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Tikanni Corazon
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 Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 3:04 pm Post subject: SparkleSteps - Chapter Ten poll is up! |
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Prologue
The forest was dark and silent.
The two of them ran silently through the darkness and trees. They merged with the deep shadows, as they raced to get back to the portal before it closed on them.
"Sorren, wait!" came a frightend whisper from within one of the shadows.
"We can't, Mot," came Sorren's reply, "We must get back before the portal closes. If we don't we'll be stuck here for......I don't know how long." He continued to sprint onwards.
"But......I thought that I heard something!"
That halted Sorren, and he dropped to the ground, with Mot following suit.
"What did it sound like?" Sorren whispered, nervously, looking around at the shadows that surrounded them.
"I'm not sure," replied Mot, his breathing frantic with fear. " Like growling I think." He glanced at his friends face, just visible in the thin shafts of moonlight, that pierced the canopy above them. "What should we do?"
Sorren continued to scan the darkness, listening for the noise, and searching for it's maker, hoping and praying silently that it was not what he feared.
"We should continue on to the portal," he finally answered.
"But, what if..." Sorrens reasurring hand on his shoulder made Mot's question fade into silence.
"We have no choice, my friend," Sorren whispered softly, his voice strangely calm, despite the possiblity of danger. "We must return to our own world before the door closes. If......if that creature is out there, hunting us, then the only chance we have is getting back home. The others need to know, Mot. They need to know what we have discovered." He heard Mot sigh heavily beside him.
" You're right," he agreed, "Let's go."
The two of them sprang to their feet once again, and, after a quick look around, they set off, racing through the trees towards the portal and safety.
Suddenly, there was a loud cracking noise, behind and to the left of them, and once more they dropped to the ground.
“There is something out there,” breathed Sorren, gazing back the way they had come, his eyes wide with fear.
“Sorren, come on!” whispered Mot, urgently, tugging at his friends tunic. “The portal is just ahead. We can make it. We must…” But he was interrupted, by a deep, low growl, closer now.
Sorren sprang to his feet, pulling Mot with him.
“Run!” he cried, taking off in the direction of the portal. He could see the clearing now, beyond the trees, and within it the pool, glowing with the magical light, that escaped through the doorway, which led back to their world. Mot was right, they could make it.
“I can see it Mot!” he shouted to his friend. But he got no answer. He looked back over his shoulder, and found that Mot was nowhere to be seen. Sorren halted in his tracks, turning wildly about, looking for his comrade.
“Mot!” he yelled, into the darkness. But no reply reached his ears. “Mot! Where are you?” Nothing, just the wind blowing softly through the shadowy trees.
Then, somewhere in the darkness, he heard his friends voice.
“Sorren!”
“Mot!” he called back, his voice breaking. He held his head in his hands. What was happening to his friend? A horrified scream pierced the night, making his blood run cold. Then it came again, a cry of pain and terror. Then, as suddenly as it had come, it stopped, and a deathly silence descended.
Sorren couldn’t believe what was happening. Was his friend dead? His constant companion since childhood, could he really be gone forever? He could do nothing to stop the tears pouring from his eyes. Soon his face was awash with their salty wetness. But then, to his astonishment, he heard his friends voice reach him once again, through the darkness.
“Sorren, it’s coming! Run!”
Though Mot’s voice was faint, he heard the words clearly. Instantly, he jumped to his feet, and tore off towards the portal. If only he could reach home, there was a chance that he could come back with others, to rescue Mot.
There was the pool, just ahead of him. Just a little further, and he would be back where he belonged.
Suddenly, something grabbed his ankle, and sent him sprawling to the forest floor. He looked back to see what had tripped him.
His face changed to a mask of horror, when he saw the tentacle wrapped tightly around his ankle, glinting wetly in the soft moonlight. He tried to shake free of its grip, but despite it’s slippery appearance, it held him fast, and began to pull him back into the shadows, and the creature to whom the tentacle belonged.
He scrabbled frantically at the earth, grasping at trees, trying to escape from his captor. But the creature gripped him firmly, and continued to draw him back.
“Chahna!” he howled into the night. She would not hear him, but she was the one who filled his thoughts, as he was dragged into the deep blackness. Then he knew no more.
“John, do you want me to drive for a bit? You look exhausted.” Kathleen looked at her husband, her face a mask of concern. When he didn’t answer, she persisted. “Please honey, let me drive. Then you can get a couple of hours sleep.”
“I’m fine,” came his snappy reply. He glance towards her and then sighed heavily. “I’m sorry love. You’re right, I am tired. But in another few hours, we’ll be home. I’ll sleep then, okay.” She smiled at him, and nodded.
The Munby’s had been driving since four o clock that morning, barely getting five hours sleep. Now at five in the afternoon, though his wife had managed to get a couple of extra hours sleep, John Munby had been driving nearly non stop for the last thirteen hours, trying to get home so that they could spend some time with their kids before they went to bed.
“I can’t wait to see Milo and Winnie,” said Kathleen, wistfully. “I’ve missed them so much.” John turned and smiled at his wife affectionatly, only to be met with her horrified scream. “John look out!”
John Munby swerved to miss the deer, but could not avoid the lorry, that crashed into them seconds later.
“Five times eight is?”
“Forty.”
“Five times nine is?”
“Forty-five.”
“Five times ten is?”
“Fifty.”
The year four classroom of the Summerhill Primary School, chimed with the voices of it’s twenty-four students, as their teacher, Mrs Featherby, fired out questions on the five times table.
As they finished, and were getting their books ready for history, there was a knock at the classroom door.
As he entered the room, the look on the headmaster, Mr Williams, face, told of bad news, without him needing to say a word.
“Winter Munby, could you come with me please?” His voice told of no anger, but as eight year old Winnie got up from her desk, and followed the headmaster out of the door, she couldn’t help but feel slightly nervous. She could feel the eyes of her classmates following alongside her, and she heard their muffled whisperings as she closed the door behind her.
“Alright, quiet now please,” she heard Mrs Featherby say, as she trailed after Mr Williams.
‘What have I done?’ she thought to herself, confused. ‘I haven’t broken the rules, or been naughty. So why did he come and get me.’ Winnie could feel the beginnings of tears, pricking at the corners of her eyes. But she bit her lip and held them back.
As they rounded the corner, towards Mr Williams office, she saw her brother Milo, waiting outside the door, looking just as puzzled as she felt. He smiled when he saw her, and her spirits instantly lifted. Her brother was three years older than she was, and he always looked out for her. No matter what happened now, she could handle it, because her big brother was there with her. She took his hand, and gripped it tightly, as the two of them entered the office, after Mr Williams.
“Please sit down children,” their headmaster said kindly, gesturing the two chairs on the other side of the desk, while he sat down in his own. Winnie was even more confused. He was definitely not angry with them, so why were they here?
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news for the both of you,” Mr Williams continued gravely. “ I know that you do not have any close relatives to tell you, so I thought that it might be best coming from me, rather than a stranger.” He looked from one to the other, his eyes full of concern. Winnie began to get a sense of forboding about the meeting, She suddenly knew that she didn’t want to hear what Mr Williams was going to say next.
“ There is no easy way to tell you this. I’m afraid that your parents have been in an accident. A car accident. They were on their way home, when their car was hit by a lorry. I’m so sorry, Milo, Winter. Your parents were both killed.”
In that instant, Winter and Milo Munbys world shattered beneath them.
I was going to start this in the new year. But during my time away (Five awful days away from IF!), I decided to make a start on it.
Right guys, be gentle with me. This is the first SG that I've put on here, and I almost didn't bother, due to worrying that it would be a complete load of tripe! But I did put it up, and I hope you like it.
The story is based on a novel that I was writing, but got bored of, when I started writing my trilogy instead.
As this is just the prologue, there is no DP. That will start when I get the first chapter up.
Now, I said be gentle, but please be honest. If it's a load of crap, just say so and I will retreat back into the shadows from whence I came!  And I can probably tell you right now, that my grammer is not up to scratch. But I hope you like it. Thanks for reading! 
P.S: I know what you're all thinking about the name Mot. But when I started this as a novel, I promised my brother that I would put an anagram of his name in the book, and this is the character who got stuck with it!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Tue Nov 23, 2010 2:57 pm; edited 39 times in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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1. There's nothing wrong with the name Mot... I actually liked it.
2. I saw no flaws with your grammar, but I did see this: | Quote: | | she couldn’t help be feel slightly nervous |
Should be but. This was the only mistake I found.
3. So far so good. Being a prologue, you can get away with some sparse descriptive details which I thought was the only thing that might have lacked a little. Since Prologues should be short and interest grabbing, you hit it spot on I'd say.
4. I'm interested to continue reading. Mission accomplished!  Ya gotta feel bad for the kids.
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 5:16 pm Post subject: |
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Whoops! Thanks for pointing that out to me Thunderbird!
Sorted!
And thanks for your comment! I am so pleased that I'm better at grammar than I thought I was! 
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 12:14 am Post subject: |
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Excellent start Tikki! Some great tension builit up and 3 scenes swiftly set.
Who would call their kid Winter!
I actually quite like the name Mot though, I guess that means one of your brother's is Tom 
I only spotted one typo... " interupted" is a double r.
Your worries about grammar are, as TB suggests, unfounded. If you do want something to look out for though, it's repetition. Dark for example is used twice in the first lines. And somewhere there's three 'buts' within just a few words of each other, which is a little jarring.
Really just minor points though.
I look forward to Chapter 1
Happy Writing 
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 1:04 am Post subject: |
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I like it. Good content, plenty of hooks to get the reader wondering what's going on.
The only thing I'd recommend is spacing your paragraphs out a little more. In books you can get away with big clumps of text. On a computer screen... not so much.
In terms of the story, I've always liked crossover fantasy. Or urban fantasy. Or whatever it's called these days. Real world meets the supernatural. So I'll be tuning in to read chapter one. 
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 2:56 am Post subject: |
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Thankyou Smee and Stoaty!
@Smee- I found the 'buts' and have changed them. I agree with you on reading it again. Thanks for pointing it out.
And I think the name Winter is pretty. As is Summer and Autumn. The only one that you couldn't really use is Spring, and even then, I'm sure there are those out the who would like it.
And she will be called Winnie most of the way through anyway.
And no, his name is Omt!
Thankyou all once again!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:27 am Post subject: |
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Glad to get a look at this one before it takes off. I also like Winter as a name.
F5 the paragraph spacing comments from Stoaty - there should be a blank line between every paragraph, and that includes every new line of dialogue.
Makes it much easier to read that way.
Looking forward to seeing the start of this storygame.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 11:49 am Post subject: |
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Right, I've tried to space out the paragraphs a bit more. So I hope they are better now. But please let me know if they are still not enough, or if I have done too much.
Thanks for the comment, Crunchy, by the way!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 12:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Looks much better now Tikki
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Tatkret Sos
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| Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 3:43 pm Post subject: |
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Great SG sis! 
I found it very gripping and scary in parts!
Keep up the good work
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Emperor
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| Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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Not much else to say really from all of those who have already written. The prologue was good, portals and creatures with tentacles both grabbed my interest. Keep up the hard work.
_________________
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou, Tats and Emperor, for your comments! It means alot!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 7:48 pm Post subject: |
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SparkleSteps - Chapter 1
Two weeks later
"Not too far now children," said Mrs Smith, cheerfully. But despite the social workers merry disposition, Milo and Winter could not evoke much enthusiasm, into going to live with an uncle, that they hadn't even known that they had, let alone met.
“I don’t want to go,” said Winnie, sadly, “I want to go back home.” Mrs Smith sighed.
“I’ve told you already, Winnie dear, that the house is going to be sold, and the money put into a trust fund for you and Milo, for when you’re grown up, as your parents specified in their will. And even if that wasn’t the case, there is nobody to look after you.”
“But we’ve never met him!” piped up Milo, “What if we don’t like him? Or if he doesn’t like us?”
Mrs Smith, pulled into a lay by, then turned to the two of them.
“Look, guys, this is what your parents wanted. They wanted you to go to live with your Uncle. Now, I don’t know why you have never met him, or why your parents never told you about him. But they loved you both very much, and I don’t think that either of them would send you somewhere where they thought that you would be unhappy.” She smiled at them. “I know that all of this is going to take some getting used to. But it will all turn out alright in the end, I guarantee it.”
The children let the matter drop. Both of them realised that there was sense in what Mrs Smith said, and, though they were still not completely convinced, they felt slightly more at ease with the idea. The deaths of their parents were still raw in their minds, and imagining this mysterious Uncle of theirs took their minds of the recent tragedy, just a little.
About half an hour later, Mrs Smith alerted them that they were nearly at their destination.
“There it is children. That is where you are going to live!”
Milo and Winnie looked ahead. They could see the top of, what almost looked like, a castle, perched high up on a hill, completely surrounded by a dense forest.
“It still looks pretty far away,” said Milo. Mrs Smith chuckled.
“The house itself might be far, but the estate begins……here!” With that Mrs Smith turned the car down a narrow road, and the children saw that they were in front of a pair of enormous iron gates, which were chained shut. Rusted lettering above the gate read, ‘Amethyst Estate’.
“How are we going to get in?” asked Winnie, noticing the chains.
“There’s an intercom. I’ll just let your uncle know that we’ve arrived.” Mrs Smith got out of the car, and walked over to the little metal box, a little piece of technology that looked out of place within it’s surroundings. The stone wall, surrounding Amethyst Estate looked old, and was covered in moss and lichen. Beyond the wall were trees, trees, and more trees, save on the thin strip of road on the other side of the gate.
They heard the social worker talking to someone, through the intercom, then she returned to the car.
“Your Uncle is sending someone to open the gate,” she said, as she seated herself back in the drivers seat. “He won’t be long.”
Ten minutes later, they spied a small, scruffy car, spluttering down the narrow road, towards them. It stopped, and a hunched, ancient-looking man got out, shuffled over to the gate. He was clad in tattered garments, with a black greatcoat over the top, and muddy workboots. The silver hair on top of his head looked unclean, and greasy, as did the bristly moustache, that covered his upper-lip, like a huge, grey slug. The old man took an enormous set of keys from the pocket of the greatcoat, immediately selected one, and unlocked the padlock, freeing the gates of their bonds.
Mrs Smith started up the engine, preparing to drive through the now open gateway. But the man held up a hand, and shook his head. Mrs Smith wound down her window, and stuck her head out.
“What’s the matter?” she called out to him, “I’m here with Mr Addison’s niece and nephew. I need to get through.”
He shook his head again,
“The master says, I’m to take ‘em back up to the ‘ouse,” he answered, in a gruff voice. Mrs Smith looked slightly bewildered.
“I don’t understand. What’s the problem?”
“No problem, mame. He just don’t like strangers pokin’ around on ‘is property.”
Mrs Smith went to open her mouth to argue, but the man stopped her.
“Look, mame, everythin’ has been sorted out, hasn’ it? Papers all been signed? Everythin’s been authorised?”
Mrs Smith nodded.
“Well, yes, but…”
“But nothin’! The kiddies are to come with me. And you are to go ‘ome. Clear enough for ya?”
“But I don’t even know who you are!” said Mrs Smith, clearly furious at being spoken to in such a way. “You can’t expect me to leave these children with you.”
The old man started to looked irritated.
“Is this the address that ya were told to bring the children to?” he barked at her.
“Yes, it is! But that doesn’t…”
“An’ ya did just call through t’ the master, an’ he told ya he’d be sendin’ someone to open the gate?”
“Yes, but…”
“But, but, but! That’s all I’ve ‘eard from you for the last ten minutes! I say again, but nothin’! I am ‘ere. I opened the gate! What more proof do ya need? Now, are ya goin’ to hand over them two kiddies, or have I got to bother the master again?”
Mrs Smith just sat there for a moment. Then, Milo and Winnie saw her sag in defeat. She got out of the car, then opened the door to let them out.
“Come on, out you pop! I’m afraid this is where we say goodbye.” She walked around to the boot, popped it open and took out their bags. Then she led them over to the man. “Right, Milo, Winnie, this is Mr….”
“Mr Dobbs,” the old man said, finishing the sentence. “But everyone at the estate calls me Old Bob.”
“Mr Dobbs is going to take you to your new home.” She knelt down in front of them. “Goodbye Milo, goodbye Winnie. I hope we meet again someday, under happier circumstances.” She stayed there a moment longer, not wanting to leave them so abruptly. But then she got up, and returned to her car. She waved to them as she turned the car around, then she drove off and was gone.
“Come on then,” Old Bob said, stuffing their bags into the boot of the rundown car. “Let’s get ya back up to the ‘ouse. I ‘spect yur ‘ungrey after all that travellin’. The children watched as he came around and opened the back door for them to get in. He gestured, with head, for them to get in the car. They paused for a moment, wary of the strange old man.
“Come on! I ain’t gonna bite ya!”
At that, they clambered in to the back of the car, and Old Bob slammed the door shut behind them, then went to relock the gates, before getting in himself and driving off.
The rest of the journey, to the house, was silent, with the children not knowing whether they should talk, and the old man not wanting to. Milo mouthed to Winnie, asking if she was okay, to which she nodded that she was, sending her golden curls fluttering about her head. But that was all.
Eventually, the mass of trees parted into a wider space, and the house stood before them. Up close, it looked even more like a castle, complete with towers and battlements. Old Bob pulled up, directly in front of some deep set steps, leading up to a huge, oak front door. He got out of the car, and let them out, then went to get their bags.
The two children just stood next to the car, eyes wide with awe, at the sheer size of the place. Everything seemed oversized, like the giant’s house in Jack and the Beanstalk. Enormous bay windows, some with beautifully crafted stained glass. Even the bricks that the house was made from were extra large. Neither of them had ever seen anything like it.
Old Bob started up the steps, carrying their bags. When they didn’t follow, he turned back, frowning.
“I take it ya wanna sleep out ‘ere tonight then?”
The children shook their heads, and trailed after him. When they reached the top, he inclined his head towards the bell-pull.
“Ring the bell, boy,” he said to Milo, “Let old Rosie know that we’re ‘ere.” Milo stepped forward and gave a hard yank on the bell-pull. They heard a loud ‘dong’ echo though the room beyond the door, followed by footsteps. Then the door creaked open, and then children found themselves looking into the friendly, slightly excited face of a young woman.
“Oh, you’re here!” she exclaimed, grasping the two of them in an unexpected hug. “Poor little mites! But don’t you worry. Violet will take care of you now.”
“Where’s Rosie, Vi?” said the old man, frowning disapprovingly at the girl’s excitable demeanour. Violet pointed vaguely, behind her, unable to take her eyes off the new arrivals. Old Bob tutted, and barged through, heading off down the hall, leaving the other three alone.
“Your Uncle is busy right now,” said Violet, apologetically.” He says that he will see you tomorrow. Until then, I’ve been given orders to help you settle in. So, let’s get you up to your rooms, and unpacked.” She grabbed the bags, that Old Bob had left by the door, and the children followed her up a long staircase, carpeted in red. Once they were at the top, she took them down a long hallway, and then into a lovely, bright room. The walls were painted a sunny yellow, and a vaseful of cheerful chrysanthumums had been placed on a light-wood chest of drawers. Despite their grief and worries, the children couldn’t help but smile at their new room. They looked around, while Violet proceeded to unpack their clothes and other belongings, and watching them while they explored. Winnie looked out of the large bay window. There was a rose garden below, and a little way beyond that, was the forest. Between and beneath the mass of trees, the darkness was absolute. Winnie made up her mind, there and then, that she would not be going in there.
Violet finished unpacking their clothes, and went to get them something to eat. She returned about five minutes later with two bowls of steaming, homemade chicken soup, and a plateful of freshly-baked bread, smothered in butter.
“Here you go!” she said, setting the food upon a small table, with two chairs. Milo and Winnie immediately sat down and began to tuck in. Everything was delicious!
When they were done, Violet gathered up the empty bowls and plates, and went to leave, But she paused at the door.
“Welcome to Amethyst Estate. Don’t mind Old Bob. He’s just a big grump! We’re very happy to have you here!” She beamed at them, then left, closing the door behind her.
The children looked around a bit more, checking in drawers and cupboards for any small treasures that might be hidden away inside, and they admired the beautiful books that were lined up on the bookshelf. But soon they began to feel tired. It had been a long day. Their rooms were adjoined, so that, though they each had their own room, they were still close by each other, and now each went to their room, and got ready for bed. Within minutes, they were both asleep.
Milo jumped. Something had woken him. But what? He got out of bed and looked around. There seemed to be nothing out of place in his bedroom, so he went across to the door, opened it, and looked out into the small lounge area, between his and Winnie’s rooms.
All was quiet, but something wasn’t quite right. He scanned the room, frowning. Then it struck him, the window was open. It hadn’t been when they went to bed. He guessed that Violet must have come in and opened it, and that’s what woke him. He was just about to go to bed, when he noticed something lying on the floor, near the window. He walked up to it and saw that it was one of the books from the shelf. He picked it up. It was a selection of Fairy Tales. But what was it doing over by the window?
He went through to Winnies room. His sister was sound asleep. He gently shook her awake.
“Win, have you been up tonight, reading?” he asked her, in a whisper. Winnie shook her head sleepily.
“No. Why?”
He told her what had happened, how he had been woken by something, and came out to find the window open and the book on the floor. Winnie got out of bed, and followed him through to the lounge, and he showed her where he had found it.
“Mabye it was Violet?” she said, yawning.
“But why would Violet come into our room at night, just to read a book?” replied Milo, “And then leave it on the floor! It doesn’t make sense.” Winnie shrugged.
“I’m still tired, Milo. I’m going back to bed.” She turned, and started back towards her own room, but was stopped by a gasp of surprise from her brother.
“Winnie look!” She turned back, and looked where he was pointing. She let out a gasp of her own.
At that moment, the moon had come out from behind a cloud, and the light streamed in through the open window. Where it touched the floor, footprints had appeared. But no ordinary footprints. These glittered,and sparkled, like sunlight on water. There were two sets, one leading from the window to the bookshelf, and another set leading back.
Milo and Winnie followed the footprints leading to the window, and looked out. The same sparkle-steps led across the rose garden, over the grass…and into the forest.
“What are they? How did they get here?” asked Winnie, unable to take her eyes off them, all thoughts of sleep having now left her. Milo shook his head.
“I don’t know Win,” he replied, then he let out another strangled gasp, staring down towards the forest, his eyes wide with shock. Winnie looked down, and bit back a cry.
There, amongst the darkness of the trees, were two gleaming eyes. They shone, bright as stars in a night sky. And their gaze was directed straight at Milo and Winnie.
Okay guys, hope you liked it. I just thought I'd mention Old Bobs accent, just in case any of you thought it was a bit strange. I come from Herefordshire, and the accent that Old Bob has, I tried to copy from my grandad (and just for the record, I DO NOT talk like that, so don't get any images in your head of me talking like an old farmer! I've actually got quite a posh accent! No, really I do!). Hope that helps. And thanks for reading!
Anyway, the first DP *giggles excitedly at the words 'first DP'* is what should Milo and Winnie do? Should they stay where they are, lock and bolt the windows and hide under the bedcovers? Or should they go out and try to find out what the strange creature is, to whom the eyes belong? Or something else? You decide! My SG is in your hands!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Tue Dec 22, 2009 4:47 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 3:33 am Post subject: |
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Hehe, Milo, Winter and Old Bob. Nice names Tikki! lol
Mind you, isn't Milo a chocolate drink?
Anyhoo, one very slight thing here, I'd have liked a bit more of 'ordinary' before the extra ordinary came along. I was rather enjoying the more mundane!
Still, it's your tale!
Mmm, I say their options are limited here. Run or speak to it.
Perhaps they try and speak to it! Though maybe it fades and they wake up thinking they imagined it.
Nicely written Tiks.
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Neil Hartley Books.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 7:52 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comment, C-Ren!
I've never heard of a chocolate drink called Milo. But it is the name of my pet rabbit, which is probably why it came into my head!
And don't worry, there's going to be plenty more of the 'mundane' in the story! But not too much!
Also guys, I forgot to put on the post, that ideas for the character, name and appearence, for the kid's Uncle would be very much appreciated, though that's not relevant to the DP.
Thanks again, C-Ren, for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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I'm liking the first chapter. It's a familiar format, but there's nothing wrong with that, and the action has started swiftly enough to get our attention.
Personally, I think a little conflict would be great. You have two main characters, not one. That means they don't have to agree with each other. Maybe Milo wants to go explore and Winter wants to wait until morning, and talk to their strange uncle about it.
So one goes off and follows the footsteps, one goes back to sleep (or lies awake fretting/fuming at the other). Nice and complicated right from the beginning, that's the way I like it
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 2:34 pm Post subject: |
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You write prose as well as your poetry, Tika! Nicely done. Very... lemmony snicket here but I'm glad to see you're already going off in another direction... was getting worried about cliche, but the benefit of some cliches is that you can dislodge the reader from the expected easier by taking things along a new and unexpected path.
I say just this has blown their minds and frightened them enough that they both try to go back to bed till morning, locking the windows. However, they will want to know more, and will ask around the next day, and do a little exploring at the EDGE of the forest, if nothing else than to familiarize themselves with the area first. They would be too frightened of a dark spooky forest at night to go looking now, especially when an unknown intruder is known to be in there. I suppose they wouldn't be too relaxed at the moment for sleep... reading that storybook together might be a good way to relax and it also might have been the point of the intrusion in the first place- to get them to read it!
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou, Stoaty and Thunderbird, for you comments!
I like both ideas for the DP!
Thanks for setting my mind at rest, Thunderbird, about the use of an accent on Old Bob. I was so worried that everyone would think it sounded silly. But that is how I imagined him talking in my head, so I wanted to get that across to the reader. I just decided to listen to the way that my grandfather talks, and it was quite easy to copy. He's a Herefordshire man, born and bred, and he talks exactly like old Bob! I'm glad, now, that I took the chance!
Thanks for reading, guys! Much appreciated!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Funny... I actually forgot to address that part. Old Bob was wonderful in my book! The accent was not something to be worried about, but something to be proud of. I am personally a fan of differentiating characters with speech patterns. You'll see that I use them in nearly every story I write myself. Just ask Phang... heh heh. His accent was actually one of the best footnotes on this chapter as a whole I think.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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You didn't need to address it directly, TB, to have put my mind at rest. The fact that you said I wrote prose well, and that the accent would have been a part of that (I think, anyway!), and that you didn't mention it being a problem, made me stop worrying about it.
Hope you get this, because I don't know if I do. I'm reading it through now, before I post it up, and it doesn't seem to make complete sense! Oh well, it's probably because I'm tired, and not thinking completely straight anyway. I'll post it up and hope it is okay, and it is just exhaustion making me confused!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Zeke
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| Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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I just breezed through the prologue and chapter one, and I have to say "Well done!" I could learn a thing or two from your writing. It is easy to go over the top with accents, but your use of the accent was both consistent and sounded authentic. It really differentiates the Old Bob.
Speaking of which, perhaps Old Bob would be a good one to seek out. He's been around, right? He knows about the house. Of course, Violet is a whole lot less creepy and probably knows her way around, too. Either one. They might have some historical insight to offer.
Perhaps this kind of thing has happened before?
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 4:53 am Post subject: |
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Well, it's too spooky for them to go straight into the forest, but if they wait until morning, they might not discover what happened - and it may never happen again.
Examine the footprints and the book. See what makes the footprints sparkle. Are there any crumpled pages, or perhaps more sparkle to suggest why the creature wanted the book. It may give them a clue as to what's out there in the forest, and why the book has been left there.
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Tatkret Sos
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| Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 5:11 am Post subject: |
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Well, first off very good first sg sis!
They should definatly not go into the wood in the middle of the night because thats the sort of thing that stupid people do in horror films! However, it would make it more exciting to read!
I think they should shut and bolt all of the doors and hide under the bed covers and then explore the forest in the morning when they can actually see!
Yes very lovely names Tikky! and I think you've captured the herefordshire accent very well! when you read it out looud it does actually sound like our grandad! hehe
Anyway keep up the good work! 
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 10:16 am Post subject: |
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Thanks Zeke, Crunchy and Tats for your comments and suggestions!
I'll take suggestions for a couple more days, then I'll put up the poll!
Thanks again, for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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Right, christmas day has officially started, marking my two month anniversary at IF!
So, despite the fact that there probably won't be many votes at the moment, I've put up the poll, to mark the occassion!
Thanks everyone, for your imput!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2010 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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Right, I know it's only been a week, but I am closing the poll. I'm dying to get a new chapter up, though I'm sure, once I get to about chapter four, or something, I won't be quite so impatient! (I'm a Sagittarian, the most impatient of fire signs, I can't help it!)
