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The White Blacksmith
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 Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 2:28 am Post subject: The City of Innocence |
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Here we have my first storygame. Just so everyone knows, I have never made a storygame before and am still only just finding my way around. If it is rubbish, please forgive me. Tips and comments will be much appriciated, help even more so. I wasn't quite sure what catagory this falls into so I just posted it in Experimental. It might change the forum if I realize where it should have been, but I'm pretty sure It'll stay here. Anyhow, on with the show.
The City of Innocence
Chapter 1
The boy was startled out of bed by a huge voice booming out of the speakers over his head.
“UP! UP, MY BOYS!”
He scrambled out of bed and presented himself to the viewing cameras. Around him a lot of other boys were doing the same and the boy looked around until he found his best friend Cder coming towards him.
“Alright, Jads? ”
Cder’s words were barely a murmur but everyone heard him. Although most people were too sleepy to do anything but go to the stand where they were prepared for duty, Cder and Jadyfet seemed to have a skill of retaining energy all the time.
“Fine. But don’t you think we should have a lie-in today, after that mission yesterday? I mean, we got upgraded yesterday and had to move all our stuff. Don’t the rules say we get a day off after each upgrade?”
“Dunno. I can tell you this; everyone has been called out to the stalls today. Maybe it’s a training exercise?”
They rushed to their stalls, Cder to Scout 1, Jadyfet to Assessor 1, and were quickly kitted out into their customised outfits. Then, strapping on the bands showing they were team leaders, they waved too their groups and joined the other 500 Team Leaders going to the meeting room.
“Is this a Training Drill? ‘Cas I don’t think my group need any more training. Why, we conquered all Sirius yesterday!”
The complaint from Gtijal was loud. Gtijal was the Leaderchief of the 250 Warrior groups and all Station were scared of him. He had once decapitated a grovelling leader of a recently defeated planet
with nothing but hand-blades.
“No. This is not a drill. This is the biggest campaign in history.” The gravely voice coming from the end of the room gave everyone a shock. Though he had been known to appear before, the mysterious leader of Station rarely delighted his underlings with a
visit.
“You all know we weren’t originally from Station.”
Jadyfet was nodding. All Stationboys learnt this in training.
“Well, bet you don’t know where we were from. Tsoah. The land of ‘Innocence’. We were thrown out of there because we all had a spirit of rebellion. Now they seem to think we have calmed down in our long , long exile. They have sent peacemakers. We are going to have to take one of six choices. We could meet with them, then slaughter them if we don’t agree, meet and don’t slaughter at all, just refusing to meet stait forward, don’t meet and only defend against their certain armies- with no killing - attack but don’t follow them all the way to Tsoah (with killing) or invade Tsoah. They have armies though. Don’t expect it to be a push over. Assessor leader, Scout leader, you have to decide.”
Jadyfet sat back in his chair, thoughts whirring round his head. Did he really want to take part at all? He had no way of knowing if he had any relation because their brains had been wiped of that as soon as they were outcast, he knew that much from his lessons. He still felt a fierce loyalty to the Stationboys, but would it really not help if he joined with the Tsoans? If he did, what would he do? Should he pretend to accept then gather allies and rebel among the rebels? What would you do? Remember: his team are his backup, so he has to be careful with them. a wrong move could cost Jadyfet his life.
Last edited by The White Blacksmith on Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:19 am; edited 7 times in total
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:44 am Post subject: |
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| am I allowed to vote for my own?
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:44 am Post subject: |
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Interesting start WB.
If I may, a few of the usual suggestions I offer.
Mainly: Put a line between paragraphs, it makes it easier to read. (I am going to assign this to f8 I think).
Also, it is worth holding off on the poll until there has been some discussion on possible courses of action. These twisted lot at IF can sometimes come up with some wonderful* ideas which you can add to your options on the poll.
I would advise you to write the story in Word or something, that way the spell checker will catch any errors.
Anyway, good start, though possibly more background info would have been nice.
Holds foot**
*And some disgusting ones of course. 
