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Thegaywizardly



Joined: 12 Feb 2016
Posts: 13

Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:56 pm    Post subject: I like dirt  

A man knows a time when the truth matters most to him. It's the practise of harmony that he is responsible to do so. If the time will come is a persons freedom and he or she may prepare or simply attune. When I think about it I become aware of you. And so here we are, are you there? I had a moment of expert recall and you find the exactitude in my story even when you're not really thinking about it. Is it even a story. Your presence causes me to harbour so many questions, and I will answer as many as I can but know it only as a guess. The density of my reflective truth will only be from those I trust I don't know.

Brian took a step in the right direction. He knew his thoughts were on track. He could feel the objective truth of others and he knew he could rely on knowledge to guide him in his choices. Now there was the matter of Delilah.

"Fuck!? Why would you say that then?" Sean paced.the room. He was talking to himself again. He did this when he was stressed trying to pull deeper into the mentality. It was comfortable for him to surround himself with himself. He was a bit of a narcisist that way.

He stopped and let out a sigh.

"Right you either get out of my head or I start telling on you." he said. He approached the window.

"Okay, it's time." He said. He ate the sandwich in his hand. It was delicious. This was how he dealt with his narcisism reaching the cold light of day. By eating. It was no surprise that he was huge. The insecurity built up from his size was frightening. But he had a way of dealing with it. You guessed it. Narcisism. Delilah walked in the room.

"Oh thank god you're here!" He said.

"You better make this important enough to have called me here. You know better than most the counts feelings towards our being together." She said.
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 8:05 pm    Post subject:  

Very interesting start, here. And welcome to the City!

This, I'm guessing, is your prologue, since we weren't given a DP. The first paragraph was very poetic, and the feel of the whole thing is very chaotic, but I'm interested to see where you go with it. We have several writers here who turn chaos into beautiful things. =)

Again, welcome to the City, traveller! I hope you come to find home with us here.
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Seraphi



Joined: 25 Oct 2012
Posts: 503
Location: Penna, having a hot cup of tea

Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2016 11:39 am    Post subject:  

Welcome to If!

And well done on a very interesting start to this story. As Andi said, we have a lot of stories that become beautiful even if they start with a bit of disorder and mystery. I'm eager to see where you take us :3
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Thegaywizardly



Joined: 12 Feb 2016
Posts: 13

Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2016 5:35 pm    Post subject:  

"It's the fact that he is our father. I can't help but notice how much he loves you over me." Said Sean, he took another bite of his sandwich.

"I travelled four hundred miles on horse back to listen to your self pity again? I thought you were over this. So what we had sex, I didn't ask you to feel guilty about it. You didn't have to tell him." Said Delilah.

"He still believes I raped you!" He said.

"I know! And raise your voice again to me and I'll tell him what he thinks is true. Then there'll be no forgiveness for your precious image," she said haughtily. Sean turned his back on Delilah and faced the window again.

"Why don't you just tell him the truth?" He whispered.

"What was that? Muttering in grace are we? You know what happens when you keep secrets. Ever since father cursed you, you know that the future will change and not in your favour," she said.

"Tell him the truth," he said. Sean turned to face his twin sister. "How old are we now? Is it four or five thousand years? When did you lose count?" He walked across the room to her. "I want to die but I don't have the balls to step out into the sun and incinerate myself because I know what's waiting for me on the other side," he said.

"Don't you think I'm sick of all this harmonious symmetry too?" She said. "It doesn't take three thousand one hundred and thirty one years two months and six days to work out when you know you're beat."

Sean sat in the only chair in the room and put his face in his hands. He was beside himself. Again. His gift was that of prophecy and part of that gift was knowing your whole fate. This included hell. Hell for being a vampire. Delilahs gift was harmony in being, it meant she could lie and cheat without getting caught the only drawback was when she broke harmony she felt the consequences of it, hard.

"Okay, say I do tell him the truth, where would that leave him? Ashamed of all he has left of his humanity? I'm the only thing holding father together. He's proud of me," she said.

Sean sat and Delilah stood in silence for some time after she spoke. Finally Sean looked up at Delilah.



Brian walked briskly down the street. He was in good spirits. He always was when things were going his way. He had become more clinical with happiness in his maturity but at the moment he knew everyone was like that, in a way. He took another step in some direction, the verity of it reflected by his abstinence of lies.

When he got to the end of the street he looked left, then right, then pointed out to the left and followed his finger. Spontaneity in decisive actualisation of potentiality. He knew how not to be followed. And he was always looking over his shoulder these days, despite how happy he was.

He took out his scrying globe, it was a fist sized piece of crystal that told you the whereabouts of those you loved. Then he thought, if I love myself, could I find out where I am? No, it was too dangerous, he didn't know who was in his head so he couldn't know where he was. Could he?




Okay dp is what Brian should do next, I know this is a bit of a hodge podge chapter but there is method to the madness. I hope you enjoyed.
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Seraphi



Joined: 25 Oct 2012
Posts: 503
Location: Penna, having a hot cup of tea

Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2016 8:29 am    Post subject:  

Another interesting chapter. I'm still a bit confused, but I trust I will understand in time.

Now for the DP...I say Brian uses the scrying globe anyway. Maybe he'll somehow come into contact with Sean, who seems to have a penchant for having people in his head, too.
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Novelest_Ninjagirl



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 698
Location: The inn. Probably. Come check!

Posted: Tue Mar 08, 2016 11:12 pm    Post subject:  

So it's chaotic enough that on my first read I couldn't make sense of it, but a few rereads and I'm beginning to make sense of it. It's not my usual cup of tea, but for now it seems intriguing enough to keep me along for the ride! I'm not going to try and offer suggestions for the choppiness, since I'm getting the impression that is intentional. I only mention it on the off chance it isn't.

I did notice one thing in the prologue that tripped me up

Quote: You know better than most the counts feelings towards our being together."

If that's a title, as it does appear to be from context, it needs to be capitalized. Other than that, there weren't any errors that jumped out at me or really slowed me down.

As for the first chapter, woah, several revelations cram packed into what is a relatively small amount of text. Siblings? Vampires? Thousands of years old? Not to mention the apparently illicit relations and all the consequences of such. The stakes have definitely been raised- pun not intended. Okay, maybe a smidge intended.

DP wise, I say that instead he perhaps attempts to scry for someone else. If he doesn't have anyone specific in mind, maybe instead see who it directs him towards?
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