But please, if a week is just not long enough, someone just come and give me a slap on the hand and tell me to behave myself!
Hoping to have the next chapter up over the weekend. Thanks for voting guys! I'll try not to disappoint!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 12:13 am Post subject: |
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Impatience takes over again! I've managed to finish the next chapter! Hope it's okay!
SparkleSteps – chapter two:Part 1
The children froze, unable to drag their gaze away from the shining pair of eyes, which stared steadily, and unblinking back at them. Then, they suddenly disappeared.One moment they were there, and the next they were gone. Milo and Winnie broke free from their trance. Immediately, Winnie rushed forward and slammed the window closed, and locking it firmly afterwards. She turned back to Milo, who hadn’t moved, her eyes still fearful.
“Wh…what was th..that?” she stuttered, pressing back against the locked window, as if scared that if she were to move away, that they would open up again. Milo shook his head, his gaze still fixed on the spot where the eyes had been, waiting to see if they gleaming orbs would reappear.
“I don’t know Win,” he replied, shakily, “I really don’t know.”
“And how did it get up here?” she continued, her voice trembling on the edge of hysterical, “And how did it get the window open?” And…” Milo had placed his hand over her mouth.
“If you keep talking so loudly, you are going to wake the whole household,” he said quietly, but firmly. Still not removing his hand, he continued. “I don’t have the answers to any of your questions, Win, so it’s pointless asking them. And I don’t know about you, but going out in the middle of the night, to search for some, is not something that I am too keen on doing.” She shook her head. Milo gestured to the book and the footprints. “Why don’t we just check those out. See what we can find out from them. Okay?” He waited for Winnie to nod her agreement, before he finally took his hand away.
They approached the evidence, and squatted down on the floor next to it. They examined the footprints. They were human in shape, and fairly large. They still sparkled, and Milo gently ran his finger across one. The glitter, that transferred onto his fingertip, seemed like it didn’t even exist. It had no texture or substance, it was neither powder, nor dust, nor anything else. His finger had left no mark on the footprint, and, when he rubbed it between his fingers, he found that, though the glitter transferred onto his other fingers, it didn’t come off the original. He tried wiping his hand across his pyjama bottoms, but the same thing happened. Though there were now streaks of glitter across his right trouser leg, it still remained on his fingers.
“It doesn’t come off!” he said, futiley rubbing his hand on the carpet, succeeding only, in smearing more of the seemingly endless glitter on to it. He looked at Winnie desperately. “What am I going to do?”
“Try washing it off in the sink,” she replied, pointing towards his bedroom, where there was an en suite bathroom. Milo got up and ran to the sink and turned on the tap, dousing his hand in the water. But to his horror, that didn’t help either. He scrubbed at it with soap, but to no avail. The glitter was not coming off. And now the soap and the sink were both covered in the stuff too.
“Violet’s not going to be too pleased, you know,” came Winnie’s voice, from where she stood, behind him in the doorway. “when she sees all of this mess.”
“Oh my god! I didn’t even think of that! What are we going to do? What are we going to tell her?” He ran a hand through his hair, in frustration, only to realise a second later, that it had been the one with glitter on it. “Oh, no, no, no!” he cried, turning to the mirror. Clearly visible against the dark blond hair, was a long streak of silver sparkle. He clapped his hands over his mouth, to stifle a scream. He turned back to Winnie.
“Look at my hair! I can’t have glitter in my hair! I’ll look like a girl!”
Winnie, despite the nights shocking events, began to giggle.
“It’s not funny, Win!” Milo hissed loudly. But that just made her worse. “Winnie, stop it! This is serious! What about when we start school? I’ll be a social reject!” Winnie said something, but was laughing so much, that the words were indescernible. “If you would just stop for a moment, I might be able to understand!” continued Milo, huffily.
Nearly weeping, from her mirth, Winnie managed to stifle her giggles, long enough to repeat herself.
“You’ve got it across your face now too!”
“What!” The mirror confirmed what she had said, and while he looked at himself, in horrified silence, Winnie continued to guffaw in the doorway. Listening to her, at first, made Milo angry. But before long, the beginnings of a smile twitched at the corners of his mouth, and eventually, he let out an exasperated chuckle. Soon he was laughing just as much as she was.
After a while, they both calmed down. Milo reached out, and streaked a line of glitter down Winnie’s nose. She gasped in shock, then gave a short burst of laughter.
“Come on,” said Milo, heading back towards the lounge. “Let’s have a look at that book.”
The book was where they had left it, on the floor by the window. Careful to stay well clear of the footprints, Milo picked it up.It too was covered in glitter, though these were hand prints. But he figured that, seeing as his hands were already covered in it, that it didn’t matter.
The title on the cover read, ‘Fairy Tales of Amethyst Estate’. He read it out loud to Winnie.
“Amethyst Estate?” she said, puzzled. “But this is Amethyst Estate. These are fairy tales about this place?” Milo shrugged.
“So it would seem,” he replied, tracing one, unglittered finger across the shining, gold letters on the cover. Then he opened the book. They did not read any of the stories, mostly just looking at the pictures. There were a few portraying the house, in which they now resided. But most were of the forest, and the creatures, good and bad, that dwelt within, all with strange names, like the Grottbiler, a troll-like creature, who lay in wait for dryads, and undines. It would capture them with sticky gunk, that it spewed out of it’s cavernous mouth, then drain them of their power and lifeforce, leaving just a withered corpse. Both children shuddered, as Milo read it aloud.
They were nearing the end of the book, when a particular illustration caught both their eyes. The picture portrayed a disgusting-looking monster, by the name of The Veeka, with numerous eyes, and long, spidery legs. Where the mouth should have been, there was a sharp beak, like that of an octopus, and like an octopus, the creature had tentacles. Dozens of them, and, in the picture, all were reaching towards it’s enemy. Even in a simple illustration, the enemy of the Veeka, gave off the aura of a warrior. Clad in gold armour, which shone and glinted, even in the darkness of the forest, and holding aloft a spear, intricately patterned, also in the purest gold, he faced the beast. His hair shone like the sun, and a bejewelled mask protected his face. As he looked at it, it seemed to Milo, that the picture almost came alive. He could almost hear, in his ears, the roar of the beast, and the howling battle cry of the warrior.
“Isn’t he amazing!” he exclaimed to Winnie.
“What do you mean, ‘Isn’t ‘he’ amazing’?” she said, looking puzzled, “It’s a girl, isn’t it?” Milo turned back to the picture, and sure enough, on further examination, he saw the womanly curves, and the full lips, that protruded from below the mask.
“So it is!” he replied, slightly embarressed. “I wonder why I didn’t notice before. He looked to the title of the story. “Tianna the Skylan, The Great Warrior of the Elves.”
“What is a Skylan?” asked Winnie. Milo shook his head.
“I have no idea,” he replied, closing the book. Winnie was about to protest, but he got there first. “We’ll look at it again tomorrow, okay? We’re going to be totally wrecked in the morning, if we don’t get some sleep.”
They got to their feet, and Milo replaced the book on the shelf, then went to make sure that the windows were securely locked. He didn’t want any more uninvited visitors. Winnie yawned, as she watched him. He turned to her and sighed.
“What am I going to do about this?” he said, pointing towards the glitter on his face and in his hair. Winnie smiled sleepily.
“I don’t know. Pray for it to be gone by morning?”
“Well, I’m sure that will work!” Milo replied, sarcastically, to her suggestion. She giggled, and then headed off to her room, bidding him a drowzy goodnight.
“Night, Win,” he said back, before returning to his own room, hopping into bed, and falling to sleep, pretty much immediately. He spent the night dreaming of tentacled monsters, great warriors, and shining footsteps.
The next morning, Milo was woken by someone poking him in the ribs. He groaned, partly from the fact that he was still tired, due to their little excursion, and partly because it hurt. He blinked, and squinted at his attacker.
“Win, stop it!” he whinged at his sister, who sat on the edge of the bed, jabbing him with a pencil.
“I just thought that you might like to know that the praying worked,” she said, desisting in her torment. Milo sat up in be, his sleep-crumpled face puzzled.
“What are you talking about?”
“The glitter. It’s gone!” announced Winnie. Milo’s brain began to focus, and he remembered the events of the night before. He looked at her, with hopeful shock.
“Really? It’s gone?”
“Yep!” replied Winnie, “And I’ve been reading more of this book too. There are some really nasty stuff in that forest. I think we should make a pact, right now, to never go in there. Hey, where are you going?” Milo had jumped out of bed, and raced across the room to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror, and saw that that glitter had, indeed, disappeared. He tore through to the lounge, and saw that the footprints were gone too. He breathed a sigh of relief. Now Violet would not find out, and he would not have to go through life with a shock of glitter in his hair, and smeared across his face.
“Woo,hoo!” he whooped with joy, and did a cartwheel across the room. Winnie watched, clearly amused by his antics.
“So,” she went on, “What about this pact?”
“What pact?” he replied, breathlessly. Winnie sighed, and rolled her eyes.
“Do you ever listen to me?” She repeated what she had said to him about the forest. He looked a little peeved.
“Why did you read it without me?” he demanded, “I thought we were going to look at it together.”
“You never said that we had to read it together,” she replied, “And besides, I wasn’t going to wait for hours, for you to decide to get up. I’ve been up two hours already, and you’d still be asleep now, if I hadn’t woken you.” She looked triumphantly smug, and he was just about to retort, when the door opened, and Violet walked in, carrying a breakfast tray, upon which was perched two bowls of porrige, dotted with chocolate chips, a plate of toast, and two cups of tea, with milk and sugar on the side.
“Morning you two!” chirped Violet, cheerfully, “Hope you’re hungry, because Rosie’s gone all out for you this morning.” She placed the tray on the table, as the children sat down, and began to consume their little feast, with obvious enjoyment.
“That’s it, get stuck in,” said Violet, laughing. “And when your done, go straight, and get bathed, and dressed. Your Uncle is waiting downstairs to meet you. And he’s got an appointment, so he won’t have very long. So do hurry.”
The children stopped eating for a moment, taken aback by Violets words. They had completely forgotten about their Uncle, amidst their plans to try and find out more about the creature from the night before. Violet, who was having a quick tidy-up, stopped what she was doing, when she noticed that they were no longed eating.
“What’s the matter?” she asked, “Do you not like your breakfast?”
“No…I mean yes, it’s great,” replied Milo, “We had just forgotten about meeting our Uncle today, that’s all.” He paused a moment, and scooped up a spoonful of porridge, and stuffed it into his mouth. “What is he like?” he went on, when he had swallowed his mouthful.
“Your Uncle?” said Violet. Both children nodded. Violet smiled, then chuckled. “Don’t tell me, you’re afraid of your own Uncle?”
“I’m not afraid,” replied Milo, a little affronted by the word. “I just want to know what to expect, that’s all.” Violet chuckled again.
“Well, pardon me, my little Lord of the Manor,” She did an elaborate bow before him, making Winnie giggle. “ I shall not dare to accuse you of being afraid of anything ever again.” She laughed when she saw Milo go red, as a beetroot. “I’m just messing around, Milo. Don’t take everything so seriously! And as for your Uncle…” She winked at the two of them. “You’ll just have to wait and see.
As much as the thought of meeting with their Uncle, made both Milo and Winnie feel anxious, the thought of making him wait, and suffering the consequences, whatever they may be, was enough to make them hurriedly finish their breakfast, and rush off to get ready. Within twenty minutes, they were announced presentable, by Violet, and were following the cheerful, young housekeeper out of the door.
A feeling of dread, in the pit of each of the children’s stomachs grew with every step that they took. Violet led them down the red-carpeted staircase, and turned left, towards a pair of elaborately carved wooden doors. The carvings depicted the sun, on one door, and the moon on the other, and all around them were fairies, dryads, fauns and centaurs, all dancing. The carvings were so detailed, that it seemed to the children, that they might come to life at any moment.
Violet reached out and grasped both of the ornate doorknobs in her hands, and opened the doors.
“Your nephew and niece are here to see you sir,” she announced as she did so. For a moment there was silence, then a deep voice, from an unseen source answered.
“Enter.”
Violet pushed them both into the room, as both of their legs seemed unwilling to respond, unless it was to give into the urge to run back to their room. Milo turned and grabbed Violets sleeve, as she turned to leave.
“Violet, what is my Uncles name?” he asked, his voice shaky. Violet patted him on the shoulder, reassuringly.
“Don’t be so nervous,” she soothed, looking at Winnie too, “What do you think that he’s going to do? Eat you for breakfast? Now, come on, don’t be silly!” She gave him another soft push, then bent down and whispered in his ear, “And his name is Jeremy, but everyone calls him Jem.” She winked at them, then exited, closing the door behind her.
They stepped forward, cautiously, looking around the room for the source of the earlier voice, but they could see no one. Then Winnie caught a movement, from out of the corner of her eye, and she, unable to help herself, let out a small shriek. Milo gave a start, and turned, just in time to see a large shadow remove itself from the wall.
A tall man stood before them, slim and elegant. His face was stern, but slightly shocked at his niece’s response. But despite his steely countenance, the children were taken aback by his resemblance to their mother. The same golden waves adorned his head, falling past his shoulders, and ending nearly halfway down his back. He had the same shaped mouth, and the same bright, breathtakingly blue eyes.
Bravely, Milo stepped forward, holding out his hand towards his Uncle.
“Hello, Uncle Jeremy. I’m Milo, and this is my sister Winter.” He gestured towards his sister. “It’s very nice to meet you.”
His Uncle just looked at the offered hand for a moment, then took it in his own. A flicker of a smile passed across his face, though it was gone as quickly as it came.
“Likewise,” he replied, in the deep voice that they had heard answering Violet earlier. “But don’t call me Jeremy, I hate it. Call me Jem. Please take a seat.”
Milo nodded, and he and Winnie sat down on a long emerald green sofa. Jem sat opposite them, in a huge black velvet armchair. At first, nobody spoke, Milo and Winnie not knowing what to say. But their Uncle sat regarding the both of them intensely, as if drinking in every detail, especially Winnie.
“My god, you look just like your mother,” he exclaimed, quietly, to her. Winnie blushed crimson, but still managed to answer him.
“So do you.” That same flicker of a smile appeared and disappeared, on his face, once again, at these words. Then he cleared his throat.
“I just wanted to see you, to meet you, of course, and to make sure that everything is to your liking, and to see if there is anything that you need or want.” He looked at them both, questioningly. For a moment, Milo considered telling him about the creature, from the night before, but decided not to. He had almost convinced himself that it had all been a dream, and that Winnie had had a very similar dream, by pure chance. He didn’t want their Uncle to think that they were a couple of idiots.
“Everything is fine, Uncle Jem,” he replied, “And I can’t think of anything that we need. Except…”
“Except what?” Jem looked curiously at him.
“Is it okay if we explore the grounds?”
“Oh, of course,” came the reply, “Go where you like. Just stay out of the forest. If you get lost in there, it’ll be nigh impossible to find your way back out again. Is that all?” The children nodded. “Well then, if you will excuse me, I have a meeting to get to.” He cleared his throat again, and looked a little awkward. “I hope that you will both be very happy here.” Then, without even a goodbye, he turned and walked out of the room.
A few moments later, Violet walked in, and ushered them out.
“There now, was that so bad?” she teased, as they wandered back up the stairs. Both children shook their heads, but they weren’t really taking any notice of the housekeeper’s chit-chat. Instead, both of their thoughts were focused upon the day ahead of them, a day of exploration.
Right, I've edited in the last part of this section. Sorry, but this is an extra long chapter (something that I hope not to make a habit of writing!). It's in two parts, the second part should be with you by this evening, or by tomorrow afternoon, and the DP with it.
Also, I think that mabye I recognise the term Skylan, but I don't know from where. So if anyone else recognises it, could they please let me know, so that I can change it. Thanks!
And thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Wed Jan 13, 2010 10:13 am; edited 3 times in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 2:32 am Post subject: |
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Actually guys, change of plan. I've had another idea for a DP, but it'll take a little time to sort out. The proper DP will be up by tomorrow hopefully!
Sorry for being a pain!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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SparkleSteps - Chapter 2:Part 2
Within an hour, the two of them had escaped the confines of the house, and were wandering, at their leisure, around the rose garden, complete with a bag of equipment, that Milo thought would come in useful, mainly a torch, and snacks, in case they got hungry.
They saw Old Bob pushing a wheelbarrow of garden rubbish, and called out a greeting to him. He merely glared at them, and went on with his business, grumbling inaudibly as he did so. They continued on too, feigning interest in the different roses, but really just wanting a good view of the outskirts of the forest, into which the creature had disappeared. Though he had tried to convince himself otherwise, Milo knew that the events the night before had happened. And scared as he was, of both the forest and the creature that dwelt within it, his eagerness to know more, was almost overpowering.
He soon decided that if they stayed where they were, his curiosity would get the better of him. He glanced towards Winnie, who was also taking an avid interest in the dark mass of trees.
“Shall we go and explore somewhere else?” he said, “The estate is enormous, and we’re wasting time here, looking at the flowers. Plus, I think that Old Bob wants us out of his hair.” He looked over to where the grounds keeper was pulling up potatos, and, every so often would stare over at them, his eyes flinty and cold. Winnie agreed, and they strolled off around the side of the house, away from the old man’s steely glare.
For a while, they found themselves in well-tended garden after well-tended garden, just a mass of perfectly mown grass, and symetrical flowerbeds. They were starting to get bored, when Winnie pointed excitedly to an dirt path, near the forest. They scampered off towards it, stopping at it’s beginning, to look around first. The path was very close to the forest, but a little way down, the trail curved away from it. That was good enough for them. They had been told not to go into the forest. Uncle Jem had said nothing about playing close to it.
So off they went, Winnie skipping and bouncing enthusiastically ahead, while Milo, at a more leisurely pace, took in their surroundings. The undergrowth, on either side of the path, was tangled and twisted, and had obviously not been tended to in a long time. The sparse trees, were overgrown with ivy and moss. Milo ran his hand down the trunk of a particularly overrun oak tree. It looked like it was being choked, by the tangled mass, that invaded it.
He was brought back, from his daydreams, to reality, by the sound of Winnies voice, calling him.
“Milo, come quickly! Look!”
He sprinted, down the path, towards her voice. But was stopped in his tracks, by a sea of the longest grass he’d ever seen. It reached nearly to his shoulder, and grew thickly, and close together. He couldn’t see Winnie anywhere. He looked around, and was just about to call out when…
“BOO!” Winnie jumped out of the grass, a few feet away. Milo let out a very unmasculine scream, causing Winnie to burst into hysterical laughter.
“Don’t do that!” was all that Milo could think to say, then, with an exasperated huff, he turned away from her. She continued to roll around on the floor, in fits of giggles. “Violet won’t be very pleased, when you get back, covered in dirt,” he added as an after thought, as he looked out across the grass ocean. It seemed to go on forever, but they would have to cross it, unless they wanted to go back to the boring tended gardens.
“Come on,” he said, stepping into the dense vegetation. Winnie picked herself up of the floor, brushed herself down, and followed him.
The grass was long, and it was hard to walk.. The soft, green fronds brushed against their arms, as they waded through. About half way across, Milo stopped, exhausted.
“Why doesn’t someone cut it?” he grumbled to himself, “It’s like trying to walk through sand! Come on Win!” he called back to his sister. He turned, and found that she was nowhere to be seen. “ Winnie?” he called out, feeling slightly paniced. She had been there a moment ago, he was sure of it. There was no reply. “Winnie!” His voice had evolved into a near-scream by now.
“What?” came his sisters voice, some ten yards ahead of him. A moment later, her head popped out of the sea of grass, looking at him questioningly.
“What are you doing over there?” said Milo, relieved that she was okay, and slightly peeved at her for worrying him in the first place. “And what were you doing, down there in the grass? I didn’t know where you’d gone!”
“It’s easier,” she replied simply.
“What do you mean, it’s easier?”
“It’s easier to crawl through the grass, than to walk through it. Walking was making me tired. And it’s fun too! It’s like a tunnel, and there’s all sorts of stuff lost in here. Look!” She put her hand into the large pocket, on the front of her dress , and drew out a handful of items. But she was too far away, for Milo to see properly.
“Wait there a moment. I’ll come over to you,” he said. He started to walk through, then remembered his sisters suggestion, and got on his hands and knees, and began to crawl towards her instead.
When he reached her, he stood up, and brushed himself down.
“You’re right, that is much easier!” he said, looking down at her, grinning sheepishly, a little embarressed that he had not come up with the idea himself. She grinned back, then held her laden palm out to him, so that he could inspect her treasures. She had assembled quite a collection.
“Lets sit down, and we can spread them out on the ground, and get a better look,” suggested Milo, and Winnie nodded. They sat, where they were, in the grass, and Winnie placed her newly aquired hord on the ground between them.
They picked through, examining the different objects. Most of it was pretty much useless junk, like the bottletops and old fishing hooks, and a rusty, old key. But some were wonderful. There was a little ring, made of just silver and nothing else, but the intricately detailed weaving pattern, was a thing to be marvelled at. There were also neumerous earrings, mostly were just one of a pair. There was one with a huge green stone set in it. Milo wondered what the stone might be. He knew that emeralds were green, but this one was not the right hue. This stone was more of a grass-green. He decided to look it up later.
The last object was found to be the most interesting. It was a locket. When the dirt and grime had been wiped from it’s surface, the children saw that it was made, yet again, of silver, with the same elaborate weaving pattern as the ring. A large, deep-purple amethyst was set into the very centre of the perfectly round pendant. Milo tried to open it, but found that it was too clogged up with muk. Winnie, who was watching eagerly, looked disappointed.
“We’ll wash it off when we get back to the house,” said Milo, “Mabye then we’ll be able to open it.” He gathered up Winnies treasure and handed them back to her.
“Keep them safe, and we’ll give them all a good clean later.” He said, as he watched her stuff them back into her pocket. “You know, there is an awful lot of jewellery,” he went on, “I mean, what is it doing here, in the grounds? It’s like someone dropped a jewellery box out here, and never bothered to pick it up.” Winnie just shrugged and smiled. He threw her a look of disapproval, at her lack of curiousity. “Come on. We’d better get going, if we want to explore the whole place before dinner.”
He stood, briefly, just to see which direction to head in. Then the two of them continued, on their hands and knees, through the dense vegetation. Winnie had been right, it was like a tunnel, and before long, the two of them had forgotten about exploring the grounds, and were playing a cross between hide and seek, and tag, though they couldn’t go very fast when crawling. For the first time, since their parents deaths, they forgot about everything. Time seemed to stand still, and there was only them, playing and having fun, and laughing together.
Neither of them had any idea, how long they had been playing, when Winnie suddenly stopped, and sat up.
“Do you hear something?” she said, knowing that Milo was ahead of her somewhere.
“Like what?” came his voice, from somewhere in the mass of green.
“Like…water. I think I can hear water!”
Milo listened, and sure enough, there was a steady, gurgling noise, coming from somewhere to his right. He stood up, closely followed by Winnie. On looking around, they found that they did not recognise any of their surroundings, that they were in a completely new part of the grounds. They were very close to the edge of the grass ocean. Milo looked to see if he could see the house anywhere, and spotted the tops of the towers, above a cluster of tall trees. It didn’t seem too far away, much to his relief.
“It’s coming from over there!” Winnie exclaimed, pointing towards a huge weeping willow tree. She disappeared below grass level, and popped up a minute later on the very edge. She stepped out, and went tearing off towards the sound.
“Winnie, wait!” Milo called out to her, before following suit. But, by the time he had emerged from the grass, she was nowhere to be seen.
“Winnie, where are you?”
“I’m over here. Quickly, Milo! It’s wonderful!”
He rushed towards the excited voice of his sister, passing by the great willow. He soon found where the noise was coming from. A deep-looking stream, gushed past, the trees branches dipped into the bubbling flow.
When he spotted Winnie, he gasped. She was stood beside a beautiful waterfall, grinning at his obvious surprise. Though the waterfall was not huge, it was still impressive. The water fell from around ten feet above them, glittering prettily in the sunlight as it did so.
Milo continued towards Winnie. Her eyes shone with excitement.
“That’s not the best part,” she declared.
“What’s the best part?”
She said nothing, but took his hand and led him closer, till they were level with the waterfall. Then she pointed. He followed the path of her finger, down behind the cascade, and then he saw it. A cave!
“Oh my God! I wonder what’s in there!” he exclaimed. There was even a narrow pathway, to gain access to it, though it did look slippery. But the pull of curiousity was stronger than his wariness, and he stepped onto the it.
He had been right. The path was slick, with water and moss. He made his way carefully across, gripping the rocks in front of him, though these were not much better than the stone beneath his feet. He was nearly at the end, when he noticed Winnie had followed him.
“Be careful Win, for Gods sake!” he said, as he reached his destination. But she was doing the exact same thing as he had been, and was soon alongside him, at the mouth of the cave. They grinned at each other in the darkness. Milo pulled his torch out of his bag, and switched it on.
“Ready?” he said to Winnie.
“Definitely!” she replied immediately.
“But no running off in here, okay?” In answer, she took his hand, and, together, they entered the cave.
At first there was nothing more than rocks, the same as the ones outside the cave. But the cave was far deeper than they had first imagined, and on turning a corner, they beheld an amazing sight. Amethysts! Thousands of them!
“Wow!” The two of them echoed each other, as they looked around in awe. They were surrounded by thousands of glittering purple gemstones, the light from the torch bouncing off each tiny facet. The roof of the cave reached high above them and the amethysts covered this and the walls.
“I don’t think that I have ever seen anything so beautiful!” gasped Winnie, reaching out and running her fingertips over the sparkling jewels. Milo nodded in agreement, unable to speak. He shone the torch in front of them, to see if he could see the back of the cave. But the tunnel rounded a corner, and continued. Though he was prepared to go on, Winnie’s curiousity had reached its end. She tugged on his sleeve.
“I don’t think we should go in there Milo,” she said quietly, “Not by ourselves. We might get lost.”
“Not if it doesn’t branch off,” argued Milo, “If it’s just one long tunnel, there’s no way that we could get lost.”
“But it might not be that sort of cave, Milo,” Winnie replied, nervously, “Please, I don’t want to go in there. Why don’t we ask Violet about it later. Mabye she will come here with us tomorrow.”
Milo looked a little put out, at not being able to continue his exploration of the amethyst cave, but the pleading look in his sisters eyes softened him, and he nodded.
“Okay, Win, we’ll wait. I guess that we could ask Violet about the cave. Or Old Bob. He looks after the grounds, so he’s bound to know how deep the cave is.” Winnie hurriedly agreed, wanting to leave, before he changed his mind, though she was still dazzled by the beauty of the cave.
They headed back towards the house, chattering away, about their find. They reached the main garden and made for the tree house, set in a large oak tree in one of the gardens.
For a while they continued to discuss the cave. But soon they found themselves talking about their parents.
“I wonder what we would all be doing right now, if it hadn’t happened,” said Winnie, wistfully. Milo shrugged.
“I don’t know,” he replied, “I guess that would depend on whether they were at home or away.” He sighed. “Probably the latter, in which case we would be stuck with Mr and Mrs Bunch.” His voice was bitter, as he remembered all of those days spent with their neighbours, instead of their parents. “Not that much different to now really.” Winnie’s bright blue eyes filled with tears.
“Yes it is Milo! It is very different! They might have gone away a lot, but we always knew that they would come home! We always had that to look forward to! Now we know that we will never see them again!” She sniffed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “I don’t like you talking like that about them.” She began to sob, drawing her knees up to her chest, and burying her face in them. “I want my mum and dad back!”
She heard her brother come over, and sit beside her. He put his arm around her.
“I’m sorry Win. I didn’t mean it.” She heard a quiet sniff, and knew that, he too, was crying. “And I want them back too.”
They didn’t want to go back to the house straight away. They sat, Winnie cuddled up to her big brother, sharing their grief, only with each other. For those moments spent together, it felt like there was nobody else in the world, except for the two of them.
By the time they decided that it was time to go back to the house, it felt like they had been there for days, though it had only been a couple of hours. Milo got down first, then helped his sister. He smiled down at her, as she landed on the ground next to him.
“Okay now?” he asked. She nodded, and smiled back at him. Then she wrapped her arms around his waist, and they hugged for a moment.
“What’s that?” Winnie said, as their embrace broke apart. She pointed towards the tree, and Milo looked. There was a large nook in the trunk of the oak, and there was something tucked inside.
