I meant was that he seemed to be using a bigger gun than was necessary. Surely, if he had such dirt on the Major, he'd want to save that for something even more serious. Furthermore, I'd think, if he had such dirt to use, he'd probably have more. But then, maybe he does! :-o I wasn't trying to say it wasn't believable, just that it seemed to suggest there's a little more to our protagonist than meets the eye to the reader or to the Major, something that perhaps the Master Sergeant knows and wishes to exploit.

And don't take my little crit's too seriously Klaf... just hoping to assist a fellow author in growing a little. There's hardly any crit any of us could give that we haven't, at some point, heard ourselves and been thankful for.

Klafarius · Posted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 11:48 am Post subject:

No problem Thunder! I'm not upset or anything. I appreciate any crits I get, I was just explaining that my wife does a way better job than me!

As for the Major, Master Sergeant, and Jack...if you haven't already guessed in this story it's all for one and one for none. No one does anything thing without a reason. We just have to wait to find out what that reason is.

Amichan · Posted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 6:00 pm Post subject:

this chapter is very well thought out and one hell of a descriptive Fight scene i was very impressed with the detial.. However i do have to agree with T-bird on the notion that you really havn't left us with a solid DP so that should be kept in mind

Klafarius · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 6:54 pm Post subject:

Welcome to the first ever Biv-Wacked! Writers Block Special DP. This is where me, as the author, turns to you the readers for help!

My problem is this. Why does Master Sergeant Dinwiddie want Jack so badly?

I've had so many scenario's going through my mind that I can not decide which one is better. So the solution to me is simple. I don't choose. I will instead leave it up to you.

Since this is a special DP it deserves special treatment.

1. These will be the only DP's in the storyline where I as the Author will participate and cast a vote.

2. The individual who comes up with the winning decision in the poll will receive 100 fables as a prize.

Good Luck and don't forget the Character Competition is still going on.

Amichan · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 7:11 pm Post subject:

reason the Sergent wants him is his platoon is simple . Jack just kicked the hell out of 5 soldiers and his speed is that of an olympic runner in combat ( covers just about 147 feet of ground in one minute ) that kind of speed can help take out many fortifications and many enemies plus the seargent could have answers for Jack that could help explain his situation and enable him to cope with things as they develop in later chapters

DeadManWalking · Joined: 24 May 2006 Posts: 1005

I'd say that at this point, there really isn't much else to suggest. Although, just to suggest something different:

Jack is completely unimportant to him. This is just the start of a larger political movement, and Dinwiddie is a major player in it. He uses Jack to show that he has dirt on the Major without making it seem like he's telling the Major he's got dirt just for that reason. This is a warning to people who oppose his group; these people know things, and will use them. Plus, people will start to focus on Jack, wondering why he's so important, when in reality he isn't.

Thunderbird · Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 4:10 am Post subject:

Nice. How about this:

Din has been instructed, by a much higher up, to select the best of the best from his teams upon completion of training. He tags their records so they can then go on to a training camp that is highly secretive, for the elite of the elite. Most who attempt to undergo said training course die in the rigors of the training, but if any of them can survive and go on to become the supreme soldiers the course will turn them into, then the Sgt that tagged them is awarded a nice payout and a ticket to a better assignment. This little competition has been going on among a good fellas group which the Master Sergeant is a part of but the major is terribly ignorant of, and it is also said group that has assisted the Sgt in obtaining this dirt, and much more, to use against those who aren't in their secretive club.

The White Blacksmith · Joined: 02 Apr 2006 Posts: 2629

Jack is actually Din's son. Din's been watching him for years, but never dared to get close to him.

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

He's a biv-whack - whatever that is. He's there by accident, under someone else's identity. And that is an asset for what Dinwiddie has in mind. Which is undercover stuff.

That or it gives him license to experiment on him. Strength enhancing experiments, like.

