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The Mongol and the Merman: Chapter 6 - Chinggiz
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 8:56 am    Post subject: The Mongol and the Merman: Chapter 6 - Chinggiz  

Chapter 1- The Farsi Sea


Jochi was returning to port for the day. For the past year he had been religiously sailing out at the crack of dawn into the Farsi sea. He never got irritated, nor did he ever consider quitting. That was not what the horde had taught him.

Many Qasri fishermen had told him and corroborated each other's stories that this sector was where they had seen the sea spirit emerge on more than one occassion. However, for the past year all Jochi had had to do was sharpen his scimitar, fish, and nap. There had been no sign of the sea spirit.

Jochi wanted to find this sea spirit. He had not felt this alive...this driven in over two years. The fabled sea spirit of Qasr was regarded as a malevolent being by the fishermen. It supposedly appeared only to lone fishermen out at sea. It offered them a wager. The fisherman had to hold onto the spirit's legs while the spirit dived deep into the ocean. If the fisherman could hold on till the spirit reached his abode, then the spirit would give him his treasure which was rumored to be valuable enough to make a beggar an emperor.

Jochi often thought about this story when he was out at sea. It sounded like a fairytale as it most probably was. In all likelihood, his hunt was a fool's errand. But two things kept Jochi on course: firstly, he had seen a djinn at Baghdad (or at least he thought he had seen one) and secondly, he had witnessed Qasri fishermen bring in the empty boats of their fellows. There had been no blood on the boats, no signs of struggle, nothing untoward just a single lock of undyed violet-green hair. Five locks of violet-green hair in all over the last year, five breadwinners.

The sky had turned amber as the Sun began to set. Jochi's dhow was being carried back to Umm Qasr by the cool evening winds. The eerie quiet of the sea reminded Jochi of the Steppe. He was weary and hungry after a long day on the rocking boat and was keen to get back to his alcohol and meat.

Then Jochi saw it in the water. Something in the orange-tinted water was gliding along side-by-side with his boat. He didn't react, but instead quietly observed the thing. His vision gradually adjusted to the contours of the strange object. It was definitely some sort of creature, its hind quaters were oscillating like a dolphin's to propel it. But it's color was something unusual. A goldenish torso and a violet head...

Jochi slackened the dhow's sail and the boat came to a gradual halt. The sea creature swam a distance further and then exploded out of the water just like an excited dolphin. In the meagre light, he could just about make about that it was a humanoid...but not human. He had found his sea spirit.

The spirit was approaching his boat now, no longer gliding under the surface, but instead performing a lazy, noisy, splashy backstroke. It stopped near the side of the dhow closest to Jochi and smiled a wide, dazzling, smug smile at him.

It looked like some sort of mutant Rus. It had the sharp features of a male Rus, but its hair was blue and its skin was scaly like a fish's and gold-tinged. It also had fish gills on the sides of its neck.

The spirit kept smiling at him expectantly. Jochi kept his gaze locked on the spirit with the same impassive expression as always. No one spoke for many minutes. Finally, the spirit's smile faltered and it started to look a little less smug and a little more unsure.

"You've seen one of my kind before?" asked the spirit dubiously.

Jochi shook his head slowly.

"Then why haven't you shrieked for pity's sake?"

Jochi shrugged.

The spirit seemed to notice Jochi for the first time," You look different from the others..."

Jochi said nothing.

The spirit appeared to calculate something, then arrive at a conclusion.

"No matter, you're the same as them whether you look it or not. I'll offer you the same wager."

The spirit paused, collected itself, and then spoke again but this time in a different, more dramatic voice.

"Behold, mortal I am a spirit of the deep,"

It seemed to be enjoying his performance immensely.

" You are most fortunate mortal for I have chosen you. I will graciously offer you a wager. If you can cling on to me while I journey to my home then I shall give you wealth beyond your wildest dreams. Do you have the courage and strength to accept this challenge, human?

