City of IF

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Jake stepped out of his house with his stick in hand. He squinted at the road, trying to identify the source of the weird noises that awoke him... but he couldnt see a thing. It was pitch dark. There again.... the noise came twice. Jake started walking towards the noise and as he did so he felt different... cold. He could hear himself breathing heavily. The noise came from a good 50 steps away. Jake squinted and then proceeded. He heard his own footsteps... or were they his? He stopped but the footsteps continued for a second and stopped. They were coming from directly behind him. Someone laughed and he recognized that laugh to be that of Robert's. His friend....

But what was his friend doing walking by his house at around 1 am? Surely, he wouldn't do anything wrong... friends

Jake barely finished this thought when he heard a loud bang and the sound of a woman screaming.

"Mary" he whispered to himself and turned as white as a sheet. Another bang and something whizzed part Jake's ear. Before he could react Jake felt the wind knocked out of him.... and yet there was no one by him. He tried to scream but his insides twisted and he could hardly whisper.

Robert watched this from 10 feet away and was stunned as he saw his friend struggle with a invisible enemy. Suddenly Jake's flailing arms stopped and he fell to the floor with a thud. Robert felt an adrenaline rush and also the weird feeling that he would be next. He waited for something to happen...

and he heard an icy voice from behind him

"You are for tommorow"

Robert turned around slowly but there was no life-like form behind him. Only a cold dense fog. And somehow, this broke man without a house would have to stay safe.

[Lebrenth]

Welcome to IF! The atmosphere and mood in your writing is very good, and I like that the chapter is short and to the point. Your DP has a situation to deal with, now we know Robert is in danger and he has until tomorrow to find a way out of it. However, we could really use some more information. We only barely found out that Robert was homeless, but we don't know if he's old or young, strong or weak, handsome or ugly, or anything.

We might be able to assume some options, and I'll suggest some soon, but mostly it will be guessing because I don't know much about where Robert is or who his assailants are.

Here are some options:

Robert goes to the police, explaining everything and asking for protection.

Robert leaves town and doesn't look back.

Robert finds/steals a weapon to defend himself and finds a place to hide.

Robert tries to find out if Jake had any enemies and tries to find them before they can strike again.

[Vikas Muralidharan]

"We might be able to assume some options, and I'll suggest some soon, but mostly it will be guessing because I don't know much about where Robert is or who his assailants are."

Lebrenth, you are AWEZUM! :cool: Ive only joined yesterday but ive read ur stories and they rock! plz give ur suggestions REAL SOON....! and answer the poll q btw... :D

[Lebrenth]

Thanks! I really appreciate that you took the time to see my work.

I voted for investigating and avoiding Jake's enemies. The police would be a better idea if this murder wasn't sort of strange, and Robert wasn't homeless. Anyway, that's a one-way street, so if we do go to the police, we can't change our mind about them. We can still decide to see them later though.

As for suggestions, I guess I would suggest you take a moment more to describe the scene. It's easy to get carried away with mundane details, but if you pick your descriptions, you can paint a bigger picture with a couple words.

For instance: Quote:
Jake stepped out of his house with his stick in hand. He squinted at the road, trying to identify the source of the weird noises that awoke him... but he couldnt see a thing. It was pitch dark.



You could have had a lot more description with only a few extra words (of course you can tell I'm guessing with some of the details).

Jake stepped out of his front door with his walking stick in hand. He squinted at the cold dark street, trying to identify the source of the weird banging noises that awoke him... but he couldn't see a thing.

[Crunchyfrog]

Welcome to IF, Vikas!

Some good options you've come up with there with some interesting possibilities. Will whatever it is follow him out of town if he makes a run for it? Will we get introduced to new characters - (a sidekick, perhaps) if he goes for Police protection?

Getting some weapons together and being prepared seems the thing to do, but will he be out of his depth? And if he begins investigating, what will he find?

Well... I've cast my vote!

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Robert pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. This Cold, dark alley where he was to rest for the night had made him a witness to something which would probably never let him sleep in his life.

The death of a close friend.... Jake.... he couldn't grasp it.

Breathing heavily and still feeling the effects of the adrenaline rush, Robert (a.k.a Bob) moved closer to Jake's body.... He was about a meter away from the body when he felt a sudden chillness descend on him.