Sorry that's all I could come up with. :)

Klafarius · Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 7:27 pm Post subject:

Dinwiddie is an old acquaintance of Jacks from a few years back. Jack and a few other people were working a job when everything went south, only Dinwiddie got caught. While Dinwiddie harbors no particular animosity toward Jack, he is willing to play a rather big card to make sure he is the one to use Jacks varied talents for his own beneficial means as opposed to someone else exploiting them.

(Biv-Wacked: Formerly known as Shanghaied. To be put by trickery into an undesirable position.)

Klafarius · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:21 pm Post subject:

Alright Poll is Up and Running for four days. I had to piece together the suggestions for the polls, so If you want more details on each one please see the specific post from the thread. Each sumbission is labeled with the posters Name.

If my suggestion is chosen then the next highest polled suggestion gets the prize.

Good Luck to all and thanks for all your help!

Thunderbird · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:29 pm Post subject:

Tough Poll... a lot of good options there, all interesting... I'm gonna wait a bit to see where things lean so my vote isn't wasted.

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

Interesting symmetry in the poll results so far!

Klafarius · Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 1:38 pm Post subject:

Results are in :
Biv-Wacked! Writers Block Special Poll
Jack just kicked the hell out of 5 soldiers and his speed is that of an olympic runner in combat ( covers just about 147 feet of ground in one minute ) that kind of speed can help take out many fortifications. -Kang
16% [ 1 ]
Jack is completely unimportant to him. This is just the start of a larger political movement, and Dinwiddie is a major player in it. -DMW
33% [ 2 ]
Din has been instructed, by a much higher up, to select the best of the best from his teams upon completion of training. He tags their records so they can then go on to a training camp that is highly secretive, for the elite of the elite. -Thunderbird
0% [ 0 ]
Jack is actually Din's son. Din's been watching him for years, but never dared to get close to him. -The White Blacksmith
0% [ 0 ]
He's a biv-whack - whatever that is. He's there by accident, under someone else's identity. And that is an asset for what Dinwiddie has in mind. Which is undercover stuff.That or it gives him license to experiment on him. -Crunchy
33% [ 2 ]
Dinwiddie is an old acquaintance of Jacks from a few years back. Jack and a few other people were working a job when everything went south, only Dinwiddie got caught. Dinwiddie harbors no particular animosity toward Jack. -Klaf
16% [ 1 ]

Total Votes : 6
Who Voted: ChoKiba, Crunchyfrog, DeadManWalking, Klafarius, The White Blacksmith, vgmaster

We have a TIE between Deadmanwalking and Crunchyfrog! So now I have to figure out a tiebreaker. :oops:

Amichan · Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 4:08 pm Post subject:

I have you covered.... even though I have my own opinion in the polls i kinda like Crunchy's idea so i'll cast my vote for Crunchy's Tie Broken!!!

Klafarius · Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 12:22 am Post subject:

Kang wrote: I have you covered.... even though I have my own opinion in the polls i kinda like Crunchy's idea so i'll cast my vote for Crunchy's Tie Broken!!!

What do you guys say? Do we accept Kang's vote as the tie breaker?

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

You're the Author, it's your decision.

And I'm of course, biased in this case. :D

ChoKiba · Posted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 11:33 am Post subject:

I'm with Kang (and Crunch :P )
It sounds like a good idea, but as Crunch said, you are the author!

Thunderbird · Posted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 11:43 am Post subject:

Agreed... take the ball and run with it as you will.

Klafarius · Posted: Sun Nov 15, 2009 7:31 pm Post subject:

Alright! I have decided to accept Kang's vote for Crunchy's entry for the DP. Congratulations to all participants in the Writers Block DP! I hope to have the next part out soon!

Amichan · Posted: Sun Nov 15, 2009 10:48 pm Post subject:

thank you for the consideration

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

Haha, I LOVE Dinwiddie.

Hope the next part is coming soon!

