Search      Members      Groups      Profile      Favorites      RSS      Register      Log in
Beyond Good and Evil -Ch8- "All The Finer Things"
Goto page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next
 
(currently a favorite of )
   Storygames Home -> -> The Vault
View previous topic :: View next topic  

Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:15 pm    Post subject: Beyond Good and Evil -Ch8- "All The Finer Things" Reply with quote

Prlg - "It Begins... Once Again..."



The clocks continued ticking as the bells rang, tearing the night air with their melody. The sound bounced off the building walls and echoed in the distance. The same way that Valentine's Day brings joy to humanity, the night would bring terror. Not immediate peril for the humanity, nor would it be obvious to the humans. It never was. People continued with their lives and it seemed as if it was just another day... only with Cupid and the hearts. Saint Trinity Church was a lonely place to be in on that cold night, or so it would seem to an innocent bystander. But in there much more happened than people wanted to admit.

A man in cleric's garments was kneeling at the small step that led to the altar and the position from which the priest held the sermon. His lips were shaking, his eyelids moved rapidly, his breathing was irregular. The cold and vast spaces of the church were enough to make a man tremble. Was it because of the monolithic proportions or the low temperature, or a bit of both knew only the person which would entered it.

There were two lines of pillars, one on each side of the room surrounding the fancy coated pews, and it seemed like they put the persons sitting in them in a cage. On the pedestal that held the Holy Book laid a small silk-embedded notebook, lit by candles that spread their light far from the altar on which they were placed. A figure that represented Jesus on a large wooden crucifix overlooked the room and pitied the man that submissively laid on the rough carpet and prayed. The man's trance ended and he stumbled. He coughed so hard that the whole church seemed to return to life. A nun hurried and aided him...


"Father Deveraux! Yet again!" she scolded him, Surpassing the bells' magnificent tones that rumbled in cacophony. "How many times have I told you not to kneel here on the cold floor!", she was yelling at the man as she passed him a napkin and held his wiry shoulders. "You should come with me to the rectory and help us with our preparations!"

"To prepare *cough* the bodies and to *cough* prepare the souls are two very different things. Now, I think that you prepared *cough cough* damn cold! Ah, it's happening again. Just like when Jesus came..." He stopped and looked at the large crucifix a bit. "I believe you prepared the nuns and the young clerics in the best possible way, Nancy. Now it's up to them to decide whether they will make it easy or hard for us... and it's up to us to make it through, whatever the outcome."

A man in a similar robe as the priest's slammed the rectory door open and rushed into the room. He was breathing very abruptly and coughed because of all the dust that flew through the air. The few faint light beams that peeked into the room were now clearly visible as the dust particles floated, following their own trajectory.

He managed to scream the words "Father Deveraux! The portal! We need you in the sanctuary right away!", ignoring his panting that was almost intolerable to him.

With a bit of help from his kith, Nancy, Father got up on his old but still strong knees and squeezed the crucifix that laid in his hand through the whole prayer.

"Let's make sure *cough* everything goes as planned, sister Nancy." he said almost hissing "We don't want to be caught unprepared."

He slowly waddled in a zig-zag line still weak, his matron holding him under his arm. His heavy leather boots thumped underneath his robe, giving the one who stood near him a feeling that the old man weighted 300 pounds. They reached the door and the aspirant cleric closed them as they entered. The corridor led to the sanctuary, but they had to make a stop first. Father Deveraux entered his quarters to reclaim something that was of vital importance, for sure.

"The evil must not get them." he said "And if it does, it will be over my dead body or drained soul."

He lit a small torch that was placed on the wall and examined the well known room. It was a pretty modest setting, with only a simple wooden bed and a work desk on one side and a wardrobe on the other. On the desk laid a parchment which he rolled down and put safely in his robe.

Then, like struck by lightning he jumped to the wardrobe. He pulled out the drawers filled with spare garments and threw them on the other side of the room. He had finally reached small door in the wall and drew out a key which was hung on a chain that rested on his chest. He put it in the lock. First turning it 90 degrees left and then 180 degrees to the right, he opened the door with a click.

On the hidden shelf laid a box. It was a medium-large sized box with brown leather casing. There was a lock on it as well. He put the same key he withdrew to unlock the hidden door and made a similar move. First he turned it right for 90 degrees and then a half-circle to the left. He inadvertently turned his back, so when he pryed it open to see if everything was in order the nun and the young cleric only saw a multi-colored glow radiating from the box and making pretty shapes on the ceiling above Father's head.

Without a word he holstered the box at his hip so it was tightly bound to his body. Not everyone knew why he joined the St. Trinity church and why did he adore that box so much. It was more than just material value to him. Oh yes, much more. Only on rare occasions he left his room without it. He, who they called Father in his church and Guardian in Vatican, he who deracinated more evil than any other priest registered and who now trembled over the times yet to come. Yes, it was him. For many people insignificant, for many people an idol.

But his work was not yet done. He bent down into the wardrobe once more. There was a plank that served as the bottom of the sturdy cabinet. He grabbed it firmly near the edges and pulled. The nun and cleric heard the planks cracking, but only the cleric had a strange look on his face. The nun already knew the drill. The young man watched his elder withdraw a large piece of leather clothing.

Once again, Father put the leather trenchcoat that was feared among those who knew what it meant. It rattled a bit, and when he checked it out minutely he found that it was still fitting perfectly. The young man couldn't hide the surprise from his face. Deveraux found that very amusing. This dog still had one helluva bite and many people were astounded by it in the past.

Deveraux shook his shiny leather sleeves and stated "Let's go. Father Thomas will be in trouble soon."

They rushed through the badly lit corridors, avoiding all the doors along the way until they reached the end. Those passages surely weren't for those claustrophobic, or arachnophobic for that matter. In the end stood a heavy door with large wooden and metal pieces to support it. Father Deveraux pressed a tablet on the nearby wall which fell into the cold stone a bit. Few moments after a heavy mechanism was heard screeching and turning. The door opened and the dynamic trio rushed in.

"Everything is ready, Father! We've taken every precaution we could think of!"

The room had no lights, but it was pretty well lit. It was a rotund room with thick stone walls. There were six pillars set at equal distances, and besides them stood monks, clerics and priests of all ranks.

"The First Order sent an agent to accompany us!" said an older cleric that followed them to a rampart that was set up in the room. In the middle of the room stood a pedestal with six steps and horn-like spikes on the top of it's ziggurat-ish construction. By the looks of the men in the room, they were preparing for something bad. Very bad.

The agent of the First Order approached the three newcomers. "Father Deveraux I presume. A pleasure to meet ya. My name is Jonah." he said and offered his hand for a handshake. The leather monk shook that hand in a way worthy of his reputation. Jonah backed a little.

"What are you doing here, Father Jonah? I thought it was my job to watch over this checkpoint."

"The Order thought that you would need extra firepower, so they've sent me."

"I thought so, they were planning to get rid of me for some time." Deveraux thought. "Nevertheless, I must play their game for now, or we are all doomed.". He looked over Jonah's shoulder and saw the light that lit the room has been growing more intense. The spikes were pulsating in multiple colors.

"To your posts! Don't let any of them come through!" he shouted the battle cry and took a cleric weapon that laid on a table along with spare ammunition. The glow eventually became more intense and a small ball appeared about two feet above the pedestal. The ball zapped into triple size and was blue-black, filled with lightning bolts.

"So, this is it." said Deveraux. "Let's send them some Halleluiah's men! Fortes fortuna iuvat!*"

--------------------------------

*Fortune favors the bold


_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jan 31, 2012 12:49 pm; edited 41 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll give more info about the SG later this week, I'm packed right now! Very Happy

I barely found time to do this and I thank Lil' for helping with the grammar. Cheers
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Lilith
Honored Citizen



Joined: 10 Feb 2007

Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wink Anytime Cy, anytime....

I can't wait to see this really take off... *rubs hands together in anticipation*
_________________

© 2007-2019 Lilith
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Guest









Items

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*stands and applauds* Bravo! Bravo!
Back to top
Author
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian



Joined: 05 Sep 2005

Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aha! Finally Cy begins a SGame. Very Happy

Good writing there Cy. A few small phrases that came across as a little strange, but still very readable.

Just one point that didn't work though:

Quote:
held his tenacious shoulders


I don't think tenacious is a very good description for shoulders, unless they are highly determined shoulders that never give up ~thinks of a rather strange idea for a story~ Perhaps something like wiry shoulders would work better here.

I'll go through some of the other points when I get some time, in the crit forum for yer.

In the meantime, I'll settle back and see what comes through. Shocked
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author
Mephistopheles
Respected Citizen



Joined: 24 May 2007

Posts: 612
Location: Not where I want to be.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 11:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

YAY! you got it posted! good job cy! I f5 china, I'll it back and see what comes next Smile
_________________
Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
I don't know, it's just the way I am.

eminem

without the threat of death,
there is no reason to live at all

marilyn manson
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian



Joined: 12 Dec 2006

Posts: 3998


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 10:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good stuff there, Cy, well written!

Looking forward to the first chapter. Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 5:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK, since I promised I'll say more about the SG before I start writing it, here is some info.

I have six people working with me, but not in writing sense. I will use them as actors. We will meet in private and work on their part, which I will write. Something like Pookey, but I will manually write the whole thing and then consult with my associates.

As for this prologue, Father Deveraux is a totally fictional character, and one of the MCs. Yes, I say one of them because I'll have totally eight main characters, Father Deveraux the cowboy cleric being one of them. Cool

I've already figured a way to hold the DPs, and I will tell you more when the time is right. So, you may rest for now, but you'll have a variety of DPs to choose. Very Happy

Many of the readers will think this is a Fantasy story, but I assure you there is more to it. I suggest that they read a few chapters first and then judge it.

I am currently working on chapter one, since it needs some adaptation and translation. I'm sorry if I miss some phrases or if my tenses go wild, but I'm trying my best. Oh yeah, chapter one will have only one poll for the DP, every other will have a dual poll. You will see what I mean. Very Happy

Gun
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Masterweaver
Honored Citizen



Joined: 21 Nov 2006

Posts: 1463
Location: Look around

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 6:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll sign up to act.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 7:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, I've already arranged the actors. Sorry. Smile

This wasn't an open acting SG, the actors and I have an agreement. I will post their names tomorrow, as today I'm pretty busy.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
DELETED
Guest








Items

PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 2:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DELETED
Back to top
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 2:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Zephyr! Thanks for reading! This is my first SG, so I know it's a bit rough, and this prologue will have little meaning to chapter one, but will be of great importance to the story itself, and if my SG lives to that moment, you will see what I mean. Smile

You said some terms are unclear to you. If you have any specific questions, post them and I'll be glad to explain. Oh, and could you post a few notes about the grammar mistakes so I can work on them? Thanks. Very Happy

Chapter one will be soon and then the real work begins. For both the readers and myself. Shocked

Wink
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Fri Jan 04, 2008 9:36 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian



Joined: 12 Dec 2006

Posts: 3998


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 2:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whaa? you mean we gotta work? Scared

Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:46 pm    Post subject: Ch1 - "What the..." Reply with quote

Ch -1- "What the..."


"What happened?"

"What in the name of..."

"Who are those people?"

"Who am I?"

"Why the hell am I wearing these robes?"

Those kind of questions were in the minds of six out of seven people that were in the room. They were all silent, not to interrupt their observation of the room they were in. It was pretty well lit, although there was no obvious light source. On the floor laid a large round carpet that had a picture of a black David's star on white background presented on it. The walls were... not walls. There was one single stone wall that surrounded the rotund room. The color of the wall was a bit yellow-ish and it was embossed by the lines where the rough stones connected. The ceiling was a mosaic of a sword. A large sword with a golden handle and some other decorations that were hard to see. The blade was pointing towards the side where a large crescent table was set.

The furniture in the room was made mostly of mahogany and ebony. The most markable object in the room was the crescent table. It was placed so that the straight part was facing the wall, and the semi-circular part was facing the middle of the room, ruining the symmetry of the whole space. The round part of the table also had six chairs set on equal distances beside it, while the straight part had only one which was placed in the middle. There were some small cabinets and wardrobes placed near the wall as well, but nothing notable or at least nothing that the people in the room noted.

There were seven people sitting at the table at that time and they were all dressed in white robes and tunics. There was nothing on the great semi-round table that could block anybody's view, so they could take a good look at each other. In the only chair on the straight side sat a dark-haired, brown-eyed man. He looked like he was in his twenties and he always smiled. Much warmth pulsated from his eyes and his whole figure in general. He obviously didn't have any bad intentions and because of that smile some of the six people that were sitting across the table felt a bit relieved, some felt a bit scared, and some were, suspicious, so to say.

The man got up and took a deep bow that confused everybody else in the room.

"Hello again. My name is Raphael." he said with a medium toned voice. "I know you are confused, and I know what you are thinking. I assure you that you have nothing to worry about."

The six people that were still sitting were not blinking. They demanded an explanation to why they were there, why don't they remember anything about their lives, why don't... ah, so many questions.

"You have just signed a contract. A type of contract that is eternal." he continued.

The man that sat to the most left from Raphael laughed. "That's bullshit, it can't be eternal. What if we die? Heh, you can't call us to work if we're dead."

Raphael held a straight face, afraid that any facial expression might scare them even more.

"That is the problem you see... you are dead."

The man that laughed suddenly became dead serious.

"The contract had paragraph which stated that you will lose the memory of your past life, and you all agreed to sign it."

"Like hell we did!"

Raphael raised a hand and the room went dark. At that moment you couldn't hear a fly in the room. Partially because there weren't any, partially because everybody except Raphael held their breath. The room was soon vaguely lit, but they weren't in it. Everyone who was in the room was now looking at the site from the ceiling. Everybody except Raphael was shocked by the sight of themselves sitting in those same chairs like nothing happened. There were some papers on the table in front of every one of them neatly placed at identical spacings. The Raphael that was in the room soon spoke.

"This is a point of no return. Everything you had, felt, everyone you knew in your past life will be erased from your memory, as well as your own identity. Only your basic knowledge will be left. If any of you wants to pass straight into the Spiritual realm, you may say it now."

Obviously, the whole scene was a "playback" of what was supposed to be their previous meeting.

"Well, I'd rather live that way than become an energy cloud and float with more energy clouds into eternity and on and on..." said the man to the far left.

"Good. From now on, your name will be Cassiel, who reigns over fire and fiery tempers."

One of the six pens that were placed before Raphael and were pointed towards the six people across the table slid away under Cassiel's strong, sinewy arm, and Cassiel scribbled something on the paper. His motions were brisk and hurried, his face, legs and his body overall was restless and his short dirty blonde hair made him look even more rebellious. Raphael nodded and turned towards the girl sitting next to the one now called Cassiel. She was sitting with her legs crossed and supporting her head with her hand, her long dark hair with purple strikes falling on her shoulders.

"I'm with hothead. Just give me that golden shiny thing so I can write my name down and enjoy my afterlife."

The pen that was facing her slid across the table to meet her gentle fingers. One that was still alive would call her sexy, and her looks haven't changed in the transition. The funny tunic gave some special aura to her appearance... apart from that it was just silly. Her assets were loosely covered and any healthy and sane man would sneak a peek at them. Her skin was soft and eager for someone touching her, her slim body squirmed, lusting for someone to hold it... to calm it down... Or that was what men thought. The girls knew a man-eater when they saw one, and all of the girls kept one eye on her so she didn't do anything funny. When Requiel grabbed the pen and immediately signed her name on the line, Raphael hid his bemused expression. He shook his head to repel his daydreams and continued talking with his previous smile.

"You will be called Requiel. Who reigns over the Moon."

Requiel smiled in satisfaction. She obviously liked the name. Or the title. Or even both, who knows?

A few seconds later the man next to Requiel nodded and Raphael sent a pen to him.

"Excellent. You will be Malachi, who spreads the truth and enlightens."

Requiel elegantly put a hand on Malachi's knee in a way that only Malachi noticed. He looked her in the eyes, almost staring, and those cold eyes really surprised Req. She winked at him, trying to hide the irritation Mal's indifference caused, but he was still ice cold. His long, dark hair, accompanied by his straight face gave out an image of a man that means business. Requiel couldn't find as much as a tick on his poker face. Well, we could just call it his face, since he never gambled but always had that expressionless face. She quickly retreated her hand in her lap, a bit disappointed, a bit scared, but she wasn't planning on giving up. Raphael, who didn't notice any of that, was still talking to the redhead that was next in line.

"... but why won't you let me see them?" she asked him with hope in her eyes. That hope was covered with tears, but it was still noticeable to their patron, Raphael.

"No. As it says in the contract, I can't let you do that."

Maybe it seemed harsh, but Mal read Raphael like an opened book. Something was bothering Raphael, it was obvious this situation simply didn't suit him. OK, maybe it wasnt' so obvious, but Mal somehow knew Raphael wasn't really a tough guy. What he didn't know was... why was he acting so unnaturally? That arose some suspicion in Mal.

The fiery-haired girl wiped the warm tears from her eyes as she nodded, her bitter smile growing more so as the pen drew nearer and nearer. The girl's pretty emerald eyes presented a ravishing contrast with her hair and the dusting of freckles on pale skin over her small nose and high cheekbones gave her the appearance of pure innocence, while the high proud forehead and set jaw showed her determination. Finally, when the pen had stopped, she reached out for it and felt like she was reborn, just from touching it. The future didn't seem so dark now...

"You will be called Seraphine. One of the Seraphs and guardian of the air."

Near the girl with fiery red hair, a pale, black haired man sat. He had prominent facial bones that men thought of as marks of a determined spirit and women thought of as marks of strength. Indeed, he seemed calm and sure of himself. In addition to all that, he emitted a warm aura that rendered those around him more restful. His body was still, but his mind was twirling. You could see it in the depths of his blue eyes.

"I see that you are still surprised by your destiny, young friend" said Raphael. "I encourage you to sign. You have a great future and you shouldn't let it fall to waste. Let's make a better world together."

The young man nodded, still looking at the table and thinking. He closed his eyes briefly and then looked into Raphael's. He only said...

"Yes."

The pen that was facing the black haired man slid across the table, but even though her route was a straight line the pen oscillated. The young man picked up the pen, took a good look at it, and when he found everything was normal he shrugged his shoulders and signed, caring little for that anomaly. Why would he be surprised? After all, he was already dead. The corner of Raphael's mouth ticked a bit, but then his lips stretched into his previous smile.

"Great. You will be called Attaris, whose ally is winter and whose guide is the cold."

He finally turned to the person sitting to the utmost right. It was a cute looking girl with brown hair and differently colored eyes - one blue and one green. It wasn't too odd. It was, in fact, giving her a more childish look. Her appearance was something between puerile and those of an adult, and she was quite attractive, so to say. So fragile, lighthearted by nature... Yes, she was worried now, but that worry dimmed the happiness in her eye only by a small degree. Her intentions were a bit hard to read from the look on her face, though...

"I presume there is nothing I can say to make you feel better." Raphael said with a sweet voice. The girl jumped a bit, and then smiled nervously.

"Well... I..." she muttered. "Since there is no return and we are... well... dead... I guess this is a solution."

Raphael nodded and passed her the pen. As she signed her name on the paper Raphael said "You will be Orifiel, who guards forests and forest life." As Raphael's words faded the black and white projection faded as well, and they found themselves sitting in their seats once more. Seraphine was the first to break the silence.

"One of the Seraphs..." she whispered, "but that means we are..."

She stopped, but Raphael finished her line.

"Angels, yes." he stated, making a dramatic pause. "I have told you everything in that previous meeting of ours which part you've just seen. Now you don't know any of your past life nor the meeting, but all the information I've passed you shall be uncovered as you progress. Nevertheless, you still won't remember your lives. That part is permanently erased."

All six of the newly recruited angels looked at each other, some with criticism, some with happiness. So they were to spend the rest of eternity with that sad bunch of what was supposed to be humans? Or angels? Their observation was, yet again, interrupted by Raphael.

"I will have to go now. There are a few things you must know first." he said, and everyone's eyes were pointed at Raphael with a confused look. "To fully activate your powers, you must close your eyes and say your angelic name. I have some work to do now, but I'll be back soon. Farewell!"

And he vanished in a wave of white light. The angels looked around for an exit, but they didn't have to look for long. Behind the chair where Raphael sat there was a slide door that blended into the wall. It slid into the wall, grinding the floor. The corridor behind them was dark.

Malachi tapped his chin. "I knew there was something fishy with that slot in the wall." The slot was actually the only imperfect part of the door camouflage.

Cassiel ran to the entrance of the corridor and looked inside. "Bloody hell! It's pitch dark in 'ere!" he shouted, echoes sounding in the passage. Requiel gave him a good kick in the butt and the fire angel fell into the darkness of the hallway.

"Well, I guess it's safe" Requiel said. "There is one thing that is bugging me. If he was a fire angel, how come he doesn't glow in the dark or something?"

The angels heard Cassiel's panting in the corridor and suddenly he flew out of the darkness, launching himself at Requiel.

"Why you little bit..."

His flight was interrupted by Malachi's leg that hit his face. He made a backflip and he fell on his back.

"Chill out, we are already dead. You die again, you die for good." Malachi said without looking at the victim of his kick. Cassiel still laid on the floor, muttering to himself.

Attaris approached the entrance of the corridor. He checked the walls inside and nodded. After some thinking he called Orifiel over. When she came to him he asked for her hand.

Attaris turned to those that stood on the other side of the entrance.

"Everyone, take each other's hand and form a line. I'll lead us inside."

Surprisingly, nobody argued against that. They did form a line and Attaris entered, walking right next to the wall. He kept one of his hands on the wall while holding Orifiel's in the other. Orifiel gripped his hand almost too firmly, but he didn't mind. What he did mind was Cassiel's muttering which made every other sound difficult to hear.

"Keep your hands off my ass, missy." Malachi whispered. Requiel glued herself to him for two reasons. One of them was to get a good feel of her new teammate and the other was not to get felt by another. Cassiel tried to touch her accidentally many times. Seraphine, on the other hand, was completely silent.

They walked slowly through the dark stone corridor, impatient to find it's end...


-----------------------------

OK! This is what it is! The full chapter! I've added some parts, I've changed some parts... I hope it's more readable! Smile


Now, The DP is this...

Where are they heading? Where will the corridor end? What will be at the end of the corridor?


*repeats multiple phrases similar to the last three*



Again, sorry for the mess I've made... Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:30 pm; edited 5 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Kalanna Rai
Assassin for Hire



Joined: 21 Jan 2006

Posts: 3102
Location: The Frozen North

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Perhaps to their quarters, perhaps to some viewing room from which they can see their assigned tasks.
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."

"Music makes you braver."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Masterweaver
Honored Citizen



Joined: 21 Nov 2006

Posts: 1463
Location: Look around

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 5:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a test! They will meet (insert hideous being here) but they don't realize that it's only protecting pups. Meanwhile, Raphael will be arranging different things, and hoping not to get caught...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Syranore
Citizen



Joined: 18 Nov 2007

Posts: 153
Location: The Inn

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 10:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting. I F5 Rai about the room where they see their tasks.
_________________
Directive Chapter 2 -Complete
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Kirranna
Resident



Joined: 01 Jan 2008

Posts: 81
Location: California

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OH my gosh this is really a great story, I love the idea and topics presented here.

