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Rite of passage Goto page 1, 2, 3  Next   (currently a favorite of )    Storygames Home -> -> The Archives View previous topic :: View next topic   Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 9:55 pm    Post subject: Rite of passage Chapter one: Questions "Why Mother?" I asked, and saw the look I knew so well come over her face, the look she always gave when I asked questions about our family. As usual, she pretended she hadn't heard me at first. "Why what?" she turned her face away as she spoke. "Why don't we live at Grimshaw in Alderland with the rest of our clan?" My mother sighed deeply and knelt down so she could place her hands on my shoulders, she looked hard at me with her kind blue eyes in a way she never had before. For a moment, I thought she would finally tell me the reason instead of dismissing the question like so many other times, But to my disappointment she just sighed again. "We live here in Atrina, Hal, because your father wished too." And with that slowly stood up and continued her interrupted work. My father had died before I was born, but I knew this wasn't the real reason. The Aldora clan was wealthy and prosperous in Grimshaw, the lands they owned in Alderland, the idea that any man would leave a life of ease for the barren desserts of Atrina was ridiculous. I should have known that my mother did not wish me to know whatever secret she held and let the matter lay, but I was young and lacked the sense that I have now, and continued my questions. "But we will go there someday, will we mother?" "Whatever for Hal?" "So I can take the trial of Kala and prove myself a man" To my surprise my mother's face paled and she looked at me with something like fear in her eyes. "Who has told you about Kala?" she almost whispered, her voice quivering "No-one Mother, I've always known about it, somehow" She closed her eyes and was silent for a moment. "When you are older son," she said in the same, quivering voice, "when you are older". I got older, a bit wiser, and questioned my Mother less and less about our clan and her secret, but I still thought of Kala. One day, I remember that I was fifteen, and that it was fall, I man came ridding up on a horse to what was laughingly called our farm, and alighted near the fence I was sitting on. As he approached, an odd sensation came over me. I thought of my Father, though I didn't know why, and stared at the stranger longer then was polite to with out speaking. He Looked at me and smiled warmly, gave a low, pleasant-sounding chuckle, and offered his hand. "You must be Hal. My if you aren't the very image of your father! I'm your uncle Donovan, your father’s brother." Nearly falling of the fence with surprise, I jumped up and stared at the man in shock, to stunned to take the hand he offered. He chuckled again in his pleasant way before speaking: "I know you must be surprised to see me, It’s been nearly fifteen years since I saw your mother last, and I've never met you at all, is your mother home? I have some urgent matters to discuss with her." She was home, but for a minute I was tempted to say she wasn't. There were so many things I wished to ask my uncle, questions I'd had since childhood that mother couldn't or wouldn't answer. Sensing my hesitation, Uncle Donovan leaned in closer and spoke lower then he had before "We'll have plenty of time for talk later son, and I must speak with you mother right away" I smiled and nodded, relieved to hear he wouldn’t be vanishing anytime soon "She's at the house follow me" As we made our way to the house, my uncle whistled a little tune with his hands in his pockets, already I liked him very much, I felt like knowing him would be the next best thing to knowing father, who mother was the most silent about of all. "Mother!" I cried as we neared the house, "Look who's come!" My mother appeared from the front door, an expectant smile on her face, until she saw who it was I had with me. "Hello Bella!" Uncle Donovan called, waving "It’s been too long, hasn't it?" My mother took a deep breath and crossed her arms "Why are you here, Donovan?" she demanded sternly, a tone of voice I seldom heard her use. "Why Bella, you know exactly why I'm here, and that’s hardly a way to greet family is it?" For the first time, a fire sprang up in my mother's eyes "No!" she said quietly but sharply "You are no family of mine! And you can't claim tradition to help you either, Hal is only half Aldora!" I was amazed at my Mother's reaction to her brother-in-law, it defied everything I thought of her, and what did she mean about tradition? Uncle Donovan chuckled again, not so pleasantly this time "But he is HALF Aldora, Bella, therefore the choice is his, you can't ignore tradition any more that I can claim it, you-" "What ARE you talking about?" I interrupted, growing a little angry at both of them for arguing at what I wanted to be a happy reunion. My mother raised her eyebrows and cocked her head at Uncle Donovan, waiting. "I have come to take you to Grimshaw, Hal; you have reached the age for facing Kala. This is your chance to be accepted into the Aldora clan." A surge of joy swept over me, at last! Leaving this pitiful farm, leaving this barren desert, finding answers to all the questions I had wondered about for so long, I was terrified that I would wake up and find I was dreaming. " "Hal," came my mothers calm, loving voice busting into my happy thoughts, "Hal, listen to me, if you want to live in peace, you will not go with your uncle" For the second time that day, I nearly fell over with shock, what did she mean? "The choice is HIS, Bella, you can't influence him," then turning to me: "Well son, what of it?" he asked simply. I looked from my uncle's laughing brown eyes to my mother's pleading blue ones. I felt I would burst. What does Hal do? Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Wed Jun 14, 2006 6:47 am; edited 11 times in total Back to top Author WolfeBane Guest Items Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 9:58 pm    Post subject: very good start geekgirl Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 10:23 pm    Post subject: Hey Geek Girl, A great opening to your story. This really could expand well into a good storygame. Spelling was good - with only a couple of typo's like using 'to' instead of 'too'. The only thing that put me off was the spacing. The whole thing is clumped together in a big, hard-to-read, lump. New lines after dialogue make all the difference. The decision point is a big one, but I'm not sure whether both options are really viable choices - could you continue writing this if everyone votes to stay with his mum? What would you write about if that happened? Storygame authors have to be ready for anything and I hope you are. Keep it coming, Happy Writing. P.S As a new fantasy storygame don't forget to advertise your story in here... _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author sparta12 Honored Citizen Joined: 24 Jan 2005 Posts: 1201 Location: Victoria, Australia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 2:25 am    Post subject: Nice opening chapter! Also Smee missed one of your spelling errors, which I'm suprised at where you said of instead of off. Anyway I gotta say the poll is a little linear but hey some of the other stories are like that so I can't complain. Looking forward to the next chapter! _________________ May have accidentally come up with a new Sci-Fi Storygame. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2005 8:36 pm    Post subject: Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I was typing at 2am and not really myself, I'll work on the spacing and everything. Oh, as for the choice, it will drastically change depending who Hal stays with, it's actually one of the two most important choices he will make. Looking forward to more input! _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author NOTLD223 Guest Items Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 12:46 pm    Post subject: Nice Very Nice this is very very good. I liked it a lot, I'm GOING to NOMINATE this. Very nice work you have here. Keep it up. But I do think that the fifteen year old kid, can't remeber his name. Shouldn't go to the trials of kala because his mother apparently seems to have a good reason that he shouldn't go, even if the reason is unkwown. Because she wouldn't have reacted that way to her brother in law if he really meant well or was suggesting something that could do no harm. --------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 1 of The Merchants escape is revised. BOO YA! Back to top Author Shogun Respected Citizen Joined: 15 Aug 2005 Posts: 628 Location: In your nightmares, feeding on your fears. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 1:50 pm    Post subject: wow..nice. Much better than mine. Um how do nominate stuff. _________________ I'm ripped across the ditch, and settled in the dirt and I'm Wiggled like a stitch, yet I'm the one who's hurt Pay attention to your twisted little indiscretions I've got no right to way, I'm just caught up all the battles Back to top Author blaise Guest Items Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 8:23 pm    Post subject: good start Back to top Author evilhomer28 Guest Items Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 11:20 am    Post subject: to nominate shogun you must go to city auditorium (forum index) and then go to the storygame of the month Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 4:55 am    Post subject: Why is no one voting? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Shogun Respected Citizen Joined: 15 Aug 2005 Posts: 628 Location: In your nightmares, feeding on your fears. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 5:07 pm    Post subject: Well, you haven't neccessarily been here alot, people want to se the author post, it lets them know your acctually continueing the story. Also you might try telling them when your gonna check the votes, then they might vote! _________________ I'm ripped across the ditch, and settled in the dirt and I'm Wiggled like a stitch, yet I'm the one who's hurt Pay attention to your twisted little indiscretions I've got no right to way, I'm just caught up all the battles Back to top Author Guest Items Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 4:44 am    Post subject: Oh, sorry I haven't been here much, with school starting up and all I have been a little busy. But things are calming down now and I will read the results on monday and try to have the next chapter done by thursday. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 6:06 pm    Post subject: Well, It's a tie, ok, I got an idea for chapter 2 that would work with that, I'll have it up as soon as possible _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 7:56 pm    Post subject: Due to circumstances beyond my control, I’ll be gone for the net two and half weeks, But I’ll be back at the end of that time. And the second chapter WILL BE UP in three weeks at the max. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 3:34 am    Post subject: Ok Geek-girl - we'll all be waiting for Chapter 2 when you get back. Have a good time. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:47 am    Post subject: I am SO sorry, but I am ging to have to postpone putting up the second chapter AGAIN. Thank you all for your patience and not anhilating me. As soon as I get over my little problem I'll put the second chapter. To show you I am working on it, here is a little teaser: It involves a battle, an escape, a possible demise of a character, a kidnaping, and a man who may or may not be Hal's father. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:47 pm    Post subject: Nice opening, geek_girl. The suddeness that thrusts the conflict forward really grabs the readers' attention. Well, since this is to be a storygame, I would say go with the uncle. Maybe in your next chapter, you can have an ending that is a bit more open to ideas. And as Smee said before, try putting spacing between dialogue. It is easy on the eyes, and helps differentiate between characters. Spacing between paragraphs also helps because it keeps the reader from being put off by large blocks of words. Also keep in mind that you have to begin a sentence in capital letters, along with names. Other than those few stylistic errors, I would say you have a good start. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:42 am    Post subject: Chapter Two: Henry Chapter two: The journey begins The wind whistled through the barren landscape, fluttering the hem of my Mother’s dress and ruffling Uncle Donovan’s hair. I thought harder then I ever had in my life, why would Mother want me to stay? Why was she so angry with Uncle? She didn’t talk much about Father, but I had heard her say that I was the only thing keeping her going after he died. That memory settled things in my mind; there was no way I could leave my Mother. “Uncle Donovan,” “Yes Son?” “I’ll go with you to Grimshaw, if I can bring Mother with me.” My Mother sighed, whether with relief of despair I never knew which. Uncle Donovan mused for moment, stirring the sand with his foot. “I am willing to go Donovan.” Mother said firmly “I know you are, but what about our traditions? He must go to Kala alone.” “I know that, but he has the right for a companion till he reaches it.” Donovan stroked his chin; I could tell he didn’t like the idea much. As I looked him in the face, even though it broke my heart, I knew if he said no I wouldn’t leave her, this one thing I was resolved on. Thank heaven. “Alright, you can come, but only as his companion. If you’re so bent on separating yourself from the family, you have your wish.” Mother and I both relaxed, she looked at me with a mixture of pride and sorrow in her eyes. I didn’t need to hear her speak to know what seeing her only son, her only child, begin to grow up must be doing to her. But surely she would be proud that I could carry on Father’s name? She told me sometimes how heart-broken she was when she lost him, perhaps now she could take solace that he wouldn’t be forgotten. * * * The next few hours were a whirl of preparations; time seemed to fly by as the three of us scrounged as many provisions we could from our meager farm. Even the best of years were less the bountiful, but the last year had been especially hard and we had only enough unspoilible food for a week’s journey when we were done. “That will do fine,” Uncle said “The next town is only three days ride if we push it, we can get more supplies there.” An odd sensation tingled over me, in three days I’d be in a part of the world completely foreign to my eyes. As Uncle mounted his horse and Mother and I mounted our old mare, I looked around our farm one last time. I had hated every hour spent working it and getting thorns and meager food for my pains, every moment the harsh reality around me brought me down from my dreams of the outside world. But this place was the only one I knew as home. My father had lived here, my Mother had met him here, and I had been born here. I thought about the time ahead of me, my whole life seemed to be unfolding in that one moment, and I honestly believe that it was that moment, not the one that followed a week later, that I ceased to be a child. Uncle Donovanchimed in his happy, care free voice: “Is all ready for us?” “Yes Uncle, we’re ready” We passed the gates of the farm, the boundary of the world I knew, and struck out for the fates waiting for us. Three days passed like no time, and even that early in our journey I was amazed at the change in the