**Soily has the patent for 'breath'.
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Last edited by Chinaren on Wed May 17, 2006 6:39 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:46 am Post subject: |
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| The White Blacksmith wrote: | | am I allowed to vote for my own? |
You can do one of several things.
Hold off voting in-case you need a tie-breaker.
Don't vote at all.
Just vote for the option you want so you can see the vote.
Do a Lordy and add an extra option which is the 'Authors vote, please don't click.'
As I said, maybe you could delete the poll if no one has voted yet, and wait for any suggestions... It's up to you of course!
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:51 am Post subject: |
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Hey Blackie 
Interesting start you've got there.
I like the openness of the decision point, but just as a hint and tip, the standard procedure is to wait for people's comments before you put up a poll. You never know when them pesky readers will surprise you with an option you never thought of. Give it a day or two for people to put on their thinking caps is my suggestion 
Now - I'd say our squad leader would be inclined to find out what his squad thinks before he rushes into a decision. Of course, this isn't a democracy and he'll have the final say, but he doesn't want to take any action that his squad won't, ultimately back up, so I think he should tell the Leaderchief that he will have his decision within the hour. It gives him time to consult.
See what I mean? Us readers are annoying like that
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 5:24 am Post subject: |
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Wonderful Another new author.
To answer most of your questions and make the most of your storygame you can follow a few tips from the IFTI:
Beginning a new storygame
Presentation tips for answers regarding appearance, paragraphs length, adding images and such
And voting in your own storygame
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:54 am Post subject: |
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Whoever said I followed 'standard' procedures hasn't realized that i'm probably the strangest person you'll ever meet. *cought* that was only ideas on what might be choices
*everyone else: of course. *
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:08 am Post subject: Re: New Storygame : The City of Innocence |
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| The White Blacksmith wrote: | | Here we have my first storygame. Just so everyone knows, I have never made a storygame before and am still only just finding my way around. If it is rubbish, please forgive me. Tips and comments will be much appriciated, help even more so. I wasn't quite sure what catagory this falls into so I just posted it in Experimental. It might change the forum if I realize where it should have been, but I'm pretty sure It'll stay here. Anyhow, on with the show. |
Be as peculiar as you wish, but you did solicit advice. There is always potential to have a great storygame, and much room for growth and new ideas with this fledgling form of expression, but a certain respect for established procedure will help you ensure that your story is read and enjoyed by others.
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 2:35 am Post subject: |
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sorry almighty fauna 
*bows down to fauna, worships, grovels, ect.*
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 5:47 am Post subject: |
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Oh get up...you're drooling on my new shoes. 
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 9:19 pm Post subject: |
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I see you have your SG up. Can't be too hasty right now. Talk with the squad about what they feel they should do.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 12:21 am Post subject: |
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polls gonna go upn soon. any ideas need to be quick 
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ninja baloon
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| Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 8:18 am Post subject: |
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| Anarchy is the essence of fun. Without it just think about the amount of mechanics that would go out of buisness. There would be nothing to fix.
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Jack_D.Mented
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| Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 7:19 am Post subject: |
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Good start. I agree that he'll want to wait a bit and consult his men.
It would degrade mission effectiveness to take action that is detremential to the his men's morale.
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Eadgar's Saga Chapter 2 POLL
Abattoir Chapter 2!
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 9:30 am Post subject: |
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Ta-daaaa!
Chapter 2
“Well sir, with all due respect, I think I need to ask my team first. I can’t take decisions without a vote, because they’re all highly skilled and with all of their expertise I can’t go wrong.”
“And I may need to check out the star-trade routes between us. As Tsoah is not on any of my maps I presume it’s a very long way away.”
Jadyfet flashed a grateful smile at Cder. He knew that Gtijal always sneered at them because of all the groups their two were the smallest and least violent. That they could not make decisions on the spot was astounding to him and his fellow warriors, because a large part of that group’s most intelligent words were ‘Grunt. Yeah. Right. Hur-hur, them not strong.’. That Cder was willing to be teased so Jadyfet wouldn’t suffer alone was always a touching
reminder of their friendship.
