||City of IF
Free online storygaming
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
|Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:27 pm Post subject: The Chronicles of Lanthos
|This is a tale I'm converting hopefully into a real book someday. It was solely based on a freeform Roleplay I ran for several months with some of my friends and it turned out to be a truly fantastic story, if somewhat random in points. Keep your eyes peeled for spontaneously combusting arses and please, comment and review freely! I accept all constructive criticism!
Since the dawn of time, Lanthos has always been a freehold, a refuge for those from other lands that have had their lives torn from them. It is a city in the center of the lands, the cornerstone of nations, and it is said that it is this land that all life originated from. In the reign of Lord Zapotna, Lanthos has prospered and flourished with their farmlands and marshes on the outskirts of their city walls. To the west, it is bordered by the Forests of Mists, rumored to be plagued by Night Haunts, vengeful spirits of the dead that do not tolerate the living. On the east of Lanthos is the large Elyrian Desert, the yellow sands shifting dangerously beneath the feet of any who cross, threatening to topple anyone into the den of scorpions or desert snakes living below. To the south borders lies only the land known has the Wastelands. Volcanoes and scorched earth surround this region, and while some remain hopeful that the spewing magma from the belly of the earth will one day cease and the Wasteland will be rich and fertile land again, few share that sentiment. Finally, to the far north of the city is the icy tundra, glaciers and wintery furred creatures are abundant in this region of the world, and hunting is the most prosperous here, with the exception of the wilderness near Lanthos.
More recently, however, tales of a deadly illness sweeping from the eastern deserts and roving closer and closer through the country towards Lanthos have reached the ears of the residents there. They say it is one that addles the mind and makes the inflicted see or hear things that are not there. Those in the climax of the fever have glazed, and black eyes, and speak of a time approaching quickly, the dark dawning of a new era influenced by powers that many fear, but some still show respect and reverence too, despite how awful they may be. The rumors of such an illness have caused some of the citizens to pack up and leave the safety of Lanthos, seeking their luck with the creatures outside the walls and the Night Haunts in the Forests of Mists, or the poisonous stinging arachnids in the Elyrian Desert. None dare approach the Wasteland and the icy tundra to the north holds no favoritism to simple farmers and merchants.
Mid-Summer brings new life and new hope to the denizens of the city and Mid-Summer’s eve is one that everyone celebrates.
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
|Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:31 pm Post subject:
“Nicholas? Hurry up with those potatoes, boy! The patrons aren’t getting any less hungry.” The boy at the fire sighed heavily as his father called to him through the door way from the bar to the kitchen.
“They’ll be done in a bit, Da!” Nicholas called back as he started slicing hanks of meat from the roasting piece of boar that was slowly cooking over the large fireplace. He then dished the potatoes from the pan he had cooking over a smaller cook-fire in a pit under the hole in the roof that let all the smoke go out and could be shut with the pull of a cord when it rained.
Nicholas dished up five plates of boar meat and potatoes, sniffing appreciatively as he exited the kitchen, balancing all of them and heading for the table that had ordered them. “Let’s see, stuffed pork chops and rice, a chef’s salad, shepard’s pie for you, sir, vegetables stew, and finally, my favorite, roasted boar with fried potatoes.” He set down each plate of boar and potatoes with a flourish as he served them, grinning at the motley collection of men who were looking at him in confusion.
The biggest one, who looked like he was a blacksmith from his build, opened his mouth and made a show of clearing his throat before he spoke. “We all ordered the same thing, boy. And et’s what ye brought us. So why are ye saying we ordered sumthin different?”
Nicholas sighed heavily. None of these overgrown lunkheads ever understand a joke when I make one. Then he gave them a bright smile and opened his hands wide. “Well, you see, sir, I like cooking and I’m quite skilled at it too. So I just named off some dishes that I think you might like in the future, rather than always ordering the same boring thing every night you come here.”
The men at the table gave him a blank look. “Boar meat and fried potatoes is the only thing that’s cooked here. It’s on the board next to the price for the ale, boy.” The blacksmith stated after a few moments of stunned silence, pointing.
Nicholas sighed again, and walked away, shaking his head as his father slid past and served the men with their ale. Just as he reached the safety of the kitchen again, Nicholas felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around. A thin waif of a woman with dark hair and large brown eyes gazed at him sadly. It was clear that she was quite ill from the fact she was shivering while her skin was quite warm and flushed.
“Mother, you should be resting. We don’t know how long until this cold you’ve got is going to clear up.” He said, patting his mother’s shoulder and starting to steer her back to the room behind the kitchen that his parents slept in. She mumbled something incoherent but Nicholas nodded and patted her back as he helped her up into bed and pulled the covers up around her chin. “Stay in bed mother. In a few more hours, Da’ and I will have cleaned up and he’ll come to lie down and rest too. Can you wait until then?”
She nodded and reached out to squeeze her son’s hand gently and rasped out, “I love you, my son.” Then she smiled, leaned back into her pillow, and closed her eyes. Nicholas shook his head at her and kissed his mother on the forehead. He and his father both hadn’t contracted the illness and they assumed they never would. “I love you too Mother.”
When he finally returned to the tavern’s main room, Nicholas saw that most of the patrons had left with the exception of the usual stragglers, as well as the blacksmith and his four friends at the center table of the tavern.
“Nicholas, help me clean up while these good people finish their meals.” His father, Dmitri Petrov, called from across the room. Nicholas gave him a short nod, brushing his dark brown hair out of his eyes and gathering up plates from one of the empty tables.
Just as he started back towards the kitchen with an armful of dirty dishes, the door opened and a brown haired girl shuffled into the tavern looking scared. But Nicholas spotted the cross on the shoulder of her tunic; she was a Healer. He rushed to the kitchen quickly, plates and silverware clinking as he dropped them in the wash tub and started back towards the main room of the tavern.
The door opened and a male figure in a dark grey traveling cloak stepped into the tavern, speaking to no one except Dmitri and making his way to a quiet table in the back. From there, the man could enjoy a quiet tankard of ale and watch with reserved interest as the Healer started towards the back of the room, and a blonde woman entered the tavern, settling her body in a seat close to the bar.
“A pint of your best ale, sir.” The blonde woman called to Dmitri as he served the man in the grey cloak his tankard. He nodded in response and disappeared through the doorway to the heavy casks that the ale was kept in.
Just when Dmitri was out of sight, the men in the center table started muttering and chortling amongst themselves as the Healer looked around the room. The blacksmith elbowed one of his companions just as Nicholas returned and started cleaning up another table.
"Pretty, eh?" The blacksmith nodded at the brown haired woman and growled to his comrades as they stood up, chuckling to one another and making lewd comments about what they’d like to do to women.
"Pretty enough, but tiny. Looks plenty breakable, Geoff." One of the big man’s friend’s replied, his smile looking nastier by the second.