Hmm DP, I think that someone should ask why they haven't activated their powers yet and so they do, one at a time and it makes them have a sort of glowing aura and then they see that they are in a room full of captive demons. Followed by ensuing chaos.
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
















.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Mephistopheles
Respected Citizen



Joined: 24 May 2007

Posts: 612
Location: Not where I want to be.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

okay, I sorta think that i have to mix a few comments. It is a testing room where they are required to activate their abilities in order to accomplish some set of tasks. They have to work as a team though, getting to know one anothers powers and personalities as they accomplish what needs done. Sorta like a Saw movie without quite as much gore or pain.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Since the suggestions are pretty similar, I think there is no need for a poll. I will just mix all the posts and see what we get. Whaddya say folks?
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
NeverNeverGirl
Honored Citizen



Joined: 18 Jun 2007

Posts: 1216
Location: dreaming away of tomorrows to come

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 4:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOW CY! that was great
there are a couple of issues with the wording that i will discuss with you priv atley and i think they simply stem from the translating to english from croatian detail.

onwards ~ i cant wait to see where you go with this.

and maybe dont tell the IFians names - see if ppl can work them out as the stpry goes
could make an interesting comp aspect of the story..

maybe ppl could ask questions to the characters and the IFian could answer them anonomously via you and then ppl could enter the lists of IFians they think are involved...
_________________
~ Very Happy ~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Ne! Good to see you back!

I would like to see where I will get with this story myself... Smile

The second chapter will be on soon... Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
DELETED
Guest








Items

PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DELETED
Back to top
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 4:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Zephy, I'll make the necessary alterations as soon as I can. Smile

You all made some fine suggestions and I think there is actually no need for a poll. My opinion is, I should put it all together. Do you agree?
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
DELETED
Guest








Items

PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DELETED
Back to top
Author
Novelest_Ninjagirl
Respected Citizen



Joined: 09 Dec 2007

Posts: 700
Location: The inn. Probably. Come check!

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 3:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it! There were a few dull points, but they were important to the story. I must say, I rarely read on in stories like this, and am very picky, and I believe you've just made me addicted to your SG!




I think they should come out from the passage into a clearing in a wide beautiful forest. There should be a lake, and flowers and everything. They should start going through the forest, where one of them discovers their powers.
_________________
My latest SG! (Image courtesy of the lovely Lebrenth)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 10:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I've postponed the writing of my chapter since I got some new ideas...

AND I've put up a poll! it will run for two weeks, so be sure to vote, there is plenty to vote for... Very Happy

AND I've even added an extra poll option... No, not the author only, don't click that! Razz The one above the author only. Cool

So, step out of the tunnel of voting!
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian



Joined: 12 Dec 2006

Posts: 3998


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 2:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, now I know why I didn't get around to this before, it says chapter 1 in the topic title, and I thought I had already read it! In fact I had only read the prologue.

F5 all of Zephs comments on grammar but that aside, this is an interesting tale. The only thing that stood out for me as being a bit strange for this was the closing of eyes and saying the own name to activate their full powers. Seems like the sort of thing you'd do in a game...

Anyways, have voted. Keep going! Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know what you mean, CF, and it would be very bad if they always did so. That part will be explained in the second chapter. You'll see what I mean. Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
theend
Visitor



Joined: 13 Jan 2008

Posts: 8
Location: under your bed eating your socks

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

good story
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK guys, the poll is closed, and I'm starting to write the chapter this instant. It will be hard to make it worthy of your attention and praises, but I will certainly try. Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Novelest_Ninjagirl
Respected Citizen



Joined: 09 Dec 2007

Posts: 700
Location: The inn. Probably. Come check!

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 10:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay!*sits impatiently for story* I can't wait to see what grammer mistakes are made this time! Or how they all respond!
_________________
My latest SG! (Image courtesy of the lovely Lebrenth)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Author
Lilith
Honored Citizen



Joined: 10 Feb 2007

Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 10:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*pokes Cyberworm* We're waiting.
_________________

© 2007-2019 Lilith
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Serge Wolf
Resident



Joined: 23 Jan 2008

Posts: 39
Location: Texas

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 12:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alrighty, its too late for me to vote in the sotry, but I will say that your story is very interesting and I like the direction it is going and I can't wait to see what else is played out.

Afterwards though I'm gonna say I F5 all of Zepher's grammar point outs. I only have one thing that caused a hang up with me. I know these are character's based on IFians, and I probably have No right to say what I'm about to, but characterization seems a bit forced and hurried. I was a little bit confused as to how they knew exactly what they knew about each other especially if they had had their past lives erased.

I sorta got the feeling that they were starting fresh, and that'd give them time to develop a bit further.

Again, I probably have no right saying that myself.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 8:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am very sorry for the delay, I will speed up the writing and hopefully will post it before Friday. Smile School is kicking me butt, so mah chappy es late. : Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 4:08 am    Post subject: Ch2 - "A Strange New World" Reply with quote

CRUDE LANGUAGE ON SOME PLACES, CENSORED

First I must say that not everything is like it is presented to be. No poll cheating is present and everything will be explained in the next few chapters. Smile

---------------------------------------

Ch -2- "A Strange New World"


"We've been walking 'ere forever and still nothing! Zilch, nada, zero!"

"I am sure Attaris knows what he's doing, Cassiel," Malachi reprimanded in his overpowering voice, "so be quiet."

"And who gave the bright idea to follow him in the first place? He would lose his head if it weren't on his shoulders!"

"Oh, shut up! I don't see you doing anything to get us out of here!" Requiel yelled at the rebel as she gripped his hand so hard she could hear the bones cracking. Cas cursed her and when she let go of his hand he ran ahead of them, disturbing the air currents that were Attaris’s main lead towards the exit.

Att heard and felt something hit the wall and silenced the others, waiting to hear it once more as Orifiel leaned towards him and breathed, "This wall only passed the vibrations further. There must be a door somewhere here."

"Yes, we're almost at the end." he stated, and if it wasn't dark, she would have seen the expression of relief on his face. Orifiel doesn't seem to be trained in survival skills, how could she possibly know that the wall hasn’t been hit but it is just shaking collaterally?

Attaris’s attention flicked back to reality and he continued walking forward until he found what he was looking for. Placing his hands on the wall, Attaris could feel a hard ending and he passed his fingers over another wall that blocked the tunnel.

The others heard Cassiel's moaning and approached the source of the sound.

"Damn this! Bastard! You just had to lead us into the middle of nowhere, in pitch black NOTHING..."

This tirade was exactly what had begun to bother Malachi about the whole situation. His dark eyebrows shot up and the contrast with the look on his pale face began to echo the whirlwind of thoughts in his mind. I thought angels were described as almost perfect. This idiot is nowhere near perfect. Not by a long shot. Come to think of it, none of us would ever actually come close to classifying as an angel...

Seraphine felt a sudden compulsion to reach forward and felt the seam where the wall blocking the way ahead connected with the side wall. Something was drawing her forward, something fresh and powerful, gentle and vicious at the same time. She felt air flowing through the crack where the two walls connected. The air was so sweet, filled with both lust and grief, joy and terror, glee and despair. Not that the air in the tunnel was stale, it was just so still. The wind coming from what she supposed was outside was moving, energy in its trail, drawing her further to the cracks. She almost laid her head on the cold rock, just to feel the wind, when the wall started moving.

"Damn, this makes my skin crawl!" Cassiel wailed, as he rubbed his aching side. Orifiel helped him get up and she turned her eyes to watch the moonlight as it entered the narrow space in which they were cramped. Small particles of dust were glowing, surrounded by blueish beams of light that were filling the area around them. Like in slow motion, everything was quiet and calm.

Just outside the tunnel they were in there was a small clearing, about five meters of pure low grass. A few scattered flowers radiated the color of their petals on the serene light that was effused between the branches of the trees that were a few meters away. The six "angels" strode across the small clearing that surrounded the tunnel entrance, or exit. Ori walked over to the nearest tree and ran her hand over the bark. She had a feeling that every pore of it was familiar to her. The grass that ran freely between her bare feet felt nice, almost welcoming...

BAM!

Every angel except for Ori went on alert when the gunshot cracked through the air. Birds flew from the trees in panic, a few rabbits ran through the woods, caring little for the visitors who were watching them, from the clearing. All six of the newcomers were on alert and they felt that they would notice even the slightest move or hear the smallest rustle.

Malachi gave a slight nod to Attaris and they both walked into the forest, noting the others to follow them using hand gestures. The forest wasn't too dense, but it was a beautiful sight to see, covered in moonlight that slipped between the branches of the trees that looked as if they were taken from a cartoon. A few logs laying here and there made them feel as if nobody entered this part of the forest for a long time.

An untouched paradise... Why do I find it so monumental and rare? Orifiel was a bit dazed. She followed Cassiel, who had no problems crossing the obstacles in the way. After a few minutes of sliding through the shadows Malachi raised a hand. His dark black hair glittered in the moonlight and it went pretty well with the metallic gray toga he wore. He leaned against the trees and signaled others to do the same. Soon they heard voices...

"And now what, Horace? To tell him we've blown everything up?"

"Well, we could say it was an accident!"

"Shhh! You want every being in this forest to find out where we are? We are having enough problems without those hellhound bastards..."

They spoke pretty fluently and without any special accent. Cassiel noted they were unarmed so he found it safe to go and greet them.

"Good evening, gentlemen. Now can any one of you tell me what the f*ck is going on here?"

The two men were dressed in raggy clothes, like those found on servants in the middle ages. Their hair was dark and not too shaggy, though one of them had an afro that resembled a microphone.

"Cassiel! Don't scare us like that!" shouted the man named Horace. He looked like he was 20-22 years old. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and collected some objects that were placed on the small stump in the middle of the clearing they were standing in. What the? How does he know my name? Even I didn't remember it!

"Fins, pass me the powder bowl, please." said the one named Horace to the boy that was standing next to him. The boy could be sixteen or seventeen years old and had a cute face. He was dressed in a robe similar to what his older friend wore.

Cassiel gave a strange look to the other five who were hiding in the shadows and then gestured that everything is ok. Malachi sighed and shook his head. When they started walking towards the clearing, Cassiel decided to play along as if he knew those two for years.

"So, uhm, Horace... What's new?" he said, trying to act relaxed and confident.

"Nothing much" said Horace, "Kalamar sent us here to test another one of his alchemical researches. Heh, - he chuckled - he calls it Fireflies. Silly old geezer."

About that time, the other five angels strode down to the clearing.

"Ah, I see the others are here as well! Good." stated the one that was called Fins earlier. "Chief wants you back at the fort to tell him your report. I wouldn't want to keep him waiting. You know how cranky he got ever since the demons started attacking..."

The six of the angels were all confused, but they didn't show their confusion. Obviously, they've met these people before and they were a part of this world for a long time. But demons? Well, they were supposed to be angels, so the existence of demons wasn't so surprising. To some of them, at least. Seraphine couldn't get over the feeling that something wasn't right. This whole thing seemed like a big charade to her. She decided to keep on with the act. Maybe they will find out more about this new world from that man Horace called Chief.

"Well, we'll be on our way now. We shouldn't wait for the dark." Attaris said when he got the idea of Cassiel's act.

"You go on, we'll be right behind you." Fins said and turned to Horace. "We should hurry as well. I wouldn't want to be outside the fort when the darkness comes. We must go and tell the results to Kalamar anyway. He wanted them before nightfall."

As they looked at each other, the angels came to a realization that nobody had any idea where should they go. Requiel was the first one to do something about it. She smiled and straightened out her robe. Perhaps a bit too much even. Her cleavage was 10 cm lower than usual.

"To hell with this forest, I can't find my way around anymore" Requiel said, aerating her cleavage and wiping off the "sweat" from her forehead. She started walking towards a random edge of the clearing, just to be stopped by the boy called Fins.

"Uhm, Req?"

"Yes, Finsie?"

Fins blushed a bit, but he put himself together again and said "The fort is that way", he pointed somewhere on the other side of the clearing. He even managed to chuckle a bit.

"Ah yes, silly me" she giggled. "I should pay more attention to things around me" she said, softly brushing against Fins' shoulder while walking. Now that's my kind of guy. Willing and easy to manipulate. Hmm, but he is just a boy. I won't mess around too much, or the poor guy might think something.

"Hey Cassiel!" Horace shouted.

"Aye?" shouted back.

"Wynona said hi!"

Cassiel, who was stunned by this, just waved and let out a loud laugh, as if he recovered some pleasant memory. Uh, Wynona? Never heard of her. Come to mention it, I've only heard of that one Wynona, with those alien dudes. Hey, where did I watch that movie? He stopped. What's a movie?

They all said their farewells and continued in the way Fins pointed. After what it seemed half an hour of walk, they've reached the outskirts of the human territory. It was a very large clearing with a few lights glowing in the distance. The fort looked like it had seen better days as half the walls were loose and part-way demolished, the towers on the ends threatening to fall over at any minute; the men on patrol, however, didn't seem to mind the fort's meager appearance in the slightest. The six angels needed to get closer if they were to see any more.

They carefully walked across the small clearing to the fort gates, and as they came close a guard opened the portal which they were approaching, shouting something to the men positioned inside. He was barely heard because of all the screeching and grinding that teared the serene night air. Suddenly it was as if the whole fort went to life.

The team walked in as if they've done that a thousand times before, with some exceptions. Orifiel looked warily around to get a good glance of her new surroundings. The few small buildings that were still standing were made fully out of rocks, like everything else that was still holding on. It looked as if the fort was under siege for many years. The look of the buildings and fort overall worried Seraphine. Have we just shown up in the middle of a war? What does future hold for us in this desolate place?

Soon after they entered the fort, a young squire dressed in simple robes ran over to them shouting.

"The chief wants to hear the news from you right now! Follow me quickly!"

They didn't know what was where so they were better off following others and pretending to know everything. Malachi carefully observed every inch of space visible to him, knowing that this night won't be a peaceful one. I don't like this, but for now it's the only way we can get more information. I don't know why is everybody here behaving as if we were one of them, but there's no hurt in going with the flow. When you're in Rome... Soon they entered the biggest building in the fort, made of solid stone and with only a few small windows which offered little view of what was inside.

They quickly passed through the small, dark corridors that led to a great strategy room. The room itself was pretty well lit, with many torches on the walls which were decorated by a few rugs that had some kind of insignia drawn on them a long time ago. Now it was only a pale memory of things that were. There were three men in the room, and the six of them spotted the one called Chief almost immediately. He was dressed in a knights suit of armor while the other two had regular chain vests. They were having a wild discussion when Attaris slid through the shadows, following the wall patterns so he isn't noticed. They didn't hear hims softly tapping the cold stone floor. Seraphine followed him closely, eyeing out the men that were now waving with their hands and showing some points on the large maps that were spread out on the only table in the room. She noticed that one of the soldier that were talking to the Chief had a small emblem on his shoulder that represented a tower. The other had an emblem that had the front gates drawn on it.

Requiel and Orifiel went to the opposite of where Sera and Att were, and Malachi and Cassiel walked in from the front door. They were playing on the stealth card just to be sure, as they've never seen those people before. They surrounded the three men who could only see the two men enter the room.

"Yes, but the gates are not our priority right now! We need to reinforce the eastern walls! The last attack wave collided the southeastern tower and..." the man with the tower emblem stopped. He has finally noticed Malachi and Cassiel coming in the room.

"Ah, yes, I believe we will have to continue this discussion later" he said. "Now, what are the news from our scouting party?"


----------------------

Sorry about the delay, school was kicking my butt. Smile

Now, the DP. What do they say? Is everything peaceful in this new land? Do they bluff about some enemies approaching the fort? Could it be that the doom is approaching and they don't know that? Or maybe they shouldn't worry, but say everything is fine and continue with the exploration? Hmmm...

The choice is yours... Let me see your suggestions. Cool

_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:31 pm; edited 5 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Novelest_Ninjagirl
Respected Citizen



Joined: 09 Dec 2007

Posts: 700
Location: The inn. Probably. Come check!

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 8:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice story! I was entrances, ntoiced a few embarssing mistakes though


Here is should be wore
Quote:
His dark black hair glittered in the moonlight and it went pretty well with the metallic gray toga he whore.

wouldn't they,suposedly, have already heard their own news?
Quote:
"The chief wants you to hear the news from you right now! Follow me quickly!"


This should be stone
Quote:
Soon they entered the biggest building in the fort, made of solid stoned and with only a few small windows which offered little view of what was inside.


As for the DP, I say they say all is well, and then an attack starts
_________________
My latest SG! (Image courtesy of the lovely Lebrenth)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Author
Lilith
Honored Citizen



Joined: 10 Feb 2007

Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love the description here Cy... but remember about the choppy sentence structure. Try to work on that next time! Wink

As for the DP: teehee.. lie through their teeth, say everything is all good, and then the demons attack with everyone unawares.. muahahah
_________________

© 2007-2019 Lilith
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
NeverNeverGirl
Honored Citizen



Joined: 18 Jun 2007

Posts: 1216
Location: dreaming away of tomorrows to come

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 3:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

yeah i guess that they try to improvise a story and shortly thereafter the base coems under attack..

they didnt see any bad guys on their way in so it stands to reason they state that... it wasnt their fault they looked in the wrong place...
_________________
~ Very Happy ~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Author
Mephistopheles
Respected Citizen



Joined: 24 May 2007

Posts: 612
Location: Not where I want to be.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 3:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How about one of them shows some honesty and explains that they have no idea what is going on? Perhaps this is part of their testing?

Good chappy cy, did notice a few things, but, I am sure that lily already squared you out on those. Keep up the good work!
_________________
Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
I don't know, it's just the way I am.

eminem

without the threat of death,
there is no reason to live at all

marilyn manson
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
DELETED
Guest








Items

PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DELETED
Back to top
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 9:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK, I'll be closing the suggestions part in a few days, so if you have anything on your mind, spill the beans. Cool
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Kirranna
Resident



Joined: 01 Jan 2008

Posts: 81
Location: California

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it, very intruiging. Any way, the DP, I think they should not get a chance to reply, because all of the sudden the alarm sounds and they are under attack.
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
















.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 10:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK people, another poll is running. Dance in the hellfire of voting. Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian



Joined: 12 Dec 2006

Posts: 3998


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I just got to this, in time for the vote!

I must say that overall it is a good chapter. There are some passages there which paint the scene very well, and I did get a good feel for the kind of world they had got to.

I did struggle to follow the chapter in places though, some of the transitions were difficult to understand. For example, it wasn't clear that they were coming to the end of a tunnel entrance - at first I thought they were about to break through a wall.

Also, when they first heard Horace and Finn, they strode over to them saying 'good evening gentlemen' but there was only a description of their voices first, with Cassiel noticing that they were unarmed. How did he see them? Were they strolling leisurely? Hiding in the bushes? Perhaps the visual description of the pair before the angels go to greet them might have made a better transition to this point.

This may just be a personal view but I do find scenes where there are a large number of protagonists difficult to follow. I had to go back to the first chapter to remind myself of all the characters and try and imprint a visual impression of each of them. Even then, their images were fading, except Requiel's for some reason.

Even though they are all together, the POV shifts about from one angel to the other, and I think that adds to the difficulty in following what is going on.

You may be able to get around this by selecting one of the angels as your viewpoint or 'camera' and sticking with it. This person would become your main character, and the others his supporting characters. You get to know that person's thoughts, but not the others, although you can have him or her speculating about what might be going through his fellow angels' minds.

Your viewpoint character doesn't have to be the most heroic of the six, or even the most active, but you would have an anchor from which the story is being told.


Anyways, I voted the second option, because they don't know what their mission is, it is clear that Horace and Finn know them, and they don't want to let on that they are clueless just yet. I think this is the best way to find out more.


Cool!

Cool
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Head Eater
Resident



Joined: 20 May 2007

Posts: 62
Location: Hovering above your sssssskull

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thiss sstory isss sssatisssfactory.
_________________
Heads.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
DELETED
Guest








Items

PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DELETED
Back to top
Author
tramp in a storm
Honored Citizen



Joined: 11 Apr 2005

Posts: 1585
Location: You never know...I could be in YOUR dust bin.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 4:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

C'etait tres tres bon! (lol that was very very good) Very Happy *votes*

got a bit confused to begin with *blames that one distracting music* but I couldn't move rooms or be bothered to ask my bro to turn it down 'cos I was too busy reading! Laughing not been that absorbed in a while *decides to read something every day from now on even if school doesn't want me to.* Very Happy

next time I'll try and make it in time for the sugestions Smile

_________________
Did you know: If you plug speakers into your ears, your thoughts will be heard out loud Smile



Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Since it seems like the poll is as good as done, I'll start writing the chappy. Smile If anybody wants to get their vote in, they should do it as soon as possible.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The polling is officially closed.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
FatHairyApe
Resident



Joined: 15 Jul 2008

Posts: 49


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay! Like we discussed in the Inn, I am going to give you a crit without the grammar part.

Here we go. PS - it's step by step so I will quote stuff and then talk about it. Yay.
Quote:

"I am sure Attaris knows what he's doing, Cassiel," Malachi reprimanded in his overpowering voice, "so be quiet."


I always try to refrain from introducing so many names so close to the beginning of a chapter. Here, the reader is lost with three names that he or she cannot relate to (in that they're not Jim, Sally, and Bob). I always try to balance my names, also (try to include a one-syllable one that we can *almost* relate to). Furthermore, reprimanded in his overpowering voice is redundant and a little awkward. The next sentence is really funny.
Quote:

Att heard and felt something hit the wall and silenced the others, waiting to hear it once more as Orifiel leaned towards him and breathed, "This wall only passed the vibrations further. There must be a door somewhere here."

This is really good imagery. I especially like the "breathed" tag, because I can see exactly how it is said.

Another qualm: you have a lot of "+iel" names. Cassiel, Requiel, and Orifiel. When a reader sees this many names this close together in the story, he or she can get a little irritated and pinched back to reality. My suggestion would be to only use multiple names with the same ending if you are dividing people by race (i.e. the Red race [not creative, don't hate] might have a lot of oo sounds and ees whereas the Blue race might have a lot if ika sounds and elkas).

Your angel analysis is spot-on and really well done.

The air was so sweet, filled with both lust and grief, joy and terror, glee and despair. Not that the air in the tunnel was stale, it was just so still.

This is a really good description. However, I'd say if you wanted to keep "both" you'd write "both lust and grief, both joy and terror, and both glee and despair" otherwise nix the both because all of those things in combination aren't a both, but they are if you're comparing them as opposites. I LOVE the fragment starting with "Noth that..." ending with "still". It states powerfully the breathlessness and the unexpectedness of this tunnel air. This sweetness that is just still and looming... yet.... not. Intriguing.

She had a feeling that every pore of it was familiar to her. The grass that ran freely between her bare feet felt nice, almost welcoming...

You have an excellent way of slamming the senses together and setting the reader up. Here, we read that there is this familiarity through each "pore" (sense of touch) but the sense is "feeling", too. The grass (sight, smell) runs freely (we can feel the wind)(can grass run? I think maybe, now!) bare (naked) nice (feeling) welcoming... ahhh! It's just a potpourri of sense!!!