“I don’t know,” he replied, looking puzzled, “But I’m sure that it wasn’t there when we got here. Surely we would have noticed it!” The object was easy to see, but they could not make out what it was, from where they stood. They approached, and Milo reached in and grasped it with both hands, and pulled it out of the nook.
Sorry about the length of this chapter! I'll try and cut it down next time.
Okay, the second DP is what is inside the nook? And ideas for who might have put it there would be appreciated, though that is not part of the DP. Let's hear your ideas!
Thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Tue Jan 12, 2010 9:25 am; edited 1 time in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 10:36 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, so, yeah, long chapter.
But it was interesting and vivid and I got a clear picture of their day of frolicking among the tall grass.
The note could mention something about being miffed that they stole the jewelry from field... or it could be a letter from their parents... or it could be a plea of help from the faerie people. Just some ideas.
I hope others pick up on this chapter... though long, its worth the read.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 12:48 am Post subject: |
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Again, I read it during the christmas break and never got time to respond. Sorry about that Tikki - and sorry to all others who wrote during the holidays. It happened a lot 
Anyway, I think the note should be in rhyme. Something with a riddle, perhaps. Something to lure the kids on to a meeting point, or a clue, without giving away too much about the writer of the note. Kids love puzzles. Whether good or evil, it would be a great way to snare Winter and Milo in
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 2:09 am Post subject: |
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A beautiful chapter. Enchanting! Some of the dialogue I thought was very good, they're talking in just the way children would, and the sequence with the glitter that woudn't come off was very good.
I am fascinated by the jewelry, and the amethyst cave, and also intrigued as to why they haven't yet found the source of the green jewels on the ear-rings.
That the door described just before they met their uncle was reminiscent of fairy tales suggests that Jem knows a lot more than he's letting on for the moment, and although it is a well-used device, the 'don't go into the forest' bit just adds to the intrigue of this story. Well done!
I think the object in the nook is a box of some sort, with a keyhole in it. Winnie has found a rusty old key, so it maybe the lock into which it fits.
Good stuff there, Tiks!
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 3:30 am Post subject: |
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Nicely done Tikki!
One point:
| Quote: | | He knew that emeralds were green, but this one was not the right hue |
They seem impressively knowledgeable about jewels! I can't remember how old they are, but I'm not sure they'd really have seen so many emeralds that they'd know this wasn't one. And would they know the names of the stones in the cave?
That niggle aside, it was an excellent chapter.
As for the DP: I'd say it was a coin, put there by groundskeeper Willie... er, Old Bob. It's an ancient tradition, set a silver coin to catch a gremlin. Or something.
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Neil Hartley Books.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 3:41 am Post subject: |
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Thankyou very much, Thunderbird, Stoaty, Crunchy and C-Ren, for your comments and your DP ideas!
As for the kids knowledge about crystals, C-Ren, I'm just going by what I knew at that age really. But I'm a bit of a geek when it comes to crystal healing, and that sort of thing!
I just thought of the most basic of crystals, amethyst, Emeralds,Rubies, diamonds e.c.t, and then just happened to pick emerald. But it is a valid point, definately, as not all kids would know.
Other than that, it's all good, so I'm pleased! Thanks again for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 9:52 pm Post subject: |
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Delightful. Your story takes elements from classics such as The Secret Garden, Peter Pan, or The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, and popular children's books such as A Series of Unfortunate Events, and blends them into a new creation that is your own. If you continue this way it could mature into a tale which is rich in detail and multi-layered.
There is also much promise for our protagonists because the death of their parents and the new world they must face will undoubtedly transform them. What is exciting from the perspective of storygaming is the process of transformation: both what it will be, and how much influence the readers will exert.
To begin, it appears that already both siblings had to face the transformative decision of choosing whether to explore the grounds or not. It was a given that they would; otherwise we wouldn't have ourselves an adventure. Thus, it was not a particularly good decision point, but it did have an effect on their personality. For example, we notice that the sister had vowed not to go into the forest, but then she is the first to dart ahead into the perils. Normally I would criticize this sudden turn of events, but because they are children there is an extra element of unpredictable mood swings. Moreover, when they are facing the option of exploring the cave, she grows afraid, which demonstrates that despite her bravery and curiosity, she is still in some degree as fragile and scared as when she was looking out the window and making the vow. The embers of her old persona still smoulder inside her. Thus the swing in personality is not as abrupt as it would have been otherwise.
When it came to the cave, the readers were not given the choice of whether to explore or not, which sheds some light on how much the author is willing to relinquish control. I think that perhaps the best approach here would be to create neutral characters with few traits, and then allow readers and participants to slowly add traits and create a personality that guides the actions of the protagonists. This way the environment they live in would be fixed, and the only unpredictable element would be the characters themselves. Rather than construct the rules of the game around the character, let it be the latter who must adjust to the laws of the setting. It would be like allowing a child to play inside a sandbox without distorting the entire setup. But then again, these are my theories on storygaming that I am promoting, and this might not be the ideal place to display them.
The prologue didn't drive me crazy. It was too foreboding. It reeked of bestseller and Da Vinci Code. It was effortlessly cheap. And it was unnecessary because you immediately followed it with another prologue of sorts, which was the death of their parents. On the whole it wasn't terrible, but it also wasn't great.
I think this is all I have to say for now. To sum up my overall impression: Vibrant, flexible, and intriguing. Good job.
As for the DP: Inside they find the key to unlock the amulet they found.
P.S. Old Ben is the most believable character, probably 'cause he's modeled on your gramps. Also, I wonder what this mysterious uncle knows and what he has planned... hmm.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Jan 10, 2010 1:54 am Post subject: |
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Thankyou very much D, for your comments!
I'm putting the poll up in a couple of days, so if anyone else has got any ideas, get them in quick!
Thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 7:20 am Post subject: |
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Ok - caught myself up!
A few typos and spellings to watch out for, in particular 'hungry' - you spelt it 'hungery' several times.
As others have said, this is an intriguing story, filled with cliche but twisted into new directions. I personally find the dialogue a little silly at times, with the reactions over exaggerated beyond what even young children would do.
For example :
| Quote: | Milo let out a very unmasculine scream, causing Winnie, too burst into hysterical laughter.
“Don’t do that!” was all that Milo could think to say, then, with an exhasperated huff, he turned away from her. She continued to roll around on the floor, in fits of giggles. |
I can imagine the hysterical laughter - that's good! But the 'roll around on the floor' was too much. It lost me there. I suspect you did it to allow the comment about getting in trouble with Violet, but it was a little forced. If you could find a more genuine reason for her to be getting dirty on the floor (perhaps she'd crouched down to more effectively hide and scare Milo) then it could still work out.
I've highlighted a couple of typos that happen to be in the example too.
It's definitely not a big thing though, and it might just be me considering the praise from the other commenters.
In general the relationship between brother and sister is very sweet, and if I was the kind of guy to read into things, I might think there's some hints here that you would quite like to have had an older brother yourself when you were growing up - to both tease and be comforted by.
~
DP wise... this is a meta dp, not the kind I like myself, but it's a personal preference, nothing bad.
The idea about a riddle is good, as is something to open the locket. I'll throw in the idea of another copy of the Fairy tale book that was on the floor last night - but this one has some subtle, and maybe scary differences!
Happy Writing
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 9:28 am Post subject: |
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Thanks Smee, for your comments!
I've looked over it, and tried to correct all of the spelling mistakes. The dialogue, I have not changed, but I will try and look out for it, and tone it down a little in future chapters.
And it's far too much fun, being the bossy older sister, to even dream of having an older brother!
Thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2010 7:41 am Post subject: |
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Poll is up guys!
Thanks for all of your ideas!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2010 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Strangely enough, I found the coin put there by Old Bob the most alluring option. I think it would be a good opportunity to get Old Bob, already one of the best molded characters, involved in the tale. Moreover, it would allow him to explain the magical nature of the manor to the children and add some pause and intrigue to the story.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 10:34 am Post subject: |
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Poll is now closed, guys!
Starting the next chapter tonight, so hopefully I'll have it up in the next couple of days! Thanks for voting!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:19 pm Post subject: |
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SparkleSteps – Chapter Three
The object was wrapped in a red velvet cloth, and tied with a thick, gold brocade ribbon, of an elaborate design of fairies and flowers. The children knelt down on the grass, and Milo proceeded to untie the ribbon, and free the item from its bonds.
It was a book. Thick and leather-bound, very much like the ones on the shelf in their lounge. The cover was a deep rich purple, with inlaid gold writing and illustrations. The title though, unlike the other books, was in a language that Milo had never seen, nor heard of, let alone that he could read. A complex jumble of swirls and shapes, but still clearly writing, all the same. He puzzled over it for a moment, then opened the book.
Winnie stayed perfectly quiet throughout his inspection, and continued to do so now, as her brother slowly turned the pages. The writing inside the book, was the same as the front cover, but the illustrations were only too well known, to the children. They were identical to the one that their intruder had left on the floor, the night before.
They passed the story of the Grottbiler, and the other scary creatures that they had read about. Then they came to where the story of Tianna and the Veeka had been. But in this book, the pages were missing. All that was left was a few torn edges, to show that they had existed. Milo pointed them out to Winnie.
“I wonder if that is what the creature was looking for last night?” He frowned, as he thought about it. “But,” he went on, “the story about Tianna was only a couple of pages long. There are...” He counted the ripped edges. “... eight pages torn from this book.” He turned to Winnie. “What came after Tianna’s story?”
Winnie shrugged.
“I can’t remember, “ she replied.
“But you read the whole book again, this morning. I didn’t. We stopped, last night, after we read about Tianna and the Veeka. Now think, when you read it this morning, what came after.”
“Oi! What are you kiddies doin’ over there?” came a gruff voice, from behind them. They turned to see Old Bob striding, determinedly towards them. “Get up off that grass! Gettin’ grass stains on your clothes, makin’ work for poor old Rosie!” As he neared them, he spotted the book. “What ya got there?”
“It’s just a book,” Milo replied quickly, as Old Bob reached past them, and picked it up. He held the book in his hands, and glared down at the cover. For a moment, he said nothing. Then his stony expression redirected to them.
“Where’d ya get this, boy?” he demanded, in a dangerously calm, quiet voice. Milo gulped, trying to figure out what to say.
“We brought it d..down,” he said, finally, “f..from our room.”
The old man’s face turned red, with unspoken anger, which he then proceeded to unleash upon the boy before him.
“Don’t lie to me, boy!” the old man bellowed, his face like thunder. He grabbed Milo by the arm, in a vice like grip. “Now tell me, where’d ya get it!”
“You’re hurting me!” said Milo, trying to pull himself from the old man's grasp.
“And I’ll continue to do so, if ya don’t tell...”
“What’s going on, out here?”
They turned to see Violet running over to them. She forced Old Bob away from Milo, then held the frightened boy to her, as she turned back to the old man.
“What do you think you’re doing!” she cried, stroking Milo's hair, soothingly. “They’re only kids, you big bully! Leave them alone! They’re not doing you any harm!”
“They had this!” Bob held up the book, which Violet glanced at, then returned he glare towards him.
“You did this, because they were reading a book?” she said, in disbelief. “For God’s sake Bob! Pull yourself together! I know you’re not used to having kids around, but that is going too far.” She reached forwards, and snatched the book away from the old man’s grip, and handed it to Winnie. “And you can bloody well give that back too!” She ushered the children back towards the house. “Off you go. Your lunch is ready. It’s up in your room.”
The children walked away, glancing over their shoulders, every now and then, to where Violet was still berating Old Bob. Winnie clasped her brothers hand, and looked up at him, her expression concerned.
“Are you okay?” she asked, watching her brother rub his arm, where Old Bob had held him. He flashed her a small smile, and nodded.
“Thank God Violet came over when she did,” Winnie went on. “I thought that he was going to...”
“I know,” Milo replied. He looked back, at Violet's continued scolding of the old man. “I wonder why he got so angry?”
“Because he’s a weirdo! ” Winnie replied, “We should tell Uncle Jem! He’ll be sorry then!”
“No Win, leave it, for now. Violet seems to be doing fine on her own.” Despite his recent scare, he chuckled. “I don’t think that we’ll have much to worry about while she’s around. And besides...” He reached down and took the book from Winnie's hands. “At least we’ve still got this!”
They went up to their room, and, as tempting as it was to examine the book further, they abandoned the idea, in favour of the bowls of stew, that sat, steaming and smelling divine, upon the table.
Violet came in, half way through their meal, looking a little flustered, but triumphant. She went straight to Milo, upon entering, and demanded to see his arm. She tutted at the five small, round bruises left by Old Bob’s fingers digging into his flesh.
“Stupid old goat!” she exclaimed, in annoyance, giving Milo his arm back, so that he could continue eating. “Surely that can’t all have been about a book? Not that there is any excuse for what he did, but you must have done something more than that?” She looked at them, questioningly.
“He did tell us to get up of the floor,” piped up Winnie, between mouthfuls. “He said we’d get grass stains on our clothes.”
“That’s just as ridiculous a reason as the book,” said Violet, frowning. “Don’t know what’s got into the silly old bugger. Where is that book anyway?”
Milo pointed towards his bedroom, and Violet went though, coming back with the book in her hands. She sat down on one of the chairs, and looked at the cover. For a moment, she retained her puzzled frown. But then, almost like a light had been switched on in her head, the frown melted away, to be replaced with a look of shocked understanding.
“Where did you get this?” she said, in a near whisper, not taking her eyes away from the book.
“From the bookshelf” replied Milo, deciding to stick to their earlier story. But Violet shook her head.
“No Milo, the truth, please. I’m not going to be angry, just tell me where you found it.” She looked up from the book, looking slightly desperate. “Please tell me!”
“We found it, in the tree,” said Winnie, earning her a glare from Milo. “Someone must have put it in there, while we were in the tree house, ‘cause it wasn’t there when we went in. Are we in trouble?” Violet smiled, and shook her head.
“No, sweetheart, you’re not in trouble. I just needed to know, that’s all. Everything makes more sense now.” She stood, tucking the book under her arm, and started to gather their empty dishes. Milo and Winnie watched, as the made for the door.
“Why are you taking the book?” said Milo, “Can’t we have it? It’s just a book!”
“We’ll see,” was Violets reply, “I’ll have to show it to your Uncle, then he’ll decide whether it’s okay.” Then she went out, and strode off down the hall.
“Wait here a moment,” Milo said to Winnie. Then he slipped out the door after her.
Winnie did as she was told, all the while wondering what he was up to. He returned, about ten minutes later, a triumphant grin on his face.
“I saw where she put the book, and later, I’m going to get it back.” He went over to the book shelf, and took down the original fairy tales book.
“Milo, no,” said Winnie, “We could get into trouble, especially if Violet or Old Bob tells Uncle Jem.”
“They won’t know,” Milo replied. “I’ll go and get it, when everyone is asleep, and when we are done looking at it, I’ll put it back. No one will be any the wiser.” He grinned smugly, and, settling himself on the sofa, he opened the book. “Now to find out what was on those other pages.” He flicked through, until he reached Tianna’s story. He turned the page and...
“Nothing,” he said, blankly. “There is nothing!” He counted through the blank sheets of paper. “There is not even another eight pages!” He searched for any tears, when the pages may have been removed, but he found none. He looked up at his sister, who remained sat at the table. Winnie merely shrugged.
Milo threw the book down, in frustration, and sat glaring, with his arms folded across his chest.
“Stupid old man!” he grumbled, “If he just kept his big, fat nose out of other peoples business, we’d still have the other book!” Winnie said nothing, slightly nervous of her brother's sudden change of mood. He turned to face her. “And you! Why did you tell her that we found it in the tree? If we had just stuck to the story, we might have been able to keep it!”
“She knew that you were lying, Milo,” replied Winnie, clearly upset by the outburst. “And besides, I thought that you said that you were going to go and get it later?”
“I want it now!” ranted Milo. Winnie just stayed where she was for a moment, then she got up and ran to her bedroom, and shut the door.
Milo knew that he was being unfair to her, and that he should go and apologise, but he retained his bad mood, and instead of doing the right thing, he continued to sit and stew.
He woke up, hours later, still sat on the sofa.
“Must have fallen asleep,” he mumbled to himself. He looked towards the window. It was dark outside, the moon shining brightly, in the star-filled sky. He turned towards Winnies room. The door remained closed. He felt a little bad then, about how he had treated his little sister.
Looking at the clock, where it hung on the wall, he saw that it was nearly ten o clock. He wondered if it was late enough to snoop around, to try to get the book back. He doubted it, but he was itching to take another look at it.
He walked carefully over to the door, trying his best not to creak the floorboards. He opened it, just a crack, and looked out into the dark hallway. There was nobody around. Violet's bedroom door was closed, and there was no light coming from beneath it. So, he decided, she was probably already in bed. Other than that, Milo had no idea who might still be up and about.
His stomach grumbled, and he briefly wondered why Violet hadn’t woken them for dinner. But the thought soon left him, as he made his mind up that he was going to take the risk, and go and get the book.
He opened the door fully, and crept out. He stopped and listened, just outside, to see if he could hear anything. There was nothing, so he continued on, past Violet's door, and to the top of the stairs.
He peered down over the banisters. There was no light on in the hall below, and all, as it was upstairs, was quiet. He could just see the carved doors of Jem's study, and they, like Violet's door, were closed.
He, slowly descended, pausing every couple of steps, to listen for movement. When he reached the bottom, he took one last look around, and breathed out a quiet sigh, of relief. He’d made it practically half way. The book was in a dresser, opposite him in the hall. His bare feet made little sound, as he made his way, quickly, over to it.
He opened the centre drawer, and there it was. He picked it up, and the gold writing glinted strangely, though there was no light to reflect upon the gilded surface. He hugged it to his chest, as he stole back across the hall.
He made his way back up the stairs, much in the same way he had descended, keeping aware for any noise, or movement. He, once again, reached the top, and returned to his room. He flashed Violet's room a final glance. It remained dark, and the door shut. He closed his own door, and smiled triumphantly to himself.
“I did it!” he exclaimed, under his breath. He looked down at the book, gleefully. “Now to try and discover your secrets.”
He sat down on the sofa, and began to turn the pages. He looked at the now familiar pictures, studying them intently, trying to spot anything unusual. It suddenly occurred to him to get the other book, so that he could compare the two of them. He got up and placed the new book, open, on the floor. Then he went, took the other from the shelf, and laid it down in the same way. Then he sat down, cross-legged, before them, and proceeded to turn the pages, comparing each for any differences, no matter how tiny. But, page after page, the only difference was the language in which it was written.
He reached the pages where Tianna's story was, and where it should have been. He gazed down at the figure in golden armour, painted so intricately upon the page.
“Why was your story torn out?” he asked the figure. “What was so important about you Tianna?”
Suddenly, the window, which was locked and bolted, threw itself open. Moonlight streamed into the room, touching the pages of the open books. There was a flash of light, and Milo watched as a strange glow passed across the new book. Tendrils of the magical light, reached out to the other book, and then entered it. Milo watched, with astonished eyes, as the figure of Tianna the warrior, turned her graceful head, and looked directly at him.
With a gasp of shock, he backed quickly away from the shining books. He couldn’t believe what was happening, didn’t understand what was happening. He pressed against the wall, as hard as he could, as if, if he wished it enough, he might pass through into the room on the other side.
Then, as he watched with utter fear, a hand ascended from the book, closely followed by an arm. Then another. Milo squeezed his eyes closed, then opened then again, hoping that the vision would be gone. But it remained, and still more appeared. A face, covered in a bejewelled mask, a torso clad in pure gold armour. Shapely hips and long, elegant legs emerged, until a shimmering, life-sized image of Tianna, the Skylan warrior stood before him, looking down at him with the irises of the most incredible blue, surrounded in gold, where there should have been white, with thick, dark lashes.
Tianna reached up, and removed the mask, revealing a face of such beauty, that Milo didn’t even know existed. Her shining locks cascaded over her shoulders and down her back, more brilliant than the armour she wore. Her full lips parted, and she began to speak.
“Do not be frightened child,” Tianna said, in a soft voice, “I will not harm thee. ” Milo didn’t move or speak, still too much in shock to do either. The figure waited for a moment, for a response. But, when she got none, she continued on. “I will not waste time. A sister of mine, here in your world, is in danger. She needs your help.” Milo managed to find his voice.
“M..my help? How c..c..can I help her?”
“You, of the Allington bloodline, swore long ago, that you would help us, if and when we needed you. We need you now. I do not have time enough to tell you more. Soon I must go.” Her eyes bore into him, with such intensity, that he felt like she was staring into his very soul. “Will you stay true to the word of your ancestors?”
“I...I don’t know,” replied Milo, trying to make sense of it all, inside his head. “I don’t know what I can do. I’m just a kid.”
The figure looked puzzled for a moment.
“A kid?” she questioned, but waved it aside almost immediately, “It doesn’t matter what you are. You and your sister are the only ones who can help.”
“What about my Uncle? He’s an Allington too and...”
“We gave up on him a long time ago,” Tianna interrupted, “He failed us once before. He will not get the chance to do so again.”
Her eyes burned with an intense anger. She pointed a long, elegant finger out of the window and towards the forest.
“My sister awaits you. If you decide to help, find her, and pledge your allegiance to her cause. If you do not, you shall be a failure to us, as your Uncle was before you!” She bowed to him. “The choice is yours, child of the Allington bloodline. Choose wisely. I bid you farewell.”
With that, her beautiful form, began to melt back into the book. The last thing Milo saw, were those gorgeous eyes, still gazing at him, before she disappeared, and the light with her, leaving him alone once again, with a big decision to make.
Okay, DP is very similar to the first, what does he do now? Does he do as Tianna requests, or not? Does he tell Winnie? It's all down to you! Thanks for reading! Hope you like it!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Mon Mar 15, 2010 12:34 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:29 am Post subject: |
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Okay, change of plan, again!
Instead of another two parter, which was the original idea, I've decided that I have a perfectly good DP to use anyway. So I've edited it in, and await your thoughts!
Thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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This chapter introduced many new elements, but the mixture of them is somewhat perplexing.
First we have Bob's agressive reaction: does this mean he has orders to keep an eye out on the children and prevent them from getting entangled in the magical world of the manor, or was his reaction his own initiative-- does he have his own agenda? But if the first is true, who is giving him orders? If it were the children's uncle, why didn't he forbid them to explore on their own in the first place? Besides, judging from Violet's explanation, it seems as though the uncle may willingly let them participate in this magical world.
Secondly, we have Milo's weird affinity for the "evil" book and his spiteful accusations against his sister, which reminds me of the effect that the ring in LOTR had on almost everyone it encountered. How it will cause Milo to behave is still a mystery, but it doesn't seem to be a positive influence.
Then we have the coming alive of Tianna from the book. It seems that if the two books are placed side by side, they have the power to bring its characters to life. It's likely that whoever placed the "evil" book in the tree for the kids to find knew this would happen. Thus, we should be aware that Milo is being manipulated. Perhaps it is Tianna herself who engineered everything to find herself alone with Milo; it's especially relevant that she is a beautiful "woman" and Milo a boy in the age of puberty. Her presence is sinister, especially because she obviously is very angry at the uncle for his previous failure-- the demands are very high, apparently. She didn't ask for Milo's help very graciously, instead she demanded from him, with accusing undertones, to fulfill a promise; a debt. But at least she didn't force him into anything.
I think Milo will accept. He doesn't have the character or maturity to realize he is being manipulated, and both Tianna and the power of the "evil" book have too much allure to resist. There is hope, however, that because Tianna had to leave, that in the meantime either Violet or Milo's sister will figure out what happened. I especially like the sister, I think that she will ultimately save Milo. Maybe she, too, will join the adventure because she wants to protect her brother and be with him.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 5:06 am Post subject: |
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There's a little history between Milo's family and Tianna's world that clearly, Milo needs to know about. I sense that Violet's reaction at finding the book (And old Bob's) suggests that what Tianna perceives as Jem's 'failure', translates to some very bad experience that neither Violet or Bob want to see repeated.
Tianna has not threatened Milo with anything if he doesn't honour his ancestors' pledge, other than the knowledge that he'll be a failure in Tianna's eyes. So Milo can walk away from this right now if he wishes.
I agree with D that Milo is not the type who will shy away from adventure. We've seen evidence of that. But he is feeling bad about his sister right now, and he'll have to clear the air with her, and then convince her of what he saw.
If he's to have any chance of success he'll need her support, either at his side, or to cover for him while he's away. If he doesn't, he'll have a hard time even getting started.
So - my suggestion is to convince Winnie that (a - that his meeting with Tianna wasn't a dream, and (b - that she'll support him in any way she can.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 5:10 am Post subject: |
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Well, they'll go for it of course! As they pointed out themselves, they are kids. Kids think they're immortal anyway, and it's exciting. I don't think we need think more than that really.
Mind you, they may try to recruit Violet somehow, as an ally.
Nice chapter Tikks!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 5:06 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou D, Crunchy, and C-Ren for your comments and suggestions!
I'm kinda itching to get the next chapter up, so I'll leave it open for suggestions for a couple more days, then put up the poll.
Thanks for reading!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tatkret Sos
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| Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 7:32 am Post subject: |
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At last I've read it!
Great start to the book sis! I thoroughly enjoyed it!
I think the others have suggested very good ideas
I think he should have a snoop around the house because he knows that his uncle failed them once before, so maybe he could find something else about the mystical being Tianna. Milo should then hopefully persuade Winnie to help him and they could then explore the forest together, and yes maybe Violet could be some help too!
Also, just to be a little different, he could go it alone!  Winnie or Violet could find out and they could go out looking for him!
Last edited by Tatkret Sos on Tue Feb 02, 2010 1:43 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 1:37 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comment, Tats, and with that.....the poll is up!
Thanks for all of your imput guys! Get your votes in!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 9:34 am Post subject: |
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I am closing the poll in a couple of days, so if there are any more votes, please get them in soon.
And be warned, I've got a feeling this is going to be another mega-long chapter, possibly a three-parter!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 8:24 am Post subject: |
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Poll is now closed!
I'm in a writing-sorta-mood, so I should hopefully have the first part up by tomorrow evening, possibly even tonight. And then hopefully, all of it up by the weekend!
Thanks for voting!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 9:56 am Post subject: |
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SparkleSteps – Chapter 4: Part 1
Milo could not sleep that night. He tossed and turned, the image of Tianna always before his eyes, whether they were open or closed.
Finally he just lay back, and thought hard about the decision he would have to make. The thought of entering the forest, though it had intrigued him from day one, also filled him with fear, made worse by the imaginings of the creatures that could be living inside the darkness. If the book was anything to go by, he couldn’t see himself lasting for very long anyway, so how much help would he be, even if he chose to go?
“But,” he said to himself, in the quiet of his room, “if I was of no use, surely, she wouldn’t have asked me to do it in the first place.” He frowned, as he thought. “Although, she could be evil, and she might want me to go inside, just so that I will get hurt.” His started to picture images of flesh-eating witches, and sabre-toothed monsters, and the like. He gave his head a sharp shake. “Stop doing that! Pull yourself together!” The image of Tianna floated into his mind, once again. He shook his head again. “And that! You need to think about this, without any distractions.”
Morning had begun to break, before Milo finally made a decision. He would accept ‘Tianna’s Quest’, as he now called it, and he would go into the forest, to find and help this sister of hers. ‘And hopefully’, he thought to himself, ‘I will be able to convince Winnie to go with me.
His mind felt lighter, now that he knew what he was going to do, and allowed him to feel how truly exhausted he was. He snuggled deep into his pillows, and slept.
Someone shouting his name, followed by a sharp poke in the ribs, awakened Milo sometime later. He opened his eyes to find Violet standing over him, looking furious. Instantly, he knew the source of her anger, and he could have kicked himself. The book! He’d left it on the floor, forgetting about it, in his state of shock and confusion.
“I’m really sor...” he began, but Violet cut him off.
“I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry Milo! Why did you do it? I told you that I would have to get your Uncle's consent, before allowing you to have it, but did you take any notice? No, of course you didn’t! Did it occur to you what kind of trouble I might get into, all because you wanted your own way? I’m betting, not for a second!”
Milo listened to her rant, in shocked silence. He felt ashamed. He hadn’t, for one moment, thought about Violet, and what Uncle Jem might do if he found out. He might sack her, then who would be there to look after him and Winnie, and to keep Old Bob off their backs?
Violet finished, and stood panting, waiting for a response.
“I’m sorry,” Milo said, simply because he could think of nothing else to say.
“Why did you take the book, Milo?” Violet repeated, in a calmer voice.
“I just....I just wanted to look at it”, he replied, not actually sure why he had been so desperate to get it back.