landscape. The dry desert lost its grip on the land, and lush forests, green hills, rivers and small lakes dotted the land as if a spell had been lifted. Mother didn’t talk much at this time, but Uncle Donovan chattered away about the majesty of Grimshaw, his family, and all the wonderful things in store for me if I proved my self well. “The life of an Aldora is one of freedom,” He would say. “There is nothing like it in the entire world to be found, life is placed into you two hands to do with as you please.” “Interesting choice of words Donovan.” Mother interrupted “Bella, please, you’ve never even seen it.” “True, but I have known one who did.” Mother and Uncle had been this way the whole trip; I felt like a boy whose parents kept spelling words in front of him. Why didn’t they just say what they wanted to outright? What was it between them? I was about to say something to this effect when Uncle leaped to his feet and raised a finger to his lips. “Hush! You hear that?” His voice quavered as he spoke, as if some unspeakable dread filled the woods around us. “I heard it Uncle, it sounded like someone breathing.” “Tread carefully, we may not be alone, bandits sometimes walk the places near towns.” Uncle had hardly finished speaking when another rustle came from the trees in front of us. He slowly reached his hand to the sword he carried at his side. “Show yourselves! Face us like men and not cowards! Perhaps we will spare you your lives." "Those are bold words from a man with no allies but an old woman and a mere boy.” The three of us jumped and whirled around. Standing in front of us with sword in hand and backed by a group of ruffians was a tall man with a scraggily beard. Something about the man unnerved me, not in the sense of fear for my life. An air about the man whispered of something horrible and dark. His own eyes were wide with it, and the taught expression in his face was that of a man devoid of rest or peace. Uncle Donovan quickly stepped in front of Mother and me. He peered at the man with something akin to wonder. “I…I know your face. You are one of the clan who-” “Shut up old man! I am no relation of yours! Or any Aldora!” I started at his words, remembering the similar ones Mother spoke three days ago. At his out burst, I grabbed Mother’s arm and made for the woods. “After them!” The madman shouted “Leave no witness to have us hanged!” I thrashed wildly into the brush, Mother panting beside me, mad with fright. “Keep running Hal! These don’t care if we can’t fight back!” I ran for all I was worth, the clanging of metal sounding in the background evidencing the desperate struggle taking place. After what seemed an eternity, I stumbled into a clearing and collapsed on the ground, gasping for air and trying to still the beating of my heart. “I think we’re safe, I don’t hear anyone behind us anymore.” “Who’re you talking to brat?” Once again I whirled around. The same wild-eyed man was there in front of me, leaning on a tree, triumph written on his face. But it wasn’t the sight of him that dropped my heart to my toes, looking around me I saw that I was alone. He laughed. “My, if we don’t have ourselves a hero here, leaving an old woman to die while he saves his own skin.” I tried to call out for Mother, if only to tell her to get away, but with quickness that stunned me the man pounced and clamped his hand on my mouth, restraining me with his other arm. “Listen you little brat! One sound and I’ll slice your head right off; it wouldn’t be the first time at it either.” Paralyzed with fear, I stopped struggling and grew silent. The man let me fall to the ground and observed me with a sneering disdain. “A runt like you is hardly worth it, but then again you’ve seen my face, that’s too bad for you.” “Please, I swear I won’t turn you in! My uncle won’t either, we are just-” “Stop!” The man started at my words, I wondered what I had said to catch his attention. He stared at me with a face gone pale. “That man was your Uncle?” “Yes, he is.” “Are you speaking the truth? If you are lying brat…” “I swear! He is my Uncle, and the woman was my mother.” He took a step back and seemed to shake from head to foot. When he spoke, it was in a horse and quavering voice. “Answer me one more thing, what is you mother’s name?” “Her full name is Annabella Harlow Aldora.” The man stepped towards me slowly. He knelt down in front of me and placed his hands on my trembling shoulders, searching every inch of my face as if I was a long-lost friend. “You are Bella’s…son?!” “Yes, please sir…” “I…I didn’t know she had a son.” “You know my Mother?” “Sort of, I’m an old friend of hers, although It’s been years and I didn’t recognize her.” The man stood up and stepped back, something like tears welled up in his eyes. He extended his hand and spoke softly. “I’m Henry, what are you called kid?” “My names Hal” I took Henry’s hand and thought the world would turn upside down. Ever since Uncle Donovan had showed up nothing made sense. Family hated each other and bandits cried over you. What sort of place was this anyhow? A rustle in the brush distracted our attention. Henry's hand quickly went to his sword, his softened expression fading. "Who is there? Show your self!" Who calls back? Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:04 am; edited 3 times in total Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:53 am    Post subject: I'm sorry again for all the delays, I tried to make this chapter more open instead of what Hal decides to do. Oh, and I'll try to fix the frist chapter in a while. So watcha think? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 1:23 am    Post subject: This is good stuff! I like all the mystery, all the conflict, and you have good strong characters too. Keep it going, Geekgirl Hard to decide what to vote on though. Hal seems to be stuck in a position where his choices are very limited. Maybe Henry can answer some of the questions that he's been holding onto for so long? I think at the moment, though, he's going to be much more concerned over whether his mother and uncle are still alive. He needs to find out, before he can consider the larger picture. Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 4:10 am    Post subject: I agree with stoat you've got a very good story started and he probally is going to try to find out what happened his mother and uncle. I found it hard to read with the spacing between the lines but that could be just me Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 5:01 am    Post subject: Hey Geekgirl, Good to see you've finally made it back to continue the story. The spacing is still a bit of a problem but it's much better than Chapter 1. The story is leaping forwards well though. Quote: I tried to make this chapter more open instead of what Hal decides to do I understand why you would do that, but decision points seem to work best when based on the point of view of one character. That character can change of course, but fully open decisions like 'What happens next?' aren't what we are here for - that's your job as author. What if someone suggested a large winged purple bat appears and eats his mother? Or his uncle turns into a rabbit? Or even that Hal dies because Henry gets fed up of his moaning and slits his throat? We don't know enough about how your world works, what magic is around etc to be able to make sure such a decision doesn't destroy your story concept. Decision points are damn tricky things, and I'm only offering an opinion here. We are all still experimenting with them and learning things everyday. From what I've seen though this sort of decision point tends to be too difficult to make a poll for, or keep a plot together well. I don't think there is anything wrong with the decision point being 'What does Hal do next?' - which is how Stoat seems to have interpreted it anyway. I think concern for his Mother is going to be top priority and he should immediately seek to reunite them. Maybe she'll recognise Henry and questions will be answered quickly from there. Keep it up and ... Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 11:04 pm    Post subject: Ok, I edited it and tried to make it more specific. I guess his mother or uncle could be there, or Henry's band, maybe even a new character. Is this better? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 12:17 am    Post subject: I think that decision point will give the readers fewer headaches. Thanks for that Now, as for who's there... I'd like it to be Hal's uncle. He knows the leader. He was expecting the attack. Presumably he has the experience to handle these sorts of things, one way or another. It's possible that he's even persuaded the rest of the band that he needs to talk to Henry, so he may be accompanied by some other members of the group. Back to top Author dragon_fire372 Citizen Joined: 24 Oct 2005 Posts: 258 Location: Montana Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jan 04, 2006 8:12 pm    Post subject: Nice story, geekgirl. The spacing in the second chapter was kinda bugging me out, but I got used to it as the chapter pulled me in. I think the rustle should be 1 or 2 of Henry's charming aquaintances, holding onto Hal's captured mother to bring before their leader. Then Henry can blow a fuse on them for manhandling his old friend, reintroduce himself to Hal's mother, and open us a very interesting discussion. _________________ The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing ~ Edmund Burke Sans Dieu Rien Without God, Nothing Visions of Shadow - 2nd part of Uncertain Quests! Chapter Two Dreamwalker - Relocated to Linear Lane Sixth Chapter Linear Story Nightrobber Now Complete! Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:50 pm    Post subject: Ok, I added a poll and adjusted the second chapter, if you think this works better please tell me and I'll do it to the first one too. I'm really excited about the next chapter, a lot of questions will be answered depending on who's chosen and the action will really step up. Please keep suggestions and criticism Flowing, I'm learning a lot through this! Happy new year everyone! Well, belatedly anyway... P.S. What do you think of my new avatar? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 11:20 pm    Post subject: Quote: What do you think of my new avatar? It's very orange! I like it better than your old one though, if I remember your old one correctly. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 8:24 pm    Post subject: lol. I didn't have one before, it took me forever to find this one. I think it's called "Flaming June" It's one of my favorite piantings. I found it on a web site for Pre-Raphealite(?) Artists. As for the next chapter, I'm glad to see people are voting already. The poll will run for about a week, then I'll try to put the chapter up in the next few days. Get ready to find out what Kala actually is, and a rather disturbing family history lesson. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 8:36 pm    Post subject: Quote: lol. I didn't have one before, Oh, I was thinking of someone else then! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 11:36 am    Post subject: Ok, the results are in and Henry's uncle won. As soon as the poll is deleted I'll get the next chapter up, two, three days tops. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 12:37 pm    Post subject: Did I miss something? *Looks both ways* It would seem I missed the whole poll and discussion. Oh well, it looks like I will have to wait for the next chapter. Great job so far, Geek_girl. I can't wait to see you what you suprise us with next. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:11 pm    Post subject: Okay, I know it's been two or three weeks instead of days. My only excuse is that I'm sick and in the middle of taking care of several sick siblings too. My sister has pnemonia and my little brother may have bronchitus, They are only 7 and 5 resepctivly and I'm a little worried about them. I am working on the third chapter though and will get it up as soon as I can. Keep bugging me so I don't forget. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2006 9:50 am    Post subject: I am sorry to hear that sickness has interfered with you're writing of the next chapter. I hope your siblings and yourself get better. When you can, write the next chapter! _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 2:43 pm    Post subject: Chapter Three: Hero or Villain? Two men with unshaven faces and grins that revealed few teeth stepped out of the brush dragging something behind them. With a start a realized it was Donovan, limp and lifeless with the signs of heavy battle all over him. "Uncle!" I cried and tried to run to him, but Henry held me back. "Well done men!" He called to the rest of the group slowly appearing all over the clearing. "Extremely well done indeed! Set him over there if you please." The two men unceremoniously dragged my uncle over to the center of the clearing and dropped him in a heap, then stepped back into the group of ruffians and observed their leader with faces eager with expectation. Henry watched as Donovan slowly pulled his bound and disheveled self to his feet, shaking from head to foot and staggering with exhaustion and the restrictions of his bonds. "I am very pleased with you victory” Henry called again to his men. "Not many could fight an Aldora in person and live to tell about it, unless of course..." Henry let his voice trail off as he slowly approached the spot where my uncle stood. To me, the whole thing seemed to happen in slow motion, distantly, as if recalling a far off memory then witnessing the here and now. Henry stopped about a foot from Donovan’s form, and slowly began to draw his sword form its sheath, as if taunting his victim with imminent death. He very deliberately brought the tip under Donovan’s chin, and whispered something inaudible. What happened next was almost to fast to take in, I didn't even comprehend it till much later when I had time to reflect on it. But the instant Henry's wrist moved, Donovan twitched, moved imperceptibly, and instantly all his ropes fell from him, he leaped back with his hand over his neck, every muscle tight and surprise in his eyes. "I should have expected as much from a murderer,” My uncle exclaimed in a quivering voice "But I didn't think you'd sink so low as to take the life of a defenseless prisoner!" Henry chuckled as if the whole thing where some great joke. "Hardly defenseless it seems, let that be a lesson to you men, never trust an Aldora, especially a beaten one, he wanted you to bring him to me." Uncle Donovan narrowed his eyes and set his jaw, glaring daggers at the bandit king in front of him. "Give me the boy, Henry, He's nothing to you, what can you gain from harming him? Nothing. If there's anything decent left in you please let him go!" Throughout his speech Donovan got more heated, nearly screaming with his last plea. Henry didn't bat and eyelash. "Harm him? Why would I harm my own flesh and blood?" I nearly jumped at this, could I be related to this madman? Henry noticed my startled expression and looked at me apologetically; he opened his mouth to say something but Donovan’s angry reply cut him off. "You cut yourself off from us years ago, you said yourself you were no Aldora! Too long have we tolerated your presence on our land, your harassment of our people. I will not see you rob us of another life! Give me a sword and let us end this once and for all!" Henry flinched at these words, as if overcome with the guilt of past actions. He nodded to one of his men and watched as Donovan inspected the bandit's blade and swung it around over