Okay I kind of got a little confused in the middle a little bit, which is why I don't want to critique it in full. It was nice, but... it was just a little... bam-esque.
Quote:

They quickly passed through the small, dark corridors that led to a great strategy room. The room itself was pretty well lit, with many torches on the walls which were decorated by a few rugs that had some kind of insignia drawn on them a long time ago. Now it was only a pale memory of things that were. There were three men in the room, and the six of them spotted the one called Chief almost immediately. He was dressed in a knights suit of armor while the other two had regular chain vests. They were having a wild discussion when Attaris slid through the shadows, following the wall patterns so he isn't noticed. They didn't hear hims softly tapping the cold stone floor. Seraphine followed him closely, eyeing out the men that were now waving with their hands and showing some points on the large maps that were spread out on the only table in the room. She noticed that one of the soldier that were talking to the Chief had a small emblem on his shoulder that represented a tower. The other had an emblem that had the front gates drawn on it.


Great description. I can see it all really well--esp. love the "pale memory". There're some grammar problems here, but I said I wouldn't crit that haha. Love the contrast with emblems.

Great story. I think you just have to watch confusion and your words. I explain. See, as much as it is good to have an enigmatic story, one must remember that if the audience is too confused, it will not want to read. You have to balance utter chaos with enough leeway so that the audience sees there is, indeed, something it can comprehend.

Regarding words: they are powerful. Never use too many words to describe something you could have described better with fewer (notice how awkward that sentence was? I used too many words ;-D). Never forget "said" and common-er names to give your words an essence of reality. Even in fiction--with angels and demons and dead--there _must_ be an essence of reality (a tragic heroic flaw, a speech impediment, an angel that is sort of human) so that your readers can understand what you're showing them.

Well done! I look forward to more.
________
Jugallette


Last edited by FatHairyApe on Mon Mar 14, 2011 11:41 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
zahark
Citizen



Joined: 14 Jun 2008

Posts: 167
Location: Playing with weapons, specifically swords

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

well I haven't read the whole thing yet ,but its pretty good Cy. I'll use it as modivation to get my book report done, and when I'm done I'll read the rest. But, great so far
_________________
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you

And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey

And the sun will set for you ~shadow of the day, linkin park

-------------

I'm not crazy*, my reality is just different from yours.

*most of the time
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 5:47 pm    Post subject: Ch3 - "The Bloody Legion" Reply with quote

LANGUAGE AND EXTREME VISUAL CONTENT*, BE ADVISED.

Ch -3- "The Bloody Legion"


As soon as Malachi inadvertently opened his mouth, not really knowing what he would say, something clashed onto the Chief, then immediately jumped back on the ceiling. Attaris was the only one who got a somewhat better look since it jumped right above him, but it was no good because he was motionless, shocked by the shadowy figure and its glowing red eyes, accompanied by a strange clicking sound.

The death of the Chief was immediately followed by screeches from the outside, panic overflowing the mind of those who heard the man in the watchtower shouting ''The Legion! The Legion!'', and the two sergeants that were conversing with the Chief were frozen in place, trying to comprehend what was just happening.

''It's too early! The next attack wasn't supposed to start in another week!'' shouted the one with the tower emblem, while the other spoke his thought out loud – ''We didn't rebuild our defenses yet.'' He immediately crouched next to the Chief, checking if there was at least a slim chance he survived, but his brief and clear outcry ''Shit!'', along with the large hole in Chief's lungs that was made by the shadowy figure was a clear indication that the Chief was indeed dead. ''Take the six of them'' he continued, ''And lead them to the armory. Find them something they could defend themselves with. May the Lord help us…''

The four of them who were hiding in the shadows looked at where others were supposed to be and then they looked at the sergeant in disbelief. The other officer looked at his comrade with a blank stare, confused, and he opened his mouth like a fish out of the water when suddenly he saw the four that were hidden in the shadows. The sergeant with the gates emblem smiled and said ''Always make sure your troops are accounted for.'' The tower emblem sergeant grumbled and nodded the six 'scouts' to follow him.

He kept eying them suspiciously all the way out of the war room and even when he stopped outside the building to hurry them up, and he wasn't gentle about it either. ''Come on ya lazy arses this ain't a morning walk!'' he pushed them out into the fortress' indescribable chaos. Women, children, old men, most of them screaming and pushing each other while trying to run into one of the designated shelters which were made of weak materials and looked like they were going to crumble all by themselves. 'What are they doing, keeping civilians in a war-stricken land?' thought Att while passing next to a woman who was holding small girl in a light blue skirt by the hand. The girl looked at Attaris and he saw something strange in her eyes, a small glimmer of hope or curiosity for who he was and what was he doing here. But the woman dragged the young girl away further and he shook his head before continuing to run after the tower sergeant and the rest.

They arrived at the back of a building that was only a few yards away from the headquarters, but the entrance collapsed of all the commotion. The tower sergeant didn't have to say anything for they all started clearing the rubble as soon as they got there. by that time Attaris had a whirlwind of thoughts troubling him, thoughts of the gates he observed when they were entering, which were in such a poor condition they probably wouldn't be able to take more than a few hits before falling apart, the poorly equipped soldiers, who didn't seem to have a blacksmith or anyone else capable of professionally taking care of their equipment in the fortress, and last, but not least, the civilians who were still running around, though in much lesser numbers. Why the hell would they leave innocent people in a fortress? If you could call this a fortress…

They finally cleared the rubble and the tower sergeant entered what was supposed to be a weaponry with four of the 'scouts' following him. Timid Orifiel continued staring at the soldiers who gathered in the fortress yard and into a line formation. Att saw the archers on the walls preparing their quivers and bows, checking their arrows while a number of brave soldiers rushed up the stone stairs to form a line, like a human wall in front of the archers. Every soldier stood next to his designated archer in a pretty organized manner and it took them but a few seconds to be fully ready for an assault. Attaris concluded that they must've been fighting for so long it became sort of a routine to them. He nudged Orifiel in and stepped after her when he heard the man in the watchtower shout 'Four hundred yards!'' He looked at the yard's defense line and saw a figure walking behind them.

It was the gates sergeant. He was wearing small plate armor, the kind optimized for quick buckling, but which didn't provide as much cover as the full plate armor. ''Brothers!'' he started with a firm tone like a true leader, ''This may be our last battle…'' he said as he walked in front of the defense line and faced the gates, after which he finished, ''BUT WE WON'T LET THE BASTARDS WIN WITHOUT A FIGHT!''

The watchtower man shouted ''Three hundred yards!'' and Attaris snapped out, quickly jumping through the door of the armory. The image of the gates sergeant continued to wobble in his mind as he was sure that he saw the man before… but he didn't have time for that. He walked up to the tower sergeant and Malachi who were right next to the door. After a brief observation of the armory, they concluded that they didn't have much choice when it came to weapons.

''This is all that is left.'' said the tower sergeant, rubbing his dark beard while doing so, ''Take whatever you think you are able to wield and if there is no such thing, take the first thing that you get your hands on.'' The walls were full of half-empty weapon racks and the weapons gracing the rare filled spots were but simple swords, spears and axes. A small number of shields was left laying around too.

There was a pile of weapons lying the corner to their left, and Malachi sent a questioning look to the tower sergeant. ''None of our soldiers can wield those weapons, some of them we never saw before. They were confiscated when we fended off some rogues.'' Malak nodded and simply approached the nearest rack from which he took a sword and a shield, after which he grabbed a sturdy chainmail shirt to cover himself with. Sera, who was silent the whole time, checking out the room, noticed a large wooden spear which she preempted along with some javelins that were tucked in a simple quiver and thrown away on the ground next to the spear rack, and then she ran off after Malachi.

Cass followed the tower officer who strode to the other end of the room and watched him grab a double-edged greataxe. He followed his lead, snagging whatever was in the rack in that dark corner at the moment and sprinted out of the armory, taking a chainmail suit on the way out. He ran right past Requiel, who stood next to the exotic weapons stand with Att and Ori.

She snitched something, let out a satisfactory ''Muahaha!'' and flew out the room. Att looked at Ori and noticed her shaking. The rattling of the weapons inside and outside the room must've been frightening to her as her slim, frail, but no less attractive body shivered like a leaf on the wind. She couldn't help herself, she cried bitterly and placed her head on Attaris' chest. He was somewhat taken aback, surprised by the sudden outburst of emotions, and it took him a few moments to clumsily pat her on the back. ''Uhm… I know it's hard for you, but they need us outside… we have to help them.''

Orifiel let go of his robes slowly, sobbing, and it was then that he noticed how ridiculous they looked wearing them. He found them some chainmail shirts to cover themselves with and then turned to the weapons pile in front of them. ''I can't find anything you'd be able to use'' he said thoughtfully, clearing away some of the weapons that looked simply ridiculous. He turned around and suddenly he saw her carrying a scythe.

''Whoa! Are you sure you'll be able to use that?'' he asked, for it was indeed a big scythe for a small girl like her. ''I don't know why'' she said ''but this is the only thing that is familiar to me.'' Attaris was still a bit surprised, but he suddenly saw something he found familiar himself. There, right under some metal throwing stars and funny looking axes laid a bow. He uncovered it from the mess, and was happy to see that it was, in fact, a great longbow, five and a half feet in height. He pulled the string and found himself pleased by it's strength. He grabbed a rather large quiver filled with common arrows and a strange sabre-like weapon he liked for some reason, and walked out of the armory leading Ori by her hand.

He turned to her and spoke ''Listen, stay close to me. I promise I won't let anything happen to you.'' She just nodded, and as they walked across the yard he thought to himself One day that hero complex will kill me'' as he shook his head.

The chaos in the yard settled a bit as the women and children were now relatively safe, and the sargeant in front of the defense line saw Attaris looking at him and smiled slightly almost unnoticeable as Att ran up the rough stone stairs wich led up on the walls while leading Orifiel by her hand. Now Attaris observed to find the other members of his party, finding most of them on the collapsed southern wall, and the only one who he didn't locate was Malachi. He swept over the whole fort yard, but it was when Orifiel shook his chainmal vest sleeve and pointed at the defense line behind the sergeant that he saw him. He would never recognize him as he blended with the soldiers perfectly because of their almost identical equipment. Malachi snickered and saluted Attaris lightly when suddenly the watchman shouted ''Get ready'', causing Attaris to turn around as if struck by lightning… and he couldn't believe his eyes.

Demons. Demons with four, six or even more limbs, from two to eight feet, some of them armed and some of them so ferocious the observer actually realizes they're actually extremely deadly even without any weapons, they were all crossing the very large meadow between the forest and the fort, filling the clearing with their great numbers. It didn't appear as if they had a leader to Att, but they seemed prepared and somewhat organized because they didn't attack immediately, but they were waiting just outside the range of a soldier's bow, teasing, shouting, growling, thumping the ground with their legs and almost humanoid hands, daring the men on the walls to make the first move.

If they weren't ugly, with horns and cracked terrifying skin one could actually think that they were facing humans out there, but only barely, and the observer should have a terrible eyesight to conclude that. They are still not moving… why?

===//\\===

===\\//===

Cass: ''I can't believe it!''

Req: ''Oh stop whining already! We're going to be slaughtered by a fucking legion of freakin' demons, and all you can do is squeal like a girl!''

Cass: ''Well I'd love to see you with chainmail pants running up your soft arse!''

Req: ''It's your fault you have an ass big enough for three and an ego to match.''

Cass: ''Why you little…''

Sera: ''ENOUGH!''

Cassiel opened his mouth to speak again, but the tower sergeant had risen his hand and all three of them continued to be silent. Cassiel wanted one last growl at Requel, but Sera smacked him across the back of his head, making his wannabe growl actually a low-toned grunt.

There was a loud growl in the distance that started mixing with the howls and cries of both human and inhuman nature.

''The assault on the front walls has already begun. No doubt they will send some troops to try and breach this side. Our men on the walls will make things easier for us by pouring a rain of arrows on them and thin their numbers a bit.'' The sergeant signaled his men who were positioned behind them and they spread out strategically through the fallen wall to make the best use of their surroundings, while the sergeant himself and the other three settled down behind a corner of a building that was most likely to survive the upcoming assault.

He readied his axe that was holstered on his back, crouched to peek around the corner and waited and Cassiel approached the corner with his axe already in hands. Actually one hand. Sergeant's axe was a double-edged greataxe, whose weight itself would kill a man if it was to be left to fall on his head, but Cassiel wasn't so lucky. In a hurry he grabbed a small, one edged woodcutting axe small enough to be used in one hand, and it looked simply ridiculous by itself, not to mention puny when compared to Cassiel's size. He frowned when he compared the two and grunted yet again, disappointed. Requiel laughed. ''Boys and their toys. Always replacing their physical deficiencies with all kinds of objects…''

Cassiel roared at Req but was interrupted by a soldier's outcry. ''They're attacking!''

And so it happened, screams, growls and screeches of the abominations sounded like they were right next to the listener, hurting the eardrums and pouring fear as the ones who screamed ran between the soldiers on the line of impact. Blood spurted and painted the demons red along with the old remains of the wall that once stood there proudly and mixed with the dust that was soon treaded over by vicious creatures of the dark, the excerpts of mankind's worst nightmares gathered to chop and slice human flesh, rip out limbs from their sockets and crush bones as if they were made of butter. Desperate bleats, caterwauls and cries of the soldiers that were unfortunate enough to be found at the wrong end of the enemies' weapons were soon overpowered by the demons' howls growls and foul outcries… such was the fate of one of the soldiers at the first line of impact.

Some of the soldiers actually managed to hit the demons, but they didn't seem to care for the cold steel in their bodies, they continued to march through, waving and hitting the soldiers away with their monstrous hands. A brave soldier hit the ''knee'' of one of the four-legged creatures with a humanoid torso and spider-like legs and the creature just continued screaming as before, but it reached out and grabbed the poor soldier's head by his face, screamed to him and shook him until the spine in his neck was such a mess it cracked with every move… and the soldier was dead. The creature threw him towards the only building still standing at the walls like a torn tissue, making the corpse crash into the walls, sounds of broken bones and some yet breaking fulfilling the chilling symphony of death that played out on the battlefield.

Cassiel was overrun by bloodlust, without thinking he jumped forward with the axe in his hand, and though he seemed like he lost control it wasn't totally true. He managed to align his hits in a constant motion, evading and hitting the vital spots at the same time. It looked as if war was his game, his passion and life, for his breath was slow and strong and his strikes were true, going through an enemy's knee, neck, eyes and elbows, he seemed to adapt to every enemy and instantly notice the weakness and he had stricken without caring and holding regrets, planning or holding back. He was a man of war. And his intuitive movements and slices were a definite sign of that.

Requiel observed the scene with one eyebrow risen and one hand resting on her hip. ''Damn, seems like barking is not the only thing that dog can do.'' Seraphine just gave her a weird look, but they both snapped out when the sergeant pounced out of their shelter and charged at the demons that sprinted towards them. His war axe was much better suited for crippling, dismembering and killing demons than Cassiel's woodcutting axe, even though Cass used it remarkably well. Sergeant's axe did the same job as Cassiel's, except it went through demon armor and skin like they were made of silk and wrecked much, much more havoc between the demon attackers. He chopped off a leg, an arm, cut a feral beast in half and then massacre it until you couldn't recognize it, which made the two women walking forward gag. They were willing to battle, but that was just too much. Req finished equipping her gloves with blades on the forearms and grabbed her sword and Sera held her spear tightly, her sword holstered safely at her hip. They ran after the sergeant side by side, watching the other's back…

===//\\===
===\\//===

''They have breached the gates!''

The weak front gates that were keeping the inside of the fort isolated fell after the fourth hit with a loud thud, cracking and falling apart under the weight of the battle ram. It was indeed a battle ram in it's full demoniacally twisted meaning, a minotaur-like 18 feet high abomination with dark haired bottom part of the body, looking like that of a normal minotaur – strong legs with hooves instead of feet with reverse knees sending chills to a man's bones when one stood next to it, and it's upper part being human with gray hair covering it's huge arms with long fingernails and the naked torso. The abnormal thing on the upper part was the head, which was that of a ram. The great white horns that were twisted to behind and beyond it's ears were glistening in the light and didn't make it look any more dangerous.

At the same time the men on the walls were struggling to keep the demons off the gates, and the demons slowly started falling in mid-charge, struck by the arrows of the desperate bowmen that swallowed their fear and gave up hope for their own lives so their arms wouldn't shake and they thoughts stayed clear. It was a luxury for a ranged fighter to think of anything else except the fight at hand. Some of the demons managed to reach the walls, but they had nowhere to go. The soldiers were organized well and had almost no blind spots through which the demons could pass unnoticed, and usually they either tried to run up the walls and end up with their arms and heads chopped off or blinded by a light hissing sound of metal slicing the skin and bones.

Attaris didn't really know what or how he was doing. Hooking the arrows and sending them flying over to his target seemed almost natural to him and with every arrow he felt more sure of himself as his accuracy increased almost exponentially. He found the way the bowmen were firing somehow wrong, and he ordered them to lift their elbow higher when drawing the bow. Transferring the weight of the draw to the trapezium muscles, the hand shakes less. He launched another arrow and hit a strange spider-like demon in it's back, to see but a small battalion of little spiders coming out of it.

He was about to warn the men of the spidery threat when the ''mother'' spider started screaming and throwing her own offspring off her. Mindless beasts attack whatever is in their grasp! He ordered the men to shoot the spiders, and soon the attacking forces began to thin, falling because of the new way of shooting the bowmen applied and their successfulness at triggering the walking bombs – the spider carriers. The men at the walls had less work to do now, since it was rare or a demon to even come close to the walls, let alone manage to climb what was now a small hill of demon corpses and reach the walls themselves. The beasts had enough trouble dealing with the rampaging spiders since they didn't pose a real threat, but were rather a nuisance.

While the footmen defended the archers and cleaned up the top of the walls of corpses of both demons and of the unfortunate men that were crushed, ripped apart and those that died due to a blood loss caused by their limbs being cut off and pulled out of their sockets fiercely, Attaris turned around to see how did faired the men in the yard against the gigantic monster that was one of the few who actually made it into the courtyard.

Along with a few dead demons there were injured and incapacitated footmen lying around in most painful and unbelievable positions, surely because the giant and still living ram threw men around like a rabid kid throws toys around and piled them up against the walls, crushing them with ease. It was a great relief the men on the walls managed to held most of the demons out of the fort, as the men in the fort had only one monster to deal with.

The gates sergeant ran around the beast, making a diversion for the other soldiers to hit him on the knees and above his hooves. But the ram-headed minotaur couldn't care less for the hits that felt like needles stinging him, he grabbed another poor soldier, took a swing and threw him to the other end of the courtyard, making him hit the door of their headquarters. Right after that he swiped the gates sergeant off the ground and brought him up, then clamping him between his two giant hands and started crushing him by sheer strength. As soon as the ram roared at the sergeant one of Attaris' arrows zapped through the air and went right into the eye of the beast.

The gargantuous animal roared wildly and let go of the sergeant, covering it's eyes in what one could identify as fear. Malachi took the opportunity to climb up one of it's legs, turn around it and go up it's back, grabbing for it's fur to help him move while avoiding it's giant arms it used to wave around, desperately trying to keep the small people away while trying to cover her eye at the same time. In the vigorous convulsions that started to happen it hit a wall of the building that was reinforcing the walls, collapsing the whole wall in one hit. It even stepped on one of the soldiers before the poor man could evade the hoof which was the size of two humans placed next to each other.

Malachi made it up the mino-ram's back and threw his helmet away since it was only narrowing his vision now. He fell on his chest when the beast stumbled and he brought his sword under it's chin. He pulled the blade over the skin… but there's no blood! The skin is too hard! He panicked… He wouldn't move away in time… One of it's hands is going to squash him right on it's back!

Another arrow flew and pierced the fierce beast's other eye, blinding it totally. it instinctively covered it's bleeding eyes with it's hands, roaring from the bottom of it's throat like when a person tries to cry, but is running out of air to scream with. Malachi knew this was the time to act. He got up, turned his sword upside down and pushed it straight through the neck of the animal, making it appear on the other side and causing the blood to spurt like at a butcher's shop. He moved the sword around, crushing the spine which now popped out of the wound and cutting the veins to make sure that the beast will die. The soldiers heard the ram choking on it's own blood, gurgling the dense red fluid through it's mouth and finally heard it fall on the ground, face first.

The gates sergeant approached Malachi and the beast and kicked the beasts limp body to make sure it's dead. He then looked at panting Malachi and Attaris up on the walls shooting the demons and smiling with each arrow that he let fly, and then laughed. He pat Malachi on the back and said ''That's how people survive: by trusting each other and watching each other's backs.'' Malachi watched the sergeant walk to the other end of the fort to help tend to the wounded and then looked at the kid that played Robin Hood on the walls. I don't know what to think about this kid… there is something strange about him…

Attaris looked left and right to see how the archers are doing, and he wasn't too pleased with the sight. In the first wave the demons managed to wipe out about half of the footmen that were guarding the archers, and now their bodies laid around the dilapidated walls, slowly painting them red with their blood. He turned to Orifiel and saw her shaking like a leaf.

''Ori, are you alright?'' Nothing, she just continued shaking her head as her ruffled and bloodstained robe glued to her skin, emphasizing her female attributes under the bloody cloth that covered it. Att ran out of arrows, so he went on collecting those that were left by the newly departed archers who didn't make it to fire all of their arrows.

He dodged a few bone projectiles fired by the anorexic skeleton-ish creatures that ran towards the fort and threw their bones like javelins, which were immediately followed by oversized grasshopper-type demons pouncing towards the walls.

''ORIFIEL, LOOK OUT!''

One of the grasshopper demons flew to the walls and his trajectory was right over Orifiel. Attaris blinked and though how he failed at his promise to protect her but there was something that left him watch in awe. Orifiel grabbed her scythe with one hand and she spun diagonally, cutting the demon in half through it's whole length with her scythe and the demon's flying corpse continued along it's way to the ground, hitting it with a weak ''thud''.

Att' eyes widened as he watched her shake, but no longer shake in fear as she did, but in some weird and sinister manner. That shaking was accompanied by giggling, which turned into sniggering and tittering, and finally into a throaty maniacal laughter.

She screamed, then laughed again, letting her scythe fall to the ground as her long, dark hair which was glued at some places by dried blood waved on the wind that was stronger on the top of the walls where they stood.

She looked at Att, and it was just then that he noticed how the colors of her eyes were inverted now, right eye now being aquamarine blue and left eye now being emerald green. He raised his bow and put an arrow in place. He drew the arrow slowly, not caring for the familiar voice calling him from the courtyard, he took is aim and fired.

===//\\===

===\\//===

Seraphine suddenly stopped running to the northern end of the fort because there was something happening on the walls. Att aiming at Orifiel???

''Attaris, what are you doing?! Have you lost your mind?''

Not a tick on his face. The arrow flew, passed Ori's ear by an inch, went right next to the soldiers that were forming the defense line on the walls and hit the demon that was attacking a soldier on the far side of the line. She saw Ori following the arrow's course with her eyes to see the dead demon and the grateful soldier saluting Att, and then the loud giggling continued.

Sera shook her head and ran off to the barn that was next o the building that was demolished by the giant ram's hoof. She let out a sigh of relief and opened the barn door when a giant fork flew by her head.