Bob fought the cold and moved closer to the body. He could see Jake's face clearly as he knelt down in front of the body.... Jake's face had fear etched in it. Strangely, Bob could also make out traces of puzzlement and probably even bewilderment in Jake's face.

Bob could not find any traces of injury on Jake except for a small bump on his head and a few scratches in his stomach region. This made him feel better in a weird way... Whatever attacked Jake definitely punched and scratched him which meant you could "touch" it and "feel" it... but the only thing that caused Bob uneasiness was the unexplained cold.

Both he and Jake hardly believed in the supernatural. Bob decided that as of now, staying safe was the only thing he wanted.... he needed a list.... a few people that he should be careful of... that he should avoid.

"Who would want to attack Jake?" he whispered to himself. Unfortunately, there would be a lot of people would want to do that. Jake wasn't the exact goody-good hero-ish type. Those people would probably organize a party after they hear what happened to Jake but they weren't the killing type.

Something in the recent events was nagging at Bob's brain. The Woman screaming......who was it??? Bob thought for a few seconds before he turned white as well.... "Mary" he whispered ...

This Mary was definitely the violent type. Being female definitely didn't make people tease her too much.

"She is a strong woman" Bob said and exactly as he said that, the figure of Mary appeared about 10 m away.

It raised its arms and Shrieked "ROBERT" which only Bob could hear and Bob sprinted as hard as he could and locked himself in Jake's home. He waited for his panic to settle and grabbed Jake's revolver which was lying on the couch. Robert didn't think too much about the possible things he could deduce from the position of the revolver because he had no time to...

There was a strong tap on Jake's Door.... "ROBERT" came the same voice again and Robert didn't know whether Mary was alive or whether it was a ghost calling him, or whether "Mary's" intentions were good or bad. And he definitely didn't know what to do next.

[Lebrenth]

Poor Jake didn't think about the revolver, but at least he left it where Robert could get it. I suspect, however, that the gun won't do much. If Mary is a ghost, it will do nothing at all. I'm voting for staying inside the house and waiting to see what happens. It seemed that Jake had to be lured out to be killed, or else the murderer would have just went in after him instead of making sounds. Also, some folklore about demons, ghosts, and vampires suggest these creatures cannot merely enter, but must be let in or invited. Hard to say if old stories have anything to do with this situation, but until we know more it's about all I have. If Mary gets in, then we have to consider fighting or fleeing.

By the way, you might try more paragraphs, Vikas. It makes it easier to read. Also, if you wait a few days after posting your chapter, you can let your readers come up with options.

[Vikas Muralidharan]

sorry for the absence guys....
i see all of ya have voted for waiting but can i get opinions about the option of getting out of the house from some other way... id like to know wat u guys think about that and why you chose waiting over this.....

[Crunchyfrog]

The reason I voted for waiting, is because he believes in the supernatural, and at the moment he doesn't know if Mary is alive or a ghost. If she's alive, then he'll have a good chance at using the revolver to stop her. If she's a ghost, it makes no difference whether he's indoors or outdoors.

If he decided to jump out of the window or try to escape any other way, he doesn't know what lies ahead. He could be lucky and the coast is clear - he could be even luckier and his best mate, the police and the army are waiting outside to back him up. Or he could be really unlucky, and all of Mary's friends (alive or ghostly) could be waiting outside with chainsaws to get him.

By staying in the house I am reasoning that he'll be hedging his luck at dealing with Mary with perhaps learning a little about what's been going on. Knowledge is power, and all that. :)

[Vikas Muralidharan]

:D crunchy, thanx!!!!

[Vikas Muralidharan]

and guyz, post replies to "HellOnEarth: Prologue" by me in the 'fantasy forest' section and also "Electrified!" by my bro.... :D

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Robert sighed and fell back on the sofa. It had been a month since he had last visited this place and it had changed considerably, the Revolver for one. He still couldn't comprehend the fact that Mary was outside the door screaming at him.

He thought of her beauty. Mary had been a pole dancer at a bar when Robert first saw her. That was when Robert was still rich. Robert fell for her and Mary fell for him as well. Then began the expensive lifestyle, costly romantic dinners at 5 star hotels and before he knew it, Robert was throwing away all his money without bothering to think twice, just for Mary. He had loved her more than he loved himself. But that was the disadvantage of love. You cant bare betrayal when you love your partner like that.