his head to get the feel of it. I was surprised by the change in countenance in Henry; he spoke not a word, and gazed at the edge of his sword with a glassy look in his eye. Finally he turned towards his opponent and lifted his sword. The two began to charge each other, the distance between them growing smaller each instant. As I stood watching them an odd feeling came over me, as if I had seen this a long time ago, and with this feeling came something else. At first I didn't know what it was rising in me. My heart started pounding in my chest and an unnatural strength coursed through my veins. With every clang of the two swords crashing together, a shock of excitement washed over me as I felt a growing and violent emotion fighting to get free. I understood what it was now, though even as I write this I can hardly fathom it. It was a perverse joy at what was taking place, a frantic and reckless passion of pure bloodlust. My breath came quicker, and the whole world dissolved into fleeting, blurry impressions: The clang of the sword, breathing in, heart racing, fists clenching, the clang of the sword, breathing out, head throbbing, the clang of the sword, heart racing, the clang of the sword... "Stop!" I cried out, whether it was at the terrifying feeling or at the fight was never clear. Henry and Donovan halted their battle and observed me standing in the middle of the clearing and trembling as if pulled from the next world. Henry dropped his sword and ran to me; he fell on his knees in front of me and placed his hands on my shoulder, much like my mother used to do when telling me something important. He gazed into my face and shook me a little as he spoke: "Hal, can you hear me? Hal!" I nodded slightly "Hal, listen to me, it isn't you fault, you couldn’t do anything about it, don't blame yourself whatever you do, it isn't your fault." Henry sat there for nearly five minutes, repeating the same thing and looking as if he was fighting tears. Gradually I stopped shaking and was able to speak. "I'm alright now, I think. Wa...What happened?" Henry let his hands fall from me and stood to his feet. He gazed eastward and sighed. "I suppose we can talk here as well as anyplace, see as we're alone for now anyway." I look around me and saw for the second time that day that Henry and I were indeed alone. Henry's men, uncle Donovan, they all were gone. Henry sat wearily down on a tree stump and motioned for me to join him, still not looking me in the face and gazing east. I sat beside him and said again: "Henry, what happened?" "You felt for the first time curse that runs in you blood, your father had it, I have it, and now you feel it too." "Curse?" "It's run in the Aldoras since the first of our race, a madness that has not spared a single one of us, it's called Kala." I started at these words, remembering my mother's quivering voice whenever I questioned her about our family. "Kala? But, I thought..." Henry pulled himself from his reverie and looked me in the face. "Forgive me, I was speaking somewhat metaphorically, surely, you know what Kala is?" "No, Mother wouldn’t speak of it." "Kala is all the knowledge of the secret arts this family has held for centuries, it began with Hal the first, who you're named after by the way, he ended a war that had been raging between the two native peoples of this land" "What's so bad about ending a war?" Henry clenched his fists and his face flushed "He ended it by delving into forbidden knowledge sealed eons ago in the catacombs of Kelmur's tomb, he used the knowledge to obliterate BOTH factions in the war, he massacred millions and tore mastery of this land from those who rightfully owned it." I gasped in disbelief at his words, and trembled at the realization of the darkness that had nearly engulfed me. "Kelmur? You don't mean that he robbed the prison of the black god himself?!" Henry put his head in his hands and hissed through clenched teeth: "And in so doing cursed all his descendants with the evil of his own actions, his lust for power is the ruin of us all." I stood up and wrapped my hands around me, feeling suddenly very cold. A part of me wanted to run home to my pitiful farm and forget the events of the last few days. But another part of me, and sadly the stronger, had to know the full extent of the doom I was fated to. “And so what happened today... will happen again?” Henry nodded. "It does not always come as strong as with you, most are capable of fighting it. You see, the first generation of Aldoras in this land all married into other peoples, and the cursed blood became diluted, but even so, every few generations a child pops up with Hal the first's...shall we say unique abilities? The tragedy of it is that those who can fight it usually don't; the Aldoras have for the most part embraced the black power their heritage brings them, except your father." I looked up as Henry spoke those words, my head spinning with so many questions, most of them beginning with "why?" But of all them only one pushed to the front. ever since our meeting earlier, I had a suspicion growing in my mind about this man who cried over me and fought so had to keep me with him. "Are you my Father?" Henry looked at me sadly "No Hal, I'm not." I wasn't sure if I believed him; he wouldn't look me in the eye while he answered and his words before kept ringing in my ears: "Why would I harm my own flesh and blood?" No, my mind was by no means settled on the matter. But Henry suddenly jumped to his feet and spoke with a new energy in his voice. "So far I've told you all the worst of the situation and you're still standing, very well, the situation isn't completely hopeless, you are not completely doomed to be a villain, but other know much more of that then me, shall we seek them out? Or should you mother take precedence?" I realized with shame that I hadn't thought of my mother ever since Donovan showed up. Henry observed my reaction and laughed like he had earlier "Don't make yourself uneasy Hal, I'm sure if she wasn't with Donovan she's safe enough. I can understand you being eager to see her but think a moment: Would she be safe with you? You saw how everyone fled, even you uncle, when the fit came over you. You may be capable of anything if it happens again, and there are no grantees that you can fight it off next time. You need the help of those wiser then me. Of course the decision is up to you." What does Hal do? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Wed Mar 15, 2006 9:32 pm; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 2:46 pm    Post subject: Okay, sorry it took so long to put this up, but everyones well now except for my sister who has some obscure infection, but it's not contagious or dangerous. Tell me what you think of this chapter and how I could improve it, I'll be watching! _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 4:32 pm    Post subject: Good to hear GG _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 5:09 pm    Post subject: This chapter shows a lot of improvement in your writing, GG. Quote: fualt Quote: coulden't Quote: indded Quote: happend Quote: revverie Quote: forbiden Quote: rihhtfully Quote: agian Some spelling errors. Quote: And so what happened today, when you were fighting uncle donovan, will happen agian?" Capitalization error with the name, and the sentence is awkward. I would recommend reading over your chapter before posting because there are a lot errors here (spelling, punctuation, etc...) that can be easily caught. I will post later when I have some ideas as to what Hal should do next. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 11:29 pm    Post subject: Very good plot development Geek Girl. I like it! I think he should demand to see his mother before he goes anywhere. Not for her to see him, but just to find her and take a glimpse and make sure she's still alive, at least. Otherwise, her peril will be a constant distraction from what he has to do next. Then they should get on with seeking out those who know more than you about your condition. Maybe your 'salvation' is time-dependent, maybe not, but you'll feel better for knowing the full facts, that's for certain. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 6:46 am    Post subject: Shady Stoat wrote: Very good plot development Geek Girl. I like it! I think he should demand to see his mother before he goes anywhere. Not for her to see him, but just to find her and take a glimpse and make sure she's still alive, at least. Otherwise, her peril will be a constant distraction from what he has to do next. Good point, Shady. Worry is not a good feeling to have when one has to focus on other things. Is there a way we can learn more about the curse? I hope that wasn't all the details. Good writing, GG. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 6:03 pm    Post subject: I'm sorry for all the mistakes in the last chapter, I was in a mega-time crunch and didn't have the time I needed to proof-read. As for the next chapter, it will have a lot more info about the curse and the mythology/magic of Hal's world, the pace will go a little faster too. Oh, by the way, one question about the story: Should the mystery of Hal's relationship to Henry be settled quickly, or is it better for the story to drag it out? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 6:20 pm    Post subject: Oh, I'm also going to try to be in the chat around three tomorrow if anyone is interested in talking more at length about the story. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 7:17 pm    Post subject: Quote: Should the mystery of Hal's relationship to Henry be settled quickly, or is it better for the story to drag it out? Drag it out IMO. You want to keep the reader hanging, so try not to tie loose ends too fast. You're only in Chapter 3, and I would consider it still in the early stages of the story. Gradually drop hints about the relationship as you reach the middle of the story. And then near the end you can formally declare what the relationship is all about. But you're the author, so it is more of your decision of when and how you distribute the information you want to convey. Cheers. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:37 am    Post subject: Quote: Drag it out IMO. You want to keep the reader hanging, so try not to tie loose ends too fast. Ok, I just wondered if it was to tiresome to drag out longer, I didn't want to keep it up if that was the case : ) _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:43 am    Post subject: Nope, I'm with Rave here. Let us fester and stew a little (I tend to fester and stew anyway, but enough of my personal habits). You're not getting tiresome at all, GeekGirl. I'm really enjoying this story and the way you tell it Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:57 am    Post subject: You're good in a stew as well Shady. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:32 pm    Post subject: I was hoping that would be your response, I plan to add a lot in the fourth chapter about Henry, so the added mystery should complament it well. Oh, and I'm putting in a shameless ad for another story of mine: Look for the first chapter of "I don't believe in Fate" really soon. : ) _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Thu Mar 16, 2006 10:29 pm; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:42 pm    Post subject: Oops I missed a chapter. Great chapter and thanks for fixing the spacing I agree Hal should get a peak at his mother to make sure she is alright and let the suspense build. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 7:27 pm    Post subject: Quote: You're good in a stew as well Shady. Do you mean "shady" stew? That sounds like something I wouldn't want to touch. Now "stoat" stew sounds good...*runs off to kill a stoat* Of course "shady stoat" stew could be something hard to make. Where has that sneaky devil went off too? _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 9:47 pm    Post subject: Ok, I fixed the errors in 3 and the spacing in 2. Sorry I didn't make it to the chat yesterday, I had a suprise mid-term (Yeah, with THIS teacher it was actually a suprise) which of course is supper happy fun time... but I got through it. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 10:38 am    Post subject: I have heard of surprise quizzes and tests, but a midterm?? Good to hear you got through it unscathed, GG. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 2:52 pm    Post subject: Okay, so far the chocies seem to be: Go see his Mother, see her from a distance, or go get help. Any other ideas before the poll goes up? I guess he might send Henry to do one while he does the other, but then again it might not be a good idea to be alone.... _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 9:32 am    Post subject: He should go see his Mother. For the same reasons , Shady gave in her post way up near the top of this page. Feelings of worry will only be a distraction. The assurance that his mother is okay, I think will help him keep a cool mind through his journey. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 7:41 pm    Post subject: Sorry it took so long to put the poll up, I had a car break down and a flooded basement-on the same day- so my attention's been somewhat diverted. I'll run the poll for about a week and get the next chapter up as soon as I can. Also, I may have the first chapter for my other story up next week as well, I'm anxious to see what you think of "I don't believe in fate." too. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 7:41 pm    Post subject: 'ted. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 8:22 pm    Post subject: Cast my vote _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 4:56 am    Post subject: Added mine to the side with votes Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 5:00 am    Post subject: I know where everyone else's vote went.... _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 2:13 pm    Post subject: Voted, and winning. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 4:03 pm    Post subject: Like I said, it's easy to see where this poll is swinging. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 7:58 pm    Post subject: Ok, the results are in and Hal's going to find his mother, I let the poll run a little longer to make sur everyone got a chance to vote. I got a big school project going on right now so it might be about a week before I get the next chapter up, but things are really going to take off from here, so don't lose interest yet! _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 1:56 am    Post subject: I'm looking foward to it Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 5:48 pm    Post subject: I await the next chapter then, GG. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 2:37 pm    Post subject: Sorry I've been gone so long, final exams, blah, blah,blah but it pretty much over now and I'll get the next chapter up as soon as possible. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 2:41 pm    Post subject: Yay - welcome back then. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 1:17 pm    Post subject: Sounds so happy, Lordy. But yeah, I am understand what you mean. I just finished all my APs today, so now I get back to my regular schedule, and continue writing. Which reminds me, I better start writing Chapter 4 of Glassbreaker. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 6:36 am    Post subject: Graduation day! Yahoo for me! (Does a little dance...very badly) _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Dobs Guest Items Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 3:58 pm    Post subject: Geek_girl72 wrote: Graduation day! Yahoo for me! (Does a little dance...very badly) so write another chspetr! Im waiting. Back to top Author Jack_D.Mented Respected Citizen Joined: 22 Jan 2006 Posts: 958 Location: Hiding out in the woods of Washington Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 10:05 pm    Post subject: Woohoo! Great story. No idea how I've been missing out on this one, but I love it! Great plot, absorbing world, good characters. I want more soon. Looking forward to it. _________________ Eadgar's Saga Chapter 2 POLL Abattoir Chapter 2! Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 9:57 pm    Post subject: Congrats GG. My graduation is not for another two weeks. So can you write that next chapter now? _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 6:26 pm    Post subject: I'm putting the final touches on it now, I was stuck for a while becuase something seemed to be missing, but I think I've found the answer. with any luck it be as creepy as I'm going for and make the hair on the back of you necks stand on end. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 8:18 pm    Post subject: Few things scare me. We will have to see whether or not I actually will jump and hide in the broom closet for a few days. LOL. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 12:25 pm    Post subject: Chapter 4: Madness I see in retrospect that I should have considered the question longer, but I did not have as much knowledge of my condition as I did very shortly later. “I have to find my mother Henry; I will have no peace until I know she is alright.” Henry sighed and hung his head, for a moment he seemed lost in his own thoughts, finally he looked at me with a sad sort of smile. “You are definitely your father’s son kid. If you are determined to find Bella, I have an idea where she might be. There is a place she went to once when her…When things were going badly, If my memory is any good it’s about an hour’s journey from here.” Henry hastily filled a couple of water-skins and we struck out eastward, my head spinning with the events of the last few hours. I think I aged more in that one day then the rest of my life combined. Even now in my old age, when the events of that time are as distant and hazy as a child-hood nightmare, I shudder at the recollection of my family’s dark past revealed to me. We traveled in silence, Henry still brooding over something, when a thought struck me. “Henry?” “What kid?” “What happened to my father? How did he die? Mother never told me.” Henry stopped mid stride, every muscle in his body tensed. He began to breathe quickly, like a man cornered by some well-known foe. “You don’t want to know kid.” “It had something to do with Kala, didn’t it?” Henry closed his eyes, and his face twisted in pain. When he looked at me, there were the beginnings of tears in his eyes. “If your mother saw fit not to tell you,” He labored out, “Far be it from me to do so.” Henry didn’t speak another word until we reached the bank of a large river. He furrowed his brow and paced up and down the waters edge, searching for something with quiet frustration. “Stay here for a moment kid, and keep yourself out of sight.” With that he strode quickly up river, leaving me to try and make sense out of the puzzle he presented. He claimed he wasn’t my father, yet he held my mother in very high regard. He had fought my uncle in attempt to keep me safe, yet spoke to me with the utmost indifference, not even calling me by name if he could help it. Who or what was he? Why was he doing all this? What was it that haunted him? Why did he- “Oh Haaaal…” I jumped at the interrupting voice, Looking around for its source. It was deep, but singsong in tone, with something inexplicably menacing in its effect. My first thought was that I had been found out, but looking about me I saw not a soul. “Oh HAAaal, it’s rude to ignore people.” “Where are you?” I whispered, more then a little confused, the mysterious voice laughed in an insincere manner. “Now that’s a little troublesome, we could have quite a nice debate on that…” “Who are you?” “Ah, I like that question better. I’m your friend Hal; you’d like a friend wouldn’t you? I think everyone needs a friend.” By now I was becoming alarmed, I saw absolutely no one or anywhere they could be hiding within earshot, yet the voice continued. “You’ve been through so much, poor little thing, you need someone to take care of you.” “I have Henry.” “Hehehe, you really are naive Hal, you have no idea who Henry is do you? You actually believe you life matters to him.” “He risked his life to help me!” “Help you? Why are you so sure of that? He’s whispered a bunch of lies to you about your family; cleverly made you think you’re safer with him, a self-professed scoundrel, then your own uncle. Why does he refuse to talk about your father? Or how he knows you mother?” I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach, a vague dread was creeping over me, but whether it was this impossible voice or its insinuations I wasn’t sure. As if matching my mood, the clouds gathered over the sun, casting dark shadows unnatural for the time of day. A fierce wind rose up, creasing the surface of the stream and whipping the grass into a frantic pagan-like dance. My unaccountable dread blended with a dream-like feeling. My eyes began to flutter despite the fact that I was wide awake and I felt my whole body relaxing against my will. The voice continued in a soothing, mock-sympathetic tone. “Poor Hal, you have no idea the trouble you’re in. I want to help you child, you will let me help you?” “…If…if you want to help,” For some reason my mouth moved sluggishly, the words forming with difficulty. “Why wont you show yourself? Or tell me your name?” The voice laughed, all traces of sympathy gone. The vile laugh grew in volume till my ears rang with it and my head ached. “So you want to see my form and call me by name? You will do both in time child, but not yet, not yet…” The voice repeated the words over and over, calmly and soothingly again, but still retaining a sinister mirth that made my skin crawl. The darkness deepened, blotting out the sky and chocking the light of the sun. The wind became violent, throwing sand in my face and roaring with malignant fury. A panic as cold and bitter as ice seized me, I lost all sense of dignity or self-possession and cried out for Henry, my mother, anyone to run to and break the suffocating sense of loneliness in that terrible place. If you have ever awakened from a terrible nightmare, the kind that makes you shudder in spite of all reasonable knowledge that monsters don’t exist, and realized yourself to be alone in the house you will understand something of what I felt. How long this frantic search lasted I don’t know, but suddenly I felt a sharp pain on my face and realized I was being shaken violently. The image of that horrible landscape melted away in an instant and I saw Henry’s eyes glaring into mine in annoyance. “Really Hal! If I thought you were the sort to fall asleep on watch I would have brought you with me. How do you expect to survive in spite of all we have to face if you can’t keep your eyes open for ten minutes at a time?” I hardly noticed Henry’s words. I stood to my feet and looked about me, the sun was just as bright as ever, and there was not a breath of wind. The gentle rippling of the water calmed my jangled nerves a little. I breathed a sighed of unspeakable relief as I realized the whole thing had been a dream. “Are you even listening?” “Oh, I…I’m sorry Henry.” “Well, nothing happened so don’t worry about it now. I think I’ve found the entrance to Bella’s hiding place, in a few moments you’ll be in a climate more safe for fatigue.” Henry led me up stream about a hundred yards where the water ran much faster and waded in a few feet, testing the strength of the current against his own. Satisfied that the cool waters posed no serious threat, he waded back and beckoned me to follow his example. “Can you swim kid?” “No, not very well.” “Then how long can you hold your breath?” “I don’t really know.” “(Sigh) Then keep a grip on my arm and try not to let yourself get carried off. You can do that right?” I bit my tongue at what I thought unnecessary sarcasm on Henry’s part and splashed in a little awkwardly. Henry’s next move caught me off guard, for no sooner had I took hold of his arm then he plunged downward into the clear depths, dragging me with him towards the bottom. I have never been comfortable around deep water, but I tried to stay calm and trust Henry knew what he was doing. Forcing my eyes open I saw that Henry was making for the base of a large rock, the tip of which had just been visible from the surface, and kicking with all his might towards the shadow it cast. As we rapidly drew closer I saw that it wasn’t a shadow but an opening, barely large enough for Henry and I to fit through comfortably, and in a few seconds we were immersed in compleate darkness. I liked this even less, and the longer Henry strove downward the more my lungs ached for want of air. After what seemed an eternity, Henry’s descent ceased and we were moving upward again. There was another eternity, and just when I began to despair of seeing the end of this odd journey we broke the surface, though the darkness remained absolute, and I gulped in the slightly stale air gratefully, Henry laughing beside me. “It seems you’re tougher then I gave you credit for, I half expected you to black out before the end.” I was to busy catching my breath to respond, and still clung to Henry’s arm for support. He half led, half carried me a few feet till the water dropped way and I heard the crunch of solid earth under his boots. Henry waited patiently for me to pull myself together, exhibiting no signs of strain himself, at least audibly, for I could see nothing. “Wha…Where are we?” “We’re in an old retreat refugees used in the war. It’s been forgotten by most, but your father rediscovered it shortly before he…died. But that’s not important right now, Bella should be nearby with a fire to warm ourselves by.” I followed close at Henry’s heels, marveling at how he seemed to know exactly where to go without pause or use of his eyes. Eventually I began to make something out in the darkness, something small and yellowish, flickering and far off. With a surge of joy I realized it was a fire, and as we drew closer I could make out a figure, knees tucked under its chin, sitting on a rickety bench beside it. My pace quickened, but Henry slowed down, I noticed that his breathing had become shallow and quick, as if suddenly anxious. I could now clearly make out my mother’s form, and rushed forward without thinking of the alarm I might be causing her. She jumped up at the sound of rushing feet, fearfully scanning the blackness surrounding her. “Who’s there? Who are you?” “It’s me mother, Hal, are you alright?” My mother saw me step into the circle of firelight, and with an expression of relief that rivaled my own earlier, ran towards me in wrapped me in a motherly embrace. Scanning me for any sign of injury and brushing the wet hair out of my face while tears streamed down her own. “Hal! You aren’t hurt or anything are you?” “I’m fine mother, I’m fine, but what about you?” “I’m perfect now, but how on earth did you find this place?” At this Henry slowly stepped into view, having tactfully kept back until now, and cleared his throat . “I brought him here, I owed it to you both after the fright I gave you this morning.” My mother looked at Henry and at first drew back in fear. Apparently time had blurred her memory just as it had Henry’s. At the expression on her face, Henry’s twisted in pain. He stepped forward and uttered in a quiet, almost pleading voice: “Have I really changed that much? Do you not know me?” My mother relaxed a little and peered at Henry’s face. After a moment of silence, her mouth dropped open and her eyes grew wide. “He…Henry!?” She stood for a moment, stunned as if seeing a ghost. Then with a cry of joy ran towards him, throwing her arms about him and sobbing. “Henry! I thought I’d never see you again! I didn’t know if you were living or dead, why on earth did you run off and keep silent all these years?” “I was ashamed of myself, and racked with guilt. I thought you wouldn’t forgive me for what I did.” “You did nothing needing forgiveness Henry, it wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could have under the circumstances. I never held a moments grudge against you, oh why didn’t you come back?” I groaned inwardly. I was sick of being outside the loop and more then a little uncomfortable with the sight in front of me. Henry had insisted that he wasn’t my father, and I could see no motive for him to lie. But why this emotional display on seeing my mother? They both behaved as if more then mere friendship existed between them as Henry had said earlier. I tried to curb the direction that thought took, I didn’t like where it led. Over the next few hours Mother asked Henry a thousand questions, seeming to forget me completely. In all their discourse though, there was a sort of guardedness to there words, as if they were holding back in my presence. When they got to the subject of my episode that morning, her face paled again and she looked at me in wonder. “Hal, you should have sought help immediately, don’t you realize the gravity of your situation?” “What kind of man would I make if I abandoned my own mother? I couldn’t go gallivanting off to save my own skin until I knew you were safe.” Mother put her hand on my shoulder and said nothing further. Henry decided it would be wise to keep watch, since there were other ways of entering this labyrinth, and we couldn’t be sure that our whereabouts were unknown. He insisted on taking the first watch himself, making some good-natured joke about my exhausted state. I was tired, and quickly dozed off, but the events of the day refused to let the oblivion of sleep crowd them out. Swords and shadows haunted my dreams, Donovan and Henry’s faces swirled around me muttering unintelligible things, and sometimes an echo of that eerie voice from before returned. When Henry finally woke me for my turn at keeping lookout, I was glad for something to focus on instead of my own thoughts. He tossed me a small knife in a worn metal sheath, and without a word stretched out by the fire and promptly began to snore. I had no idea how to pass the time in this dark place, silent except for Henry’s snoring and the occasional rustle of someone turning in their sleep. The sheath and knife-hilt presented something interesting to examine, as they were both engraved with a strange emblem. A sword, with a reddish star glowing just at its tip, smoke trailing behind it as if it were plummeting downward. What appeared to be flowers were entwined around the engraved sword’s blade. I looked closer and saw that they were not flowers but words, tiny words in some unrecognizable language looped around the sword. I was peering at them, trying if I could decipher any of them when it happened: “Haaaal…” I jumped just as before and looked around me, Henry and my mother were still there like before, the fire crackling cheerfully in the impenetrable darkness. I pinched my arm and felt it plainly. This was no dream world, I was awake. “Haaaal, you’re ignoring me again.” I determined not to answer, fully believing I was loosing my mind, the voice laughed again in it’s mock carefree manner. “You aren’t going crazy Hal, I’m as real as you are.” My eyes grew wide, I hadn’t even spoken but this thing could tell what was going on in my head. What