''Are you crazy?! I'm here to protect you you idiots!''

The door soon opened and there was a skinny, poorly equipped soldier opening the door. He apologized constantly as they walked to the improvised bunker made of flour sacks on the other side of the barn.

''No demons entered this safehouse, and I intend to keep it that… AAARGH!''

He didn't get to finish the sentence, his chest was run through by a crude narrow shovel. The women and children hat were hiding and observing from the ''bunker'' screamed, which didn't help Sera at all. She grabbed a rather large sickle from the wall so she could defend herself from close range, seeing how her spear was a bi long for the space she was in. As soon as she turned around so her back was against the wall she heard a shushing and clicking sound, from which she concluded that it was the same thing that killed Chief. But there was a second hiss, somewhere above her.

She backed away from the wall and she took a defensive stance, only to roll to the side a second after because it tried to pounce her from behind. She threw a small javelin directly at the creature and it passed right through it, making it look even more translucent. It seemed as if only his claws were solid and his eyes were glowing with a dark, bloody red color that gave out the suffering of the poor souls trapped inside the being. It screeched and took a swing at her again, the screams of the being in front of her mixing with the throaty yells of the similar being behind her and a third kind of screams coming from the outside… a girl's screams.

===//\\===

===\\//===

The long-legged demons continued to fly towards the walls over the small hills of demon corpses that were quickly falling apart but their flights were always cut short, whether they were hit by a skillful archer's arrow, a footman's sword or Ori's scythe, and some of them even slammed into the walls, aiming their trajectory a bit too low. A few sliced demons later Ori slammed her hand on the wall ridge which fell to dust under her sudden strength. She took a handful of dust rock and started to run it between her fingers while Attaris watched, taking down a grasshopper now and then. She turned her back on the waves of demons that kept coming and clutched her head, screaming in pain, agony… anguish. There was a grasshopper going right for her and when Att saw it, it was too late…

He hurried to set an arrow flying when the demon reached her, and another overturn happened. Pointy branches sprung out her back, stopping the demon in place by piercing it. It convulsed a bit before being torn apart like he was made of gello, it's insides flying through the air and most of it ending on the outer side of the wall.

Those branches continued growing and growing and Attaris backed away, scared by the almost living branches that grew out of his friend's back. They soon formed what looked like a skeleton of wings, great wings, about four and a half feet each. The blood dripped off the wood slowly, and Attaris could swear he saw some of the blood being absorbed in it. As the blood disappeared leaves began to grew out on the branches slowly but surely all the blanks and empty spaces were covered by strong green leaves.

She didn't wait for the leaves to grow to the end, she grabbed another handful of stone dust from the wall and clapped with both hands full of the sandy matter. It poofed through the air and she followed it down with her hands as it landed on the cold stone. She slowly started rising her arms and the ground started shaking. The soldiers were alarmed but the sturdy stone walls held on through to see something that could be considered miracle… or dark magic.

The ground in front of the walls fell in and a part of solid stone was revealed. It was as if all the ground fell through it, leaving only the solid white bodies to exist without impurities. She took a swing she swayed to the left, a dance of death over a dead archer's corpse, her fists clenched and opened and closed, it was all death. Death killing death and nothing more. The stone bodies that appeared were actually huge calculus hands, moving as the hands of their master did. They mimicked Orifiel's moves without any failing, their foes found themselves crushed and swept away, gone in a single clap, like mosquitoes… And it was both wonderful and frightening. Her voice melted into a deep distorted chorus, like it was a voice from another dimension speaking and static razzled through the air with it.

''What's wrong, miss the little frightened Orifiel? You liked me more when I was cute and scared?''

He didn't answer. He just observed how that once tender and fragile girl now enjoyed the massacre before her. And you couldn't say what was the greater horror, the battle itself or the little girl, almost a woman, murdering demons like bugs and singing ''Devil is a loser and he's my bitch...'' in her loud, crispy, hell chorus voice...


''For better or for worse and you don't care which!''

All that power… maybe I should use my powers as well? It would surely give us an edge in this battle… but what if I go mad like she did? What if I start killing innocents and our own people? Damn, there is no time! What should I do???

*AND I'M PROUD OF IT. :-P

====================
====================

Sorry for the wait, finally here's the next chapter, and it's a big one. Very Happy I couldn't make it any smaller since the lines I used are extremely long. Now, what should Attaris do? Use the For... I mean the power or not? Maybe something in between? Suggestions people,suggestions! Very Happy

_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:32 pm; edited 10 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Lilith
Honored Citizen



Joined: 10 Feb 2007

Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Even for such a long chappy, it seemed forced and rushed. A lot of things going on at once for six people and then various supporting characters. Need to fine tune the "pushing the chapter" thing you like to do and maybe do that by condensing some things. You do lurid descriptions well and that's okay to put someone in the feel of the story, but for every little thing can get sometimes distracting. Also, the more you try and split of the points of view, the less connected the reader feels to your main characters, because for the sake of equality, you're trying not to delve too deep with one more than the other.

Don't be discouraged. Use this to help you. It's a fantastic story idea and you have the talent to write it, you just need some tweaking with the translation and transfer from Croatian to English because the way some things fit and turn out to be can mess up the original meaning you had intended and that confuses your reader and can change an important point in the story.

(However, nice battle descriptions. Smile)

Now that the nitpicking is done Wink, the DP: Nah. Attaris is a smart one and of course he's going to hold all his cards until he absolutely has to show them. Ori is on his side so he should be grateful and keep fighting like he is.
_________________

© 2007-2019 Lilith
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 2:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Lil', I really appreciate that comment. I didn't want to make it seem rushed though... *thinking pose* I'll try and deal with it in the next chappy. Very Happy Thanks again!
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
tramp in a storm
Honored Citizen



Joined: 11 Apr 2005

Posts: 1585
Location: You never know...I could be in YOUR dust bin.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*rates the chapter 'Made of Win'* That was fantastically epic! *does a dance* Ori's gone crazy! Ori's gone crazy! Laughing

I say Att uses the power!

*waits patiently for next chappy*

_________________
Did you know: If you plug speakers into your ears, your thoughts will be heard out loud Smile



Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
Mephistopheles
Respected Citizen



Joined: 24 May 2007

Posts: 612
Location: Not where I want to be.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well...at the risk of sounding redundant, it was very long, and it did have a very jerky, rushed, disjointed feel to it. It was like you wanted to be everywhere at once, and while it is possible to do this, you need to be more focused, delving deeper into what is most important and kinda skipping the extra. The barn scene, I feel, could have been left out, as the focus of this chappy seemed to be Ori and her grasp of her abilities (which i feel her madness is but temporary, and should go after the battle is over). The focus here should have been Att and Ori, with mention of the others from their point of view, if that was possible, otherwise, their dealings in the battle could have been recounted in the next chappy.

Read it through again, and you can see where another edit would be good also. To be honest Cy, I had a hard time reading all the way through and kept catching myself wanting to skip ahead to the next paragraph. Work on the focus of the chapter, and build around it and towards it.

The imagery was excellent, and I was able to envision the scenes with great clarity, which is awesome. so often i find myself reading and not visualizing. You did well in creating the visual in this chapter.

as for the dp...not all take to power the same. Att should accept his, and see how well he control it.
_________________
Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
I don't know, it's just the way I am.

eminem

without the threat of death,
there is no reason to live at all

marilyn manson
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
Phantomfan
Citizen



Joined: 01 May 2008

Posts: 309
Location: Deep within the music of the night

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seeing as nearly all the critiquing has already happened, I shall stick to the non-helpful stuff.

*shakes head* Another great chapter, Cy. The action sequences were beautifully choreographed (not sure if that's the right kind of description, but you get what I mean). I really, really loved the last scene, what with Ori going crazy and all- just fantastic.

As far as the dp goes, I have to agree with Tramp, what with At using his power.

Well done!
_________________
I've been pulled back from oblivion to lurk about the City once more. Though the music of the night always beckons...

Here's some stuff I started writing a long time ago. Orb. Nexus.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 4:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you all! I'll be checking the chapter in the next few days in order to eliminate some excess descriptions and useless sub-plots, though the barn scene is important in another way, which would be shown in the next chapter, and I just don't know how to edit it in the way you all suggested, placing it all in one POV and describing others from there.

Still, I will try, and if you have any other suggestions I'll do my best to implement them before I leave for Amsterdam. Than you for your suggestions, and remember, using a power is not just a line between yes and no... Wink
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
tramp in a storm
Honored Citizen



Joined: 11 Apr 2005

Posts: 1585
Location: You never know...I could be in YOUR dust bin.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 12:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hhhmm.. I'm afraid I've got to disagree with not using other POVs. Other POVs being smaller, might be good but taking them out completely, I think, would make it lose tension.

This might just be me, but when I was reading the chappy and it skipped from one POV to the other, I wanted it to go back to the first one to see what happens. Equally when the second POV turned into another one I wanted to go back and find out what happened to the people I was just reading about. That made me read on more eagerly and made the whole thing more interesting. They do it on films too. They swap from one to the other so you keep watching because you want to find out what happened.

Also, getting a glimpse of everyone made it very actiony and fun. If, for example, the whole chap was to be written by Att's and Ori's point of view only it...wouldn't be the same. Partly because I'd guess it'd be hard for them to see exactly what was going on with everyone else as they'd be too busy concentrating on their own fight.

But as I said, that might just be me Laughing

_________________
Did you know: If you plug speakers into your ears, your thoughts will be heard out loud Smile



Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 1:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, that was my intention in the first place Tramps, to make you all eager and to make it look quick and more action-y to counter the long and detailed descriptions I tend to implement in my storytelling.

I would really like more people commenting on the matter of POVs, so please people post your opinions here. I know there's a whole bunch of you who didn't put your two cents in. Come on people, put your My 2 Cents in this box here --> Great or Treasured and post your opinions!
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
zahark
Citizen



Joined: 14 Jun 2008

Posts: 167
Location: Playing with weapons, specifically swords

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think he should ues his power (although insane Ori probably wouldent leave any bad guys for him) but it would give them more of an advantage. mabey some one on the other wall should use it cause they seem to be a little lacking in defence over there (atleast give them a couple archers)

but anyway great so far very long Shocked but very good keep it up Cy
_________________
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you

And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey

And the sun will set for you ~shadow of the day, linkin park

-------------

I'm not crazy*, my reality is just different from yours.

*most of the time
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author
NeverNeverGirl
Honored Citizen



Joined: 18 Jun 2007

Posts: 1216
Location: dreaming away of tomorrows to come

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 5:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

pacing = too fast
some language issues - you should maybe run your chapter by a mentor or mod before posting??

the characters had never met in the first hapters and now you have them reminisicing and chatting like they have known each other for milennia.. if this is a future plot reference then you need to word it a little better....

'i actually got lost betweenn character viewpoints.. 'who is he talking about now?' being the most common thought in my head...

** you based these characters on ppl so perhaps running stuff past them first would allow for more realistic character expression?**

I will do a full crit review if you want me too... jusst let me know Very Happy
_________________
~ Very Happy ~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Author
shy_blu_eyes
Citizen



Joined: 15 May 2008

Posts: 299
Location: Away

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 7:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As to the POVs, I did feel like I was trying to keep track of too many things at once, on the other hand it did create the kind of tension you were attempting. I would reccomend telling the story in to parts, first from the POVs of the people on one wall, and then from the POV's of the other wall. This would be much easier for your reader. On the other hand this would not generate the feeling you were trying to create. For me, that would be a trade off that I would have to make, although there are some authors in IF that are better at striking the balance between the two. One of them may be able to offer better advice.

One suggestion I got from a professor is to try and read your paper at least once for clarity from the audience's point of veiw. If you type your drafts on the computer, one trick to help you do this is to change the font and then don't read it until the next day. In your case, you should probably do this after you've translated it to English. It seems a little silly, but it might help you to see where something that seems simple and direct to the author, but is actually complicated for your audience because it assumes they understand something that is implied rather than stated. It may not work as well for you (especially since you're writing fiction), but it has helped me edit my research papers.

All in all, I really did enjoy you're chapter, and I look forward to whatever is coming next. For the DP, I F5 Lil. Attaris has seen how surprise can shift things during a battle and would want to keep something "in reserve" since the battle isn't over yet and, thanks to Ori, the tide seems to be in their favor.
_________________
A Mysterious Witch, A Bloodthirsty Noble, A Druid with one personality too many, and An Assassin with a price on his head...

and those are the "Good Guys".

Welcome, to the Barony of Wyndshire!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
zahark
Citizen



Joined: 14 Jun 2008

Posts: 167
Location: Playing with weapons, specifically swords

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 11:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Come on Cy wheres the next chapter I've been waiting like a good girl.

or have I Wink
_________________
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you

And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey

And the sun will set for you ~shadow of the day, linkin park

-------------

I'm not crazy*, my reality is just different from yours.

*most of the time
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay guys, sorry for the delay! The poll is up, will be running for 10 days!

I promise the next chapter shall come only a few days after the poll is closed! Very Happy I'll get it nommed for SGotM or die trying! Gun

Lemme see what you think about this one. Beware, this one may alter Attaris' character greatly.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 8:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seems to me like all of you who've been reading have missed a little itsy-bitsy detail when it comes to Orifiel. Let me see if anyone will figure out what exactly is amiss... Wink
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
tramp in a storm
Honored Citizen



Joined: 11 Apr 2005

Posts: 1585
Location: You never know...I could be in YOUR dust bin.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hhhmm... I know I'm gonna get it wrong 'cos I'm not very good at these things Laughing

But...Is it that she could turn against anyone, including Att at any time?

I voted that he uses his powers 'cos it should be interesting...

_________________
Did you know: If you plug speakers into your ears, your thoughts will be heard out loud Smile



Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
zahark
Citizen



Joined: 14 Jun 2008

Posts: 167
Location: Playing with weapons, specifically swords

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I see what tramps saying and so i dont know what to pick so im going with random cant be wrong that way =p
_________________
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you

And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey

And the sun will set for you ~shadow of the day, linkin park

-------------

I'm not crazy*, my reality is just different from yours.

*most of the time
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for voting people, but I still need a tie breaker! Mad

Don't worry, I didn't forget the story, I simply didn't get my net back. I'll post the next chapter as soon as the tie is broken and I get a few minutes of peace.

Now, please break the tie. Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
The Meaning Of Fear
Respected Citizen



Joined: 06 May 2006

Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 1:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well... I'm lost for words. Shocked

It's beautifully written. The words flow well with the events, and everything that happens I can see in my mind... It's amazing. A great Sg, wormy.

The only thing I can complain about is that this seems a little too fast. You've thrown them into such a huge fight scene so quickly, and while it is a great piece in itself, it disrupts the flow of your plot. Makes it quite hard to pitch another war-scene later on in your SG. We as readers barely know anything at all, let alone the characters themselves.

My suggestion is release the information over a series of chapters, slowly and readily to ease out the plot. Don't dump it all out in the next chapter to make up for the abrupt war scene, otherwise it'll end up as a huge lump.

The character development is quite good, though. You're revealing each of their personalities slowly. I find it quite funny that someone like Requiel would be an angel. More like a succubus, if you ask me.

And, you do realize your poll has closed down with a tie of 3:3:0:1?

If it helps, I would've voted for him to use his powers. It'll help us readers get a deeper look into his personality, and the nature of their powers.
_________________
Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.

Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 8:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Meanie, thank you a lot! Very Happy

I'd take this advice to heart, and I'll be writing the chappy in a few days, accounting your vote as well. Unfortunately my time's up so I can't write more but thank you all again for reading! Very Happy

See you in a few days!
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
DeadManWalking
Duke of the Mostly Dead



Joined: 24 May 2006

Posts: 1005


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMN

Boy am i sorry i didn't start this before.

Although i think i may have started it, ha to leave, than forgot how good it was a while back.

well I'm sorry that i didn't finish it.

I'm also very very sorry i'm up against you for SGOTM.

looking forward to the next chappie!
_________________
When the dead walk, the living run.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's ok DMW, RL's been a killer for all of us. Cool

Oh, and may the best SG win. Gun
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
TruePurple
Citizen



Joined: 18 Sep 2008

Posts: 256


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"I thought so, they were planning to get rid of me for some time." Deveraux thought. "Nevertheless, I must play their game for now, or we are all doomed."..

So was all this thoughts? Or did he speak any of it outloud? You need something other then quotation marks to signify thoughts. Maybe italics?


Quote:
The most markable object in the room was the crescent table. It was placed so that the straight part was facing the wall, and the semi-circular part was facing the middle of the room, ruining the symmetry of the whole space.


A crescent is curved on its inner space concavely. It doesn't have a straight side. Maybe you just mean a semicircle?

Also, I assume you meant 'remarkable', not 'markable'. Unless your trying to express how easy it is to write on and deface the table.

Quote:
"... but why won't you let me see them?" she asked him with hope in her eyes. That hope was covered with tears, but it was still noticeable to their patron, Raphael.


See who? The people who have already signed? You don't make this clear.

Quote:
why was (raphael) acting so unnaturally?

Um, the whole situation is unnatural. I can't think of what it would mean to "act natural" in that situation. Nor would I expect it. For that matter, what would a guy with few memories know what natural behavior looks like to compare to?

Why didn't anyone bother reading what they were signing? That information would come in handy for both deciding whether to sign and deciding what to do afterwards. Maybe you could tell us what they signed to help with the DP?

(reading other chapters will have to wait till tomorrow)
_________________
Adventures of John Chapter 2. I am working to update chapter 1 before I close poll and write chapter 3.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
TruePurple
Citizen



Joined: 18 Sep 2008

Posts: 256


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A thought. maybe you could have a list of protagonist characters and their physical and behavioral traits for readers to have a better time keeping track of them. They could keep the list open next to the story. Likewise abbreviating the names occassionally just makes it more confusing.

Quote:
She felt air flowing through the crack where the two walls connected. The air was so sweet, filled with both lust and grief, joy and terror, glee and despair.


I find it hard to believe all that came from a puff of air out of a crack of door. Anyways if it were that strong, I would think she would be overcome with it upon going through.

Quote:
Every angel except for Ori went on alert when the gunshot cracked through the air. Birds flew from the trees in panic, a few rabbits ran through the woods, caring little for the visitors who were watching them, from the clearing. All six of the newcomers were on alert

First part you say Ori didn't go on alert. Second part you say everyone was on alert.

Seems you might have wanted to have them observe those guys they came across when coming out of the tunnel or what ever. To find out how they behave when you aren't around.

Quote:
following the wall patterns so he isn't noticed.


How do you follow a wall pattern? I didn't follow this line.

Does the color change from red to black and back signify anything or is it like my separating of areas in my story to help people keep track of where they are in the story?

Quote:
they thoughts stayed clear


I'm guessing you meant "their thoughts stayed clear"

As far as the DP. If she seems to be holding well enough on her own, I'd say leave it. See what she behaves like after its all done.

The thing with with the priest putting on the leather coat, why? To look 'cool'? Also, why was that guy there with them so impressed by the leather coat. He didn't even know about the whole thing.

BTW, let me guess, your running this like a pen and paper campaign with these 6 guys. Well thats how it seems to read to me.
_________________
Adventures of John Chapter 2. I am working to update chapter 1 before I close poll and write chapter 3.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 1:05 am    Post subject: Ch4 - ''Imbued With Ice'' Reply with quote

Ch -4- ''Imbued With Ice''


The demons will soon break through, the defense line is weakening… we can barely hold them as is, and they still keep advancing yard by yard, shooting down our soldiers. I have no choice…

Attaris' thoughts were interrupted by a bone projectile, but he evaded it with grace and looked at now bloodthirsty Orifiel, whose fluid choreography almost mesmerized him. It seemed like there indeed was death in beauty, for the elegance of her moves was matched only by the death count that continued to rise as her stone hands crushed their foes.

What's with the streak of madness? She was so calm, timid actually… and now the power drove her insane! Who says it wouldn't do the same to me? But… wait a second… I never let her out of my sight, and I'm pretty sure she didn't say anything while we were up here… not a word. Could it be that…

Question, contrast, doubt, question… the only thing missing were the two answers his thoughts generated. He marched over a few corpses, looking only at Orifiel. An arrow or a bone projectile broke under his feet, but who actually cared? The cracking sound was lost in the thumping of the huge stone hands and the battle haze like a drop of water is lost beneath a lake's surface. She was like a butcher in the land of the pigs, the battlefield was her playground. And who was she anyway? She was neither timid nor gentle as Orifiel, her voice was filled with terrible pain, and it almost sounded male. A subtle click in Att's mind zoomed him back to reality as he pulled ''Orifiel'' by her shoulder. She screamed in rage, losing connection with the cold humongous hands which, in turn, fell to block the fort entrance.

Perfect timing! He dodged a swing of her hand, but he couldn't evade a kick in his stomach that sent him flying a few yards behind him.

''Come on, smartass… surely you must've seen it coming!''


''Yeah (cough cough), I've seen it.''

He slowly rolled to the side and stood up, dusting himself off.

''Listen… this might sound a bit bad but… you're a menace.''

''Oh? And I suppose YOU will do something about it?''

She flicked her hand from the elbow and a piece of wall broke off and flew by them, smashing the head of one of the few surviving archers. He literally ''dropped dead'' like a rag doll.

''NOW THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR! STOP!''

She launched another rock, and then another, and another, and you could see the fury in Att's eyes… Righteous rage? Maybe, but definitely rage. He dashed forward, ignoring the throbbing pain in his gut, running over corpses and feeling how the warmth in his legs made them shake, though unnoticeably for anyone else. He shouted his name, which then turned in a throaty scream, and then there was a flash of light.

Blood. Blood dripping down and pouring through the coulisses in the light, cold stone. Attaris stood where Orifiel was, but… did he kill her? No… he lifted her off the ground by her neck, which seemed painful but also looked as if he didn't break it on purpose, like he retained his control in the sudden burst of light and energy. She wriggled in the air, trying to catch her breath.

''(Hack) Bastard… not fair…''

That bastard was now feeling the power run through his legs, his arms… oh, and there was an addition to his physique – a great pair of translucent icy wings. They were glorious, even though they were red with his own blood that poured down and soaked the dust on the ground beneath him. His skin, which was naturally pale, now had a dark shade of blue which was imbued with ice. It spread through the pores of his skin, emphasizing itself on his neck and digging into his cheeks, and his eyes, which were pulsing with heat from the outburst of rage moments ago were now frosty, emanating vapor around their edges.

''I can see why you like this…'' he said, making a fist with his left hand and then releasing. ''But I still can't let you kill them all.''

She shook, but it was because of the dampened laughter. ''Oh really? And since when was I the enemy number one?'' She just pointed over the walls - the demons weren't marching towards the fort in such great numbers anymore, but were instead running away from it, with only a few of the most furious and dangerous beasts still dashing towards them. He threw her forward and leaned over the walls to assess the situation, and when he figured that they were relatively safe he turned his head and looked at her.

What a mess… All this… friends, foes, and especially the ones in between. It shouldn't be this complicated. Why do I have the feeling something is not right? Demons? I read about them… where? My past life was filled with… Oh how my head hurts…

He mustn't show weakness, she is too unstable. Though her role in saving the fort was arguable he couldn't resist his curiosity, since every question has an answer he was content to get some answers. There were just too many questions, and the battle was fading. He frowned, but smirked lightly just to make her tilt her head in confusion.