"I don't have a problem with that, Horace, not at all!” Geoff laughed and belched loudly, before he reached out and snatched the brown haired woman by the arm. "Evening, sweetheart. What're you looking for tonight?”
She would have liked to take a step back or say nothing at all, but he had a hold of her arm and if she didn’t say anything, he’d likely take that as her consent to continue with whatever he had on his mind. Instead she took a deep breath, her eyes downward."I-I'm here to care for th-the sick woman, the tavern owner's w-wife," she said honestly.
"Sick woman? I can be a lot of things miss, but I lack the skill to be a woman. Speaking of sick women, you're a bit odd to be wantin’ women, are ye not?" The man leered at her, leaning down towards the woman’s face, the smell of alcohol on his breath overwhelming her greatly.
She leaned back, her face screwing up at the smell of alcohol. It was one she was not only unfamiliar with, but didn't like either. It was a little sickening. She didn't understand his meaning though. It made absolutely no sense to her."E-excuse me?" she asked before shaking her head. "Never mind," she said instead and began to try and maneuver around the man and through the crowd.
He reached out to grab her arm again, his grip strong, but not quite firm, as he was very drunk. "Where you goin’ sweetheart? I wasn't done with ye."
At this, the man in the dark grey traveling cloak that entered earlier spoke up. "I don't think she wants the attention," he said, from a few tables away. The hood was pulled up over his face, a few strands of golden blond hair hanging free. He was staring down into his tankard of ale, the same one he had ordered when he first walked into the tavern.
"Who asked you to butt in, stranger?" Geoff grunted in response, very confident that his greater height and bulk were enough to take on the cloaked man.
"No-one," the other answered. "But she doesn't look like the type of woman who wants the attention of a drunken peasant." He was far shorter than the blacksmith, just under six foot himself, his shoulders nowhere near as broad as the other man's, but he showed no concern at this in his eastern accented-voice.
"Really?" The man pulled the woman towards him roughly. "I think she's exactly my type of woman. And I think she'll enjoy the attention." He said, jostling the woman about as he spoke.
The Healer put a hand over her mouth to keep from being sick as she was shook around. The violent, sudden movement made her stomach toss and turn in her abdomen. “Sir, please stop shaking me,” she whispered, shuddering in his grip. The Healer was rewarded with a sudden backhand, her lip cutting itself against her teeth from the force of the blow.
The cloaked man rose to his feet, reaching up and pulling his hood back from his face, revealing his heavily tanned skin and long, gleaming yellow hair, hanging down past his shoulders.
The blacksmith snorted at this, unimpressed. "Oh ho! You scare me now! A pretty boy, are ye?" His voice was dripping with biting sarcasm.
The blonde man didn’t flinch or smile or in any other way acknowledge he was intimidated by the blacksmith’s show. "Just leave her alone, I'm sure nobody here wants any trouble." He said, in a halting fashion, as if he was thinking of each word before he said it.
The blonde woman that had entered the bar last was sitting at a table nearby, her fingers drumming on the surface of the wood, eyes scanning the place. When she noticed the skirmish that was just about to happen, she took a deep breath and stood slowly. Bar fights weren't something that she normally tolerated, and she moved through the drunk patrons, standing off to the side, watching carefully waiting for the right moment to step in and take the woman away from harm.
Then the small brunette woman looked between the drunk and the other man who was apparently trying to defend her and was more than just confused. I’m fairly well stuck. She looked down at the knife at the drunk’s side and was almost tempted to take it. I’d take it but,… I’m so clumsy... what if I hurt somebody? What if I hurt myself? I’ve never tried to heal myself. But maybe, I can stop anyone else from getting hurt if I try…
Slowly, she reached out and began to ease the knife out of its case, but the man shook her arm again roughly. His steely grey eyes were staring the cloaked man down as he shifted his grip around the slender woman. "I'm all about trouble, stranger. And this ain't yer town, so you best just finish yer ale and begone."
The brunette woman, now having had her grip shaken away from pulling out the knife, ignored it and looked up instead, her oddly colored eyes growing wide as she attempted to step back, the plain colored skirt moving around her ankles. "C-could you let me go please?"
The blacksmith looked down at her and let out a bark of laughter. "’Please’ don't work 'round here missy…" Then he looked over at his friends still seated at the table, three of them, all built like him except varying in height, hair, and eye color. "Let's see what you lot make of her, hmm?" He shoved the willowy slender woman towards his friends, two of whom leered at her and grabbed one arm each.
"You really shouldn't have done that. Just let her go, otherwise things are going to become unpleasant. You can still sit down and enjoy your drinks, and just let the woman get on with her business." The cloaked man stated in a different language entirely as he took a step towards the man, shaking his head slowly, his bright blue eyes glistening in the last of the sunset light through one of the tavern's small windows.
The burly men chortled at the desert-language speaking man and Geoff opened his mouth to respond in his drunken slur. “Why don’t you speak a language we can understand, ye easterner!” His friends joined in the chuckling afterward as if the blacksmith had just made the best joke in the land.
With the cloaked man as a sufficient distraction, the blonde woman sighed again as she moved into the skirmish. That woman needs help right away and if everyone is just going to stand and talk tough, I’m going to do something about it. She stood on a nearby chair, drawing back her dishwater blonde bangs and shaking her head as she drew back her fist and aimed it to the back of the head of one of the men holding the woman. He fell forward, stumbling from the blow and turned, while another let out a yell and started after the woman who had thrown the punch, which ensued in an all out bar brawl, encouraged by the drunks watching the show.
The brown haired woman pulled away from the man holding her other arm though it hurt to do so. The whole reason I came into this place is to help that woman before she dies like all the rest! She began to slip through the crowd again trying to ignore any sounds of pain. I’ll handle them later. I don’t know how long the owner’s wife is going to last.
The heavily tanned man stepped forwards again, raising his leg and bringing it up into the blacksmith's stomach, using the distraction posed by the blonde woman to his advantage. The man grunted and glared at him before lowering down and bull-rushing the blonde man towards a wall. "Yellow bellied coward!" Geoff bellowed at the shorter man. The tanned man grunted in pain, bringing his elbows down onto the man's back, either side of his neck.
While Geoff and the male stranger were having their tiff, the blonde girl jumped off the chair quickly and drew the knife she had hidden in the waistband of her skirt. She made a swipe towards the fourth man, but he was quicker and dodged it, bringing his hand down soundly over her ear. The blonde looked disappointed and gritted her teeth as she set her stance. The man bull-rushed her and got her around the middle, sending her five-foot, nine-inch form falling to the floor hard and she was clearly seeing stars, her knife falling from her grasp and skidding away from her a few feet as she attempted to gather her senses quickly before another blow could hit her. Let’s just hope him being a drunk can help me tonight, I can only defend myself. She thought to herself, looking around at the other patrons that were rising up and getting ready to join in the brawl.