The spirit gave Jochi another toothy, arrogant grin when it had finished. Then it promptly turned upside down in the water and presented the Mongol its two long, sinewy legs which ended with webbed feet.


Decision Point: What does Jochi do now? I would love some outrageous suggestions.
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1483
Location: Utah

Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 9:56 pm    Post subject:  

Interesting story! I like the fact that there is lore to help guide the sailor, and he's seen his own sights before. I think this clever man would have to have a plan to help him survive the challenge, at least long enough to get into more trouble. Since you want an outrageous suggestion, I propose that the man has acquired the five locks of the sea spirit's hair and had it woven for him into a necklace by a witch (or such). He was instructed to not wear it until he met the sea spirit, and now that he has met him, he puts it on and it transforms his head to that of a large fish which can breathe only in water.
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Tikanni Corazon



Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 12:29 pm    Post subject:  

This was a very enjoyable beginning, Muaddib! :)


One thing I did like alot was the sudden change in the spirit when Jochi didn't react the way that it imagined he would. It changed from merely being this strange mythical creature, to something a little more human, with the same doubts underneath all the theatrics.


Okies, dp...I say that Jocho tries to capture the spirit. It has offered it's legs for him to hold on the way down to it's lair, but instead of that, he should haul it out of the water, tie it up and attempt to take it back to his town/village. It may offer him the treasure in return for it's release, or possibly something better.


One also wonders, did the other sailors who took it up on it's offer really meet their ends in the way portrayed in myth? Is there something more sinister about it, or maybe nothing sinister at all? Could they all still be alive somewhere, living the good life in some secret realm?


Looking forward to chapter 2, to see if any of these questions might be answered. ;) Good job!
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 4:22 pm    Post subject:  

Welcome to the speed SGame forum Muddy! Please remember that one chapter must be posted every seven days or less.

Quote: I would love some outrageous suggestions.

That would be a foolish bet, considering the things home is probably at the bottom of the sea. He could counter with a wager of his own, such as who can drink the most beer (he's a big drinker our hero).

Not very outrageous I know, but it's early.
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 6:13 pm    Post subject:  

Yes, an excellent beginning.

I was thinking two things, both along the lines of Lebby and Tika's suggestions. So I now have nothing more to add. But yeah, very much enjoyed! :)
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 2:31 am    Post subject:  

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions! :D

We have three options and that's good enough to get a poll going.

Poll will be up for three days.
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 7:48 am    Post subject: Chapter 2 - An Unlimited Supply of Webbed Toes  

WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE AND GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE FOLLOWS





Chapter 2 - An Unlimited Supply of Webbed Toes



Jochi moved towards the Merman-legs sticking out of the water. He leaned over and grabbed the legs tightly. The Merman made to dive further into the sea thinking that Jochi had accepted his challenge. But instead, Jochi planted his feet firmly and resisted the Merman's pull.

The Merman's pull became stronger and still Jochi resisted. The Merman's stuggle had now become frantic and was causing the water to splash and froth. Finally, after several minutes there was a brief lull in the sea spirit's exertion. Jochi acted at that exact moment, falling backwards onto the boat and yanking the legs with all his might. With a great rush of water and violent bobbing of the dhow, the sea creature was deposited onto the floor of the boat.

The Merman was extremely strong. He punched and wrestled Jochi, even now attempting to escape. But Jochi had two advantages: tenacity and leverage. The Mongol finally maneuvered himself so that he was sitting on top of the supine Merman. Then, after first parrying the Merman's attempted blows to his face, Jochi managed to land one solid, full-fisted punch on the Merman's jaw. The blow would have easily rendered a human unconscious, but the Merman was only momentarily dazed. But at least the creature's struggling had stopped. Jochi quickly clobbered him twice in succession. Only now, was the sea spirit left senseless.

Jochi roused the Merman after half an hour. It was well and truly dark by now. In the night, the sea's solitude which had seemed peaceful earlier, seemed sinister. But the Mongol's full attention was on his captive.