:D

Klafarius · Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 12:01 am Post subject:

Okay guys I know you have been waiting patiently for the next Biv-Wacked installment however do to the shear amount of deception going on around Jack I have decided that this chapter (Which has been going on for two months now. I know, I know) is going to have to be split into three parts. I am currently in the process of typing up the second part and I hope to have it out before the New Year. I have found myself with only a little bit of time lately to focus on my writing but I am hoping that after the holidays things will settle back down and I can get back to my routine.

Klafarius · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 9:23 pm Post subject:

Let me start this off by saying that while the holidays are great for getting together with family and friends they are hell on writers. Especially writers that have day jobs or classes. For me throw in a 3 month baby, a move to a new town, the death of a wicked grandmother, and a pre-planned trip to New York and it is a recipe for a whole lotta nothing. *Sigh* Needless to say that I have not forgotten my story and I have an entire week to myself, so i am going to work diligently and try to get part 2 out by the end of this week. Although It might be a bit on the rough side.

Muaddib · Joined: 31 Dec 2004 Posts: 1765

Great story so far!

I especially like the way you use the decision points to keep the story interesting. Can't wait to see more. Congratulations on the baby!

Smee · Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK

*Gasp* Is that a Paul, returned from the desert! :-o

Muaddib · Joined: 31 Dec 2004 Posts: 1765

:D Smee! Yes it is....I'm trying to get used to the new format. Some great new writers on this site though.

DeadManWalking · Joined: 24 May 2006 Posts: 1005

Klafarius · Posted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 6:15 pm Post subject:

Okay. I've had it. Because I still have not found enough time to finish typing this dang thing here is what I have so far and we will just call it a teaser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 2 *Teaser*

When Jack regained consciousness yet again, the xylophone playing toddler in his head had apparently decided to join a duet. The pain throbbing at his temples was so horrendous that despite himself tears welled up in his eyes and began to flow freely down his cheeks. Moments later a soft, cool wash cloth was placed over his forehead, the sting of a micro-needle on the back of his hand, and the soft crooning of a woman’s voice told him that everything would be okay.

A few minutes later the pain again dulled to an annoying ache. As he slowly opened his eyes Nurse Jayla’s face came into focus and her lovely brown eyes threatened to drink him in. Jack admired her moist lips and tried to memorize the gentle curve of her jaw line. Then surprising both of them Jack proposed to this healing goddess of modern medical practice. Smiling Jayla wiped the tear streaks from his face with the now warm wash cloth.

“If I had a fable for every time I have heard those words from a concussed man I would be the Princess.” She winked at Jack then turned and looked over her shoulder. “Master Sergeant, he’s awake.” Despite the medication a stern voice jolted through Jacks medicated head.

“Good. Can he sit up?” Nurse Jayla helped Jack into a sitting position on the small couch the two AFP’s had unceremoniously and literally dropped his limp body on. Finally in the upright and semi swaying position Jack was faced toward an older gray haired man with a tanned and slightly wrinkled face. It was his eyes though that really caught Jacks attention. He had only ever seen eyes like the man he sat in front of one other time and that was when he had the unfortunate luck to cross paths with an assassin. Cold, calculating, wary, and deadly. Although this man was apparently more interested in some sort of photographs than knifing him in his sleep.

“Is he going to live?” asked Dinwiddie not taking his eyes off of the photos.

“Unfortunately for him, yes. I’m going to have one of the attending’s prescribe a pain killer for his head and an ointment for the abrasions. They should be delivered by messenger in about an hour.” Jayla said gathering up various instruments and packing them back into a medical bag. “If something changes have someone ring the infirmary.” She closed the bag, gave a little wave and another wink to Jack then left leaving feverish mental pictures slide showing through Jacks mind.

Sliding the pictures into an old fashioned paper envelope and setting them on the desk, He stood and came around to the front of the desk to sit in front of Jack. He sat staring at Jack for a long moment.