The big blacksmith drew a wickedly sharp knife from his belt and charged for the desert warrior in the grey cloak, who spun out of harm’s way just in time. His dark blue eyes narrowed as he noticed the blade-tip was round and he could see a drop of dark liquid at the end of it. Poison! He thought as he brought his left palm up to block Geoff’s next blow and connected with his wrist, knocking the knife out of the bigger man’s hand and bringing his own fist up to collide with the blacksmith’s jaw.
As the blonde girl and the desert warrior started fighting with the men that had been bothering the Healer, Nicholas shook himself loose from his shock and moved to steer the brown haired girl towards the back of the tavern. “Listen, my name’s Nicholas, and the sick woman is my mother. I can take you to her.”
Blue-green eyes turned up and fixed on Nicholas’s green ones. “Thank-you, Nicholas. My name is Talin. Where is your mother?” She asked in the same soft, almost breathy voice. Talin seemed to be quite shy and self-contained but in her eyes, Nicholas could see determination to help. He nodded and took the Healer to his mother in the back.
Talin saw the woman lying on the bed in the little room, a small fire going in the fireplace with a kettle of water over it. The bar owner, thinner and quicker than the men in the tavern, moved around, pouring the now hot water from the kettle into a mug with a cloth pouch steeping in it and kneeling next to the feverish, ashen-faced woman, speaking quietly to her.
He spotted Nicholas and the brown haired girl beside him and started slightly at the symbol on Talin’s shoulder. “Please, whatever you can do…” Dmitri said as he waved Talin toward his wife on the bed. She clasped her small hands tightly making them white in color. Her eyes were calm, however, and oddly bluish gray in color. Healing was something she could do. It was what she knew. And she wasn't afraid of it either.
Talin pulled the small bag she always carried from her shoulder, as Dmitri and Nicholas left the room to check on the people in the tavern. Her hands and movements were slow and steady as she knelt by the woman and started working. She felt the woman's forehead and began to look at the color of her eyes, skin and tongue to see if anything was wrong.
The woman opened her eyes slightly, and from there, the Healer could see tinges of blue on the whites of them. “Hello… who..?” The sick woman began but her voice was crackly and hoarse, forcing Talin to shake her head and put a finger to her own lips.
“Don’t speak, ma’am. I’m here to help you, I’m a Healer.” The brown haired girl replied, pulling the woman’s hand to her face to examine the blue-tinged nails, and brittle, cracking dry skin.
“What?” Talin turned her eyes back to the woman’s face and found, to her surprise, that the sick woman was smiling at her.
“My name.” She rasped quietly. “It’s Aleksandra.” Aleksandra’s grip on Talin’s hand was very weak as she leaned back down into her pillows.
Talin bit her lip as her mind moved quickly thinking what needed to be done for Aleksandra. She began to pull out different items from her pouch. The herbs fell through her fingers at times as she discarded them for the sake of other various herbs. Finally, she put the pouch to the side and moved to the still boiling pot of water over the small fire on the far side of the room.
“Alright then, Aleksandra. I’m going to give you some medicine, to help you get better.” The Healer called as she ladled some of the hot water in a clean cup and then moved back to the woman’s bed with the cup and her herbs. She gave Aleksandra a swift smile to reassure her and began to treat the different herbs to the water. A few, she simply dipped in the water before pressing them against the woman’s dry skin. Others she allowed to soak into the water, while the final ones were crushed and then sprinkled into the water.
I have to make sure this woman gets better, I have no idea what I’m going to do if something happens to Aleksandra and I can’t get this right. It’s my duty to care for others, I will not fail!
There was a slight shuffling sound at the door and Talin turned to see Dmitri standing in the doorway, watching the Healer, as well as his wife, with fear and concern in his eyes.
"Help me sit her up." Talin waved her hand to beckon the tavern owner closer to aid her in getting Aleksandra to drink the remedy she’d just concocted. Dmitri moved obediently over to the bed and wrapped a strong arm around Aleksandra.
He lifted Aleksandra up carefully, brushing damp hair from her feverish, grey face. "Come on, darling. This girl is going to give you something to make you better, open your mouth." He whispered in his wife’s ear, helping the sick woman open her jaw.
Dmitri watched slowly as Talin gently poured the liquid down the woman's throat and stroked her throat allowing the liquid to flow down, desperation and hope written in his eyes as Aleksandra’s mouth closed and her throat muscles worked involuntarily to help the liquid reach her stomach. As he laid his wife gently back down on the pillows of the bed, he spoke. “Will that work, young Healer?
"I don't know," Talin said honestly. "I hope that it does, but there are so many factors that make it uncertain," she said shaking her head. "If my instinct is right however...things should be just fine," she said nodding her head curtly, but with some confidence in her eyes.
The man nodded and whispered fearfully. "I hope so, young one. The awful things she's been whispering since she got sick... they've been so horrible."
Meanwhile, back in the bar, the blonde girl scanned the room, and saw the man who’d defended the brown-haired girl earlier was suffering his own problems, so he wouldn’t be able to help her out of the trouble she was in. The man who’d knocked her to the floor and sent her knife flying had continued his momentum and slammed bodily into the opposite wall, his crossed eyes making it apparent he wouldn’t be leaving the floor in awhile. However, the blonde woman still had three other men to deal with. Her opponent and his buddies, now free of watching their catch, approached her carefully, slowly, almost hungrily by the look in their menacing glares.
As the blonde woman got to her feet, she growled deep in her throat and darted for her knife again, shooting her foot with a sharp kick into the groin of the man who’d followed her eyes and had started for the knife at the same time she had. He went down with a grunt, and then a groan as he slid to his knees, holding himself and then bent double with his skull touching the floor.
At the sight of seeing their friend taken down by such a low blow, the last two men left standing against the blonde girl both charged her at once. She scrambled away, standing as she turned to face them both, and following through with her knife to slice one of them in the shoulder. The man she cut hissed in pain, reaching out quickly to take the blonde girl by the throat and choke her. “You’ll pay for that, bitch.”
Then the desert warrior grabbed the blacksmith by the hair with his left hand, the right palm moving to his shoulder and swiveling, taking a step aside and trying to ram Geoff’s face into the wall behind him. However the blacksmith recovered quickly, snorted, and wrenched out of the other’s grasp roughly, his hands splayed against the wall to prevent the smaller man from ramming him into the wall. Shoving his body away from the wall, the blacksmith started to swing at the blonde man in his drunken stupor, who ducked the blows and retaliated by throwing his fist into the other man's ribcage, stepping forward to emphasize the blow’s effect.
As his ribs shattered, Geoff groaned quietly and a red bubble started to form over his mouth. When it burst, he gave a low gurgling, wet groan before slumping forwards as the blonde man grabbed his shirt and hauled the blacksmith up to his face. “Get out of here. Don’t make it worse for yourself.” The blonde man growled in his halting Lanthosian, his accent making it clear that he was from one of the more eastern cities of the desert. He let go of the blacksmith, who promptly fell face-first onto the floor with a quiet grunt as he drowned from the blood filling his lungs and it spilled from his mouth.