''Who are you, witch? And how did you gain all that power without saying your name?''

''What? Witch?'' She looked at herself and then at the fleeting hordes of demons. ''Well… this is interesting…'' She stroke her waist and thighs with her left hand while reclining against her right and then giggled girlishly, with the deep tone of her voice preserved. ''Do you really think that the childish yelling of your name is actually necessary, rugrat? Just think about it - I managed to break free without any hocus-pocus or names, now why would anyone want you to say your name every time you want to use your powers?''

Rugrat? That is new. But she is somewhat right... I felt the power going through me even before I said my name, and I think I could even transform without saying it. And why would Raphael want us to go through with it every time? His mind flashed back to the image of them signing the contract. There was something strange in Raphael's eyes, maybe guilt, or even sadness. What was so wrong in what they did? Or perhaps it was something he did?

Another flash and he was back in reality, and he realized he was watching ''Orifiel'' caress herself the whole time (sliding her hand over her loins, stomach and chest), and just when he was about to fight the her hypnotic effect she raised her hand. The rock underneath his legs came alive, looking almost liquid-ish, and it started climbing up his leg and pressing him so hard he couldn't move his legs a quarter inch, no matter how he tried - the force that kept it together was simply too strong. In the sudden realization of his gullibility and the limits of his powers he panicked, fear making him try to crush the stone with his hands… which didn't work. The stone was under her control, and it was too powerful, making her power was even more obvious in the way it was ascending up his waist and pressing his organs. He was about to curse and yell at her when he saw her sweat.

Sweat, drool… Of course! His hands were quicker than his thought, and by making a pretty circular move from the wrists he froze her sweat. The majority of the human body contains water… He grinned inwardly when he figured how deadly that realization was, and that in this world knowledge literally was power. She squeaked at the tingling sensation of cold that ran through her skin but more importantly she lost control of the rocks that were pressing Att's chest and were about to reach his head. Attaris chuckled, which sounded almost as sinister as Orifiel's screams.

''Now…'' he said almost whispering, whispy vapor flowing through his teeth and between his cold, cold lips. ''Who are you witch?'' There was no response from her, she just spat in front of him and tried to shoot him with a wooden arrow. He saw it coming from the corner of his eye and dodged it smoothly. Controlling earth AND wood? I guess it makes sense.

''Don't make me beat it out of you, trickster.''

''Trickster? You flatter me! But you wouldn't hurt a lady now, would you?''


Attaris sighed and shook his head in disbelief. She totally lost it.

''Just stop this madness and return to the human form. Or whatever the ''normal'' look is. We'll talk about this later.''


She made her lips pouty and flapped her eyelashes. ''And what if I decide to stay in this lovely angelic body and wreak more havoc?''

He then looked at her and said, deadly serious – ''Then I would have to beat you up first, and then ask you some questions when you become conscious again.'' She suddenly started clapping childishly, she squeaked in delight with a wide smile stretching her lips before looking at him strangely, radiating something between lust and madness.

''Show me what you've got, popsickle!''

She threw a rock at his head, but he managed to smash it in mid-air with a piece of ice he lunged from the puddle underneath the rock's trajectory. Dust filled the air around him, blocking his vision, when she suddenly threw a punch from behind the powdery wall.

***

Seraphine was getting tired of all the evading. With her short temper and a very great disliking for people (or demons) who play with their victims that she couldn't quite explain her concentration was failing rapidly. She had to kill the creatures or else they would kill her and the civilians, and she had to kill them fast because her chances were getting thinner by the second. The only question that posed now was ''how?''. She observed their movements, but barely tracked them as they shifted through the darkness, and the darkness alone. The barn was fairly big, so the shiftings were almost unnoticeable for the whole of their bodies blended in the dark surroundings with ease, except for their eyes.

This is suspicious. Not only they hide in the dark, but they seem to avoid lights of any kind. They'd kill me before I even got to the barn door, so opening them or just getting help is out of the question. Fuck.She skimmed around with her eyes, looking for anything that could help her. Anything at all. A shush to her left and above her, cracking in the corner, but she needed light! While jumping to the side to avoid a flying slash of one of the creature's claws she caught a glimpse of some light far up near the beams, a small oil lamp that was hanging about 30 feet above her and faintly illuminating the area around it.
Not exactly the kind of light I've been looking for, but I could make use of it… oh yes…

She glanced at the ''bunker'' behind her to see if all the people were safe and when she looked away from the misery and fright that hovered on the faces of old men, women and children she sticked her spear in the ground with one hand while pulling out a javelin with the other, raising it high to get a feel of it's weight and balance before swinging herself back and then forward into a dash, a stretch and the release of the javelin, all of which she'd done like a professional, an athlete.

She launched the javelin in an almost straight line and it hit the lamp, making the burning oil splash around the hay that was lying around and ultimately spread on the walls as well. The shadows never saw it coming, the walls caught fire too fast. As the flames licked their bodies the ghasts became solid and got burned, pieces of their scorched flesh became visible and floated in the air, though the rest of their bodies remained smoky and hollow while those almost humanoid, hollow shapes screeched and shifted around, trying to hide in the shadows that were now almost non-existent.

One of the civilians shouted ''Fire!'' and they all ran out of their hiding place, fighting for the way out of the burning barn. They seemed to see the murderous demons even better than Sera and they escaped them with primitive, crude efficiency while only being weary of the fire. ''Seems like to them it is better to be eaten by demons than burned... Idiots.'' When it seemed like all of the innocents were gone she grabbed a broken piece of wood that fell off the wall and fired it up against some hay, hoping to use it as a weapon, and it proved to be useful since the demons wouldn't approach her now that she could make them solid even for a moment by a swing of her new toy. Encouraged by this new way of defending herself she decided to attack, so she pulled out another javelin and fired it up.

At first she kept missing the beasts, who moved in zig-zaggish patterns that seemed almost random, but she soon saw a move of the beast that was closer to her and she threw a javelin to intercept it. The burned enemy was pinned to the wall, screaming and screeching it's lungs out. It jerked, it scratched the wall but alas, it was futile – the walls were burning closer and closer and soon it burned its hands trying to escape… and then the flames embraced it. In a fiery salvation (or damnation) it was consumed, leaving only dust and pieces of flesh to fall on the ground, the air around it being filled by an aura of lost souls that were now free from their supposedly eternal torment… But there was still another ghast in the barn.

The crackling sound was coming from everywhere, the auditive irritations of burning wood were mixed with the demon's own voice and making it difficult for Sera to think. She walked around the center, daring it to come out and attack, and she took her spear again to heat the tip while still holding the burning piece of wood in her other hand. She slowly circled her way to the center, moving as if she was sneaking and kept sweeping around with her eyes, searching for a floating piece of burned flesh or the glowing, bloody red eyes that were sure to keep haunting her in her sleep in the next few nights.

There was a whisper near her ear, a chuckle above her, even a woman's scream from somewhere and the flames kept flashing in her vision, making it hard to see through the darker areas. There was an overload of sensations, all senses on edge, even her taste buds shriveled at the taste of smoke that acidulously streamed down her tongue. So uncomfortable, like an itch you can't reach. All her sensors blended as the temperature started to rise, the climax of distractions imminent, concentration falling rapidly and… It's there! Above her!

She pushed the burning wood through the demon's chest as it was falling onto her and jumped to the side so it would end it's flight on the ground next to her feet, rather than her. She watched her squirm in agony and reach out for her, blood dripping off her claws and pain exploding in her eyes while all of her muscles twitched, convulsed and cramped uncontrollably. She, for the figure seemed feminine, had something deep behind those red eyes – she was trying to say something but she couldn't because of her demonic disfigurations. What was it? ''Thank you''? ''Kill''? ''Save me''? Whatever it was, it was quickly extinguished by the fire and a mist of lost souls streamed between the hay straws, like a slow fog early in the morning.

Sera was panting, happy to finally be able to catch some breath, when there was another crackling. She didn't think, no time for that, instead she spun her spear, it's tip still glowing red with heat, crouched and pushed it behind her in a half-spin. She felt something soft being stabbed through and when she looked behind her eyes suddenly widened and her pupils shrunk, and in that moment she could feel her heartbeat drumming in her head… Thum thum… The front of the light blue skirt got quickly soaked with blood, light red in color. Thum thum… The little girl didn't let a sound. Thum thum… Sera's soul, heart and conscience sank to her stomach as she backed away from the spear and the poor victim…

Thum thum.

What have I done?! I killed the girl! She looked at the bunker and saw a woman lying there in her own blood. The demons killed her mother… The woman's scream, I heard it but didn't realize… There was a trail of twigs, hay and every other kind of rubbish you could find in a barn laying on the ground. She tried to wake her mum… she was so scared… She took a few more steps back and she soon backed to a barn column, treading a thin border where guilt and depression meet. Both of those things were too strong to prevail, so she started crying bitterly. She had to sit down, and she covered her face with her hands as she whimpered faintly.

''I killed her… I killed the poor child… She was just looking for protection so she ran towards me. And I killed her…''

Something flew through the barn doors, breaking them into a thousand pieces, and it fell on the ground and continued to slide for a few more yards. Sera looked up but it was all a blur, watching through her tears. There were two figures, one lying on the ground, defeated and crushed and a fuzzy, intimidating and scary shape standing at the place where the barn doors were.

===//\\===
===\\//===

Attaris walked in, breathing slowly and deeply, feeling a bit faint from using a power that he recently divulged. The barn was burning, the smoke hovered about nine feet from the ground, and it appeared like it didn't have anywhere to go. Att saw Ori clearly though, and concluded that the crash must've knocked her out… but there were another two corpses in the barn. He dashed to the one that was lying near the center of the floor, the one in the light blue dress. He was shocked, speechless and on the edge of raging madness as he moved the hair from the girl's face to reveal her pale skin, whose only color came from the yellow-reddish glow of the flames around the barn walls. There was the woman that held her hand in the yard as well, killed in the same way as The Chief was, but what shocked him the most was the round hole in the child's chest and the bloody spear that was lying on the ground in the dirt and hay. He couldn't believe it… It was Sera's spear, he saw her come into the barn... Suddenly he heard her cry in the corner of the barn, sitting against a column.

''I didn't mean to… she came behind me… I thought it was one of the ghouls…''

Attaris turned his head to see Sera crying a river of diamond-shining tears, being eaten by her own guilt and conscience. He felt a tear freezing on his cheek as he walked furiously towards her, then grabbed her neck and lifted her a whole foot off the ground. His voice was turning deeper now, echoing and beating the eardrums and making you think that he was talking from the bottom of a well… or a river. His wings flapped now and then, crystal clear, and he emanated vapor at an accelerated rate, freezing the ground around him which slowly flown over the corpses, freezing them to the bone, and ascending up the walls until the whole barn morphed from a hellhole to a deep freezer. The whole of the room was so imbued with ice one would think the time stopped for it, corpses eternally preserved and the barn half-burned, but still adamant under the coat of ice.

But Att's mind wasn't as still as the room they were in. He yelled at her for being a murderer, as if she wasn't punishing herself enough, while the ice slowly fluxed through his arm and reached his fingertips, hurting Sera with the sudden cold and making the icy mist flow between his and her skin. He was almost completely out of her mind, his vision now tunneling and slowly devouring his ratio, his sanity.

''YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE CAREFUL YOU RECKLESS, MURDEROUS LITTLE…! BAH! I SHOULD TAKE YOUR LIFE, SINCE YOU WERE FREE TO TAKE THE LIFE OF ANOTHER SO EASILY AND CARELESSLY!''

Sera gasped breathlessly, reaching out for him, trying to get some air. He was pressing too hard, and the icy cold touch of his hand hurt her badly, almost as bad as the feeling of her own guilt. She couldn't believe he went insane as well, it was bad enough that she was on the brink of madness herself and now he as well – the gentle one, the one who stood on the walls, on the first line of assault, for all the people that were hiding in the shelters now. But that is why she understood him completely. What was this dreadful world? She killed someone, and now he would kill as well. She felt the power inside him growing with his every fury-filled word, but she also felt that there was a struggle inside him. The powers that had taken his sanity struggled to dominate, as his mind was a strong one, and she felt it clearly. She tried to reach to him one last time before losing breath…

''I… (crackle)… didn't mean… I'm… sor…''

She looked in his eyes to see if there was any chance of him still being sane and able to stop this madness. And then she wondered if she even wanted to stop him. She killed an innocent, a child for that matter, and she didn't deserve to live anymore.

Attaris suddenly snapped, looked in her eyes blankly and then opened his mouth lightly, as if to moan. His icy eyes slowly turned normal again, going from the solid, deep blue color to a normal, human blue again. The ice on his face gently pulled back and his skin soon returned to it's normal pale white in place of the previous blue. The dark and sinister tone of his voice also faded away as he whispered to her, looking at himself in wonder.

''NO! What am I do...''

He quickly let her go before staggering back. She finally took a long-awaited deep breath and then panted, clasping and rubbing her neck because of the pain that was only worsened by the coughing while watching Att scream and squirm as his icy armor and wings pulled back into him until he fell down on the ground in his normal form and body, unconscious. She timidly approached him and ran her fingers through his pitch black hair, wiping her tears.

''You had every right to kill me but… damn you… Why do you tend to see good where nobody is looking? You are either a very good man or an idiot.''

There was no response from him, only the sound of his faint breathing reached her ears. She turned him on his back and suddenly one of the columns on the far end of the barn fell in.

''Let's get out of this shithole…''

She grabbed him under his arms and pulled him out the barn when Malachi and Requiel saw her. Req ran to her and checked Att's pulse, after which she let out a deep sigh.

''I saw the civilians running out, they got to the shelters safely. Seems like Att went through hell, he and Ori got into a huge fight.'' She pointed at the half-ruined walls and the stones and boulders that were lying around in pools of mud, the area around them looked almost as bad as the part beyond the gates, which held corpses of demons and fallen comrades. ''Speaking of which, one of the people that ran out of the barn told me you've got into a fight of your own. How did that end?''

''There were just two… things… like the one that killed Chief. I managed to burn them… but the barn also caught fire.''

''I see…''

Mal looked through the hole where the barn gates were and saw Orifiel's petite body lying on the ground. ''That bitch sure made one hell of a mess. I'm glad Att got her.'' Sera wasn't too happy with the tone of his voice, though she was glad he didn't see the dead mother or the child she accidentally killed. ''She… she isn't dead, just unconscious. We should get her out before the barn collapses.''

Mal looked up at the barn again, as if he was evaluating the situation. ''Nah.'' He holstered his sword and brushed away some dirt off his chainmail. ''If it were me I'd burn the witch. She killed many of our own and she's only a nuisance. I'm sure glad I didn't use my powers. Wouldn't want to end like that nutcase.''

Sera didn't know what to say. She knew that Mal had a point there, but she also killed one human with heat and steel today, and she couldn't afford to let another die in the cold. She leaned Attaris against the wall of a nearby building that was half-destroyed, and then ran into the barn with Req to bring Orifiel out. Malachi just shook his head and took a deep sigh, then crouched in front of unconscious Attaris. His eyes turned gray for a moment, then turned back to normal.

''Hmm…'' He frowned slightly, then tilted his head and decided to sit next to Att.

''You really are one strange kid. I'd kill the witch the moment she started turning nuts, but you held back the whole time.'' He looked at him and chuckled. ''But don't worry, I'll figure you out one day. ''

He sighed and turned his head to see the two girls that carried the unconscious and human-shaped Orifiel towards him.

===//\\===
===\\//===

It was pretty strange for Cassiel, the fortress, the situation and everything else, from people to clothes. Something felt terribly wrong, awkward, artificial. Plus, he was also acting strangely - first he was in such a bloodlust he thought he'd never get out of it, and now he was perfectly calm, dashing up the stairs of an old dusty tower, and the tower sergeant didn't even tell him why. ''You'll see'' was the only answer he received. Finally they got to a small wooden door with some support panels made of iron. The tower sergeant knocked on the door, then immediately opened them and rushed in.

''Kalamar you old trout, there's a major crisis out there! Stop fooling around and give me something I can use against the remaining abominations, or at least something to help my men kill the bastards!''

Cass followed him warily and entered what seemed like an old alchemical laboratory. Bottles, vials, stalls with burners and all sorts of pouches and jars with plants, animals and… well it seemed like human organs to Cassiel. There was a very, very old, fat wizard moving around a desk and working, actually switching between different sets of chemicals without any logical relation. The mage was dressed in a wide, dark red robes (which were obviously as young as the wizard himself) and wore a small pointy hat which looked quite ridiculous on the meaty mage.

''Quit yer yappin' bro! I've got the stuff right here, and I can tell ya, it's a BLAST!''

He grabbed a pouch from the top shelf, behind some old leather books and sturdy metal vials, opened it and spread some white powder on the table. He then quickly grabbed a straw and took some of that powder in his nose with a quick sniff.

''Whoa! I took the wrong pouch… but… Daaaamn this shit is good… You should try some, it'll relax you…''

The tower sergeant slapped the mage behind the back of his head.

''Stop fooling around you idiot! I'm not going to beat a legion of demons by getting them high on your stuff! Now what's with the Fireflies?''

''Y'know, I've been in this business for a long time, and I didn't get any dough for, what, 6 months? I'm doing no charity work here bro, a mage's got to make a livin'! I can't work on all the potions and stuff while I'm stressed, and guess what, I'm freakin' stressed because I'm broke! That's right! I can't even buy my herbs on the market anymore, I have to send my apprentices to pick flowers and plants for me instead! Most of the time the two good-for-nothings just go pick some 'shrooms and get high. Damn, even if I had money, we have no market anymore! If you could just let me work in peace for…''

The tower sergeant rolled his eyes and slammed on the table with his fist.

''Just… give me… the damned… FIREFLIES!''

The wizard's eyes widened.

''Well alright, alright… t'is cool… no need to get angry at the poor old Kalamar…''

He rubbed his gray beard that grew on his fat chin to clean the unidentified white powder, straightened up his robes and then waddled up to the cupboard that was resting next to a window. He shuffled around his pockets until he found a small key which he used to open the cupboard, and then picked up a small box with extreme care, as if holding an infant, small and fretful.

''Listen serge'nt, these babies are really dangerous, and by that I mean deadly. The name 'Flies I've given 'em is just a name, they don't use fire or explosive stuff to kill, and they sure ain't flies! They are actually a modified form of…''

''I don't care, you old geezer. Just tell me how to use the stuff and I'll be on my way!''

Cassiel skimmed his eyes over the various objects in the room, from old books and ingredients to living animals in cages and boxes, but what really bothered him was the feeling of being alive he got when he entered the room. It wasn't for the fumes, nor it was the stale air, but it was as if he was dreamy, and now he was one step closer to completely waking up. At one moment he saw a door, which disappeared after a moment. Startled by the discovery he approached the wall where he saw the door. Solid stone. Nothing out of the ordinary. He pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming, but it was useless. Suddenly the door appeared again, but now it was visible for a few seconds more.

''Interesting… Can't say why, but I want to open this door… Something tells me this isn't JUST a door… But should I open it? Hmmm… Who knows what's behind it...''


DP - WHAT IS BEYOND THE MYSTERIOUS DOOR? Feel free to set your imagination loose. Very Happy

Sorry for the rush, the bell rang XD
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:33 pm; edited 8 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
The Meaning Of Fear
Respected Citizen



Joined: 06 May 2006

Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 1:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I kinda noticed the rushedness too. Quite interesting a chapter, but you'll need to go over it to fix some things.

In the second last paragraph, you have it starting in first person then switching to third. Might want to have a look at that.

The strange door seems really suspicious to me. I think he'll have to investigate.
_________________
Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.

Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
DeadManWalking
Duke of the Mostly Dead



Joined: 24 May 2006

Posts: 1005


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 5:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rule #58 of all videogames/stories.

If there is a door/button/lever/ladder/valve, always open/push/pull/climb/turn it.

This is a rule that can be applied to real life as well.
_________________
When the dead walk, the living run.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
The Meaning Of Fear
Respected Citizen



Joined: 06 May 2006

Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Isn't that rule #54, DMW? (Master's Challenge, hooray! Laughing )

I got you another suggestion too. He should go and get a couple of those fireflies, whatever they are, and THEN com back.
_________________
Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.

Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, sorry about the door, I kinda missed it while translating. Smile

The DP is: What is beyond the door?
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
The Meaning Of Fear
Respected Citizen



Joined: 06 May 2006

Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 12:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I say the angel who they first met after signing the contract (can't remember his name) is behind there, doing something sneaky!
_________________
Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.

Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2008 11:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Happy New Year in advance, since I'll be away and unable to commune with you lol. BTW, if anyone has a suggestion, please DO COMMENT. It took me a while to post the chappy. Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
DeadManWalking
Duke of the Mostly Dead



Joined: 24 May 2006

Posts: 1005


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hmmm...

What is behind the door? Well we don't know enough about the world to really put interesting things in there...

I say it's a doorway to a secret supply room, in which the wizard (or maybe the wizard's now-deceased, much more powerful mentor) keeps all his dastardly evil wizarding equipment. But of course, they've been gathering dust for a while. The wizard senses Cassiel's opening of the door, and stops him from entering, but not before something rolls out.

Either it tries to destroy the world, or it's a ring or a stone or something that Cassiel picks up, or both.
_________________
When the dead walk, the living run.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
vgmaster
Resident



Joined: 18 Oct 2008

Posts: 68
Location: The City of Angels

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I say that behind the door is a completely white room, where they should proceed to practice using their powers.
_________________
"Haikus are easy,
But sometimes they don't make sense,
Refrigerator."
-TheLifeofaBinder
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
tramp in a storm
Honored Citizen



Joined: 11 Apr 2005

Posts: 1585
Location: You never know...I could be in YOUR dust bin.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excelent chappy, Cyb! Loving the mage!
While I was reading it I thought that the door was connected to his feeling of being alive... maybe it's the door to the real world.

_________________
Did you know: If you plug speakers into your ears, your thoughts will be heard out loud Smile



Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I've closed the last poll! Thank you for voting, everyone! Very Happy Here are the results of that last one.

The easy question... or is it? Should he use his powers or not?