When they got to the orbitary station that housed the Consulting rooms they found their teams were already there. However, what they did not know was this- a Short conversation had taken place between Gtijal, Nfore( an openly mutinous member of the Assessor Team) and Bob (The newest member of the Assessor team). It went something like this:
G.: I want you to report to me anything… odd about your team. I don’t trust your leader, and if you know anything you won’t trust him either. Are you with me?
N.: Yes, of course we’re with you my friend. If it means getting of this Skyforsaken team then I’ll do anything!
Bob: But isn’t this…
At this the other two thwacked him rather hard. Then they thwacked him again. And again. And several more times, until he had a rather pretty display of bruises.
Told you it was short.
Anyway, when Jadyfet got to the hall he very quickly explained the situation to them. Then he gave them the options he had heard the author give to her not-so-adoring not-so-much-of-an-army-more-a-rabble of fans. He accidentally said the ask-your-teams option, but then said he was just tired and asked Nfore to go get coffee for the entire team.
Thinking they had the obstacle out of the way, Jadyfet and Cder retreated to a corner, thinking of the best way to tell the team. Jadyfet was all for telling them now, but Cder wasn’t so sure.
“Do you see the way that bruised new kid, Bob, in your team, is looking at us? It’s like he wants something. The way I see it, we have three choices: Tell them our last option, with that weirdo kid looking on, don’t tell them at all or tell them while that loser kid is on a fetching job. It’s your choice. Keep in mind though: Some of these might turn mutinous if they hear our next suggestion. Others might approach us afterwards with the Idea. It’s your choice, though. You’re the Assessor. I’m just the scout."
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Last edited by The White Blacksmith on Sun May 07, 2006 5:48 am; edited 1 time in total
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LordoftheNight
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| Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I think they should invade - because that'd be cool, and tell the team while Bob is there - itherwise he'll probably find out anyways - they always do - and he'll just be hurt that he wasn't told.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Fri May 05, 2006 7:48 am Post subject: |
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Ok... i will post the poll soon and depending on the choice i'll post another poll
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Sun May 07, 2006 5:02 am Post subject: |
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Lost sight of this SG, sorry about that.
I would think that it may be better for the Leader to make the decision that they invade. Whether Bob is present or not seems to be irrelevent. He is going to find out sooner or later.
We may want to look into the chance of mutiny, but that doesn't seem to connect with the DP at the present moment.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun May 07, 2006 5:44 am Post subject: |
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sorry, think you misunderstood. They don't know whether to tell the crews about the option of joining with the Tsoans of starting a rebellion. They aren't sure about telling them while Bob is there because he looks so eager to pay attention today.
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Tea Cures All.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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I think I got that, but didn't really show that understanding in my post.
Well. Tell the crews with Bob.
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Stories
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 8:23 am Post subject: |
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polls up
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 12:56 pm Post subject: |
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Voted for the first option. May as well get the whole thing done and over with in one big leap.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 9:25 am Post subject: |
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i voted, just to add a bit of flavour and so I could see the results.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun May 21, 2006 7:10 am Post subject: |
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O.K, when I can muster the strenght to write it I will write the next chapter. RL is a bit annoying at the mo, because I've got a project to hand in soon and my exams are the week after next. But I will try and write some, never fear.
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Tea Cures All.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Wed May 31, 2006 4:38 am Post subject: |
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For all my adoring fans- well, ravenwing, I present...
Chapter 3
“Well, there’s really only one option we can take, isn’t there, Cder. We can’t just not tell them - How would we do any rebellion or anything without support. And sending Bob off on his own would just look plain suspicious. We have to tell them all right now. Besides, he has a right to feel eager. He only just got out of training, poor lad. We’ll just have to take the plunge and tell them.”
And with these words the duo turned back to the room. Both teams were looking at the two Captains and so Jadyfet felt he had to say something.
“Friends, comrades, you have stuck with us through thick and thin, and I hope you appreciate how much we have relied on you. Now, we need to know if you trust us completely and would follow us to the end of the sky.”
A loud chorus of “yes” came from the crew.