Wasting no time in reveling in his victory, the desert warrior shrugged uncaringly, stepped over the blacksmith’s body and toward the others. He grabbed his now empty tankard on his way past his own table and smashed it into the back of the head of the man who was strangling the blonde girl.
The man dropped the blonde girl promptly, who let out a squeak and moved quickly to get out of the way as the man who’d been choking her fell forward and landed flat on his face on the floor. Along with the thud that accompanied the falling body, there was a sickening crunch as the man’s nose broke.
Just as the final offender let out a howl of rage and started cracking his knuckles in preparation for finishing the brawl, the door of the tavern bursts open again, allowing a man and a woman to enter. Both were clad in black armor and the insignia on their cloaks and breastplates marked them as the Elite Guard of Lord Zapotna.
The blonde girl reached up to rub her neck as the woman strode into the room fully, sharp eyes taking in the scene and putting the pieces together of what had just happened. Without warning, the woman snapped her fingers at the man and then pointed at the final attacker. The man immediately walked to the last of the blacksmith’s friends and forcefully turned him around to tie his hands together behind his back with a thick length of rope.
“Lord Zapotna has issued his recommendation that all patrons of the tavern head home shortly after this or go to bed in whatever room you have upstairs. Bar brawls are not things that make Lanthos a pleasant place to visit." She snapped, pulling off her helm and shaking out dark cropped hair, glaring at all of the patrons that were left in the tavern. Then she and the man glanced at one another, nodded, and left the tavern, leaving silence in their wake as the patrons filed out after them, the very few left heading upstairs to rooms they had paid for the night.
When the Elite Guards left, the desert warrior moved back across the tavern to his table and retrieved the long object that he had leant up against it, wrapped in leather bindings, directing his broken Lanthosian to the blonde girl that was rubbing her neck, as if trying to rid herself of the memory. “You alright?” He asked in his strange accent.
The blonde girl nodded slowly, wiping the knife she had off on the inside of her long skirt’s hem and hiding it back away again in the waistband. “Yes, I’m just fine. A bit of a headache, but that will pass no doubt.”
The desert warrior nodded, turning away from the girl and giving only a sparing glance to the blacksmith’s corpse by the far wall. “Where is Healer?” He asked, wondering where the girl they’d helped to get out of trouble had gone off to, but his question was soon answered as Nicholas scurried towards them, looking breathless.
“Hi, thanks for helping Talin through. She’s trying to help my mother. Mother’s really ill and Talin’s a Healer.” Nicholas panted, his hands shaking with worry that what the Healer could do might not be enough for his mother.
Just then, the bar owner extricated himself from the back room and Nicholas stopped talking while he watched the whispered exchange between the Healer and his father. He was only able to hear bits and pieces phrases, but after a few moments, he realized that Dmitri was concerned the illness could come back.
Talin's voice was gentle, but firm, as she advised the man on how best to care for his wife. She didn't want him to be too worried, but at the same time, she wanted him to take care how he treated her so that he did not make the condition worse and blame either himself or her for that matter.
Looking relieved, the tavern owner thanked the girl kindly for her aid and strode quickly towards his son. “Nicholas, your mother’s awake and she’s asking to see you. Go to her, lad.” Dmitri murmured in a quiet voice as he reached his son and clapped him on the shoulder lightly.
Then he turned around at took in the chaos of his tavern, putting both hands on top of his head at the sight of the blacksmith’s corpse on the floor. “What happened out here?” He asked, looking at the people who had been standing by his son.
Thinking quickly Talin moved forward. "I have to thank you sir," she said looking at the blonde haired man. "You helped me very much and I owe you for that. It was very much appreciated." Her voice grew softer as she spoke and her eyes turned down, her hands clasped together.
The desert warrior nodded his head in response. “Don’t mention it.”
Then the blonde woman sighed, looked around and walked over to the Healer, resting her hands gently on Talin’s shoulders and whispering quietly. “You okay?”
Dmitri looked astonished and then actually gave a slight smile at the Healer, the blonde girl, and the desert warrior. "They helped you? Well then, they are responsible for allowing you to help my wife. You are welcome in my tavern anytime, sir, miss, and Talin. Free room and meals whenever you have need. Come, come, there are three rooms you can use upstairs on the far right. They're not luxurious, but the sheets are clean and free of bugs." He joked at them, moving behind the bar and digging under the counter for keys, and handed the desert warrior, the blonde girl, and Talin each a key.
“Thank you sir," Talin murmured taking the key before standing and looking at the other woman."I'll be fine it's just...I abhor violence and when people are hurt," she said honestly. It made her sad that someone had had to die. She wished that she could have saved him from that.
"These people would have hurt you if they could. You should not concern yourself with the loss of their lives." The desert warrior said quietly, before turning his back on them and striding up the old, solid wooden stairs to the rooms and fitting his key in the lock of the door that corresponded with the number on the handle.
"Thank-you, sir and sadly, Healer, that's true," The blonde girl said, nodding at the desert warrior’s retreating back as she grabbed one of the keys. A warm bed! That will be a nice change from the barns on the side of the road. “By the way, my name is Alriel. And yours?” The blonde girl asked, peering into the Healer’s eyes with curiosity.
“It’s Talin, Miss. The tavern owner got it right.” She said with a soft look before moving upstairs and finding her room on her own, with the blonde girl on her heels, yawning.
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
|Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:51 am Post subject:
|ooooooh loving this!! i wanna read more!!
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
|Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2012 6:54 am Post subject:
The next morning, Nicholas trudged his way into the main room of the tavern to find that his father was already hard at work cleaning up the last bits of mess left from the bar fight the night before, which seemed to be much easier with sunlight pouring in through the windows to work by. Dmitri waved a hand at Nicholas to come help him and when they were nearly finished, both father and son sniffed the air and smiled appreciatively. Aleksandra was cooking.
Marveling at the destruction from the night before as he and his father righted a table, Nicholas looked up at this father. “So the healer said she'd be fine, right? No lasting effects?”
Dmitri looked down at his son and picked up the wreckage of the chairs that had once been sitting around the circular table. "Yes, but we do have to make sure she drinks the strengthening teas that she gave us. Your mother is still very weak from the illness."
Nicholas nodded as he picked up several wooden mugs and placed them on a tray to take back to the kitchen and wash, when he spotted a pair of small feet in simple leather shoes striding down the stairs. “Hey Da! Talin’s up!” He called with a wide smile as Dmitri turned around and smiled at Talin, his eyes crinkling in the corners.
Talin returned Dmitri’s smile as she came down the stairs with her hands clasped in front of her. She was tired, but she had slept well. Her hair was pulled back in a strip of cloth that she kept in her small bag. She smiled at the two men in the front room. "Good morning."