Use them! Give us the upper hand in the battle and make a finishing counter-attack! [ 3 ]
Don't use them, the risk is too great, you might even attack your own,,,
[ 3 ]
Try to use powers without saying the name, maybe you can only partially use them?
[ 0 ]
AUTHOR ONLY OPTION!
[ 1 ]

Total Votes : 7
Who Voted: Cyberworm, Lilith, Phantomfan, Sabriel, shy_blu_eyes, tramp in a storm, zahark


Now's the time to decide what is beyond the door! The second poll is up so vote! 14 days and counting! Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Lilith
Honored Citizen



Joined: 10 Feb 2007

Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 2:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Voted, troublemaker.
_________________

© 2007-2019 Lilith
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, seems that the polling is done, and I shall be writing the next chapter pronto. As soon as school settles down, which is about Wendsday... Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Emperor
Citizen



Joined: 02 Nov 2004

Posts: 471
Location: San Diego, CA

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 8:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey cyberworm,

Just wanted you to know that I popped in to read your story. There is some excellent writing and ideas in here, I hope you keep at it.
_________________
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Tatkret Sos
Resident



Joined: 10 Nov 2009

Posts: 74
Location: UK

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow Cy this is Amazing!
I told you I would read it! I actually finished it yesterday but didnt get round to telling you how good it was Clapping
Is it unfinished??? Im guessing yes.
I think you should write the rest because its really good material. Umm... What could happen next?
Tell us more about Orifiels wierd mad outbreak, Malachi went a bit wierd towards the end too. I wonder what everyone elses magic powers are! Roll
Also, the title is really making sense now! Duel
I loved it, its one of the best I've read so far on IF and I really hope you could finish it soon!
Poke


Last edited by Tatkret Sos on Sun Dec 06, 2009 11:08 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Tikanni Corazon
Honored Citizen



Joined: 25 Oct 2009

Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Cy!
I read this on a recommedation from Tats, who said that she loved it. Seeing as she's not all that fond of reading, I thought that it must be good. Smile
The whole idea of the story is brilliant Cy. Your writing style, though it needs slight.....tweaking, is very descriptive, almost poetic in places, giving the reader a full picture of what they are reading about. The characters are described well, and I love the development of them through the four chapters. I started out liking certain ones, then by the end of the fourth chapter, I had completely changed my mind, and liked others instead. Hope you decide to do another chapter soon. Wink

_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887




Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Sun Nov 22, 2009 12:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
tramp in a storm
Honored Citizen



Joined: 11 Apr 2005

Posts: 1585
Location: You never know...I could be in YOUR dust bin.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 3:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow this is my first post in ages! lol When do we get a new chapter? Very Happy
_________________
Did you know: If you plug speakers into your ears, your thoughts will be heard out loud Smile



Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, after a long hiatus I'm back in business! First, to post the results of the poll:

Raphael (the archangel), doing something sneaky. 16% [ 1 ]
A secret supply room, Cassiel finds something very interesting and powerful in there. 16% [ 1 ]
A completely white room, for practicing the usage their powers. 0% [ 0 ]
The real world, from which they came to become angels. 50% [ 3 ]
AUTHOR ONLY OPTION! KEEP YOUR POINTER OFF! 16% [ 1 ]

Next, I'm going to double-post and immediately post the next chapter in it! So read up and comment! Feedback keeps the stories going, and I'm planning to make it go for quite a while!
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 3:18 am    Post subject: Ch5 - ''Illusions'' Reply with quote

Caution, a few harsh words, don't read if very easily offended.

Ch -5- ''Illusions''

Cassiel felt a slight, cold breeze caress the drops of sweat that were flowing through the pores of his skin. His temptation battled with his wish to just leave the door alone, for whatever was behind it surely wasn't this… good? Yes, he felt the bloodlust lurking inside him, locked away and on the edge of bursting, like it was through the last and the only two days he remembered. Somehow he knew that behind the door there was something odd, all too familiar and dull, the kind of thing that filled him with anger and rebellious thoughts.

But what was behind the door? He searched for the handle, but there was none. He decided to push them open and enter whatever was beyond…

''CASSIEL, NO!''

The Tower Sergeant's voice echoed, lost in the haze in which bright light and total darkness mixed and twirled. The door was opened.


= = // \\ = =
= = \\ // = =

The cohesion of the world vanished. Quickly, the walls fell apart into building blocks, the vials, cruets and the bottles cracked one inch at a time and then the piece of it got vaporized.

The wizard and the Tower Sergeant said nothing. They couldn't. It was like time itself stopped in that moment, and the only thing that went on was destruction, disintegration of the world and the mind. And soon the floor around the wizard and the sergeant vanished, and it started slowly eating them as well, right down to their bones, which were the hardest to dissolve. One would think that this whole decomposition went for a while, but it all happened wthin seconds and only one person saw everything and lived through that.

Cassiel was shocked because he never saw anything like it, and his very bones were shaking in fright of what might happen next. As he was waiting, every milisecond feelt like minutes, hours, rising his adrenaline with the thought that he might be trapped forever in this blackness... And that would make him lose his mind, he would rather kill himself.

Fortunately, and to his relief too, a lightning fast shock zapped through his body almost tearing him apart with mental pain, and the blackness around him was no more. He was somewhere strange, familiar but atrocious, and both feelings of safety and being sick of the world along with the wish for things to be different and more exciting...

Was it home?

To him it surely felt like it.

Streets? What's that metal thing? Everything is grey, and yet there are spots of bright colour... Signs with shining letters, looking funny... He was beginning to think everything was apsurd here. The images and his surroundings never stopped shifting, from women in different clothing, from houses to roads, concrete jungles, people lying on the ground and through their teeth, biggotry, shame...

He was running down the street, still dizzy and hurting, evading people while stumbling left and right. He hit some men, women, but they just swept him away with a harsh glance and didn't care. He hit something shiny and see-through, something hard, it was gl... gl... he couldn't remember, but whatever it was it was only for so long because in a few seconds it became a thousand flying shards. It was as broken as his sight and mind, and there were dozens of red and blue lights there in a matter of seconds. Men in blue, with funny blue hats with something shiny. Hypocrites... How were they called? He fought them, they flew away like feathers. Everything flew away like feathers!

Again he was in total blackness, his mind itched and burned him like a steel sponge rubbing the area behind his eyes vigorously and as it brushed him faces flashed abruptly in front of him; men, women, some familiar, some unfamiliar, and some he wished weren't familiar, he was on the brink of life, on the razor's edge for something both wanted and despised by him... He was on the verge of memories...

NO! Nothing! There was a white wall in front of him with some insignia on it, some to him unreadable, foreign inscription surrounding it.

"Hello?!"

Echo... nothing more. His mind echoed in chorus with his voice, and he didn't discern between what he was saying, and which of it he was thinking. Blasting headache, dizzying him, he was unsure on his feet, if he had any at this point. He couldn't see himself, everything around the white wall was as white as snow and come to think of it, it was getting rather cold in there, in those vast spaces of whatever.

One part of the vastness went slowly to gray, and even moreso at one specific part in which he felt a presence. There were some mixed feelings about it, he didn't know what to make of it.

"You know you're not just an angel."

"You know how to be a pain in the ass."

"Now now, is that the kind of think you'd say to the only person you see in this blankness?"

Cassiel stopped in his tracks, thinking about his responce. It was perfectly fine, why would this wimpy voiced man mess with his head? Pfft.

"The only thing I want to say is: If you can't help me, get lost."

"Then I surely must stay, because I'm the only person in here (giggle) that can help you."

Cassiel didn't see anyone that, and that is what made him angry. How would he be able to trust someone he doesn't see? And how would he know who was it?

"Just show yourself already, you're making me mad!"

"Such simple words. But then again you are a simple man."

A tall, slender man appeared in the middle of the gray, dressed in a gray-ish tunic with sandals. Cassiel went towards him and kicked him but where was his leg? His leg wasn't there and it was all a mist, literally! It was only now he saw it because now he had a gray background to see it against.

"Bloody hell!"

"Oh, watch your language, you almost ended up there."

"What was that?! I almost ended up there? I'll send you crying there as soon as I find my body! One arm will be enough!"

"Poor Cassiel... Listen, why don't we just relax?"

The slick, shadowy man snapped his fingers, and suddenly everything... integrated! As everything dissapeared, so it reappeared in a matter of seconds! Cassiel head wasn't hurting so much, his sickness vanished, and all of a sudden he felt good.

They were in the room that he disappeared from, in his full form, gliding through the stale air. The tower sergeant and the mage were still there in their heated argument, frozen in time.

"How did you do all this? Are you God?"

The man chuckled. "No." he said, "God is not here. Nobody ever saw Him."

"Aha! So God is a male? I knew it! Someone tried to convince me he was a woman. Wait, he is not here?"

"Uhm... No. He has no gender. It is just that any language is too limited to name Him correctly. So, in the patriarchal society it is only beneficial for the ruler to assume and present God as a male. And yes, whatever anyone says, nobody ever saw him."

"Big words, pretty boy. I'm a believer, but it's stupid to say God isn't here."

Cassiel started panting, the air was heavy, almost unbreathable.

"Oh, I see you're having difficulty breathing."

The man snapped his fingers again and the air continued moving, so it became lighter and almost tasty to Cassiel, seeing how he couldn't breathe earlier.

"So, let's see this... You're up to be an angel for the Higher Power, you're to be a perfect example of good, and you are currently far from it! You're reckless, arrogant, selfish, and one would think that you're also mentally challenged."

Cassiel was almost up for killing the man... No, he was completely up for it. He rushed and tried to punch him, but the man just raised his arm and Cassiel stopped on the spot, his arm still hanging half-swung.

"Now, for a lesson. You see, this is not real. This is all in your head. In your heads, to be more precise. I am the one generating everything here, and that is why I can control it. That's why you flattered me by calling me God."

Cassiel just looked at him, barely breathing and unable to even blink.

"I am Lucifer, and as the Enlightener, I'm here to enlighten you just a bit. You see, these chaps here are now testing you. They put you all up for a trial, a simulation if you will, to see if you're good enough to work in a team and to see if they can use you."

He walked down the room and went to pat the tower sergeant on the shoulder, but he refrained from it.

"You know" he looked at Cassiel, "they are not so bad, just misinformed and unable to think. But I believe I can turn you into a thinker, a real person, an individual. Unlike them."

He went to Cassiel and pat him on the shoulder, and Cass finished the swing and hit Lucifer with an added force after he was unfrozen.

"You are one weird son of a..."

"And you are obviously a bad choice."

Another snap of his fingers and his bruised cheek was back to normal. He rushed over to the other two men in the room, the mage, with a puzzled look on his face, and the tower sergeant pointing at the wall to the spot where the door were, with an expression of rage. He shook his head and touched them both, and they came back to life.

"OOOO!"

"OOOO to you too, Remiel."

The tower Sergeant, whose real name was obviously Remiel, looked around in confusion and then turned his sight from Lucifer to the mage and to Cassiel.

"You IDIOT! What've you done?! Are you insane?! You compromised the whole project!"

He grabbed Lucifer for his tunic and got into his face, his strong beard shaking in rage.

"If you do this to any other of our plans, I'll personally punish you so hard you'll be very, very sorry you ever messed with me. And you! (turning to Cassiel), you are such an incompetent buffoon! You..."

"My dear Remiel, my humble powers are not as strong as you might think, and following the seven of them is an impossible task to do for such a long time, not to mention creating this world at the same time. It wasn't our fault the door appeared and he went right through it!"

"What the hell, there are only six of us!"

Lucifer and Remiel glanced at Cassiel after he shouted, and then the strong-bearded mountain of a man answered.

"Yes, there are, and this idiot is so weak he can't even think straight."

Cassiel was about to say something, unsure of how he would formulate his question, and then the mage entered the conversation, saying with a high-pitched, woman's voice.

"Okay, this masquerade is over."

The mage took his... no, her hat off, the beard, the mage's robe and slippers and there stood a female of great beauty, as she appeared when she smudged off her makeup.

"Lucifer, call off the whole thing. We will call a Council meeting immediately to determine the verdicts for all of them."

Lucifer stumbled a bit and stuttered, and finally spoke.

"W... we surely aren't done with them yet! We haven't seen the extent of..."

"Silence, you idiot!"

Remiel raised a hand to hit him, and as soon as he did, Lucifer defensively raised his arms and hunched.

"We shall do it now, no delay."

Cassiel didn't understand any of this, they were fighting over them? Over the illusion of the world? It made his head hurt, so much that he held his head in his arms and grunted heavily. The last thing he heard was a finger snap, and then darkness. Again.

==//\\==
==\\//==

It was dark, very dry and almost squeaky clean, you could actually feel the pureness of surface under your skin, feel every inch of your hot breath mixing with the light air in the remainder of the room. There were six persons in the room, and as they woke up one by one they instantly knew who the other five persons beside them were.

"Heads are gonna roll for this..."

Cassiel rolled on his back all in pain, including his hurting head which pulsed and thrusted it's signals to every fiber of his body... Hurt... Hurt...

"I found it quite fun, really."

"I thought you were a nutcase from the start, Mal."

"Pfft."

Requiel stroked her dark colored hair and looked down onto him, with a smirk on her face as always. She looked around, and she saw almost nothing, no walls, just darkness, no light sources, just a faint glow from the top of the room. There was what seemed like a orange orb of light with beautiful lines, half-circles and all kinds of amorphic etherial shapes flowing through it and around it's edges like filaments of love brushing against the air that touched it's surface, but you couldn't call it a light source seeing as it was just floating up there.

But even so, Requiel was almost moved by the sight. But then there was a noise that got eveyone's attention.



____________________



The DP: WHAT IS THE NOISE, OR WHAT DOES THE NOISE REPRESENT?

Come one people, your call! Very Happy

_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:39 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Tatkret Sos
Resident



Joined: 10 Nov 2009

Posts: 74
Location: UK

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 7:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh Yay! I love this story game and you've finally put up another chapter. Smile
As always brilliant Cy and I hope you keep up with it now Smile
Sorry currently no ideas but I will give it some thought and get back to you!
Just wanted to say how excited I was about a new chapter Bigg

Poke
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Thunderbird
Elder



Joined: 13 Sep 2009

Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 8:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Workin' on catchin up here... gimme a bit.
_________________

CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Ingrothechundyer
Royal Arch-Mage



Joined: 22 Aug 2010

Posts: 484
Location: Wandering the streets of IF since 10/21/2005

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 8:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I'm finally caught up.

It was a great read and I'm glad I put the time into catching up.

As to the sound...

Hmm... Possibly it is whatever erased their memories the first time coming back for a second round in order to allow the test to be redone?
_________________
My account may have been deleted but my completed SG is still there...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 9:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you very much for reading it! Very Happy I'll post a synopsis later today so that you get a clearer picture of what happened so far. Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 5:41 am    Post subject: Synopsis - All to Ch -5- Reply with quote

Now, since some people have told me that my story is complicated and six characters are quite a bunch, I was asked to do a synopsis!

Here it is then, and I will try to make it as comprehensive as possible.

One more thing; This synopsis is detailed and short enough to be read and be fully capable of posting a DP after it, so the readers who never got to read the SG before can simply read the synopsis and participate in the SG as they normally would! This means that they could skip reading the chapters and still participate in the SG!

(Though I suggest reading the chapters, there is so much more depth in them. Smile )

The Prologue:

Father Deveraux, an old, barely on his feet priest is warned that what they have been waiting has finally come, so he grabs his old gear and the one box which others seemingly know little about. They went through old church corridors and into an ancient room with a small shrine other members of the church and a member of the First Order filled him in on the situation and just as he did, a large glowing ball appeared on the ziggurat in the middle of the room. And they prepare for battle.

Chapter 1: "What the?"

We observe a circular room in which there are seven people sitting around a semi-circular table. The one sitting at the straight part of the half-circle introduces himself, again aparrently, to the six sitting on the other side of the table. He lays out an overview of an apparent contract they signed after their deaths, and congratulating them on becoming angels... Which they still can't fully grasp. The six of them are given new names, to replace the old ones they are never to remember again.

    Cassiel, who reigns over fire and fiery tempers.

    Requiel, who reigns over the Moon.

    Malachi, who spreads the truth and enlightens.

    Seraphine, one of the Seraphs and guardian of the air.

    Attaris, whose ally is winter and whose guide is the cold.

    Orifiel, who guards forests and forest life.


And after Raphael disappears, they find a way out of the room...

Chapter 2: "A Strange New World"

After a long while of passing through some kind of a tunnel, they finally find the exit to see that they are now in a seemingly different world, full of lush green forests and peace. They hear a gunshot, and as they explore it they find two adolescents, Horace and Fins, who apparently know their names, and more interestingly, who appear to know them. They explain that they are collecting stuff for Kalamar, their mage, and that the Chief wants their report as soon as possible, and they mention the demons attacking the fort.

They acted along, and decided to go to the fort immediately, and when they arrive they see it to be worn out by battles, as it appeared on the side where the walls were completely collapsed. They walk through the fort to see that there are a lot of civillians, and not as much soldiers as there should be. When they arrived to the center of the fort, a squire approached them and led them to the Strategy room, where they divide in pairs as to be stealthy, unsure who they are to meet in the room.

And then they were asked for the news from the scouting party...

Chapter 3: "The Bloody Legion"

Something clashes onto the Chief from the shadows, and quickly disappears. Seconds later they hear someone shouting that the "Legion" has attacked. The gate sergeant commands the other, tower sergeant, to lead all six of them and gear them up. Our stealthy crew is surprised by the fact that they didn't evade his attention, but still they follow the sergeant to gear up.

On the way Attaris cannot shake the feeling that he met the gates sergeant before. They all gear up with the weapons available, and move to the positions. Malachi went to the gates to defend the inner area of the fort, and Attaris climbed the walls to defend the perimeter with the archers, along with Orifiel. The rest of them went to defend the fallen eastern wall.

The defense held for a while, the fall delayed by Attaris' and other archers' skills, but they got breached in the end, and after a fierce battle at the front gates against a huge Minotaur-like ram beast in which Malachi went victorious the rest of the crew returned to the center of the fort as their own (for some like Cassiel bloodlusty) battle at the eastern gates was won.

Now it was time for the second part of the plan... The tower sergeant told Cassiel to follow him, Requiel to help guard the walls and the inner side of the gates, and Seraphine to guard the barn that housed the civillians. As Sera enters the barn the creature that killed Chief executes it's hidden attacks on the people in the barn and Sera herself.

Orifiel started behaving strangely on the walls, and Attaris was growing weary of her behaviour, and with a good reason. She became mad, a totally different person. She exhibited powers that left all who saw them utterly shocked, and Attaris didn't know whether to use his own powers to stop her or not, because she was no longer a threat to the demons alone, but to their own troops.


Chapter 4: "Imbued With Ice"


This chapter is divided in two points of view that mix, so I will put them in one piece for easier comprehension.

Seraphine:

Sera had enough of evading, and she was now ready to attack the creature. Creatures, actually, because there were two of them in the barn. She threw her javelin through one but it passed right through it, and so she found that they are vulnerable to fire/light and she decided to exploit that. She hit the lamp somewhere at the top of the barn so it set the complete building on fire. That's when the people rushed out, apparently scared of fire more than they were scared of the beasts. She used a burning javelin to pierce a beast and burn it dead, and the second one met it's end similarly by impaling itself on a piece of burning wood Sera pointed at it while dodging it's attack. Unfortunately, winded and disoriented, and in fear of those creatures she mistakened some sounds behind her for a creature and she rushed a heated spear right through a little girl she saw in the fort earlier that day. The poor girl obviously ran to her for protection because her mother was killed by the creatures.

Attaris:

He had no choice but to use his powers, and to fight Orifiel to get her to stop killing everything she saw. She also has something peculiar about her, like she did not used her name to activate her powers, and she was so deceitful and sneaky he was unable to link her with her past self. He was tempted by the power himself, but he didn't go further than pummeling Orifiel into submission. He threw her through the doors of the barn in which Seraphine was and saw the dead creatures ashes, Orifiel laying in the middle of the barn and Sera sitting near a barn pole, crying and saying she didn't know. In a fit of rage he almost choked her by using his ice powers, but before he did he came to his senses and passed out. Sera thanks him and carries him out.

Common POV:

Req and Mal come to the barn, summarizing their experiences, and even though Mal insisted on leaving Ori in the barn to burn "like a witch she is", Requiel got her out and they put Ori and Att against the stable wall of the barn. Here Mal crouches near Att, telling him he's got his silver eyes on him.

Cassiel:


The tower sergeant brings Cassiel to the mage's tower, where Kalamar the Mage has been working on something called "Fireflies". Uninterested in the matter, Cassiel notices a disappearing door.

Chapter 5: "Illusions"

Cassiel opens the door and everything falls to pieces and disappears to make room for white nothingness. A white wall with a strange unreadable and unrecognizable insignia appears, and after that a part of the nothingness becomes dim, gray, and from it a person emerges. That strange person tells him confusing lines about God and the six of them overall, but nothing revealing. It would seem that The person was trying to "enlighten" him. Then he presented himself as Lucifer, the Enlightener as he made the previous mage's tower reappear and form, along with the tower sergeant and the mage.

He then went on to say that angels are too uptight to be effective or even free, and that Cassiel should work with him, which Cassiel refuses to, obviously and physically. Lucifer then gets mad, and unfreezes the tower sergeant and the mage, who reveal themselves to be masquerading as such, and are really Remiel as the sergeant and an unknown beautiful woman posing as a male mage. They say that they're pulling the plug on the whole operation since it has been compromised and Cassiel blacks out.

When Cassiel came to his senses, he found himself, with the other five "angels", in a dark room illuminated by a strange and beautiful orb of light. All six of them eventually regain their consciousness and observe their surrounding, and not long after they were all aware of themselves and others a strange sound starts to fill their ears and the room.

______________________________________________

Now, let me remind you that you can also describe the sound itself and leave the rest to me. Very Happy You can say the sound is a buzz or a screech or a scream or a sound of something dragging itself on the floor. Anything!

How do you like the story so far? Wink
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
tramp in a storm
Honored Citizen



Joined: 11 Apr 2005

Posts: 1585
Location: You never know...I could be in YOUR dust bin.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 3:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wooo! Chappy! I read the catchup before the chapter and nearly read too far :p
Brilliant! Very Happy maybe its a song of some sort? It could be coming from the pretty light Smile

_________________
Did you know: If you plug speakers into your ears, your thoughts will be heard out loud Smile



Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian



Joined: 12 Dec 2006

Posts: 3998


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 1:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay I am now officially caught up! It's a complex tale, and it is becoming clear to them that being an angel is not all it seems to be.

I'm going to say that it is the noise of a heart beat, and it is coming out of the walls.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Vishal Muralidharan
Respected Citizen



Joined: 24 Aug 2010

Posts: 867
Location: City Of IF!

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A.W.E.S.U.M!!!!!!!!!
_________________




The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger
Author
Thunderbird
Elder



Joined: 13 Sep 2009

Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Oct 05, 2010 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, caught up finally! Very Happy

So, I admit to a lot of places where I got lost trying to understand what was going on... particularly where dialogue is unclaimed and not knowing whom is speaking.

Other than that, the message seems to be getting across. And I'm interested to see where you're going with this.

The noise? How about a horrible wailing scream? The poll for this should be interesting.
_________________

CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In three days I'll put up a poll, so get some last-minute ideas in! Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right, the poll is set, the counter is on 10 days and counting, all of you get your votes in and may the most interesting and best option WIN! Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Ingrothechundyer
Royal Arch-Mage



Joined: 22 Aug 2010

Posts: 484
Location: Wandering the streets of IF since 10/21/2005

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the blend of horrors idea.

It may be just me but I can't quite figure out what the last option is Sad
_________________
My account may have been deleted but my completed SG is still there...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A typing error, should say "souls". Basically, they would be covered in utter bliss. Again, for no obvious reason. Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian



Joined: 12 Dec 2006

Posts: 3998


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooooh, I like the first option, very very much. Not just because it's scary, but because I think reintroducing a theme from earlier on is a good idea.

*voted* Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for the vote, CF, I'm also interested in how this poll will turn out and that option is definitely a good one! Very Happy

Btw, I won't be online much today, it's my B-day! Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian



Joined: 12 Dec 2006

Posts: 3998


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 4:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Many happy returns!