One day, Robert had visited Mary just to find Mary and Jake kissing each other passionately. He pretended to take it easy but once he left that building, he flew into a rage. He was no longer a human being.... he had become a beast. A beast who had bought a can full of oil and burnt down his ex-flame's house. Jake had miraculously survived the accident with a burnt leg and he had to use a walking stick even when he was just 28.

That was 2 years ago, and of course, Robert had been living a lie with Jake. Jake obviously didn't believe him at first but was forced to believe it after a corrupt ( Jake didn't know this of course) Jury held another man guilty of causing the fire. By now, Robert had spent almost all his money and he had become homeless.

A sudden rise in temperature quickly brought Robert back to the present. He could hear Mary laughing really loudly outside. "PAYBACK!" her voice screamed and Robert saw smoke entering the house. Then, he saw the fire. He couldn't think of how Mary managed to burn down this perfectly constructed house but that was at the back of his mind now. He had a revolver, a window locked from the outside behind him, a fire erupting right at him and a woman who seemed to float on the fire.

[Lebrenth]

Supernatural vengeance?! We're in serious trouble then. We're getting a big bowl of poetic justice and in all likelihood there's nothing we can do about it. Of course, Mary did betray Robert first, and Robert didn't actually kill her (it was written that Robert didn't know if she was a ghost or not... if he killed her, I think it would be a little clearer).

If I was Robert, I would remind Mary that she betrayed me first and that I burned her house because I loved her too much. I would tell her that my rage destroyed me and that it would do the same to her.

In other words, try to reason with Mary until it's clear we have to leave house or be burned alive.

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Actually, i was thinking of something else but ur idea seems great.... Of course it has opened up a new possibility where we could emotionally break down Mary or something (which will most probably happen) but Im sure that you'll get a huge shock (or a surprise) at the end of the next chapter :shock: :-o :D

[Thunderbird]

1st, points of critique, and this is a short list, really:

* Break up the paragraphs more, waaaaaaaay more in the second part there where its all just one big one that kept me from wanting to read this until now.

* Be very careful not to repeat your word usage too much. This is extremely distracting.

* Give us a little more depth... wait... a lot more. You cover things briefly and in that you seem to hit on everything you need to explain, but you're TELLING us rather than SHOWING US. In other words, paint the picture with your words. Pictures are worth a thousand of them, right?

Ok, 'nuff for now. Not bad though, all said. To be honest, I can't think of anything he should do at the moment aside from RUN! I wouldn't think he'd have the clarity to say much to her given that his guilt and fear are blending into a toxic mix at the moment. He can't hope to put the fire out himself I'd think, from what little description we had of it. So given there's an immediate threat, now's not the time for parlay, especially since he would never have expected to have to before now! SCAT!

[Vishal Muralidharan]

um... run WHERE exactly?. Mary might be a ghost, but she can't enter the door. But we still can't wait inside, the building is gonna collapse, which would probably mean instant death.

I agree with Lebby, we need to make her feel that we really loved her, and then hope that she would put the fire off.

Or, we need to make hell a lot of noise so that the neighbors call the fire service or whatever! :D

What I would want is to do both. Act as if you are panicking, make a lot of noise. This is bound to wake someone up and call the fire service. Then, we appear to calm down, act as if we know we are going to die and then talk to Mary.

Then we escape! :cool:

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Thunder, thanks for all the advice , I REALLY wanted some one to actually criticize me :D

Ill Work on the mistakes Ive Done

As for the DP, Thunder, yours seems the most obvious thing to do but the only thing I'm sort of thinking about is where he goes from there, like Vishal said. We all know that he's homeless... Does he become a criminal-fugitive or does he keep running?

Vishal, I don't think the making noise part would work but it seems like a good idea.... :) . Although I agree its in the dead of the night, I dont think We'll have enough time for screaming and hollering and THEN trying to reason with her

Like I said, I have a HUGE twist at the end of the next chapter which will pull us back but i hope you'll like it.....

And by the way, I'll wait for a reply from someone else before posting a poll but if no-one does, Ill just carry on

:D :D

[Thunderbird]

At this point, I don't think he'd care where... anywhere so long as its out of the house and far away from here... head out the window!