“Good morning, Talin! I trust you slept well?” Nicholas called as he ducked into the kitchen with the tray of dirty dishes.
“Good day to you, and quite well thank-you.”Talin called back to the boy, turning as the desert warrior from last night followed her down the stairs, the leather wrapped bundle in his hands. She smiled and gave him a nod. “Good morning to you as well, sir.”
He nodded in response to the Healer’s greeting and then looked at Dmitri. “I must go. Thank-you for hospitality, other places to visit.” The desert warrior informed the tavern owner in his broken Lanthosian, just as the blonde girl fumbled down the stairs.
She was pulling her hair back into a sloppy ponytail, obviously not caring much about her looks at the moment. "Morning..." She said hesitantly, peering around at the damage and wincing at the reflection of herself in one of the windows. Even though she’d slept well, she had tossed and turned for the first portion of the night, and it showed in the dark circles under her eyes. Well, maybe I care more than I thought I did...
Dmitri frowned at the swordsman. "Nonsense, good sir. You can stay for a bit of breakfast. Aleksandra made sure to get up so she could feed you all. We are immensely grateful to all of you." Before the blonde girl, the desert warrior or Talin could argue, Aleksandra called to her husband to come pick up breakfast, and he made for the kitchen with a “Coming, dear!”
"I do nothing," the desert warrior called after the tavern owner’s retreated back, looking slightly disgruntled as he selected a chair that didn’t look like it had taken too much damage from the bar fight before, muttering under his breath in Elyrian. "Just didn't want to see the girl get hurt, that was all. I don't need food or anything in payment for it."
"How is she feeling this morning?" Talin asked moving towards the innkeeper's son. She was honestly worried about her patient. After all, she had not had the chance to see the woman since the night before and therefore did not know how she had fared since she had last seen her.
Nicholas turned as he responded to Talin. "She's doing a little better, still a bit shaky on her feet, but she can move and cook now, thankfully. I'm not sure how many nights of my cooking our poor tavern can stand."
A dull whack sounded from the kitchen, reminiscent of something metallic hitting something solid, perhaps a human hand. Then Dmitri’s voice can be heard saying "Ouch! Now Aleksandra, dear, just a nibble, go on..." And then another smack.
Nicholas looked flatly toward the kitchen. "It looks like you might be tending to my father soon as well. Would any of you like drinks while I go check on him?"
The blonde girl raised an eyebrow at the sound. "I honestly don't need anything to drink," she said to the boy before looking around.
“Drink? Um...I'm not sure... Should I look in on them? I can’t cook, but I’m sure I can do something…" Talin asked, her head tilted to the side before she stood up and dusted her shirt off, getting ready to go in and help, as she didn’t like when people were hurt.
"Ale, please." Erebus accepted with a grunt, unashamed, just as Aleksandra exited the kitchen, thin and weary-looking, but she bore a heavy tray in her hands, with several mugs, full to the brim of ale.
"Here we are... no thanks to your father, Nicholas.” She smiled at all of them, tired, but a real smile all the same, reaching over and squeezing her son’s shoulder gently. “Your breakfast will be out in a few minutes, assuming I can keep Dmitri out of it. Nicholas, my dear, will you bring the plates out while I finish breakfast?”
"Of course mother, but do keep in mind that we cannot afford to be paying for doctor visits so much, so try to avoid breaking father's head in." Nicholas replied with a grin, ducking a light smack to his arm as he ran in the kitchen to get plates.
Talin smiled at the woman, a little worried that she was back on her feet, but at the same time glad that she seemed to be doing well. She reached out and touched Aleksandra’s hand gently as the woman leaned over and started sliding the pints to each person.
The desert warrior reached over and brought the tankard to his mouth with barely a glance at the woman as she patted Talin’s hand and then started back into the kitchen, speaking to her son.
“Men and drinking, I swear," The blonde girl stated softly, watching the man take one of the drinks.
"Tell your father to keep his..." She stopped when she entered the kitchen, staring at the untouched food over the small fireplace. “Dmitri? Sweetheart?”
Nicholas looked around the kitchen. "That's odd, he was just here a moment ago." He told his mother, looking confused as his mother served up the food for their guests and handed the plates to him.
"Take these to our guests, and then go find your father.” She commanded quietly, drifting off in thoughts of where Dmitri could have wandered off to.
Nicholas turned and walked into the other room with a smirk toward his mother. "Yes ma'am.”
When Talin tapped her arm the blonde girl looked over, just as the cook-boy from last night entered the main room, his arms laden with food. “Yes?”
“I’m sorry to bother you but, you helped distract the men from me last night.. both of you..” Talin said, tapping the desert man’s arm too. “And I don’t know either one of your names… or at least, I don’t remember if you told them to me. I was kind of one-track minded last night.”
The blonde woman gave Talin a weak and thin smile before she responded. “Alriel, good to know you, Healer.” She reached out to shake the girl’s hand briefly before snagging a plate of food from the boy.
Meanwhile, Nicholas moved swiftly and efficiently table to table, setting plates before his guests. "Courtesy of my mother's divinely inspired cooking. Enjoy." He sat down with his own plate that his mother had sent out and started to eat his fill.
Talin bit her lip as she looked around, feeling awkward doing nothing, but at the same time she had a bad feeling that if she tried to help in the kitchen she would be more likely to make things worse than better. That was what the midwife always told her at least. So she sighed heavily and started to dig into the good solid breakfast before her.
The desert warrior looked up from his plate and nodded to the boy. “It’s good.” He conceded, applying himself heartily to the eggs before he looked over at the girl who’d asked his name. “Erebus.” He grunted in his strange accent before returning to his breakfast.
While they all began to enjoy their breakfast, the door of the tavern opened to let someone enter, a person wrapped tightly in a cloak and leaning heavily on a gnarled cane, the posture bent over and almost curling around just as the handle did. A young woman followed the cloaked person inside, immediately slipping her hand under the arm that wasn’t clutched on the curved wood of the cane.
Talin bit her lip before nodding at the grunting desert warrior then she shrugged and pulled the plate of food toward her. She ate slowly savoring the different flavors; Talin had never had a meal this delicious. She was going to have to thank the woman for this and find some way to repay her for the meal.
Just as the young woman assisted her much older companion into a chair, a high pitched but muffled scream tore through the air of the tavern, coming from the room past the kitchen entrance. The cloaked person pointed a gnarled finger at the direction of the sound, turning her head to look at his/her attendant. The young woman nodded sprinted in the direction of the scream, her hand moving immediately to draw the dagger at her belt.
Nicholas was close on the young woman’s heels, having recognized the screams as his mother’s. "Mother? What's wrong?" He cried out to the woman.
Both girls left at the table rose up and scarpered after Nicholas, the Healer in the lead, their breakfast forgotten, leaving the desert warrior to scoop up the leather wrapped object by his side before he followed them at a more sedate pace.