The Merman groaned and lifted his wobbly head. It took him several moments to gather himself and focus on his surroundings and on the human. Then, with a start he remembered the struggle that had taken place. He tried to move, but found that he was bound tightly to the mast of the boat in a standing position. He strained against his thick hemp bonds but was unsuccesful and gave up eventually.

"Mlecchhaaaa!" growled the Merman, looking at Jochi with a mixture of rage and contempt.

The Mongol looked back at his captive with the same impassive expression as ever and no sign of fear.

"Release me at once if you value your life!" screamed the Merman.

"No"

The Merman growled and once again began straining against the ropes.

THWAAAACCCCCKKKKKKK

The Merman's face was swept right by the force of Jochi's slap. He looked up at Jochi in shock, and for the first time in fear. The left side of the sea spirit's face had turned a painful purple in colour.

"I want your treasure," said the Mongol calmly.

The Merman blinked his eyes twice and then started laughing. It was an ill-humoured, condescending laugh.

SWIIIIIISSSSSHHHHH..................... THUD

The laughter stopped. The Merman looked down to his feet and saw only bright red and the edge of the barbarian's curved sword. The sea creature screamed in sheer pain and buckled, but the tight knots of his binding would not let him crumple to the floor.

Jochi waited calmly for a few minutes while the screams of his prisoner turned to mewls of pain interspersed with sobs. But he was surprised when the prisoner starting laughing again albeit weakly this time.

Jochi followed the sea spirit's gaze down to its feet. He watched in shock and utter amazement as the stumps of the Merman's recently severed webbed toes began to elongate in front of his eyes. He stared while the stumps quickly grew back into a new set of toes. There was no sign of any injury on them!

The Merman was laughing again, defiantly staring Jochi in the eyes.

"You stupid shit eater...you can nev-"

SWIIIIISSSSSSSSHHHHHH.................THUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDD......

More screams. Jochi had severed the newly reconstructed sea creature toes with a wide grin.

Jochi waited patiently for his prisoner's toes to grow back again and for the pitiful creature to stop moaning with pain.

"I want your treasure!" demanded Jochi.

"How do you propose to get my treasure you filthy shit eater? It's at the bottom of the sea. Are you going to cut me loose or swim there yourself?" replied the Merman softly, but even now rebellious.

SWIIIIIIISSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH......THUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDD...............

More screams and more toes.

But the sea creature was right. How was Jochi to get his hands on the creature's treasure?




Decision Point: How does Jochi get his hand on the Merman's treasure?
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Tikanni Corazon



Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 8:33 am    Post subject:  

Another fab chapter, Muaddib!


I did feel rather sorry for the Merman though. Almost wishing him to break free of his bonds and give as good for back. *giggles* I'm also thinking that the continual pain that is being inflicted upon him isn't really going to make him all that helpful once he does get free. So...what to do? *ponders*


Okay, letting him free at the moment isn't going to work, I don't think. I doubt that he's going to be willing to make any deals or anything, even if Jochi had any leverage to use against him to make sure that the Merman carried out his side of any deal that they made. I'm going to say that he keeps him bound for now, and rather than continuing to hurt him, and trying to force him to his will in that way, Jochi should sit down, and try to make conversation. Even if he doesn't succeed in bringing the Merman to a more amiable way of thinking, he might still learn something that will help him.


One small thing, Muad...could we have a language warning at the top of the chapter for our younger readers please. Thanks! ;)


Looking forward to chapter 3! :)
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1483
Location: Utah

Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:35 am    Post subject:  

Wow, this is brutal. I don't like the main character anymore. However, if he is to continue seeking fortune at any cost, I think he's lost the treasure and he'll have to find another way to get money. I suggest he brings the creature back to the mainland and auctions it off. He should make a really big deal out of it, drawing all kinds of interested people. He should advertise to kings and aristocrats who may want him as a trophy; to "doctors" who may want the creature for various strange medicines; to scientists who may want to study him or put him in a museum; and to circuses who would add him to a freak show. There might even be charitable people who would pay just to release the creature (maybe "creature" isn't the right word, but you know what I mean).

