City of IF

[BStheGreat]

[deleted]

[BStheGreat]

So, what happens next?

[Crunchyfrog]

An intriguing and (but for a few grammatical and punctuation bloopers) well written story. Your narrating style appeals to me, and suits the main character and his occupation.

l also like the phrasing in some of the dialogue.


Here are a couple of examples of the slip-ups...

Quote: “None of your concern, old man. Be on your way, in a direction that is not our own.” Said the apparent leader. - Even if a person has finished a sentence, if you are following it with a speech tag, end his line with a comma and start the speech tag without a capital letter.

For example:

"None of your concern, old man. Be on your way, in a direction that is not our own," said the apparent leader.

Quote: “What is your name, sorcerer, and to what extend is your relations with the criminal conjurer we do seek.” This is a question, so put a question mark at the end.

Also I think you meant 'extent' rather than 'extend'.

All the other slip-ups I spotted were of similar types to the above.




Anyway, on to the DP. Well, this Narrator is an intriguing character, but even more intriguing is the person he stopped the soldiers from following. All we know of him is that he interests the Narrator, and that he is a murderer, another Wizard at that, (the soldiers call him a conjurer) and he possibly has a price on his head.

That might mean that he will be dangerous for the Narrator to get too close to. He might also want to disguise himself - in case there were any witnesses to the events in the prologue, and also perhaps disguise the fact that he is a Wizard. He may also want more information about the person he's following, so he might want to explore the town and talk to a few people first.

[BStheGreat]

Thanks for the error catches.

I guess I need to explain things a little bit, as this story could potentially be very confusing. After the * * * it is not the narrator speaking, it is in fact the man he follows. Notice how I had the narrator say 'although my words might not always be my own' (actually, I think I took this phrase out as I was typing it into the computer, I will have to put it back) and how the person being followed commented on he had the feeling he was being followed. This was supposed to allude to the idea of a different person telling his tale.

This story is going to have many different people, all speaking in the first person, telling tales that at first seem unconnected. But I have in my head, a general idea as to how they might connect. Normally, I will not put more than one person's narration in a single 'chapter' (I wouldn't really call them chapters, but they are decision points) with the exception of the narrator, who will pop in and out at times. In time everyone will have a name, and it will be easier to distinguish who is talking.

[Crunchyfrog]

Ah, I think it was because of the personification of Death as a woman in both scenes that may have confused me.


Okay.... *looks at it again*

He's a murderer. He's on the run. He's got the army looking for him. He'll want to put some distance between him and the town since he knows he's being followed. I guess it's not good to stay in one place for too long.

I'm assuming that this is not a mechanical age, and that he leaves with the intent of 'borrowing' a horse.

[scissorkitty]

If our main character- by which I mean the murderer, and not the Narrator- is magical as well, can he move around by magical means?

I'd like to hear more about his lost love- i assume he means someone other than Death.. is this the person he "killed"?

Like the Narrator! Very interesting fellow. I agree that the "death spell" thingy seems VERY similar to that of our murderer.. interesting.

[BStheGreat]

scissorkitty wrote: If our main character- by which I mean the murderer, and not the Narrator- is magical as well, can he move around by magical means?

I'd like to hear more about his lost love- i assume he means someone other than Death.. is this the person he "killed"?

Like the Narrator! Very interesting fellow. I agree that the "death spell" thingy seems VERY similar to that of our murderer.. interesting.

Actually, I was thinking along the lines of Death literally personified in the form of a woman. As in a Hades type figure, only a woman.

[Smee]

I enjoyed the read. The characters, particularly the first, are interesting and the dialogue with the Captain was done well.

No ideas from me for what happens next, that's your job.

Happy Writing :)

[BStheGreat]

Okay, simple enough question:

Should he stay or should he go?

Take into consideration:

While he suspected that he was being followed, he does not know that men are after him.

He has been travelling a while, and is most likely tired.

If he acquired a horse, it would fatigue him considerably less.

He has no real business in the city.

Money does not seem to be an issue with him.

[raerain94]

I love it! I really enjoy your idea of using the different perspectives as a way to tell a story, and I have dabbled in that area a bit myself as an exercise. I just warn you of the fact that 1st person narratives can tend to sound similar when they are meant to be seperate characters (as I have had this happen to me). Creating a distinct voice for each character however is all part of the lure and challenge! I wish you luck with this writing endeavor, and I will surely be following it!

As for your character, though I have already voted, I would like to reiterate that I believe he should stay.
1. he is tired and if he were to travel again and be ambushed, I feel he would be more vulnerable
2. there seems more promise of the narrator somehow interacting with the character with this option along with perhaps promising scenarios of interaction with armies, or bounty hunters of the like?

[PopeAlessandrosXVIII]

Interesting, interesting... The Narrator reminds me a bit of one of my favorite characters from the Feist novels, Nakor. :P So I'm liking him so far. The perspective isue still needs a bit of work. The writing itself is a bit confuseing at times, but it makes for a good test on how well one is paying attention.

I'm liking the story, and hope to see more soon!

(Oh, and you may wanna re-read and repair a few misspelled/missplaced words)

Guud Laku!

[Shillelagh]

This seems pretty awesome. I'm a big sucker for fourth-wall bending stuff, so this should be interesting. Death as a woman is interesting; I'm curious how far you'll take that.

There doesn't seem to be a limit to the Narrator's powers- any limit or flaw in the character seems to come from the Narrator's conscience or psyche, not from physical limitations. It's nice that he's not a perfect character... but since his powers seem to have no limit, there's really no reason he can't stay.

I say stay, enjoy yourself- take your time. Your magic can clean up things if the situation gets messy.

[Lost Omega]

I like everything about this story so far. The narrator and the personification of death is very interesting to me. I voted for the guy to spend more time in the town. Let him befriend one of the whores, for lack of a better word, and use that to embellish his past. If that's what you want to do anyway.

[BStheGreat]

Just figured I'd let you all know I haven't abandoned this. Well, I sorta did; I forgot it even existed. But I've been itching to write lately and this looks like a good place to quench my thirst. Expect a chapter posthaste.

[Crunchyfrog]

*looks at watch* ;)

[PopeAlessandrosXVIII]

*Looks at Froggy-chan's watch* Nice watch, are those diamonds?

[BStheGreat]

It seems someone decided they didn't want me writing this, as they decided to cut a line outside my building, leaving me without internet access for a month. Is it a coincidence that it happened a day or two after I promised to write another chapter? I think not.

In any case, I have internet again so you can expect a new chapter within a day or two, possibly tonight.

[Crunchyfrog]

Yay! :D