Cheers
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Tikanni Corazon
Honored Citizen



Joined: 25 Oct 2009

Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Voted!

And Happy Birthday Cy!
Very Happy
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 12:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Closing the poll today! Very Happy Last minute voters, go! Wink
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 5:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The results of the poll are as follows:

What is the mysterious sound?

The thing that erased their memories the first time.
16% [ 1 ]
A pretty song coming out of the shifting light.
0% [ 0 ]
A strong sound of heartbeat emanating from the walls.
50% [ 3 ]
A horrible wailing scream, source of it yet unknown.
0% [ 0 ]
A blend of horrors of the 1st, 3rd and 4th option.
16% [ 1 ]
A purity song, combined with hundreds of loving and loveable souls, cause and goal unknown.
16% [ 1 ]

Total Votes : 6
Who Voted: Barking_Basenji_Splitpin, Crunchyfrog, Ingrothechundyer, Jseme, Thunderbird, Tikanni Corazon

--------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to everyone who voted, and now I shall begin the writing process! Very Happy

If there is anything unclear about the story, feel free to PM me your inquiry. I will be more than happy to answer! Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Ingrothechundyer
Royal Arch-Mage



Joined: 22 Aug 2010

Posts: 484
Location: Wandering the streets of IF since 10/21/2005

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 10:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm looking forward to the next chapter Smile
_________________
My account may have been deleted but my completed SG is still there...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian



Joined: 12 Dec 2006

Posts: 3998


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A little bump from me, too! When's the next one, Cy? Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 2:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Working on it between the studying, will be done soon! Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 1:02 pm    Post subject: Ch6 - "Don't Split the Party" Reply with quote

I think this is a double post you are going to like. Wink

Ch -6- "Don't Split the Party"


"Either my heart is racing or that thing up there is making some funny noises…"

Indeed, as Cassiel said, something was foul. Adamant, paced thuds filled the air, ripples of power were usurping the stillness and invigorating the new angels. Though they didn't feel it as invigorating since the energy that filled the room was so overwhelming it far surpassed the point of invigoration. Also, the light pulsed with every beat in complete synch, which was haunting and calming at the same time… It still feels like a trap. You cannot breathe in there, not with the noise and the now blinding light permeating your very being, as if both the light and sound shoved themselves down your throat and stole your breath, with your heart racing you would grasp somewhere, anywhere, but the air is too thick with some unknown weight that imposed itself… It's going down your throat and into the stomach and pressing itself hard into you… Whatever it was, you need to get out!

And in search for a way out, you find none.

It was utter desperation that forced Attaris to open is mouth and try to say his name, but the light pierced through his eyes quite literally, and there were beams of light going from the orb straight into his eyes… He couldn't stand anymore, but he couldn't let out a sound, not even his name that Raphael said would give him power. He covered his eyes…

Maybe they failed? They obviously were a failure, not even near fit enough to be what they were designated to become…

"Bullshit. This is just a room. That is just a… whatever it is. The witch said I don't need a designation… a name."

So Attaris tried to look, but couldn't see. He again covered his eyes. He tapped around until he felt someone's hand, and from the way the hand grabbed his own he deducted it was Malachis.

There was no time. Attaris passed out before he could do anything.

"Too weak, he's down."

Malachi took off the top half of his robe, folded it once and threw it up, calculating the levitation height of the orb carefully from memory. He threw it with all his remaining strength and… he blacked out.

The robe fell onto the orb, but it was on a quick slope down. Just as the robe was falling down it gave Requiel enough time to get a quick glance of the covered ball, and she made a risk, not a calculation. She sprinted off, with heavy heartburn from the orb, jumping on the unfortunate Cassiel who was kneeling halfway between her and the orb, and then she sprung in a very fast, long jump. In mid-air the robe fell completely off the orb and she was blinded… but the punch fell roughly to the center of the orb nevertheless.

There was a lot of vapor, hissing, fire bursting towards the ceiling and a lot of pressurized air, and it made quite a bang… and then silence.

* * *

Malachi rolled over, trying to feel anything. There was a soft, silky material under him, and it was soft under it as well, as he was on something made of… nevermind, it was a bed. He managed to open his painful, painful eyes. He spent the first few seconds enduring the stiff pain and then he observed his surroundings.

It was obviously a rich room, with a great bed which he was still lying on, surrounded by fine silk and supported by obviously a high-quality matress. The bed had support pillars for a great mirror that was positioned right above him. Quite tasteless, but he could have been dead-er and he didn't really want to complain. Next to the bed was a small night stand that looked rather nice considering it was from the same collection as the bed. Malachi tried to remember which era or something it reminded him of… but there was a block in his thoughts that wouldn't give way.

The room itself was square, as opposed to the various round rooms he was in since he started remembering. The walls were of roughly cut stone that did not protrude into the room much, so the walls looked quite straight. There was also a carpet, thick and with long fibers. He sat on the edge of the bed now, feeling the carpet between his sore toes. While enjoying the sensation he noticed a fireplace on the opposite side of the room. Seeing how there was no fire in it now he assumed it was purely aesthetic. There was some strange crest above the fireplace that he didn't have the capacity to analyze now, and he also noticed some necessities in the room, like a desk in the corner to the right of the fireplace, filled with what he could say were ant.. antique accessories. His mind was still choppy and unready. But he did see a window above the desk.

He slowly stood up on his two wobbly legs and strode to the desk, holding onto it while he tried to open the window. Okay… the window is jammed. Or locked or something. Even worse, it's made of stained glass, so you cannot see a thing through it. He found an envelope on the desk, and he observed it thoroughly. There was a seal on it with the same herald as the one above the fireplace, and his name written neatly on the other side. Suddenly he noticed that the room had a scent of cherries residing in the air and reaching his nostrils. It was subtle and sweet.

He used a small stilletto, a knife residing on the desk, to open the letter, tearing the edges quite a lot since he was still not sure on his feet, and his hands weren't in the best working condition either. The note itself remained intact, thankfully. He sighed to clear his head a bit and sat down to read it.

* * *

The aroma of vapour and sulphur irritates her nose. She's not yet dead, it seems. That means the others are alive too, and she's partly happy because she wouldn't be doomed to solitude in this strange place, and then again she was partly irritated by the sulphur and the thought of those incompetent buffoons still ticking somewhere. "Maybe they're here, even. Gah."

She slowly opens her eyes. She is still in the room, but there is nobody else in here with her. Maybe the others are dead? Serves them right for being weak. Uhm… They kinda saved her with that piece of cloth that blocked the light a bit. Darn… now she feels bad.

"You girl are a brave one. Not reckless, but still lashing out when desperate."

"And now the ones who hide in the shadows have a right to criticize?"

"Quick on the tongue as well. Not a good trait."

Suddenly Req hears someone stepping forward and then an unknown whooshing sound, after which there is a glimmer of light that suddenly spreads in a radiant manner and lights the pores of a portion of the opposite wall in a matter of seconds. There is someone here, apparently. A person in a heavy cowled robe, holding a hand on the wall and obviously lighting up the wall by some kind of magic or force.

"Came to finish the job? I'd bet you didn't expect me to survive."

"Actually, my dear, I expected you to do just what you did."

Requiel gets a glimpse of the door and runs for it, looking at the figure across the room the whole time. The unknown man quickly let go of the wall and it became dark again. She opens the door and bright light shines through the room almost completely, but there is nobody there. Just her. Alone in the dark… and scared.

* * *

"Wake up, weakling."

"Hmm?"

"I said: Wake up!"

She felt a fast and dull pain hitting her head, and the shock of the sensation woke her from the semi-slumber she was in. She couldn't open her eyes just yet, she rubbed them gently and slowly felt her body gaining its lost senses back. It was a sensation that poured hope and joy into her, but it was short-lived. Someone grabbed her head and forced her eyes open. She saw only a shadow and stumbled back, hitting a wall with her head. Fortunately, her skull stopped the crash. She slowly shook her throbbing head and looked around her in slow-motion.

She was in a dirty, desolate room with a wooden floor and walls, rotten ceiling, moss growing in the corners, furniture half-broken and a small bug-infested couch on which sat… a shadow.

Just a shadow.

Blackness filling a void. That's how it felt too. She trembled, looking for a way out.

"Say, why nervous all of a sudden" said the shadow, with only it's mouth becoming tangible, or better to say human-like. The rest of the body was still a shadow. The wide grin it kept on it's face was chilling to the bone, with its ivory teeth lunging at you comparing to the dampening darkness that filled the space it appeared to be in.

"Who are you? Where are we? I don't like this place…"

Almost empty questions, and she felt it. She somehow knew the place, but she wasn't sure. She knew that she should know, but she didn't. No know situation. The shadow seemingly got usurped, upset and furious!

"How dare you? You lock me in and then you tell me you don't…"

And it paused, only to return to it's grin in a matter of miliseconds.

"You really don't know?"

Now this was creeping her out. She felt violated, ashamed and hurt and couldn't stand it. There were just too many unexplained questions to bear. The shadow suddenly lost all expression and its mouth disappeared. It continued to talk like usual though, with no emotions attached to the words this time.

"I'm sorry. It's just that I've been locked in here for quite a while. Why did you lock me in here?"

The last sentence almost had a sad note to it, and Orifiel's memories still didn't give in to the inquiry. No answers at all.

"I don't know. I am sorry if I did this to you, I don't know how… I don't know any 'how' at all. And 'why'. Are you scared?"

The shadow was silent, motionless for a second. Then came a sad, cold "Yes."

"You poor thing…"

Ori stood up from the corner and walked straight to the couch with almost a spring in her step, like a child would walk to another child that captivates its interest.

"Do you want to be friends? You wouldn't be lonely anymore."

The shadows mouth appeared again, but with a nice, warm smile. "I would like that very much."

Orifiel smiled. Her adult appearance was quite the opposite from her mind, as she often showed when feeling safe. She was an untainted, happy child. As beautiful outside as she was inside.

"What is your name? Shadowy-person?"

"I… I don't remember. I seem to have lost it through time…"

"Lost it through time? Well, we can give you a new name, a nice one. Hmmm…" She pondered for a few seconds and then she said: "Lisa."

It seemed for a moment that the shadow twitched, and then it said "But I don't remember being a girl!"

"Oh, so you are a boy? I'm sorry, I couldn't tell. Hmm…"

Again she pondered, making a funny, childish face. "Then what do you say about 'Leon'? It's also a nice name."

The shadow seemed to have frozen in place, the swirling of darkness in it seemed to have stopped but then "he" said: "S-Sure! That really is a good name!"

"Are you sure it's okay? You seemed strange there."

"Quite sure, Riffy! Leon I'll be then!"

Orifiel smiled happily. "Good. Now, how do we get out of this place…"

Just as she said that, everything went black and she had a feeling of just finishing a dream, being ready to wake up. She opened her eyes softly as rose petals would touch the ground after riding the lenient spring breeze. The grace that followed her showed the mature side of her, and yet her smile was filled with innocence.

Observing her, one couldn't read her thoughts. It would be hard to read whatever happens in her head, even as she stumbles while getting up. The strange space around her looks old, but still newer than the room she just dreamed about. The walls were made of stone, as well as the floor, with a light carpet and not much else. She made the bed she got off of, and then opened the door that was right in front of her.

A warm wind flew in, and she caught a glimpse of Attaris walking a few paces away from the room. She called him, and he almost jumped. He turned around, a light robe and pants making him look neat. He was neat, but why was he weary? She didn't understand.

"You murdering little… Why? Why kill all those men?"

"Attaris? I never killed anyone! What's with that?!"

"You…" he came very close to her, and she was already so exhausted she could barely stand. He was so good towards her and now he is mad? And he is so good… Too bad… "killed quite a few of our own soldiers out there!" She looked in his deep blue eyes, losing herself in the crevices of the sapphire retinae… "You are crazy!" He is so emotional and firm, a decisive guy… "You used the powers and made such a mess…" Her chest trembled from the proximity of their breaths, his own bursting with a lot of barely controlled energy, and hers so timid now, she stumbled back. He grabbed her hands, still talking furiously "…could've got killed so close to victory!"

He stopped. "You are irresponsible. Either that or plain crazy. I'm going to find the others, and then we will decide what we shall do…"

"'Next', or 'about you'?"
she thought.
Now how should she react to that? Should she go her own way or try to help him find others? Others are nice too, except for the raven-haired lady and man. That only leaves the red-haired girl to be nice. Well, she would surely forgive her…
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:38 pm; edited 4 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Thunderbird
Elder



Joined: 13 Sep 2009

Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woooo! Nice to see you getting back to it Cy! I'll take a read through soon... I'm here with just enough time to post a chapter myself. But I've been looking forward to this so I won't hang you to dry for long!
_________________

CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Thunderbird
Elder



Joined: 13 Sep 2009

Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 8:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright... I caught up... hadn't forgotten your post here Cy.

It's really nice to have you back writing again. How did it feel getting back in the saddle? I've always found the return after long breaks to be... a little intimidating. But then, after a while you're up and rolling - kinda like riding a bike, it all comes back.

And usually better than before. In this case, I feel you have done just that. I'm noting some clear writing improvements here. While some scenes were better than others, more clearly explained and fully thought out on how a reader would perceive your words, others sort of faltered a little. But while that may be the case, some of your scenes were so amazingly vivid that I was truly captivated by the imagery.

I mean:
Quote:
Malachi rolled over, trying to feel anything. There was a soft, silky material under him, and it was soft under it as well, as he was on something made of… nevermind, it was a bed. He managed to open his painful, painful eyes. He spent the first few seconds enduring the stiff pain and then he observed his surroundings.

It was obviously a rich room, with a great bed which he was still lying on, surrounded by fine silk and supported by obviously a high-quality matress. The bed had support pillars for a great mirror that was positioned right above him. Quite tasteless, but he could have been dead-er and he didn't really want to complain. Next to the bed was a small night stand that looked rather nice considering it was from the same collection as the bed. Malachi tried to remember which era or something it reminded him of… but there was a block in his thoughts that wouldn't give way.

The room itself was square, as opposed to the various round rooms he was in since he started remembering. The walls were of roughly cut stone that did not protrude into the room much, so the walls looked quite straight. There was also a carped, thick and with long fibers. He sat on the edge of the bed now, feeling the carpet between his sore toes. While enjoying the sensation he noticed a fireplace on the opposite side of the room. Seeing how there was no fire in it now he assumed it was purely aesthetic. There was some strange crest above the fireplace that he didn't have the capacity to analyze now, and he also noticed some necessities in the room, like a desk in the corner to the right of the fireplace, filled with what he could say were ant.. antique accessories. His mind was still choppy and unready. But he did see a window above the desk.

He slowly stood up on his two wobbly legs and strode to the desk, holding onto it while he tried to open the window. Okay… the window is jammed. Or locked or something. Even worse, it's made of stained glass, so you cannot see a thing through it. He found an envelope on the desk, and he observed it thoroughly. There was a seal on it with the same herald as the one above the fireplace, and his name written neatly on the other side. Suddenly he noticed that the room had a scent of cherries residing in the air and reaching his nostrils. It was subtle and sweet.

He used a small stilletto, a knife residing on the desk, to open the letter, tearing the edges quite a lot since he was still not sure on his feet, and his hands weren't in the best working condition either. The note itself remained intact, thankfully. He sighed to clear his head a bit and sat down to read it.


Sure there's some things I could pick at where exact wording is concerned BUT this was a very clear and powerful scene! The reference to the window being stained glass... the scent of cherries in the air... all really pulled me in to what I felt was an experiencable place.

And:
Quote:
Suddenly Req hears someone stepping forward and then an unknown whooshing sound, after which there is a glimmer of light that suddenly spreads in a radiant manner and lights the pores of a portion of the opposite wall in a matter of seconds. There is someone here, apparently. A person in a heavy cowled robe, holding a hand on the wall and obviously lighting up the wall by some kind of magic or force.

I missed it at first but came back around to read it again and was really quite taken by this vision - powerful stuff actually.

So, yeah, I could still pick at quite a bit to aide you along the journey of growing further as a writer (I'm sure everyone could pick equally as much at my texts...) but I just wanted to take a moment to share why I thought this was a great way to return to your tale.

I hope the fact that this story lay dormant for so long does not hamper its ability to continue on with an active audience. It was memorable enough for me to recall much of what happened up to now so as I could keep up with what was going on in this chapter, so that's a good sign.


Now, what to do... Well, she seems like she feels rather innocent and if she's really a good person, she'll probably want to know what accidental atrocities she, (or someone else in her body) has committed so she can make them right. Accountability is the hallmark of a hero, no?
_________________

CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 12:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you very much for this detailed reply, Thunderbird! Very Happy I'm literally overjoyed by the thought you found my writing to be better than the last time I posted something!

I am really happy to be writing again, it's like an exhaust vent that was clogged and now I unwound it. I feel more stable now, to tell you the truth.

It truly is like riding a bike, but I took my time regaining my momentum and I really tried to bring the characters to life. I decided to improve the chapters by acommodating my writing to the character, since that way I don't really need to emphasize whose point of view I'm writing in. I am very proud of Malachi's awakening scene, and am also glad you have seen it's authenticity too! Very Happy It took me some time, but I think I'm getting the hang of "becoming" my characters, and that was quite a lot of work since there are six of them. So far Attaris, Malachi and Orifiel are the ones I believe I can write with pretty decently.

I have a big favor, if you have a little time. Could you point to the parts that weren't as good so that I can rectify it? I really value your advice, so it would mean a lot to me if I could get information about my errors from a more experienced source.

Thank you again for catching up! I will write more often now that college is not so rigid. Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Thunderbird
Elder



Joined: 13 Sep 2009

Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'd be happy to, but I must admit, after reading some of my early chapters in HM today, I'm not feeling too great about my own writing skills at the moment. Thanks for your compliments but I'd really feel hippocritical to offer such feedback right now as I'm in 'work on myself' mode. I'll probably get over it soon and return to offer you the feedback you're asking for by the weekend. As I've told others, its the act of offering feedback to others that can very much help ourselves to see our own errors so I'm not turning you down, just asking for you to understand some delay. Wink
_________________

CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian



Joined: 12 Dec 2006

Posts: 3998


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 1:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lot of this is coming back now, and I'm trying to remember the scene of fighting earlier on in the story, and whether this is what Attaris is referring to.

I haven't gone back to that chapter yet and for good reason - I want to play this DP in character. If Orifiel cannot remember what she has done, then she should demand proof. For all she knows Attaris may be mistaken, and she may think that she's not even be guilty at all.

So, while I agree with Thunderbird that she'll want to know what she's supposed to have done, I'd go one further, and demand proof and evidence. Who knows where that may lead.

It's good to see you back and writing, Cy. Don't leave it so long this time! Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 2:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for catching up, CF, I promise it won't be long until the next chapter. Smile

EDIT: (Sat May 14, 2011 1:36 pm )
Notice to everyone reading the story! Three days until the voting begins! The voting itself will last for one week.

Any last ideas that pop into the mind about this decision point, put them in now!

EDIT 2: (Mon May 16, 2011 10:32 pm)
Okay, the voting starts now! Votes are taken for exactly one week! Ready set go! Very Happy

EDIT 3: (Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:35 am)
These are the results of the poll. Smile

Question Attaris about what happened and what she has done.
50%
50% [ 1 ]
Questino him and demand proof of the alleged atrocities.
0%
0% [ 0 ]
Snap at him and start yelling, brewing a hate inside her.
0%
0% [ 0 ]
Become overwhelmed by fear and break into tears.
50%
50% [ 1 ]
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:35 am; edited 5 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:28 pm    Post subject: Ch7 - "Quarters" Reply with quote

Warning: Some violence, not even less bad language.

Ch -7- "Quarters"


He was still breathing heavily from all the air he used to yell, the spill of all his anger through a storm of words and from which he was coming to his senses now. He was almost seeing red just from remembering what happened.

"Attaris…" he heard. His breathing stopped just after his next heartbeat thumped.

"I honestly… I can't…"

It was done. He could see the tears coming like a grown seal could see an iceberg shatter from its own weight… breaking, shards of pure, sweet water flying directly towards its salty counterpart. He was only able to watch, knowing he has done that… and yet was unable to prevent the snowballing cry. She bursted into tears silently, like a child when being scolded and not allowed to move from the spot. That wasn't what he wanted… What did he want anyway? He didn't know.

"Ori… I'm sorry, I didn't…"

Now this situation seemed way too familiar to him, for some reason. He hated it, though he hated himself more because he instigated it. He wondered about what she had done ever since he got out of that room he awoke in, he was saving every ounce of angry argumenting he thought of just for this moment… and now when the deed was done, he wishes that he controlled himself better and that he didn't make her break into tears. God, why is it so familiar?!

"Orifiel…" He touched her shoulder, trying to lessen the damage, but she backed away as if burned by his touch, revealing her face wet with tears for only a moment before clasping it again and weeping even louder. He was confused. She is the one who killed all of those men? Obviously not, but she could be psychotic. As he sighed as a gesture of giving up, she finally pointed some timid looks towards him, her chin still shaking.

Attaris, in all his confusion, did the best thing he could think of, and that was to open his arms, and offer her the warmest, friendliest hug he could give.

She just stood there.

He just stood there.

And the silence was total.

She finally opened her mouth to speak.

"Have you… has anyone been hurt? I mean, of us… the other two men and ladies?"

He lowered his arms to hang naturally for a few moments, and then continued moving them, gesticulating with his speech as always.

"The others are fine, and from what I saw all of them had their share of problems. I almost… lost myself as well."

She looked at him closely. It was his eyes that were now sad. She said nothing, yet she was the one who took two steps forward and hugged him. He was relieved on many accounts, most notably because she was not crying anymore.



* * *


She paced through the stone halls furious and fearful. And she is pissed. Who was that weirdo? Who does he think he is? And how the hell did he vanish like that? It was just too much. She turned a few corners, listening for any sounds of others. Nothing yet. Her clothes irritated her simply because they were tasteless. Something toga-like and covering way too much. She tried to tie it up and twist it somehow, but nothing she did with it pleased her. Finally she settled for something half-tucked and left it at that.

Now that her thoughts were back on thinking about what happened, she thought of all the disgust that came with looking and hitting all those hideous creatures. The sins of men combined with the liquor of beasts poured out of their skin, and splashed out forcibly when it was cut. They were bursting with hideousness, and were quite literally the embodiment of aesthetic pus and such, scrapped from the lowest parts of some hot, evil place. She could barely think of all the things she has done to them without feeling changed, internally violated. She murdered. Maimed. And so did the little bitch that fancied the cute black-haired boy. She didn't dwell much on it, though, 'cause she was aiming for the long-haired hunk that always kept his cool. She could surely heat him up.

As for heating up, she heard the sounds of some heated argument. She could almost sense the moist spit flying around from Cassiel's mouth when he shouted every imaginable insult he remembered to someone. She also sensed who he was shouting at. While she was running she heard sounds of flesh and bones colliding with more and less solid parts of body, and it wasn't one-sided either. She finally turned the last corner and saw Attaris holding Cassiel in a standing armlock. Cassiel screamed and flailed around helplessly and Orifiel, that murdering bitch now cowered just behind the door frame.

Req strutted towards them, moving her hips as usual, with one leg in front of the other.