It's not very nice, but it's clear this character isn't very nice. Anyway, if he promotes his find the right way (not just hawk the merman at a pawn shop or something dumb) he could make his own treasure.
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Lost Omega



Joined: 18 Dec 2010
Posts: 88
Location: West Haven, CT

Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:38 am    Post subject:  

Wow... O.O This story took a dark turn... How does he get the treasure? Well, for one, we can make this even darker, possibly dragging it into the Creepy Cave, and start jabbing eyes until the merman agrees to take Jochi to the treasure or you can offer a Kit-Kat. Mermen (merpeople?) love Kit-Kats.
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 6:56 pm    Post subject:  

I say this is where he is able to use the locks mentioned in the last DP... chewing on them allows him to breath underwater. But he had to make sure he had the upper hand first and could bind the mer-man's hands.

Sure, brutal, but lets keep in mind this is a man-killing charlatan 'spirit'. With insight into the creature's nature, it may not seem so out of place that he received such treatment at the hands of our protag.
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 7:15 pm    Post subject:  

Once again thanks for the comments everybody. Also Tikanni, thank you for reminding me about the warning. I've edited the post.

I have to say, I really enjoyed writing this chapter :lol: .
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 5:44 am    Post subject:  

Nice one! Liked it.

Yes, no doubt Mermy knows a way for him to breath underwater for a long time. He can take a quick dive, recover the treasure and then take the merman to shore and sell him to a (cruel) circus as a freak.

Yay!
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 7:39 am    Post subject:  

Chapter 2 poll is up for 2 days. Please do vote!
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1483
Location: Utah

Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 8:00 am    Post subject:  

I voted for "forget the treasure". I have a feeling there is no treasure anyway, as we're taking it on the word of a mythical creature that it even exists and he hasn't really offered anything for his release. If he had a treasure, I think he would bargain with it.
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Lost Omega



Joined: 18 Dec 2010
Posts: 88
Location: West Haven, CT

Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 8:33 am    Post subject:  

No one can resist the temptation of a chocolate covered biscuit! Lol
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:54 am    Post subject:  

Ah, missed the poll. :(
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 7:56 am    Post subject: Chapter 3 - The Mughlai House of Horrors  

Chapter 3 - The Mughlai House of Horrors



The Mughlai House of Horrors at Umm Qasr was the marvel of the entire region. Rich Abasidi courtiers came all the way from Damascus to visit this small fishing town on the South-East corner of the Empire. There, they rubbed shoulders with Farsi gentlemen, Nubian merchants and hundreds of others from the diverse nations of Asia and Africa. There were even a few pale-face Europeans!

The House of Horrors was a simple affair. It started with a narrow, small doorway which was followed by a narrow, small and dark tunnel. The tunnel was claustrophobic and completely sound-proofed. As the patrons progressed down the tunnel, they felt more and more divorced from the reality from which they had just come. And just when they started wondering whether they would seem cowards for turning and running back to the entrance, they were ushered into a large circular room with it in the centre of the room. It was a creature, a sea creature.

The Merman swam around in an aquarium built of thick glass. It looked almost completely human. But there were a few differences which became apparent on closer inspection. It had webbed feet and hands and large, wide translucent tail jutting out of its lower back. Also, there was just something too conical, too aerodynamic about it to allow it to pass as human. People paid good money to spend less than five minutes in that room. And they always returned for another look.

The House of Horror's proprietors, commonly known as the Brothers Mughlai, had amassed an enormous fortune. Two Mongols in the middle of Abasidia, even after the massacre at Bagdad! It was unheard of, but nevertheless completely true.

One of the Mongols had elevated himself to become the unofficial mayor of Umm Qasr in a direct challenge to Abasidi authority. But the Abasidi dared not remove him. Not after Bagdad.