“That’s your excuse? You just wanted to look at it?” Violet's voice began to sound shrill once again, and Milo hurridly tried to explain.
“I don’t know why, Violet. I just...sort of...needed to look at it. I had to.” He shrugged hopelessly, unable to think of any other way to illustrate how he had felt at the time, but it seemed to be enough for Violet. Her face changed from one of anger, to one of concern.
“Milo, nothing...happened last night, did it?”
Milo stared at her, not knowing how he should answer. He did not know whether he should tell her about Tianna, or not. What would she say?
“What do you mean?” he said, to buy himself some time to decide.
“Did you...see anything...unusual?” There was a desperate look in Violet's eyes that made him feel uncomfortable. ‘She knows about all of this’, he thought, to himself, ‘She knows about Tianna.’ At the thought of being forbidden to carry out the Skylan warrior's request, he decided to keep quiet.
“No, nothing happened,” he replied, innocently. Violet looked at him disbelievingly for a moment, then she went through to the lounge area. Through the open door, he saw her pick the purple book up off the floor. Then she turned back, and looked at him.
“I hope that you are not lying to me Milo,” she said, quietly. Then she walked, out of his view, and he heard the door close.
Milo got out of bed, and peeked into the lounge, to make sure that she had gone. She was nowhere to be seen, and he breathed a sigh of relief. She had left breakfast on the table, porridge with chocolate chips again, but it had gone cold, during the interrogation. He ate it anyway, though it wasn’t as enjoyable as it had been the day before. He noticed that Winnie’s bowl was empty, and her bedroom door was, once again, closed. Obviously, she was still avoiding him.
He felt awful. After all that they had been through, he couldn’t believe that he had treated her in such a way. They only had each other left, and he had been wrong to make her suffer, all because he wanted the book, and couldn’t have it. He would make it up to her somehow.
He finished his breakfast, and then went to bath and dress. When he came back out, he went up to Winnie’s door, took a deep breath, and knocked. There was no reply, so he knocked again. Still nothing.
“Win?” he called out, “Win, please answer me. I’m sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. Please forgive me. Win?”He put his ear to the door, and listened. He could hear no movement on the other side. He tried the door knob, and the door opened.
He peered inside. Winnie wasn’t there.
“Win?” he called out again, just in case she was in the bathroom. But there was still no answer. “I wonder where she is?” he said to himself, quietly.
He closed the door, and went to look out of the window, thinking that maybe she might be out in the garden. It was a beautiful day, the sun shone brightly in a pure blue sky. Old Bob was pulling up weeds, in one of the many flower beds, sweating from the work and the heat. But Milo could see no sign of his little sister. But then, as they had found out the previous day, the grounds of the estate were vast. He decided to go and look for her, and thought that he might check out the forest border while he was at it.
He grabbed his torch, and left the room, racing down the stairs, running headlong into Violet, in his haste.
“For goodness sake Milo!” the housekeeper grumbled, bending down to pick up the basket of washing, that she had been carrying, but was now scattered around the floor, at her feet “No running in the house. You nearly knocked me flying!”
“Sorry,” Milo said, helping her to gather the split washing, “I was looking for Winnie. Have you seen her?”
“She headed out to play, a long time before you were even out of bed. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you had had some kind of disagreement. Poor little soul looked very sorrowful, when she was eating her breakfast this morning. Barely said two words.”
Milo went red with shame, and Violet frowned, knowingly.
“I thought as much. Well, you’d better go and find her, and say sorry. Last time I saw her, she was hanging around the rose garden, but that was a while ago, and she’s not there now. You’d best ask Old Bob. He might have seen her.” Milo looked horrified at the prospect of asking Old Bob anything, but Violet’s expression was stubborn. “Well, off you go.” He hesitated, then headed out the front door.
Old Bob was still weeding the same flower bed. He looked hot, and his usual grumpy self, and Milo found himself unable to approach him, remembering what happened the last time they had met. Instead, he made his way over to the rose garden, deciding to begin his search there.
As Violet had said, Winnie was no longer in the rose garden, and Milo didn’t have a clue which direction she may have gone in. He headed down, towards the forest, thinking that he would have a quick poke about, around the edges, before he went anywhere else.
But he had barely reached it, when he heard someone yelling at him, to get away. Old Bob was striding over to him, looking furious.
“You ‘ave bin told t’ stay away from there! So try doin’ as you’re told for once!” Milo backed a few steps away, as the old man reached him. “Get goin’! You’re not to go in there, understand?” Milo nodded, and after a final warning glare, Bob turned and headed back the way he had come. “Oh, and if you’re lookin’ for your sister,” he called back, “I think she’s up in the tree ‘ouse.”
Milo waited till the old man had disappeared from sight, then breathed a sigh of relief. He had got out of that one unscathed, and now he knew where Winnie was. He remembered their conversation in the tree house, the day before, and how upset Winnie had been, and it made him feel even worse about how he had treated her. He headed around the other side of the house, and then down, towards the oak tree.
As he approached, he could hear her humming quietly to herself, from inside the wooden structure. He went around to the entrance.
“Win,” he called softly, “is it alright if I come up?” The humming stopped, and there was a pause. Then he heard her answer quietly.
“Okay.”
He clambered up the oak , using the foot and hand holds carved into the immense tree. He found Winnie sat in the centre of the tree house floor, surrounded by wild flowers and ivy, making a wreath. He remembered their mother showing them how to make them, and a lump came to his throat at the memory.
Winnie turned to him, as he pulled himself inside. Her eyes were red, like she had been crying, though she wasn’t now.
“I’m so sorry Win,” he said, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, and I hope you will forgive me. Please?”
Winnie placed the wreath on the floor, as her face broke into a smile, and she went over to her brother and hugged him tightly. He hugged her back.
“Is that a yes?” he said, with a chuckle. Winnie nodded, but didn’t let go. Evidently, she had been miserable on her own, and wanted nothing more than to have her big brother back. When she finally pulled away, she was still beaming at him, though a few stray tears had escaped her eyes too. Milo wiped them away, with his sleeve.
“What are you crying for, silly?” he said, affectionately. Winnie shrugged, and laughed. “Come on,” Milo continued, “Lets head back to the house. I’ve got something to tell you.” She nodded, and, leaving her wreath and flowers, to come back to later, they descended the oak, and wandered back up to the house.
As they passed the flower beds, they noticed that, though his wheelbarrow and tools were still there, Old Bob was not. Fleetingly, Milo wondered where the old man might be, but the thought was gone an instant later. They entered the house, and were just about to go upstairs to their room, when the sound of raised voices reached their ears. They found that it was coming from Jem’s study, and the voice was obviously that of their Uncle. The study door was open a crack, and, though they knew that they could get into serious trouble if they were caught, curiousity overcame them, once again, and they could not resist a look.
They peeked through the crack in the doorway. There stood Violet and Old Bob, and before them, with his back towards the door, was Jem. And Jem was not pleased.
“You have both behaved unacceptably,” he berated them, in a low, but dangerous sounding voice. “Probably couldn’t have been worse! You!” He pointed to Old Bob. “Making so much fuss about it! There’s no way that they will forget about it now. They will keep poking around, looking for things. Milo has already shown he’s that way inclined, and I’m sure Winnie would be only too willing to follow him! And then you,” he said, turning to Violet, “after all that, you give it back to them! And then, when you do come to your senses, you allow Milo to see where you've hidden it!”
“I didn’t kno...”
“Well, you should have known, Violet!” Jem's voice raised, slightly, making the young housekeeper flinch. “It is your job to know! I don’t want those children to know about the forest, or anything that dwells within it. And if something, from inside that forest, tries to contact them, in any way, it is up to you to find out. Now it’s too late!” Jem sounded defeated, and he slumped into his black, high-backed armchair. “What are we going to do?”
“They may have tried Sir, but there’s nothing to say that they succeeded in contacting the children. Milo said...”
“He’s lying.”
Violet knelt down beside Jem, and looked up into his face, “Sir, maybe if you should just tell them everything. Maybe they will understand the danger. Maybe they will just...stop.”
“Maybes Violet,” he replied softly, “Maybes are not good enough. When it comes to that other world, you need certainties, otherwise they will break through any barriers, that you try to put up.” He sighed deeply. “I need to think. You are both dismissed.” He waved a hand towards the door, and the two of them hurried to leave.
Milo and Winnie backed away from the door, and the two approaching figures, on the other side.
“Quick! We’ve got to find somewhere to hide!” Milo hissed at his little sister.
Okay, here's part one, sooner than I anticipated! Parts two, and possibly a part three will follow soon. I hope you like it! Thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Mon Mar 15, 2010 12:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 2:34 pm Post subject: |
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SparkleSteps – Chapter 4: Part 2
They looked around madly, trying to spot somewhere that they could conceal themselves, until the other two had passed. Milo spotted an open door, and dragged Winnie inside the room beyond, just as Violet and Old Bob exited Jems study.
The children listened and watched, through the slightly open door. The other two argued, quietly, with each other as they walked across the hall.
“This is all your fault, you stupid old goat!” they heard Violet hiss at the old man. “Why didn’t you tell me what it was in the first place?”
“I would ‘ave, if I coulda got a word in edgeways!” Bob retorted. “Mouthin’ and trappin’ away! You tell me, ‘ow was I supposed to tell ya anythin’ with you goin’ on like that?”
Violet simply made a huffing noise, and strode off towards the staircase, which she proceeded to climb, while Old Bob headed out to the garden, in an equally sour mood.
Milo and Winnie waited, until they were sure that they had both gone. Then they breathed sighs of relief.
“That was close,” said Milo quietly. Winnie nodded, in agreement. “We had better try and sneak back out and go upstairs,” he continued. He peered out, into the hall, to make sure that the coast was clear.
“What was Uncle Jem talking about Milo?” Winnie looked up at him, questioningly.
“I’ll tell you when we get to our room. I don’t want anyone to...”
“Who’s there?” The voice, that interrupted him, was soft, and gentle, and sounded a little nervous. They turned, and at first they couldn’t see the owner of the voice. They saw that the room they had hidden in, was the kitchen. A big table was situated in the centre of the room, with two sturdy benches, one on either side. Then they saw her.
In the corner of the room, was a large, flowery armchair, and seated in it was an elderly woman. She looked small, and frail , with long, white wavy locks. She looked nearly directly at them, yet she called out her question once again.
“Who is it? Who’s there?”
After a short pause, Milo answered.
“My name is Milo,” he answered, “This is my sister Winnie. Sorry, if we’re not supposed to be in here, we just...got a bit lost.”
The old woman gasped, and her hand flew to her mouth.
“Oh my! You’ll be little Kathleen's children! Of course there is nothing wrong with you being in here! I just wish you hadn’t taken so long!” She removed her hand, and beamed at the children. “I am Rosie Finnagan. I am the cook, here at the estate.” She gestured for them to come closer. “Come, come! I want to know what you look like.”
They walked over to her, feeling a little shy. As they got nearer, they both gasped quietly. Rosie’s eyes were pure milky white.
“You’re blind,” Milo exclaimed. Rosie beamed. The smile lit up her face, and, despite her years, made her look utterly beautiful.
“Can’t get nothing past you can I?” She replied, with a chuckle. “Why do you think I wanted you to come closer?” She reached out in their general direction. “Come, dears, don’t be frightened. What do you think that a poor old blind lady is going to do to you?”
Hesitantly, Milo took the offered hand, and found himself being pulled, gently, towards the old lady. She reached up, and touched his face with both hands, running her fingers across his nose, his mouth, his eyes, as if drinking in his features with her fingertips. He watched her face, as she did so. There was something strangely familiar about that face, and her voice. But he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. It was like trying to remember something from a dream, knowing that the information was there inside his head, but not being able to access it.
“You’re not like your mother, are you child?” she said, her voice breaking his chain of thought, as she touched his dark hair. “No, not at all. But a handsome lad, all the same.” Milo blushed at the appraisal. Winnie giggled quietly, the first noise she had made since they had discovered Rosie. The old lady reached out, in her general direction, at the noise.
“You knew our mother?” said Milo. Rosie nodded, placing her hands back in her lap.
“I did, child, back in the days before I lost my sight. I used to take care of your mother and your uncle, when they were children, same as Violet does for you now.”
She suddenly looked sad, as if remembering caused her pain. But she gave a small shake of her head, and the smile returned, and she beckoned once again, with her hands, to Winnie.
“Now you,” she said. Winnie hesitated, but at a look from Milo, she stepped foward. Rosie did the same to her as Milo, touching each facial feature, forming a picture in her mind. She let out a soft gasp.
“Now this is Kathleen all over again,” she whispered, “Same nose, same mouth, same long eyelashes.” Winnie beamed with pleasure at Rosie’s words. The old woman caressed the long curls that fell around Winnie's shoulders.
“I’d be willing to bet, that these curls are the colour of golden corn,” she exclaimed quietly.
“Yes,” replied Winnie. Though she couldn’t see her, Rosie looked directly into Winnie’s face.
“Beautiful child, just like your mother.” She held Winnie's hands in her own, and smiled warmly at the little girl before her.
Both of the children wanted to ask more questions about their mother's childhood at the estate. But at that moment, the door opened, and Violet walked in, with a basket full of fresh vegetables.
“Rosie, I got the stuff that you asked for...” Violet's words trailed off, as she noticed the children. “What on earth are you two doing in here?”
“Uuuh...we...uuh...wanted to explore...the house, and we wandered in here,” Milo said, quickly. “And we met Rosie.” Violet sighed.
“If you wanted to look around the house, you should have asked me to show you. There are places here that you are not allowed. The kitchen being one of them.”
“They didn’t mean any harm, Vi,” Rosie said, gently, “and it was nice to finally meet them both.”
“Yes, well...”Violet said, looking affectionately at the old woman, “I’ll let it go this time, but no wandering around again, okay?” She turned to the children, looking stern. “Understood?” They both nodded. “Now off you go. It’s a lovely day outside today. Get out there and have some fun. But,” She lowered her voice to a whisper, “try and stay out of Bob's way, okay? He’s not in the best of moods.”
“Okay, Violet,” replied Milo, and the two of them went to leave. They turned back at the door.
“Bye Rosie. Nice meeting you,” said Milo, fully intending to return to see the old lady sometime soon.
“Yes, goodbye, children. Have fun!”
“Bye,” said Winnie, cheerfully, and the two of them left, and headed for the garden.
“I thought that we were going up to our room,” said Winnie, looking up at him, “You said you wanted to tell me something.”
“I’ll have to tell you out here,” replied Milo, “Violet told us to play out here, and she might get suspicious if we don’t do as we are told.” Winnie looked puzzled. “Don’t worry,” Milo continued, “You’ll understand better when I’ve told you everything.”
They found a quiet spot near the rose garden, and, in a voice slightly more than a whisper, Milo told his sister all about Tianna, and what she had asked them to do.
As the story went on, Winnie’s eyes grew wider and wider with shock, and fear, when he reached the part about going into the forest.
“No Milo, I don’t want to go in there,” she said, shaking her head wildly, to punctuate her reluctance.
“Win, calm down. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“But I don’t want you to go in there either,” she continued, gripping his hand, “And Uncle Jem said that we mustn’t. He said we could get lost in there. And the book...”
“I’ve made up my mind,” Milo said, firmly, “I’m going in there, with or without you. But, even if you don’t want to come in, I need you to keep a look out for me. Old Bob already caught me looking around the edge of the trees once today, and warned me off. I’ve got to have a look around, to find a way in. Will you do that for me?” He looked at her pleadingly. Winnie shook her head.
“No, I don’t want you to.”
“Fine, don’t help me,” replied Milo, getting up, and walking off, toward the forest. “But I’m going anyway.” Winnie quickly got to her feet, and raced after him.
“Milo, no!” Winnie hissed at her brother, as he edged closer and closer to the edge of the forest. She herself held back, not wanting to go any closer, but not wanting to leave him. She just watched from a short distance away, as Milo poked around in the undergrowth, looking to see if there was any kind of path beneath it, shining his torch around.
“Ow!” he cried out, as a thorny creeper attached itself to his t-shirt, stabbing into his arm and shoulder in the process. Gingerly, he pulled it off, and continued looking, taking care to stay away from the prickly vines, which hung down from the trees.
“Milo, I don’t want to go in there,” Winnie stated, looking around, in case Old Bob was watching them.
“Well, neither of us will be going in there, unless we find another form of light,” Milo grumbled. “ This thing is useless! I can’t see a thing!” Winnie looked relieved at her brothers words. But Milo looked thoughtful. “I wonder if Old Bob has anything that we could use.”
The relieved expression, on Winnies face, was once more replaced by a worried one. Milo continued, oblivious to his sisters distress. “He might have something in his shed. I’m going to check it out.” He strode off across the garden. Winnie ran after him, and grabbed his arm, pulling him to a stop.
“You’re just going to take it? Milo, he will be so angry if he catches you!”
“Well, I’ll have to make sure that he doesn’t catch me then, won’t I? I can hardly ask him for it!” He shook his arm free of his sister's grip, and continued on.
Winnie just stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do. She was tempted to go to Violet. She knew that Milo would be livid if she did. But then, neither of them knew what might be living inside the forest. She remembered the stories in the book of fairy tales, and shuddered at the thought of meeting the Grottbiler or the Veeka. If she told Violet, at least they would both be safe, even if her brother chose to never speak to her again. But that morning without him, had been almost unbearable.
She chewed her bottom lip, while she debated with herself, as to what to do. Then she made her decision, and rushed off, hoping that she was doing the right thing.
Milo reached the shed, and after a quick scout around, to see if Old Bob was anywhere nearby, he opened the door, with a slight creak, and went inside.
He expected the shed to be one big mess, considering the appearance of the old man himself. But the whole thing was surprisingly organised. Plant pots, garden tools, and other gardening apparatus, each had their own place.
Milo searched along the rows of wooden shelves, looking for something that would help him. There were other objects besides the things used in the garden. Milo picked up a strange amulet, from one of the shelves. It was a flat disc, about three inches in diameter, with a strange marking engraved into it. The marking looked strangely familiar, but Milo could not put his finger on it. He thought about taking it, but decided against it, imagining what Old Bob might do if he found out. A little voice, in the back of his mind, reminded him that the task at hand, would also get him into trouble, if he was caught. But he brushed it aside, determined to do as Tianna had asked him.
Finally, he found just what he was looking for. A large lantern hung from one of the beams. Milo grinned, at his discovery, and looked around for something to stand on, to reach it. But he could see nothing. He cursed under his breath, annoyed that he had found what he needed, and yet could not gain access to it. Then he noticed the shelves. They reached up, nearly to the ceiling.
‘If I climb up them,’ he thought to himself, “I might be able to reach it.” The little voice in his head screamed no, that it was a stupid idea, but, again, he ignored it. He placed his right foot onto the first shelf, and began to climb.
It was not easy. More than once, Milo felt like he was going to fall, but he regained his balance, and continued on. Eventually, he was level with the lantern. He gripped the edge of a shelf, as he reached out towards it. He couldn’t reach it. It was mere inches away from his finger tips.
Slowly and carefully, he leaned away from the shelf. He knew that he was pushing his luck, but he also knew that, if he was going to go into the forest, he needed the lantern. His arm outstretched, he inched towards it, until, finally, his fingers touched the smooth, plastic surface. He grabbed the handle, and unhooked it from the beam.
“I’ve got it!” he exclaimed under his breath, with a mixture of glee and disbelief. He hung his hard-gotten prize over his arm, and began to descend.
He was about half way down, when he heard the rattle of the door handle. He looked up, panicked. There was no way he could reach the ground in time. To his horror, the door began to open.
I'm on a roll! Here's the second part! I have just downed 5 vodka & tonics, so my judgement may not be brilliant at the moment. But I think it's okay,and I hope you like it! Hopefully have part 3 up tomorrow!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:31 am Post subject: |
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SparkleSteps – Chapter 4: Part 3
Winnie's face poked around the door. Milo visibly sagged with relief.
“God, Win! You scared me to death!”
“Sorry,” she apologised, with a slightly mischievous grin, playing around the corners of her mouth. She noticed the lantern. “Is that what you’re going to take in there with you?” Milo nodded. “Does it work?”
Milo reached the ground, and frowned.
“I don’t know,” he replied. He examined his hard gotten, and quite possibly useless prize. Then he gave a triumphant laugh, as he found the on/off switch, and the lantern beamed brightly. “Battery powered! Yes!” He slung it back over his arm, and gestured towards the door. “Come on, let’s get out of here, before Old Bob comes back, and catches us.”
“Oh, he’s too busy to worry about us,” Winnie said, smiling devilishly. Milo looked curious.
“Too busy, doing what?” But Winnie just tapped the side of her nose, another thing that she had learnt from their mother, meaning for him to keep his nose out. Milo smiled down at her. “Fine, let’s just go, you tease!”
Winnie giggled, as he steered her out of the shed door, and then they ran back down to the forest, still keeping an eye out for Violet or Old Bob, just in case.
Milo switched on the lantern, and parted a section of tree branches, shining the torch into the darkness. This, unlike his little hand torch, lit up the area beyond, showing only more branches and undergrowth. He tried another place, and another, and another, each time opening into more of the dense foliage. Finally he gave up trying to find an easy way in.
“Obviously, there is no path. Looks like I’m just going to have to go for it, and try to fight my way through.” He turned to Winnie, who looked anxious. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Just wait here, okay, and I’ll be back before you know it. I won’t go far, I promise.”
Winnie still looked uncertain, but she gave a small nod anyway. Milo smiled, then turned, selected a section of undergrowth, and entered the forest.
The thorny vines seemed to be everywhere, and they caught on Milo’s clothes and the exposed skin of his hands and face, sometimes leaving deep scratch marks. Tree branches and bushes whipped at him, as he tried to push his way through. He truly felt that he was fighting against the forest itself. It seemed as if it wished for him to leave, and would do anything they could to achieve this end. But Milo was determined, and he fought on.
It seemed like he had been battling the forest forever, when suddenly, he fell forward, into a dark clearing. The tree branches intertwined with each other, blocking out the sunlight. Shining the lantern around, Milo found that the clearing was almost a perfect circle, in shape, and empty of everything, except for the grass beneath his feet, and some strange plants, growing at the edge, near the trees. The plants were tall, towering over Milo, their leaves the size of dinner plates, and with flowers, shaped like huge upturned bells. They were coloured a vibrant, shimmering magenta, magnificent even in the dim light of the lantern.
As Milo moved closer, to get a better look, the light shone on them more intensely. His jaw dropped, as the flowers let out high-pitched shrieks, and visibly backed away from the light. He drew back, and the shrieking stopped.
“I guess they don’t like bright light,” he mumbled to himself.
He pondered a moment, on what he should do next. He had promised Winnie that he wouldn’t go far, but already, he had no idea how deep into the forest he had gone, and there was still no sign of this mysterious sister. He turned back to the direction in which he had come. He knew that if he went in deeper, he would most likely not be able to find his way back out again, unless he made contact with Tianna's sister. He had been determined to do as the elven warrior had asked, but now, as he stood contemplating his next move, he was not so sure.
‘Crack!’
Milo froze, as the noise of a branch or twig, snapping underfoot, vibrated through the clearing. It had come from somewhere to the left of him, beyond the edge of the clearing. He listened for more, but there was nothing. Yet he knew that there was something there watching him.
“Hello?” he called out, his eyes searching the surrounding black for any sign of movement. “Is anyone there? I was sent by Tianna, to find her sister. Is that..you?” He waited for a response, but there was only silence.
He was scared now. His mind was full of the images from the book, wondering which of the terrifying creatures, from within its pages, could be lurking nearby.
‘Why did I come here? Why?’ he berated himself, mentally, making up his mind, then and there, that he was turning back. He prepared to fight through the mass of foliage once again, but was stopped in his tracks, by a low growl, coming from behind him. Milo hardly dared to turn around, for fear of what he might find. But turn he did, and was instantly consumed by terror.
The creature before him, was unlike anything that Milo had seen before. It seemed a hodge-podge of different animals, all mixed together, to create something completely unlike any of them. A long muscular body, set upon four equally muscular legs, with a tail as long as the body again, set with a deadly looking barb at the end. The creatures face was both long and wide, like that of a frog, mixed with an alligator, the mouth stretched into a hideous, twisted grin, glinting with hundreds of needle-like teeth. And the whole thing was covered in thick fur of intense purple, with clashing cobalt stripes, zigzagging through it from the spine. The underside of the body was clad in reptilian scales, of the same vivid purple, like glinting armour.
The creature paced slowly, side to side, with cat like grace, its large golden eyes, gleaming maliciously, focused upon him.
Milo had never been so terrified, and he was trapped. There was no way that he could fight his way back through the forest, to the safety of home, before this creature caught up with him. He probably wouldn’t even make it out of the clearing.
The beast continued to pace, always watching, but never coming any closer. A thought suddenly occurred to Milo, as he remembered the effect that the light, from his lantern, had on the plants. This creature seemed to be staying at the borders of the light too, where it was more dim. Milo took a chance, and stepped towards it, the lantern held out in front of him. To his delight, the beast backed away, snarling at him. He let out a short laugh, of relieved disbelief.
‘Now,’ he thought, ‘I stand a chance of escape.’
He backed towards the edge of the forest, his eyes still focused on the creature, the lantern still pointed towards it. But the creature wasn’t giving up that easily, and Milo’s relief was short lived, when it began to follow.
“No! Go away!” He lunged at it with the light, and it hissed, swiping at him with one huge paw. He screamed, and jumped back to avoid it. But as he did so, his foot caught on a tree root, and he fell. The beast saw its chance, and made a dash at him. But Milo still had a hold of the lantern, and thrust it towards it. The creature cut off its attack, and shied away from the light, disappearing into the shadows.
Milo groaned. The fall had winded him, and his ankle hurt, from when he’d tripped. But he knew he couldn’t let either stop him from getting out of the forest. The beast was nowhere to be seen.
Milo got back to his feet, just as the creature reappeared, entering the clearing from a different place, near the pathway to home. It stood between him and his escape route. Milo brandished the lantern at the beast. It roared at him, but remained, defiantly, where it was. It grinned at him, viciously, a knowing look in its eyes. It knew that he would not go any closer, it could smell his fear.
Milo did not know what to do. Even if he had the skills to fight this beast, he had no weapon. He looked around, searching for a fallen tree branch, that he could use as some kind of protection. But there was nothing. He frowned, wracking his brains, trying to think of a plan.
Suddenly, Milo heard something that turned his blood cold, while the beast, pricked up its oversized ears, at this new noise.
“Milo!” Winnie’s voice pierced through the darkness, like a knife into flesh. At the sound of this new potential victim, the beast tasted the air, with a long, snake-like tongue. Then its lips curled into a snarl, producing it’s evil grin, once again. Then, it took off, seemingly at lightning speed, in the direction that Winnie's voice had come from.
“Win! Run! Go back!” Milo screamed, ignoring the pain in his ankle and chest, and running, as fast as he could, after the creature. He had lost his parents, he could not lose Winnie too.
“Milo, where are you?”
“It doesn’t matter! Run! It’s heading straight for you! Get back out into daylight! It’s afraid of the light!”
For a moment, Milo could hear nothing, but the sound of his own feet pounding on the forest floor, and the whipping of branches, as he rushed to help his sister. Then suddenly, he heard Winnie scream. He halted in his tracks, his face turning from worry to devastation.
“No...” he breathed. He waited. Nothing. “No...Win.....NOOO!” He screamed into the silence, tears erupting, from his eyes. His little sister was...
“Milo! Help!” Her voice reached out to him once again, and he knew that he had never heard anything more beautiful. He took off, racing towards her voice. He stopped again, not knowing how far he was from her, or even if he was heading in the right direction.
“Win, keep calling out to me! I don’t know where you are!” He waited, listening for her answer. For a heart stopping moment, there was nothing. Then he breathed a sigh of relief, as he heard her call out, much closer now than she had been before.
“I’m over here.”
He instantly headed in the direction of her voice, and listened, as she continued to speak.
“Please, hurry Milo! It’s...” She let out a small scream “...it’s jumping up at me!” Another squeal of terror.
“Win, do you have a torch, or anything like that with you?” Milo called out, panting as he ran. “If you do, shine it into its face. I told you, it doesn’t like light!” There was another pause.
“Yes!” he heard her call out, triumphantly, “It’s backing away!” Milo grinned, despite their still impending doom.
At that moment, he broke into a dark clearing, and the beast was there in front of him. He saw the torchlight, and looked up, to see Winnie sat up in one of the trees. The beast shied away from the light, beaming out of Old Bob's lantern, and growled threateningly at Milo, as it began to circle him. Milo caught flashes of the purple and cobalt of the creatures fur, as he followed it, making sure to keep the light between them. He backed up against the tree where Winnie still sat, watching anxiously.