followed next has left me to this day an insomniac. “You see? I don’t need words to speak with you, we can talk all we wish without disturbing a soul.” “What if I don’t want to talk to you?” “Come now Hal, that’s a fine way to treat your best friend, I even brought a gift for you and everything.” “I don’t want anything from you, whatever you are, Henry!” Henry didn’t answer, I called again, and realized with horror that no sound was coming from my mouth. Even more terrifying, as the voice continued my mouth was moving to its sickly laughter. “It’s useless Hal, no one can fight this battle for you. You’ve always been weak Hal, but I’m going to make you stronger.” I thought nothing could be more petrifying than what was already happening. But I was wrong. My hand began to move apart from my will, closing tightly around the hilt of the knife Henry had left me. I watched like one in a dream, but I was wide-awake, the knife drew closer to my other hand, which also was acting independently of my wishes. “What are you doing? Stop it! Stop!” “Aw Hal, don’t be frightened. Just trust me Hal, trust me.” At these last words, the tip of the knife made contact with the palm of my hand and sunk. Deep. I blinked, my shock almost overpowering my fear. For during the whole procedure, I felt absolutely no pain. The voice began again, with a little twinge of hurt in it. “You see Hal? You feel nothing when I’m with you, I bear it on your behalf. Who else would do that for you? And now, I’m going to do you an even bigger favor…” I had now lost all control over my own body, my legs moved under me, raising me up and carrying me towards the place Henry and my mother were sleeping, knife outstretched. I tried with all my might to stop, and found with a great effort I could move a little. The voice spoke up sharply: “ It’s no use fighting Hal, many have tried, Henry, even your father, they all failed. The sooner you come to terms with your destiny the better. Now now, don’t shed those useless tears, in time you’ll come to thank me…” As I slowly drew closer to the two sleepers, I realized this horrible phantom that had taken possession of me was right about one thing: I was weak, I always had been. For as far back as I can remember I had let other people bail me out. I had always let other people fight for me. Shame coursed through me as I allowed myself for the first time to understand what I was: A coward. But there was no room for fear now, Henry and my mother couldn’t bail me out of this one. With every second I drew closer the crackling fire and my two unsuspecting companions. I had to take charge of myself come what may. I had to be strong, I had to do something. Now. What does Hal do?[/i] _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 8:45 pm    Post subject: Ooo. Very sinister chapter you have written here, GG. Well Hal is being mocked immensely by this voice. I say he has to fight, and prove that he is strong. I see this as a battle of mental willpower. If he can resist the unknown forces strength, he will prove himself to be a strong person. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 10:53 pm    Post subject: Fantastic chapter, Geek Girl. You write very powerfully I think he should try to direct himself toward the fire. He's already trying to resist mentally and that's good (first thing he has to do there is focus on how strong he is/all the brave things he's ever done in the past, no matter how small. As long as he believes this force has him defeated, then it does), but the chances are this malignant presence will defeat him if he does nothing new. The fire could be useful, even if all we manage to do is kick sparks at the sleepers. Once they're awake, they can deal with Hal, so we need to wake them. The important thing is to give yourself no time to think though. If you consider the plan, whatever is possessing you will know what you're doing, and will counter it. The trick is to move almost instinctively, I think. And if that doesn't work... ummm... fight harder? Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 7:49 am    Post subject: Going off on the idea of using the fire, and now that I am a bit more awake than I was last time I wrote the earlier post. Hal could use the pain of a burn to distract the phantom. I remember earlier it said that it feels Hal's pain or something like that... Quote: “You see Hal? You feel nothing when I’m with you, I bear it on your behalf. Who else would do that for you? And now, I’m going to do you an even bigger favor…” _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 3:42 pm    Post subject: Finally caught up with the latest chapter, and a good one it is too. Yes, I can only really f5 the above. You could also try shouting I suppose, put all your effort into it. *scratches head* Otherwise... er... _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 6:41 pm    Post subject: the fire is a good idea, if the phantom feels enough pain he could be driven off. The idea crossed my mind of Hal stabbing himself with the knife, but on second thought he probably couldn't move that much. He has lost his ability to speak, so maybe pain would be the best way to go. It would prove him brave becuase he'd have to deal with it after the phantom left. Any other suggestions? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu May 25, 2006 1:37 am    Post subject: Not really I'm afraid. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu May 25, 2006 5:30 am    Post subject: Well basically anything that can distract the phantom from its purpose would work. Shouting may awake the adults, but they may get the wrong idea when they see Hal holding a knife over their heads. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Argonaut Mercenary Artist Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 344 Location: California Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu May 25, 2006 11:34 pm    Post subject: Very nice story Geek Girl. Just came over after reading "I don't believe in fate" also very cool. Oh man having a dark god living in your head is a serious problem. I think the fire is his best bet, all he has to do is use every ounce of strength he has in pure desperation to twist his ankle, causing himself to fall face first into a blazing fire. Piece of cake, he'll only be scarred for life Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 12:27 pm    Post subject: Okay, the poll is up now. I'll let it go for about a week then get started on the 5th chapter. Oh, Hope you all had a good holiday. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 31, 2006 2:55 pm    Post subject: Voted for sending self into fire. Seems to be a reasonable choice and one way that we know will cause pain to the phantom. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 8:44 pm    Post subject: Chapter 5: A Deal with the Devil With all my might, I shoved off with my back foot, causing myself to stumble and topple head first into the crackling blaze. A scream, horrific and pulsing with agony, rang through my head and blended with my own as it faded. Mother and Henry sat bolt upright in time to see me stagger out, clothes flaming and blood pouring from my hand. I am not exactly sure what happened next, I think mother fainted. The world was getting hazy and I was only dimly aware of Henry throwing his cloak over me to suffocate the flames. He propped me up on his arm, and tried to understand what had taken place. “What happened Hal? Were you attacked?” I muttered something unintelligible. The pain, the dread of what had almost happened, and the shock wave of relief coursing through me made it impossible to say anything. Henry ceased his attempts at questioning me, and folding up his cloak placed it under my head. He leaned closer, searching my face and whispered in a voice thick with regret: “You can hear him, can’t you?” His grief-stricken eyes were the last things I was aware of before darkness engulfed me. * * * Even thought I still recall the tale of my youth with a shudder, I am tempted to say I would live it all over again for the sight that greeted me when I regained consciousness. A woman’s face was staring into mine, and such a face! I do not mean to say that she was beautiful, not in appearance at least, that was ordinary enough: Brown hair and eyes, average height and weight, and unspectacular voice. It was rather expression in her aspect that was wonderful to behold. Just as Henry had carried an air of torment and unrest, this woman carried peace, a subtle joy, and all things reassuring about with her. “Good morning Hal, I’m glad I get the chance to meet you awake, I’ve heard so much about you.” I sat up slowly, more than a little confused, and glanced about my surroundings. I was lying on a cot and propped up with several fat pillows. The room was dotted about with bookshelves and comfortable looking armchairs. More windows then seemed possible for its size flooded the room with light; no trace of shadow had anywhere to hide. The walls were a bright white, hung all over with rich tapestries and vibrantly colored portraits. The whole room was foreign to fear and glowing with happy memories. Many of the faces depicted in the portraits were laughing, or smiling as if they knew some delightful secret. To find oneself in such a room after the nightmare before! It made everything I had gone through seem unreal, a distant memory or bad dream half forgotten. However, most surprising of all, was what was missing. As I moved, the shock of pain I had expected from my numerous burns did not come. Staring down at my bare chest and arms, I saw that not a single mark was on my body, not even the faintest scar on my hand, where the knife had nearly pierced. The lady sitting next to me laughed. “Confused? I don’t blame you. Henry told me what you did; it was very brave of you.” “Wha...Where exactly am I?” “You’re in the Temple of Adon; a little ways from the cave you had you unfortunate mishap.” “This is a temple?” “Well, part of it. It also serves as a home for his Priests and Priestesses. I am one of them, my name is Gloria.” So the lady was a Priestess. The lack of injuries on my person made more sense now. I had often heard of the abilities of Gloria’s kind, but having never seen it first hand, had thought it all exaggeration and yarn spinning. “Then are you…” “The help Henry spoke of? Yes. He explained everything about your journey so far when he brought you, and while you may have behaved a bit foolishly, I can’t say I think less of you for it,” “And how is it that you can help?” “First of all by answering your questions. I’m sure there are a dozen things you’d like to know.” I sighed inwardly with relief. Finally, someone would give me a straight answer. But now that the moment had come, I hesitated. I felt like a man called on to identify a body. With the answers I wanted so much would come knowledge of my plight the coward in me did not want. I forced that part of me back dawn, and picked the question I thought most important. “What precisely is Kala?” “Oh! That requires quite an explanation. You may as well make yourself comfortable. Eons ago the God of Life and Creation, Adon, saw that his brother Kelmur, ruler of the dead and the underworld, was taking some of his temporal creations before their time. Why Kelmur did this no one can say. Perhaps he was jealous, or power hungry, or both. Whatever the reason, a bitter conflict broke out. The first stage of it ended when Kelmur crossed the void between the physical and higher realm and entered the world Adon had created. Until this point Adon had held back his full strength, trying to give his brother a chance to repent. But this invasion was an insult not to be tolerated. He wrested control of the underworld from Kelmur, while casting him out of this world and sealing him out of the higher realm that was their home. His intention was to imprison The Dark god in the eternal void between all worlds, but Kelmur used the last part of his waning power to secure an anchor here. He did this by taking possession of a living person. Who this man was before has been forgotten, he called himself Kelmur afterwards, but he must have been evil to the core, for what was done required a willing participant.” “Wait a minute! If he needed a willing person, how do you explain what has been happening to me?” “I was just getting to that. This fleshly person was Kelmur’s tie to this world. He proceeded to wreak havoc, attempting to destroy what he could not conquer. It is likely that he would have succeeded, had not Adon also descended into his own world. How he did this though is unknown, because he robbed no one of their person. The war raged on, and the world still bears the scars of it in some places. It eventually ended, as all conflict between light and dark do, with darkness being dispelled. The man Kelmur used was killed, and his body placed in a crypt inside a deep mountain. However, it still was not over. Kelmur clung to the lifeless body he possessed, keeping from decaying and maintaining his tie to this world by a thread. For ages he lay there, imprisoned by his crypt and the immobile remains. Then a war broke out among men. It was something trivial enough in itself; I think it had to do with land or some such matter, but brutal to both sides.” “I still don’t understand what this has to do with me.” “Be patient Hal, I was just about to explain. The Aldoras at that time were a small insignificant clan. Despised for their cowardice and weakness of body, their name was used as a byword and insult. One man in particular was looked down on even by the Aldoras. This man was different though; the insults and mockery heaped on him did not make him fearful like the others, but filled him with rage. There was a…darkness in him, which went unnoticed only because of his inability to act on it. Then one day, while wandering around the land his family owned, he heard a voice calling him. He followed it, and found himself at the base of a large mountain. He entered, following the mournful call through the pitch-black catacombs to its source. Eventually, the man stood before two great doors of stone, carved with symbols depicting Kelmur’s defeat. The man realized what he was standing in front of, but instead of fleeing he was pleased. He opened the door and entered the crypt, filled with the vile relics of Kelmur’s time here. Three things in particular caught his attention: A sarcophagus on the other side of a pit containing a raging fire, a pedestal bearing a sealed scroll on his left, and a large cloudy mirror on his right. The man looked into the mirror first, and saw an image that was himself but not himself at the same time. It was a picture of much more powerful version of him, taller, stronger, and an expression of unanswerable evil. Kelmur had chosen his target wisely, for the man was disgusted by his own weakness. What words Kelmur spoke to him I do not know, but what happened seems to have something to do with the scroll on the pedestal. Opening it was like signing a contract, accepting the offer Kelmur put forth. But the arrangement this time was different than the one Kelmur had made before. The first man he had used like a cloak, but the second man surrendered himself completely, and the evil of all evils ran through his very blood. That man was Hal the first, your namesake. Kala is the word used to describe the plight of his descendants; it means ‘bad blood’. Since a part of your ancestor is in you, Kelmur has a hold on you regardless of what you wish. The curse on your family is not one of spirits or haunting, it literally flows in your veins.” I sat in silence for some time, the