The other Mongol was far more mysterious. Strange rumours circulated about him. It was said that his large mansion near the Umm Qasr harbour was in fact a massive armory. It was said that this weird kafir was embarking on an even bigger project than the House of Horrors. All the Qasri and even some of the visitors to the town, talked about seeing workers move in and out of the Mongol house at odd hours of night.

The speculation was that the mysterious Mongol was preparing for some kind of confrontation with the people of the captured Merman. The Qasri natives excitedly hoped that their Mongol neighbour would be capturing more Merman and expanding his 'zoo'. If a single sea spirit had brought so much business to their small town then surely a plethora of sea creatures would make the entire city enormously wealthy! Other were convinced that the crazy Mongol was planning to exterminate the Mermen in a vendetta just as the Horde had annihilated Bagdad and so many other cities.




Decision Point: Speculation about the mysterious Mongol's aims are all well and good. But what is his project?
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1483
Location: Utah

Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 5:55 am    Post subject:  

I remain a little confused after the abrupt change of scenery. I presume the Mongol successfully brought the sea spirit back and started the House of Horrors, and has been successful for some time. Now he's preparing for another venture, right?

Before I get to the DP, Muaddib, could you tell me what type of suggestions you're looking for? Is this a classic DP or a Meta DP? Are we just determining the Mongol's actions or can we make potentially drastic changes to the story?
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 7:05 pm    Post subject:  

Right. I'll accept any suggestion that gets the most votes whether it's a meta DP or otherwise.

EDIT: Now that Lebrenth has mentioned it, I would really appreciate comments on the style/form/grammar used in this SG. Please also mention why you like/don't like any particular part. This will help me improve as a writer which is my aim.
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:52 pm    Post subject:  

Sure they'd want to capture them, but they'd also want their treasures that were really ammassed at the bottom of the sea. I assume they'd have some serious clockwork diving gear at their disposal for this 'raid'.

Such an intriguing story you have here Muad! Thanks for this one :)
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 7:23 am    Post subject:  

Going Steampunk? Thanks Thunderbird!
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 3:37 pm    Post subject:  

I say he's going to go down and find that treasure. He's been working on fantastical undersea devices to assist in his efforts.
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 10:21 pm    Post subject:  

Poll's up!
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Tikanni Corazon



Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2011 12:16 pm    Post subject:  

Caught up, voted (had wonderful visions of elaborately designed submarines and the like when I read the second option), and still enjoying this, Muad! :) Looking forward to joining in with chapter 4.
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1483
Location: Utah

Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2011 12:40 pm    Post subject:  

Looks like I forgot to come back and make a suggestion. That's ok, these two should work. I voted for fantastical instead of steampunk, but maybe the steampunk would have suited our protagonist better. It also suits the House of Horrors thing better too.... Hmm... I hope 2 people come and outvote me.
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 8:01 am    Post subject:  

Chapter 4 - Undersea Chariots


The last of the undersea chariots was finally finished. The gleaming brass device had been placed next to its 100 brothers on the long, thick wooden rack.

The workers had already left for their abode in the desert far to the northwest. Jochi was glad to be rid of them. The Djinn's workers were ethereal, impassive and gave off a strong whiff of the 'unknown.' They did not seem to need sleep, nor had Jochi seen them eat. They had been utterly and eerily quiet while they had toiled to fashion his 101 undersea horses.

The Mongol had hated the entire process that resulted in the construction of the devices. First, he had approached the desert witch who lived in the wilds to the north of Umm Qasr. She acted like a crazy, old hag but Jochi had heard that under that facade, she was actually a powerful broker for transactions involving the 'other'. Her commission had been hefty but since the success of the House of Horrors, Jochi had had more than enough money to proceed with the transaction.
The Djinn had been another matter entirely. Jochi had to summon all his courage and nerve to keep sitting during his meeting with the otherworldly being. The only other time he had seen the Djinn had been from afar during the Sack of Bagdad. But the effect the Djinn had on him in the Desert Witch's dingy tent had been unthinkable and intolerable.