“Come down, Win,” he said, motioning he towards him. “We’ve got to try and get out of here.” The request filled the little girl with fear, but she did as she was told. Soon they stood side by side, at the base of the tree, watching the creature, as it paced, just outside of the beams of light, that shone out from the lantern and the torch.
“Do you remember what direction you came from?” Milo said quietly.
Winnie shook her head, keeping her gaze focused on the beast, as it hunted them. Its eyes were narrowed into malicious slits, and it constantly watched them, waiting for a moment to strike. It’s long tail lashed viciously, the barb at the end glistening wetly, in the torchlight, as the poison seeped forth, prematurely. Muscles rippled, beneath its thick pelt, as it continued its constant motion, back and forth. This creature, whatever it was, was not going to let them get away, without putting up a fight, that was only too clear.
Milo looked around him, to see if there was anything to give away the direction of home. But every one of the dark trees, looked identical to its brother, and he soon gave up trying. But he made a decision, all the same.
“Win, we’ll try this way,” he said, softly, still watching the beast. It pricked up it’s ears, at the sound of his voice, as though listening to his words. Milo wondered, for a moment, if it could understand what he said. “Stay close to me, okay. And keep the torch pointed at it.” Winnie nodded that she understood, then they began to move away from the tree, and away from the creature.
As expected, it followed, prowling through the shadows, the clashing purple and cobalt catching the light every so often. It stalked them, patiently, a game of cat and mouse. The children kept an eye on it at all times, barely watching where they were going.
There was a squeal and a thud. Milo turned, to find Winnie sprawled on the ground. His eyes left the beast, for a second. But in that moment, it disappeared. Milo turned back, and it was gone. He searched for it, frantically, checking all around them. But it was nowhere to be seen. Winnie got to her feet, and did the same. Though they couldn’t see it, Milo knew it was there, still watching, still waiting for that perfect opportunity to strike.
“Where is it?” he whispered. Winnie had begun to cry, silently. The tears glistened in the lantern light, and Milo reached down and grasped her hand, to comfort himself as much as her. They backed, once again, against the nearest tree, and Milo tried to think of a course of action. And still, he could feel those eyes upon him.
“Milo, what are we going to do?” Winnie sobbed quietly, gripping her brother's arm.
“I’m thinking,” Milo answered, frowning with the effort of thought.
“Maybe it’s gone. Maybe we could just...make a run for it.” But Milo shook his head.
“It’s not gone, Win,” he answered, still scanning the darkness for a glimpse of the brightly coloured hide. “It’s still here somewhere. If we run, it will catch us.” He wracked his brains, trying to fathom out what to do.
Suddenly, there was a deep growl, close by, but not on the ground. Before Milo had a chance to turn around, the beast leaped down on top of him, out of the very tree, under which they sought safety. He lost his grip on the lantern, and it flew some distance away, too far for him to reach, but close enough so that he would witness his fate. Winnie screamed.
The beast, pinned him to the ground, its claws digging into the flesh of his shoulder. It eyed him triumphantly, bearing its teeth, in a hideous, depraved grin. Milo grimaced from both the pain in his shoulder, and the stench of the beast's breath, the very essence of death, of rancid, rotting flesh and blood. This creature had killed many, of that he was certain.
‘And now, it will kill me,’ Milo thought to himself, tears , pricking at the corners of his eyes. He was afraid. He did not want to die. Nearby, Winnie had collapsed to the floor, with uncontrollable sobbing.
The creature, raised its barbed tail, slowly, as if drawing out the moment, to torture it's victim before striking. Milo braced himself, for the inevitable. But that moment never came. A blurred shape, shot out of the darkness, and flung itself at the beast. The beast was stunned for a moment. Then it turned, roared, furiously, at its attacker, and charged. The battle was not within range of the light, aside from the barely distinguishable outlines of the battle-locked pair. Every now and then, when the fight forced them closer, the children would see a flash of purple fur, or golden skin.
Milo scrambled to his feet, and rushed over to Winnie, who had stopped crying from the shock of this newcomer to their cause. They crouched at the base of the tree, knowing that they should run, but not finding the will power to do so. Then a voice broke out of the darkness, and their saviour came partially into the light. They saw that it was a woman.
“That way! Run, now! There is a clearing, and daylight! Go...” The beast pounced on top of her, teeth bared, claws outstretched. They flinched, as the claws pierced her shoulder, drawing blood. It pinned her down, just as it had Milo, but this woman was stronger than its previous prey, and she fought against it, throwing it off her. She glared at them. “Go!”
Milo and Winnie did as they were told, and ran in the direction she had pointed, looking over their shoulders, every now and then, to see what was happening. The woman and the creature circled the lantern, each waiting for the next to make a move. They reached the edge of the clearing, then turned to watch.
The pair had stopped circling, and were now stationary, but tensed, each ready to strike. Then the woman suddenly turned, and ran towards them, the beast a second behind her. She motioned them into the clearing. Then she turned back. The creature leaped.
Milo and Winnie fell backwards into the clearing, and then could see nothing. They heard a scuffling noise, and the woman cried out. Then all went still, and quiet. The children strained to hear something, to indicate that their rescuer was still alive.
Suddenly, something came flying through the trees, thrown, and landing heavily on the grass. It was the beast, closely followed by the woman. At the touch of daylight, upon its body, the creature screamed with pain. The woman did not waste the moment. She drew a long dagger, from a scabbard at her waist, and drove it into the belly of the beast, slicing a gaping hole, releasing its steaming entrails. The beast gave another cry of pain, it’s paws scrabbling futilely at the ground. She withdrew the knife, and backed a short distance away. The creature continued to twitch, and moan. Then it gave a final shudder, and lay still.
The woman knelt, panting, on the grass. Her dark chestnut hair, streaked with gold, fell down to her waist in a wild tangle. From this mass of knotted coils, protruded two pointed ears. She wore a short skirt and a matching top, both in an earthy-brown, embellished with gold. A gold ring attached the top around her neck, and she wore no shoes.
The children noticed deep slashes on her right thigh, and the puncture marks on her shoulders, all bleeding profusely, though she did nothing to stop the flow of blood. She still gripped the dagger in her hand, and it suddenly occurred to the children, how dangerous this woman might be. What might she do to them? Why had she helped them, when she herself could so easily have been killed?
As if she could read their thoughts, the woman shifted her stance, and raised her head, looking directly at them. Milo gasped. She was beautiful, with high cheek bones, and full lips, but the thing that struck him, was her eyes. The perfect blue, surrounded by gold, and the thick, dark lashes. The eyes of Tianna, returned to his memory. This woman was of the same blood as the elven warrior.
‘She must be the sister that we were sent to find,’ thought Milo.
She looked at them with curious eyes, then a small smile touched the corners of her mouth. She lifted the blood covered dagger to her lips, examined it, then licked along the blade, tasting her victory. Milo and Winnie watched, eyes wide, and mouths gaping with horror. She turned her attention back to their aghast faces.
“Children of the Allington bloodline,” she said, gazing at them, intensely. “I have been waiting for you.”
So, what do they do now? They have found who they were looking for, but she's not quite what they expected! Lets hear your ideas! Thanks for reading!
P.S- I am putting a large version of the painting in my art post in the open forum.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Mon Mar 15, 2010 12:40 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, that was a long read!
Very nice though Tikks, good writing.
Mmm, well my brain is still fevered, so I can only suggest they help tend her wounds and then sit down and grill her for more information.
Not very imaginative I know.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:28 am Post subject: |
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Yes, we need more information. If it were me in their situation I'd make sure she's who I think she is, but these are children - they might not think to check.
But something that Milo might do, is make it clear to the woman that if they go 'missing' from the garden for too long, they may be prevented from helping out, so one thing he'll think is very important is to know a quick way out of the forest if he needs to get back.
They're also cut and grazed from the thorns of the forest, and these need to be hidden from Violet and old Bob, too.
Another suggestion - the encounter with Rosie gives the impression of history repeating itself, so perhaps ask her if she knows Rosie.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 3:22 pm Post subject: |
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Good narrative. I can see that you enjoy creating weird creatures and combining animal features. I liked the scene in the forest, it was really vivid.
Good narrative, but bad storygame. The chapter was too long. Too many things happened without the reader having much of a choice about them, and now that that the decision point does happen, it's something in which there doesn't seem to be many options. Your fate is basically in this warrior's hands.
a. you could ask her what she requires of you
b. you could offer your assistance (although what exactly Milo and Winnie can do to help is difficult to fathom at the moment)
c. You could ask her what that monster was, or any other question pertaining to the fairy tale book
d. you could ask to be led back home
You seem to have a clear idea of where you want to go with this story, but if you're not willing to allow the reader to have a more meaningful say in the action, then perhaps you should just keep writing this as a linear story.
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Tatkret Sos
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| Posted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! Great fighting scene!
Some interesting characters introduced into this chapter I liked the character Rosie She seems quite mysterious
I don't completely agree with D-Lotus. There aren't many options but they have more choices than just to stay in the forest with this extremely scary woman. I know if it was me I'd probably run for the hills and I'm older than both of them.
Also, nobody has mentioned the fact that Winnie went off on her own for a while before they entered the forest and at the time she was worried about what could be in the forest. I might be being a bit farfetched but she could have aquired some sort of weapon. Perhaps, a kitchen knife and she could try threatening the woman with it so that they may escape.
So there is two more options 
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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| It is true that Winnie managed to find her way to Milo. Maybe she can lead both of them back, since she seems to have an unusually keen sense of direction.
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Tatkret Sos
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| Posted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 3:58 pm Post subject: |
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If I didn't know any better, D-Lotus, I'd say that sounded a little like sarcasm.
Actually, your last comment is not accurate. Winnie didn't find her way to Milo. He followed her voice and found her. Also, my idea was more based on the fact that they, as children, would be frightened and would run away, not thinking whether they knew their way or not.
As an example, I thought of a child meeting a dog in a park. If they were frightened, they would run and the dog would chase them. A grown up would know, that if you ran away from a dog, it would chase you. But a child would not think of this. If a child is afraid of something, there is a good chance they will run.
As an addition to he weapon idea, Winnie could have got something else instead. Something to signal that they were in trouble and where they were. Perhaps a whistle or something like that. Then someone could hear them, like old Bob, and they wouldn't need to know their way out, as he would help them.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | If I didn't know any better, D-Lotus, I'd say that sounded a little like sarcasm. |
No sarcasm intended. I just thought Winnie may have some special power. You know, they've got to have something special... otherwise why would Tianna need their help?
Actually, that would be a good question to ask: What special powers do we have (if any)?
As you pointed out, Winnie didn't tecnically find Milo, but she did come awful close, and maybe would have found him eventually if it hadn't been for the predator creature. Also in one of the previous chapters when she crawled under the grass to advance more quickly than Milo-- that's pretty smart for a small girl. She might have a natural ability for it.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 9:15 am Post subject: |
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There is indeed something special about the two of them, though what that is, I don't want to reveal yet.
That said, there is definately a possiblity of them having some kind of powers, certainly something like you suggested, D, about Winnies sense of direction, as it something that might not necessarily be noticed by others, and if it was, it wouldn't be put down to any kind of magic.
As I only have a loose idea for the story, it's not something that I have thought about before now, so I'll have a good think about it, and see what I can come up with. Great idea though!
Going back to your previous comment, D, I am going to try to keep the chapters shorter, though this time, it was necessary, as the character of Rosie needed to be introduced, before the children entered the forest, and as that was the result of the last DP, there wasn't much I could do about it. This is actually the cut-down version! If I had posted it up as I wrote it originally it would have been over 10,000 words!
And as for the DPs, I can promise to try and make them more adventurous. This is my first story game, so I guess I have been playing it safe with the DPs so far. But I'll see what I can do.
And to everyone who has commented so far, thankyou so much!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 2:39 am Post subject: |
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Okay. I've had a good think about these 'powers' that the kids could have, and I think I could definately do something with it, sticking for now, though, with it just being minor ones, like heightened senses or abilities.
Looking back over previous chapters, there are things that could fit in with the idea, that I didn't really think about before.
I seem to have made Milo with the ability to sneak around without being detected, which could fit in with it. Possibly also his sense of balance when climbing the shelves, and leaning out, to gain access to the lantern. And, as Chinaren pointed out in chapter two, about Milos knowledge of the crystals being more than a child of that age would probably know. This could also fit in with it. As well as the suggestions already made by D.
Possibly, these could build up, as the story goes on, to being more powerful, and more like actual magic. But, for now, I'll stay with this:
Heightened mental and physical abilities, nothing that would be noticed by others as being abnormal, but making them mentally and physically stronger than other children of their age.
I don't know if this will help with the current DP, but I would be happy to hear any thoughts on it anyway. Thanks again, D, for the suggestion in the first place. I was very intrigued by the idea, and it has been fun to try and think up ways for it to be included into the story.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 5:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Thanks again, D, for the suggestion in the first place. |
No problem. Now when are we going to see that poll?
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 7:54 am Post subject: |
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Woo - caught up
First question has to be ... why have you been waiting for us?
Followed swiftly by 'what was that thing?'... with perhaps a belated thanks for saving them ;-)
Watch out for your plurals and apostrophe 's ... alot of times mainly in chapter 3, but in this one too, you have cases where you should have 's instead of just an s.
Things seem to be getting interesting now, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Happy Writing
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 12:54 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou so much, Smee, for your comment and suggestion!
And with that, the poll is up!
Thankyou everyone for reading, and for your imput. Vote away!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 11:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I wasn't satisfied with the way the poll was organized. Organizing polls is an important part of storygaming in itself which is frequently taken for granted but which actually must be carefully deliberated. I feel that grilling for information is simply too broad. It's almost a given that they will attempt that-- the question is what information is most pressing.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 10:54 am Post subject: |
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Poll is now closed.
Will post up chapter five, hopefully, by the weekend.
Thanks for voting!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 1:45 pm Post subject: |
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SparkleSteps - Chapter 5
The blue and gold, of her eyes, was mesmerising. The children felt drawn into their depths, and for a moment were unable to speak. They seemed to shine with inner light, as if each was an entity, all of it’s own. Her voice, eventually, brought them back into the moment.
“Are you just going to sit there? You are here to help me, yes?”
“You... you're the one who was in our room that night,” Milo said, not answering her questions. “We saw your eyes, shining in the dark. You left the book... on the floor.”
“Yes, yes,” she replied impatiently, “But there's no time to discuss that now. There is much to do, and little time to do it. I need you to help me, children of the Allington bloodline.”
“Help you how? What do you want with us?” Milo eyed the knife, which she still held in her hand. Images of he and Winnie being tied up, whilst this bloodthirsty warrior-maiden, made preparations to sacrifice them to her gods, in order to open a door to her own world, flashed through his mind.
She noticed him looking at the blade, and, after wiping it clean on the body of the beast, she returned it to it’s scabbard.
“I am not going to hurt you, child,” she said, in a more gentle, patient tone. “I just need your help, to find my... to find something, and then to get back home.” Her expression was proud, yet there was a desperation, in her eyes, that made them realise just how much she needed them. “Will you help me?”
“But what can we do?” replied Milo, “We’re just ki...” He remembered Tianna’s confused face when he had said the word ‘kids’ to her, and stopped. “... children.”
“But, you are not just any children,” she said, looking a little shocked. “You are of Allington blood. You need only look into the Allington history to see that you are not just normal children.” She noticed their puzzled faces. “You do know your family history?”
Both children shook their heads.
“What, nothing? None at all?”
Again, they shook their heads.
“Then how did you know I needed you? That you were the only ones who could help me?”
“Tianna told us,” replied Milo. The woman looked confused.
“Tianna, the warrior? But she has been gone from us for nearly two hundred years,” she said, “It is believed that she died, when she defeated the Veeka. How could she have told you? Are you saying that she still lives?”
“I... I don’t know,” replied Milo, “It was the book. She came out of the book.”
“What book? What are you talking about?” Impatience had returned to her voice, and both Milo and Winnie flinched slightly, at the abruptness of it.
“The book that we found in the tree,” Milo replied, “The one that you had left there.”
She shook her head.
“I left no book in a tree,” she replied, “Just the one in your room.”
“So... who did put it there?” Winnie spoke for the first time, as she eyed the stranger enquiringly. The woman looked thoughtful. But then, she waved the question aside, got to her feet, and turned towards the forest.
“I don’t know, but we don’t have time to sit here trying to work it out. Come, children of the...”
“We have names,” Milo piped up, bravely. “This is my sister Winnie, and I’m Milo.” His nerve left him, as the woman turned back, and fixed him with an intense glare. There was a long pause. Then she finally spoke.
“I am Chanah” Then she disappeared out of the clearing, back into the gloom of the trees. When they didn’t move, her head reappeared. “Come on.”
“Where are we going?” Milo ventured nervously, his courage still not fully returned. “We... we need to get back to the house soon. They will be wondering where we’ve got to.”
“Well, you’d best hurry up and follow me then, hadn’t you?” Chanah replied with a slightly smug look, “Because the only way you will get out of here, is if I lead you, and I refuse to do so, until I have shown you something.”
“Is it going to be... dangerous?” asked Milo, glancing at the body of the beast, and still not making any move to follow her, into the forest. Chanah looked at the creature, it’s powerful form, lying lifeless in a pool of it’s own blood and entrails.
“I will look after you. Don’t worry.” Then she disappeared again. This time, though hesitantly, the children followed her.
The instant that they were out of the clearing, they were swallowed, once again, by the shadows. The lantern was nowhere to be seen, and they could see and hear nothing. For a moment, they thought that Chanah had left them alone. But then she came between them, and took a hand, of each of them, in her own.
“Come with me. I will be your eyes.”
She led them, swiftly and surely, through the darkness. Both Milo and Winnie half expected to be falling over tree roots, and tripping in the undergrowth. But Chanah kept them on a clear path. After a while, Milo had had enough of the silence between them.
“What was that thing anyway?” He looked up, at the two tiny pinpricks of light, that were Chanah’s eyes. They did not look at him, as she answered, always keeping their gaze straight ahead, on their path.
“It is called a Harlimane,” she replied, in a low voice. “Now, be quiet. We’re nearly there, and though I am perfectly capable of taking on another, I would prefer not to. There are quite enough holes in my flesh for one day.” And at that, silence descended, once again.
Suddenly, light hit them full in the face, blinding them for a moment. The children stumbled, and fell down, upon soft, lush grass, as Chanah let go of their hands, and wandered towards the centre of this new clearing.
Milo was the first to regain his sight, and rubbing his eyes, he looked around. He was shocked to see that the treetops here, were just as dense as in the rest of the forest. The light came, not from the sun, but from a pool, situated dead in the centre of the clearing. Chanah knelt next to the pool, her hand submerged in the brilliantly clear water. She looked up, and saw Milo watching her.
“This is the door,” she said, quietly. “It is through here, that I can get back to my own world. But it is closed now, and will be until the next moon. Unless I find a key.”
What kind of key?” asked Milo, “What does it look like?”
“It is a stone,” she replied, “a stone of crystal clear light, but when you look into it’s depths, you can see all the colours of the rainbow.”
“Where can we find one?” asked Winnie, thinking back, trying to remember if any of the stones, in the jewellery, that she had found, matched the description.
Chanah reached inside a bag at her waist, and pulled out a chain, with a strange pendant dangling at the end. Milo’s first thought was of the planet Saturn. The pendant was made up of a spherical centre, surrounded by many rings.
Chanah held the pendant up before her, and the children gasped as the rings began to spin and rotate around the centre sphere, gaining in speed, until they were just a blur.
“This is a Keyfinder,” said Chanah, keeping her eyes focused on the object. “As it’s name would suggest, it is used to discover the location of a key-stone. They are rare nowadays, as there is no real use for them. There are no key-stones in our world, we have no need for them. But I... borrowed... this one from a friend of mine.”
A low hum, began to emanate from the Keyfinder, growing slowly louder. The children watched in awe, as a light burst forth, a long beam of pure white. It broke through a section of the trees opposite them, and beyond.
Then Chanah looked away from it, and the light, and the humming disappeared, and the Keyfinder became motionless once more. She slumped foward, panting, as though the object had sapped her energy. But after a moment, she sat up again.
“Unfortunately,” she said, “this is an old model, and will only show you the approximate area in which the key-stone can be found.” She sighed. “So all I know is, that there is a key-stone somewhere inside your home.”
“Inside the actual house?” said Milo. Chanah nodded. Milo looked thoughtful. “And is this what you want us to do? To find the key-stone, so that you can go home?” Again she nodded, talking seemingly a waste of her strength, while she recovered from using the Keyfinder.
“Well, if it’s in the house, maybe Uncle Jem will...” began Winnie, but Chanah cut her off.
“No, he must not know about this,” she said, firmly, “He may know the where abouts of the stone. But if he has it in his possession, you must take it from him secretly. Do not tell him anything.”
“What did he do, that was so bad?” asked Milo.
“That doesn’t matter,” she replied, “Just don’t tell him, and find the stone. The sooner you find it, the sooner I will be gone, and this whole thing over and done with.”
“Why do you need to get home so quickly?” asked Winnie, “Why don’t you just wait until the next moon?”
Worry suddenly filled the elven womans eyes.
“The reason that I came through the door in the first place, was to find my lover. He and his friend came through the door two moons ago, and they did not return.” Tears began to run down her cheeks. “The others gave up on them. Said that they were surely lost. But he calls to me. Sorren calls to me, in my dreams, pleading for me to help him.” A sob escaped her, but only one. She composed herself, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “He may be hurt, or dying, when I find him. I will need to get him back home.
The next moon is still many days away. By then it may be too late. I must find him, and I need you to find the stone.” Her eyes pleaded with them. “Say you will help me?”
Milo paused for a moment, then nodded, Winnie following suit. For the first time, Chanah smiled at them, lighting up her face.
“Thankyou, children of the...” She stopped, remembering their names. “Thankyou Milo and Winnie.” She got to her feet. “Well, I’d better get you back home.” She walked around to the other side of the pool, and held out her hands to them. They approached her and took one each. Winnie smiled up at the beautiful elven woman, her fear of her now gone. Chanah returned it with her own. Then they left the clearing, and entered the darkness again.
This time, they walked in a comfortable silence, the children knowing that Chanah needed to watch and listen for danger, and that noise might attract others like the Harlimane.
It seemed only a few short minutes had passed, when they found themselves outside the forest again. Chanah pushed them, gently, out of the cover of the trees, though she remained mostly inside, just her head and torso showing, as she crouched down in the undergrowth. The rose gardens lay before them. There was no sign of Old Bob still, or Violet. The children turned back to Chanah.
“When will we see you again?” asked Milo. Chanah reached into the bag at her waist again, answering as she did so.
“I need to look for Sorren. I can’t afford to keep coming back here needlessly.” She reached out, and placed an object in Milo’s palm. Looking down at it, he saw that it was a small, silver whistle. He looked back at Chanah, questioningly. “When you find the key-stone, blow this whistle. It will not make a sound, but I will hear it, and I will come to you.” She smiled and gave a short laugh, at his still puzzled face. “Just do as I say, okay?”
Milo nodded.
“Okay. I hope you find Sorren.”
“Thankyou, and goodluck. Farewell to you both.” With a final smile, Chanah disappeared into the gloom.
Milo and Winnie headed back up to the house, with the intention of beginning their search immediately. But as they entered the front door, they suddenly realised the magnitude of their task. The house was enormous, three floors, made up of countless rooms, plus the basement, the attic, and the east and west wings. They didn’t know where to begin.
DP is just that, where do they begin? Or should they try and gain some info from another? Or something else? Thankyou for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Wed Mar 24, 2010 3:39 pm; edited 2 times in total
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 7:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | “You do know you family history?” |
Good chapter. The best one yet, even though it consisted mostly of dialogue. You managed the expectation that the children would be distrustful without letting it interrupt the direction of the story. The DP is interesting as well.
I'd say that if the key is anywhere in the house, the uncle must know about it. Most likely, he's keeping it hidden. I'd say spy on the uncle and search his office/room first. It may be the most dangerous, but they are after all just kids-- what's the worst that can happen if they get caught, they'll be punished without supper?
I also liked the chapter length, btw. Made it bearable to read without spending an hour in front of my screen.
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Mastermind
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| Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 2:02 am Post subject: |
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Well, they should search the basement, of course! Nothing bad ever happens there!
Or they could talk to Rosie, she doesn't seem as servile as Violet and Old Bob. Maybe she knows something about how Uncle Jem "failed" Tianna.
_________________
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Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
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Smee
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| Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 3:16 am Post subject: |
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Indeed a good chapter.
I like the idea of talking to Rosie, if anyone knows, she will. And the reaction Violet had to us talking to her before suggests that Rosie is likely to say more than she should.
Uncle is likely to be the one hiding it though. In some safe, or secret compartment of his desk.
Go talk with Rosie, learn what we can.
Happy Writing
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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Nice chapter Tiks, and there's nothing wrong with a lot of dialogue, don't listen to D!
One thing you should just look out for though, IMHO, is contractions when people are speaking. Eg:
| Quote: | “You... you are the one who...”
“Yes, yes,” she replied impatiently, “But there is no time |
People don't tend to say there is or you are but rather: there's and you're*
Anyway, if her chum can't get back he's either trapped or captured. I suspect our good friend Bob. Maybe he has the creature locked up somehow.
Otherwise, yeah, the basement's the way to go, 'cos like it always is...
*Don't confuse this with your as many people do!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou D, Mastermind, Smee and C-Ren, for your comments and suggestions!
I'll look out for that C-Ren. I've made the changes to the words in the quote, but I'm knackered, so I haven't the strength to look for more at the moment. But I'll keep an eye out for it in future chapters.
Thanks again, guys!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 10:39 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Nice chapter Tiks, and there's nothing wrong with a lot of dialogue, don't listen to D! |
Good dialogue is hard to come by. One risks writing too much about something routine. I suppose this can be said about anything, but it seems more prevalent with certain kinds of dialogue. The key is to accentuate something about the character or the situation rather than produce meaningless chatter. In your case, I only meant that despite consisting of a lot dialogue-- which can often be a bit of a drag if it isn't done carefully-- the chapter wasn't bogged down at all.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Apr 03, 2010 12:13 pm Post subject: |
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Poll is finally up guys! Sorry for the delay...
Thank you all, for your comments and suggestions. Vote away!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 10:21 am Post subject: |
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I almost missed this, somehow. But now voted, for what is seemingly the most popular option. 
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 8:07 am Post subject: |
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Poll is now closed...
Thanks for voting guys, and I will try and have chapter six up by Monday/Tuesday.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:40 am Post subject: |
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... Okay, I somehow managed to get this finished much, much sooner than anticipated. Like the last chapter, this one consists of rather alot of dialogue, but I have tried to keep it on subject, and to the point. It may require a little... tweaking, possibly. So let me know what you think. Hope you like it!
SparkleSteps - Chapter 6
Milo looked around helplessly.
"How on earth are we going to find it?" he said, "This place is huge. It would take us weeks to search the whole thing."
He glanced down at Winnie, who looked thoughtful. "What are you thinking?" She looked up at him, paused a moment, then grabbed his hand.
"Come with me," she replied, firmly, "I know who can help us." Milo stopped, and pulled her back.
"How can anyone help us, Win? Nobody else knows about all of this." Winnie's face started to go red. "Win, what have you done?"
"Don't be angry, Milo. I was worried about you, and I didn't know what to do if Old Bob came over, asking questions. So I told..." Winnie stopped babbling at that moment, as the door to the kitchen opened, and Old Bob himself came sauntering out,frowning, and looking altogether very irritable. The frown deepened, as he noticed them, and strode over.
"What are you two doin'? Makin' more trouble, most likely. Why can't you just be'ave yerselves!" He made a point of shooting them a distainful glare, before marching out the front door, and into the garden.
The children stood stunned for a moment.
"What's put him in such a bad mood?" Milo murmered, quietly, "...Well, more of a bad mood than usual." He turned, when he felt Winnie tugging on his arm.
"Come on Milo, we have to go and speak to her."
"Who?"
"Rosie. She knows all about it, Milo. She says that she will help us." She grasped his hand, once again, and pulled him towards the kitchen. "We have to tell her what happened in the forest." She opened the door, and entered, still dragging a speechless Milo behind her.
"Rosie?" Winnie called out, looking around the room, for the old woman. "Rosie, are you here?" But there was no answer from the cook, nor anyone else. Winnie looked stricken. "Where is she? What has he done to her?"