“You are either one hell of a risk taker or your just plain stupid.” said Dinwiddie. “Your damn lucky I tranq’ed you before you got too far outside the gate.”
~~~

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

There's that strangely familiar currency again! :D Looking forward to seeing the rest of this very soon.

:)

Muaddib · Joined: 31 Dec 2004 Posts: 1765

No more? :(

Klafarius · Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 6:32 pm Post subject:

Hello...Hello...Anyone still out there? Hello....Hrm Well...

Okay I've been away for a little longer than planned due to life changing circumstances...But I have returned. *Imagine fanfare Here* Yeah...So I plan on dusting off my old notes and continuing on...Soon...hopefully...Yeah...Bye now.

Thunderbird · Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 8:11 pm Post subject:

:shock:
Klafarius?!? Welcome back old friend! A blast from the past indeed... Wow... what's going on here? We're having an odd overnight revival it seems, from those I least expected to see any time soon, but am pleased to welcome back, nevertheless! So we're gonna get more BIV!?! Wicked cool!

Heck, you started this story 'bout the same week I started Heavy Metal, didn't you?

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

Klaf! Wooohoooo!

Welcome back!

PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 4:40 am Post subject: I Think......

Yo! Nice to see some old blood! I may only be half a year old, but I love to see the ancestors appear once again here in IF. *Bows*

Now to the story...

AWESOME! Nice going with the millitary assholyness, and very stimulating writing. I've always loved the tough love to the extreme behind the millitary ideal. (Full Metal Jacket is one of my fav movies) *Grins* Just let your mind flow, put on some good non-distracting tunes, and let go of reality for a time. That's how I get my writing groove on. :P Don't get bogged down by what you have written, and just belt out what comes to mind!

*Smiles and waves at kid* Cute kid! Keep up with the excelent story!

Klafarius · Posted: Sun May 08, 2011 1:02 am Post subject:

Chapter 3 Part 2
***

When Jack regained consciousness yet again, the xylophone playing toddler in his head had apparently decided to join a duet. The pain throbbing at his temples was so horrendous that despite himself tears welled up in his eyes and began to flow freely down his cheeks. Moments later a soft, cool wash cloth was placed over his forehead, the sting of a micro-needle on the back of his hand, and the soft crooning of a woman’s voice told him that everything would be okay.

A few minutes later the pain again dulled to an annoying ache. As he slowly opened his eyes Nurse Jayla’s face came into focus and her lovely brown eyes threatened to drink him in. Jack admired her moist lips and tried to memorize the gentle curve of her jaw line. Then surprising both of them Jack proposed to this healing goddess of modern medical practice. Smiling Jayla wiped the tear streaks from his face with the now warm wash cloth.

“If I had a fable for every time I have heard those words from a concussed man I would be the Princess.” She winked at Jack then turned and looked over her shoulder. “Master Sergeant, he’s awake.” Despite the medication a stern voice jolted through Jacks medicated head.

“Good. Can he sit up?” Nurse Jayla helped Jack into a sitting position on the small couch the two AFP’s had unceremoniously and literally dropped his limp body on. Finally in the upright and semi swaying position Jack was faced toward an older gray haired man with a tanned and slightly wrinkled face. It was his eyes though that really caught Jacks attention. He had only ever seen eyes like the man he sat in front of one other time and that was when he had the unfortunate luck to cross paths with an assassin. The eyes were cold, calculating, wary, and deadly. Luckily for him this man was apparently more interested in some sort of photographs than knifing him in his sleep.

“Is he going to live?” asked Dinwiddie not taking his eyes off of the photos.

“Unfortunately for him, yes. I’m going to have one of the attending Physicians prescribe a pain killer for his head and an ointment for the abrasions. They should be delivered by messenger in about an hour.” Jayla said, gathering up various instruments and packing them back into a medical bag. “If something changes have someone ring the infirmary.” She closed the bag, gave a little wave and another wink to Jack then left leaving feverish mental pictures parading through Jacks mind. Who knew a woman could look so damn sexy in medical scrubs.