As for where to go afterwards... wouldn't he have family somewhere? If not, I wouldn't be too worried about that anyhow as he's about to be homeless anyways!

Also... don't worry too much yet about going back to 'fix' things (except for breaking up that 2nd part). You'll grow as you go :)

Additionally, my advice in really improving, especially as an SG author, is to read a well established one... like Crunchy's Magician's Touch. This will help you to see how a strong author builds a plot and develops it as a Storygame.

(And I'd say she really needs some more readers right now... and for how much she's done for the city and to support us, I think its a shame NOBODY but myself has posted on her latest chapter which has been out for weeks now - not hard to catch up if you read a chapter a day. (and its a really great story to boot))

[Vishal Muralidharan]

Thunderbird wrote: At this point, I don't think he'd care where... anywhere so long as its out of the house and far away from here... head out the window!

As for where to go afterwards... wouldn't he have family somewhere? If not, I wouldn't be too worried about that anyhow as he's about to be homeless anyways!

He's already homeless! we learnt that at chap 1. When we get out, we wouldn't have anywhere to go. And then, Mary would probably kill us anyway.

[PopeAlessandrosXVIII]

Personaly, I'd think it'd be best to smash out the window and book it at LEAST 50 yards from the house befor stopping to look back. If Mary is that upset over all this that she'd resort to murder, ghost or no, there is NO reasonong with her. Staying would be suicide. But then again, love never has been, and never will be rational.

Given Bob's "Love" for her, I'd say he might try, but the instict to survive will most likely win out. Pehaps Mary could put out more than one word sentances too. Most vengefull spirits, if that is indeed what she is, give a little more than just "Payback"

As I said befor, I think, out the window, get some distance, then look back. That line about her over the fire could make for a kool visual of her chaseing him through the blaze.

[Thunderbird]

Vishal wrote: He's already homeless! we learnt that at chap 1. When we get out, we wouldn't have anywhere to go. And then, Mary would probably kill us anyway.

Sure but trying to parlay with her in a house thats on fire? Not the BEST of ground for conversation. And he needs some time to consider what to say before he says something stupid and makes things worse!

Also... Welcome to IF Pope! Well placed commentary already. :lol:

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Welcome to IF! Pope... :D
good reply and i loved the last sentence of your reply... :D Make sure to join in the debate!
Thunder and Vishal, keep going! Your arguements are amazing to watch as an author! byt Im gonna add the poll now... so time for VOTING!!!!

[Vikas Muralidharan]

And Thunder, thanx for advertising the Magician's Touch to me. Ive started reading it TOO late but Ill catch up and HOPEFULLY Ill be on the same footing as everyone else by the time crunchy posts chapter 45. I wish there was a shortcut to it though...... :(

[Crunchyfrog]

Ah, I missed the suggestion phase - but I voted. I voted the first option because I think running blindly will help get us over the drama of the opening sequence. Robert needs to gather his thoughts, and be ready for the next attack, if it is to come.

This is not an ordinary ghost - it is one that can be solid and inflict physical injury, as well as set houses alight.

Robert needs time to be prepared for the unknown.



Oh, er, and regarding MT, there's a direct link, right there, in my sig. :) But you can navigate to it through the Sci-Fi district - it has its own forum there. Thanks for the interest!

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Oh.... Okay! 1st vote recorded! I just neeed all of you to vote and then I need to mix up the plot and find a way to bring in the twist I wanted to bring at the end of hte chapter... So it might take time.... So please vote fast ppl!

[Vishal Muralidharan]

Voted!!!

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Chapter 4----- Back to square 1

Robert was stunned

Mary was stunned.

Both of them looked at each other with a look of shock and surprise.

Mary was not dead.

Mary did NOT kill Jake.
___________________________________

Robert, once realizing, that he was in danger had shot at the window and tried to clamber out of it. But Mary had caught his leg. Robert had kicked and screamed and managed to get out of the house but had never managed to get a good enough lead.

Its always tough to get a "good enough" lead when you can hardly see anything in front of you and the person chasing you is able to see you and guess the surroundings by the way you move.

And then, it happened. The inevitable. Robert misjudged his surroundings. Robert went really fast down what he thought was an alleyway until he found himself hurtling downwards to the ground. Robert fell on his face. He felt and tasted his warm blood which was almost oozing from his lips. He had fallen hard.