The Djinn had quickly acquiesced to the Mongol's request for a device to enable a small army to swim to the deepest depths of the ocean. Jochi had known that this would be the case. He had long ago begun to suspect that it had been the Djinn who had somehow maneuvered Jochi into his quest to capture the Merman. Why else would Jochi, an utterly pragmatic individual, have suddenly become obsessed with finding a mythical creature?

The Djinn had sent forty of his strange workers to Jochi's mansion in Umm Qasr. They simply walked in one night and began work without a word to the Mongol. And the result of their labour lay in front of him. One hundred and one brass, fish-shaped objects, each with the capacity to hold one man and the proven ability to take that man to the bottom of the ocean at startling speed. Jochi suspected that some 'otherwork' had gone into the making of these objects, but he didn't care to have his suspicions confirmed. He just wanted the blasted things to work properly when they were needed.

He had known since that fateful night when he brought the Merman back to shore that war was inevitable. The Merman was obviously some sort of bratty, underwater royal. And based on the captured Merman's personality, Jochi knew that the sea-people would not tolerate the kidnapping of one of their royals by a 'shit-eater'. War was inevitable.

Jochi was no longer being subtly led by the Djinn...there was no point. War was inevitable. But he also knew that if he ever finished with the Mermen and survived, he would turn all his attention on the Djinn. Even if it meant enlisting the help of the Horde.

But that was for much, much later. He had to focus on the issue at hand: he had the transportation, now he needed an army.


Decision Point: Where does Jochi get his 101-strong army?
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1483
Location: Utah

Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2011 11:54 am    Post subject:  

Did you deliberately use the phrase "war is inevitable" three times? You might want to change the wording.

For the DP, I'd say we should raise an army of sailors and lure them with tales of undersea treasures. I'd pick sailors because they're more likely to know stories about the undersea kingdom and may be willing to be paid in loot. We should also demand a ransom from the merfolk for the prince (or whatever he is). But it shouldn't be a fair transaction. It should be a trap to steal money and kill a few them to put fear in their hearts before we attack.
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2011 6:50 pm    Post subject:  

Yes I did. Thanks for your suggestion.
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1483
Location: Utah

Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2011 8:26 pm    Post subject:  

Muaddib wrote: Yes I did. Thanks for your suggestion.
I thought that might be the case. It seems like you could do something with it to make it stand out more as a pattern. Anyway, looking forward to your next chapter!
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2011 10:04 pm    Post subject:  

I wrote it twice by mistake. I then had the option to delete one of the sentences or to fulfill the prophecy of the Cliched Doggerel by repeating the sentence a third time. I chose the latter. How could I not? :D
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 12:43 pm    Post subject:  

Still loving this! The new stories that have popped up on IF in the last few weeks are really outstanding and this is certainly one of the forerunners in that surge.

I say he gets the army from the Mongol horde itself.
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:03 pm    Post subject:  

I'm gonna ask for a little leeway for the lateness of the next chapter because I was only able to put up a poll today.
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 10:52 pm    Post subject:  

Muaddib wrote: I'm gonna ask for a little leeway for the lateness of the next chapter because I was only able to put up a poll today.

~gives tiny tiny leeway~
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 7:43 am    Post subject: Chapter 5 - The Horde  

Chapter 5- The Horde


The Horde waited outside the city of Bilisi in the northern area of the region known as Hattia. The city sat in the middle of a vast plateau and straddled a wide river.

It took Jochi almost two weeks of hard riding on the most fleet-footed horse that his considerable wealth could buy to reach the Horde. Already he felt that he had wasted too much time. He worried that the Mermen might have attacked Umm Qasr in his absence. He feared for his neighbours. It was true that the humdrum lives of the Qasri were pitiful and they themselves were weak, but they were innocent too. The Qasri menfolk toiled at sea all day, every day for a meagre income. They had no idea of the path that Jochi had taken or of the fact that he had put them all in mortal danger. Jochi was a man of few scruples, but he knew that the blood of the Qasris would be forever on his hands and he would not survive the guilt. They were his neighbours, and therefore his responsibility.