Milo, having regained his use of speech, tried to calm her down.
"I'm sure he hasn't done anything to her, Win. You don't think she stays in the kitchen all the time, do you? Maybe he's taken her to her room."
He took another quick glance around the room, just to make sure that the old lady wasn't there, then he led Winnie back into the hall. He grasped her, gently, by both shoulders.
"We need to talk about this," he said, "We'll find somewhere, where we won't be interrupted, and you must tell me everything, okay?"
The thought of something having happened to Rosie, had made Winnie begin to cry, but now she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, and nodded, that she understood.
Now it was Milo's turn to lead. Holding her hand, he slipped, silently, up the stairs, and across the long landing, to their room. He closed the door behind them, then looked around.
"In here," he said, walking towards his bedroom. Winnie followed, and, again, he closed the door behind them. He strode across the room, and into the bathroom, ushering Winnie inside.
"Right, no one will bother us here," he said, in a near whisper, locking the door. "But best talk quietly, all the same. Now, tell me about Rosie."
Winnie related to her brother, what had happened earlier that day, whilst he was busy 'borrowing' Old Bob's lantern, which was still lost somewhere in the forest.
She had decided that Milo would need something to protect himself with, just in case he met with any of the creatures that they had read about in the book of fairy tales. The only place that she could think of, where she could find such a thing, was the kitchen, so that was where she went.
Once there, she had snuck inside, as quietly as she could, knowing that Rosie would not be able to see her. But she had heard her all the same, and demanded to know why she was sneaking about. But before Winnie had been able to answer, the old woman had suddenly asked if it was anything to do with the forest.
At first, Winnie had not been sure of whether she should tell her or not, but Rosie had insisted that she knew all about the goings on at the estate, and wanted to help them. So, Winnie had decided to take the risk, and told all, about their mystery visitor, and what Milo had told her about the books and Tianna. Then finally, she revealed what Milo was about to do.
"As soon as I told her that, I was sure that she would tell Violet,"Winnie said, while Milo continued to listen, attentively, "But she didn't. She just said that we were doing the right thing. I asked her what we should do about Old Bob, and she said to send him to her, and she would keep him busy for a while. Then I asked her about a weapon, and she said not to worry about it, that we would be fine."
"Fine?" Milo blurted out, in annoyence, "That... thing, nearly killed us. How was that fine? If it hadn't been for Chanah..."
"We would have been killed, yes. But she protected us. So everything was... fine. So Rosie was right." Winnie looked down at the ground. "And it was a Harlimane."
"What?" Milo said. Winnie glanced up at him, a mischivious smile playing about the corners of her mouth.
"That 'thing' was called a Harlimane. Just thought you might like to be reminded of it, since you don't seem to remember."
"Maybe I have more important things on my mind," replied Milo, "like how we're going to find the Key-stone, and whether Rosie can help us." He frowned, as he thought about it for a moment. "Since she was willing to reveal all to you, which is more than anyone else has done around here, I'd say she's our best chance. Let's go and find her. She must be around here somewhere."
They got up, left their rooms, and stole back down the stairs, keeping an eye out for Violet, Jem and Old Bob.A quick inspection revealed that there was nobody about. Milo poked his head around the kitchen door, just in case Rosie had returned, while they had been upstairs. But she wasn't there.
"Where is Rosie's room?" asked Winnie. Milo shrugged.
"I have no idea," he replied, "I've never heard anyone mention it before."
At that moment, Violet came in, from outside, carrying another basketful of clean, dry washing. Evidently, it was laundry day. Feeling suddenly bold, Milo strode up to her.
"Violet, we wanted to go and see Rosie, but she's not in the kitchen. Do you know where she is?"
For a moment, Violet looked suspicious.
"What do you want to see Rosie for?" she asked, "You were talking to her, but an hour or two ago. Why do you need to see her again?"
"Well, we don't 'need' to see her, we'd just like to, that's all." Milo looked as innocent as he could. "She was just very nice to talk to."
Violet paused a moment longer, then sighed, and pointed outside.
"Bob took her outside for some fresh air. She's sat on the lawn, near the rose garden." She suddenly looked stern. "But don't go tiring her out, with all your questions. Rosie is a very old woman."
"Okay," Milo replied, then he and Winnie shot out the door, and made their way around to where Violet had said.
Rosie was sat on a wooden bench, in the middle of the lawn. The wind toyed with her white hair, making it shimmer in the sunlight. She heard them approaching, and turned towards them smiling.
"Hello again!" she exclaimed, "This is a nice surprise. Twice in one day. I hope I find you both well... and unscathed?"
"We're fine Rosie," Milo replied, deciding not to mention their near miss with the Harlimane. "How did you know it was us?"
Rosie smiled.
"I recognised the sound of your footsteps. Everybodys are different, you know. I take it your sister has told you certain things, that I spoke to her about earlier?" Rosie went on.
"Yes, she did," Milo replied, "That's what we're here about."
"What happened in the forest?" the old lady interrupted, "Did you find the elven girl?"
"Yes..." Milo replied.
"Tell me everything," Rosie demanded, gently, "Then you may ask your questions. But not before you tell me what happened."
Milo was about to argue that they didn't have time to delay. But Rosie's expression was stubborn, and knowing that there was no way around it, Milo did as she asked, and told her everything that had happened to them earlier, ending with their looming search for the Key-Stone.
"Chanah told us, it is in the house, but we have no idea where to begin. What do you know about the Key-Stone, Rosie?"
Rosie sighed deeply, before she spoke.
"That stone is connected to the fate of Tianna herself. I suppose I must tell you her story for you to understand better. I believe that there is a book of Fairy Tales in your room, yes?"
"Yes," they answered in unison. Rosie nodded.
"So, you will have read the story of Tianna and the Veeka. Now, the Veeka was once an Elven Mage, who betrayed his people, by turning against the Elven King, and trying to take the throne for himself. But he was prevented from doing so, by another Mage, who transformed him into a hideous beast, and locked him up, in a dungeon, beneath the royal city of Rho-ad, where he was used to 'dispose of' other prisoners.
But the Veeka, though he had lost most of his magic, retained his intelligence and cunning, and somehow, he managed to escape.He exited the Elven world, through the doorway, and came into this world. The three greatest of the Elven Warriors were sent to destroy him. But two of them were killed, and, the third, Tianna, though she managed to reduce him to near death, she herself was badly wounded, and needed to get back home.
She called upon the Allington bloodline, to help her to get to the portal. But the one who came to her aid, one Hotatio .C. Allington, decided that he was in love with her, and wanted her to stay. She told him that she could not, that she had a mate of her own, and wished to return to him. That made Horatio angry.
Now, back in those days, the Allingtons had regular dealings with the Elven people, and had aquired books of spells, and knowledge of the magical arts, in order to aid them when necessary. Horatio used one of these spells, along with the Key-Stone, to prevent her from ever returning home, until he, or another of his bloodline, released her from the spell.
"When the spell was cast, the stone was split into two perfect halves. Magic from the earth itself, was taken into the stone, grounding Tianna to this place, this world. Unable to get home, she assumed that all would believe that she had perished, at the hands of the monster.
At first, knowing that her people were safe, was enough to make Tianna happy, and made it possible to bear living in this world, away from her loved ones.But it did not last. Lonely for her own kind, she begged to be allowed to return to them. But Horatio, cold-hearted beast that he was, would not show mercy, knowing full well, that Tianna would never love him, but unwilling to allow her the chance to love another instead.
Slowly, Tianna's despair grew, and eventually, all of that divine beauty and courage, just died, and Tianna the Skylan warrior along with it." Rosie sighed, deeply. "It all happened so long ago, but I can still remember..." The last sentence drifted off, leaving Rosie, gazing thoughtfully, into the empty space before her.
"But, how?" Milo looked puzzled. His words broke Rosie from her thoughts, and she looked down, towards him, where he was lay on the grass.
"How what, child?" she replied.
"How can you remember? Chanah told us that all of that happened nearly two hundred years ago, so you couldn't have been there."
She paused for a moment, staring at him intensely, almost like she could see him, through the milky spheres. He began to feel a little uncomfortable. Then she spoke again.
"I wasn't there, " she replied, smiling down at him. "But my grandmother was, and she told the story to my mother, and my mother told it to me."
"But the way that you told it," Milo persisted, "The way that you described it all... it was like you really did see it."
"I suppose that, as a child, I had such a vivid picture in my head, of the faces and events, that it almost is real, to me." She began to look wistful again, so Milo decided to move the conversation towards the task at hand.
"Rosie, do you know where the Key-Stone is now?" The old lady shook her head.
"Horatio had the two halves for a long time, hidden away somewhere inside the house. When he died, I can only assume that it was passed down to his son, then to his son in turn, and then to Jem. But I've never saw it, before I lost my sight. Though, even if I had, I doubt I would have recognised it."
"Why not?" questioned Milo. "The way Chanah described it, I think I would have known it at once."
"When it drew in the earth magic, during the spell, it changed. It became unreconisable for what it was. Still beautiful, but nothing compared to it's former glory. And before you ask, no, I don't know what it looked like afterwards. Though, I think you will still know it, when you do find it. There will be something about it, something... unusual. If both halves are found, and resealed together as one, the stone will resume its former beauty, and will allow Chanah, and hopefully Sorren, to go back home."
"Can you think of anywhere that it could be?" Milo asked desperately, still not knowing where they should begin their search.
"No, but it will be well hidden, wherever it is," replied Rosie, once again looking thoughtful. "Maybe you should begin in Jem's study. If the stone was passed down to him, he would likely keep it close."
"Does Uncle Jem even know about all of this?" said Milo, "I mean, all of the stuff about Tianna?"
"Oh, he knows," Rosie answered, grimly. "And like his father, grandfather, and great grandfather before him, he chose to ignore..."
Again, she paused, massaging her temples.
"Search the study, is my advice to you" she finally answered, wearily. "I'm afraid I'm tired now, children. I need a good, rest, after all that reminising. Good luck with your search." With that, she closed her eyes, and they were dismissed.
~~~
They wandered off, through the rose garden, leaving Rosie to her nap.
"So... are we going to search Uncle Jem's study?" Winnie asked, looking up at her brother, as they strolled, amongst the fragrant flowers. Milo shrugged.
"I'm not sure... I don't see how we can, when we don't know who might walk in on us. In fact, Uncle Jem is probably in there anyway. We can't just go in, and tell him we're just going to poke around, looking for some magical stone. This whole thing is even more complicated than I originally thought."
He sat down on the grass, and pondered their options. Winnie sat down next to him, randomly plucking daisies from the grass, in front of her.
"We don't even know what we're looking for. Chanah's description of the stone is useless, if what Rosie says is true." Suddenly, he frowned, as if some previously buried memory had risen to the forefront of his mind. "I wonder..." He got to his feet, and took off in the direction of the house, Winnie not far behind him.
"Where are you going?" she called out. But he didn't answer. Ignoring Violets earlier instruction, of no running in the house, Milo sped through the hall, and up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. Winnie stopped running, and started up the steps, at a brisk trot.
When she caught up with Milo, she found him in her bedroom, searching through the top drawer, in her dressing table.
"What are you doing? These are my things... you have no right to come in here and take them!" But Milo didn't answer, and continued to scrabble around, inside the drawer, searching intently. Finally, he found what he was looking for.
"Aha!" he exclaimed, turning to a disgruntled looking Winnie. "Now, I could be wrong, and most likely I am, but it just occurred to me, if the earth magic changed the appearence of the stone, would it change to a colour of the earth. Two colours spring to mind, one being brown, and the other being..."
"Green!" exclaimed Winnie, as Milo opened his palm, and revealed an earring, set with a large grass green stone. The earring that they had found in the field the day before. The beautifully-polished, cabochan half-sphere gleamed in the centre of Milo's hand.
Winnie looked up at him, her eyes glittering with excitment. "I hope you're right Milo."
"So do I," he agreed, "And if this is one half of the Key-Stone, we need to find the other one."
"And if it isn't?"
"We're no worse off than we are now. At least we'll be looking for something specific."
"Maybe we could ask Rosie about it. She said there would be something unusual about it. Maybe she would know."
"How is she going to do that, when she can't even see it? I suppose we could ask Chanah, she might know more about the spell than Rosie, considering she is an Elf. But she is trying to find Sorren. We probably shouldn't bother her so soon."
"Well, if we are going to look for the other earring, we should probably start in the field then," said Winnie, "seeing as that is where we found this one."
Milo fiddled with the earring, as he answered.
"No, Chanah said that it was in the house," Milo replied. He nodded, as if to confirm the elven woman's words. "Yep, it's in here, hidden away somewhere. I can feel it." He let out a triumphant exclaimation, as the green stone came loose from it's silver fitting, and tumbled into his palm, where it lay, sunlight streaming through the window glinting upon the highly polished surface.
"So..." said Winnie, "What do we do now?"
DP is pretty much the same as the last one, though now you have far more information to go on. They have been advised to look in the study, but Jem is around somewhere, most likely in the study itself, and Violet and Old Bob will be on the look out too. So gaining access to it will not be easy. They also have a theory on the appearence of stone itself, but they may be wrong, and might possibly need a little more info before beginning their search. But they also have very little time. So... what should they do?
Hope the DP is okay, and hope you liked the chapter. Thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sat Apr 10, 2010 3:37 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, that was a bit of an info dump, but it was told in the form of a story, so it was actually decent. Hmm, I can't think of anything extraordinary right now for the DP. Searching Jem's study still seems the most logical path. Perhaps Milo can distract Violet and then Winnie can sneak into her room to see if she can find the key to the study
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Mastermind
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| Posted: Sat Apr 10, 2010 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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Egh. I don't have any idea. Soo... 
Since they found half of the key in the forest, it's possible that the pieces have been lost or forgotten over time - or that the half Jem still has is guarded even more securely. Either way, Jem's study is a good place to start looking.
Didn't they find a locket or something along with their half of the key? What happened to it?
Also, I think it's "reminiscing", with a "c".
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Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 6:24 am Post subject: |
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Looking back at the conversation with Chanah, she used her magic pendant to locate the key stone, and said that it was in the house.
Since Winnie's half (the earring) was definitely in the house, then the other half will have to be there, too.
I don't think this is something that is going to be found in the study. If it has been hidden for generations, then it will be hidden in a place nobody is likely to think of looking. I''m talking cellars, secret rooms and passages.
I think the direction the children should take should be down to the basement.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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Poll is up guys!
Thanks for the comments and suggestions, and I'll try and get a new chapter up some time next week!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:40 am Post subject: |
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Poll is now closed...
As I have said on 'Fathom', painting has just taken over at the moment, so I have been a little neglectful of my SGs. But that will change now, I am determined, and hopefully I will have a new chapter up by the beginning of next week, sooner, with any luck.
Thanks for reading and voting!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Smee
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| Posted: Wed May 05, 2010 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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Gah missed it. Bleugh
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| Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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Here it is, finally! Sorry about the delay. I've had terrible block for a few weeks, and have been unable to write anything. But I was hit by sudden inspiration today, and thought I'd better not waste it. So I may have rushed it a little in case it disappeared again. I hope it's okay.
SparkleSteps - Chapter 7
Both children went to bed that night, trying to figure out what their next move should be. But, long after Winnie had fallen asleep, Milo continued to lie awake, going over what both Chanah and Rosie had told them that day. He held the green stone, tightly in his fist, over his heart, as if to keep it near would give him some inspiration.
Depending on whether Jem was at home the next day, there was a chance they might be able to sneak into his study at some point, but it would be awfully risky, even if he wasn't there. Violet and Old Bob were constantly around, the latter making a point of keeping an eye on them, watching out for any wrong moves.
Milo decided that, despite Rosie's suggestion, they should probably explore elsewhere first. But he didn't know where to begin. The house was truly enormous, with dozens of rooms on each floor. They hadn't even seen half of their vast abode, and now they needed to search it thoroughly, possibly from top to bottom, to try and find a tiny green stone, which may or may not be what they were looking for. And they had no idea which room was where. If they wanted to explore the attic, or the basement, or the east and west wings, they didn't have a clue how to reach any of of them.
Milo sighed. Everything sounded so vague, and was based entirely on possibilities. He held the green stone, 'possibly' the key-stone, up to the lamp light, and marvelled silently at the swirling, shifting colours, revealled in the warm glow. Whether it was the key-stone or not, there was definitely something unusual about the green crystal. He had never seen such a breathtaking array of shades of green.
When he removed it from the light, the swirling colours disappeared, and it returned to the grass- green it had been before. He closed it again in his fist, and then closed his eyes, and tried to sleep, though he still pondered over what they should do the next day. Then suddenly it came to him. He opened his eyes as the memory popped into his head.
When he and Winnie had been in the kitchen that morning, with Rosie, Violet had walked in. And she had said...
"If you wanted to look around the house, you should have asked me to show you." He repeated the housekeeper's words, in a whisper. Would Violet give them a tour of the house? "Surely she would rather that, than for us to go off exploring alone, " he said to himself with a mischievious grin.
He mental made a list of the rooms they would most likely find the stone. Basement, attic, study, though there was little chance of the tour extending into that room, and to be on the look out for any rooms containing alot, or some, old antiques and heirlooms. Maybe they might be able to get that kind of information out of Violet too. He wondered briefly, if there might be any secret rooms, or passages, as many old houses did have them. And that would be a perfect place to hide something as precious as half of the key-stone.
Plans now made, Milo fell asleep soon afterwards, the green stone held to his chest, and a smile upon his face, images of spiralling, twirling colours, and secret doors, swimming through his head, and into his dreams.
~~~
He was woken the next morning, by the sudden blast of sunlight on his face, when Violet undrew his bedroom curtains. He groaned, and covered his eyes, to block out the searing light.
"Wakey, wakey, rise and shine, little man. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all you want to do is lounge around in bed all day." Violet seemed in a very good mood, but then she usually was. She beamed down at him, pulling his duvet off the bed, and shaking it out. "Come on, out you get. I have to make the bed. I haven't got all day, you know."
Milo sat up, and slid out of bed.
"What time is it?" he asked, yawning and stretching at the same time.
"A quarter to eleven, lazy bones," replied Violet, grinning impishly. "I sorted out your clothes for you. They're in the bathroom. Now go and have a shower and get dressed. Your sister has been up for hours, though don't ask me where she is, because I have no idea. I keep bumping into her every now and again, but she never seems to be doing much."
While Violet chattered away, Milo realised that Winnie must already be searching for the other half of the key stone. He rushed over to the bathroom, closed the door and jumped in the shower. He was out within five minutes and hurridly changed into his clean clothes.
Looking a little flustered, he shot back out of the bathroom, nearly bumping into Violet.
"Milo, what have I told you about running in the house. What's the rush?"
"Nothing," replied Milo, trying to not sound suspicious. "I just wanted to go and find Winnie, that's all. Where did you see her last?"
"She was just pottering around in the hall," answered Violet, as she folded some clean laundery into the large chest of drawers. "Seemed a little bored. Yes, go and find her, and get outside and play. Can't waste weather like this."
Milo nodded his ascent, and was just about to scoot off, when he remembered his plans from the night before.
"Violet, would you be able to give us a tour of the house a little later on?" Violet stopped what she was doing, and looked at him questioningly. "It's just that, you said, if we wanted to look around, that we should ask you to show us. So could you... please?"
Violet paused for a moment, then her face relaxed as she accepted the explaination. "Well, I'll be be busy for much of the day. I might be able to give you an hour or two this evening, okay?" It was a long time to wait, perhaps too long, but it was all that they had. Milo nodded, and then disappeared out into the hall, and went to search for Winnie.
~~~
Milo found her still wandering around in the hall. He ducked down, behind an antique ottoman, on the landing, and watched her for a moment, through the bars of the bannister rail.
To anyone walking through the hall, she would seem to be just innocently admiring the various aspects of the room, the deep-blue silk curtains, the swirling black and white of the marble floor, the elaborately carved doors to Jems study. But as Milo watched, he could tell that she was actually searching, and mentally marking what room was where. Every now and then, she would look around, to make sure that no one was watching, and would then quickly nip through one of the many doors, and into the room beyond. A moment later, she would reappear, and act like nothing had happened.
Milo smiled, amused at his sisters intelligence and stealth. Violet had bumped into her more than once that morning, and seemed none the wiser for it. He got up from his crouched position, and made his way down the stairs. Winnie turned, and beamed up at him as he descended. He laughed.
"You're such a little sneak," he said, ruffling her golden locks. "You fooled Violet. She hasn't got a clue what you're up to. So, have you found anything?"
"I didn't really look for the key-stone," she replied. "I just thought it would be useful to know where all these doors lead. So I've just been having a quick look around, and then coming back out here, just in case Violet caught me."
She turned and, going around in a clockwise direction, from the stairs, pointed to each door and named the room to which it lead.
"Blue lounge, dining room, kitchen, pantry, Uncle Jem's study, that one leads into a corridor, which goes to the greenhouse, pink lounge, bathroom, laundrey room, that one leads into another corridor, which goes outside into a little courtyard, sewing room, and the last one is a little storage room." She stepped to the side and pointed down between the staircase, and the other doors on their right. There was another doorway at the far end. "That leads into the east wing, and there is another one on the other side, which leads to the west wing. But I didn't go very far into there. It's all dark and dusty, like no one has been there for a very long time."
Then Winnie walked down towards the door to the east wing, and stopped about half way, turning towards the staircase. Here there was another door, set into the wall beneath the stairs. Winnie opened the door, and Milo saw that there was a narrow staircase leading down into total darkness.
"This one goes into the basement. And I think that this is where we should begin our search."
"Why?" said Milo, squinting, to see if he could make out anything in the black. Winnie shrugged.
"I don't know, I just have a feeling that there is something down there. I don't know if it's the key-stone, but there is something. Something important. Can't you feel it?"
Milo concentrated, and almost instantly, he felt a small prickle of awareness, as he gazed into the depths of the basement.
"You're right," he replied, "There is something down there." He looked around, on the walls inside the doorway. "Is there a light switch?" Winnie shook her head.
"I couldn't find one," she said, "Maybe there's one at the bottom."
"Well, just in case there isn't, we're going to need a torch or something." Even as he said it, Milo cursed himself for losing Old Bob's lantern in the forest. It would have been ideal.
~~~
Ten minutes later, they were all set, having found a small torch in the large oak dresser, in the hall. They took a quick look around the hall, watching and listening to see if anyone was around. The house was silent, save for the ticking of the grandfather clock, so they opened the basement door, and slipped inside. Milo closed the door behind them, and they found themselves swamped in the pitch black.
He felt along the torch for the switch, found it and flicked it on, and the torch spluttered into life. The light was dim, and inconsistant, the bulb continually going dark, and then lighting up again. Both children hoped that there was a light switch at the bottom, as they knew that the torch wouldn't hold out forever, and neither of them wanted to be stuck down in the gloom when it finally gave out.
Despite their reservations about the excursion, knowing that, at some point, they might be unable to see what was around them, they continued on anyway. Milo went first, slowly making his way down the stairs, Winnie following close behind.
The dim light of the torch touched upon various objects scattered around the base of the stairs, and on the walls. There were weapons, swords, axes and spears, along with shields, mounted on the walls, glinting wickedly in the muted gleam. The children stared at them nervously as they passed. At intervals down the staircase, paintings were stacked against the wall, though they were unable to get a good look at the subjects, due to the weak lighting.
Winnie squealed as the glare caught a heavily-painted face, grinning eerily at them. But it turned out to belong to a clown puppet, hung up on the wall alongside the weaponry. Bright orange hair surrounded the white face, and the red painted nose and blue encircled smile, stood out against the stark background. It was a beautifully made, but utterly grotesque thing, and both Milo and Winnie were happy to move on from it.
On reaching the bottom of the stairs, they had another shock, as a tall figure loomed over them. They gasped, and backed up a few steps. But the figure turned out to be an old suit of armour, stood in all it's glory, posed with a sword lifted above it's head, ready to strike. Milo gazed at it in awe, a wistful look in his eyes, as he imagined himself dressed in the armour, ready to ride out to battle.
He suddenly noticed, behind the armour, in the dim glow of the torch, a light switch on the wall. He approached, crossed his fingers, held his breath, and hoped, as he flicked the switch. For a moment, nothing happened. Then a faint buzzing noise preceded a nearbly light bulb bursting into life. It flickered for a moment, and they feared it would go out. But soon it was glowing steadily, and both children breathed a sigh of relief.
The bulb only lit up one part of the room. They could see faint outlines of more objects beyond it, in the shadows, and they concluded that, either the other bulbs had died, or that there was another light switch. They didn't let it bother them, as they began to explore the already lit area.
Milo had expected to find the room full of cluttered junk, but found that everything was tidy and in order. Tables, desks and chairs were scattered about the room, covered in neat piles of books and papers, alongside various knick-knacks. Weaponry continued to emblazon most of the walls. There were boxes in an orderly stack against one wall, each marked with the contents, and tightly sealed. A large ornate trunk was against the opposite wall.
It was this trunk that grabbed Milo's attention. He crossed the room and knelt down beside it. He ran a finger over the sumptuously elaborate golden swirls, which decorated the entire trunk, on top of a deep-blue background. He followed the pattern, down to a lock, of equally intricate detail as the rest of the box. The metal had been moulded into a pair of wolves, howling towards a cresent moon, positioned either side of the key-hole.
There was something inside the trunk, Milo could feel it. But even before he tried to lift the lid, he knew that it would be locked. Sure enough, the lid stuck, and wouldn't budge.
"It's locked!" hissed Milo, in frustration. "We need the key, and God knows where we're going to find that." He looked up at Winnie. "There is something in here, in this trunk. We have to get it open." Winnie nodded her agreement. Then her eyes widened, as she remembered something.
"We found a key, in the field. Maybe that would fit."
"It's worth a try," replied Milo, "You wait here, while I go and fetch it. I'll be two minutes."
Winnie shook her head, eyes wide with fear.
"No Milo, I don't want to stay down here alone!"
"Don't be silly, there's nothing down here. It's just an old junk room. I will be quick, I promise. Just wait right here." Before she could protest further, he shot back up the stairs, and slipped out into the hall.
Luckily the hall was still empty. He flew up the staircase to Winnie's room, and rifled desperately through the contents of her treasure drawer. He found the key quickly, and held it up a moment to look at it. It was rusty, and worn looking. So much so, that Milo could hardly believe that it could possibly be what they were looking for. Except for one thing. One thing that made him realise that one shouldn't always trust first appearences. An emblem was crafted, at the end of the twisted design of the handle. It portrayed two wolves, baying to the cresent moon.
~~~
Milo ran, two steps at a time, back down the main staircase, and around to the basement door. In his excitement, he nearly forgot to check, to see if anyone was watching. Luckily. they weren't, and he was able to enter the basement, once again unseen. He closed the door behind him, and turned, nearly bumping into Winnie, who stood trembling at the top of the stairs.
"I heard something down there!" she whispered, looking fearfully down into the room below.
"Like what?"
"I don't know, sort of like a scratching, scraping noise."
"It was probably just a mouse or something," said Milo reasurringly. "Don't worry. I'm back now. Come one. I've got the key, and I'm certain it's the right one for the trunk. Let's go and find out what;s inside." He started back down the steps. Winnie looked after him nervously, and paused at the top for a moment. But then she followed him down, constantly looking around the room, for any movement.
Milo was down beside the chest in a heartbeat, and fitting the key into the lock. He took a deep breath, and turned it. The key turned, as smooth as butter, and they heard a soft click. The trunk was unlocked.
Milo was just about to open the lid, when a noise stopped him. A scraping noise. He looked up at Winnie, who was clearly scared out of her wits.
"That's the noise I heard before," she whispered.
Milo looked into the shadowy part of the room, where the noise was coming from. It wasn't a mouse, it was far too loud. It almost sounded like something heavy, being dragged along the floor, and to his horror, Milo realised that it was coming towards them.
"Winnie!" he cried, "Get back up the stairs! Back up the stairs now!" He got to his feet, and was just about to run for it, when a rough, male voice erupted from the shadows.
"Halt! Stay where you are... don't move a muscle!"
Okay, dp is what do they do now? Do as the voice says (even though they have no idea who it is) and stay, continue running, or something else? If they choose to run, should they tell a member of the household that there is someone in the basement, and risk getting in deep trouble? You decide. I hope that chapter and the dp are both okay, and I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Wed May 26, 2010 3:16 am; edited 1 time in total
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Thunderbird
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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You certainly were inspired, I think this is one of your better chapters. You have a gift for description which enriches your stories and is a pleasure to read. In this chapter you did well to avail yourself of that skill, especially because every exploration requires detail (in fact, your entire story consists mostly of explorations; you seem to follow a certain formula in which your characters penetrate some dark/mysterious place/item only to find that it is already occupied/possessed by someone/something/owner).