“Good. Now here’s what I want you to do…”
An hour later, Bob snuck along the corridors leading to the Warrior barracks. He sniggered to himself. Nfore had been sent away and so hadn’t heard the juicy stuff. He alone was the better spy. Having this though in his mind, he was surprised when one of the Warriors grabbed him by his collar.
“Ugh! Tell why here? Where going? Ugh.”
The basic language was simple, but effective. Bob didn’t expect any more for one of Gtijal’s goons. He whispered back
“I’m going to see your leader, you buffoon. Take me there at once!”
“Ugh. You seeing G. Me take. Gottit.”
Bob was literally dragged by the buffoon as he made his way to Gtijal’s quarters. He was discarded with at the entrance, and told to wait as the buffoon knocked. Soon after, Gtijal’s sleep-ruffled hair poked it’s way out of the door. In his usual cultured snarl he asked
“Who is it? If one of you idiots has wet the bed AGAIN there’ll be… oh. It’s you.”
“Sir, I heard my Teamleader discussing something very rebellious with the crew.”
“WHAT? Tell me more!”
The whispering continued long into the night, with both of the two forgetting about any and all commitments.
The next morning, Cder was given a rather rude awakening. No less than three Warrior-Guards were waiting above his bed.
“Wha… What’s going on?” he asked sleepily.
“You are under arrest” barked the rather formal looking leader, while his two fellows giggled and nudged each other behind his back.
“By formal announcement of the Leader himself, you and Teamleader Jadyfet will be locked in the isolation bay. You will be held without trial and you are to be officially forgotten about. You will be given food and water, but your teams will be disbanded and reformed under new leaders. Come along now, your life awaits.”
Cder was pulled along miserably. He had been betrayed. He knew it! They should never have told the teams. He continued to think in this miserable was until a hatch opened and he was flung along a long pipe. There he landed on a scruffy heap right on top of Jadyfet.
For several weeks the two lived in a scruffy manner, eating the kitchen scraps thrown down to them and bathing in the cold wather sloshed down their food pipe (Two loads were sloshed down, on to clean it out and one for them actually to bath in.). Every day a guard would open the door so they could be checked on, but they had no more contact with the outside world that that.
Till, one day, the visit came twice, and the second time was in the middle of the night. And the visitor(s) spoke.
“If you want to escape, listen to me and follow my instructions very carefully.”
_________________
Tea Cures All.
Last edited by The White Blacksmith on Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Wed May 31, 2006 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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How unfortunate for Cder. 
Not much of a DP though, Whitey.
_________________
Stories
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Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
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jnmrcs
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| Posted: Thu Jun 01, 2006 3:29 am Post subject: |
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| Yeah rave.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:13 am Post subject: |
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I had been told I had tro tell them and risk mutiny from his crew. Which happened. The D-point is who is it. Sorry if I don't make that clear.
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DukeReg
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| Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 10:54 pm Post subject: |
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If I understand you correctly:
The only characters we know about are either those in the cell(Jadyfet and Cder), the traitors (Bob and Nfore), and the one they were betrayed too (Gtijal)... I'm at a loss as to who would want to help them, without inventing an entirely new character of my own.
Do you want us to invent someone new, or suggest some motive for Bob, Nfore or Gtijal to have a change of heart, or what? 
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 10:42 am Post subject: |
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You can invent somone new, or there are many characters I haven't given a name. The guard, for instance. He knows enough.
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DukeReg
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| Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 5:35 pm Post subject: |
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Ok... then one of the former team members of Jadyfet's group, named Harjsad, is angry at being mistreated after being reassigned to a group full of thugs, and has determined to get the prisoners out as a kind of stealthy revenge.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 8:05 am Post subject: |
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See, Reg has the idea! Why couldn't you all be more like him!
On second thoughts...
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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Well let me just say this is a very weird DP, and doesn't really follow the normal guidelines for a DP. But I guess this will always be those, who want to break that mold.
Well I am thinking that each of the teams, whose leaders were betrayed are made of more than just those members. Perhaps a group of them take a dare to free their former leaders.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 1:24 am Post subject: |
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O.K. Any more ideas? If not then I'll make a poll.