Jochi was even more perturbed by thoughts of his friend and compatriot, Temuge, the 'mayor' of Umm Qasr. Jochi had had to finally reveal the whole plot to Temuge in an attempt to explain why he needed to seek out the Horde after all this time. Temuge had said nothing, just simply walked away looking betrayed.

But from whichever angle Jochi considered his dilemma, he could only see one way that would result in a positive outcome for himself, his neighbours, Temuge and possibly mankind. He needed the help of the Horde. Only veteran Mongol warriors could hope to beat the Mermen.

Jochi was seated inside the large ger of the Noyan Azambagai, Jochi's former commander. Jochi trusted Azambagai more than any other person in the world apart from Temuge. The Noyan was unique in an army of hardened souls. Despite his indisputable prowess in the art of war, Azambagai retained a deep compassion, especially for his men. Azambagai had been the one to allow Jochi to leave the Horde after Bagdad, when Jochi had been close to snapping and deserting by himself. By his actions, Azambagai had saved Jochi from himself as well as from the Khan's Hounds who hunted deserters.

By returning, Jochi knew he was be putting his former commander in a very difficult position. Azambagai would not be able to easily explain Jochi's disappearance and reappearance. One did not just leave the Horde without the Mongolisen's consent. Jochi, who had been nothing more than a lowly captain during his time with the Horde, could never have hoped for an audience with the Mongolisen. Therefore when he had set Jochi free, Azambagai had decided that he would tell anyone who asked that he had sent Jochi on an errand back to the capital. But no errand could have possibly taken so many years.

Jochi was shaken from his reverie as the flaps of the tent parted to allow a few sentinels to enter. They arranged themselves to face each other leaving a path in between them and stood at respectful attention. Azambagai swept into the tent and immediately noticed Jochi. Jochi caught a momentary soft, sadness on his commander's face before it was replaced by an impassive hardness.

"Seize the deserter," Azambagai told the sentinels.

The sentinels rushed to their former comrade and roughly grabbed his arms, hauled him to his feet and began to drag him away.

Jochi had suspected that this might happen and he did not blame his commander at all.

"I must speak with you. I would not have returned if it was not terribly important!"
Jochi whispered furiously to Azambagai as he was dragged past the Noyan.

Azambagai remained stolid and didn't reply as the sentinels dragged Jochi out of the tent.

Jochi was secured to a post in the middle of the camp and beaten mercilessly for hours. Deserters were to be made an example of by the law of Temujin himself.

Day turned to night and Jochi hung onto consciousness, hoping that Azambagai would visit him. He had almost given up hope and succumbed to the darkness, when he felt rough hands tenderly raise his head and put a bowl to his lips.
The water that Jochi sipped tasted like some heavenly nectar. He tried to lap up more but the helping hands would not allow him to do so.

"Slowly, slowly..."whispered Azambagai.

Jochi looked up with effort and cracked a bloody smile.

"Commander, I was hoping you would come. You never disappoint."

"Why did you come back you foolish man? You should have known that the Hounds
would force me to do this to you," said the Noyan with sadness.

"Commander, I need the help of the Horde....I face an enemy so dangerous, that it would threaten all of Temujin's legacy."

Jochi briefly told his former commander about the chain of events that had led him to Bilisi. Azambagai listened silently to the entire tale silently before offering his thoughts.

"Even if what you say is true my friend...and no I do not doubt your claims...the Khan himself has chosen for the Horde to lay siege to Bilisi. As you have seen there are fifty thousand men here, almost a quarter of all our forces. No one will abandon Bilisi to help a deserter. You will be killed tomorrow.

Jochi shook his head. Now was the time for his last desperate ploy.

"You may kill me when I've defeated this enemy. Not before," he said firmly.