I only wish you had spent more time on the DP. Rather than plan ahead and build the story around the DP, it seems you simply found a good break for the story and threw in the DP out of obligation. Out of habit, you present us with a DP similar to the one when the kids were stuck in the forest and were talking to the elf lady. Only that in this case, they don't know who this person is. Personally I'm still curious about what's in the trunk. Milo should open it and see what is inside before attempting to flee. It's a bit of a wildcard, but I'm willing to risk it.
By the way, I know that I often complain about DPs, not only in this story, but in many others, and I think it's because a number of authors on this site (especially newcomers, naturally) are not fully committed to the interactivity. They are writing primarily a linear story and they try to appease the readers on this site by following the storygame rules, but they go about the DP with a certain reluctance. As a reader, I want something that will challenge me and make me consider the options carefully. My advice to you is: if you want to write a good storygame, you must commit yourself fully to the interactivity.
Overall, I'd say this chapter is a strong effort. Now perhaps you need a bit more patience to weave it all in to a well-crafted DP.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 6:20 am Post subject: |
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I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get around to this one. But I agree, this is a rich chapter, very colourful and great images.
It's the small prickle of awareness I'm intrigued about. Both Milo and Winnie felt it. Was it just an adrenalin rush, or some kind of inner knowledge that made them know that the basement was the place they should be looking? And if so, was it actually the stone that caused this prickle of awareness, or something else? It didn't seem to get any stronger as they went downstairs so perhaps it is more of a knowledge than a physical proximity.
That something alive is lurking in the basement that up to now has been kept locked is very mysterious. How would it have got here?
Running away is not going to achieve anything, and they may not get such a great opportunity to explore the basement again. Yes, they might get caught by Violet or their uncle if they run now, but they might also get caught by them if they stay. At least then some uncomfortable questions might have to be answered if this new character cannot be explained away easily.
So, the stranger wants them to stay - fine. But with all these excellent artifacts hung around the walls it would be a shame not to make use of them!
I say grab a weapon or a shield from the wall. They may only be children, but at least they could show this person/creature that they're not to be messed with. Let's see what it has to say then.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 10:26 am Post subject: |
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I was going to suggest doing as told... not moving a muscle. But I do like Crunchy's idea too... maybe to embellish, run and hide in the suit of armor? I don't like the adults much in this tale (not due to the writer) and don't feel they can be trusted. I was also wondering about the quality of the voice that warned them, and did it seem to come from the sraping noise or perhaps elsewhere?
I'm enjoying this story, though the previous chapter before this one threw me off in a few places, and I'd only know you were speaking of a flashlight when you say 'torch' because my wife's australian. (We yanks don't call 'em torches so it might help to interchange the term flashlight once in a while... for our benefits (sheesh... another arrogant American demand, no?))
I can't say as I'm really enamoured with our elven maiden either. Something doesn't seem quite right about her. These kids are really good at diving head first into a whole world of affairs they don't understand anything about.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks D, Crunchy, and TB, for your comments, and suggestions. Always much apprieciated, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Due to the fact that I felt I had to rush it, in case my block returned, I was worried that it wouldn't be good enough. But you've all put my mind at rest.
Sorry about the dp D. As I said, I kinda rushed the whole thing, so I didn't take much time over it. Not that that's any excuse for it, and I'll try and do better on the next one.
I'm glad that I've been able to get across that the kids don't know who around them can be trusted, whether they seem nice or not, and also that they both possess an 'inner knowledge', as Crunchy put it. It is something I wanted to gradually introduce into the story.
I will try to remember to vary the dialogue, and have UK and US versions of words, to make it easier to understand. It doesn't usually occur to me, when I'm writing, that I might be using words that other people don't. But I will try to keep it in mind from now on.
My block hasn't completely cleared, though I have rough ideas for the next chapter, depending on the outcome of the dp. So I will leave it open for a few more days, before putting up the poll.
Thanks again guys!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 3:39 pm Post subject: |
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Poll is up guys!
If possible, I will try and get another chapter up by next weekend.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2010 2:02 am Post subject: |
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| Ah haven't missed the vote yet! *votes*
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Jun 25, 2010 4:34 am Post subject: |
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Poll is closed... now I just have to get past the remaining block, and write the damn chapter.
Thanks for voting guys, and I'll have the new one up as soon as possible!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 5:35 am Post subject: |
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| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | Poll is closed... now I just have to get past the remaining block, and write the damn chapter.
Thanks for voting guys, and I'll have the new one up as soon as possible! |
This is the point where you realize how difficult it really is to finish anything.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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Tell me about it!
I am trying to write, and hope to have the next chapter up soon. But yes, the further into the story you get, the harder it seems to become. Is driving me crazy!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:12 am Post subject: |
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| Ah, but it's a good crazy! Keep at it! Hope to see a new instalment soon.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 9:30 am Post subject: |
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After many months of being unable to write, having no idea what to write, and being generally frustrated everytime I tried to write, I have a new chapter. Though considering the lack of IFians around these days, I shouldn't think it was too much of a problem. Hope you enjoy!
SparkleSteps - Chapter 8
At the sound of the voice, Milo paused, not knowing whether he should do as the voice told them. But the dragging noise continued to approach, and he decided that if he was sticking around, he was not going to do so unarmed. He turned and bolted towards the stairs.
"No! Stop!" the voice rasped, and the dragging quickened in pace slightly. Milo grabbed the nearest weapon, a long, silver spear from the wall, and turned to face whatever came for them, while Winnie looked on, her eyes wide with fear. A powerful sense of invincibility filled Milo as he held the spear in his hands. He chanced a look down at the strange markings engraved down the shaft, running his thumb over them. He wondered, for a moment, what they meant. But then a movement in the shadows, in front of him, caught his eye, and his attention returned to the task at hand.
"Stay where you are!" he commanded, "Don't come any closer!" The dragging stopped abruptly, along with the shape that was emerging from the darkness. "Who are you, and what do you want from us?"
"The stone," answered the rough voice. "Just give me the stone, and you may leave... unharmed." The shape swayed slightly, as if it's balance was a little off. Then an arm extended from the shadows, and into the light, and Milo was surprised to see that it looked human. "Please, I need it... I need it to..."
"Come into the light," Milo interrupted. The shape didn't move, except to withdraw the hand.
"Please!" the voice moaned, his voice breaking. The followed sniffling, and sharp intakes of breath, made Milo realise that the figure was crying. His resolve to harm it began to crack, and he found himself feeling pity. But he couldn't risk being lured into a trap.
"Come into the light," he repeated, "Once I've seen your face, then we'll talk."
The figure paused a moment longer, then let out a defeated sigh, before doing as Milo asked. With a limping gait, it moved into the glow of the overhead bulb and the children gasped.
The man that stood before them was still fairly young in years, though his raggedly-garbed, emaciated body made him look older. His cheeks were hollow, and his face gaunt, surrounded and covered in matted, saffron-coloured hair. As he stood there, he swayed and trembled with weakness, from lack of food and water. The dragging noise, the children realised, had been made by the man's right leg, which hung at an angle, from just below the knee, and was drenched in thick, foul smelling blood. Tears in his clothing revealed further injury, in the form of long gashes all over his body. The blue and gold eyes that looked up at them were hauntingly fearful, and pleading, leaking tears in a constant stream.
"You're an... an elf... like Chanah," said Milo, as he met the eyes. "What happened to you?"
"You know Chanah?" The elven man's voice rasped through his dry, cracked lips. Milo turned to Winnie.
"Sneak into the kitchen, and fetch him some water." Winnie nodded, and disappeared, silently, back through the basement door. Milo returned his gaze to the man. "Yes, we know Chanah. We met her yesterday in the forest. She came here looking for..."
"Sorren!" the man cried, before Milo could finish. "She can't help Sorren now, the creature has him. She cannot be allowed to go to him. It's a trap!"
"What do you mean 'it's a trap'? And how do you know all of this?" Milo suddenly feared for the elven woman. Despite her strength and skill, she was out there alone, searching for her lover. Whatever it was that had caused the elf-man's injuries, was not a creature to be trifled with.
"I was in the forest with Sorren when the creature attacked" The man slumped to the floor as he spoke, his strength spent. "My name is Mot, Sorren is my best friend. The creature caught us both, but I managed to escape... barely." He looked scornfully at the injured leg. "It holds Sorren prisoner, to lure Chanah to it, but it has no use for him. His blood is no good."
"His blood?" said Milo, "Why does it need blood? And how does it know that Chanah is here? She didn't come here with you."
"It doesn't know that she's here," Mot replied, "But it knew she would come. The Veeka has the ability to read minds and..."
"The Veeka," Milo interrupted, "So he is not dead?"
"No, the monster still lives," answered Mot, grimacing as he rearranged his injured leg in front of him. Milo could see that the leg was nearly completely severed just below the knee. Winnie returned at that moment, with the water.
"Sorry I took so long," she said handing the glass to Mot, "Violet nearly caught me. I brought you this too." She handed him a piece of fresh bread and butter. "I'll get you some more later." She smiled at him, and he smiled back.
"Thankyou," he replied, and set about consuming the food and water.
"How did you get in here?" Milo asked suddenly, wondering how Mot had managed to get past Old Bob and Violet. Mot pointed towards the far end of the room, which was still blanketed in shadow.
"There is a tunnel, a secret passage leading to the waterfall in the grounds. It branches off into two directions. I chose one, and luckily ended up in here. I have no idea where the other path leads."
"If we went to find Chanah, we could bring her back here to keep her safe from the Veeka." Milo paused for a moment. "Why does the Veeka want her anyway? You said that Sorrens blood was no good. What is so special about Chanah's?"
"Elves have special blood, which determines the type of powers that they will possess when they come of age. There are four, Skylans of the air, Earthies of the earth, Embers of the fire, and Aquania of the water. When the Veeka was in his elven form, he was the most powerful of all the elven sorcerers. He stole the powers of others so that he could control magic of all kinds, and would, as such, become unbeatable. But the process took a long time and many lives to achieve, and before he could finish, his plans were discovered. The four high magicians combined their powers to hold the Veeka, while the Grand High magician transformed him into a monster, and stripped him of his powers. He was placed in the dungeons beneath Rho-ad, and remained there for many years. Over time he began to regain some of his powers, though these were very weak. He knew that the only way he would be able to return to the powerful being that he once was, he would need to steal the powers of others once again, specifically from a being of each of the power races. So he escaped, and managed to kill those who were sent after him, and, in turn, gained the blood of three of the races."
"Tianna was a Skylan," said Winnie, rememebering the story from the book. Mot nodded.
"She was indeed. Religan, another of the warriors, was an Ember, and the last, Frith, was an Aquania. The Veeka needs only one more to return."
"An Earthie," said Milo, "Chanah is an Earthie." Mot nodded.
"And she is out in that forest, looking for Sorren, who is in the power of that beast. She's practically walking into certain death, and possibly the death of her entire race, and here I am helpless to do anything about it. I fear it's down to the two of you. You have to warn her, get her out of there. There is nothing she can do for Sorren now, as much as it pains me to say it." Tears entered the elven man's eyes. "He's been my friend since we were children. The thought that I will never see him again is..." His words drifted off, as he became overcome with emotion for a moment. Then he seemed to pull himself together, and turned back to the children. "Go, warn Chanah now, before it is too late. Go!"
The children hurried to their feet, at the obvious urgency in his voice, and headed up the stairs towards the door. They looked back once, at the slumped figure of Mot, who watched them ascend. Then they left the basement. They checked that the coast was clear, before hurrying out, closing the door firmly behind them, and began to climb the staircase to their rooms.
"We'll call her with the whistle that she gave us," said Milo, as they hurried across the landing, and entered their lounge area. "As long as she's not hurt, she'll be out of there in no time." He went through to his bedroom, and slipped a hand beneath his pillow, where he'd hidden the whistle the night before. He frowned in puzzlement when his fingers found nothing, and he lifted the pillow away. The whistle wasn't there. Horrified, he removed all of the bedding, to see if it had somehow slipped further down the bed without him noticing. But he found nothing, the whistle was gone. Winnie stood anxiously next to him.
"Where is it Milo?" she asked urgently. He shrugged hopelessly.
"I don't know, I was sure I left it there."
"Maybe you took it in to breakfast this morning without realising," said Winnie, heading back towards the lounge, "I'll go se..." She stopped dead in her tracks, and never finished her sentence. Milo followed to see what was wrong, and his eyes widened with horror, as he saw the cause of Winnie's distress. Sat opposite them, in one of the armchairs, was Jem, and from his hand dangled the silver whistle.
"Looking for this?"
His blue eyes were hard as cold steel, and pure fury was etched into his face.
"Violet found this, this morning when she turned down your beds. Where did you get it?" His voice was calm, but danger lurked behind the words, threatening bad things would happen shoud they lie. But they had no choice.
"We... we found it... i... in the grounds," Milo stuttered, knowing that his uncle wouldn't believe the feeble half-truth.
"Where did you get it?" repeated Jem, his voice aquiring an impatient edge.
"I just told... "
"LIES!" Jems roared. "I know exactly what this is Milo, and I know that someone must have given it to you. Now tell me who!"
Milo didn't know what to do or say, so he just stood there, Winnie alongside him. Jem's mouth twisted with anger.
"Fine, you don't want to tell me, that's up to you. But I am taking this... " he held up the whistle by it's long silver chain " ...with me. And the two of you will be confined to your rooms, until you decide to be more co-oprative." He stormed out of the room, and slammed the door, and the children heard the key turning in the lock. Violet's voice reached them, as she said something to Jem out on the landing. They heard him answer angrily, and then footsteps walking away.
"What are we going to do now, Milo?" asked Winnie, her eyes filling with tears. "Chanah needs our help. We have to get out of here."
"Yes, we do," Milo replied, "But what happens even if we manage to do that. Without the whistle, the only way we can warn her, is to go back into the forest ourselves."
DP is how do they get out, and what do they do once they are? Hope it's okay. Thanks for reading!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2010 6:58 am Post subject: |
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Well written, Tiki. Well written indeed...
My choice would be this: Mot goes to free the kids via some secret passage in the bathroom. But it's only big enough for Winnie to go through, because Milo's been leading the charge so far. Mot explains that he's found a way into the rafters of Jem's study, so they go there.....
And I know you'll do something with that.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2010 8:46 am Post subject: |
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Thanks Master Weaver! I really glad you liked it!
I myself have been thinking that Milo seems to have the leading roll in the story, and that Winnie is being pushed into the background a little, which was not the intention when I started. Him being the older sibling, of course he would be the one making the decisions, so the logical way for Winnie to shine, would be for her to separate from Milo, to do an important task, as you have suggested.
Thankyou for the comment, and hopefully I will be able to do something with it.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2010 11:25 pm Post subject: |
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I think that sneaking through passages would be too obvious at this stage. The only other magical things they have are the half of the stone, and the book. I think that perhaps if they look at the book again, it may contain something that will save them.
Look at the book!
Good chapter.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 9:38 am Post subject: |
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Tie sheets together to make a rope and get out from the window... make their way to the basement again and retrieve some weaponry, notably the spear. Then forge ahead into the darkness to find their new friend!
Oh, and... sorry I missed this at first... didn't realize there was a new chappy out til now!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:05 am Post subject: |
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No worries TB!
Thanks all, for the suggestions! I'll leave it open for a few more days before putting up the poll, and then we'll see if I can get back into the routine of at least one chapter a month. *crosses fingers*
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 8:58 am Post subject: |
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Poll is up! Thanks for reading, and for the suggestions. I hope you enjoyed it!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 8:40 am Post subject: |
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Looks like our two brave little soldiers are going for an escape, only to return to the perilous realm of the forest, armed to the teeth, to find their friend!
Thanks for voting folks, and I'll see if I can get another chapter up soon!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:04 pm Post subject: |
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Just under two months... not too bad considering my recent track record...
SparkleSteps - Chapter Nine
Milo kicked the doorframe, of his bedroom, in annoyance.
"I can't believe Violet did that," he said, angrily, "Why did she have to take it to Uncle Jem!" He slid down the wall, and sat leaning against it on the floor. He closed his eyes, desperately trying to figure out a way around this latest problem. "Think, think, think, think, think..." He opened his eyes again, and looked around the room, his eyes pausing scornfully upon the locked door. "It looks like the only possible way out... is through the window." He stood up again, and walked over and opened it, looking down, to see if they could climb down. The drop was practically sheer, with no footholds, save a window sill or two, each too far apart to be of any use in their endeavour. "We'll need a rope or something. There's no way we can get to the ground otherwise. How Chanah managed to get up here that first night is beyond me."
"What about sheets?" said Winnie. Milo turned to face her, enquiringly. "We could tie the bedsheets together to make a rope. Violet found the whistle when she was making the beds this morning, that's what made me think of it."
"Win, you're a genius!" Milo exclaimed, planting a kiss upon the top of his sisters golden head. "Right, you strip your bed, and I'll do the same with mine. Sheet's, duvet covers, pillowcases, everything. It has to be long enough to reach down to the ground." Winnie nodded that she understood, and headed towards her room to do as her brother had instructed. Five minutes later, they were well into knotting the fabric firmly together. Even though he knew it was wrong, Milo couldn't help feeling a little glad that Violet would have to unknot and clean these sheets, and remake the beds at some point. He was still irked that she had tattled on them to Jem.
It took longer than expected to tie the sheets tightly enough, so that the knots wouldn't loosen, when they climbed down. They decided to use the window in Milo's room, as the end of the sheet rope could be tied to his four-poster bed, which was situated next to the window. It also wasn't quite as visible from the rose gardens, where Old Bob was working in the flower beds.
Milo knotted the end sheet securely to the bedpost, and with a quick scan of the grounds below, he threw the makeshift rope out of the window, watching it fall, gracefully uncoiling, until it nearly reached the ground. He stepped out onto the window ledge, and, using the knots in the fabric as footholds at intervals down the length, he decended, reaching the solid ground within minutes. Then he motioned for Winnie to follow. She ventured out onto the ledge, looking nervous as she did so.
"Milo, I don't think I can do this!" she half whispered, half squeaked, glancing down at the ground below.
"You have to Win," he repiled, glancing around to make sure that no one had heard them. "We must find Chanah, and warn her. Come on, you saw me do it, now you just have to do the same."
"What if I fall?" she said, sitting down on the window ledge, and taking hold of the first sheet.
"You won't fall. Now come on, quickly, before someone catches us. If that happens, Uncle Jem will prevent us from trying again. This is our only chance Win. Just take a deep breath, and do it." Milo saw her give a small nod, and a look of determination appeared on her face. She did as he'd said, took a long, deep breath, closed her eyes, and slipped off the edge.
Her progress to the ground was alot slower than Milo's had been, but she remained focused on the task at hand, and before long she stood, looking proud and exhilarated, next to her brother. Milo gave her a quick, silent congratulatory hug, for her bravery, then they prepared for the more difficult job of getting across the grounds, to the forest, without being seen.
Milo peered around the wall, towards the rose gardens. Old Bob was still there, with his garden fork, stabbing it brutally into the ground and churning up the soil. Then he turned back to Winnie.
"Now comes the hard part, how are we going to get past him?" He thought about it for a moment. "Unless he leaves, we can't. If we move away from here, he's bound to see us. It would be a game of chance to risk it."
"Milo, what are we going to do, if we do manage to get to the forest?" asked Winnie, looking up at him. "We have no light, and we have no protection. It was different when we had the whistle, we could just call Chanah to us. Now we're going to have to go to her. What about the Harlimane? There might be more of them, and other monsters besides. And the Veeka, what if we run into that before we find Chanah?"
Milo frowned, as he puzzled through his sister's words. She was right, and the same questions had been bothering him, though he'd tried to push them aside and concentrate on their escape first.
"The basement..." Winnie said suddenly. "Milo, there are weapons in the basement. Mot said that there was a way to get in, through the cave behind the waterfall. If we had some of those with us, we might stand a chance."
Milo smiled.
"You're on fire today Win! Good idea, and at least it gives us somewhere to aim for, so that we can figure out a way to get past Old Bob." He scanned the grounds between them and the old man. There were no large trees or bushes to hide behind. It was an impossible route. "I think we're going to have to try going around the house, this way," he said, pointing in the opposite direction. "I don't know the way to the waterfall from that direction, but it's the only chance we've got. I only hope that Violet's not around too, as she's been found to be no more trustworthy than Old Bob. Come on, lets go."
~~~
Skirting the walls, they made their way cautiously around to the opposite side of the house, always on the look out for one of the adults, who might be lurking around the next corner. The house was vast, and, though they tried to be as quick as they could, the need for vigilance meant that their progress was slow.
When they finally made it to the other side, they slumped down against the wall, and breathed a sigh of relief. Then they began to plan their next move. To their right, they could see the forest, and they knew it was the direction they needed to go in. The waterfall was near the 'sea' of grass, which was situated along the path bordering the forest itself. As for the exact location, without a path to follow, neither of them knew exactly where it was.
"If we can just get to the path, we will be able to find it easily," Milo thought out-loud. "But that means we'll be out in the open, at least for a short time."
He led the way, in the direction of their destination, continuing to hug the walls of the house as he did so, Winnie copying. They reached the corner, and looked around. Some fifty feet away, they could see where the path began, and to their delight, they also noticed there were half a dozen fat bushes, which they would be able to use as cover.
"Right, are you ready?" Milo asked his little sister, who nodded vigorously in response. "Good. When I say so, we'll make for the nearest bush, and then to the next one, and so on, and so on. But remember, always be on the look-out. Old Bob isn't too far away from there anyway, and Violet and Jem are both around somewhere too. If it comes to the worse, and we're spotted, run as fast as you can to the sea of grass, okay." Winnie nodded again that she understood. "Right, let's go."
In unison, they ran towards the nearest bush, stopped to look around, and then made for the next. When they reached the third bush, they found they had another problem. The bushes ahead of them were more widely spaced, and they were now in full view of both the house and the rose gardens. They could see Old Bob in the distance, luckily with his back to them, still digging. So long as he continued to work facing away from them, Milo was certain that they could reach the path unseen. The house was another matter entirely. Both Jem and Violet could be looking out of the windows, and easily spot them as they made their escape to freedom. Milo decided that caution was useless in this matter. He turned to Winnie.
"Keep behind the bushes when you can, but when I give the word, we're just going to run for it." He checked one last time on Bob, finding him still intent on his task. "Right, go!" They took off, like a pair of rockets, pelting full speed across the grass. Neither stopped to see if they'd been spotted, reaching the path and continuing to run, until they reached the sea of grass, at which point they fell onto their hands and knees, and crawled inside the great mass of green.
They made their way deep into the throng of stalks and stems, and then stopped to catch their breath, and to listen for a short while to see if they were followed. After a few minutes, they both looked at each other and grinned.
"I think we did it!" Winnie squeaked excitedly, still panting slightly. Milo nodded.
"I think you're right. We would have heard them by now if anyone was following us. Come on, we'll crawl to the other side, and then get to the waterfall."
They made their way, at a steady pace through the sea of grass, finding odd little treasures along the way, an empty silver trinket box, a dagger-shaped letter opener, and an assortment of jewellery, though they were both disappointed to not find the other earring, containing the other half of the keystone. They decided to look through the horde properly a little later, when they'd completed their quest.
~~~
They reached the other side, and Milo peeped over the top of the grass tips, to see if one or more of the others were looking for them. There was no one to be seen, so they got to their feet, and started in the direction of the waterfall. They heard it before they saw it, the quiet roar of the falling waters, as it crashed into the lake below. Winnie scampered ahead, keen to see it again, along with the beautiful amethyst cave beyond.
As the waterfall came into view, both children stopped in their tracks. There was a creature of some kind, slipping on the rocks, trying to get to the shore. Something long and of a highly polished gold glinted on the grass nearest the lake's edge, and as they neared, they found it was a sword, and that the creature struggling on the rocks, was none other than Mot. They ran forward to help him, and when he saw them, his face sagged visibly with relief.
"Thank the gods!" he panted, as he dragged himself onto the grass, and lay there, exhausted.
"What are you doing out here Mot?" Winnie asked, concerned. "You need to rest your leg."
"I... heard..." Mot spoke between breaths, his strength completely sapped by the struggle getting to shore. "... I heard them... your uncle... and the woman. They were arguing about... about you. I heard that you'd been locked away... in your rooms, and I decided that... I had... to try and warn Chanah... myself." He smiled up at them. "But you escaped. I should have known that you wouldn't let such a little thing stop you."
"Uncle Jem took the whistle that Chanah gave us," said Winnie, sitting down on the grass beside him, and taking his hand. "We have to go back inside the forest, but we have no light, and no weapons."
"Take that." He gestured with a hand towards the sword, that still lay in the grass. "Milo should be able to lift it. I chose the lightest one, so it didn't add to much weight for my leg to carry."
Milo knelt down, and picked up the sword by the sapphire encrusted hilt, and ran a finger along the gleaming, gold blade. Mot was right, it was light, alot more so than it looked, and so perfect, one would swear that it was newly wrought. Milo could feel in his bones, in his entire being, that there was something special about this sword. Merely holding made him feel... invincible. His attention, fully focused on the weapon in his hand, was brought back to the reality of the situation, by Mot's voice.
"You have to go," the elven man said urgently. "Every second that you delay, means there's more chance that the Veeka will capture his prize. You can't let than happen, for the sake of both your world and mine. Go!"
With one final glance at their exhausted friend, Milo and Winnie took off, towards the nearest line of trees. They paused, before they went in.
"Do you think we should try and go in by the same way as before?" Winnie asked, looking nervously into the blackness, beyond the first row of trees. Milo shook his head.
"I wouldn't be able to find my way along the same route as before, even if I tried my hardest. It makes no difference which way we go in, we stand no better chance of finding her, considering we have no idea where she is. Come on, lets just get it over with."
Memories of the Harlimane filled both of their minds, as they entered the forest for the second time. They froze, both looking around nervously, as a sound came from within the mass of trees.
"What was that?" Winnie whispered, fearfully, grasping Milo's arm. Milo, his eyes wide, shook his head that he didn't know. The sound came again, nearer this time, and then again, a few moments later, and closer still. It sounded like metal clashing against metal, and whatever it was, was heading right for them, the snapping of twigs and undergrowth underfoot along with it.
"Get back!" Milo yelled at Winnie, and both jumped out of the way just in time, as large shape, in a blur of motion, whipped past them. It was two figures, in frantic battle, their movements so quick, that, had they not recognised her voice, neither Winnie or Milo would have realised that one of the figures was Chanah. Amid gasps, and groans, they heard her pleading with her attacker.
"Sorren! It's me, Chanah! Why are you doing this? Please stop, I don't want to hurt you!" But the other figure, Sorren, continued to attack her, with an untiring chain of blow after blow, with a long scimitar-style sword. Chanah was defending herself, as best she could, with her twin set of long daggers, but it was plain that her strength was depleting, and the only thing keeping her alive was her enviable skill as a fighter. Slashes adorned her arms and legs, weakening her with the loss of blood. They saw that Sorren was in a covered in similar wounds, though they didn't seem to be having any effect on him.
Suddenly, Sorren sent a powerful kick into her solar plexus, and she was sent hurtling against a nearby tree, where she crumpled, and lay still. As he approached her, to deliver one final blow, the children saw that his eyes were glazed over, like he was sleep walking. He was not in control of his own body, just as Mot had said, and through no fault of his own, he was about to kill the woman he loved.
Milo looked down at the sword in his hand. It almost hummed with potential, and scared as he was, Milo got to his feet, prepared to use it, to at least try and save Chanah, save the world. Even as he said it, in his head, he knew it was an impossible feat, but he still had to try. He began to approach the enchanted elven man.
Just then, both he and Sorren stopped in their tracks, as a familiar voice reached them, and though they couldn't see the owner, they could hear that he wasn't too far away.
"Milo! Winnie! Where the devil are you?" Jem cried.
So, what do the kids do now? They're faced with a man who has no control over his own body or mind, who could potentially make it possible for the world as they know it to be destroyed. And now Uncle Jem is on their tails. What to do, what to do!
Hope you enjoyed it guys! Sorry about the wait!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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yay a new chapter!!!! i was beginning to lose hope there would b another one
i think Jem should burst in. the golden sword is actually a family heirloom with special properties. Jem should grab the sword and theres an epic battle, and it ends with Jem pressing the sapphire on the hilt to the elf dudes throat- and it awakens him from his trance!