The man slowly slid the pictures into an old fashioned paper envelope and setting them on the desk; he stood, came around to the front of the desk to sit in front of Jack and stared for a long moment.

“You are either one hell of a risk taker or your just plain stupid.” said Dinwiddie. “Your damn lucky I tranq’ed you before you got too far outside the gate.”

“Yeah, why is that?” asked Jack none too politely while trying to remain upright. Dinwiddie walked to the window directly behind his desk and pushed a control that negated the light filter and gave way to an orange and yellow sunset. Dinwiddie pointed to the two gun turrets mounted on each side of the walkthrough gate.

“What the hell do you think those are for? Keeping people out?” Dinwiddie pushed another control to darken the window again and moved back to the front of the desk. “When you were brought in you were implanted with a sub dermal transponder for three reasons. The first is so that the bozo’s operations can keep track of your whereabouts during complex and highly volatile missions, the second it monitors and transmits essential vital statistics about your current fighting condition, and lastly it controls your access to various parts of this base most notably the entrance and egress points.” Dinwiddie smiled. “Basically it means you can’t run, you can’t hide, and it also tells us if you’re dead.

Jack glared at the man. “So I’m fucking stuck here.”

Dinwiddie nodded. “That pretty much sums it up.”

“What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit.” Yelled Jack bolting upright off of the couch and launching himself at Dinwiddie who casually knocked Jack’s legs from underneath him; sending him sprawling to the concrete floor.

“You’re here now and all that concerns me is that you follow my orders and besides I could make it well worth your while.” Dinwiddie walked around the desk to sit in his chair again.

“What do you mean?” asked Jack cautiously picking himself up off the floor and planting himself back onto the couch.

“I run a sort of side business here. Suffice it to say that I take care of situations that certain wealthy and very powerful people, who would rather not use or trust the corrupt legal system, need taken care of. I do this in exchange for payment on completion of services rendered, divided between the certain talented individuals who assist with the work. I personally couldn’t give a rat’s ass about you but my current employer has a task which is a perfect fit to utilize your menial talent.”

Jack scowled. “Which talent is that?”

Dinwiddie smiled slowly while looking Jack squarely in the eyes. “Espionage.”

For the first time all day Jack found himself truly scared and in an instant Jack’s demeanor changed from angry and indignant defiance to cool and deadly wariness. No one knew about his past, he had made undoubtedly sure about that.

“Ahhhhh.” Said Dinwiddie picking up another folder off of his desk and tossing it into Jack’s lap. “You are not the first son of a bitch to change your appearance and go by an alias. Although I will admit you are one of the few who actually stay under the radar most of the time. Isn’t that right Cadzerandolf. Jack opened the folder and glanced at the first page which showed an abbreviated history of his whereabouts over the past few years as well as his criminal history.

“I left the business and I’m not going to do it again.” Said Jack pushing the pain aside in his mind so he could focus on a slightly fuzzy Dinwiddie.

“I told you once kid that one day you were going to wake up and realize that what you want to do and what you’re going to do are two different things and either don’t fucking interest me. Only the job and the pay interest me.” Jack stared open mouthed, memories from a past life coming to the forefront of his vision, surfacing like a giant leviathan awoken after a few millennia sleep. “No fucking way…you…you can’t be…he’s dead.” Dinwiddie smiled slowly.

“BOO!” Dinwiddie lunged forward and was satisfied when Jack jumped and tried to bury himself farther into the cushions on the couch. “I told you that you were not the only one to successfully disappear.” Dinwiddie sat back down and folded his hands over his head. “Look, I didn’t spend good money on getting you here for a reunion, I have a problem and until recently I could not for the life of me figure out how I was going to solve it.” Dinwiddie smiled again.

“You’re an asshole Eric.” Growled Jack “And to think I even sent flowers to your funeral.”