"Then you are a fool. The Hounds will make an example of you."

"No they will not. I invoke Temujin's law. I will offer the Horde a price commensurate to my life and a price for their aid."

Azambagai was stunned into a long silence.

"A life-price is not cheap. Not even for a former captain. How can you possibly afford it? What can you offer?" asked the Noyan finally.

Jochi told him.


Decision Point: What price does Jochi offer?
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1483
Location: Utah

Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:14 am    Post subject:  

Whoa, I had no idea our protagonist was a deserter! This was clearly an awful idea. It is interesting to read about these things (my knowledge of Mongolian warriors is fairly limited, and it's nice to know more), but 2 weeks of hard riding, being beaten terribly and sentenced to death... not worth it. What were we thinking?

As for the "life-price", however much it is, it's worth it. Jochi was an influential man, wasn't he? Didn't he bring any gifts or something to pay this life-price? Can't we just pay in gold? We should have enough for the life of one man. Then we lure the men we need with promises of looting.

If that is insufficient, promise to retrieve a certain treasure of the sea that will be of great use to the Mongol Horde. Even if such a treasure is entirely fictional, it would buy Jochi more time. Perhaps the mystical treasure would provide an endless supply of fresh water, which would certainly be valuable to a large army which has crossed deserts and arid steppes to conquer other lands.
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 3:12 am    Post subject:  

No real takers for this story huh? Thanks for your suggestion Lebrenth!
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 4:36 pm    Post subject:  

Give me two days... my 'reading' time is put into a box of time I find at work at the moment.
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 7:32 am    Post subject: Chapter 6 - Chinggiz  

Chapter 6- Chinggiz


Jochi died from his injuries before dawn. He never had a chance to offer his life-price. His body was catapaulted into Bilisi as was the norm. It was hoped that it would rot and cause disease in the besieged city forcing the inhabitants to surrender.

The Mermen forces attacked to days after Jochi's death. Temuge had taken some steps to try and defend his town by hiring African mercenaries from the larger port of Sharm. But fifty, poorly accoutred, poorly trained soldiers and a small militia of completely untrained locals was not enough to hold off the thousands of Mermen that emerged out of the ocean in successive waves.The town of Umm Qasr was annhilated, the sea people made sure that every single inhabitant of the town was flayed.

Within six months, the Mermen had overrun most of central Asia, eastern Europe and western Africa. The various Mongol hodes were decimated.


Firlain, the Merman First General was being sponged with cold water by human slaves. This far from the sea, it had become necessary for Firlain to be sponged twice a day to retain his moisture. He hated land and longed for the sea but his orders came first. The time had finally come for the Mermen to take their rightful place in the world and thin out the burgeoning scum population.

He was pleased with himself. He had exceeded expectations and destroyed the best Asian and European armies within a matter of months. Almost a million humans had already been killed by his armies and more were being sent to their deaths.
But for one small piece of information, he would sleep easy for the rest of the campaign. The Mongols of the Steppe north of the Wall of Cheen still resisted his forces. And more troubling news was coming out of that region. His messengers reported that a young warlord, barely a man, had routed Mermen regiments in three battles already with no sign of letting up. Worse, the messengers reported that the humans of that region had taken to referring to the warlord as Chinggiz .



This was the final chapter of this tale. I hope you liked it. I would really love some feedback about my writing style, the plot, possible improvements etc. Thank you!
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1483
Location: Utah

Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:44 pm    Post subject:  

Congratulations on finishing your storygame. I appreciate that death is a strong possibility in stories of this nature, and I'm sorry we didn't do better to keep our man alive! The pace of the story was very brisk (like it) and I loved how it expanded its horizons several times with whole new mythologies. It made the world seem very full of interesting adventures. I've already mentioned that I didn't like that our man was kind of evil, but he had an interesting story. I think the lack of participation in the game came from a lull in IF activity in general, not because of a lack of quality.

Do you think you'll try another Speedwriter SG? Maybe some other type of SG?
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