Just an idea <3 ur story!!!!!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, so, tell me again what Jem's opinion on this scene would likely be, or at least what the children would THINK Jem's opinion would be based on the previous chapters' bits of information on the matter.
Enthralling read, btw! And tickled pink to see a new chappy posted on this
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:15 am Post subject: |
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Thankyou both very much for your comments, I'm glad you enjoyed it, especially since I'm finding it so much more difficult to write as the chapters have gone on. It means alot to know that the hard work is paying off.
~~~
@Crazybookgal - Sending Jem in there to fight Sorren off is certainly an option. The rest, as good an idea as it is, will likely bring the story to a close much quicker, and I think I can draw this one out for a good while longer. But definitely some good ideas, and something to think about for future chapters. Thankyou!
~~~
@TB - Truth be told, they don't know what to expect from Jem. On one hand, he has proven himself to be very against the elven people, going so far as to lock the children away to prevent any interaction with them. Whether this is because he wishes to protect them, or because he, for reasons as yet unknown, seeks to prevent the portal opening to the elven world, like the three generations of his family before him.
On the other hand, despite his stern demenour, he has shown in some small ways that he might actually care for the children. His intense stare, when he first met them, and his comments about how much Winnie looked like her mother, his sister. His willingness to take them on in the first place may also show that, even if he doesn't yet feel any love for them, that he does for his dead sibling. And, considering that no one is permitted inside the estate, he could very easily be cruel to them if he wished, and, aside from locking them away when he found out about the whistle, he hasn't been at all.
Basically, the children are wary of him, and know that he seeks to prevent them from helping Chanah and the others, though they do not know why this is. But he is their guardian, and hasn't tried to harm them in any way, even though they have constantly gone against his wishes, and broken rules.
Something else to be taken into consideration is the reaction of Sorren, or the Veeka, as it is the one controlling him. When Jem called out, the Veeka halted Sorren in his tracks. Does that mean that the Veeka fears him? If so, it would certainly be a way of getting rid of him for now, but what might Jem do when he discovers Chanah and Mot, the former currently unable to defend herself, and the latter badly injured and exhausted?
As it is, Milo has the option of using the sword to try and defend himself and the others, he and Winnie could use the fact that the Veeka has been distracted by Jem to try and get Chanah away from there, or he could take the chance, and let Jem know where they are and that they need help. Or something else that anyone might think of, that's just what I have come up with on the spur of the moment.
Hope that helps, and if there are any more questions don't hesitate to ask.
Thanks again for reading, and commenting guys! Always much appreciated!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:47 am Post subject: |
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Surely, he only wishes them to have nothing to do with the elves because he wants to keep them safe, but I think for the children, their fear of his reproach may outweigh the more rational fear of the direct danger they're in now. That said, what can we do? The sword is not a weapon made to disable an opponent and we don't want to kill him any more than we wish to be killed BY him.
Furthermore, even if we called out to Jem, we don't have time to wait for his arrival. Channah is almost slain as is and I don't think just calling for help will delay 'Sorren' any longer.
But then, these are children, the most wretchedly dastardly deceitful combatants ever known! And this must be used to their advantage.
I say they play games with the ensorceled elf. Attack briefly, however feebly the attack may be... just make sure you irritate and get his attention! Then run! And as he follows, run him into every trap they can think of... Winnie could pull back a tree branch while Milo runs Sorren right into it as it releases... Milo could run to the edge of the waterfall while Winnie goes and prepares to throw herself into a ball in front of a Sorren in a dead run, tripping him out into the water below.
At this point, its a matter of getting Sorren away from them or unconscious, and they don't want to have to allow Jem to get involved, as that would surely mean the end of their adventures here, perhaps permanently. Though it might be comforting to know he's nearby and if none of the traps work, we could run Sorren towards Jem, who surely knows how to deal with these sorts of matters better than we do.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 10:20 am Post subject: |
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i think thunder has a good idea. It is more believable than Milo taking on Sorren himself because come on-how many people no matter how old they are, suddenly know swordsmanship?
It all depends on who Sorren, or the Veeka rather, wishes to kill more. I would guess that would be Chanah, but perhaps it holds a grudge against the children's blood line.
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| Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:34 am Post subject: |
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I was intrigued by the fact that Sorren had stopped too, at the sound of Jem's voice. Jem has a lot of answers, and I think now is the time for him to spill them. Jem is tied up in all of this much more deeply than he will admit, and Milo has the advantage for now, holding the elven sword. Its power is likely to make up for his own lack of size and physical strength.
I would say threaten Jem with the sword and see what sort of a reaction he gets. Although Jem has not harmed the children, his distance and coldness towards them is enough excuse for Milo to wave the blade at him without fear of getting into too much trouble afterwards.
By threatening Jem we might find out whether or not the Veeka really is afraid of Jem (through Sorren's reaction), and whether Jem is afraid of the elven world (through his own reactions).
I think Milo is in a very strong position here.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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Okie doke, poll is up!
Already have some ideas to possibly put into the new chapter, depending on the outcome, and to have ideas means there's more chance of said new chapter arriving sooner. Looks like I may have finally pushed past the writer's block completely *crosses fingers*.
Thanks for all comments and suggestions!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:00 pm Post subject: |
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Finally caught up with this story but it appears I missed the discussion 
I decided to vote for trying to lure Sorran away.
If I'm reading this correctly something needs to be done about Sorran *now* or he will kill Chanah.
At this point I don't think that the children have any reason to trust Jem to save Chanah. It is obvious that he doesn't want them interacting with the elves and the elves don't trust him due to some prior action of his.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | “We gave up on him a long time ago,” Tianna interrupted, “He failed us once before. He will not get the chance to do so again.” |
Since the children know that Jem was entrusted with a mission by the elves and failed why should they believe that he would change his mind now? Especially after he took the silver whistle *knowing* what it was and what could happen due to his taking it. If he *wanted* to help the elves he could have told us his side of the story and offered his aid when the whistle was discovered.
It seems to me that an urgent confrontation with Chanah's live on the line is not the best time to try to call a time out and demand answers from Jem and the Veeka.
Jem had a chance to provide answers when the whistle was found and didn't feel the need to do so. There may very well be another time for answers but the thing we need to take care of right now is saving Chanah.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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My apologies Ingro. What with there being so many returnies and newbies in the city at the moment, I should probably leave off putting up the polls so quickly in case there are those, like you, who are trying to catch up with the story. But thankyou very much for taking the time to do so, and I look forward to your further participation in future chapters.
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:55 pm Post subject: |
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No problems here . IMHO Getting the poll up at a decent speed is a good thing.
I'm generally slow catching up with current stories to begin with. I was just commenting that it was disappointing to miss the discussion
I'm looking forward to the next chapter once the poll closes
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:30 am Post subject: Augh |
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My real life disstractions are almost as bad as your writers block. It took 3 days to read this whole thing, and fer me, that's really bad.....
I like this, reminds me of me as a kid. I do kinda feel for Jem. I'm sure he has a legit reason for his reactions to the kids' -adventureing-
But, then again, I'm bias. I have a soft spot for bishis (Men who look like girls)
even if it's only a little, I've kinda fallen for him. That uber kawaii(Cute) moment where Win said he looks like their mother made it for me =^.^=
I can see a dashing return to glory, getting over whatever has been holding him back, and throwing his whole being into helping the kids complete their mission. But that's a long way of, I know, *Sniffle* So I gotta go with the munchkins being munchkins!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:51 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for taking the time to read through this Pope, much appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and it's cool that you've taken such a liking to one of the characters. Let's just hope that he turns out to be one of the good guys, eh.
Thanks for voting everyone! I'll leave this up for a couple more days, and then get to writing the next chapter, and hopefully my 'block' won't return.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:09 am Post subject: |
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Okie dokey, poll is closed, and looks like this kids are going to do what kids do best, run rings around the grown-ups!
Thanks all for voting, and I'll see if I can get a new chapter out within the next couple of weeks.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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SparkleSteps - Chapter Ten
At the sound of Jem's voice, a whole host of emotions ran through Milo's head. Relief that someone more capable was close by, slight annoyance at being found out, but most of all fear. The lengths that Jem had gone to, to stop them from having anything to do with the elves, proved that he wouldn't be pleased at their current situation. And, though he might have the ability to save their lives, but what would he do to Chanah and Mot, when he discovered them.
All of these thoughts and emotions passed in the blink of an eye, and Milo had made his decision. Chanah still lay unconsious at the base of the tree, while Sorren, having forgotten or dismissed Jem, approached her steadily, blade in hand. Milo knew what he had to do, and he had to do it fast. He looked to Winnie, who now knelt next to Chanah, trying to wake the elven woman. Their eyes met, and something passed between them, an understanding of some kind. Winnie nodded, and Milo hoped upon hope that she truly knew what he was planning. There was nothing left to do, but act.
With a yell, Milo, holding the sword by it's blade, threw it, full force, at the mindless warrior. The hilt of the sword hit Sorren in the back of the head, and Milo saw blood pour forth at the impact. Sorren fell to his knees, with a gasp, dropping his sword. In a blur of motion, Winnie got to her feet, and ran at him, slamming into him, and sending him sprawling on his back. She grabbed both blades from the ground, and ran to Milo, handing one to him.
"No," he said, rejecting the sword, "They won't help us here, we don't have the skill to use them. We must continue to use our wits, Win."
"So what are we going to do?" Winnie asked, letting go of the rejected weapons, allowing them to fall to the ground.
"Just try and get him away from her," he replied, "What else can we do?"
At that moment, they saw Sorren sit up, holding the back of his head, and groaning. There was something different about him, almost like he had broken away from the spell that held him. Then he suddenly stopped, and, like he was being controlled by an invisible force, he got to his feet in one quick motion, and began to scan the ground. The children realised that he was looking for his sword. They could do nothing but watch him, until his eyes found the weapon at their feet. He began to stride towards them, gaze fixed upon the blade.
With one swift movement, Milo reached down, grabbed both swords, and began to run, Winnie alongside him. As he thought he would, the mindless warrior followed, the long strides slowly becoming a jog, then a run. They made for the lake, with Sorren quickly gaining on them, Milo clutching the swords to him, and hoping upon hope that he didn't drop them. If he did, it was likely that they would all be done for. Suddenly, he had an idea.
"Run that way!" he shouted to Winnie. "Go hide amongst those trees, until you see the opportune moment."
"What do you mean, the oppor..."
"Just go, Win! You'll know what I mean when the time comes!" Without further delay, Winnie raced off in the direction Milo had indicated, and Milo saw her, out of the corner of his eye, disappear behind the trees. Looking behind him, he saw the warrior still pursued him, nearly at his heels.
They reached the lake, and Milo prepared to put his plan into action. He stopped at the bank, and Sorren, mere feet behind, halted in his tracks also, the glazed eyes seeming to look straight through the boy before him. Then he began to slowly advance, step by step towards Milo. Milo had never been so scared in his life, but he held his ground, waiting for that perfect moment, when all would come into play.
Out of the corner of his eye, Milo noticed a movement, amongst the rushes, that grew thickly at the edge of the lake. Mot, using the last of his strength, was crawling towards Sorren, using the rushes to mask his approach. When he was close enough, he reached out, and grasped the warrior's ankle. Sorren stumbled, and his attention was momentarily focused on the obstruction, creating the perfect opportunity, and both children knew it.
As Sorren became distracted by Mot, Winnie hurtled out of the trees, her small form running at full pelt towards the warrior. At the same moment, Milo fell to the ground, and rolled, placing himself directly in front of Sorren, who turned just in time to see the small girl, before she slammed into him. As they knew he would, Sorren stepped back at the force of the hit, and fell over Milo, and was sent flying towards the lake. But as he fell, he caught Winnie by the wrist. Winnie let out a cry, as she was dragged along with the warrior, towards the lake, and before Milo knew what was happening, both had disappeared beneath the water.
"Win! Winnie!" Milo called out frantically, throwing the swords aside, before diving into the water after her. Taking a deep breath, he plunged beneath the surface, searching for his sibling. The lake water, though it looked crystal clear from above, was, in truth, cloudy, and full of tangled weeds and algae, and Milo could barely see anything. Despite this, he stayed under for as long as he could, fulitely searching for his sister in the murky depths, before returning to the surface for air, then diving beneath again.
Then he felt strong hands grasping him by the ankle, and dragging him out. He kicked and fought against them, determined to find Winnie. Nothing else mattered to him. But the owner of the hands was equally determined to make him get out of the water, and ultimately they succeeded. On being hauled out of the lake, Milo found himself looking into the eyes of his Uncle. Despite his fears for Winnie's safety, Milo gulped, fearing Jem's wrath at being disobeyed. But though there was anger in the blue eyes, there was also much concern.
"Why couldn't you just listen to me?" was all that Jem said, before wrapping his arms around his nephew, and holding him in a gentle hug. Milo, surprised by his Uncle's reaction, just allowed himself to be held. "You're the only family I have left," he heard Jem murmer, "I can't lose you too." He heard a sniff, and felt Jem's body give a shudder, and he realised that his Uncle was crying. He pulled back, and looked up into Jem's face. All of the hardness was gone from the strong features, replaced by a look of heartfelt sincerity and love. In that moment, Milo knew that, despite his Uncle's harsh ways, he genuinely cared about the both of them, that, even though he had some vendetta with the elven people, his main concern had been for their safety.
The moment was broken by a voice, calling out to them from the other side of the lake. Sorren stood there, at the forest border, a lifeless Winnie in his arms.
"Allington scum! I have a deal to make with you!"
"Winnie!" cried Milo, much distraught at the sight of his sister's limp body. "She's..."
A wicked laugh came from the warrior's lips. "No boy, she isn't dead. But she soon will be if you and your Uncle do not do as I say. I want the elven maiden, Chanah, alive, and I will exchange the girl's life for her. If you choose to ignore this request, your sister will endure more suffering than you can ever imagine, before meeting an extremely painful end." He looked down at Winnie with his still glazed eyes, and Milo knew that it was the Veeka that gazed down at her, and spoke the threatening words. "Such a pretty little thing, would be such a pity." He turned back to face them. "I will give you a little time to decide, it is after all a big decision to make. In saving the life of your sister, you'll condemn the elves to their doom." He flashed them a vicious smile. "A double-edged sword indeed, but I'm sure you'll make the right choice. Tomorrow, sunset. No Chanah, the girl dies. And if there are any attempts at a rescue mission, it'll be over all the sooner." And with that he turned and disappeared into the shadows.
~~~
The time between then, and getting back to the house, passed by Milo in a blur. He recalled his Uncle, scooping up the still unconsious Chanah, in his arms, while Old Bob appeared, and helped Mot to limp back to the mansion. Milo had just dazedly followed them, all happenings and conversations passing him by. Once there, the two elves had been taken upstairs, where Violet had tended their wounds and made them both comfortable, while Jem had taken Milo through to the kitchen, and seated him on one of the benches.
He was vaguely aware of the voices around him, that of Jem and Old Bob, and also of Rosie, who was trying to comfort him, while attempting to get him to eat the bowl of stew, she had placed before him. But Milo couldn't eat, even the thought of it making him nauseous. All he could think about was the possible fates, that could be befalling his sister at that moment.
Time passed, though Milo had no idea how long he was sat there, in the kitchen. He felt himself being pulled to his feet, and steered towards, and then up, the staircase. He could hear Violets voice talking to him, though he couldn't discern what she was saying.
He suddenly found himself alone in a room, sat beside a bed, in which Chanah rested. He looked into the beautiful, battered face of the sleeping Earthie warrior, and suddenly his emotions came to a head, and he broke down sobbing. He held her hand, as he wept quietly, his tears trickling down his cheeks, and falling into his lap, all the while feeling blank, and useless. Thoughts of blame swam through his head, as he pictured his sweet, innocent little sister, at the mercy of Veeka.
"Who knows what he might do to her?" he whispered. "He could be torturing her right now, the... the... monster! How can I just sit here, and do nothing, while she might be drowning in fear and pain." He looked into the face of the sleeping, unhearing Chanah. " And how can they hand you over? With your death comes the death of millions, with both Winnie, Jem and I likely included amongst them anyway. One life seems trivial compared to millions more, but she's my sister, and it's my fault that she's out there, alone, with that beast. How can I abandon her? What should I do? He got no answer, but he hadn't expected to. In truth, he was asking himself what would be the right thing to do, what must be done.
Okies, dp is just that, what should Milo do? Should he wait, as the Veeka ordered, and put his sister's fate into the hands of the others. Or should he take matters into his own hands. You decide.
Thanks for reading all, I hope it was okay, and that you enjoyed it. I had real trouble with this one, so let me know if it needs some work. Thanks again, and I await your comments and suggestions.
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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great chapter Tikanni! i was on the edge of my seat! as for the dp, this is a tough one. i suppose we can get someone magical to help us and trick the Veeka into thinking he's getting what he wants...or we can try to reason with the monster. if Jem has some ancient heirloom lying around, they could give the Veeka something of equal value.
of course we could swing this round to Winnie's point of view and she can escape or reason with the Veeka
watch your apostrophes, u said knee's when it should have been knees
long awaited but o' course you always provide a great read!!!
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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Oops! Thanks for catching that one CBG. It's been put right now.
And thanks also for the compliments and the suggestions too. It's good to know that people are enjoying my work.
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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I'm loving this Tika... the plot thickens and a real quest emerges. We can't let the Veeka have either one of course. A trade might be tough to arrange so we need to rely on the wisdom of our elders in this case. Jem won't want either thing to happen any more than we do and as players we don't know what he's capable of so I would vote to rely on his ability to strategize in this case. If Milo has to do something on his own like running a blitz to steal Whinnie back while Jem distracts the Veeka with what may seem like a negotiation, that might be the way to work this. Have him pull a hobbit, y'know, sneak around the main action to get the real job done.
You really are one of the best and most unsung authors here on the site and I'm hoping enough agree, even though Lebby's most recent efforts have been astounding as well. You've been at this tale for a while now and have deserved a spotlight pretty much the whole time. Not to down anyone, just saying this is an excellent piece of work here.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:19 am Post subject: |
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Thankyou so much for saying so, TB. I was very touched when I read your post this morning, especially since I am so insecure about my writing abilities. It means alot to hear such things, as I do really try my best to make my writing the best that it can be. This has been a real confidence boost, and is much appreciated.
Thanks again!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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No problem but it might make it feel a bit better still to know I've commented on the basis of merit alone, not just to give ya a boost. You know I'd be picking at it if I felt it needed it
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 2:35 am Post subject: |
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Like crazybookgal, I too, was on the edge of my seat on this one. It was well thought out - some good twists to it - and an additional hook with the mysterious Jem now moving to centre stage.
You've left us with a desperate situation, but with a number of characters and resources on Milo's side which has set us up for a good DP.
For critique - beyond a bit of polishing and a little tightening up of punctuation, there's not much more this chapter needs. A couple of general things to keep in mind when revising, or when writing future chapters -
Word or phrase repetition - for example: 'warrior' - and 'mindless warrior' were repeated a few times. Look for ways of varying this when describing Sorren.
Passive voice - for example: | Quote: | Milo noticed a movement, amongst the rushes, that grew thickly at the edge of the lake. Mot, using the last of his strength, was crawling towards Sorren, using the rushes to mask his approach. When he was close enough, he reached out, and grasped the warrior's ankle. Sorren stumbled, and his attention was momentarily focused on the obstruction, creating the perfect opportunity, and both children knew it.
As Sorren became distracted by Mot, Winnie hurtled out of the trees, |
These highlighted phrases are passive, and slow down the action. Avoiding passive voice can make events feel more immediate.
e.g. Milo noticed a movement among the rushes at the edge of the lake. Mot, using the last of his strength was crawling closer towards Sorren. The elf reached out and grasped the warrior's ankle, creating the perfect opportunity to strike. As Sorren stumbled, Winnie hurtled out of the trees... etc.
I'm not saying this example is perfect, but hopefully it illustrates how it can enhance the pace of a climactic scene.
But these observations are more for polishing than remediation. This was a strong chapter.
On to the DP - Well, of course we can't leave Winnie and admit defeat to the Veeka! When Chanah wakes, she may have some hidden strength that can be used against it. And Jem is an unknown quantity too - he may also have some hidden strengths.
One thing that Milo cannot do, is handle this alone, and Jem certainly won't allow him to - he's the only family he has left. But, if Jem cares so much about Milo, he'll care a lot about Winnie, too. I think we can count on Jem's backing to save Winnie.
They have until tomorrow, at sunset, to devise a plan that will bring all the characters' strengths into play. I also thought of something along the same lines as TB's suggestion.
But for an alternative option - one which might make for an interesting situation - would be for Jem to offer himself as sacrifice in Winnie's place.
That way we keep Chanah and Winnie - but Jem would be a stronger adversary for the Veeka - and he has the wisdom and cunning of Old Bob, Violet and Rosie on his side.
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:04 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Superb! Invigorating! Just what I'd expect form you. Thank My Lucky Star, Jem's a good guy! YAY! *Does a happy dance*
Sorry, not enough sleep. Anyway! As much as I'd love sending the little guy out to be the tragic hero, I'd say this time, he'd be alittle more tragic, than hero. I'd saaaay.....Go back to Jem right now and demand to know everything relevant, and devise from there.
As previously stated, perhaps a family heirloom, or secret magic (There has been hints to that effect) that the kid has and just need a little kick from the warrior of Jem to come to fruition. I'd also like to see how Lem and Chanah act around each other! That's gotta be funny!
Guud luck! *Prays for active muse*
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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| Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:33 am Post subject: |
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| In all honesty I really enjoyed the story, I was knocked off my chair, and the description is very well placed and very intrueging. It makes me smile to know that you of all people have the aptitude of a great writer. I cannot compare you with any here, but yours gave me a new favorite. I say That there must be something in that book that could help you, something to help you defeat the veeka, Or something shapeshifter that could offer himself up in place of the one the warrior and veeka wants...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou Crunchy, Pope and Splitpin, for your comments, compliments, and suggestions. I'm glad you all liked it.
@Crunchy - I'll look out for the repetition in the future. I believe I've been told about it before, so I should already be looking out for it. I'll try and keep it in mind when I'm writing future chapters, and hopefully it won't happen again. I can also see what you mean about the 'passive voice', and again, I'll look out for it when creating new chapters. Thanks.
I'll leave this open for suggestions for a few more days, and then I'll give the muse a kick, see if I can get another chapter out within the next couple of weeks.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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Poll is up guys! Thanks for all of your imput.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 12:11 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to your new forum Tiks! :
A tough poll indeed! Well I've voted... *keeps fingers crossed*
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 3:57 am Post subject: |
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Poll is now closed! Looks like Jem is going to the the noble thing, and offer himself up in Winnie's place. But will the Veeka accept?
Hmmm, I think this is going to be a challenging one to write.
Thanks for voting, and I'll see if I can try and get a new chappie out before christmas. And I'll also have a go at splitting the rest up soon to, hopefully without accidentally deleting everything. ;-)
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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Great chapter and choices on the poll I enjoyed it very much.
Probably a good thing I read it too late to vote as I would have created a tie :/
I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
_________________
My account may have been deleted but my completed SG is still there...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Ingro! New chapter is nearly finished, and will be up, hopefully, very soon. Sorry for the delay everyone, and for being pretty much absent for the last couple of months. Will try to be around more often.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 1:32 am Post subject: |
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| Yeah, come on Tiks!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 2:15 pm Post subject: Choise |
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Ah, so noble. I knew I'd like him. Jem is a real gem! *Grin* Well, I'll wait patiently to see just how this comes about to the final front. *Waits quietly*
_________________
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And my first Finished work Death Day
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 11:05 pm Post subject: |
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| ooooooooooooh i just read all of this...in one sitting...and i am SUPER crushing on Jem right now...is that weird? especially after learning what this DP has in store for him...oooooooooooooooo....that's all i can really say...as i'm off to go read more...at 3am...and i have to work tomorrow...Tika, you're bad jujus for my insomnia...haha!!
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Emperor
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 10:32 pm Post subject: chapter 1 |
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| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | “Look, guys, this is what your parents wanted. They wanted you to go to live with your Uncle. Now, I don’t know why you have never met him, or why your parents never told you about him. But they loved you both very much, and I don’t think that either of them would send you somewhere where they thought that you would be unhappy.” She smiled at them. “I know that all of this is going to take some getting used to. But it will all turn out alright in the end, I guarantee it.” |
This piece of dialog reads a little long. It's possible to break it up a little something like... "... thought that you would be unhappy."
She smiled at them.
"I know that ..."
Or if you don't like that keep the "She smiled at them." linked up to either the end of the first part or the beginning of the second part. In reality it mostly likely doesn't need to be changed, but it was something I noticed.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | The deaths of their parents were still raw in their minds, and imagining this mysterious Uncle of theirs took their minds of the recent tragedy, just a little |
.
These lines are great Tikky, setting the mental state of the children minds yet at the same time illustrating that they are still children and imagining an uncle they have never met would distract them.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | “The house itself might be far, but the estate begins……here!” With that Mrs Smith turned the car down a narrow road... |
Once again it is up to you but if you put a return stroke after "begins here!" it may help break that up a little bit.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | small, scruffy car, spluttering down the narrow road,
He was clad in tattered garments, with a black greatcoat over the top
The silver hair on top of his head looked unclean, and greasy, as did the bristly moustache, that covered his upper-lip, like a huge, grey slug. The old man took an enormous set of keys from the pocket of the greatcoat |
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Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!! Bravo.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | The two children just stood next to the car, eyes wide with awe, at the sheer size of the place. Everything seemed oversized, like the giant’s house in Jack and the Beanstalk. Enormous bay windows, some with beautifully crafted stained glass. Even the bricks that the house was made from were extra large. |
Once again this is a great example of telling a story yet at the same time firmly putting us in the mindset of how the children see things. Emphasizing how big and over sized everything is subtlety genius.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | The children looked around a bit more, checking in drawers and cupboards for any small treasures that might be hidden away inside, |
And another example of getting the reader to look out through the eyes of the children.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | Where it touched the floor, footprints had appeared. But no ordinary footprints. These glittered,and sparkled, like sunlight on water. |
This is just an opinion but I think that if you edited out the "But no ordinary footprints" part it would make this scene even more important and impact-full than it already is.
Just remember that half of the time I really don't know what I'm talking about, I am no grammar expert as anyone who has read my stuff can attest to.
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:09 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for reading, Emperor! It means alot when people take the time to catch up with the story once it's reached such a length.
I can totally see where you're coming from with your crits, and I will at some point go over the whole thing, and have a bit of a rewrite in places. And it's also great that you point out good points alonside the not so good, which makes the critique all the easier to take on board.
Thanks again, and I hope that you're enjoying it so far!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Emperor
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:53 am Post subject: |
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| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | [color=indigo]Thanks for reading, Emperor! It means alot when people take the time to catch up with the story once it's reached such a length. |
At the rate I'm going it will take awhile. Real life obligations and all that, but I wanted to show you my support in what ways I can.
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 2 part 1
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | pyjama bottoms |
Not a 100% sure on this but I think it's pajama.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | “Oh my god! I didn’t even think of that! What are we going to do? What are we going to tell her?” He ran a hand through his hair, in frustration, only to realise a second later, that it had been the one with glitter on it. “Oh, no, no, no!” he cried, turning to the mirror. Clearly visible against the dark blond hair, was a long streak of silver sparkle. He clapped his hands over his mouth, to stifle a scream. He turned back to Winnie. |
I really like the set up of this scene, how you built up the frustration until this inevitable conclusion. Great pay off.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | It would capture them with sticky gunk, that it spewed out of it’s cavernous mouth, then drain them of their power and lifeforce, leaving just a withered corpse. |
Nice!
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | then a deep voice, from an unseen source answered.
“Enter.” |
Nice setting the mood.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | and turned, just in time to see a large shadow remove itself from the wall. |
Great detailing!
Better late than never right Tikky? Anyways, not much else to say, but good stuff. Your attention to detail and mood setting as pointed out above is always great. I hope to catch up soon.
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou, Emperor! It means alot, as always, to know that you've taken the time to read through the whole thing. I know it's a bit of a slog, as there's rather alot of it, so to know that you've taken the time to do so is great! Again, thankyou!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| What should Milo do to try and save Winnie? |
| Stay put, and trust Jem's judgement |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Go to the Veeka, and try to reason with him |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Make a plan, with Jem, for someone to distract the Veeka, while another tries to rescue Winnie |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Have Jem offer himself in Winnie's place |
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50% |
[ 2 ] |
| Go to Jem, and demand to know anything and everything of any relevance, to see if they can uncover something that will help them |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Look to the book, and see if it can give them any answers |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
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