"Boys" she said, asking for attention, "please stop this, you are acting like two big kids arguing over who can spit farther."

Cassiel shook out of the armlock, but only because Attaris was slowly letting him go. Cassiel, the mutt, in his impatience pulled his arm too hard and pulled something, most probably one of those bulging muscles. Req laughed as to step on their foolishness and grind it. When she glanced at Orifiel though, she gave her such a deadly look that she was careful only the little bitch would see it. It made the girl even more scared. Good.

Cassiel was still raging. "I come out of some shithole pansy room, rush down the bleeding corridors to find the rest of you and Malachi tells me this (Attaris slammed his fist on the door frame, which toned out the insult) killed about a dozen of our men! And even worse, I find this jerk hugging her!"

She looked at those two, and instantly knew everything that could've been read from the situation. She was sceptical about all of them, since they were so incompetent and unintelligent, but she knew she should calm them down or else they'd fight until one of them loses a limb or worse.

"I see you took all of that quite seriously, Cassiel, but something tells me what happened wasn't real."

Cassiel blinked. "Ya sayin' that those beasts, the people, the world itself wasn't the real McCoy?"

"No, it wasn't that… whatever you said."

He is stumped, with too much information running through that little brain. No wonder. But he seems to know something and he is connecting some dots.

"I believe we have been tricked in some kind of illusion."

Cassiel looked at her, eyes wide. "You know too? Did you see it, when it all disappeared?"

Attaris and Orifiel were obviously confused, and Req raised an eyebrow and crooked her lips in a quasi-thoughtful smile.

"At one moment it all stopped, and then it was somehow blank… but I didn't see anything."

Cassiel nodded and moved his lips like saying something with no breath, to himself.

"Anyway, we should move" said Req, again, "there are bound to be answers, but they are not going to come to us while we sit on our behinds. Or get our arms broken."

"Ow get ouw awms bwoken…" Cassiel repeated mockingly while turning to follow her down the corridor. He gave Att and Ori another frowned look and then seemingly forgot about them while he went towards theorner with Req, holding his painful, strained shoulder. They just got to the corner when Req heard a familiar, deep and hot voice. She turned around.



* * *


He is way too tired to think of that irritant who wouldn't be able to read a person if intentions were written on their foreheads. Luckily he was gone, not a moment too soon. He was still weak, but the contents of the letter intrigued him for a while so he forgot about it. When he couldn't stand anymore he sat in front of the great wardrobe and rememmbered that the letter mentioned some kind of a drawer in the great armoire. After some prodding he found that a decoration in the bottom of it detached itself to serve as a handle, and it had some rather classy ornaments unlike the rest of the decorations; simple lily flowers connected with their petals at the middle. He pulled the handle and observed the contents of the drawer, holding his aching head with the other hand so firmly his fingers pressed into his skull.

In it was some simple underwear, under which were fashionable black trousers that seemed to come from the same era as the rest of the room. There was also a vest to match, beneath which was a fancy white shirt. He didn't mind since he liked a bit of class and this suited his appetite well. After placing the clothes on the beds folded sheets he saw something glimmering in the drawer just as he was closing it. He also heard some clutter at the furthest part, though he couldn't open it all the way so he slipped his hand in and barely reached something cylindrical, elongated… a cane. It was a black cane with a silver-ish head of a bird as a handle. A bird he would call something… e-gull? Something noble, but with no name to him currently. He placed the cane on the bed and went on to dress himself properly.

A few seconds longer had passed than he would like, but in his condition it was swift enough. He now saw that having that cane would serve more purposes than just aesthetic, for his legs were still a bit wobbly. He could stand, yes, but not run. He strutted out of his room and heard some mumbling behind the corner. While walking he observed that the complex was like a maze with plenty of corners and walls. He concluded that it must be some kind of living quarters, and judging from the letter he read and the clothes that fit him like tailored specially for him, those were their quarters. He absorbed the quality of the walls while he could, and when he reached the curve he saw Req and Cass moving away.

"You are all here? Good. Wait, where is the red-headed girl?"

All of them turned to see him, and he could see Reqs face turn green in turn. Obviously she was territorial, and he couldn't care less about it.

"If she's lost, it's her… Well… Where did you get the fancy threads?"

She raised an eyebrow. Typical.

"They were in my room. I believe the rooms were prepared specifically for us, and I also believe that we will be briefed very, very soon. Go back to your rooms and change into whatever you find. I trust you will be satisfied."

Maybe not as satisfied as he was, no. He enjoyed the feeling he sported now.

"Just 'cause you found some fancy-pantsies and a shirt you are the one giving orders now?"

Malachi sighed at the blockhead's remark. He was way too tired for this, so he chose the peaceful, diplomatic way.

"No, my friend. I am only implying that you will feel better wearing some decent clothes, and I know you are aware that soon someone will come for us."

Cassiel was rash, but not stupid. Sometimes, maybe. He shrugged and waddled of in the direction where Mal supposed his room was.Requiel walked down the hall in the direction he first saw her, glancing behind her almost unnoticeably. Almost.

"Attaris, I suggest you don't fraternize with the witch but instead go get dressed."

Mal at this point wasn't interested in Attaris' reaction, but he just turned around and went back to his quarters. Back on the soft, silk covers to tend to his currently weakened body.



* * *


Back in his room was Attaris, lying on the floor. He was dressed in the clothes he found in a night desk near his bed. The black jeans fit him nicely and had some kind of elastic in the threads so they felt like second skin to him. The grey turtle neck vest was nice too. He stared at the ceiling, turning it into a movie screen for his thoughts. He tried to fit in all the thoughts; relations, actions and feelings… Something wasn't right. He never saw them, yet he knew them. He wouldn't hang out with them usually, yet they worked together. Something was amiss.

Also, is Orifiel mad? He saw her face on the ceiling, the stones helping him to form a three-dimensional image. She wasn't herself then… That's right! Her eyes were… He tried to match the two faces of her he saw, and remembered that the eyes were strange, her left eye is green, but then it was blue! And the other eye reversed color too… It could've been the light refraction off her cornea, but his sight was clear. That also fascinated him, somehow he couldn't match clear eyesight with himself.

Then he heard a knock on the door.

"Y-yes?" He was startled, he jumped up and straightened his shirt, expecting that someone who was supposed to take them.

The door screeches only for a split second, and a female hand grasps the edge of it. There's a soft voice behind the door. "May I come in?" Attaris approaches and opens the door himself, and he sees Seraphine, She has no expression on her face, and her posture reveals nothing. She is as cool as a breeze. Is she, really?

"Of course, please do."

She walked right in, and kicked a wall next to Attaris' bed… The stone looked dented in that spot now.

"I just heard everything two minutes ago. This thing was a sham?!"

She grabbed the neck of his turtle and reamed him straight into the door while yelling. "I killed a girl! A fake girl! And I almost died out there! More than once! You almost killed me!"

"Yet I didn't."

She stopped. Her freckles looked like red spots on burning cinder, a fire was put out, but the heat was still raging. Right up to her eyes.

"Why? Why did you… GAH! It doesn't make sense!"

He nodded, saying "Tell me about it." He guided her, with one arm around her, to the bed, at which edge she sat. He crouched in front of her, observing her eyes. They were far from lifeless. Deep, blue, and twitching here and there. She was in great emotional pain, no? Obviously. She didn't hide it, nor she should. Her white gown was soft to the touch, but he reckoned her heart was a very different matter right now. Maybe with time and friends… What friends? For all he knew, the six of them could be the only normal people they are ever going to meet.

There was another knock on the door, and two sheets of paper slipped under it by someone. Attaris opened the door quickly, but there was nobody there. No wonder, he had seen stranger. Or hadn't? Nevermind. He gave Sera's paper to her, which she read through in a single breath. When he glanced at it he found it to be instructions. They were supposed to go somewhere. As he read it he saw her walk towards the door quickly, patting him as to say "No time to waste, go."

He did as he was pat.

——————————-

DP: Where do the directions lead?
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Thunderbird
Elder



Joined: 13 Sep 2009

Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 8:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How did I miss the poll???

Ah well... I'll read this soon. Running out of time atm.
_________________

CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 8:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry, TB, nobody blames you. We all had a lot of stuff, I've been personally mlested, and still am, by RL and college. So no worries. Wink
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Lilith
Honored Citizen



Joined: 10 Feb 2007

Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 5:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A training ground for all six of them?
_________________

© 2007-2019 Lilith
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice to see you caught up, Lil'! Very Happy Welcome back!

It could be a training ground, yes, or it could be something less military-oriented, not even I know. Smile You can let loose the hogs of war on this one, really.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:45 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Thunderbird
Elder



Joined: 13 Sep 2009

Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My main 'critique' here would be to try to make it a bit more clear who is talking. In the lag between chapters I'm getting lost in the characters and the personality and content of the speech is not enough for me to sort out who is saying what when they are all together.

Now, that said, I suspected that the previous 'setting' was not 'real' but a test of some sort. I'm thinking these beings are in some sort of Limbo, their souls being tested to see if they would so quickly slip into becoming the past evil beings they have previously been. They are being given a chance at redemption I think, each having to face their own unique trials though they are tested in a manner which blends each of their issues together.

That, in and of itself, seems to be a great story premise. Even if I'm wrong, the fact that you have me guessing here is to your credit.

So I'm going to say that it's a treasure map. They will now be tested on 'greed'.
_________________

CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, TB! Very Happy I noticed it now that I have taken another look at it, and I'll do an edit soon to fix it. Got carried away, I guess. Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Tatkret Sos
Resident



Joined: 10 Nov 2009

Posts: 74
Location: UK

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Finally caught up Very Happy Sorry it took me so long Cy. As always 2 more brilliant chapters since I last read it. Great Job Smile

Oh and I agree with TB. It was a little hard to understand the story who each part was about but loved it all the same Very Happy

Umm... I guess the instructions could lead them to their next test or challenge not sure what it could be though Smile

Poke
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tats! Very Happy Welcome back! Thank you for catching up, I'm glad you enjoyed them. Alas, I shall have to do some minor or major editing to make it more readable, but the essence of it will be the same.

Now is the time for ze poll. Smile

The poll will be again running for 7 days, starting this instant. Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Lilith
Honored Citizen



Joined: 10 Feb 2007

Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 7:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just popping in to say 'Voted' and that my brain totally went somewhere else at the last option. Confused But,.. more training I say!
_________________

© 2007-2019 Lilith
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2012 12:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Where do the directions lead them?

The training grounds. 25% [ 1 ]
A treasure, to test their greed. 75% [ 3 ]
A challenge, i.e. a monster or a terrain obstacle. 0% [ 0 ]
The "debriefing room". 0% [ 0 ]

Total Votes : 4

Who Voted: Lilith, Tatkret Sos, Thunderbird, Tikanni Corazon


The poll is done! (No way! Razz) Sorry for waiting. I thought I'd pop a chapter, it'd be well past the time to do so. Smile

I apologize for the delay, and I also apologize for any "what the?" you may get from this chapter. Those will be lampshaded appropriately. Smile
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jan 31, 2012 12:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2012 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some harsh language, blood.

Ch -8- "All The Finer Things"


Corridors.

Turns.

Stone, unknown light sources.

And no windows.

For some reasons the six of them never saw a window. Well, one of them did, but only in his own quarters.

Attaris, in his black jeans and grey turtle-neck, looked awfully modr... mode.n. Mod... *headache* The others looked equally out of place as he did if they were to compare each other to him. Malachi was a classy gentleman, looking almost 200 years out of place, Seraphine in a blend of an exotic gown and a regular dress, and Orifiel in loose V-cut sweater and barely baggy trousers. She also had her feet in snea..rs, similar to Attaris’ and Requiel’s, but very off compared to Malachi’s high-class shoes or Sera’s flat sandals. Requiel was finally pleased, with a black top and hot pants to show off her figure, over which Cassiel gladly drooled. He simply looked like a punk, with a shirt that had its sleeves ripped off and simple blue jeans.

And to completely describe them would be even more confusing than a simple glance is.

In the corridors, seldom would you hear a word from them. Doors that were there were locked, and wouldn’t give an inch. Orifiel walked right next to Attaris, since at least he wasn’t mad at her. Much. He’s here, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.

After a few minutes, Malachi finally stopped, and observed. In front of them was a door as big as the corridor itself.

"It seems like..."

"Just open the damn door."

Malachi gave but a glance to Requiel, and then did as he heard. On the other side was an open ground, a yard, a sun in the sky and a few clouds to make it feel cozy. And in the yard... yes, it was a yard, there were chairs, tables, and people. So many people in a great space, it felt lively.

"Ah, the best man’s here!"

"Come on fella, bring your lady and sit ‚ere! Your friends will sit right next to yah!"

Strange people, dressed like Malachi, but not so. They looked more plain, with coats, shirts, black mostly. The tables that were placed to the sides, leaving the middle path open to a big, big table. At that table, more people, and in the middle a man and a woman, dressed like the rest, but standing out. She was in white, he was in black. Was he mourning while she overjoyed?

No...

Sera had her eyes wide open. „It’s a wed... goddamit! It’s a goddamn wedding and I know this! I should kno... Aaaaaah!” She fell to the ground, grasping her head and screaming. The people in the yard cheered.

"Yes, a goddamn wedding it is! Well said lass! I raise a glass to you!"

"Oh no you won’t, you raise those glasses more than you raise your kids!"

The crowd bursted out laughing at the wife scorning the plumper red-nosed man. They continued cheering.

Attaris was down on one knee, he grabbed Sera’s head and opened her left eye. The eye was there for a second in his sight, but the iris was wide open. She was so out of focus and in shock, she just continued screaming, breaking her screams with convulsions. He swiftly carried her to a chair and sat her down, then tore off the tablecloth, pulled it off the table with all the tableware... during which the people just laughed. Some of them seemed sentient enough to pick up their glasses before they were swept off the table, while others continued using the empty table as if there was still food and tableware on it. It was... madness.

Attaris placed Sera on the table and then to the side. She started convulsing.

"Now, what did they say about convuls... intern class... Gah!"

A splitting headache spiked his brain. He stopped thinking about specific things so that he doesn’t make it worse. He took a deep breath and with his eyes half-closed, he was out cold. The iris of his eye was now glassy blue, watery, unfocused.

Malachi, on the way to the bri..egr..oms table, laughed at the festivities, but he didn’t laugh with his heart to it. He felt the emptiness. It was no different from his memories. It was as empty as the glasses that fell to the grass, that rolled under his feet. And he was determined to crush the memories as well as that glass that had no chance of survival under his weight. He had no strength of body, but the nature takes its course, and leads his foot to crush the weak... glass. It was done.

The sound of glass breaking, the feeling of broken glass under his feet, soon he was so enveloped in that majestic thought that all the participants of the festivity stood up and threw their glasses, under his feet, gently and strongly, swiftly and slowly. There was but one glass left on the table in front of the bridegroom. It was a large, crystal chalice. He took but a glance and took a step. One glass broken. With his cane, second glass. his second step took two glasses. Each sound was different, each destroyed vessel gave out a tune that pleased his ears, vibrated through his skull and went back into his limbs, invigorating him.

What was it? He cared little. He was here. He was now. He was IT. The pleasure of breaking became his. The pleasure, yes! But not just the breaking! It was the promise of a broken vessel that it will give him what it held until now! Every tear of joy, hate and pain! Every laughter it resonated is now under his feet. Tens of vessels. Hundreds! It was his...

And it was done.

He was now in front of the recently-united couple. The chalice stared him in the eyes, and observed the melody of broken cups that lingered behind him. The men were silent, as were the women. The redhead no longer convulsed. Silence... was absolute.

Not three seconds passed, there came a wind. The slow wind carried drops of water as clear as air, and with a round shape as of ripe grapes. Malachi counted six drops falling into the empty cup, which barely formed a small pond on the bottom of the chalice. In front of him, on the table, was now a machine. A metal weapon. It barely fit the age his robes were of. It was to be held in one hand, and fired with less than that. He checked it, and found that he can fire it twice. Fittingly, he raised it towards the couple. First the man, then the woman. In each of them was now a piece of metal he knew well. But they did not move. He shot them, he did!

And yet they stood there, blood pouring out of the holes on their holes and staining them red. The blood didn’t seem to end. But they were there, standing, not even flinching from the impact force. He was now intrigued. Almost scared, but confident enough to turn it to usefulness. Another wind came by, and a droplet with it. It came overhead, and it was the smallest yet. It had great luminescence to it, but little mass. It fell into the cup, and the cup was suddenly full. The single droplet made the cup full from just touching the small pool collected on the bottom of the cup. The amount of water expanded rapidly to fill the cup in but half a second, the water still shaking from the impact of the last drop.

As soon as the cup filled with water, the blood in the now-soaked clothes started retracting itself to the wounds, leaving the clothes clean, fresher than the blood that soaked them minutes ago. The wounds closed. The man said:

"Seeing that there's something more than you and your own life, and you still act that way? They are blind, and you close your eyes intentionally."

The man shrugged.

The woman said:

"You choose poorly."

Malachi’s eyes opened wide. "I do not make poor choices. If there is a mistake, it is not mine."

The woman replied:

"Do you really think so?"

He snarled, swung his cane, and was to hit the woman, who showed no reaction, not a flinch. In mid-swing, he turned and smashed the chalice. The water spilt over him, the couple and the table. And the complete yard, the people, the five behind him, were all sucked into the wet surfaces like vacuum.


==//\\==
==\\//==

It was the room again. It wasn’t the same room, but a bit different. Attaris was on a bed again, a bit harder mattress and a poly-something sheets. It was more like him. More like his. From the simple bed he was on, he observed the room with roughly the same setting, but different furniture. The bed was simple, wooden frame with full header and footer, a sponge-like pillow and afore-observed mattress and sheet. The pa..quet..e floor had a simple, thin carpet, and the elaborate wooden desk was replaced with a metal and glass one, with a few metal drawers and a light. The walls were now flat, and... white. The sheets matched the walls and the shades on the window, with majority of the light actually coming from above... and it was fluores.ent white. Sickeningly white, with only the gray carpet and the pictures on the wall dispersing the monotony. The pictures were of bodies, hand-drawn, dis.ected. Open, closed, sewn. It was his body on the pictures. His face didn’t show, but it was him. He felt it. He KNEW it.

He checked the cabinet, his desk, the closet, it was all empty. Nothing. All white, pl..stic surfaces... It didn’t even have the feeling of a room. He was about to sit on the chair set under the desk, when he heard a knock on the door.

His thoughts went still, then raced for a second on who it might be, when came another knock. And he went blank again. He stood there, while the person opened the door easily, calmingly. She set her foot into the room and under her feet there radiated color. The half a meter in her vicinity was colored.

"Good evening, sir" she said. She was... beautiful. He was speechless for a moment, looking at her face, hair, dress, shoes, the colour underneath.

"My name is Estelle, and I will serve you as your maid for the duration of your stay here."

Her face was still, no emotions. She had captivating a presence, she had the posture of who she was.

"I... I’m sorry. I’m glad to meet you, Miss Estelle."

"Just Estelle will do, Sir Attaris."

"Just Attaris will do, Estelle."

He didn’t know the origin of his wit, as he was motionless between his ears. He still recovered from the piercing whiteness which, by the way, she didn’t even seem to notice.

"I will be bringing you your meals, and will notify you of anything important happening. Eventually, you will be called so I will be the one showing you around the estate."

She went to the bed and started straightening the sheets. The sheets briefly turned blue as if she was shedding blue light on them, after which she turned to the desk that turned slightly brownish-gray a colour.

"There is a set of writing and drawing tools in the drawers, as well as papers. If you need hard-covered blank books or anything call me and I will procure them for you."

Those empty drawers... not empty? He couldn’t utter a word on her explanations, but he managed to squeeze out a half of "How?"

"If you wish to call me, open the spy hole on the door and call my name. That should suffice. I will come as soon as I am able to. Is everything alright... Sir Attaris?"

(She just won’t let go of that 'Sir'.) "Yes, yes... everything is fine." He kept his eyes on her, and on the half-brown door. He looked at his hands, and they were grey. It was like watching something from a long time ago.

"If that is all, I have some other business to attend to."

~~~~~~

It that all? Any questions? Thoughts? Deeds? Very Happy

_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?


Last edited by Cyberworm on Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:12 pm; edited 2 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I apologize for the double post. I wanted to note that the last chapter was edited and is much more readable now! I'll be grateful for any suggestions and thoughts. ^_^

Seeing how a lot of time has passed since that last chapter was posted, I'll start writing the next one as soon as I get a reply in this thread.

*arms himself with a pen*

Let's make magic. Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
VenomousAngel
Resident



Joined: 11 Jun 2012

Posts: 61


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 2:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just found a few things that urked me, almost making me not want to read anymore.. Not sure if other parts held these, But here are some examples:

Quote:
The pa.quet.e floor had a simple, thin carpet,

Malachi, on the way to the bri.egr.oms table,

All white, pl.stic surfaces...

a half of „How?"

„Yes, yes... everything is fine.”

„If that is all, I have some other business to attend to.”


Alright, the first three.. *Cringes* Did you mean to put all those periods in there, and if so... Is that some unknown language?? I didnt understand it really. As for the last three, Did you mean for the quotation marks to go to the bottom of the word like that, I cant even make mine do that... Besides that, good plot going on and interesting read.. Although I do agree that having so many characters involved in one chapter is a bit stressful. We just get into something with one, and then we are switched to another all that quickly.. I would suggest lengthening out the play with each one, Maybe only having two or three in a chapter at once?
_________________



Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, the dots were intentional, it's to mark their faulty memory. They cannot recollect exact names and such a use of dots is to mark the lapse. Very Happy

And as for the quotations, I've been writing it in a peculiar writing program and I didn't change them. XD Will do it now. ^_^

Thank you for the reply. Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
sagittaeri
Scifi/Experimental Mod



Joined: 05 May 2012

Posts: 367


Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ohh Cy's SG!! I'm gonna start reading from Chapter 1 and post my full comments soon! Wink

Although, I did peek at Ven's comments. May I humbly recommend that you use more dots and also italicise the words that are affected by memory? For e.g.:

pa.quet.e: pa..quet..e
bri.egr.oms: bri..egr..oms
pl.stic: pl..stic

Well, italicisation is optional, but it might help in reducing the confusion in the readers.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Aug 2007

Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Sagi, I wouldn't have thought of that. XD I just left the letters that are a blank slate as dots, one for each letter. But I guess it makes no difference if you read it so I'll gladly implement your suggestion. Very Happy
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.




Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author
Lilith
Honored Citizen



Joined: 10 Feb 2007

Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 5:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well now... all caught up as I am... I say Attaris should touch Estelle's shoulder to see if he can regain his own color back, and possibly some semblance of his brain as well.

I stick by what I've said before, the story has fantastic potential, but I still feel like we're jumping around a bit. I do hope the introductory sensation of insanity does die down a bit so we can follow what's going on. It feels like the tale has truely just begun as you're still exploring each 'angel's' history or emotions & power.

_________________

© 2007-2019 Lilith
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Reply to topic       Storygames Home -> The Vault All times are GMT - 8 Hours
Goto page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Page 1 of 4
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group. Forum design by mtechnik, customized by City of IF
All site content © City of IF or the respective storygame authors.   Terms of use
Home   Book   Storygames   FAQ   Greek myth   About   Policies