hopelessness of my situation fully coming home to me. How can one fight oneself? Gloria watched me with pity as my shoulders slumped and I buried my head in my hands. “…And there is no way to free myself from it?” “Yes Hal, there is one way.” “There is?! How? What do I have to do to rid this curse from me? I’ll do anything, no matter what it is.” “You have to do the impossible Hal; you have to redeem all the past history of your family.” “I don’t understand.” “The Rite of Passage your family goes through is a reenactment of what Hal the first did. Every person when they come of age enters the crypt and opens the scroll, re-affirming the agreement, surrendering a part of themselves to the dark god. With you it is even worse. Most of the Aldoras receive only a residual of Kelmur’s power, he choosing a direct descendant of his original servant to carry him through the world. Every generation or so, when his current anchor becomes old, he leaves them, returning to his crypt and calls his next victim. The Aldoras have become so twisted they look on the person called with envy, wishing they had the ‘honor’ of being chosen themselves.” “That’s why I can hear him?” “Yes. He is trying to bring to the crypt.” “But why does he need to? In the cave-” “As you are now he has a hold on you because of your heritage. He can control your actions to a certain extent. But since you have not gone through the ritual of the scroll he cannot use his power through you. He needs you to resume his reign of terror on this land. For centuries, he has held the people here in his grip. He has not built up an entire people, the Aldoras, as his followers for nothing. With each generation he regains some of his power, and soon if he is not stopped the world will revert to the same war that tormented it millennia ago.” “And what is the impossible way I’m supposed to stop him?” “You have to enter the crypt, face Kelmur, and leave with out performing the ritual. That will break the cycle, leaving him without an anchor and trap him in his prison again.” “That’s it? I have to not do something?” “Don’t relax yet, it’s never been done before. Even your father, who hated his very name and fought his curse for years, could not do it. Henry fought the Aldoras themselves, hating his legacy just as much if not more, and he still could not do it when the time came. They could not conquer themselves, they gave in to the temptation for power, and you are faced with the same task. Your mission is not to defeat some great foe, but yourself.” I felt like a heavy weight had been placed on my shoulders. If someone like my father, like Henry, could not overcome this awful inner weakness what hope did a kid like me have? There was nothing noble or outstanding about me, I was simply a scrawny kid often spooked by his own shadow, and this woman was asking me to stare down the god of death. A part of me knew beyond any doubt that this task was impossible, there was no way I could do it. But another part of me knew I had to try, even if it meant my downfall, to take the nonexistent chance of living free. I looked at Gloria, who had sat in silence for some minutes, leaving me to my own thoughts. “How soon can I leave?” A smile broke over her face, but there was a mixture of pride and sadness in it, like one who watches a loved one going off into a dangerous battle. I knew then that this lady had as much confidence in me as I did. “Your mother is waiting with Henry downstairs now.” * * * I understood now the absence of peace of Henry’s face, and even though no mirror was to be found knew that I must have begun to look the same. The weight of all I had learned about myself left me no hope of getting out of this mess with my sanity intact. When I entered the room downstairs, Henry and my mother jumped up from their seats by a window (that whole place was a mass of windows) and begun a string of exclamations of relief at seeing me on my feet. Apparently I had been unconscious for two days and caused them not a little bit of anxiety. My mother looked at me and her face sunk. “You’re going to leave now, aren’t you?” “I have no choice mother.” Her face set the way I had seen it many times when we had an especially bad year at the farm and the threat of starvation was very real. “I’m going to come with you.” “No, mother, you can’t. Look what almost happened before!” “I don’t care; I’m not letting you go there alone.” “Hal is right. If he loses control again there is no surety he could fight it off like last time. Let me go with him, I can defend myself if worst comes to worst.” The two argued like this for a while, each insisting I couldn’t go alone and not wanting to put the other in danger. Finally I put up my hands to silence both of them. “Neither of you are coming with me. If something happens I don’t want your blood on my hands. I’m going alone and that’s final.” Tears welled up in my mother’s eyes, and that same look of sad pride played about her face. How long the three of us stood there I do not know, mother gazed hard into my face as if it was her last chance to memorize it. She embraced me tightly, whispered some words of comfort I couldn’t quite distinguish through her tears, and left the room slowly, pausing at the doorway for one last look at her son before disappearing from view. Henry lingered for a moment, and a smile crossed his face. “You know kid, when I first met you in the woods I had you pegged as a wimp. I guess I’ve been proven wrong.” And with out further comment he turned and followed my mother out of the room. * * * I struck out towards the black outline of an enormous mountain alone. With every step I took, I felt like a man headed towards his execution. The day began to fade, and the odious mountain blended with the sky. I kept pushing myself onward in spite of the dark, thinking that if I stopped my nerve would fail me and I’d go running back to that safe haven and hide for the rest of my life. Never before had I wished for a companion so badly, but at the same time I was glad to be alone. I wasn’t as ashamed of the fear rising in me as the sun sank. It was a relief to know that when I jumped at every noise there was no one to see it. When it got dark enough that I could not see I halted, searching for a place to pass the night. After a bit of searching I settled down between the roots of a large tree and made myself as comfortable as possible. I was just beginning to nod off when a noise snapped me back into wakefulness. It has sounded like a twig breaking. Close by. I peered into the darkness for any sign of movement, but the stars provided meager light and I could only see a few feet. I stood slowly to my feet and waited, nothing happened. I was beginning to feel foolish for my jitteriness when it happened again: A crunching sound of footsteps on the forest floor. I moved back a few steps, the hidden person picked up their pace. I turned and began walking quickly away, the steps behind followed. I broke into a run, and my pursuer did likewise. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me, and the sound of who or what was chasing me grew more and more distant. When the sound had quite died away, I stopped to catch my breath and leaned against a tree, congratulating myself on a successful evasion. I should have been more careful. An ice-cold hand with an iron hold grabbed the front of my shirt and yanked me off me feet. Before I could even realize what had happened a fist pummeled into my jaw and snapped my head back violently. The hand released me, and no sooner had I hit the ground then my assailant’s foot sailed into my stomach. I tried to get up and run away, but two hands took hold of me and threw me hard against a tree as easily as if I were so many feathers. My mouth was filled with blood, the wind knocked clean out of me, and I was certain something was broken. The footsteps began to approach again just as the moon came out from behind a cloud, forcing its pale light through the trees and illuminating Donovan’s face. “U…Uncle?” “Silence brat! I’m ashamed to call you my brother’s son, you worthless, pathetic, waste of space!” He grabbed me again and pulled me to eye level. Gone were the laughing eyes and jolly smile. A vehement rage of pure hatred hissed with his breath and made the veins in his neck pop out. “So you would deny your birthright? Obliterate the only greatness our people have known? You would subject us to the obscurity and contempt of our former days? You do not deserve life, regardless of who your father was!” A second time he hurled me to the ground. Desperately I tried to drag myself away from the madman in front of me, convinced he meant to end my life right there. I was right. He reached into his cloak and drew the same sword he had fought Henry with before, and started towards me. “I’m going to relieve this earth of your miserable excuse of an existence!” Panic gripped me. I had no weapon, no means of defending myself. This thing before me could out run me and had enough strength to crush the life from my body without his sword. I had no way out. This was the end. But as despair began to fill me a blur suddenly leaped out of the brush and plowed right into Donovan, knocking his sword out of his hand and tumbling with him to the ground. It was Henry. Donovan landed a ferocious punch in Henry’s face, throwing him off him. He scrambled to his feet in an attempt to regain his sword, but Henry grabbed his foot and twisted it, bring his foe down with a cry of pain. He turned toward where I sat stunned by the suddenness of the whole thing and shouted urgently: “Hal, run!” I didn’t budge, not knowing whether leaving my friend to grapple with this monster or putting my self in a fight I could not win was the lesser of two evils. My eyes lighted on were Donovan’s sword lay a few yards away and shot back to Henry with a question in them. He struggled to hold his enemy down and shook his head violently. “No Hal! He will not hesitate to kill you, do as I say!” I reluctantly stood to my feet, and saw in Henry’s face the same despair that had been on mine a moments before. I felt sick to my stomach as I realized he was sacrificing himself to save me. The coward in me screamed at me to be reasonable, to accept what Henry was trying to do; but a part of me that had been growing stronger rooted my feet to the spot. I didn’t know which side would win out. What does Hal do? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Fri Jun 09, 2006 4:43 pm; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 8:48 pm    Post subject: Okay, one inportant thing: I'm considering letting this be the last DP in the story. I could drag it out a little longer if I wanted but I think it would show. What do you think? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 10:28 pm    Post subject: Another great chapter GeekGirl Let the story go at its own pace. There's no point forcing it or dragging it out. You've made some good choices so far, I trust your judgement as an author As for the DP, I think it would be more sensible for Hal to put his first priority first and try to save his entire clan, rather than just Henry. Having said that, though, I'm going to vote the other way. I want him to stay and fight. Why? Because if he goes into that crypt thinking of himself as a coward and a failure, then the deal is as good as signed. The malevolent spirit already has far too powerful a hold on him as it is. It's not going to let go if it can sink its claws into his low self-esteem. If he and Henry beat Donovan together, then Hal might carry the knowledge that he can win this fight in with him. So, stay, find some sort of weapon, even if it's just your boot, and get into the fight. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 5:50 am    Post subject: My thinking was also that with two of them, they should be able to beat him, and therefore protect his friends as well. Quote: “Oh! That requires quiet an explanation quite an explanation _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 4:40 pm    Post subject: Yeah, I caught that mistake and thought I fixed it, I guess not. (I do know how to spell, I promise, but I'm a terrible typist) _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 9:10 pm    Post subject: Build up your confidence, Hal. From the history Gloria has told him, it would seem that his ancestors weakmindness did them in. If he can fight off his uncle, his inner strength would be a good defense against the temptation Kelmur. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 8:04 pm    Post subject: That's a good point. Anyother suggestions before I put the poll up? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 2:08 pm    Post subject: Well there is always that fallback option of allowing Henry to sacrifice himself. Though I think the guilt in Hal, should that happen would be too great, and distract him on his overall mission. I would suggest reasoning with him, but Donovon seems too absorbed in himself to think straight. Hal could lie to Donovan and say he wasn't trying to break the curse....Sort of lead him astray. But that will only delay the inevitable. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Argonaut Mercenary Artist Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 344 Location: California Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 6:51 pm    Post subject: Go Hal, destroyer of dark gods I agree with everyone so far. He can't convince Donovan that he's on his side, Donovan wouldn't let Henry go. So the only thing to do is kick Donovan's butt Back to top Author dinranwen Guest Items Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:11 am    Post subject: I really, really like this story so far. You have great descriptive details, and your characters have more then one layer of personality, which by the way is always a great thing. (Look at Long John Silver for pete's sake! Now that's a character with some personality!) Your characters don't have just one thing about them that makes them, well them, and this can really turn out really good for twist and turns in your story. I think that Hal should stay with Henry, whatever comes of that decision I'm sure it will be interesting to say the least. For one thing, Hal loves his mother and the last thing he will want to do is risk her getting hurt. For another, if this curse runs so stongly in him as you say it does, he will need all the training he can get to control it. I don't think Hal is the kinda of boy who just accept this crazy curse and use for evil, I mean look at how he reacted to it in the first place. So, I defintly think he needs to stay with Henry. Keep it coming! Back to top Author dinranwen Guest Items Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:13 am    Post subject: *Oops please excuse my comment, I didn't realize it is out of date. Note to self always make sure your on the last page of a story before posting. But I still think this a great story.* Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:38 am    Post subject: We forgive you Dinnerhen, but please don't double post. You can always Edit your last post in this kind of situation. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 6:52 am    Post subject: I've decided that this will be the last DP. So consider carefully, and get ready for the final twist. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:05 pm    Post subject: Finale already? Well lets end with a bang, shall we? Stay and fight! I was just thinking that Hal will probably still try and reason with his uncle, even when they fight. I don't think Donovan is going to shut up about family betrayal and stuff. Just something to think about. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author dinranwen Guest Items Posted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 7:15 pm    Post subject: I know this is kinda out of context, but everyone keeps talking about editing your post. This is one thing I can't seem to figure out how to do so if someone could help me I would appreciate it. As for the story, after reading all the post thoughly, I would have with the others somewhat. I agree with Ravenwing, that Hal should probably stay and fight. He will need every ounce of confidence to get through the trials to come. On the other hand, the curse may get the better of him while he is trying to help...thus weakening his hold on himself. Whatever he does, we know he cannot flee...fleeing would just delay the inevitable. Are you ending so soon...and just when I was starting to like it to? Don't rush things, good stories come to those who wait. I think that you have a great story here and I would definetly like to see more. But the decision is up to you, it has been a great story whatever you decide. Oh, and Good Luck! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 10:55 pm    Post subject: If you look at one of your own posts, it should have a couple of buttons in the top right-hand corner. One is 'Quote', the other is 'Edit'. Press 'Edit' and a posting window comes up with your original text in it. Simply go in, make the changes you need to and his 'Submit' underneath it, like you would in a normal post Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 5:09 pm    Post subject: Okay, I'll get started on the last chapter right away. I know this makes a pretty short story, but it is my first attempt and I'd like to stop while I'm ahead. Hopefully the last surprise and ensuing climax will make up for everything. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Ravenwing Honorable IFian Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 8:06 am    Post subject: Looking forward to the finale, jess. _________________ Stories New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice. Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM) Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words) Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2006 8:48 pm    Post subject: Chapter 6: The Foundation of Fear I have never been in my best times very brave. As I watched the hopeless struggle I knew that I did not have the strength to be of any use. Henry was twice my size, and he was fighting tooth and nail to hold Donovan down. Every instinct I had told me I could not win this fight, the very thought was laughable. But I also knew that if I ran away I would see Henry’s face staring at me every time I closed my eyes. The past few days had taught me well that some fates are worse than death. I gritted my teeth and ran towards Donovan’s sword. I picked it up, trying not to think too much about what I was doing. I turned, and saw Donovan and Henry struggling for control of the knife Henry carried with him. The knife escaped both their grips and fell seemingly in slow motion to the ground. Donovan kicked Henry back and dove for it. His back was turned to me, so I took the fleeting chance to act. I ran up to where Donovan’s crouched form was just about to take hold of the knife’s hilt and let him feel the point of my sword in his back. From this position it would be easy to thrust with my whole weight and run him through. “Don’t move Donovan.” I was surprised by the steadiness of my own voice, and that my hands did not shake. Henry staggered to his feet and looked up at me with a mixture of relief and dismay. A low chuckle gurgled from Donovan’s mouth. When he spoke, it was if some great joke I couldn’t get had just been told. “So the runt has delusions of heroism? Don’t even try boy, it isn’t in you. If you had any idea of the long line you come from. A line of cowards, traitors, criminals and…” A sinister gleam came into his eyes as he threw a triumphant gaze in Henry’s direction. “…Murderers.” Henry closed his eyes. His whole body went limp and a weary sigh escaped from his lips, like one who knows death is coming and it is pointless to struggle. Donovan’s laughter continued, he was clearly enjoying himself. “But what really gets me is the situation, you’re actually trying to save that wretch’s life after all he’s done.” “I owe him nothing less, he’s saved mine more than once. He’s watched over me like a…a father.” I looked at Henry, trying to catch something, anything, in his expression to confirm or deny my suspicions, but he wouldn’t meet my gaze. Donovan nearly doubled over: “Oh, this is priceless! You aren’t thinking that he is…? As much as I hate to cause pain to you I feel obligated to speak before you kill for this man. Henry Aldora was no more than fifteen when you where born. He is not your father, in fact, he killed him shortly after you mother discovered she was carrying you.” Now my hands began to shake. My face flushed and my breath came out in short gasps. The whole world seemed to be crashing down about my ears. I threw a desperate look in Henry’s direction, hoping he would deny it, but the grief and guilt in his face was all the answer I needed. Donovan must have felt the pressure from the tip of the sword decrease, for his hand began to slowly move towards the blade on the ground. “Poor child, you have suffered so much. You probably wish it were all over.” “I said don’t move Donovan.” “Do you honestly think you have the nerve to kill a man with your own hands? I don’t” “I’m warning you.” “You’re just a runt, you don’t have what it takes to survive here. When you think about it I’m doing you a favor.” His words had a familiar ring to them. A shudder ran down my spine. His hand moved more assuredly, closing the distance between his fingers and the hilt. My knuckles turned white and I felt dizzy. I could feel my heart pounding so hard my whole self seemed to jolt with it. “Donovan…” The corners of his mouth twitched upward in a smirk, as if he knew what was going through my head. His fingers brushed the hilt and closed around it. He began to draw back his hand into a striking position. It was him or me. Summoning every ounce of courage I closed my eyes…and thrust forward. * * * Donovan didn’t utter a cry or make the slightest sound. He simply fell forward with that knowing smirk frozen on his face and eyes wide open, the knife still clutched in his lifeless hand. It made me sick to pull the sword back out of him. Something about the sight of the blood on it struck me with fear, and the realization of what I had just done came home to me. The sword slipped from my grasp, and I half fell backwards against a tree. I stood there for what seemed hours, trying to catch my breath and make the spots in front of my eyes disappear. The crunch of footsteps brought my head back up. I saw Henry, his face full of apprehension and amazement. He started to murmur something in the line of comfort, and placed his hand on my arm. I yanked my arm away and stepped back. “Stay away from me!” “Hal, please listen…” “Is it true what he said, about you and my father?” “Yes, it is. But it was not-” Anger welled up inside of me. Visions of Henry killing my father in horrible ways sprang into my head. Henry tried to move towards me again, but I caught up the bloodstained sword and warned him to stay back. When I looked at his sorrowful face I saw only an enemy, a thing more than a person, who had robbed my mother and I of a normal, happy life. I thought of all the things I had lost by never knowing my father, of the pain in my mother’s voice when she spoke of him. I thought off all the times I had walked into the room to see her hastily wipe a tear from her face and turn away. With each rush of memories and dreams of what my life could have been, my anger increased until I could feel nothing else. I stood there, sword drawn and teeth clenched, consumed with a rage unlike I knew possible. I should have been more careful, knowing my state. The knowledge of who and what I was should have made me check myself and force those feelings down. I never should have allowed such a storm of hate to well up in me, at that moment, especially after what I had just done. As soon as I raised the sword in line with the tormented man in front of me, my whole body went numb and I was instantly immersed in darkness. “So the heroics have been short-lived after all, they always are.” I recognized the voice all to well. The state I was in during this time is difficult to describe. I felt nothing, and saw nothing, but I was dimly aware that my body was moving. It was much like being half-awake, when your dream has not yet faded and reality is mixed in your head with the stirrings of you sub-conscious. I didn’t have to ask the voice, who’s name I now knew, what it wanted or what it was doing. I knew that outside this blackness Henry was most likely fighting for his life. The voice had changed slightly though, all manner of the singsong quality had fallen from it and it addressed me gravely. Somehow this made it more frightening. It is one thing to be laughed at and toyed with by an adversary, it is quite another to be taken seriously by them. I was no longer an object of sport; I was a very serious threat. This was pushing Kelmur to use his full strength whereas before it had been a game. “I am not guilty of what is done by you through me, Kelmur.” “Ah! I told you that you would know my name shortly. And as for your actions, it is likely they would have surfaced without me. You may run from what you are, but you can’t escape it.” “And what am I?” A chuckle rippled through the darkness. The reply came back, almost in a whisper, but so close I thought I felt hot breath on my face when it came. “Mine.” It had been said so plainly, so matter-of-fact and sure of the truth of the statement that the very soul within me quaked. With one word, a terror that still comes back in my darkest nightmares gripped me and threatened to shake all my resolve into nothing. That one word was the most powerful obstacle in the whole struggle between me and the blackness within, and the only one I truly needed to overcome. For a moment, a single syllable held me in the palm of the bane of this world and the next…for a moment. Then something happened to me. As the echo of the horrible declaration still rang in my ears, a rage was welling up in me once again shattering my expectation of my capacity for it. There is a school of thought that says hate in any form is a poison of the soul to be avoided at all costs. They’re wrong. An intense, passionate hatred of all things evil is the noblest of all virtues. It was this that took hold of me now, and saved me from sinking into the oblivion of darkness that had swallowed all before me. “No! I am nothing of yours, and never will be.” “You don’t have much choice in the matter.” “That’s where you’re wrong. You may be able to rob me of my outward body, but you can do nothing to my inward will. That one thing I will never surrender. You may be able to force these legs to kneel, but the soul within me won’t bend.” “You are so much like your father, thinking a mere mortal possesses a will to match mine. I have stood on the edge of the great void and not flinched, I have watched worlds crumble and been unmoved, I have looked gods in the face and not trembled!” “No, you did not tremble, you were utterly defeated. That makes your actions those of a fool.” “A true fool engages in a battle he cannot win.” “Once again you’ve condemned yourself.” A low rumble, not unlike a laugh, echoed through the darkness surrounding me. To my surprise I could feel Kelmur’s presence pulling away from me. The world began to come dimly into focus. I could make out shapes and something moving in front off me, but I could still not discern what was going on. There was a moment of absolute stillness, as if the vile demon was waiting for something. Then in an instant the blackness dispersed, leaving me blinking in the daylight, flat on my back with Henry’s knife a hairsbreadth form my throat. My eyes traveled up the line of the weapon and the arm that held it. I saw Henry staring back at me with a triumphant spark in his brown eyes. He tossed the knife aside, and offered his hand to help me up. I took it and hoisted myself to my feet, noticing several minor injuries to my person as I did so. Henry wasn’t unharmed either. He was covered in gashes and bruises, and for a week afterward he walked with a limp. I gathered that Henry had tricked Kelmur into thinking he meant to kill me, to drive him away and restore me to my right mind. We both hobbled over to a fallen log and collapsed on it, nursing our wounds and catching our breath as best we could. Finally Henry spoke tentatively. “Hal?” “Uh huh.” “About what Donovan said, I think I should explain…” “You don’t have to. It was like this, wasn’t it?” “Yes, only, it wasn’t me he came after. In his fit he attacked Bella. She was so terrified; I couldn’t sit back and do nothing. Even so, I wonder if what I did was right, he was a good man when in his right mind, the best I’ve ever known.” We sat in silence, each with our own thoughts and regrets. A sudden hopeful thought crossed my mind, and I turned towards Henry quickly. “Henry, did Donovan have children?” “No, why?” “Than the line of Hal the first ends with me. Either way Kelmur will be without an anchor after I’m gone.” “How do you figure that?” “Because I’m an only child, there will be no more direct descendants left.” “You’re not an only child Hal, you have a brother.” “Wa…what?! Why didn’t mother tell me?” “I don’t know, I suppose she thought it would do no good to speak about it. You see, her firstborn ran away years ago, and she probably thought he was dead.” “But he isn’t?” “No.” “Well, where is he?” A curious spark came into Henry’s eyes and a smile played about his lips. I stared at him dumbfounded. “You…You?!” “I’m not quite as old as I look.” The pieces began to fall into place, making sense of the mystery Henry had always presented. I understood now his reaction on meeting me, my mother’s reaction to him. It was clear now why he had protected and watched over me, and most of all, why he had risked his life to save mine. It has been remarked by those much wiser than me that the greatest treasure a man can discover is the knowledge that he isn’t alone. As I looked at Henry, my brother, I felt that all I had endured was worth it. I opened my mouth to say something, but Henry cut me off. “We really don’t have time to sit and reminisce, it won’t be long before Kelmur sees he’s been duped.” With that Henry picked up Donovan’s sword and handed it to me, telling me I’d earned it, and led the way towards the fate awaiting me. The sun was beginning to peak over the hills when we reached the base of a large mountain of black rock. The forest stopped short about a hundred feet from it, and looking overhead I saw birds divert there course around it instead of fly over its peak. It seemed that life itself fled from this place of ruin and doom. I don’t remember what I said as I left Henry on the edge of the wood, only that it had something to do with taking care of mother or some such typical thing. I walked forward slowly, and entered a low arch carved with words and symbols similar to what I had seen on Henry’s knife earlier. After a few feet I turned and noticed an odd thing: The darkness of the passageway seemed to have substance to it, and blocked the light of the doorway like a heavy curtain falling behind me. It was impossible to discern distance in this place, I may have walked in circles most of the time for all I know, but