That was all Mary needed. Seeing the slightly obese target hurtle downwards told her there was something in the way. She jumped over it with perfect precision and landed on Robert.

"THIS.IS.FOR.KILLING.JAKE" she screamed punctuating every word with a punch to Robert's face.

"JAKE SURVIVED THE FIRE!" Robert screamed.

"I Did Too! I saw him being killed in the street! 2 gun shots and then fought a injured man didn't you?"

"I didn't do that! I thought you did it!"

And then, Mary stopped punching Robert.

"Why would I want to kill Jake?" Mary asked.

"Why would I want to kill him?" Robert snorted back.
"Same reason you tried to burn him down 2 years back!" Mary snapped

"Forgiven and Forgotten" Robert stated. "And how did you escape the fire??"

"Long Story. But that's not I'm worried about right now" Mary's voice was still harsh.
_____________________________

Robert rubbed his shoulders and started thinking. He could feel blood on his face now, thanks to Mary's blows.

Robert saw Jake struggling with an invisible enemy. And he could definitely see Mary. And the voice that warned him of attacks the next day was clearly not Mary's. That explained Robert's confusion over why Mary was coming after him after "telling him" that he was for the next day.

Mary had been thinking too. She had never really seen Robert fighting with Jake. And Robert definitely had a concerned look when he had moved towards Jake's body. Not the "Is he dead yet?" kind of look that Mary had thought he had.

The bitter cold and the night had lulled the city to sleep. A calm, eerie silence had descended the place. A silence which was broken by Robert.

"What do we do now??"

[Thunderbird]

Investigate, of course. Start by catching up on old times while revisiting the scene of the crime for an in depth reenactment to see if it triggers any memories that might give them a clue at this point. (and figure out where we're going to be staying the evenings from here on out... I say she's going to have to put him up wherever she's at now. 'Tis her fault anyhow!)

[Crunchyfrog]

Go back and look at the body. He knows what he saw, but what did she see? Now that they've both calmed down, they may spot something they missed earlier.

Nice twist! :)

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Okay! Going back to the body seems the most obvious thing to do and Crunchy, Thanx! :D And can I get a little feedback on my writing style. Has it improved or do I still need to work.

Quote: The bitter cold and the night had lulled the city to sleep. A calm, eerie silence had descended the place. A silence which was broken by Robert.

I kinda like what I did with those lines.... agree????

Anyway, feedback plz!

[Vishal Muralidharan]

I think its time we go polling!

We barely got a suggestion, but that maybe because it was the only obvious thing to do. You might also throw in some of your ideas which you think are quite good, so that we have a better poll.

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Okay, now polling!!!!. If you select the last option, pls. specify in a reply wat u think they should do AFTER that.... ;) :D

[Thunderbird]

My suggestion doesn't seem to be expressed in this poll... Go back and do a reenactment to see what might spark their memories for more clues.

But then... the body isn't STILL at the crime scene... is it?

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Oops, sorry Thunder! I couldn't make your suggestion "short and crisp" (and also I thought I did add it) but now Ive found a way around!!!!

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Woah! Looks like I cant edit the poll now. Anyone who likes Thunder's Idea the most put it up in a reply. Right now, I need to suggest a site improvement. :P

[Crunchyfrog]

Thats ok - it was only me that voted so far anyway, feel free to delete the poll and start it again. :)

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Nope. I kinda like the Idea of voting through replies! Anyone voting for TB's idea post a reply with the words.... "whatever TB said" and Ill count that as a vote unless TB wants me to delete the poll as well.

And btw, crunchy, Its ALMOST certain you'll be the mayor, so about my site improvement....... **wanders off**

[warriorofdoom]

They've just been through a ordeal, so I think we should rest now and come back the next day.

The body would most probably be found by then, so after we are fresh, we talk to each other about what we saw, and then we could also go back and do a re-enactment.

In case the body is not found, we go and study it, while getting each others POV on the happenings.

In any case, they are less likely to hallucinate when they are relatively calm.

[Vikas Muralidharan]

CHAPTER 5

Robert groped around in the dark. Neither he nor Mary knew where they were. They both had decided that going back to the body, re-enacting the scene and having a close look at the body was the best thing to do, but that threw another challenge at them. Finding their way back.....