Nicholas followed the woman through the kitchen and watched as she wrenched open the door that led to the meat storage room. He marveled briefly at the ease the with which young woman tugged the door open, being three times her height and weight, but he stopped at the sight of his mother kneeling in the room, sobbing below Dmitri, who was hanging from the ceiling upside down, disemboweled with a deep cut across his neck, the steady drip of blood making the large puddle in the floor shiver with each drop.
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
|Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2012 1:09 pm Post subject:
Talin was the first to come up behind Nicholas. She placed her hand on the boy’s shoulder gently, a gasp of shock announcing her presence to the others as tears pricked her eyes. Another form stepped up behind Talin; it was the blonde girl Alriel. She stopped dead in her tracks and glanced between Nicholas, his mother, and the body sickeningly dangling from the ceiling.
The cloaked person’s attendant knelt down next to Aleksandra and softly spoke to her, pulling her up with more gentleness than any person would have believed capable of this silent female to display. She led Aleksandra toward Nicholas, before turning back to the tavern owner and his cruel fate.
Then she knelt back down and inspected the floor beneath Dmitri's body, avoiding the blood carefully. Satisfied there wass nothing of interest there, the woman shot a disgusted look up at the body, drawing her dagger and cutting the man down from the ceiling slowly. "Get the boy out of here. He shouldn't see this.." Her voice sounded quiet and hushed, as if it had not been used in a long time.
Obediently, Aleksandra stumbled toward her son, wrapping her arms tightly around him, sobbing softly, just as the Healer girl approached them, a slight quiver in her plea. "P-please, come away..." She urged, slipping an arm around Aleksandra's shoulders and giving a gentle push toward the door.
Nicholas, who had seemed to be in a stupor since seeing his father's body dangling from the ceiling, cleared his throat and spoke up, hugging his mother fiercely. "Whoever did this... could still be around. We should find him and make sure he does not claim another."
"Peace boy, the culprit has moved on. He found his target." The woman replied, having held up the inside of the man's wrist and noting the spiral brand on the inside of it. "This mark is your proof that he was the only one marked for death here." She snapped, looking furious as she stood up.
"My father was a kind man, who was well respected, and did nothing but run a tavern. Who would want to kill him?" Nicholas retorted, his fists clenched but held to his sides.
Talin moved her attention to Aleksandra. "Please come away," she begged gently. "You don't need this kind of stress, Miss Aleksandra, you're still healing." At Talin's urging, Aleksandra turned away from the sight of her dead husband, her hands and clothing covered in blood. The Healer drew the tavern owner's widow out of the room, a pitying look warring with curiosity on her face as she looked back at the cloaked woman and Nicholas. Then she busied herself with finding water to clean Aleksandra's face and hands.
As he saw the owner's wife re-enter the main portion of the tavern with the Healer, Erebus, the tall Elyrian swordsman, ducked into the back room and followed the sound of voices into the larder, folding his arms over his chest and leaning his shoulder against the left side of the door frame.
Meanwhile, the hooded and cloaked woman stood up from her kneeling position, dropping the owner's arm. "Maybe he is now, boy, but do you have any idea of what he was when he was your age?" As she looks out at them, they can see her face, despite the hood over her hair. Her eyes were a piercing ice-blue color and she looked incensed.
Nicholas eyed the cloaked woman up and down before he replied, his voice cool and even. "Who are you? Explain yourself, if you know why someone would do this."
"Do you know something about this then?" Erebus asked the woman with a frown in his native tongue.
"I've been tracking this same murderer for nearly a year now. He targets those who wear that brand that your father does as well." She pointed at the owner's wrist as she directs her answer to Nicholas.
"And what does the brand mean then?" For someone who didn't speak Lanthosian, Erebus seemed to understand it fairly well.
"It means he used to be involved with some people that you don't just walk away from. And by the looks of things, he tried." The cloaked woman answered, viewing Erebus with something akin to bemusement.
"Who is that you brought with you?" he asked, glancing back towards the elderly-seeming person back in the main room of the tavern.
"My mentor. She is very wise, and I wouldn't cross her if I were you." The cloaked woman warned carefully, eyeing the Elyrian swordsman again and then looking over at Nicholas, as if to make a point.
Internally, the blonde girl groaned. As much as she wanted to walk out, she stood there, brushing bangs out of her face. "An organization of sorts then?" she asked, going against her gut, wanting to find out more.
Nicholas sighed heavily and leaned against the wall, and closing his eyes as he became resigned to the fact that not everything was going to be as cut-and-dry as he wanted it to be. He needed to avenge his father's murder, no matter what this bitch said.
The cloaked woman crossed her arms in front of her, gazing at each of them in turn before she spoke again. "Originally, they started off as a group of tradesman, wanting to do business with each other but instead of having to pay with coin, they would barter services. Also, they would refer their customers and patrons to each other.... but then someone got greedy and made a deal with an outside force."
Alriel's eyes narrowed and she flicked another strand of blonde hair out of her eyes. "An outside force? Like what?"
The cloaked woman smiled grimly and held her hands up, open palmed. "Who knows. All I know is their assassin has been at this for at least a year now. There were seven tradesmen at the beginning of the bargain. Now there are only two alive left. When an eighth party broke their pact with his greed, the other seven took off and all ran to different parts of the world. And he's let them sit quietly, letting them think they got away, until now. I don't know what suddenly changed the circumstances, but I do know that it has to stop."
"And the illnesses that are going around? Do they have to do with any of this?" Alriel added, starting to see a pattern.
"What illnesses?" Erebus asked in broken Lanthosian, glancing back at the blonde girl in confusion, unsure why they'd be related.
The woman shrugged at Alriel. "I don't know. It is possible but, I can't find a link between the two." Then she moved over to Nicholas, gripping his shoulder firmly. "Come on boy, you need to get out of this room. It's not good for you to stew and hate without grieving first."
As the cloaked woman tried to convince Nicholas to leave the room, Alriel turned toward the swordsman and sighed. "There is an illness that is going around Lanthos. Probably the same one that the woman had last night. A few years ago, before I left my home, it was going around there as well. That is, if the rumors are true."
"Why it matter?" Erebus asked, his brows knitting in confusion as he stumbled over the unfamiliar language.
Alriel shrugged at the swordsman "It was just a thought that had crossed my mind."
Nicholas cleared his throat again and looked up at the cloaked woman with her hand on his shoulder. "How can we bring this person to justice?" How can I get vengeance on my father's murder?
"By helping me find him. Come on." She wrapped a grip of steel around Nicholas's upper arm and pulled him away from the wall. It was easy to tell that she was far stronger than her slight figure implied.
Nicholas walked beside her without resisting. "Explain."