eventually I saw a streak of redish light off in the distance. As I drew closer the air grew thinner, staler, and I felt very cold. Alarm bells were ringing in my head, telling me to turn back while I could. But more unnerving was that something else in me, as much a part of me as the instinct of self-preservation, was calling me forward. I approached the glow, and saw that it was coming through a crack in a large stone door. The stone was even blacker than the outside of the mountain, making the light from within seem even more unnatural. The door was heavy, to heavy for a boy of my size to move, and had no handle or such device to open it. For a moment I pondered how I was to solve this problem. But no sooner had my hand brushed the cold surface than it swung open, bathing me in the glare of a raging fire. The sudden burst of heat was suffocating, and it took a deal of intestinal fortitude to force myself into the room. The moment my feet stepped from the threshold, the door swung shut behind me with such force that my ears rung with it and I stumbled to my knees. My eyes adjusted to the light, and I saw that I was standing before a large pit containing the violent blaze. The pit ran the length of the room, and even though it was only a few feet wide, the flames sprung up so high that one could not have jumped across without being turned to ashes. On the other side of the pit, elevated on a low platform, was a stone sarcophagus. Covered in runes that filled the heart with fear even though it could not comprehend their meaning, it was rendered even more sinister by the light of the fire dancing across its surface, casting more shadows than illumination. I couldn’t bear to look at it for long, and drew my gaze back to my side of the cavern. To my left I saw a large mirror, gray with age and coated with cobwebs, set in a frame of stone black as the door I had entered by. To my right I saw a circular pillar near the edge of the pit, likewise black, that stood about four feet high. I stood to my feet and feet my blood ran cold as I saw a yellowed heavy scroll resting on its surface. My feet moved towards it, seemingly without my wishing them to, and the scroll held my gaze as if it had some hypnotic power. The seal on it was shaped like a flickering star, it was cracked in several places showing it had been opened and resealed many times. I felt the blood within me start to boil; an intense desire to touch the thing in front of me took possession of my mind. I slowly stretched out my hand and took hold of the scroll, surprised at its weight, and gazed at it till the whole room seemed to melt away around me. “Mesmerizing, isn’t it?” I came to myself with a start, nearly dropping the scroll, and turned in the direction of the sarcophagus where the familiar voice emanated from. My heart leaped into my throat. It was no disembodied whisper that greeted me. Standing across the pit on top of the sarcophagus was evil incarnate himself. It is difficult to describe his form, partially because it was in the flickering light of the fire, and partially because it kept shifting. Sometimes I imagined the contortions resembled faces I recognized but couldn’t put a name to, sometimes it looked more animalistic than human, but the one thing that didn’t change were the pair of large eyes, glowing with a light the same color as the blaze before them and flickering in unison with it. I became more aware of the sword I held at my side, and gripped it tighter. The devil across the fire laughed in his usual way. “Swords will do no good here, or any weapon made with hands. You are naked of any of the defenses you might have used, more the pity, I was hoping for a slight challenge at least.” Somehow I saw the mirror without turning. For a moment my own pale and thin frame looked back at me from the glass, than melted away into an image that was me and yet not me at the same time. I was taller, stronger, with a twisted grin of extreme malice written across my face. The eyes had ceased to be dark brown and had deepened into a soulless black that gazed at me with as much contempt as I observed it in horror. My hands started to shake and the scroll seemed to grow in weight. What shook me though, was not the terrifying aspect of the creature or the void spilling from its eyes. It was the fact that for all my noble intentions I knew that I had it in me to become this being. I could feel the seeds of it in the back of my mind, and it was all I could do to tear my gaze away and hold my feet to the ground. “You…you can do nothing to me, if you force me to open the scroll it means nothing.” “You’ll open it. I’ve bent the will of stronger men than you before now.” A dense fog seemed to fall over my mind; the room around me appeared unreal, fake. It was difficult to think clearly and my knees began to weaken. It was the sensation of them starting to sink that snapped me back to reality. With a great effort I took my sword and stabbed it into the ground, pushing down with all my might and forcing myself to remain upright. A sound like a growl slipped from Kelmur’s mouth, he stretched his ghostly hand towards me and moved his fingers downward. I felt the weight of a planet descend on my shoulders and gasped as if the very breath in my lungs was being squeezed out. He spoke again in a soothing, hypnotic voice. “It’s hopeless child, you have not the strength to contend with me.” The sword broke in half and I fell trembling to the ground, my knees not an inch from the edge of the inferno. Kelmur spoke with triumph ringing in his voice: “Did you really think for a moment that you could beat me?” I slowly looked up at my tormentor and struggled to speak. “I know I can beat you.” “What gives you cause for such arrogance?” “Because I’ve beaten myself.” I looked the demon straight in the eyes, and a smile darted across my face. With immense satisfaction, I saw the look of shock and horror in his face as I extended my hand that held the scroll over the pit, and released it into the flames. The whole world seemed to stand still for the split second the scroll was visible. It disappeared from sight, and the blaze roared with renewed fury, blasting me and the bane of this world likewise backwards from our places, increasing the gulf between us. A scream, more hideous and frightful than the one in the cave before, poured from the form now contorting at the foot of his coffin. Burns appeared all over him and spread across his body as quickly as fire burning paper. It grew in volume and pitch, making me think my head would burst. I struggled to my feet and smashed the mirror with the hilt of the broken sword. The apparition lingered for a millisecond after the glass shattered, its face twisting as if in pain before it vanished. I turned and faced the writhing figure of the fallen god and stood motionless. He glared at me with an expression of unspeakable hatred and forced himself to his disintegrating legs. Still screaming, he charged at me, meaning to lash out at his hangman with his last breath. Never will I forget the image of the foundation of all fear rushing towards me with the light in his eyes fading. Right as he reached the edge of the pit, his whole body disintegrated into a vapor, leaving a foul smell of burnt flesh behind it. A thought struck me, and I looked at the pillar where the scroll had been. It was not built into the ground. I walked over to it and threw my whole weight against its side. I teetered for a moment and came back to rest. I tried again and pushed it right when it leaned forward. It fell across the pit, just barely reaching the other side, forming a shaky bridge to the other side of the crypt. Hardly believing what I was doing myself, I stepped onto the fallen pillar. The crossing was perhaps the worst part of my battle. I kept telling myself that I had done what I needed to already, why was I doing this? But I knew that another Hal the first might find his way to this place again, and I had to make sure history could not repeat itself. After what seemed an eternity I reached the other side, and stood before the final resting place of my adversary. Fighting back the feeling of panic and dread, I gritted my teeth and approached the sarcophagus. Using the hilt of my broken sword I pried the lid open, surprised at how light it was. I pushed it back so that the light of the fire illuminated a sliver of a face. It was bluish in tint, but perfectly preserved, with its eyes wide open so that it seemed to stare right at me. I shuddered, thinking I saw a gleam in the lifeless eyes, and walked back to the pit’s edge. As I knelt, removing my cloak and wrapping it around my weapon, I thought about what Gloria had said of Kelmur’s spirit clinging to the body of his first servant. I tied the corners of my cloak together tightly around the sword and dipped it into the flames, creating a makeshift torch. Brandishing this new instrument I walked back to the sarcophagus and forced it through the opening. I turned and took no more than two steps before the whole room began to shake with a tremendous earthquake. I was thrown off my feet, nearly toppling into the fiery pit. A searing pain beyond imagination tore through my whole body, making it impossible even to scream. I had forgotten that a part of me was linked to Kelmur’s presence in this world, and in that moment I honestly thought I had signed my death warrant. The wounds I had sustained over the course of the day reopened, the blood pouring from them till I began to feel dizzy. It was unnatural blood, very thick and so dark it was almost black, and steam rose from the ground where it fell. At first I tried to lift my self up, but the pain and loss of blood made me weak. Eventually I collapsed completely and lay staring at the ceiling of that terrible place. As the world went hazy the sound of a thousand voices crying out in agony filled my head, and visions of strange persons flitted across my eyes. It may have been my imagination, but once I thought I saw Henry, likewise incapacitated at the edge of a forest. I could see nothing clearly through the fog of my agony, and a gray mist floated before me. The wailings continued, but I caught a strange note in their midst. A single sigh of relief, quiet and faint yet still discernable. Then the gray mist turned dark, and I knew no more. “Hal? Can you hear me? Bella, Henry, come here, I think he’s waking up.” My head was throbbing and my throat felt very dry. The first thing I saw clearly was Gloria’s blonde head leaning over mine, a soft smile on her face. I sat up and found myself in the same room I had recovered in before. Henry and my mother crowded around the cot next to Gloria, both inquiring in different ways if I was alright so fast that I couldn’t make out a single sentence of what they said. I laughed, which silenced them and seemed to do more to convince them of my well-being than any speech could have. My mother flung her arms around me and cried, and Henry looked at me with irrepressible pride. “You really are something else kid. I honestly didn’t think you would come out of there, let alone go beyond what was asked of you, you’ve proven more than worthy of your name.” As I looked in Henry’s face I couldn’t help but think something had changed. At first I thought he looked younger, than I thought no, he looked taller. Then I realized that it was his expression that had changed. That harassed air and lack of peace had disappeared, leaving behind a face that seemed it had never known an hour of grief. A timid knock was heard, and the door opened a crack. A gentle voice trickled through it. “Is he awake? May I see him?” Gloria nodded and motioned for the speaker to enter. “Yes, come in Martha.” The door opened wider and a young girl about my age slipped in. She was thin and frail looking, with dark hair and eyes like mine. I noticed that her eyes were very large, like one accustomed to fright and struggle. She approached slowly with an air of one who intrudes on their betters, half apologizing with her expression. She stopped within a foot of where I sat. “Are you Hal?” “Yes.” Tears welled up the slip of a girl’s eyes, and she looked at me in unparalleled gratitude. I noticed that a knife like Henry’s was sheathed at her side, and that her arms where covered in scars. She closed her eyes for a moment and spoke again almost in a whisper. “Thank you.” It was at that moment that I decided not only had all my trials and pain been worth it, but would in a heartbeat have gladly done it all over again. The end _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Argonaut Mercenary Artist Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 344 Location: California Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2006 9:24 pm    Post subject: Fantastic ending Geek Girl That Henry killed Hal's father I suspected, but that he was Hal's brother was a surprise. I love a good happy ending I do, always wanted to save the world myself some day Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2006 10:18 pm    Post subject: Congrats GG! A very nice final chapter! Smee would remind you to claim your 100Fatbacks for completing a story as well! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2006 10:22 pm    Post subject: LOL, me too! I've always had an urge to go around smashing mirrors too, so this is like, so my own fantasy. (Except for being a boy, that would be wierd...) _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 1:05 am    Post subject: Great ending Geek-girl. I thoroughly enjoyed this story, all the way through, and congratulations on finishing it so strongly Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 2:16 am    Post subject: A great story Geek-girl. I had actually caught up to the end of Chapter 5, but not managed to comment. This last chapter was as good as the rest. You managed to make the whole Storygame seem epic in only 6 chapters, awesome work Happy Writing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Starwalker Guest Items Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:07 am    Post subject: Looking forward to your next story GG Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 8:22 am    Post subject: Thanks to all of you guys for reading along and giving me a lot of good advice. I feel like I've learned a lot by doing this and hopefully I can look forward to your collective expertise for my next story. _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author Geek_girl72 Respected Citizen Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 810 Location: Earth, The Universe Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 7:18 pm    Post subject: One last question: What do I do with this now that its done? _________________ "My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay Whodunnit?On hold till further notice I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice (\__/) (='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny (")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination. Back to top Author The Powers That Be Respected Citizen Joined: 19 May 2005 Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 7:55 pm    Post subject: Geek_girl72 wrote: One last question: What do I do with this now that its done? Smee or Key will move it into the Archives, in the Hall of Legends, and you should get a big Fable payment for completing the storygame (if that sort of thing matters to you). You can give them a in a PM if you're ready for it to be moved. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway! Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty! 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