“Look, it wasn’t your fault the job went south and to be honest I was ready for a change of pace.” Dinwiddie shook his head. “I need your help Caz and frankly you’re the only one I know I can trust to make sure the jobs that I need get done. The operation that I’m a part of here is legit, black ops type of shit. I’ve had four of my best people killed and I’ve been ordered to find the problem and fix it. I need your help and from what I’ve heard you could use a change of pace. Jesus Christ man! What’s with the wimpy pussed out act you’ve been doing lately anyway.”

Jack ran a hand over his bruised and abraded face. “Dunno, something to try I guess.” He stood and gingerly paced the small room. “How did you find me anyway?”

Dinwiddie laughed “You crossed the street when I was on the way to an important meeting. Then I made a few inquiries around town and there you have it.” Jack stopped and stared.

“That’s it?”

“Yep.”

“No way out of this?”

“Nope.”

“All right, what’s the order?” asked Jack sitting back down on the couch.

“First, quit the pussy act. Second, I’ll need your equipment list. I’ve already started gathering some of the stuff I knew you would need from what I remember of the good ole days. Third, I’m in charge. No if, ands, or buts about it. Orders come from no one except me with out a verification phrase known only to the two of us for confirmation. Exceptions are of course other ranking officers within your normal military duties with heavy emphasis on normal. We are ghosts, not officially sanctioned by the military.”

“Then who does sanction us? You said this is legit.”

Dinwiddie thought for a few moments before answering. “The Queens themselves.”

Jack laughed out loud then regretted it as his laughter turned to yelps of pain. “Ow…Yeah, right. The Queens. Does Santa Claus sign our checks?”

Dinwiddie stood and rounded the desk, touched a spot on the back of his right hand and a small holograph of the seal of the Royal Court appeared in front of Jack. “Verify Ident. Wolf Zero One.” The holograph changed and Jack’s mouth dropped open again.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Jack stared at the badge floating in front of him. “You’re a Royal Guard! This is a story I have got to hear!”

“Dinwiddie shook his head. “Later. Are you in?”

Jack thought about it for a long while. “Steady Pay?”

“Regular salary provided by the AF supplemented by bonuses from the various jobs we get done. Nothing over the top mind you but enough to comfortably live off of.”

“Give me two good reasons why I should.”

“I’ll kill you where you stand then hide the body where no one will ever find it. The second is that you really don’t have any reason not to. No family, hardly any friends and no girl friend or boy friend. It’s been awhile since I knew that much about you to guess. Oh, yeah and of course you have no money to speak of.”

Jack nodded slightly. “You do realize that once my head quits pounding I’m going to kick your ass from here to next Friday.”

Dinwiddie laughed and slapped Jack on the back causing him to wince in pain. “Welcome to the Armed Forces Recruit.”
***

I know there are some issues with punctuation and a few other things. But I just wanted to get this out there. I'll go over it better later. No DP Yet as there is still a part three which deals with the Character Contest Winner.

Thunderbird · Posted: Sun May 08, 2011 10:37 am Post subject:

I'm impressed. Hardly a touch of rust in there... if anything I think your writing improved a bit over your time in the void, not that it was bad to begin with or anything. I really enjoyed this. Some very intriguing plot elements shaping together and a convincing manner of pulling our protag around to seeing that he needs to fall in line (though I suspect he'll be looking for some ways to rebel silently unless he finds he really agrees with the political motives of his superiors.)

So yeah, homerun man! Excellent read.

PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Mon May 09, 2011 1:49 am Post subject: I Think......

This is a truly fun story to read. I really feel our hero's frustration and angst, even though you spend very little time on the actual "feeling" part.....Wish I could do that....

Anyway, I'm glad this got it's swift kick in the keester, and I can't wait for more to come! And you start learing to wear a jacket so we don't have any more paternal sebaticals. :P Just poking, welcome back!

PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 2:31 am Post subject: Poke

*Pooookes* Awwwww....You vanished on us again! I wanna sees more!