"I've got two left to find and stop before this is over, boy. If the assassin gets to them before I do..." As she walked out into the main room with him, her eyes came to rest on her mentor, who turned around to face them at just that moment, a set of moss-green eyes looking out towards them from the many folds of robes and scarves about the elderly woman's form. "My mentor warns of terrible things happening."
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
|Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:20 am Post subject:
|o0o and the plot thickens!! love it, Lil =) i think Erebus is my favorite. =)
Joined: 25 Oct 2012
Location: Penna, having a hot cup of tea
|Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 8:08 am Post subject:
|As Andolyn said, the plot thickens! :D This is a great start to what I think is going to be a very awesome story.
I spotted some typos along the way as I read (bear with me as I'm doing the preface and both chapters all at once...)
Lilith wrote: In the rein of Lord Zapotna...
Lilith wrote: They say it one that addles the mind and makes the inflicted see or hear things that are not there supposedly. Those in the climax of the fever have glazed, and black eyes, and speak of a time approaching quickly...
Remove “supposedly” (as this is already established by “They say” at the beginning of the sentence) and “and”. Add is between “it” and “one."
Lilith wrote: Nicholas called back as he started slicing hanks of meat from the roasting piece of boar that was slowly cooking over the large fireplace and then dished the potatoes from the pan he had cooking over a smaller cook-fire in a pit under the hole in the roof that let all the smoke go out and could be shut with the pull of a cord when it rained.
Overly long sentence. I would suggest splitting it where I have the bold "and" (a period after fireplace, “He” to begin the next sentence).
Lilith wrote: Nicholas dished up five plates of boar meat and potatoes, sniffing appreciatively as he exited the kitchen balancing all of them and heading for the table that had ordered them.
Add a comma between these two.
Lilith wrote: He set down each plate of boar and potatoes with a flourish as he served them, grinning at the motley collection of man who were looking at him in confusion.
Lilith wrote: "…So I just named off some dishes that I think you might like in the future, rather than always ordering the same boring thing every night you come here”
Needs a period at the end of the sentence.
Lilith wrote: Nichols shook his head at her and kissed his mother on the forehead. He and his father both hadn’t contracted the illness and they assumed they never would. “I love you too Mother.”
When he finally returned to the tavern’s main room, Nicholas saw that most of the patrons had left with the exception of the usual stragglers as well as…
Nicholas. Put commas between the two sets of bolded words.
Lilith wrote: The man had a blacksmith’s build and was about 6 foot, 5 inches tall...
The fact that the man is a blacksmith, or has a blacksmith’s build, is established earlier, so this seems a bit redundant (or maybe it’s me :?) I would suggest a more simpler/generic reference to his size/strength and focus on the height.
Lilith wrote: The Healer put a hand over her mouth to keep from being sick as she was shook around and the violent, sudden movement made her stomach toss and turn in her abdomen. “Sir, please stop shaking me.” She whispered, shuddering in his grip.
End the sentence at “around” and start a new one at “the” (it doesn’t seem to flow quite right in its current state). Make the period a comma after “me” and make the s in “She” lower case.
Lilith wrote: The blonde woman that entered the bar…
Place “had” between the two bolded words.
Lilith wrote: ...stood slowly, Bar fights weren't something that she normally didn't tolerate, and…
Make the comma after “slowly” a period.
Lilith wrote: Slowly, she reached out and began to ease the knife out of its case, but the man shook her again, the one he still gripped tightly.
Because I don’t know the body part referred to as “the one” it just reads odd. Maybe “by the arm he still gripped tightly”? Or it could be omitted entirely.
Lilith wrote: "Please don't work 'round here missy…" Then he looked over at his friends still seated at the table three of them, all built like him except varying in height, hair, and eye color.
Place single quotations around “Please.” Add a comma between the two bolded words.
Lilith wrote: His friends joined in the chuckling afterward as if their leader had just made the best joke in the land.
I considered the blacksmith their leader, but I don’t think he’s the one that made the statement (I could be mistaken on both accounts). Maybe change it to the blacksmith, if it is supposed to be him, or change “their leader” to “their friend.”
Lilith wrote: I’m was going to do something about it. She stood on a nearby chair, drawing back her dishwater blonde bangs and shook her head as she...
Take out “was” and change “shook” to “shaking”
Lilith wrote: While Geoff and the male stranger are having their tiff, the blonde girl...
...dodged it and brought his hand down soundly over her ear.
...sending her five-foot, nine-inch form fall to the floor hard...
Were. Comma after “it,” change “brought” to “bringing.” Falling.
Lilith wrote: The man first spun away from the larger man...
As the next action is not included in the same sentence, don’t need this.
Lilith wrote: Talin, saw the woman lying on the bed in the little room, a small fire going in the fireplace with a kettle of water over it. The bar owner was in there, thinner and quicker than the ones outside, moves around...
Remove comma and “was in there,” change “moves” to “moved.”
Lilith wrote: "What?” Talin turned her eyes back to the woman’s face, and found to her surprise, that the sick woman was smiling at her.
Comma between bolded words.
Lilith wrote: Finally she put the pouch to the side and moved...
Comma between bolded words.
Lilith wrote: A few, she simply dipped in the water before pressing them against the woman’s dry skin. Others she allowed to soak into the water while the final ones were crushed and then sprinkled into the water.
Remove comma, place comma between bolded words.
Lilith wrote: There was a slight shuffling sound at the door and Talin turned to see Dmitri standing in the doorway and watching the Healer as well as his wife with fear and concern in his eyes.
Remove “and,” place comma between both sets of bolded words.
Lilith wrote: The man she cut hisses in pain and reaches a hand out quickly to take the blonde girl by the throat and starts to squeeze.
Change sentence to the past tense (“hissed,” “reached,” etc.), replace “and” with a comma.
Lilith wrote: Shoving his body away from the wall, the blacksmith started to swing at the blonde man in his drunken stupor, who ducked the blows and retaliating by...
Lilith wrote: As the his ribs shattered, Geoff groaned quietly...
Lilith wrote: He grabbed his now empty tankard on his way past his own table and smashes it into the back of the head...
Lilith wrote: Then she and the man glance at one another, nod, and head out of the tavern, leaving silence in their wake as the patrons file out shortly after them, the very few left heading upstairs to rooms they had paid for the night.
Change sentence to the past tense (“glanced,” “nodded,” etc.)
Lilith wrote: When the Elite Guards left, the desert warrior moved back across the tavern to his table and retrieved the long object that he had leant up against it, wrapped in leather bindings, directing his broken Lanthosian to the blonde girl that was rubbing her neck, as if trying to rid herself of the memory.
End sentence at “bindings,” start new sentence “He directed...”
Lilith wrote: The blonde girl nodded slowly, wiping the knife she had off on the inside of her long skirt’s hem and hiding back away...
Add “it” between bolded words.
Lilith wrote: Just then, the bar owner extricated himself from the back room and Nicholas fell silent as he watched the silent exchange between the Healer and his father...