There were certain signs that helped them of course, broken branches and grass that looked like they had been tramped upon recently. With the help of these signs, and Mary's "gut feeling", They found their way back to Jake's house.

Robert shuddered. The cold.....it dawned on him again and this time, it was very, very uneasy. The dense fog that Robert had seen was still there, this time only denser, covering the road like a blanket. Mary frowned and squinted past the fog.

The body was still there. A solitary object on the road and even the body looked cold. Robert had no choice but to think of the supernatural. He stood rooted at one spot

"Are you coming or not?" yelled Mary from a fair distance ahead.

"Aren't you feeling cold" Robert yelled back.

"Its the middle of summer, you bum! No-one's feeling cold!"

Robert was stung. Not just by what he had just heard but also because of the cold. It was intolerable now.

"All right, maybe it's a wee bit cold, but that's because its ..... um..... 1:30 in the morning"

It was not the cold of the night that was bothering Robert. It was something more. Something inside of Robert. And it made him feel dismal.

Robert staggered ahead. He could not walk straight. With every step he took, he almost fell. He tried to look at Mary but his vision clouded. He could see only purple. The cold literally knocked the wind of him. A voice was talking to him from inside of him.

"It is Tomorrow"

Robert took something small from his pocket and fumbled it around in his fingers. He raised an outstretched hand. "Mary!" he whispered in his coarse voice. The object dropped from his hand and fell.

Robert was on his knees now and felt invisible fingers wrap around his neck. He absentmindedly tried to remove them. He took out something else from his pocket.

"Die!Die!Die!"

His notepad. He ripped a page off, found a pen and wrote a few words on it. He crumpled the paper in his hand.

"Mary" he tried to scream again.

The cold was at its highest point now and Robert was struggling to look up. Something heavy crashed on his head.

Robert raised his arms one more time. He was on the floor now and gasped "Ma...ry!"

Then, the life in those arms faded, the arms fell with a thud. Robert's eyes were open but unseeing, and Robert let out his last breath.

___________________

Mary was unaware of what was going on behind her. She had reached Jake's body and she saw the same things that Robert had seen. Traces of puzzlement and bewilderment, scratches in the stomach region and a bump on the head.

She also saw something else. Jake's eyes were fixed on his hand and his lips were slightly parted. Jake's favorite pen lay a few feet away and it was still open.

She felt Jake's arm and ran her hand all the way down to his fingers when she felt something.

A crumpled up piece of paper.

With a single word......

POSSESSED

Mary gasped. She turned around. "Robert, did you...?"

She stopped short.

Robert was not behind her.

"Where is that bum???"

She stood up and walked a few feet. The fog was much much denser now. She walked through the fog and appeared on the other side.

She gasped again. Robert's body lay a fair distance ahead of her.

She started running towards the body but stopped short.

She felt cold.

She rubbed herself and moved closer to the body.

The closer she got, the colder she got.

She fought the cold with her mind to move closer to the body.

When she reached the body, a tear trickled down her cheek.

Images of love, bike rides and secret afternoons with Jake flashed in her mind. She coughed.

She scanned the area around Robert and found a ring. The ring she had gifted to Robert. Her symbol of love. Her gift of love. She wailed and cried out hard.

Looking around, she also found a pen. Robert's pen

She quickly felt his fingers and found a paper. She opened it and read 3 words now.


"IT IS COLD"


Still crying, she also felt the cold. The expressions on Robert's face were different. They were of pain, agony and somehow, mixed with these elements, a sense of love and longing.

The marks on the body were also different. There were no marks on the stomach region but there was definitely a bump on the head.

She struggled to stand up. She had lost the only two men she had ever trusted in her life.

The cold made her feel uneasy. She struggled to walk back but the cold just increased.

She felt a lifeless form behind her and an icy voice said...

"You are for tomorrow"

She whizzed around but saw no life-like form behind her.

Somehow, this orphaned 22 year old would have to stay safe.

______________________

All right, guys.... The dp is kinda obvious....what Mary does from here......hope you liked it!!!!

[PopeAlessandrosXVIII]

Let's see........Get inside. Somewhere warm. I think there needs to be some stopping and thinking.

I d'know if this is just me, but this story is very confuseing. Perhaps a slow of pace, and a little more detail in things would help paint the picture for me a bit better.

Kepp up the good work!