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 1:34 am Post subject: |
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Umm.... I just finished reading the 3 chapters... im a little confused, but i get the idea...
Methinks it should be one of their team members, come to try and save them.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 1:45 pm Post subject: |
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I don't there are much else our brains can think of.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 12:13 pm Post subject: |
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O.k, poll's up. I added some options that I'd thought of, so get voting people!
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 6:23 am Post subject: |
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Looks like I went with the majority. All the other ideas didn't seem to fit logically in the plot.
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Starwalker
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| Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 6:36 am Post subject: |
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| I like the consept of appearances being deceiving
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JezSharp
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| Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 6:04 am Post subject: |
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Hey Whitey,
Ok, quite good. Perhaps a bit more depth/background to some of the characters would work quite well.
Another good thing to do would be to perhaps highlight the chapters and move it to size 14, although these are minor improvements really.
Also:
| Quote: | | Jadyfet was pulled along miserably. He had been betrayed. He knew it! They should never have told the teams. He continued to think in this miserable was until a hatch opened and he was flung along a long pipe. There he landed on a scruffy heap right on top of Jadyfet. |
from chapter 3 - I assume one of the 'Jadyfet' entries is actually Cder, unless he landed on top of himself  .
Definately has a promising plot line Whitey, will be interesting to see what happens next.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for that and sorry, I seem to have forgotten about this one. Ah well. Here you are!
Chapter whichever-one-we're-up-to part one (I know that much!)
"Harjsad? Is that you?" Jadyfet blinked his eyes at the figure in the doorway. It seemed a lot more haggard and a lot less cheery than last time they had met.
"Yes, and I've brought some of the boys from the old group and some of the workers from the group I was assigned to. I was in a Warrior Training group of about 30. Turns out a lot of the normal people don't want to fight this time too. But we're pirates. This whole Station is a home to pirates! We can't go back to Tsoah and we can't just send the ambassadors home. We're in a rut, you see, and the Rebellion members have decided to get you as a leader."
"The WHA??? You're having a rebellion?"
"Shhh! Keep your voice down! Yes we have one, but only with you to plan it for us! Now, get out of this cell!"
Jadyfet woke Cder up quickly and filled him in on what was happening. They got ready quickly. It would be bliss to get out of the cell.
After hurrieing along the passways they were finally hidden inside a cabin. They would be safe there, it was promised. They could only, however, stay the night because there was a cabin check the next morning and thus they would not be able to remain unfound.
At 4 A.M they were smuggled into the discontinued conference rooms that had ben used by the discontinued teams. Here they begamne making their plans...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O.k, what are their plans? Sorry for the short chapter but I was tired and had to give you something soon. Part two will be coming soon, this is just until my order of idearium arrives.
Stupid darn Mage... Them bloody Extrordanaires think they can get away with anything...
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JezSharp
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| Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:00 pm Post subject: |
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Ummm, sweep through the ship and kill them all :biggrin: ...
I'm rather short of the precious idearium too so that'll have to do for now until I can think of something more origional.
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:23 am Post subject: |
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lol, ok, i F5 Jez. Short but sweet chapter .
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:15 am Post subject: |
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O.k, it seems that's the noly option we have, so I'll add a few more and put up a poll.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 10:26 am Post subject: |
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The poll results were:
Sweep through the ship and kill em all!
At the moment a picture for this story is next on Argo's list. I'll wait for that till I write the next part, although I'm wrking on it, I promise.
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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Just caught up to this one Whitey and, after a few moments spent scratching my head, I voted since I couldn't add anything. I would like a little more background though, and maybe a little more about the charaters themselves since it seems kinda like a blind decision so far.
Just a couple of thoughts as I awaite your next chappy.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 1:21 am Post subject: |
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Here's the piccy Argo drew up. I'll get right onto that next chappy, I promise. 
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| What to do? What to do? |
| Sweep through the ship and kill! |
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40% |
[ 2 ] |
| Go to the Tsoans and plead sanctuary with them. |
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20% |
[ 1 ] |
| Take as much as you can in escape pods and go to start a rival faction. |
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40% |
[ 2 ] |
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| Total Votes : 5 |
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