Double silent is jarring. Maybe change one to “quiet”?
Lilith wrote: Talin's voice was gentle but firm as she advised the man on how best to care for his wife.
Comma after “gentle” and “firm.”
Lilith wrote: The desert warrior said quietly, before turning his back on them and striding up the old but solid wooden stairs to the rooms...
Comma after “old” and “solid.”
Lilith wrote: The next morning, Nicholas trudged his way into the man room of the tavern...
Lilith wrote: Marveling at the destruction from the night before as he and his father right a table, Nicholas looks up at this father.
Lilith wrote: Before the blonde girl, the desert warrior or Talin can argue...
Lilith wrote: "Take these to our guests, and then go find out where your father's wandered off to..." She commanded quietly, drifting off in thoughts of where Dmitri could have wandered off to.
Double use of “wandered off to,” change one to “gone,” or something similar.
Lilith wrote: “I’m sorry to bother you but, you helped distract the men from me last night.. both of you..” Talin said, tapping the desert man’s arm too. “And I don’t know either one of your names.”
Alriel said her name last night when she asked for Talin’s, so Talin did get Alriel’s at least. Of course, maybe there were other things on Talin’s mind, so she didn’t hear/notice – this could be expressed something like “Talin knew the blonde woman had said her name last night before they had gone to bed, but she was so worried about the tavern owner’s wife, and the dead man on the floor, that she took little notice of it.”
Lilith wrote: While they all began to enjoy their breakfast, the door of the tavern opened to let someone enter, a person wrapped tightly in a cloak and leaning heavily on a gnarled cane, the posture bent over and almost curling around just as the handle did, and a young woman at the cloaked person's side, hand under their arm to aid them. There is no telling of the cloaked person's gender or age, except by the fine boned hand curled around the handle of his/her cane with long, curled finger nails, the skin very wrinkled and tanned.
End sentence at “did,” start next sentence “There was a....” Change “is” to “was.” The last part of the last sentence read a bit weird to me, maybe rearrange it to read as “...except by the fine boned hand, skin wrinkled and tanned with long curled finger nails, that wrapped around the handle of the cane.”?
Lilith wrote: Just as the young woman assisted her much older companion into a chair, a high pitched scream rent through the air of the tavern, coming from the room past the kitchen entrance, but muffled as if from very far away. The cloaked person pointed a gnarled finger at the direction of the sound and looks at his/her attendant, nodded and tore off running, hand moving immediately to draw the dagger at her belt.
Move “but muffled” after “high pitched.” Remove “as if from very far away,” as this is portrayed enough by the “but muffled” part.
Lilith wrote: ...but he decided not to follow them completely past the kitchen, turning and returning to the main room, keeping one eye on the old person, sitting so still in its cloak, he could swear it was listening.
Instead. Add “who was” between “,” and “sitting,” remove comma after “cloak.”
Lilith wrote: Nicholas followed the young girl through the room past the kitchen (the larder) and watched as the girl wrenched open the door at the back of it, leading to the place where the meat was hung and stored until needed. He marveled briefly at the ease the young woman tugged the door open, being three times her height and weight, but he stopped at the sight of his mother kneeling in the room, sobbing below Dmitri, who was hanging from the ceiling upside down, disemboweled and a deep cut across his neck, the steady drip of blood making the large puddle in the floor shiver with each drop.
Change this part of the sentence to “…through the larder, a room just past the kitchen, and...” rather than have the larder part in parenthesis. Add “with which” between “ease” and “the.” Change “and” to “with.”
I LOVE the imagery here! Nicely done!
Lilith wrote: Talin was the first to come up behind Nicholas and placed her hand on the boy’s shoulder gently, a gasp of shock announcing her presence to the others as tears pricked her eyes.
End sentence at “Nicholas,” start new sentence “She placed....”
Lilith wrote: Satisfied there's nothing of interest there...
Lilith wrote: "Peace boy, the culprit has moved on. He found his target." The old woman's attendant replied...
We haven’t found out that the old person was a woman yet, that’s still a few paragraphs away.
Lilith wrote: Talin moved her attention to the innkeeper's newly made widow.
I would put Aleksandra’s name hear. It is noted later in the same paragraph that she is a widow, and I think it’s important/best to establish her name first (I know she’s the only widow around, but still...).
Lilith wrote: Her eyesare a piercing ice-blue color and right now, she looked incensed.
Change “are” to “were,” remove “right now,.”
Lilith wrote: "Who is that you brought with you?" he asked, glancing back towards the elderly-seeming woman back in the main room of the tavern.
Again, we don’t find out, as the reader, that the old person is a woman until the next paragraph (it is possible that Erebus noticed when he was watching her before he went into the larder, though it might need to be noted in that scene).
Lilith wrote: The cloaked woman warns carefully, eyeing the Elyrian swordsman again and then looking over at Nicholas, as if to make a point.
Lilith wrote: The cloaked woman crossed her arms in front of her, gazing at each of them in turn before she speaks again. "Originally, they started off as a group of tradesman, wanting to do business with each other in trade, rather than having to pay, and also would refer their customers and patrons to each other.... and then someone got greedy and made a deal with an outside force."
Spoke. Remove “in trade.” Add “someone else” (or something similar), end the sentence there, and start the new sentence as “They also....” Change “and” to “but.”
Lilith wrote: “...There were seven tradesmen at the beginning of bargains. Now there are two. When the eighth broke their pact with his greed, they took off and all ran to different parts of the world. And he's let them sit quietly and in peace, until now. Letting them think they got away. I don't know what suddenly changed the circumstances, but I do know that it has to stop."
Add “the.” Combine the sentences by putting the sentence “Letting them...” before “until now.” Better flow.
Lilith wrote: "What illnesses?" Erebus asks in broken Lanthosian...
Lilith wrote: As she walked out into the main room with him, her eyes came to rest on her mentor, who turned around to face them just that moment...
Add “at” between the bolded words.
I wanted to mention that maybe you could put in a brief description of the brand on Dmitri’s wrist. It would be a good visual to add. There were a few places in Part 2 of Chapter 2 that Alriel’s name was spelled as Ariel.
I also wasn’t quite sure of Nicholas’s age until the end when he was marveling at the strength of the young, cloaked woman. I realized that he was older, probably a teenager, not the kid I pictured him as in the beginning (I might have missed the cues, though…).
And...done. I know, I know it’s a lot! (I’m sorry :oops: ) I think it will help in the long run, though, especially if you plan on publishing this in the future.
Also, kudos on using 3rd person omniscient! It is a lot of work to cover the thoughts/actions of so many characters and get all that detail in there without being too repetitive.
Great job! Keep going! I need to read more! :P
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
|Posted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 6:39 pm Post subject:
|Thanks for the thorough review and corrections. :shock: I've made edits to make things clearer and corrected some of the tense phrasings that got mixed up from transfers. Keep your eyes open for Chapter 4 soon!